Chapter Text
On the ride back home from the party, I genuinely had no idea how I managed to go an entire car ride with my sister without spilling the beans.
I thought my hidden smiles were enough to give it away, but honestly? She didn't seem all that interested in me. She looked tired and frustrated.
I thought about asking her what was going on, but then I didn't know if I was ready for a full blown conversation that would eventually end with me blurting out that I held Cyrus' hand.
No, I couldn't tell Billie that, she'd ask too many questions I definitely didn't have answers to.
When we finally got home, I was quick to go to my room, muttering that I really needed to 'sleep' as it was already midnight.
Billie paid no attention, she barged to her room.
If I wasn't dealing with my own stuff, I'd ask her. But I genuinely didn't think I could handle much at this point. I was excited and exhuasted and honestly just waiting for a text from Cyrus, to confirm something happened tonight.
But then, it had been a whole two hours since we held hands and Cyrus hadn't texted me yet. My phone was blissfully empty. And I'm not exactly saying I hoped he would text, but I expected him to. He always texted me after things happened in his life.
But this one time, he didn't. Was that a bad thing?
And as the hours passed, and I stared at my phone like it would somehow sudden a text I knew that was never coming, and I still couldn't sleep; the anxiety that he hadn't texted me progressively felt heavier.
And then, right around 2:30 A.M., the anxiety of the whole situation finally hit me.
I basically had a boyfriend. And unless I planned on staying extremely secretive about it I'd have to start doing things like coming out, being comfortable being coupley in public, and admitting to myself that a boyfriend was a point of no return for me.
Somehow a boy just doing something innocent like holding my hand was enough. I was spiraling. My entire life was going to change and I could do nothing about it.
Oh my god, did anyone see us holding hands? Were people already talking about it? The gay basketball captain.
Hell, I'd just barely come to terms with the implications of having a crush on a boy, of what that meant for my whole life. Having an actual full blown relationship? Having someone like me back? It felt like too much. I could never have enough time to process that.
I think I fell asleep somewhere around 3. Visions of that moment of us holding hands on an eternal repeat in my head.
I was violently torn from the few blissful hours of sleep I could get at exactly 8:02. My phone was vibrating.
The text was short. To the point. But it still made my stomach twist.
Cy: We need to talk about last night. Can you meet me at the park anytime before 9:30?
Well there was no denying that last night happened, was there? Cyrus remembered it too.
Feeling much more nervous than I should have, I stared at my phone helplessly for what felt like two minutes, just trying to think of a response.
I didn't even have it in me to be annoyed that he texted me so early. And I hated myself for knowing that he could ask me to meet him at 5 A.M. and my answer would always be an immediate yes.
Me: Let me check with my parents that it’s okay. I can be there in like 30 minutes?
Cy: See you in a half hour :)
I blushed. Okay, the happy face was good. Good sign. He didn’t regret whatever last night was.
Still half asleep, I hobbled my way towards the kitchen to at least get food in my system before allowing myself to deal with whatever was now happening with Cyrus.
Unsurprisingly, my mom was poring over her laptop while simultaneously trying to stuff a backpack full of sheet music and eating what looked like toast.
“You look nice,” I offered, trying to make conversation.
“And you look…awake?" She offered, looking confused, "It’s early for you bud.”
I shrugged, “Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t stay asleep I guess." I glanced at her outfit. She was in a dressy dress with her hair and make up done nice. My mom's style was always more relaxed, bohemian. Whoever this woman was, it wasn't my mom, "Why do you look nice?”
She glared at me.
“I’m accompanying a student’s Senior Recital tonight and I won’t have time to come back and change.” She groaned loudly as she glanced at the obnoxious collection of papers in front of her, “I don’t know why I agreed to be a part of that Jazz Band. I didn’t have time to begin with.” She grumbled to herself, “6…6 pieces.”
“Because it sounded fun.”
She glared at me.
“Anyways," I swallowed, nervous that she would somehow say no, "I was gonna’ go hang out with Cyrus today? Is that okay?”
She glanced at me curiously, “Like right now? Is he even awake?”
I forced a smile, “Yeah…he kind of woke me up, actually. He wants to know if I can meet up with him right now.”
She clicked her lips, “And you’ll be out all day?”
I shrugged, “I don’t know, actually.”
She shrugged, processing her helplessness in all of it and probably annoyed that she had to be a parent in the midst of all her work stress, “Yeah, yeah sure. It’s not like I have to worry about you when you’re with him.”
Well at least that meant she liked him. If...things came to that, I guess.
Trying to encourage her to cool down a bit, I joked, “Excuse me, we got out and do illegal things all the time. I stole a golf cart once.”
She glared at me for a moment, considering a response before shaking her head, “No no...plausible deniability. Don’t wanna’ know.”
I swallowed, not sure what to say anymore, “I um…I’m gonna’ go get dressed.”
“Do you want a ride?”
I shook my head, “No, ‘cause then I’ll have to figure out how to get home. I’ll just bike.”
“Check in with me every once in a while today, k?”
I forced a smile. Nodding.
The ride to the park felt like riding on jello. I felt like I was going a mile an hour and the closer I got to the park the harder it felt to get there. My legs just wouldn't cooperate. My mind didn't want my body to cooperate. The sooner I got there, the sooner I had to confront Cyrus and all of the thoughts that ran through my head last night.
I parked my bike at the edge of the park, in the designated bike area, but even from my spot I could roughly see that Cyrus was sitting there on the swings, even from a hundred yards away.
And it being this early, the only people I saw at the park was some early morning yoga class much too far away to notice two gay boys trying to have the dreaded 'Define The Relationship' talk.
My stomach was in knots as I slowly inched myself closer and closer to the swings.
I was still a good distance away when Cyrus spotted me. He sort of froze in his spot before standing. I could see him anxiously adjusting his shirt.
Once I got within 15 or so feet of him I felt myself walk even slower.
But Cyrus didn’t approach me.
Oh, I guess I had to get closer. I had to approach him.
I forced a smile as I got within a few feet of him. Not sure what to do with myself, I held my arm out for a hug, but even that felt weird.
Still, he took the opportunity to hug me but the whole thing felt so rushed and awkward and stiff, I was honestly really okay with him letting go of me.
I felt like I ran to the swing, just to escape any opportunity for physical contact. I just…couldn’t handle it. I felt too awkward about it. I felt too awkward about what it meant.
Thankfully, Cyrus didn’t comment on it, he just sat in his swing, staring at me.
We were quiet for an uncomfortable length of time before Cyrus broke it, “So…”
“So…”
“So uh…" Cyrus chuckled uncomfortably, "I guess we should talk about last night?”
I wasn’t proud of it, but my immediate response was, “Do we have to?”
“Well, no,” Cyrus got quiet, “But uh…I woke up sort of excited this morning and was fully planning on telling the crew about it at The Spoon later but then I realized…that’s um…I guess I just want to get my story straight before I say something…inaccurate to them?” He paused again, looking concerned for me, “Plus, I guess, if you don’t want me saying anything to them, I have to respect that too.”
I let out a long sigh.
Cyrus sounded self-conscious now, “I didn’t imagine last night, did I? I…this is new territory for me, I don’t know how…”
I blushed, no hint of a smile on my face, only nervous energy, “No, you didn’t imagine it. We definitely held hands.”
“So you…”
He couldn’t finish the sentence, but I knew what he meant. He was trying to ask me what it meant.
“I uh…” I considered my words. I guess I had to tell him everything now, didn't I? “I’m pretty sure I’m gay. I think. I’m not sure exactly, but like…not straight?” My face started burning at the words, “Wow…I think that’s the first time I’ve said that out loud.”
“Yeah, it’s a weird feeling saying it the first few times,” he smiled, sounding proud of himself. I guess he was out to people then?
Cyrus continued, reflecting fondly, “I remembered after I told Jonah, I thought I could like run a marathon. This really big relief.”
“So you’re…you’ve told…”
“Buffy was the first person I told. Then a few months later Andi. Then much later Jonah,” he paused, considering the count, “And I guess I’m a little too comfortable at Andi’s house and totally forgot that I hadn’t actually come out to Bex. Buffy and I were doing homework in the kitchen a couple months ago while Bex was getting food and I uh…well I was talking about you, in a pretty obvious way so…that’s kind of how she found out. She was super supportive, of course.”
By that logic, I’m betting Bex was hoping something would happen between us the moment she realized I was talking about Cyrus last night.
And apparently I wasn’t the only middle school boy to come out to her.
I swallowed, feeling small, “Yeah, I just barely told Billie a few weeks ago. Haven’t really told anyone else.”
Almost as if he wasn’t listening, he interrupted, “Oh, also I sort of accidentally came out to my mom last night!”
“What?! How do you accidentally come out?”
“Well she picked me up from the party, and I was in a really good mood and I may have kiiiiinnnd of mentioned that I thought my crush liked me and before I realized what I was saying I said the word ‘he’ soo…” he quickly recovered, “But I mean, I didn’t say who it was. And trust me, she suddenly wanted to know everything.”
“So she was okay with it then?”
“Oh yeah,” Cyrus smiled, “She was just excited at the thought of me dating someone,” he paused, frowning, his mind somewhere else, “It’s probably good I didn’t say who though, I should probably tell her I’m not out publicly ‘cause she’ll tell all of Shadyside if I don’t stop her.”
Well that’s terrifying.
“Anyways,” I sighed, feeling antsy, “I guess we should figure some stuff out if you’re over here telling people things.”
Cyrus forced a smile at me, “Where do you want to start?”
I let out a long sigh, “I’m guessing trying to convince that I don’t like you, would be…not believable.”
Cyrus lips turned up into a small smile, almost a smirk, “Well, you did hold my hand. And you made it sound like you did.”
I blushed, “No…I do.” I could feel my face grow warm. It was weird still admitting it, even though it was already so obvious, “I like you, it’s just—”
“You never thought you’d get to this point?”
I nodded at him.
“So…" he paused, sounding more curious than anything, "what does that make us?”
I could feel my stomach twist. This was all just too overwhelming, and honestly I didn’t feel ready. I hated myself that I was looking in his eyes and all I could feel was terror. After everything, was I really self-sabotaging right now?
I guess that's for average though. When did I not self-sabotage?
“Look, Cyrus…”
He didn’t say anything, but I could see the genuine worry and concern in his eyes. He immediately sat up straight.
“I…I don’t know if I’ve had as much time to…process, I guess…as you have? And I’ve known that I liked you for a while now. But…liking you and like dating you are two really different things. I mean, look at what I did these past two months…”
Cyrus’ response was immediate, “What really happened with Costume Day, TJ?”
I let out a long sigh. Feeling guilty all over again, “It was…me being self-conscious. Kira made me feel like doing a costume with you would look coupley and…I wasn’t ready to come out to you or tell you how I felt and somehow I convinced myself that people would figure out I liked you and it would get back to you somehow. Like walking into that school with you would be this big announcement that we were something, and I wasn’t ready to even consider that yet.”
He sighed, “And you’re still not ready?”
I sighed too, “I’m more ready than before. I think I’m ready for other people to know about me. But…not really so public, you know? Like telling friends...I just, people pay attention to the gay athlete, you know? And that's a lot of pressure at 14.”
“So, you’re saying that you don’t want to date, then?” He sounded disappointed.
“I do,” I swallowed, “I just…I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship. Especially like one that other people know about. You’re…you know what you want and who you are, you’ve always been like that. I’m still not sure. And like, this is all just really overwhelming. But I never ever thought you’d like me back, so I don’t…know how to…be a boyfriend to a boy.”
“Well neither do I,” Cyrus shrugged, chuckling, “My only relationship was to a girl and boy…well, that was a time. I kissed her and I knew.”
“You’ve had a girlfriend and a first kiss?”
He sounded genuinely shocked, “You haven’t?! But you're so....” he paused unsure of what to say, before quietly whispering self-consciously, "cute."
I blushed at that, but deciding against responding to it for the sake of my sanity, the world already made my heart beat like a million miles a minute. I forced a smile, “Well, I had a girlfriend, between 6th and 7th grade, but we only sort of dated over the summer for a couple weeks and barely saw each other. And we…I’ve never kissed anyone.”
Cyrus looked hopeful, and a little bit flirty, “Too early?”
I blushed at that. I didn’t expect him to be so brave. I didn’t expect to be as flattered as I was.
Still, my anxiety was still pretty high over it all, and all of his flirting was not helping.
“Maybe we can start with just holding hands for now.” I forced a smile, trying to offer him something I could handle.
Cyrus smiled at that, “I’m okay with that.”
“If we…if you give me time, let me sort of get used to this, maybe one day I’ll act like a normal boyfriend.”
Cyrus beamed at that, “Are you asking?”
I wasn’t sure, “Should I?”
“I’ll wait for you until you’re ready, TJ." He smiled, genuine, "Maybe just knowing you like me back is enough for this week, anyways.”
“I’m sorry." I felt so guilty. He was so ready. And he liked me. But I just...couldn't. "I’m sure you wanted a for sure boyfriend out of this conversation. And I want to be that, I just…you deserve someone as confident and brave as you, and I’m not…there yet. I want to be, for you.”
“No. Be brave. For you. Coming out is hard enough." He looked so serious at that. He was so much wiser than I was. "And hey, if we’re secret somethings until you’re ready to tell more people, I’m not gonna’ rush you.”
“I’m okay with…you telling your friends though. Maybe that we held hands or—”
“Maybe not that, actually. They’ll start trying to get us together,” he considered, chuckling, “And maybe you should tell them, so they only know what you’re comfortable saying.”
“I brought a guest!” Cyrus announced eagerly, and loud enough for half of The Spoon to hear him. He was nearly dragging me by my sweater as he lead me towards his group of friends.
Thankfully, The Spoon was busy enough that nobody actually paid him any attention, because I was definitely blushing.
They all smiled at me from a corner booth. Andi, Buffy, and Jonah.
They waved, looking eager.
My stomach immediately twisted. Why was all of this suddenly so hard? They were just people.
And you know, my new 'not-boyfriend's' best friends.
At the sight of me, Jonah immediately stood up. Leaving the booth in search of an extra seat.
I sort of stood there, waiting for him, ready to take the chair from him the second he came back.
But then as he walked back towards us, and I reached out for the chair, he held the chair tight, shaking his head, “It’s fine, TJ. You can sit in the booth. I like sitting on the end anyways.”
Why was I feeling so self-conscious? “Are you sure?”
He was just being nice, but I honestly couldn't handle it, “You’re our guest.”
“Morning TJ,” Buffy smiled.
“Morning.”
“Morning,” Andi smiled, granting me with a few seconds of genuine attention, before immediately turning to Buffy, “Anyways, you said you had news?”
Buffy blushed, glancing at me self-consciously for a moment before she decided she didn't care. “So um, Marty sort of kissed me last night,” she got sort of giddy as she said it, “So...yeah. And, we're supposed to hang out later today. Our first real actual date."
"Took you guys long enough," Cyrus teased, "I'm happy for you Buffy!"
"Seriously." Andi looked at her knowingly, elbowing Buffy, "So when are you going to let him hang out with us. He'll need to be initiated."
Oh, god. Oh god no. That was going to be me soon, wasn't it.
"Who cares about that," Cyrus nearly slammed his hand on the table, "You kept this valuable information from us until now! You looked me in the eyes yesterday and didn't say anything."
I didn't mean to make it so obvious, but I glared at him. He was doing the same thing.
Much calmer than I could ever respond, she shrugged, “Last night was for me. And more about Andi…so it didn’t really come up.”
Cyrus crossed his arms at his chest, "Didn't come up."
Oh, please. Dude.
Thankfully Jonah changed topics, by glancing at Andi with this look of dissapointment, “Do we really only have a few weeks left with you?”
“You make it sound like we don’t have the entire summer to hang out before I start at SAVA.” She paused, chuckling “Besides, it’s only on the other side of town. We can still hang out after school and on weekends.”
SAVA was that art school. Oh, she was going to a different high school? Wow, I guess their little crew was sort of breaking up then?
“Will we though? Between extra curriculars and sports and your art activities, will we?” Cyrus interjected, looking sad himself now, "It'll never be the same after this. It's so sad." He paused, "We're all super proud of you though!"
Andi’s smile dropped at that, “Let’s not think that far ahead…”
The group of us got quiet for a moment.
But then suddenly Andi returned her attentions to Cyrus, smirking “Oh, Cy…what was so ‘life-changing’ about last night, by the way?”
I know she didn't mean to make it so obvious, but I saw her turn to me for a second the moment she said it. She looked far too happy.
Thankfully, Cyrus was trying to play clueless, “Oh? Did I say that? I don’t remember.”
Buffy glared at him.
Cyrus started mumbling, “I don’t know if TJ really wants to hear…”
“I thought he was your best friend,” Buffy teased, she looked way too proud of herself.
“Best guy friend,” he immediately turned to Jonah. Always playing peace-keeper, “Which, I have two of. Like I have two best girl friends.”
I forced a smile, not sure how to segue, but now seemed like the best opportunity to save him from this mess. They were receptive, and clearly accepting of him. From under the table I slyly brushed my hand against his leg. He immediately sat up tall, but he attempted to hide it. I forced a smile, “Tell us, Cy.”
“Oh…” he paused, trying to figure out how to word it. Maybe we should have rehearsed what we were going to say to them. I put him in a really awkward position. “Uh…well…” he glanced at me, sounding excited, “I came out to TJ last night.”
Buffy and Andi’s responses were mixes of curiosity, hopefulness, and confusion. I’m guessing that’s not what they expected to hear him say. “Oh?”
In their defense, neither did I.
“Yeah,” I sighed, smiling, “We um...well we talked last night about stuff and uh…it sort of just happened.”
I was throwing him under the bus. Ugh. But this was terrifying. It's not that I thought they wouldn't be supportive, it's more that I thought they'd be too supportive, and weasel their way into whatever Cyrus and I were trying to figure out.
I turned to Cyrus, he was glancing at me. So proud, so supportive. I was honestly shocked. Here I was putting all the pressure on him, and he looked proud of me?
“Well, he didn’t really come out, exactly. He didn't say the words out loud," I chuckled, awkwardly, trying to make this conversation feel less traumatizing than it was, glancing at him, "we just sort of looked at each other and knew what the other was saying.” I paused, feeling nervous, wringing my hands in my lap, “But uh…I guess I just wanted to say…um…I’m…" I felt my chest tighten, as I tried to let it out, "sort of…we sort of...came out to each other last night.”
The table got eerily quiet. I couldn’t look at them.
But then Buffy reached across the table to extend a hand towards me.
She had nothing to grab, as my hands were still wringing in my lap, but I looked up at the sight of her hands moving towards me.
She was smiling, “Thanks for trusting us, too. That's awesome. That's awesome that you have each other to talk to about it.”
“Just to quash the burning question here, we’re not together." Cyrus immediately interjected, sensing that this was where this was going, "The only news here is…well TJ.”
Buffy frowned at that, “Oh.”
But I did consider how it looked from their point of view. Imagine working up the nerve to come out to your crush, find out they liked boys too, only to find out they didn’t like you specifically?
That would be my worst case nightmare. That’s for sure.
“Wow,” I forced a smile, trying to break the tension I created, “I’ve never had so many people know the truth. It feels like…freeing?”
Buffy ruined the mood immediately though, “And Kira?”
“Kira is gone, hopefully forever…but probably not…she’s…well she’s probably got some sort of revenge plot.”
Buffy was actually shocked, “What did you do to her?!”
I shrugged, “Not like her back. That’s not exactly my fault though…I…" I blushed, "can’t?”
Buffy cringed at that, “Well, I got your back TJ. She's not allowed to come after you.”
“Thanks, Buffy.”
"So what you're saying is that this group is almost majority guys now," Jonah glanced between all of us, interrupting the sweet moment by looking sort of dissapointed, "And I'm the only one here that doesn't like boys?"
Buffy broke out in tears, "I'll make sure to bring Marty around more, just for you."