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Travis spent a lot of time praying these days.
He always had; it wasn't something he was likely to avoid doing, being raised to fear God and fear Hell and fear himself, the Sinner. He thanked God for food, he thanked God for good weather, he thanked God for his life… The usual shtick.
But lately things had been different.
His father had always told him not to ask anything of God. If you deserve it, the Lord will provide. And he had listened, never asking anything of God or of his father.
But lately…
The shower had already begun to run cold, but Travis sat at the bottom, staring at the water swirling down the metal drain. Even though his chest ached like an over-blown balloon, he felt empty. Cold, just like the water.
Please, God… He closed his eyes against the falling spray. Please, God, please.
Lately things had been different.
*
The bell rang and Travis couldn't be out of his seat fast enough.
He had found himself digging his nails into his palm again. Trying to avoid temptation. Trying to pass the test God kept giving him.
He ought to be trying to pass the class, but the Lord will provide, and all that. He just had to avoid temptation. Pass God's test and he'd pass all others.
While he was speeding out of the class, that very same temptation stood - God is testing me God is testing me - and they bumped into each other.
"Oof," came the voice behind the mask. Sally Face hurried to pick up the drawings Travis had knocked out of his arms, images of dogs and strange shadows. "Sorry, my bad."
"Whatever, homo," Travis shot back. He could feel sweat on the back of his neck. He wanted to look at what Sal had made. "Just move out of my way."
Sal looked up at him from his place kneeling on the floor, glaring through the holes of his prosthetic face. "Jeez. Is it so hard to just be nice for once?"
Travis didn't respond to that. He just glared back. He didn't trust his voice.
Sal's pigtails waved as he shook his head. "You bumped into me, dude." His things were quickly back in order, and after that, he walked in front of Travis all the way out the door.
Outside were more of… Sal's kind. ( My kind- ) The ginger freak, Todd, sans boyfriend for now, though he was likely not far behind. And the girl, Ash, who always seemed seconds away from killing him. The Satanic metalhead was missing, however, Travis noticed.
A part of Travis didn't want to say anything today, especially not with the girl present, but God was testing him. God was watching. So, Travis strode forward and pushed Sal into Todd, the mask making an ugly clack against the lense of Todd's glasses.
"Shit, Todd, are you alright-"
"Fucking fags," Travis spat. He didn't have time to hear them caring for each other. He couldn't stomach it. "You go against nature, against God. Men aren't made to lie with men."
Todd didn't look particularly offended- just bored. Like he was waiting for the commercials to be over.
But, Sal sighed heavily and rose to the bait. "Says who? Leviticus?"
"Says God. The first couple on this Earth were a man and a woman. Adam and Eve-"
"Oh, please. You queer-hating kooks wouldn't understand the story of Adam and Eve if the serpent bit you."
Travis was taken aback.
Todd laughed, though it didn't seem like he meant to. Like it had fallen out of him. "Sal, come on. You know all that Jesus stuff doesn't bother me."
"It bothers me," And that hadn't been meant for Travis' ears, he knew. "And I think it bothers Travis, too."
God was testing him.
"Please," Travis spat, teeth clenched in shame, and that horrible, nameless anger. "Tell me, then, what you know that the Church doesn't."
Sal turned to him and their eyes met, just for a moment. Staring at him was strange. One of his eyes, Travis realized suddenly, did not appear to hold life in it.
The bell rang loudly, telling them all they were late.
Sal turned to Ash, blue hair bobbing, and they had a silent conversation of a sort Travis had never had with anyone. Ash nodded and gently took Todd's hand. Together, they left.
When they were alone, Sal turned back to him. "Do you really want me to tell you my thoughts?"
God was testing him.
"...Travis?"
But Travis had already failed. He had failed at birth. "Yes."
Something about Sal softened. "God made humans in Her own image. I say Her because God is, supposedly, neither man or woman. Might as well do my part in keeping it even."
He wasn't sure what to make of that, so Travis nodded, willing him to continue.
"And God can do… anything. Anything She pleases. God is all-powerful and the embodiment of free will. And humans were made in Her image. Are you following me?"
"...Sure."
"In the garden of Eden, God made... an apple tree. That's usually what people choose, right? It was fruit. Food. Something humans need to survive. And God, who made these creatures in her own image, with free will, said, don't eat this fruit. "
"I know the story, Sally Face. The serpent comes and tempts Eve, and she breaks God's heart. So she and Adam are barred forever from the Garden and sent out into a world of horrors and unknowns."
"But the apple was knowledge. God forbid the truth, and regardless of who told Eve what it was, or what it would give her-"
"I don't understand." But he had a sinking feeling he might begin to.
Sal sighed. "Okay, let me try again. I have a lot of points I want to get across here." Then he looked around at the empty hallways. "But first, let's take this to the bathroom. We'll get in less trouble that way."
Travis doesn't want to, but he follows. Travis wants to follow more than anything, but a part of him stays behind.
*
For many nights, Travis stared at the ceiling and thought of what Sal had told him.
If someone told you 'don't grab the parachute or you'll have to jump' while sitting in a crashing plane, do you think they'd be warning you off?
The Garden of Eden was not crashing, Sally Face-
But It was. It was. Because humans cannot go without food. And the knowledge that they were starving, the knowledge that they were nude-
The serpent tempted them.
And what if that serpent was God?
The serpent was not God.
Would God not test the free will of his creations by tempting them towards that which they needed? Would you not take that apple?
God was testing him.
Would you starve yourself, Travis?
He stared at the ceiling for a long time.
God was testing him.
Sal's words had struck an awful chord in him, the kind that shook the entire church when the choir sang it out. The kind that of chord that Travis felt down to his bones. The kind that made tears spring up in his eyes, because he feared God, he feared God so much, but he loved Him, too. And he wanted to be loved in return.
And what if that serpent was God? The words reverberated through Travis' head like the terrible crash of a gong. And what if that serpent was God?
But that was the problem, wasn't it? That Travis liked serpents?
If his father had not been downstairs, he might have been inclined towards gut-busting, heart-wrenching, rapturous, terrified laughter. Instead, he laid on his back under his blanket and felt rather hysterical.
God was testing him. Sal had agreed.
But Travis wasn't sure if he knew how to pass anymore.
*
As the days passed, Travis slowly began to get more sleep. He rolled that conversation with Sal in his head round and around like a pearl. He kept it close, because it was impossible to keep it at a distance.
Finally, he decided… he had to talk to Sal again. He had to hear his voice and see the light in his eye and peer through the stupid holes in his jeans to watch the skin underneath. He had to watch those cute pigtails catch the light and shine. He had to go to the apple itself.
On that day, Travis was on his best behavior.
Travis didn't hurl slurs at Neil when he bumped into him that morning. He looked down and mumbled, sorry. And Neil had said it's okay, like he meant something else.
Travis didn't get into any fights. When Ash lurched towards him in the hallway, the metalhead had grabbed her shoulder, holding her back. He waved a hand at them, eyes on the floor, and grabbed the straps of his backpack tightly.
Travis didn't hand out his father's pamphlets. He couldn't keep them, for risk of getting punished, but throwing them away made guilt rise up in his gut. They remained in his backpack. He could only hope Father Phelps wouldn't look.
Travis ate his lunch, turned in all his schoolwork, paid attention in every class, and finally, when the last bell rang, booked it to the collection of lockers where Sal and his friends would be.
When they saw him running, they all reacted in varying ways. Todd brought his arms up to protect his glasses, the metalhead said, "Dude…", and Sally Face himself simply turned around to stare at him.
Ash, however, bent like a wrestler and said, very loudly, "I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY!"
Then she charged at him like an angry bull.
"OH FUCK-" Travis turned on his heel, almost face-planting to the ground, his shoes squeaking against the cold linoleum. "Sally Face! Call her off, I just- I want to talk to you!"
Ash chased him relentlessly, her heavy footfalls faster than his own. He rushed away, the church pamphlets in his bag weighing him down, pushing people out of his way just to escape. But he had been foolish- The doors on this end were locked after kids had been found fooling around out by the parking lot during school hours.
He'd run right into a dead end.
The metalhead was close behind. "Ash! Dude!" He barely seemed out of breath, though his long hair was a mess. "You can't kill someone on school grounds, you'll get caught."
But Ash didn't try to kill him. She just grinned, panting from exertion. "Like you don't want to, Larry."
"I don't know," he said, smiling back at her. "He's looking at you with Bambi eyes. I'd feel too bad."
Sal caught up, then, noticeably more out of breath than the others. Travis looked on with concern as he grappled with the back of his mask. Though he pulled his hands away from the buckles, Travis could tell he wanted to take the prosthetic off. Did it hurt, he wondered - did sweat make whatever injury he'd received ache or sting?
"Ash, I told you-"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember. You said you wanted to be friends with him!" Travis looked between the two of them in shock, affronted (and hopeful). "But that means I get to fuck with him just a little. It's called hazing, boys."
"You- That was-" Travis huffed, out of breath, eyes wide. "You were fucking with me?"
Ash laughed, covering her mouth with her sleeve. Her thick eyeliner was a little smudged from the sudden work out. "Yeah, dude. And it was super funny. You looked like you were running from a serial killer."
"I THOUGHT I WAS."
But that just made Ash laugh harder, snorting into her hands.
Sal seemed to be unamused, but when he spoke, his voice was full of concealed laughter. Traitor. "Be nice to Travis."
"Yeah! Be nice to me!"
"...Even if that was pretty funny."
"Hey!"
Sal's bubbly laughter was almost worth it.
*
Face still hot and now feeling sweaty, Travis let Sal lead him to the courtyard behind the school. There weren't many people still here, thankfully. It was Friday, so most people just wanted to get home.
"So, um, before Ash decided to- do that." Sal barely concealed a giggle. He stuck his hands in his pockets to appear more nonchalant. "What was it you wanted to talk about?"
Travis shuffled his feet awkwardly, kicking at the brown grass and loose dirt. "You were saying… about God. And temptation. The other day…"
"Oh, uh- yeah…" Sal reached up and for a moment, Travis cringed back, but it was only to pull sheepishly at his cute blue pigtail. "Listen, I shouldn't have gone off like that. I'm not a Christian, not really. But, y'know… I guess having a bone to pick with God means I do a lot of thinking about God."
Even as Sal laughed mirthlessly, a part of Travis reared up like a kicked dog, fearful and angry. Have a bone to pick with God? Even thinking like that gets somebody damned to Hell. But the rest of him…
He felt the bruises littering his ribs over his shirt. They were shaped like the toe of his father's shoe and they ached. Even just the gentle brush of his fingers made him flinch.
"I understand," he said. And he meant it. "And maybe it's blasphemy, but… I'm already ruined. I'm already damned." He hadn't meant to share that much. Fuck. "I mean-"
"You aren't ruined."
Travis' eyes shot from the floor back to Sal. He almost sounded like he was… about to cry? There was something hushed in his voice, the way Travis always felt when he saw a cat dead in the road. Like Travis had just said something terrible.
"Whatever you think has- ruined you, whatever those creeps at the Church say-"
"They aren't creeps!"
"To Hell they aren't!" Sal deflated just as quickly as he'd shot up with anger. "Anyone that would raise a child to believe they are broken for being- for being anything … Doesn't God tell you to love your neighbor?"
"Love the sinner, hate the sin." But it sounded like a question. Like Travis wasn't sure.
"They don't love sinners, Travis. They call anyone they don't love a sinner."
Travis closed his eyes. Even if he only used his own behavior to prove that point… It was truer than he wanted it to be. So true it hurt.
Sal stepped a little closer, finally. Then close enough to touch. So close Travis could feel the heat of his body and the weight of God's plan. "It's okay. I don't know what it is that hurts you, Travis, but I know whatever God there is wouldn't hate you. Wouldn't punish you."
"Because… we were made to be free?"
"Humans were made to have free will. That means whatever we do, God approves. We already left the garden, Trav, we don't have to live by those rules."
Travis laughed. Could it be that easy? "You sound like a sinner. But you also sound like a Christian."
"These things overlap more than those creeps want to admit." Sal tilted his head, then, and Travis could imagine him scrunching up his face like a curious kitten. "Actually, I'm not sure if people who aren't Christian can be sinners. Isn't sin a Christian concept?"
Something inside Travis felt light, for the first time. He laughed again, bright. "I don't know, Sally."
But, seeing Sal's eye light up, hearing that answering laugh…
He wanted to find out.
"Maybe we should look into it." And the sound of his voice- Travis knew he meant spending time together. Learning each other, not just religion. "Studying this stuff is cool. We could start this weekend."
God's test. God's great will you or won't you?
And Travis answered, "Yes. I'd like that."