Work Text:
It would be easier, Rei reflects during group therapy, if she hated her estranged husband.
She should. She has every right to hate him. He took away her entire life. First, he took her future, then he took her body, and finally, he took her mind. She can’t remember what freedom tastes like, at least not the true freedom she sees on television. It was long gone before she was institutionalized for hurting Shouto. She was imprisoned years before that, the shackles invisible, the chains shorter than people realized.
Back before she met the Number Two Hero, Rei dreamed of going to college. She would have to work in order to pay for it herself, but she was a girl with her head in the clouds. Then, Todoroki Enji appeared on her parents’ doorstep with a proposal - an actual proposal but with money instead of courtship and a ring. As a civilian, she never considered the strength of her quirk since she didn’t use it very often. It turned out that a man she never met thought about it more than she did.
College was an unrealistic goal. Her family needed the money. Rei likes to say that she accepted the offer, but her parents were prepared to give her away at a chance to live without trying to survive. He told her upfront what he wanted her for. She always wanted children, so it didn’t seem so bad. At least this way she would get them. Sure, she also dreamed of falling in love and raising her children with a partner, but at least they would never lack or want for anything like she did growing up. They would always go to bed with a full belly, tucked under warm sheets, with plenty of toys to play with.
A year after Touya’s quirk manifested and she was forced to listen to him puke his guts out before crawling into bed shivering from the fever brought on by the overuse of his quirk, she would think about that hope for her children and scream in her mind. If she can pinpoint the moment of her mental descent, it’s those nights. Listening to her baby boy cry. Shouto was stronger than Touya, but he also has the right quirk. Her first love and first failure could not take it like he can.
She should hate Enji for ruining her dreams. He promised her children, but he took them away. She knew from the start that she was to bear him children with the purpose of having one with the right combination of their quirks. She knew he would train them, but she didn’t know he would be so cruel. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Touya was fully fire-resistant. He could’ve at least survived.
She should hate him for ruining their children. He burned out Touya until he was a shell of himself, only acknowledged Fuyumi when she was useful to him around the house, completely neglected Natsuo, broke Shouto down in an attempt to mold him into a better version of himself. By the time Shouto was being trained, she couldn’t take it anymore. Touya was so angry like Enji, so cold and on fire. Fuyumi took his side in fear and anxiousness. Natsuo stuck with her, but she saw the bitterness building inside him. And Shouto, her little Shouto, the half of him that was exactly like his father…
She should hate him for ruining her. She isn’t just his wife. She’s the mother of his children, even while locked up in a mental hospital. No matter where she is, she will always be that. She bore him four children without complaint. Pregnancy does not come out of nowhere; it takes two people. It didn’t take three or four tries to get pregnant. It took countless nights, mid-day sessions, mornings before he left for work. He knew her ovulation schedule better than she did.
Some women hate being pregnant - and she can completely understand why after four children - but she loved it. At least when she was pregnant, Enji left her alone. When Touya’s and Fuyumi’s quirks emerged and they weren’t the right ones, she knew what she would have to do. Getting pregnant again wasn’t a choice, but it did mean he wasn’t mean to her. He couldn’t hurt her in case it might damage the baby or mess with the pregnancy. She could step in front of Touya or ask him to stop, and he wouldn’t hit her. What if the fourth time was the charm? What if she fell and hurt the baby?
She should hate Enji for turning pregnancy into a shield - a way to protect herself and her children from him. It wasn’t that those moments with him were awful; they were simply a chore. She grew up dreaming of having children with a man she loved. It was supposed to be magical, not mechanical. Maybe in the beginning, there was something - could’ve been something - but he burned it out of her. He wasn’t gentle enough with her. He was fire and she was ice and he burned her every time.
It would be easier to hate him. Forgiveness takes strength. It takes patience and kindness. She’s not sure if she’s capable of that. Maybe it even takes love, not always for the other person but for yourself. She’s not sure if she can do that either. She loves her children, but they have plenty of reasons to hate her. She hates herself for what she did to Shouto, for putting so much pressure on Fuyumi’s shoulders, for neglecting Natsuo in favor of his brother, for abandoning Touya. It’s easy to hate herself.
So why doesn’t she hate Enji? Surely he deserves it more than her. He’s the one that did this. He’s the one that shattered all of their dreams - that made a mockery of their family. They weren’t really a family. First, he took Touya and then tossed the scraps of him when he was done, and then he took Shouto and turned him into something she couldn’t even look at.
No, no, she did that. She hurt him, just as Enji hurt him, except she was the one locked away now. For Shouto’s safety, Enji said, and she believed him. Even she feared she wasn’t fit to raise her kids anymore and she proved herself right. She didn’t ask him how long she would be here. The doctors would tell her when she was ready. So far, years into her time here, no one suggested leaving, and she didn’t ask. Maybe she’ll never leave here. Maybe it’s for the best.
She should hate her husband, but she doesn’t, not really. Her doctors say she refuses to feel her emotions, but it’s just a fancy way of saying she’s cold. It’s safer that way. If she lets herself feel, there’s no telling what will spill out. Maybe she really will hate Enji. Maybe she’ll begrudge her children for forcing the role of motherhood on her with a man she never loved. Maybe she’ll hate herself so much that she can never look at a mirror again. It’s terrifying.
No, she’d rather lock up everything. She can’t do it.
“Rei?” the doctor leading the group therapy session prompts. “Is there something you’d like to add to today’s discussion?”
“Not really,” Rei murmurs quietly.
“You looked quite thoughtful.”
“I suppose…” Rei hums and considers her words. She doesn’t talk much in group therapy. When she came here, she was told not to give her last name. She’s fine with that. They can’t have the other patients knowing that she’s Endeavor’s wife. It would look bad. If asked, she goes by her maiden name. It’s easier that way. There are a lot of things easier now that she has little to no control over her life. They make a lot of decisions for her here. “I suppose I was thinking about what it means to hate.”
The doctor nods. “We deal with a lot of hate here, don’t we? Is there anyone in particular that came to mind while you thought about hate?”
“No,” Rei says, knowing it’s the right answer. Maybe this doctor doesn’t know that, but she can’t just tell people that she has every reason to hate her abusive husband. There are no reports to corroborate such a strong statement. One doctor knows the truth of her situation here, but he’s under strict confidentiality laws to keep quiet. It’s better that way. This group therapy doctor is trying his best, but he can’t. “I was just thinking about how it’s really easy to hate someone.”
It would be easy to hate Enji. She kind of wishes she did.