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“Yeah.” Jackson nods. “Like it’s so easy to forget that you disagree with my decision.”
“I shouldn’t have said anything...” Stiles agrees.
“You speak first and you think later, what else is new?” Jackson shrugs.
“For your information, I have been thinking about this for a while… so I don’t think that your observation can be correctly applied in this case. Not that thinking you were dead for days, that I’d never see you again, and that I couldn’t even say goodbye, didn’t totally terrify me and has made me aware of the fact that every time you go through that door to god knows where I might never see you again.”
“That’s…” Jackson shakes his head. “That’s crazy… You know what I do. You’ve always known the risks… You—Wait…” Jackson frowns when he realizes what Stiles just said. “How long has been for a while exactly?”
“I don’t know.” Stiles shrugs. “For a while is an indefinite time…” Stiles waves his arms. “It is an unknown amount of time… so unknown means, I don’t know, you know?”
Jackson snorts and rests his head again on the back of the sofa.
“It doesn’t matter. Believe it or not, I knew this was a long shot… It was stupid to mention it… I knew you wouldn’t—”
“I think I know when for a while started,” Jackson says, looking back at Stiles.
“What do you mean?” Stiles frowns.
“Yeah, you knew what my job entails… you knew the kind of things I have to do even if I don’t want to.” Maybe want isn’t the best word but saying something else feels equally pointless to Jackson. “But the moment I actually talked about it, I guess it became real to you. And we talked about it because you said it was better to talk about it but I shouldn’t have listened to you. Because I know you. I know how you are and I should have known better.” Jackson closes his eyes, shaking his head as he remembers that night. “It’s obviously my lack of judgment—It’s my fault, not yours…” That much he has to accept.
“It’s not your fault. And it’s not about that. I told you I wanted to know and my point of view hasn’t changed.”
Jackson snorts. “The fact that you knew right away what I was referring to proves that you are lying, you know?”
Stiles stays silent for a few seconds and licks his lips as he realizes what’s happened.
“Yeah, and I don’t appreciate you using your spy interrogation techniques on me, you know?”
“I can’t help it. You’re too easy.” Jackson grins. “And seriously, I’m never sharing anything with you again.” It was stupid and he totally regrets it.
“Look, it’s not…” Stiles tries to find the words. “I’ve already told you: I’m okay with it. Sex is not the problem. I know it’s a part of the job and sometimes your cover requires getting people to trust you, which can lead to fake relationships and—”
“Fucking said people—Yes. But before we talked about it, I guess you didn’t think about it. Or maybe you didn’t think I actually had to go that far… and now when I’m away for days, you think I’m out there having sex every freaking day, right? And so, you don’t want me out there anymore—”
“That’s bullshit.” Stiles shrugs.
“I don’t think it is,” Jackson shakes his head, sitting sideways, looking directly at Stiles’s eyes. “And I mean, a part of me can’t blame you. I wouldn’t like you fucking anybody else… but that’s not really my job. That’s not what I have to do most of the time.” Jackson sighs. “Admit it, all these feelings you’re having started that night, right?”
Stiles shakes his head. “Maybe…” He finally says. “Maybe it’s true but I don’t think that you’re out there having sex every day like you said. I know the risks you take and how dangerous what you do is, and that’s what really bothers me. And probably what happened to you definitely made things worse.” Maybe it didn’t strike him as a death threatening situation because he didn’t allow himself to go there and think of that possibility. Now the threat has become absolutely real and it’s impossible not to go there. Only, that’s not the only thing he thinks about these days.
“But yeah, I don’t like anybody else touching you… kissing you…” Stiles closes his eyes. “I’m sure this is stupid as hell but…” Stiles licks his lips before looking at Jackson’s questioning eyes. “I like to think that you’re mine, and I know how pathetic and possessive that sounds but when I saw you on the train, I used to think that whoever could have a boyfriend like you, would be the luckiest person out there, and I get to be that guy and I still feel that way—You make me feel special, okay? And I’m sorry but you married me. You did… and you shouldn’t have done it if you didn’t want me to have these feelings—So, sue me if I don’t want anybody else to feel that way with you… if I don’t want to share you.” Stiles looks away, avoiding Jackson’s gaze.
Jackson licks his lips and reaches out, touching Stiles’ chin so that he can turn his face until both their eyes finally meet.
“I get that…” Jackson nods. “And hell, I’d actually be upset if you didn’t care. But I swear to you, you’ve never shared a single part of me. There’s nothing that feels slightly real to me when I’m not with you, and they only see and feel what I want them to—And yeah, there’s training and it’s supposed to make it easier… and I’m good because I’ve always been able to adapt to any situation—To be whoever I have to be and do what I have to do but it’s never been… and since I met you, it’s been harder and maybe that’s why I finally told you that day when I came back—I guess I needed to get it out of my chest and feel better about it even if it meant nothing to me.” Obviously, it was selfish and Jackson knows that now.
Jackson gets up slightly, just enough so that he can press Stiles’ back to the back of the sofa and straddle his legs.
“Careful—Your leg,” Stiles says as his hands immediately rest on Jackson’s waist.
“I’m not gonna break,” Jackson says before finding Stiles’ lips, kissing him softly.
“I’m yours.” Jackson makes sure that Stiles’s eyes are focused on him before he continues. “Of course, I’m yours… It’s not stupid. That’s why fighting you on this is so hard. When I was captured and I didn’t know if I was living my last hours, you were everything I thought about. I thought you’d hate me for dying doing what I do instead of being close to you doing something safer… I hated that I might never see you… and touch you again,” Jackson says, keeping his hands around Stiles’s neck.
“I hated the fact that we never met before and didn’t get many years together.” Moisture pricks at the corners of his eyes before he can try to stop it. “And when my leg was killing me with excruciating pain, I thought about the day you followed me and changed our lives… because it always reminds me how crazy you are and it always makes me smile like an idiot.”
“It wasn’t that crazy—” Stiles tries to defend himself.
“It totally was. But that’s you. That’s my crazy husband who I love more than anything. So, it wasn’t the training, you know?” Jackson huffs a sigh and smiles. “Thinking about you is what gave me the strength I needed to resist everything. You’re my strength and my happiness, and therefore, I am yours. And I wish I could give up my job for you. A huge part of me really wants to give you that, but I’m not ready yet—I can’t tell you when I’m going to be... so I need you to give me some time, okay?”
“Okay,” Stiles nods, running his hands along Jackson’s back.
They gaze at each other, and Jackson feels that familiar want and desire well up inside him. He traces his thumb along Stiles’ cheekbone. “I love you." He leans closer, kissing Stiles’ neck, up along his jaw, and finally his mouth. “So much.”
Jackson closes his eyes, finding Stiles’ lips again. Everything becomes taste and sensation, need and excitement. It feels like always between them but also different and better now that everything is out in the open.
Stiles slides his hands under Jackson’s t-shirt, feeling the warmth of Jackson’s skin.
“I want to fuck you so fucking much right now,” Stiles says breathless, as their lips pull apart.
Jackson snorts, smiling and taking Stiles’s bottom lip between his teeth.
“I’m not stopping you, you know?” Jackson says after one more kiss, taking his t-shirt off.
“God, I love you,” Stiles grabs Jackson’s neck to kiss him again.