Chapter Text
Sonny really doesn’t know why he keeps having these moments. Earlier this evening before they left their Manhattan apartment Sonny had one of those, again, where he couldn’t believe just how lucky he is to have this man.
They were standing shoulder to shoulder in front of the bathroom mirror styling their hair. Sonny had learned by now that Rafael doesn’t like to be disturbed while getting ready, so Sonny was just smiling at him and his heart skipped a beat when Rafael’s pair of green eyes found Sonny’s blue ones in the mirror and returned a short, but sweet smile.
Sonny’s chest warmed up and by the time they arrive on Staten Island, Sonny’s heart pounds like mad. But it is a good mad.
Rafael looks good today. He always looks good, how can he not really? But still, Sonny feels like Rafael has never looked as good as he does today. Sonny knows the way men and women alike look at Rafael and there’s no need to deny that Sonny has always been one of them. From the day he met him, Sonny admires the man for his wit, his eloquence, his elegance, but surely also for the fact that he is fucking hot. And since they are together this all has gotten worse; Sonny is just a little more smitten.
But it is not just because of the rose-colored glasses through which he tends to look at Rafael. Sonny can tell that Rafael really put in an extra effort today. The blue color of the simple button-up shirt is well chosen. The pants hug Rafael’s round ass in all the right places and he crowns his look with a leather jacket that is casual, but still gives Rafael his usual chicness.
(In general Sonny noticed that during the course of their relationship Rafael’s whole wardrobe has shifted from a pink and purple to a bluer color scheme. An observation that makes his heart pump so hard that he doesn’t dare yet to actually ask Rafael about it.)
No matter how good he looks, Rafael, on the whole, doesn’t look like he would blend in with a crowd in a Staten Island high school gym. But not fitting in or deliberately choosing to not do so is a hard lesson learned for the both of them. This evening Sonny is ready to do the latter, just as well as he is sure that he (again and at last) simply won’t achieve the first. This time though, unlike two decades before, he will do it with grace and confidence.
Besides, now approaching forty Sonny figures that everyone must have finally put these children’s games from back then behind themselves.
So when Sonny walks up to the gym, where he went to his prom twenty years ago, he puts his palm on the small of Rafael’s back and actually feels good. Moreover, Sonny’s chest swells with pride, because more than him showing up with who he thinks is basically the sexiest person alive, Sonny this time shows up with the right one.
Which girl he had brought twenty years ago, Sonny doesn’t remember. Back then, it was more about having a date per se, showing up alone would have been a bigger shame than not showing up at all. Sonny remembers though how awkward he had felt in his lent suit. The flowers he had bought for his date were more expensive than five jars of that hair jelly he had smeared in his hair.
Twenty years ago the prom evening was overall not a disaster but disastrous, embarrassing for lack of dancing skills (not a lack thereof actually, but rather a lack of understanding on his classmate’s part about the true meaning of dancing as if no one’s looking) and sloppy for lack of experience otherwise.
Sonny’s hand is still glued to Rafael’s back when he guides him inside. They walk through a long hallway past the locker rooms. A big sign on the wall indicates the welcoming to the 20th anniversary of their high school graduation. The prom theme that the reunion committee has chosen is executed rather poorly. The décor is scarce, there’s not even a photographer. Only a giant homemade picture frame and a selfie stick. One side glance to Rafael tells Sonny to not even ask.
“I hated PE in school.”
“Why am I not surprised?”
“I was a small, fat Cuban kid. What do you expect?”
“You weren’t fat.”
“Chubby, call it whatever.”
“Your ma showed me those pics, you were very cute.”
“You always call me cute.”
“Because you are- hey, look there! They put up pictures.” Sonny points with his index finger to a wall covered in old photographs and grabs Rafael by the hand. “Let’s see if you can find me.”
“With this nose? I won’t even need my reading glasses.”
Sonny lets out a ringing laughter and he is happy to notice that this conjures a little color on Rafael’s round cheeks.
Sonny’s mother used to say that she was able to make him out in any picture within two seconds, because he was a head taller than all his peers.
“There!” Indeed Rafael takes one look at the big board with pictures and points correctly into the crowd of a particular group picture. “Oh my god, Sonny, I need to finally ask you this. But what was going on with those suits?”
“It was the 2000s, Rafi…”
“This may excuse that pattern on that tie, but- why? The suit doesn’t even fit! I mean, why would you? Why did no one hold you back?”
“It was cousin Franky’s old suit.”
Rafael looks at Sonny and only blinks. “The question remains.”
“He was as tall as me, but maybe a little stronger around the waist.”
Rafael considers him for a moment longer and shakes his head. “No wonder this young lady doesn’t look happy.” Rafael points to another picture of Sonny and his date.
Well actually, Sonny does remember her name. It was Marisa Coppola, a neighbor of his cousin Talia. Sonny had tried to get her to go out with him since he was around fourteen years old. As she was one year older than him that was by the natural laws of teenage dating a lost cause, but in the end he had achieved somehow.
Maybe it was around this time that Sonny learned that trying hard and his Nonna’s cannoli filled with Nutella would pay off at some point. Marisa went with him to prom and Sonny made it to second base that night. And to third some weeks after. Only to break up just a week after that.
What Sonny doesn’t remember though is the disappointment of the break-up as it was followed by many others. And none of his exes had ever come close to giving him the heartbeat Rafael is giving him. So from the point where Sonny is standing now, he sees no point in why he should bother.
“My aunt Rene may have tricked her into going.”
“No one else wanted to buff up their pocket money?”
“Ha ha, very funny. I was after her for a long time actually.”
Rafael sends him a long look. “So it's proven again, your taste in women is just horrible.”
“What?” Sonny pouts. He knows that Rafael loves exactly that, his spontaneous outrage, and maybe that is what Sonny is going for it in the first place. He allows Rafael to tease him, but is careful enough to not be too obvious.
Which doesn’t mean he is not offended.
“Look at that fake blonde hair! I mean, did she do it herself? ‘Cause otherwise, this is just- why is it this yellow? Did she smoke?”
“Rafi, it’s an 18 year old girl going to fucking prom. Chill!”
“Is she here today?”
“I doubt it, she was older than me.”
“Too bad.”
Sonny rolls his eyes and puts an arm around his shoulder. “Don’t worry, I can show you who else I slept with.”
Now, it’s Rafael’s turn to laugh out loud. A little too much and a little too loud. “You didn’t sleep around in high school.”
“Hey!” Sonny sends him a withering look, but when Rafael just raises his brow he gives up immediately. “Okay, okay. I was not as slutty as you.”
“If that’s supposed to hurt me, it doesn’t.”
Sonny smirks. Out of the corner of his eyes he catches sight of a familiar face. “I know, I know. You had fun. But so did I. I did a lot of stuff.”
Sonny lifts his hand to greet the ginger haired man who is standing only a few feet away from them. The man returns Sonny’s smile and mouths a “hello” that seems to get stuck in his throat the moment he sees Sonny’s hand on Rafael’s shoulder. The man’s eyes flick between Sonny and Rafael and the realization must hit him somewhere along the way. He just clears his throat and gives them both a nervous nod and hurries inside without a word.
“Okay.” Rafael wets his lips, Sonny knows him to do that when he gets excited about something. “Let me guess what that was. Your first boyfriend. You were his first love and he never got over you.”
“More like first secret.” Sonny lets go of Rafael’s shoulder and helps him out of his jacket. They walk to the short line in front of the cloakroom.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I was his first boyfriend probably, he was certainly mine. If that term is even applicable to what we had.”
“Now I’m intrigued.”
“We somehow ended up kissing in the locker room one afternoon. Our PE teacher made us stay late for some reason. I don’t know if it was his first kiss, it was not mine. With a man or otherwise. But it was sloppy and bad and very wet. Anyway, we made out a couple of times, in the back of his older brother’s car mostly and his was the first dick I touched. It was a very hurried handjob.”
A smile cracks Rafael’s face. “This is what first handjobs are like.”
Sonny looks at him a little surprised. Rafael is not one to talk about his past in general, sexual or otherwise, and hearing him admit that he had bad sexual experiences quite frankly astounds him.
“Yeah, it was terrible.” Sonny sighs heavily. “What was even worse was that he was so fucking afraid of getting caught. It was like he wanted it, but at the same time felt bad for it. Very catholic, you know. It was not a good first experience for a boy in his sexual awakening.”
“But you’re catholic, too.”
“Yeah, and I did feel bad. I mean, I didn’t want anybody to know before I knew, you know, what this meant. But I always trusted in god that he let me do what was good for me. I felt comfortable with what I was doing, but I didn't feel comfortable with the shame that came along with it.”
Sonny hands their jackets to a teenage girl with horn-rims who smiles at them shyly. Sonny decides to give her a generous tip and Rafael also slips her a twenty dollar bill, before they start walking towards to the main room of the gym.
“What’s his name?”
“Thomas.”
“So let me guess, you broke up with him because you couldn’t take the secretiveness anymore?”
“Nah, Tommy ended this pretty quickly, I guess, because he couldn’t take himself anymore.”
“Were you heartbroken?”
Sonny and Rafael exchange a look and come to stand in front of the entrance door of the gym.
“Nah.” Sonny shakes his head. “I mean, yes. I was fifteen maybe? He was one of the first people I liked. Gosh, he was one of the first who liked me. It hurt me that he was so ashamed. I didn’t understand back then that it was not about me.”
Rafael smiles at him and nods understandingly: “I think, I prefer your stories with women.”
“Rafi, you’re such an ass sometimes.” Sonny shakes his head and gestures him with one hand to walk inside before him.
“What? I want to hear drama, but that was just depressing.”
Sonny just smiles at him and puts one palm between Rafael’s shoulder blades. His gaze drifts through the crowd. There is less décor than the last time he was here. People are certainly dressed better, but at a glance Sonny detects that his former classmates are trying maybe even harder today than they were twenty years ago in their prom dresses.
Jane, a short woman with beautiful long black hair, is the first one to greet them. She appears in front of them apparently out of nowhere and Sonny is immediately glad that his old friend is shorter than Rafael.
She hugs Sonny so heartedly that Rafael considers for a moment if she, too, is an old flame.
“This is Jane Singh, we were basically BFFs. I would’ve failed biology so hard without her. And, Jane, this is Rafael Barba, uh, my boyfriend.”
The most beautiful pink in the world appears on Sonny’s cheeks. The smile on Sonny’s face is ridiculous. It’s impossible to oversee how proud he is to say that sentence: This is Rafael Barba, uh, my boyfriend. But Jane’s and Rafael’s expressions are equally filled with pride at the sight of how happy Sonny is.
After a few minutes of more or less meaningful chatter, they soon part away from Jane, whose lips are wrinkling in a surprised, but knowing smile, with the plan to meet up in Manhattan for a drink one day and Sonny goes on to introduce Rafael to a string of other people.
Rafael realizes in a heartbeat that not everyone is happy to see Sonny, not hostile but certainly annoyed. The smiles of some of Sonny’s former classmates are tense, but they shake hands politely all the same. Rafael hasn’t expected him to be one of the popular kids and he is even less surprised about how oblivious Sonny is about this; because Detective “You can call me Sonny” meets everyone with enthusiasm.
All the while Rafael feels people eyeing him, Sonny’s companion this evening, from head to toe, with secretive glances, without daring to ask any further questions.
Rafael cannot deny that he enjoys the attention. Secretly, he applauds himself for the outfit he had chosen for himself. Even though Sonny insists that he doesn’t and never did make his sexuality a secret, Rafael knows that this evening basically is a come out for him, to former classmates and maybe people who don't matter that much, but still people he went to school with. People that are familiar faces in that big past Sonny has left behind on Staten Island. And needless to say that Rafael wants to look good for that all the same.
The evening though is as expected pretty boring. As Rafael knows about Sonny’s life and doesn’t care much for anyone else’s, he doesn’t need to listen to most of the conversations and only talks when he finds someone willing to listen to him (one of those people is Tommy’s wife Rachel who eagerly discusses tax advantages for married couples with him).
Instead, Rafael takes his time looking at his boyfriend. He would never stare at him so openly back in Manhattan. The goofy expression he gets when Rafael eyes Sonny for a few moments too long is not a good look on him, but it doesn’t matter tonight on that island where no one knows him. Besides, the silly smile on his face is actually working in Sonny’s favor.
The happy wrinkles around his eyes and the relaxed expression on his face are in turn a very good look on Sonny. Sonny’s whole aura tonight, the confident posture and the raised chin, is what is making him especially attractive. Rafael is happy with the outfit he had chosen for him. It’s a casual version of what Sonny wears to work every day: fine denims, a rosy button-up and a vest in a blue color. It just hugs his features in all the right places.
“Ca-reasy!”
Rafael turns around to see where the roaring laughter is coming from and what he finds is a group of three men approaching. One of them cut himself while shaving, a huge scratch stretches across his right cheek, the other one has a big coffee stain that Rafael could detect even on the black shirt he is wearing and the last one is wearing a t-shirt that simply says “beer”. It is that last one who pads Sonny a little too hard on the shoulder, but Sonny keeps his back straight.
“I’m so happy you showed up here!”
The way the words stumble over the man’s tongue lets Rafael know that when it comes to their alcohol level he is ahead of everyone in that gym and the same must be true for the other two men.
“But don’t worry, you don’t need to give us your homework today.”
The three men laugh loudly and way too intense considering how lame the joke was, but Rafael immediately sees something in Sonny’s expression shift. It is his smile that leaves his eyes and freezes around his lips.
“You look fancy.”
Something in the pit of Rafael’s stomach is burning. The coffee stained man slaps the back of his hand against Sonny’s stomach.
“Yeah, nice color! Very gay!”
The three men look at each other and burst out into laughter again.
For a moment there, Sonny’s eyes go blank as if he wishes to stop existing on the spot. Rafael knows that this is what he is thinking, because back when he was a kid in the Bronx he used to see that look in people’s eyes many times. And on one occassion or the other he may have had it on his own face.
And for a weird moment something happens that didn’t happen to Rafael in a long time: He doesn’t know what to say. Words are his means, his tools and everything. He always knows what to say. But now he feels weirdly tongue-tied.
“Okay, Hunter, keep it down. You shouldn’t use the word ‘gay’ that way. It could be considered offensive.”
Rafael wants to smack Sonny. Sometimes he is such a cop. It’s like he has never been on the streets. This Hunter person with his "beer" t-shirt won’t care shit about political correctness.
“Oh, Carisi, are you still such a girl about everything?”
Rafael basically sees the moment in Sonny’s face when he decides to ignore them and instead will go for what he knows best: Kill them with kindness.
And even though Rafael doesn’t think that’s the right thing to do, to avoid confrontation even twenty years after the facts, he gets it. Here on his high school reunion, Sonny probably doesn’t want to pick up a fight.
So when he sees Sonny squaring his shoulders, so does Rafael.
“Rafael, let me introduce you to Billy Bianchi, Grayson Hunter and Jimmy Neigh, we call him ‘Pepe’.” There is a smile on Sonny’s face, but it is just there for show. There is no heart in his words. “And this is my partner Rafael Barba.”
“Oooh!”
There it is again, the roaring laughter. Rafael doesn’t bat an eye. He stands above this simplistic behavior, but he sees how hard Sonny is fighting the blush that is unavoidably creeping up his neck. There’s no way the others didn’t see that and won’t make fun of it.
The one who Sonny had introduced as “Pepe” leans on Sonny’s shoulders and openly looks at Rafael: “Rafael, you know what? We always knew this one was a fag!”
“Yeah, good for you.” As Sonny’s shoulders are occupied by Pepe’s hands, Billy Bianchi’s fist bumps against Rafael’s instead.
His 2k outfit may not be the best evidence of that, but Rafael knows what "street" means. Instead of telling him to not touch him, Rafael looks down on his shoulder and then stares at Billy Bianchi for a long moment without saying anything. The short silence that stretches between them does its deed, because Billy Bianchi is clearly taken aback about not getting the retort he wanted.
“No need to turn into a lobster now, Ca-reasy,” Hunter bawls. His nose is red like a clown’s from the amount of alcohol he had or the sick enjoyment he is having now, Rafael doesn’t know which one. But he knows that he doesn’t like the apologetic look Sonny is sending him.
“Okay, none of you call me a fag-“
“Ugh, why do you always need to be offended, Ca-reasy?” Hunter laughs out loud.
“We don’t mean it, you know that,” Pepe is quick to add and grins disgustingly.
“Well, it’s offensive to call me a 'fag'. It was back then and it is now.”
“But this is what you are,” Billy Bianchi says. “The only difference is that today you know that.”
Rafael doesn’t like the calmness in Billy Bianchi's voice, he is obviously drunk but unlike his companions the buzz doesn’t make him cocky. And of course, Rafael has made a guess about whose brother Billy Bianchi is the moment he heard his name.
“Seems like he’s still mad at us.” Hunter shrugs his shoulders. “We were playing games, Carisi. We were kids back then.”
“Yeah, and it was the way you behaved, dude!” Pepe raises an index finger and directs his next question at Rafael: “Do you know that he used to bring homemade cannoli to the teachers. Not apples, homemade cannoli! And not homemade by his mother by the way. Homemade by him! I mean, how gay is that?”
“You don’t need to tell Rafael, Pepe,” Billy Bianchi interrupts him. “He’s also a fag. He-“
“Don’t you dare calling him a fag!”
Sonny has appeared and manifests his presence solid as a rock between Rafael and Billy Bianchi, before Rafael even has a chance to open his mouth.
“Look who’s finally able to stand up for himself? Or should I say for his little latin lover?”
Billy Bianchi exposes a set of yellow teeth and Rafael sees Sonny’s face contorting in an attempt to keep his anger under control.
So Billy Bianchi is one of the smart ones. He would easily get Hunter and Pepe to fight his fights and he would sit back and smile. The alcohol makes the three of them a dangerous mix. It makes Billy Bianchi dangerously prudent and the other two dangerously reckless.
Plus, these three probably have nothing else to show off at a reunion other than to prove that they are still bullies.
Rafael fists his hands as well. He feels his blood boiling, but is willing to follow Sonny’s lead all the same. Rafael had started to trust Sonny to know what he is doing in situations like these long before they got together and these three gentlemen are after all Sonny’s nightmares.
“Oh, we’re all friends here.” Billy Bianchi takes a step forward and turns to Rafael. “And hey, I get it. I really do. It’s his lips isn’t it?” Rafael can smell the cheap vodka on his breath, when Billy Bianchi comes to stand in front of him. “You just want to have them around your dick. Back then he never wanted to bl-.”
“You better stop talking.”
“Rafael!” Sonny puts a hand on Rafael’s shoulder and tries to guide him away. Hunter and Pepe by now look somewhat gloomy, but unlike Sonny they don’t search for the way out (yet) and keep standing behind Billy Bianchi. “Not tonight,” Sonny whispers in his ear.
“Or what?” Billy Bianchi asks cockily.
“Or I’m going to show you what consequences it has to talk like this," Rafael repeats calmly.
“And whatcha gonna do?” Billy Bianchi replies with an inviting hand gesture.
“Rafael, please.”
Rafael raises one hand to indicate Sonny to give him just a minute and he steps close to Billy Bianchi, so that he in turn can smell the fine Scotch on Rafael’s breath.
“That’s sexual harassment what you’re doing there, which constitutes sexual misconduct. And sexual misconduct is-“
“Oh, who’re you? A lawyer?”
“As a matter of fact I am, and so is he by the way.” Rafael nods with his head to Sonny and is happy to see that Billy Bianchi for a moment is caught off guard. Rafael takes this moment to step back, to leave the scene, because he doesn’t know that, if this goes on any longer, he will be able to stop himself. “And he is a cop, so we don’t even need to call the police. He could just arrest you right away.”
Billy Bianchi looks at both of them, Sonny and Rafael, with eyes full of hate. “You were so soft. How did you make it through the Academy?”
“Unlike you I tried!”
And Sonny turns around on the spot and leaves.
With fast steps. Rafael realizes that the crowd has turned silent and probably watched the whole exchange. Sonny didn’t want a scene, but Rafael doesn’t feel bad. Because all they watched was Billy Bianchi and his gang not getting what they wanted. And Sonny has walked away with squared shoulders and a raised chin.
Rafael smirks to himself.
“Oh and Billy!” Rafael cannot help himself but turn to Billy Bianchi one last time before he follows Sonny. “I hope this whole scene makes you feel like you have a big dick.” Rafael leans in, but he doesn’t bother to lower his voice. “Because I can tell you that he does have one.”