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When they first brought the body in, Bellamy had been off the clock and finishing up lunch. It had been Raven who had rushed to find him, her limp only hindering her somewhat as she pushed through to face him. It had been all he needed to drop his silverware with a clatter and take off through the halls.
His boots thudded against the floor in rhythm to his heartbeat.
Nausea choking him, clamminess taking over.
It couldn’t be her . It couldn’t be.
In the end it wasn’t. But that moment, racing through the cavernous hallways of Arkadia, haunted him. The spiraling feeling that had sent him dizzyingly stumbling into the medic quarters. Everyone’s eyes had flown to him, a knowing look of pain in their expressions. Abby, who he still wasn’t sure where he stood with, was the one who had the most understanding gaze. She’d wordlessly shaken her head and the air had escaped his lungs took it all out of him, slumping against the cold metal of the doorframe. Tendrils of blonde hair could barely be seen from the covered body behind Abby. She’d been a Grounder, mauled by some type of animal.
Even with that moment of relief though, Bellamy couldn’t shake the feeling that had so taken over him in those minutes of him crossing from the mess hall to medical.
He lived every day waiting for the inevitable. The day that he’d be told that they had found her body and that Clarke Griffin was truly dead.
The ghost of Clarke’s lips on his cheek from the day she left burned against his skin. He’d stare at himself in the cramped bathroom in his room, lights flickering. Hands gripping the sink tightly.
He wished she was there. Partly so he could yell at her that it’s not just her burden to hold. That he was there too and felt the warmth of her hand as they pulled the lever. That he feels death stalk him too to remind him of what he’s done, it’s not just her.
But also because he just needs to see her again.
To see the flash of blonde hair as he enters into a meeting, her clear strong voice advocating an idea. Providing a balance to the clashing viewpoints here as Pike and Kane begin to disagree on the direction for the camp in a way that unsettles him. It was hard to stay silent, unable to convey how much their time on the ground had changed him and the other delinquents. That he had stepped into the roles of a leader beside Clarke and that his opinion had value. He missed having her here so that they could be a unit again, so that he wasn’t floating around as simply a guard anymore. His purpose felt stronger with her by his side.
That space beside him was glaring though. The emptiness was obvious and everyone treated him with distance and respect. The type of absent way of how you treat someone after someone in their family had passed on. A loved on even, not that he could bring himself to imagine that word. Not now.
Acknowledging that Clarke was dead wasn’t something that he could allow himself to believe. No matter how much pity people looked at him with, no matter how much everyone else believed it. His fingers itched to go after her, as they had since the moment the heat of her body had drifted away from him on that day. But her plea to look after their people was the only thing that held him back from finding her.
Or maybe it was that small kernel of doubt, the paralyzing fear, of what he would find if he did.
The wind was bitter. Bellamy tightened his grip on his jacket, the heavy fabric of the guard’s uniform helping block the majority of the night air, but it wasn’t entirely escapable. He watched as his breath faded from view in small puffs in front of him.
Keeping watch was just routine at this point.
The Grounders and the Arkadians had settled into a somewhat stiff stalemate, the relief of Mount Weather being destroyed just strong enough to keep everyone at bay. Bellamy was too cautious to label it as peace – he’d seen too much on Earth so far to believe that. But it was enough, and his people felt safe. So the watch was performative at best, but allowed one extra layer of safety to the people sleeping behind him.
Which was how he almost missed the movement at the perimeter just ahead of him. A rustling in the trees too small to be some type of giant animal, too big to be simply a rabbit.
One fluid movement later and his gun was trained on the movement, an extension of his arm even after months of not needing it.
It made his jaw clench and his fingers were tight from the cold against the trigger.
He still couldn’t place how he felt about how natural it felt.
Looking through the scope though, he felt his breath yanked from his chest as he watched the movement in the underbrush turn into a figure.
It shouldn’t have been that easy for him to recognize her. And a part of him was petrified that he was imagining her, seeing what he wanted to see instead of what was really there. But even in the dark, even without the trademark blonde hair glowing in the perimeter’s lights, he knew.
He knew that the figure was Clarke.
Practically flinging himself down the grated metal stairs, Bellamy shouted for the guards beside him to hold their fire. It was probably for nothing, there was no indication that they had even seen her stumble out into the open. But he was risking nothing. Not when she was this close to him. His boots hit the ground hard once he reached the bottom and he took off through the gates, pushing past guards and sprinting towards her.
Clarke seemed to have picked up that it was him running, or maybe she was just thankful there was someone there, because she picked up her pace as well. Even as she nearly staggered in her gate, she hurried towards his open arms.
He nearly had to catch her as she sagged into his grip, exhaustion taking over her the second she didn’t need to hold herself up anymore and he prayed that she wasn’t injured.
Everything felt too fast as he heard guards quickly following him, as well as a voice that sounded like Abby’s. Someone else must have figured out who it was and alerted people inside. Clarke however seemed content to just remain drooped in his grasp, her face nuzzled into the crook of his neck as she tried to steady her labored breathing. He could almost feel her small hands gripping at his guard’s jacket, holding herself up to him as he cradled her.
All too soon, other hands were helping hoist her up onto a stretcher and she was getting carried back into the Ark. He almost fell behind, emotions cascading over him from even just the brief moment he held her, but he felt her hand trying to grab his as the stretcher moved past and he quickly fell forward to grasp it as they all moved inside.
Her eyes remained shut the whole time, even as she put into the med bay. It gave him a chance to look over her.
He was almost not sure how he realized it was her. Her usual blonde hair, longer than he remembered, was covered in some type of red dye. Skin roughened from the sun and new scars he didn’t remember.
He eventually pulled himself away as Abby helps look for any severe injury and he shakingly walked back to his room.
At some point Raven and Harper ran up to him and asked if it’s true, if Clarke is really back. Miller gave him a knowing look and a hug, followed by Jasper and Monty nearly sprinting to go see her. It felt hard to match their excitement. Not in the sense that he’s not happy she’s back, because truth be told he doesn’t think there’s a word to describe the sense of relief he’s experiencing. The burden that’s lifted off of his shoulders now that he knows that she’s alive. Maybe not alive and well , but she was back.
It was more that the emotions are too strong right now. His entire mind was trapped in that moment she fell into his arms and what it was like to know that she was really there.
He wouldn’t have been able to disguise it when she woke up. He wasn’t even sure what he would do once he looked back into those deep blue eyes of hers. If his resolve would crumble and he’d cry or confess something he wasn’t ready to admit even to himself.
So instead he holed himself up in his room for the night, allowing himself a smile before passing out in his bed. He didn’t even remember to take his shoes off.
A week went by and Bellamy wasn’t sure he’d seen the camp this abuzz with anything for a while.
Someone had heard that she’d been fighting Grounders off since she disappeared. Then it spread to her running her own village, which turned into a small army. Others said that she’d been hiding in a cave and only came out to eat when she needed.
At times some parts were believable, and then someone would add in some clearly fake detail and Bellamy would storm off in a huff.
Of course, he couldn’t necessarily clarify much of this with Clarke.
It wasn’t just him that was she being distant with, that was his main comforting thought.
He knew when she needed space. The first part of the week she’d been trapped in med bay and while he’d briefly stopped in, he knew to let her be there. And now that she was out, she was still almost a ghost inside the Ark.
Bellamy had never let himself picture what it would be like to have Clarke back. Just as bad as imagining her death was imagining her alive. So it was easy to find a level of contentedness with her presence in the Ark, even if overdone rumors circled around her and followed her day to day. They made his teeth grind but they also were constant reminders that she was really home.
But if there was one thing that could change people’s conversations, it was a party. And in this case, the celebration of a couple from Farm Station announcing their intention to get married.
Bellamy had almost laughed when he heard it, still adjusting to the idea that they were actually back to just living here now. That life wasn’t just about fighting to survive anymore and that people’s lives were going to carry on. That if the Arkadians wanted to keep going, lives and families would have to go on and be created. But in the end, he was most thankful that the conversation turned from Clarke and everyone was distracted.
The party itself did seem fun. Gina had pulled out all the stops at the bar and everyone seemed truly happy that night. He’d let Jasper pull him onto the dance floor for only a brief moment before escaping back to the depths of the room.
Checking his watch, he let out a groan, shaking his hair and stretching as he pushed himself off of the wall. He’d stayed as long as he had promised, leaving Miller satisfied enough that his friend wasn’t always hiding himself away.
Not like Clarke .
The thought popped into his mind on its own and he felt guilty. He didn’t blame Clarke for hiding away from everyone. From the stares of their people, the ones who had come down later from the Ark, questioning the history of what had happened prior and her role in it. Abby, fretting constantly about her. Kane, too hesitant to include her in the political planning just like he did with Bellamy, further driving her into isolation.
They used the excuse that she was still weak from her time in the woods. She’d nearly thrown up instantly trying to eat food at dinner and Abby had explained to him that it was from her scarce, and nearly raw, diet. Bellamy had tried to not cry or pound the floor with his anger that she had been pushed to those limits, that what she’d gone through at the Mountain thanks to failed treaties had done to her. He hadn’t though. Instead he’d held back Clarke’s hair and whispered encouraging words to help her relax after the nausea subsided.
But with Clarke now taking to disappearing, he’d found himself withdrawing as well. He spent more time at the shooting range, intensely focused on improving the younger members of the guard. He didn’t dare practice for himself – he didn’t need it and he knew he’d just waste bullets in his turmoil of emotions.
It hadn’t been a surprise tonight to not see her at the party.
It had stung all the same though.
A copy of The Odyssey back in his room was calling his name regardless, so he was still relieved to leave the party either way. He’d do anything to distract himself.
He hadn’t made it far down the hall though when he heard something. It was faint, but distinctly the sound of someone crying in what appeared to be one of the supply closets. He swallowed deeply. He certainly had his fair share of knowing what the sound of muffled crying through metal sounded like after growing up having to hide Octavia.
Cautiously stepping forward, he knocked hesitantly on the door before slowly opening it. The hinges squeaked as he pulled it partially open, revealing the very person who had been occupying his mind all night.
Clarke wiped at her face quickly, giving him a watery smile. Of course she didn’t want to show any weakness, even to him.
“Hey,” she mumbled.
“Mind if I join you?” Bellamy couldn’t help but ask, a half-smile quirking onto his face. The closet was hardly meant for one person, let alone two. Clarke nodded her head, her hair slipping out of the one long braid it had been pulled into and masking part of her face.
He didn’t miss the sight of tears welling up again in her eyes though.
Easing himself into the closet, he carefully shut the door behind himself and knelt to the ground so that he was level with Clarke. Tentatively, he reached out and grasped her hands in his. Gently, cautiously. The calluses of his scraped against hers and he once again fought to imagine what all she had gone through during that time all alone. What she had needed to do to in order to survive.
The closet was small, and the crouch that he had put himself in was far from comfortable. But the way Clarke relaxed into his grip, her body instinctively leaning in towards his, erased all of the discomfort from his joints. He could stay there as long as she needed him.
“It never leaves,” she mumbled and his eyes searched her face for meaning. When he remained silent, she nodded towards their hands.
“The blood.” Her voice was monotone now. “I can’t get rid of it no matter how hard I try to get rid of it. I look down and I see it all over me. Ever since we first landed on Earth.”
In another life, Bellamy would have considered making a reference about MacBeth , an echo of that moment outside the dropship all that time ago and quoting Oppenheimer. He held it instead, swallowing words back down as he briefly wondered if there would be a day that he and Clarke could exchange a rapport that didn’t swirl around despair. Maybe in another life they could have been students throwing literary and historical references at each other.
But they weren’t. So instead, he tightened his grip on her hands, weaving his fingers between hers.
These were the most words she’d spoken that he had heard since she returned.
More tears began to track down her cheeks and he let one hand drift up and brush them away. Her face turned into his palm and he let his thumb rub softly against the softness of her cheek. She didn’t seem to want to say much more, so he let her settle into herself. The tears slowed down and the blotchiness in her skin dissipated.
He wasn’t sure how long they sat there; he legs had lost feeling early on into the crouch. But eventually Clarke seemed more composed and back to herself.
“I think I need to get fresh air, take a walk or something,” Clarke mumbled, rubbing her face as if to remove any evidence of being upset.
Bellamy’s heart lurched, flashes of her walking away from him all those months ago. He couldn’t watch her go again, not like this.
But his fears were quelled as her hand shakingly reached for his again, her finger tips cold as they sought out their goal, lacing back into his again. It had only been a moment of them apart, but Bellamy almost couldn’t stop the sigh of relief at the grounding touch of her, of knowing that she was alive.
“Will you come with me?”
The request was asked softly, as if she was afraid he’d say no. And maybe she was thinking about that day too. The way the sun’s rays had warmed their bodies after being trapped in the artificial air of the Mountain, grass crunching underneath their feet. Maybe she was worried that the moment they had, however brief, had been a goodbye between the two of them. An end to a chapter that neither of them could describe.
None of that mattered to Bellamy though. The heartache he’d been recovering from all of this time seemed to heal the longer he was back around her. They’d gone to the ends of the earth for each other, that wasn’t going to stop now.
A gentle nod later and the two of them slipped through the walls of Arkadia, the party the perfect distraction from their disappearance. It wasn’t not forbidden to leave during this peace time, but he knows that Kane would frown and Abby would cling to her daughter. It was a natural reaction, hell as if Bellamy wasn’t doing the very same, but he had seen the suffocated look that Clarke had as she was forced to remain inside. To be treated like she was fragile, in danger. So they kept their footsteps light and he used his body to mask her smaller frame as they snuck past the occasional person and into the night air.
The deeper they went, the more the dampness of the night gave way to a soft mist. Bellamy could hear far off crickets, the last of them before Arkadia completely plunges into late fall. The flashlight that they had grabbed cast a golden light in front of them, a more cool-toned one from the moon highlighting the nature to their side that fell outside of the beam, showing in pockets as they moved underneath the tree canopy.
At first it had felt like general wandering, their feet leading the way mindlessly. They moved together side by side.
Eventually the winding path through the trees began to look familiar and Bellamy realized that they were heading towards a lake. It was tucked back in the rising hills, near caverns that they had discovered one day on a hunting trip. Though he’s positive he had never come here with Clarke before. She must have come here while she was living on her own. It gave him goosebumps to imagine being so close and still connected to her without even realizing it.
Sure enough, not long after he comes to the realization, the trees open up to the clearing of the still water.
The moon’s reflection just barely made it onto the lake, tiny ripples from the occasional bug the only movement in it. They slowly made their way closer to it, stepping from the dirt onto the bed of rocks that bordered the water. Once they had found a flat spot to stand, Bellamy clicked the flashlight off and plunged the two of them into the darkness of the night. A deep, inky blue took over the landscape around them as his eyes adjusted, though the cloudless sky helped gently lift the shadows around them. He wasn’t even sure what time it was.
“It’s peaceful here. Quiet. I spent a lot of mornings here trying to remember who I was,” Clarke explained, her voice breaking into the night as she slowly looking up towards Bellamy out of the corner of her eye.
He nodded and the two of them fell silent.
It was a loaded silence though, one that left him anxious and twitchy. The lake was peaceful, beautiful. But he knew Clarke. Knew that he would have to coax the story from her to help take the weight off of her, of what she had gone through. He could feel the words simmering at the surface in her, on the edge of her tongue.
“You can always talk to me, Clarke. I was there with you. We both pulled the lever.” He took a deep breath. “It’s not yours to bear alone. Please, let me be here for you.”
He wasn’t sure if he imagined his voice cracking or not. He needed her to know that she didn’t have to martyr herself over this. He’d taken responsibility with her.
They’d made the decision together.
Clarke nodded slowly, her bottom lip quivering and he knew he was remembering the weight of his hand against hers as they pulled the lever back. As they made one of the hardest decisions they’d had to make since landing on Earth.
“I was mainly alone during those few months. Occasionally catching up with one woman, a Grounder who owned a trading post. But otherwise I kept to myself.”
Despite the emotional reaction, her voice was steady.
“But it didn’t matter what I did. I couldn’t run far enough from myself and what I had done. I saw their faces every day. I couldn’t erase their blood from my hands. But I was so… so ashamed of what I had done I couldn’t admit defeat. I couldn’t come back.”
“So why did you? Why now?” Bellamy murmured the question, his eyes glued to her profile.
“The Grounders became too many. Even with my hair a different color, they recognized me. I couldn’t escape them.”
She didn’t even wait to notice the confusion on Bellamy’s face.
“I couldn’t stay out there anymore. I couldn’t be a monster. Not for their taking.” She was almost rambling now as the words fall out faster and faster. “I wasn’t a prize to be taken, there’s nothing special about me. I’m not what they think I am, I’m not Wanheda .”
She spat out the last word, her boot kicking against one of the rocks.
Bellamy wracked his brain to translate the word. Trigedasleng still wasn’t something he had picked up yet, very few people on the Ark being interested and Octavia too busy running off with Lincoln to try to teach him any.
“What does that mean?” He asked, his eyes taking in the fury that broken through Clarke’s previously stony expression. It was simmering inside her.
She remained silent, though clearly having had heard him. Her jaw clenched and her eyes flicked towards him and then back to the water in front of them.
“Clarke.” His voice came out stronger, more commanding, than he had intended. But this was clearly something important, something crucial to her time away from them. From him. If he had any ideas of helping get through to her, helping bring her back to him and to herself, he had to know what had happened. What all had changed for her.
Her arms were crossed uncomfortably in front of her chest, once again bringing up that wall that they used to not have between each other. But just when he thought she wasn’t going to expand on it, she sighed and lowered her arms. Her hands flexed anxiously.
“It means Commander of Death.”
The only thing that could rival the bitterness in Clarke’s voice was the flare up of anger that coursed through Bellamy.
“Why?” He asked hoarsely.
She closed her eyes and took a steadying breath.
“From what happened at the Mountain. We took it down, and even though you––” her voice shook , “––were there with me, bearing half of the decision, they only saw me. I had been the one Lexa defied and I was the one to come out. To have killed that many people… I guess it made me more powerful than anyone. And the Grounders believe that if you kill someone, you get their powers. I had a bounty on my head nearly the minute I left camp that day.”
Clarke slowly lowered herself to the ground, sitting down on the rocky terrain below them. Bellamy followed suit, his hands balancing himself against the gritty texture and feeling where slick moss was so as not to slip down. In the process, his fingers brushed against Clarke’s and he went to pull away, but her hand was faster.
She gripped it tightly, as if to remind herself that she was still there, even as the far-away look in her eyes showed the darkness of the memories she was reliving.
“And it became too much. Not only could I not run from myself, but anyone I saw already had an image of me branded into their mind. The Commander of Death, a nightmare and a prize all in one.”
“Are you in danger out here? Do we need to head back?”
She shook her head.
“I don’t know. I don’t think so, at least not right now. Not with you beside me.” A small smile emerged. “I trust you with my life.”
His heart fluttered, first from the anxiousness of worrying about her followed by the knowledge of how much she trusted him. A far cry from their first days down here.
“I couldn’t fix myself out there, and I couldn’t escape what the saw me as, so I knew it was time to come home.”
The way she said home made Bellamy’s heart ache and he knew he had to let her know how much having her back meant to him. He couldn’t let her think that her return was for nothing.
“Please, please don’t leave again,” Bellamy pleaded suddenly, turning to face her. “I know all of this has been horrible for you, I’ll never understand how you can bear it all, but please.”
She shifted and looked over at him, her eyes shining with unshed tears.
“I need you,” he whispered when she was silent, hardly able to believe that he had choked the words out. “I need you to stay.”
Of all of the potential reactions he could have assumed would happen, Clarke launching herself at him wasn’t necessarily one of them. She burrowed into his arms, wrapping herself tightly around him. His arms immediately circled her and he rested his cheek on her head, letting her hair tickle his face as he instinctively nuzzled it. Touch had been rare to them when they had first landed, only slowly increasing since she’d first escaped Mount Weather.
Since she was back though, he was dizzy with how much contact they made with each other.
“I promise I’m not going anywhere, not again,” she said, her voice muffled into his jacket.
His hands tangled themselves into her hair, and even with the odd position they were sitting in, he didn’t dare even breathe the wrong way. He would sit like this for however long he could.
The silence now felt more peaceful. His stomach clenched at now knowing what had driven her back, the horrors she had been living with, but she was home now. But if she felt safe, and he knew he could protect her, then it was going to be okay.
They slowly pulled apart, though she remained close to him. Her leg pressed up against his and his hand supported him sitting up, planted just behind her back so that he kept her close in. They let the nature around them do most of the talking, occasionally slipping in a comment about Pike’s politics or what their first winter was going to be like here. Everything they spoke about had a weight to it of how it could be geared towards a better future. They didn’t talk about the bounty on her head. For now, they were just Bellamy and Clarke again.
Something had shifted between them though. He couldn’t name it. But the lightness he felt with her back seemed to have finally spread to Clarke, her eyes a little brighter and the tension disappearing from her shoulders.
Hazy light eventually started to appear on the horizon, the color lifting just barely as the sky indicted how long they had been sitting there. Bellamy tried to disguise the yawn that escaped him but Clarke caught it with a teasing smile, nudging him with her shoulder.
“We don’t have to go back yet,” he quickly said. He wasn’t ready to end the spell of whatever it was that was happening here.
“Can we stay and watch the sunrise?” Clarke asked, her voice soft and almost breathless as she turned to look out around them before returning her gaze to Bellamy.
He knew the camp would be quiet this morning, after no doubt a long night of revelry. That gave the two of them more time to get back without being noticed, something he’d like to avoid. Clarke needed this. A moment to herself that was free from all of the stress and pressure of being back at Arkadia. A place where she wasn’t Wanheda, where she could just be Clarke Griffin again.
So he nodded, opening up his arm towards her once again. She immediately scooted herself over and nestled against him.
Her ribcage slowly expanded underneath his hand as she breathed and Bellamy didn’t even try to stop himself from gently dropping a small kiss on the top of her head. His fingers slowly carded through her hair as they watched the gradient of colors in the sky shift upwards. Every movement she had filled him with hope, his body picking up the tiniest of twitches and breathes. He’d never been so hyper aware of someone’s being and what it meant for them to be alive. The overwhelmingness he had felt earlier was giving way to a more concrete feeling, of what she meant to him.
Glancing at her out of the corner of his eye, he smiled to himself. He would wait to tell her though. Not now. They’d have this moment and infinitely many more to come.
As long as he had her by his side, they’d be able to conquer anything together.