Archive of Our Own

i fell in love with you the only way i know.

i went for many miles until i couldn't go.

concerned, but anyways,

i didn't even know about you and me.

i made a guess about your craziness and, no,

i didn't think about how many boys you've been with before.

concerned, but anyways,

i love everything about you.

- kishi bashi, philosophize with it! chemicalize with it! 

~ ☆

The first time Tadashi’s heart beats so loud it drowns out the world around him, he’s eating dinner at the Tsukishima household and Akiteru just smiled at him and it’s embarrassing.

He doesn’t really get it, at the beginning. He thinks it’s just nervousness; Akiteru and Tsukishima stopped talking, and even though Tadashi was disappointed when he found out, it doesn’t mean he started hating Akiteru. But Tsukishima is still his best friend, and he only sees him when he’s with Tsukishima, so maybe Akiteru thinks he is picking sides, or maybe if Tsukishima sees him talking to him he’ll think he’s siding against him, and…

Something like that. But it’s a really stupid thought, since he’s known the two of them for a long time and they’re not childish like that.

It’s just. Tadashi wishes it was nervousness, because it’s easier to rationalize than… it’s the first time in a long time that Akiteru’s visited from university and he’s larger than he remembered or maybe he just grew and – did his voice always ring so nicely in his ears like that? Did him smiling at Tadashi always feel like being stared down by the sun?

Tadashi’s always knows a little bit about this kind of feeling; he’s seen all the movies about it, watched dramas with his mother, and even though a part of him thought it was nice, it also kind of eluded him, why people went so crazy about it. Still, even though Tadashi never really yearned for it or anything – the only thing Tadashi’s really ever yearned for on television is being the black Power Ranger – maybe there’s something nice about it, finally getting to feel it.

But then again, Akiteru’s trying to make small talk with him right now and the inside of Tadashi’s chest is about to implode, so. Tadashi isn’t really sure.

“Thanks for dinner,” Tsukishima suddenly says, voice detached the way it always is when Akiteru is in the room. He stands up to bring his plate to the sink, and the screech of the chair cuts into the awkward conversation Tadashi didn’t realize he was tuning out.

“So, how is school, Tadashi? You never answered Akiteru,” Tsukishima’s mom says once he’s cleared the kitchen. “I hope Kei’s not giving you any trouble.”

“Oh, uh, of course not! I think it’s the other way around, actually…” Tadashi says, rubbing the back of his neck and smiling sheepishly at them.

“Believe me, if that kid was annoyed with you, you’d know it,” Akiteru replies, laughing to himself before he realizes what he was saying and the atmosphere in the room changes. Tsukishima’s mother lets out a short laugh that’s obviously forced.

“Y-Yeah,” Tadashi says, probably too joylessly. It’s kind of uncomfortable here now, even worse than it was when Tsukishima just got up and walked out. Tadashi isn’t sure he’d be able to stomach any more food, anyway, with the weird atmosphere and the way it feels when Akiteru looks at him, so he puts his chopsticks down and starts to stand up. “He’s probably waiting for me, so—”

“Tadashi, wait!” Akiteru says, and he’s standing up, too, hand outstretched to rest on Tadashi’s shoulder. His touch is sudden and electric, and Tadashi shivers. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“Oh,” Tadashi says, almost breathless. He has to force himself not to look at Akiteru’s arm, but it’s kind of hard to look at his face, too, and—

“Wait for me in the backyard, okay? I’ll be out in a minute.” Tadashi nods, and Akiteru smiles, and suddenly it’s too hard to look at so he looks at the floor. “Thanks.”

Akiteru doesn’t need to thank him, Tadashi thinks, especially just for talking, plus the fact that he’s known him for ages (but he only started feeling like this now – that’s unrelated), but he can’t bring himself to talk so he makes his way to the yard without saying anything.

Tadashi passes Tsukishima’s room on the way there, and without really thinking about it, he stops walking and peeks through the door. Tsukishima left it half-open, probably so Tadashi wouldn’t think he was in a mood.

Tsukishima’s leaning against the side of his bed, sitting cross-legged on the floor, reading the boring science magazine he kept getting irritated with Tadashi about because he kept talking while he was flipping through it and distracting him. It’s nice he’s not stewing about Akiteru being over.

“Why are you just standing there, Yamaguchi?” Tsukishima asks, and Tadashi almost jumps out of his bones. “You’re being creepy.”

Thinking back on it, he should’ve known Tsukishima would notice, the way he’s been staring, but Tsukishima wasn’t facing the door, so he thought he was safe. He guesses you’re never really safe, when it comes to Tsukishima. He’s kind of like Tadashi’s mom like that, eyes in the back of his head.

It’s worse on the volleyball court, at least.

“Oh, I, uh… wanted to let you know I’ll still be a little while. I have to…” Ah. He shouldn’t have said that. Tsukishima’s not childish enough to be mad he’s talking to Akiteru, but that doesn’t mean he wants to bring him up to him. “…use the bathroom.”

Tsukishima sighs. “You don’t have to tell me that.”

If Tsukishima doesn’t believe him, he doesn’t care enough to say so. Tadashi laughs. “I just didn’t want you to worry, Tsukki!”

Tadashi closes the door as he leaves because he knows Tsukishima prefers it that way, and when finally goes out to the yard, the crisp autumn air stings a little bit. Talking to Tsukishima kind of helped calm his nerves, but sitting here alone and just waiting is undoing all of that pretty quickly.

Akiteru was really urgent about wanting to talk to him, and he didn’t want to say whatever he’s going to say in front of Tsukishima’s mom. Akiteru’s probably not mad at him or anything, because Tadashi’s pretty sure Tsukishima’s the only one in their family who gets mad, but Tadashi can’t help being a little on edge.

Finally, he hears the sound of footsteps behind him and Akiteru’s laugh. “I almost didn’t see you there,” he says, sitting next to him. Tadashi swears he’s giving off some kind of warmth.

“What, um— What did you want to talk to me about?”

“Right down to business, huh,” Akiteru says, a little bit of humor in his voice, maybe forced. “You don’t have to be nervous, Tadashi. It’s just me.”

Just Akiteru – saying that doesn’t seem right. Even if he has known him for years. At first he was Akiteru, the guy who’s so cool Tsukishima thinks he’s cool, and then he was Tsukishima’s enemy and Tadashi wasn’t sure if he had to be careful around him, and now he’s… making Tadashi’s heart beat so loud he can barely hear his own thoughts.

Embarrassing. Tadashi’s glad he’s sitting next to him so he doesn’t have to look at him.

“I’m not nervous,” Tadashi says, but his voice is too shaky. Akiteru’s nice enough to not call him out on it, just chuckles lightly.

They’re silent for a minute, and Tadashi’s about to ask Akiteru why he asked to talk to him again when Akiteru asks, “How’s Kei?”

It’s just two words, but they’re enough that Tadashi’s nervousness around Akiteru about his smile and his arms and the way he says his name instantly disappears.

Tsukishima. It’s… kind of sad. But of course he’d ask about Tsukishima, thinking about it now. Tadashi doesn’t know when the last time the two of them talked is.

“He’s okay. He’s been getting nicer, actually! Last week he went with me to the movie theater so I could watch Godzilla and he only complained a little bit,” Tadashi says. He didn’t make fun of him every time he got scared, too. But he doesn’t want to bring that up to Akiteru.

“Nicer?” Akiteru asks, and there’s a concern in his voice that makes Tadashi feel a little happy. Tadashi’s known a long time Akiteru cares about him, but hearing it now is kind of… “Was he being mean to you?”

Oh. Tadashi doesn’t really want to talk about this. He shouldn’t have brought it up. “No, he wasn’t! He’s my best friend.”

And he was really upset, and he wanted to push Tadashi away so he didn’t have to see him like that, but he was also really bad at it, so… Plus Tsukishima is his best friend, and he’s Tadashi! So he won’t be pushed away so easily. But he doesn’t think it’d be a good idea, to remind Akiteru how upset he was.

“It was just… since he’s Tsukki. You know,” Tadashi says. He rubs the back of his neck. “But he’s gotten over it now! Since we saw that movie, and a lot of other things, too.”

“Hm,” Akiteru says, and then he ruffles Tadashi’s hair suddenly, laughing when he yelps. “Sorry. You’re a good kid, Tadashi. Take care of yourself, okay? He’s not talking to me, but I can still beat him up if he’s not being a good friend.”

Tadashi knows he’s joking, but the forced cheerfulness in the things Akiteru is saying rubs him the wrong way. Or… There are a lot of things Tadashi feels right now, but he doesn’t really want to put them into words. A silence settles over them.

“Kei’s really doing okay?” Akiteru asks, his voice so strange Tadashi can barely recognize it. “You’re not saying that to make me feel better?”

Of course he’s not, Tadashi wants to say, but it’s true he’s changed the truth, a little. But… “He is doing okay,” Tadashi says. “He’s more motivated in volleyball club, too. Not as much as before, but… Tsukki’s really good even when he’s not that motivated, so!”

“Thank you for telling me,” Akiteru says, and for a while, Tadashi isn’t sure what to say. Silence falls again, and then he says, “By the way. ‘Tsukki’? You’re not calling him Kei anymore?”

“Oh, uh, yeah. It’ll be kind of weird if we’re still calling each other by our first names by high school! So we started now,” Tadashi says. “He calls me Yamaguchi, too.”

That was Tsukishima’s idea, back when he was being difficult. Or more like – he suddenly started calling Tadashi by his last name and only told him why when Tadashi asked.

We’re too old for me to still call you by your first name.

He isn’t sure what Tsukishima was trying to do with that one. It’s why Tadashi says things like Tsukishima isn’t good at pushing people away. Like maybe Tadashi would take something as simple as calling him something else so personally he’d think they weren’t really friends anymore, or something. But he’s not that sensitive, and it’s also kind of weird.

Plus, it worked out, because it’s fun to have someone call him Yamaguchi, like he’s already grown up, and he thinks it’s a lot more fun to call him Tsukki than Kei. And maybe Tsukishima acted a little annoyed the first time he called him that, but he still answers to it, so he thinks Tsukishima’s starting to like it a little, too.

“Tsukki. That’s cute. It would be nice if someone called me Tsukki,” Akiteru says, but he’s laughing while he says it. Tadashi feels his cheeks heat up. “You guys are growing up fast, aren’t you?”

The question is thin and wistful, not really directed at him or even meant to be answered, and the atmosphere between them changes again. Tadashi exhales.

“Maybe it’s too late for it now,” Akiteru says, his voice still strange, “but I never apologized to you, huh, Tadashi? For lying. Sorry. You must have been disappointed.”

The apology really might be too late. Tadashi can barely remember how he felt when he found out Akiteru was lying because of how quickly it was eclipsed by how Tsukishima felt when he found out Akiteru was lying.

Still… if Tadashi was ever mad, he definitely isn’t now.

“It’s, ah… It’s okay. Actually, I looked up to Tsukki more than I looked up to you, so I didn’t really mind!”

“Is that right?” Akiteru asks, nudging him in the arm, and even though he’s been trying to ignore it, Tadashi’s heart leaps through his chest.

But it is right, also. Tadashi remembers, a little. Akiteru was only really cool because of the way Tsukishima looked when he talked about him, and so when Tsukishima didn’t think he was cool anymore, Tadashi just… stopped thinking about him like that.

But even though he isn’t a super cool hero anymore, he’s still a person who’s always been nice to him. And that counts for a lot, Tadashi thinks.

“It’s okay if you were upset with me,” Akiteru says after Tadashi forgets to answer. “You don’t have to lie to make me feel better.”

“I really wasn’t!” Tadashi insists. “Actually, I…”

Tadashi bites the bottom of his lip. It’s something Tadashi’s thought to himself sometimes, but he’s never wanted to say it out loud because it’s the kind of thought that might make Tsukishima hate him.

But he’s alone with Akiteru now, and Tadashi knows he’s upset, as much as he tries to laugh it off. And… Akiteru would understand, and they’re maybe the words he needs to hear.

“I kind of understand, why you lied. Since Tsukki’s my best friend and I’ve always thought he’s really cool. So if he thought I was cool the way he thought about you, and I was afraid he might not think about me that way anymore… I might have lied to him, too.” Tadashi swallows, and then rubs the back of his neck. “I guess I’m lucky doesn’t feel like that about me, huh?”

Akiteru looks at him then, really looks at him, and it feels like he’s seeing straight into his soul. Tadashi thinks he’s about to overheat when Akiteru’s arm stretches out, and he pulls Tadashi into his chest, like a half-hug.

And then Tadashi realizes that Akiteru smells a little bit like curry, and also his chest is very solid, and then he overheats.

After a while, Akiteru stops squeezing him too hard and Tadashi scrambles out of his arms because he’s afraid of what might happen if he stays there longer. “You’re a good kid, Tadashi. Thank you for taking care of Kei. I’m glad you’re his best friend.”

Tadashi is glad Tsukishima is his best friend, too, but he hasn’t really found his voice yet.

“You know, I… I always thought Kei would forgive me sooner or later, but it’s already been a long time,” Akiteru admits, not looking at Tadashi.

All the manic energy from Akiteru’s spontaneous hug has already disappeared, and it’s quiet again, except for the sound of Tadashi’s heartbeat vibrating through his eardrums. Tadashi takes a deep breath and tries to quiet it down, because he knows Akiteru’s trying to be serious with him and he can’t get distracted by whatever feeling is in his chest.

Tadashi thinks of Tsukishima, alone in his room, and the throbbing ringing in his ears quiets.

“I probably would’ve asked you for this even if he forgave me. It’s hard to keep an eye on him from university. So I wanted to ask you to!”

Akiteru reaches over to put his hand on Tadashi’s shoulder, and he grins at him, different from all the forced smiles he’d flashed him at dinner. It splits his face from ear to ear and knocks the breath out of Tadashi’s chest. Tadashi hopes to himself that the light from the house doesn’t give away the shade of pink he’s sure his face turned.

Akiteru laughs lightly, relaxing his expression, and Tadashi steadies his breathing. “Well… I guess I never really needed to ask. You’ve been keeping an eye on him already, right?”

“Of course!” Tadashi says, too loudly. “Well, uh, since he’s my friend, he keeps an eye on me, too! He’s been keeping an eye on me since we were little! So it’s not like I’m really… doing anything special. Because he’s my friend.”

Akiteru looks at him strangely, like maybe he’s about to hug him again, and Tadashi braces himself, but instead he just smiles a little bit softer than before – Tadashi’s heart skips a beat – and says, “Then you can promise me, right? You’ll take care of him?”

“Y-Yeah!” Tadashi says, and Akiteru thumps him in the back, too hard.

“He’s a difficult kid. You don’t have to do it all alone. Talk to me if you need to, okay? Or Mom,” Akiteru says. “And thanks.”

“You don’t… You don’t have to thank me,” Tadashi says. “Since he’s my friend!”

“He is, huh?” Tadashi nods without looking and him, and neither of them speak for a while. Finally, Akiteru lets out an exhausted laugh. “Well, I’m gonna go back to the kitchen and help Mom clean up. You should go keep an eye on Kei, since you promised.”

He sings the last word, like he’s joking, but his tone is enough to make Tadashi feel embarrassed. “Oh, uh, okay!”

“And Tadashi, what you said before, about Kei not thinking you’re cool… You shouldn’t sell yourself short! I bet Kei thinks about you like that without you even having to lie.”

Tadashi’s okay knowing Tsukishima doesn’t think he’s cool as long as he’s his friend. Still, it’s nice of Akiteru to pretend like that, so Tadashi moves to look at Akiteru so he can say thank you—

“I mean, that’s how I think about you!” Akiteru says, flashing him a grin.

With that, Akiteru ruffles Tadashi’s hair just for a second, then gets up and leaves Tadashi to deal with the overwhelming heat in his face by himself.

After a while – Tadashi tried to calm down but didn’t really succeed – he gets up and wanders into Tsukishima’s bedroom, a little lightheaded. Tsukishima must know something is up with Tadashi, but all he says when he comes in is, “You took a while.”

“Y-Yeah,” Tadashi says, scooting to sit next to Tsukishima and look over his shoulder. He’s playing a video game now on his DS, an RPG that Tadashi also bought a while ago. Tadashi’s is in his bag, so he could play, too, but he still feels kind of overwhelmed, so he puts it off for later.

Five minutes or maybe ten minutes pass, Tadashi just watching him, his mind maybe or maybe not still lingering over how Akiteru said he was cool, and then Tsukishima says, “You’re quiet, Yamaguchi. Did something happen?”

Tadashi shakes his head, still half-tuning out Tsukishima with everything swimming in his head. Tsukishima sighs.

“What were you talking to Akiteru about?”

At the mention of Akiteru’s name, Tadashi snaps back into himself. For a second, he gets worried Tsukishima knows he lied to him, but he remembers that he’s the one who left Tadashi with Akiteru and his mom in the kitchen. “At dinner? He just asked me how school is. I didn’t really stay that long after you left me there.”

Tadashi frowns exaggeratedly at Tsukishima, hoping he’ll get caught up in playing at being annoyed at Tadashi for making fun of him and forget about Akiteru. But after he sighs the way he always does, Tsukishima says, “I know you weren’t in the bathroom, Yamaguchi. You don’t have to lie to me about talking to my brother.”

“You checked?” Tadashi asks, a little bit scandalized.

Not really that Tsukishima didn’t believe him, because even he has to admit maybe he’s been acting a little strange, and maybe it is actually because of Akiteru, but that he was so suspicious Tsukishima took the time to check on him… He must have gotten worried.

Usually Tadashi doesn’t have problems telling white lies to make other people happier, but if he kind of feels bad if he made Tsukishima feel like that.

But maybe Tsukishima sees something in Tadashi’s face, because he shakes his head the way he does when he thinks Tadashi’s being stupid and says, “I had to pee, idiot.”

“Oh!” Actually, Tadashi should have thought of that, but Akiteru’s been making his head weird all day. He rubs the back of his neck. “Sorry for lying, Tsukki.”

“Mm,” Tsukishima says, which is about as close to forgiveness he gets, Tadashi thinks. It’s good they were able to settle it so quickly.

Tadashi’s head feels a little clearer now. There’s something grounding about spending time with Tsukishima, like how it’s easier to do something you’re nervous about if you’re wearing your favorite sweatshirt because of how familiar it feels.

That really fits for Tsukishima, actually, thinking about it now. Thinking about him like his favorite sweater. Because he means so much to him he definitely won’t throw him out so easily. When Tadashi falls off his bike and his sweater gets torn up around the elbow, he’ll just patch it up instead of getting rid of it, and when Tsukishima tries to make him stop talking to him by doing something as lazy as calling him a coward (and he really should know better, because he used to get called that every day, so he barely minds it now), he’ll just laugh it off and make fun of him for being so prickly. Because that’s how much he likes him.

It’s funny Akiteru had to take Tadashi aside to ask him to take care of Tsukishima. Because Tsukishima is Tsukishima, and if anyone got as close to Tsukishima as Yamaguchi is, they would take care of him, too.

That’s the kind of person Tsukishima is: really cool, and a good friend, and someone you don’t want to see get upset because it’s more fun when he’s happy. Because he’s the kind of guy who acts like he’s mean but scares all the bullies away from you and lets you hang around him all the time because you don’t want to be alone. So of course Tadashi is doing what he’s doing. It’s not even hard, and anyone else would, too.

“You’re still being quiet,” Tsukishima points out. “What did Akiteru say that upset you so much?”

Akiteru’s name is enough to jolt Tadashi out of his train of thought, and the excuse comes out of him so quickly it’s like a reflex. “I’m, uh— I’m not upset! Just, school was really exhausting today, so I’m not really… in the mood to talk,” Tadashi says, the excuse coming so quickly it’s like a reflex.

“You’re a bad liar, Yamaguchi.”

The words make Tadashi’s blood pressure spike, just a little, but it’s not guilt or anything. Tadashi knows he hasn’t done anything wrong, it’s just…

Even if usually, Tadashi wouldn’t mind telling him about what he’s been thinking, how cool Tsukishima is (because it flusters him a little sometimes, which Tadashi really likes, and it’s not really embarrassing to say things that are true like that), what Tsukishima is asking about isn’t really what Tadashi’s been thinking. It’s not the reason Tsukishima thinks he’s upset.

What Tsukishima is asking him about is what Akiteru said to him. And even though it’d be funny to tell Tsukishima he was going to take care of him from now on, Tadashi knows it was hard for Akiteru to say those things to him.

Tadashi thinks he understands that the most out of anybody. Because it’s Tsukishima. So he’d never sell him out like that.

But if Tadashi doesn’t tell Tsukishima what he said, maybe Tsukishima will think he’s siding with Akiteru over him, even if Tadashi isn’t really siding with anybody, but he isn’t even sure if that’s true because he actually really does wish Tsukishima would just talk to Akiteru again, even if he’d never tell him—

There’s a light shove on Tadashi’s shoulder, and when he comes out of his thoughts, Tsukishima is scowling at him, but not at the way he scowls at other people, just the Why are you like this? look he used to give Tadashi when he was too scared to talk to people he didn’t know.

“It’s fine if you don’t want to tell me,” Tsukishima says, and his tone is genuine and he’s not trying to guilt him into telling him what happened even though if he was, he’d really be succeeding. “I understand. Just stop acting so strange already.”

“I’m, uh—” I’m not acting strange. Tadashi already tried that. It would just make Tsukishima more irritated with him. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you! Actually, what he told me was— Uh, what happened was—”

“Tadashi-kun, it’s fine—”

“I told him I like him!”

The words go straight for Tadashi’s mouth, bypassing his brain completely, and when Tadashi thinks about it, maybe it is the answer Tsukishima was looking for, why he’s been acting so weird, but— He just found out, and he didn’t want to tell anyone, and now he’s told Tsukishima, who isn’t even talking to Akiteru—

“What?” Tsukishima finally says when the words click, and just as soon as the question escapes his mouth, his face lights up cherry red in a way Tadashi’s never seen it, and…

Huh.

Just for a second, the all-consuming embarrassment quiets, and Tadashi feels something he’s never felt before for the second time that day.

Cute.

 ~ ☆

In the end, reality comes crashing back down and Tadashi spins together something about how he was just joking and of course he doesn’t like Akiteru, he’s Tsukishima’s brother, if he did like him it would be really strange and not make any sense.

Tsukishima doesn’t argue with him. Actually, he maybe believes him too easily, but Tadashi doesn’t really want to question it. They spend the rest of the uncommonly quiet night playing video games, and when they get up the next morning, neither of them act like Tadashi said anything weird the night before. After that, Tsukishima never acknowledges it again.

Though – if Tadashi doesn’t think too hard about the way Tsukishima sits closer to him whenever Akiteru enters the room and never leaves a meal they eat with Akiteru early again, that’s his own business.

~ ☆

As they get older, Tadashi’s feelings for Akiteru wax and wane.

When Tadashi gets so tall he can look Akiteru in the eye without even trying, it hits him how his childish his crush on Akiteru was; just as childish as how badly he wanted to be Power Ranger, but in a different way.

Having a thing for the person you used to think of like a hero, who came back from university a little more handsome than he was before and told you that you were cool and liked to pat you on the head. Something like… the kind of safety Tadashi used to find in fantasizing about things that were impossible: becoming a superhero, saving the world with the power of friendship, having the cool guy who you’ve always looked up to like you just as much as you like him.

Akiteru’s always just been a person. And maybe the pedestal of childhood fantasy Tadashi put him on wasn’t half as high as Tsukishima’s, but it took him twice the time it took Tsukishima to knock him off of it.

But… even though it’s true, that Akiteru looks much smaller now that they can stand eye to eye, it’s also true, too, that sometimes Akiteru flashes Tadashi a grin, and his heart skips a beat.

~ ☆

For a long time, Tadashi stops thinking about love.

At least – that kind of love. His half a crush on Akiteru is just half a crush, and these days when he’s not around it’s like he doesn’t even have it.

It’s just never been something that Tadashi had ever been particularly interested in, or really cared about. Even on days like Valentine’s Day, he doesn’t understand the big deal about not getting anything other than obligation chocolates, and he definitely doesn’t feel lonelier or anything.

After all, on Valentine’s Day, Tsukishima is still Tadashi’s best friend and they still play volleyball, so he doesn’t see any reason to be more depressed that day than any other.

Maybe it’d be nice to date someone, but it maybe would be nice in the same way maybe it would be nice if he found a million yen lying in the street; his life would still be good even if it didn’t happen. He’s happy with all the things he has now.

The whole thing about not thinking about love changes, though, when a girl he’s never spoken to in his homeroom interrupts his lunch with Tsukishima to ask to talk to him alone after school, and Tadashi’s classmate whoops.

It’s their day off from afternoon practice, so Tadashi says yes because he doesn’t have any reason to say no. When she leaves, Tsukishima says he’ll wait for him after he asks, so it’s fine, except… the whole day, Tadashi can’t stop thinking about how insistent his classmate was that she likes him. It’s so bad Tsukishima gets annoyed with him for zoning out so much for the rest of their conversation, and Tadashi can’t bring himself to understand anything that he’s taught in class after.

Dating someone would be nice, Tadashi used to think, but he thinks he isn’t ready to have this conversation. It’s true she’s pretty, in the classical model-like kind of way, all sharp angles and high cheekbones, but she isn’t… Tadashi’s type. He isn’t attracted to her. (Is Tadashi’s type Akiteru?) He’s not interested in her that way right now, and he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be interested in her that way even if he gets to know her.

And he barely knows her. He knows her name is Akasaka and she raises her hand a lot, and he thinks he could pick out her group of friends, but he doesn’t know them well enough to come to any conclusions about her. She’d been confident when she came up to him, so maybe she’s a strong kind of person, but it’s just an assumption and it doesn’t give Tadashi a free license to mercilessly break her heart.

He thinks about asking Tsukishima how to let her down easily, but Tsukishima seemed annoyed the last time he brought her up and as much as Tadashi likes Tsukishima and thinks everyone exaggerates how cold he is, even he has to admit that he’s probably not the best person to ask about the best way to be nice.

He thinks about asking his classmate, but he seems really happy for Tadashi and he complains about being single maybe the most out of anyone Tadashi knows. He doesn’t want to rub salt into his wound. Also, he’s not sure he’s that good at talking to girls, anyway.

But Tadashi gets along fine with girls, and it’s true that a lot of people think he’s nice. They’ve told him in the context of You’re so nice, why do you hang out with that guy Tsukishima so much? and even though it’s the kind of thing he hates to hear, it’s reassuring now. Maybe if Tsukishima or his classmate were in the same situation as him, they’d come to Tadashi to get help figuring out how to handle it.

Well, Tsukishima never really stresses out about being nice, but if he did, Tadashi thinks he would come to him.

Being direct, probably, would be the best way to turn her down. I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in you that way. And maybe he could compliment her, too. You’re so pretty and way smarter than me! Actually, I’m not really sure why you like me. I bet you could do a lot better!

He could tell her he likes someone else, too. It’s not really stretching the truth even if the way he likes Akiteru is much less intense than it used to be. Plus, it’s what works the best on television. Still, if anyone heard him tell her he likes someone and it got back to Tsukishima, he might think he still likes Akiteru, and whether or not it counts as true, he doesn’t want Tsukishima to know.

Thinking about Akiteru, though – Akasaka will probably be fine. She barely knows him, so he can’t really break her heart seriously, and Tadashi’s had a doomed crush on the older brother of his best friend for years, and it didn’t kill him.

“Yamaguchi,” Tadashi hears Tsukishima say in the same annoyed tone from when he couldn’t pay attention to their conversation before. It’s enough to jolt him out of his self-reassuring, and Tadashi flashes Tsukishima a dopey grin. “Why are you just sitting there? You told that girl you’d talk to her. Go get it over with. I’ll be in the library.”

“Ah, uh, okay, Tsukki!” Tadashi says, rubbing the back of his neck as he watches Tsukishima sigh and walk away.

When Tadashi’s finally put all his stuff away and gets up, the classroom is already almost empty. Almost cautiously, he heads toward the door, and just like he’d braced himself for, she’s already waiting for him by the doorway.

“Akasaka-san.” Tadashi runs through the lines he’d come up with during class. I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in you. You’re really pretty. I like someone else.

Akasaka smiles at Tadashi like he just told her a joke. “You don’t need to be so formal. Just Akasaka is fine.” Tadashi swallows, but makes a “hm” in agreement, and she turns around to lead him somewhere. “Thanks for talking to me. Let’s go to the yard, okay?”

The courtyard isn’t a very private place, even if the chatter there the thirty minutes or so after school ends is probably enough to drown out the exact words of their conversation, but the middle of their homeroom isn’t a private place, either. Akasaka is really brave. Tadashi thinks to himself that he probably likes her, even if it isn’t in the way she wants.

When they get to the yard, Akasaka has them sit down next to each other on the bench under the tree all the way at the far corner. It’s not secluded enough to be private, and there are pockets of people around them, but they’re so occupied with their conversations Tadashi doesn’t think they’d be listening.

“Um, ah, what did you want to talk to me about?” Tadashi asks, even though he’s pretty sure he already knows, and he runs through the rejection in his head again. But the words jumble themselves up. I’m sorry, but you’re pretty… I could do better…

Tadashi feels his heartbeat quicken. He thought he was ready to have to conversation, but he’s not sure if he’ll ever be.

“Oh, well… Tsukishima-kun’s your best friend, right?” Akasaka says, twirling a lock of long reddish-brown hair with her fingers. It’s hard for Tadashi to read her, some kind of cross between nervousness and excitement.

“I’m, uh, I’m really sorry, I don’t—” Tadashi starts to say, and then he realizes he’s not answering her question. “Huh? Tsukki?” She nods, and Tadashi doesn’t say anything for a minute, just lets what she said sink in. “Did you call me out to talk to me about him?”

Her eyes widen when he asks her, like she didn’t realize he didn’t know. For a while, she doesn’t say anything, just wrinkles her nose and frowns a little bit. “I did. Is that okay?”

“That’s great!” Tadashi says, grinning maybe too widely. “Tsukki’s my best friend, so I really like talking about him!”

As long as the other person isn’t being mean or unfair. But even then, Tadashi thinks he’s always able to change their mind at least a little, and it’s not like she seemed like she disliked Tsukishima when she came up to them during lunch.

Also, Tadashi doesn’t have to worry about turning her down anymore. It feels a little bit like he just won the lottery.

Akasaka flashes him an easy smile. “’Tsukki.’ That’s a really cute nickname, especially for someone like him.”

“Well, I guess because he’s so tall. Did you know he’s 188 centimeters? But actually, he’s not as cold as everybody thinks he is. If he was, he wouldn’t be my best friend!”

Akasaka scrunches her nose. “Really? He always came off as unapproachable to me. But he must be nice to you, if he lets you call him ‘Tsukki.’”

Tadashi laughs. “He didn’t like it at first, actually. But, uh— He is nice, and not just because it’s me. Back when I just started becoming friends with him, his reputation was even worse than it is now! Uh, about being mean. And I was really nervous to talk to him, but he scared away some guys who were bothering me once, so I had to thank him. And when I did talk to him, he was really nice! It’s just hard to figure out if you don’t spend the time trying to know him.”

“You must really like him, Yamaguchi-kun,” Akasaka says, and her face is glowing now.

“Of course!”

It’s kind of nice, having someone who’s just as happy to listen to him talk about Tsukishima as he is when he’s talking about Tsukishima. Tadashi wonders if this is how Tsukishima felt about him, all the way back when they first met.

Still, she’s really listening to him talk. Maybe she’ll take his words to heart and try to get to know Tsukishima, too. That would be nice; Tadashi’s always thought Tsukishima needed more friends than just him (he has to watch out for him since Akiteru isn’t) and he likes Akasaka. She does things without being afraid of them.

Tadashi thinks Tsukishima would like that, too.

“Actually, I didn’t call you out here just to talk about Tsukishima-kun,” Akasaka says, and the strangest feeling washes over Tadashi. “Since you’re his best friend, I wanted to ask you to do me a favor. Uh— but only if you’re okay with it.”

“Well, you listened to me talk about Tsukki without complaining, so I don’t mind,” Tadashi says, even if he can’t shake the feeling creeping over his shoulders.

Akasaka grins from ear to ear, uncharacteristically cute for her face. “Thank you so much, Yamaguchi!” she says. “I wanted to ask if you could put in a good word for me with Tsukishima-kun. You see, he’s— actually, he’s the first person I’ve ever been infatuated with, and I thought if I talked to you, I could understand him a little more, and you could help me. You’re a lot easier to approach than him, and I always thought you were a kind person.”

The atmosphere around Tadashi changes completely. His heart sinks down to his stomach.

Akasaka isn’t Tadashi’s type. The reason he’d been nervous to speak to her is because he wasn’t sure how to let her down easily. He doesn’t like her. He doesn’t care who she dates. Tadashi knows that’s true.

But if it is true… why do his insides feel so disgusting?

~ ☆

The next day, there’s a note tucked into Tsukishima’s shoe locker.

Tadashi hasn’t mentioned Akasaka to him yet, other than when he asked how his talk with her went and he said she was nice.

Tadashi kept it to himself, yesterday, the way he started feeling. Akasaka doesn’t know him well enough to even realize he started feeling gross, so he was able to encourage her without seeming strange, saying the things he knows are true: She’s confident, and Tsukishima would probably like that about her, but he’ll probably like her even more if she talks to him herself instead of relying on Tadashi to put a good word in.

Tadashi watches as Tsukishima unfolds the note – angled just out of Tadashi’s view, because Tsukishima is too nice to do something like let someone else read a love note – and skims through the words. After a minute, he folds it back up, and on their way out of the locker room, he moves to drop it in the trash can.

“What are you doing?” Tadashi says, even though a part of him wants to just let him throw it out because he feels so sick just thinking about the two of them dating. “You can’t just treat that like garbage. That’s someone’s feelings!”

“I didn’t ask for their feelings,” Tsukishima says plainly. “The person who wrote this note doesn’t even know me. And I don’t plan on going to meet them, either. What’s the point of holding on to it?”

He’s right, some terrible part of Tadashi thinks. He should just throw it out.

But no matter how he feels thinking about them together, Tadashi likes Akasaka; he likes the way her face completely changes when she smiles, and how she sets out to do things and then does them. He isn’t going to sabotage her happiness just because of a weird feeling he can’t explain.

“Stop being like this, Tsukki!” Tadashi scolds him, in the way he rarely does. “You know why you should hold on it. You know you should go meet them, too. Just throwing out this note is like— it’s like if you told me to leave you alone the first time we talked, or you didn’t let me go over to your house the first day we met! You owe her at least a chance.”

Tsukishima’s eyes narrow at his last sentence, but Tadashi’s too irritated with him to care what he knows. “This is different,” he says, his tone definitely not as sharp than it could be.

“It really isn’t,” Tadashi says, and the disgusting feeling in his stomach swirls.

Tsukishima is being mean, but Tadashi shouldn’t be losing his temper like this. He usually only gets like this when Tsukishima is saying bad things about himself. But it’s not right, the way he’s throwing Akasaka’s affection away like it’s nothing, like it didn’t take so much courage to write that letter and put it inside of his locker.

Thinking about it… Tadashi can feel the anger bubbling up in him again, and he storms up the stairs, leaving Tsukishima in the doorway to main hall, standing completely speechless.

When Tadashi sees him in the classroom again, he goes to his seat behind him and tries to start apologizing to him, but before he can, Tsukishima says, “I’ll meet her. Behind the school, during lunch. Near the track.”

Tsukishima segues into normal conversation after that, not even letting Tadashi get a word in about Akasaka. A part of Tadashi is happy he’s going, even if the other part feels sticky. This is part of taking care Tsukishima like he promised Akiteru he would; he needs to open up to more people, and give them chances. And maybe date someone, if they like him and he likes them, too.

But no matter how hard he tries, Tadashi can’t stop thinking about it. Tsukishima-kun is the first person I’ve ever had a crush on. I always thought you were a kind person.

Akasaka maybe was wrong, Tadashi thinks to himself as he cuts around the school a different way to get to the track. When he gets there, Tsukishima and Akasaka are already talking, and Tadashi hides behind a corner.

“I’m not interested in dating you,” Tsukishima says, followed by a lengthy silence. “Don’t take it personally. I don’t even know you.”

“You could, um— You could get to know me. We don’t have to start dating immediately. Just spend some time with me, and if you don’t like me, I’ll, uh—” Akasaka’s voice cracks, just a little. “I’ll leave you alone.”

Tsukishima sighs, loud and irritated and exaggerated. “Listen. Yamaguchi seems to like you, so I don’t want to be mean. But I’m not interested in you romantically and I doubt that I ever will be. I… appreciate you telling me how you feel, but this isn’t going to change.”

“Oh, uh… Okay.” Akasaka’s voice is small and shaking. If Tadashi didn’t know any better, he’d think she was someone else.

“Cheer up. I’m sure you’ll find someone more compatible with you,” Tsukishima says, words devoid of any warmth. There’s a long pause, the sound of footsteps, and then they abruptly stop. “But don’t bother Yamaguchi about things like this. He has enough to worry about already.”

This is the best-case scenario, Tadashi thinks to himself. Tsukishima didn’t accept her confession, but he acknowledged it, and even tried to comfort her when she seemed sad, even if he wasn’t good at it. So he learned to be a little nicer – the amount of nice Tadashi’s always known he is – and they’re not dating.

But his chest still feels hollow. Like someone scooped everything out of it.

In the back of Tadashi’s mind, he knows he should leave, because he’s already heard everything he wants to hear, but the strange feeling in his chest is keeping his feet planted to the ground. He doesn’t know if he even has the energy to even move. Maybe it’s karma, that he has to stand here and listen to Akasaka’s sharp, uneven breathing.

“Yamaguchi,” he hears Tsukishima’s voice say from right in front of him, and it’s enough to shock Tadashi back into himself, even if he still feels a little bit weak. “Come on. Lunch is about to end. Did you even eat?”

Tsukishima is standing in front of him, beckoning him to come with him with a tilt of his head. When Tadashi doesn’t move, he grabs his wrist and starts to lead him back into the school. “I, uh— How did you know I was—"

“Of course I know,” Tsukishima says. “It’s you.”

After that, neither of them mention Akasaka ever again.

~ ☆

As time goes on, it only happens more and more, but it stops affecting Tadashi as much as it did the first time. Actually, after the first time, it never affects him that much ever again.

Eventually, he falls into a routine; if a girl asks to talk to him alone, he agrees, because he shouldn’t reject them if he doesn’t have a real excuse to, and when they’re alone, the first thing he asks is Did you call me here to talk about Tsukki?

They say yes. (No one has ever called Tadashi out for anything else.) And after they do, he explains it to them. That even though Tsukishima is his best friend, he doesn’t influence him as much as they think he does. He can’t make Tsukishima have a crush on someone. Of course he can’t. Tadashi knows that. They should, too, Tadashi thinks, but he knows love can make you desperate.

The conversations are short, fifteen minutes max, because Tadashi leaves as soon as he’s finished with his speech about how the kind of person Tsukishima likes the most is the person brave enough to tell him that themselves. He avoids their questions about Tsukishima’s interests or his habits even though maybe he’d really enjoy answering them, if they were talking to Tadashi in a different context.

(And after that, they ask to talk to Tsukishima alone or leave a note in his locker, and he never stands them up. But Tadashi already knows better to eavesdrop on a conversation like that.)

The process is streamlined now. Faster and quicker and more efficient. It only hurts as much as ripping off a band-aid or getting a shot, only Tadashi isn’t sure if he’s better off for doing it.

Tadashi knows Tsukishima thinks he’s crazy for always saying yes the way he does. Tsukishima thought he went insane the first time he said yes again, after everything that happened. Tsukishima’s never said as much – their ritual is something they never talk about, just like what happened the first time they did it – but Tadashi can see it in his eyes, when he turns back to continue his conversation with Tsukishima after he agrees to meet a girl.

Why are you doing this if you hate it so much?

But it’s not the right question. The answer to that one is easy: He’s doing it because he needs to take care of Tsukishima, and taking care of Tsukishima means he needs to help him expand his world. Because if there’s a chance Tsukishima will meet someone who makes him happy and they fall in love by Tadashi doing this, he has to do it. Because Tsukishima will see it through if he sees Tadashi’s already forced himself to start it.

So. Maybe it is like a band-aid or a shot. Because maybe one day, Tsukishima will be better off for it, and Tadashi will be better off by extension.

Tadashi just has to wait until then.

(The right question is Why do you hate it so much? But Tadashi doesn’t know the answer.)

~ ☆

The next crush Tadashi has in on the Karasuno volleyball club’s second manager.

It’s strange, and different from the way he felt about Akiteru, but it’s something he knows immediately, from the first time Yachi introduces herself to them. The softness of her voice and the roundness of her face and how small she is; it’d been enough to make Tadashi’s cheeks heat up the first time he saw her.

Tadashi met girls like her before, and he thought they were cute and gotten flustered speaking to them in passing, but Yachi wasn’t someone he met in passing. He saw her every day after the day he first met her, and all the affection he would have just forgotten about stewed in his chest.

The look on her face when she gets nervous over nothing, or when she finally has enough and chews Hinata out. It’s cute.

Tadashi still thinks those faces are cute, and he knows Yachi is cute, but just like what happened with Akiteru, as time passes, the feeling starts to subside. It takes a quarter of the time it did with Akiteru for her to fall off her pedestal, but Tadashi isn’t sure she’s fallen off of a pedestal at all, if she was even better before.

He used to think about Yachi a lot; sharing an umbrella with her, watching horror movies together, calming her down whenever she got nervous. Encouraging her to follow her dreams. And those are the kind of thoughts that he’s always liked, the ones that made him think maybe he’d enjoying dating someone even if it wasn’t a priority.

But somewhere after the first time he saw Yachi and those first few weeks, he found the courage to actually talk to her, like he did all the way back when he saw Tsukishima standing in their middle school gym. And eventually, taking to her got easier, and he stopped having to overthink everything he was about to say, and then he started to know her.

These days, he almost can’t believe he used to think of her that way. He’d never share an umbrella with Yachi because she’s too prepared to forget her umbrella at home, and she even likes the bloody gangster movies that are hard for Tadashi to stomach. Even if she is pretty, she’s not the girl Tadashi had a crush on; she’s just his friend, which is better, Tadashi thinks.

Actually, Tadashi didn’t have a chance with her from the beginning. At first, she was wary of him because he was close with Tsukishima and she was afraid of him, but after she got comfortable around him, she started using him as a sounding board for all the things that stress her out. Which is fine, because she listens to him, too, and it’s nice to have Yachi to vent to.

Sometimes, there are things that make Tadashi worried that he can’t tell Tsukishima about because he’ll just sigh and tell him to stop overthinking. But he can tell Yachi about them, because with things like that, she understands him like he understands her in a way no one else really does.

It was fun, that amount of time he thought he was in love with Yachi. Embarrassing, too, which Tadashi knows really well, after all the annoyed glances Tsukishima sent Tadashi’s way when he stumbled over his words talking to Yachi, but it was nice, too, that rush of excitement he felt every time he saw her. So he doesn’t really regret it. He just prefers it like this.

Or at least, he thought he did, until Yachi came over to him after practice while he was waiting for Tsukishima to come back from the restroom and asked, “Are you okay?”

Tadashi knows it’s nice that she cares, and he appreciates it. But he isn’t really sure how he feels about her being able to tell when he’s upset now. He’s not even that upset. “Why?” he asks, rubbing the back of his neck and flashing her a casual smile.

“You’ve been quiet all practice,” Yachi points out. Tadashi takes a minute to think of a reply, but before he can say anything, she sighs, bites her lip, and looks at the ground. “And I, um— I was looking out the window during lunch, and I… saw you and that girl. You seemed really… Did she, uh— did she turn you down?”

Oh. It’s true Tadashi always meets them out in the open. He’s even out in the open with Yachi now, on the bench in the middle of the courtyard like this. Though it doesn’t really matter, since the yard’s already empty by this time.

Still, maybe he should talk to those girls somewhere else. If Yachi sees him, who else has seen him? He wonders if you could see him from the window of his homeroom.

Well. Not like Tsukishima wasn’t worrying about it already.

“It’s, uh— It’s nothing like that. Sometimes girls call me out to ask about Tsukki, since he’s a little intimidating.”

Tadashi laughs a little bit, to lighten the mood. Yachi doesn’t stop looking at the floor, and worries her lip again.

Tadashi’s used to this already. He’s really not upset. He wonders what Yachi saw that he didn’t.

“Did you think she, uh— that she liked you?” Yachi asks, pout pronounced on her face. A couple of months ago, Tadashi thinks, he would have been overjoyed to see her care about him that much. “You know, her opinion of you, it isn’t— just because she likes Tsukishima-kun better, it doesn’t mean—”

Tadashi laughs again, a little more genuinely. “This happens a lot, Yacchan. You don’t have to make me feel better,” he says. “I never get upset about those kinds of things with this, anyway. It’s kind of funny, actually! The girls that like Tsukki are never my type.”

“Really?” Yachi asks, her tone strange. Not like she doesn’t believe him, but… confused, maybe.

“Yeah! Most of them are really tall and have sharp jaws. Uh, what’s that word?” Tadashi scrunches his nose, brings his hand to his chin. Maybe he’s being too theatrical. “Classically beautiful. So it’s not like they aren’t pretty, just… I always liked cute a little better than beautiful! That’s just my taste.”

Yachi tilts her head to the side. For a second, he’s afraid he said too much and she’s figured out he used to have a crush on her, but instead she says, “But if that’s true, how come you looked so sad?”

That’s a good question, Tadashi thinks. But he still doesn’t know the answer, even after all the time that’s passed, so he doesn’t say anything, just rubs the back of his neck.

A long moment passes and they watch the sky turn a little pinker, and then Yachi says, “You know, I, uh… Sometimes I get upset when I hear people gushing about how pretty Shimizu-senpai is, even though I agree with them.”

Tadashi isn’t sure what she’s trying to tell him. “Really?”

“Y-Yeah. Because they’re always these really strong guys, or these girls who are so much prettier than me, and I know I can’t really compete with them. Especially since I’m just a first year.”

Oh. She told Tadashi about this a while ago, her crush on Shimizu. She’d been acting really strangely, and even though Tadashi didn’t really press it other than asking if she was okay, it came exploding out of her.

Still, the things she said… Yachi isn’t just anything. He fell in love with her at first sight, even if he figured out later it wasn’t really love. And he’s never seen Shimizu smile with anyone else the way she smiles around her. “Shimizu-senpai really likes you, you know? I’m sure she prefers you to any random strong guy or pretty girl you see.”

“Thanks, Yamaguchi-kun. But that’s not really…” Yachi scrunches her nose. “I still get upset when I hear it. Because I… The way I feel about her is…”

Oh.

Something inside Tadashi’s chest gets a little bit darker.

“I don’t like Tsukki that way,” Tadashi says, maybe too curtly. “He’s my best friend. I’ve known him since we were kids.”

“Oh,” Yachi says, but he can tell from her tone that she doesn’t believe him. “Well, if you, uh— if you ever do, or you need to talk about something, you can, um… I’ll listen to you, okay? Like always.”

“Mm,” Tadashi replies, because he’s afraid of what he might say if he keeps talking. “It’s getting late. You should go home.”

“I, um— Okay. But remember what I said.” Tadashi nods.

Yachi picks up her schoolbag, stands up, and as she leaves, Tadashi watches her retreating back.

The second he can’t see her anymore, Tadashi clasps his hands together, takes a deep breath in and out, and closes his eyes.

~ ☆

They never talked about her again, but Tadashi never forgot her. Akasaka. The exact sound of her uneven breathing. Her wails. Like she was dying.

Tadashi never forgot.

(It’s something like – finally going to the doctor to figure out what’s causing the pain in your left arm. And you find out you have three months left to live.)

(How long has he been in love with him?)

~ ☆

Maybe fifteen minutes pass, and Tadashi realizes that Tsukishima’s been using the restroom for a really long time.

Tadashi can’t believe he’d gotten so caught up in his conversation with Yachi, and then in feeling sorry for himself, that he forgot about Tsukishima. The person they’d been talking about, the person he’s been thinking about this entire time.

Tsukishima pushed himself really hard at practice today, Tadashi remembers. They’d all been impressed with him, even though Tadashi wasn’t in the mood to be as enthusiastic about it as he usually is, but since Tsukishima pushed himself so hard— maybe he fainted in the restroom or something!

It’s a really dumb oversight. Tadashi promised a long time ago that he would take care of Tsukishima while Akiteru was at university, and he let him pass out on a toilet for more than half an hour. Tadashi scrambles out of the bench, slinging his bag over his back—

And when he goes to the gym to check the restroom, Tsukishima is sitting on the doorstep, lazily flipping through a magazine. When he sees him, Tsukishima takes his headphones off and says, “You took a while.”

“What happened?”

Tsukishima puts the magazine away, and then pulls his bag over his shoulder and stands up. “You were having a conversation with Yachi-san. It didn’t seem like something I should interrupt, so I decided to wait for you here.”

That’s… Did he hear them? Tadashi doesn’t think so; even though they’re friends, he and Tsukishima aren’t similar people. He’d never eavesdrop on a conversation like that.

“Why did you wait for me? I could have forgotten about you and gone home.”

Tsukishima tilts his head, like Tadashi’s saying something ridiculous. “What are you talking about?” he asks, and then he shakes his head. “Stop thinking about pointless things. Of course I knew you’d come find me.”

He starts walking away, and when Tadashi doesn’t move, he walks back over and closes his hand around Tadashi’s wrist.

“Come on, Yamaguchi. Haven’t you been here long enough? Let’s go home.”

As Tsukishima pulls Tadashi along, and his wrist tingling where Tsukishima is touching him, Tadashi remembers something he almost forgot about.

Even though it’s embarrassing to have feelings for someone, and it’s hard, and every time he’s ever had these feelings they were doomed – just being around that person, just seeing them.

It’s fun, too. In a way that nothing else is.

~ ☆

It takes a long time for Tadashi to get over his feelings for Tsukishima.

Or: It’s taking a long time for Tadashi to get over his feelings for Tsukishima.

It’s more difficult than it is with everyone he’s had feelings for before, because he liked Yachi and Akiteru because he thought they were something they weren’t but it’s not the same, with Tsukishima.

Tadashi knows everything about Tsukishima. Sometimes Tadashi thinks he knows Tsukishima better than he knows himself. So he isn’t really sure how long it’ll take, for this one to go away.

When Tadashi had a crush on Akiteru, he was sure he was going to feel like that forever, the warm and manic energy of doing something as ridiculous as having a crush on the much-older brother of your best friend curled around his heart.

The way Tadashi feels about Tsukishima isn’t really the same. It’s something more like – when you’re watching the sunrise, and the sky is pitch black, and then suddenly when you weren’t paying attention, the sky’s started swirling with pinks and yellows and golds, and you’re feeling things you didn’t even know you could feel. And then, before you know it, the sun is all the way in the sky, and everything is warm and singing in bright blue, and you’re safe, in a way you weren’t before. You feel like you can do anything without being afraid.

Tadashi knows there’s other sides to the feeling: when girls ask him about Tsukishima, when he’s able to pick out and name the specific feeling that comes when he wants to press his lips to Tsukishima’s cheek and he knows he can’t, but there are still times Tadashi thinks it’s worth holding on to.

When he’s staring at ceiling of Tsukishima’s bedroom, laying on his floor late at night, in complete silence except for the sound of Tadashi’s soft snoring, and he thinks he could name what’s on the inside of his chest love. When Tsukishima says something funny and Tadashi laughs so hard his chest starts hurting. Those really rare times when Tadashi makes a joke and Tsukishima smiles, just a little.

With Akiteru, he didn’t want to let go of the feeling because it made him happy. With Tsukishima, he isn’t sure who he’ll be without it.

But that’s… Tadashi doesn’t know. It’s not a feeling he should hold on to, because maybe it’ll really start to hurt him if he never gets to realize it (and he won’t ever risk it – he still remembers Akasaka) and he knows when he loses it he’ll barely remember how much it used to mean to him.

And he’ll still like Tsukishima. Even if it isn’t in that way. He likes Yachi even more now, he thinks, than he did when he thought he wanted to kiss her. Tadashi isn’t sure if it’s possible for him to like Tsukishima even more than he does now, but if there is, he wants to find out.

But it isn’t really something Tadashi can force. It feels like ages since he found out that he likes Tsukishima, and it hasn’t started to fade even a little bit. Things like this are just a matter of time, Tadashi thinks.

So until then – when his brain knows he’ll probably better off even if the rest of him doesn’t really agree – Tadashi will enjoy the sunrise.

~ ☆

It’s a couple of months later, and Tadashi still has feelings for Tsukishima, who’s leaning fast asleep on his shoulder.

It’s awkward and a little bit uncomfortable, because Tsukishima has half a foot on him and Tadashi’s sure he’s going to have a crook in his neck in the morning, but he can’t bring himself to move.

Tadashi almost never gets nervous with Tsukishima, not like he did with Yachi or Akiteru, because being with Tsukishima has been as natural to him as breathing for what feels like most of his life. But the way Tsukishima is now – eyes fluttered shut (he took Tsukishima’s glasses off his face when he fell asleep), cheeks soft against him, the serene expression Tadashi can just barely make out by the light of the television – is enough to make his face heat up more than he ever has before. He’s lucky the light isn’t on right now, because he’s sure his face is cherry red.

They’re watching a samurai movie right now, Akiteru sitting on the other end of the couch. It’s one they all used to watch together all the time when they were younger. Tadashi knows the story like the back of his hand (and Tsukishima does, too, which is probably why he fell asleep), but there’s something nice about watching it again.

It’s nearing the ending, now, though. Tadashi watches the too-violent final scene that had burned itself into his retinas when he was younger and almost given him nightmares: the main character is decapitated while buying time for his lover to flee to safety. It’s somehow bloodier than he remembers, and tears at his heart a little more.

Actually… this is a sad movie. He doesn’t understand why Akiteru liked it so much. But maybe he should be more concerned that he thought this movie was okay to show kids.

When the credits start rolling, Akiteru low-whistles. “That was rougher than I remember,” he says, getting up to take the DVD out and put it away. While he’s crouching to fiddle with the DVD player, he turns to glance at Yamaguchi and laughs. “Kei’s really knocked out, huh?”

“Yeah,” Tadashi says, trying not to look flustered when he remembers Tsukishima’s hanging off of him. “He played really hard at practice today.”

“Did he? I’m glad my little brother’s having fun,” he says. “Actually, it’s good he’s asleep. I wanted to talk to you alone.”

“Really?” The last time Tadashi talked to him alone was when Tsukishima and Akiteru still weren’t on speaking terms, one of the occasional here’s how Tsukishima’s been reports they were able to sneak past Tsukishima so Tadashi didn’t have to deal with him sulking. Since then, they haven’t really had any reason to talk alone.

“Yeah, come on,” Akiteru says, beckoning towards the hallway with a tilt of his head. “Let’s go to my room.”

“Oh, uh, I would, but—” Tadashi tilts his head towards Tsukishima, and Akiteru laughs again.

“You two are still so cute. Like when you were kids. I wish he’d fall asleep on me,” Akiteru says, but before Tadashi can get embarrassed over it, Akiteru’s making his way towards Tsukishima and fixing his hands on his shoulders. “Come out, I’ll hold him up. You know he’s a deep sleeper.”

Tadashi crawls out and fixes the pillows on the couch so Tsukishima’s head won’t be resting on nothing. After they lay him down, Tadashi picks up the blanket hanging over the back of the sofa and spreads it over him.

“You really took it to heart when I asked you to take care of him, didn’t you, Tadashi?”  Akiteru asks, looking at him strangely, and Tadashi feels his cheeks heat up again.

“I did.”

Akiteru pats him on the back, his hand big and rough and warm, and Tadashi remembers why he used to have a crush on him, just a little. As he walks in front of him, he beckons him towards the hallway again.

Tadashi’s been in Akiteru’s room a good number of times, while Tsukishima was looking for something and that first night after Akiteru left when they tried to let him sleep there instead of Tsukishima’s floor – it was big and empty and he never tried it again – but it’s strange, being in there with Akiteru. It’s strange being alone with him so long.

When they get in, Akiteru sits on the office chair by his desk, spinning it around to face the bed, and gestures for Tadashi to sit. After he does, Akiteru laughs and rubs the back of his neck. “It’s been a long time since I got to talk to you alone, hasn’t it? Kei got really weird about me hanging out with you after last time. Actually, he’s still a little weird about it.”

Tadashi knows why. He feels his cheeks get hot again. “Yeah,” he says. “Uh, why did you want to talk to me?”

“Oh, uh,” Akiteru starts to say, and he’s sitting up straight in his chair. “I guess I waited a long time again, but I never said thank you, did I? For keeping an eye on Kei all this time.”

“You, uh, you don’t need to thank me!” Tadashi says, waving his hands in front of chest. “He’s my best friend. It’s what you’re supposed to do.”

“You said that last time. Do you remember?” Akiteru grins at him, a little slanted, but Tadashi doesn’t really remember much of what he said that conversation, just Akiteru’s voice and being embarrassed. “Well, even if you don’t want me to thank you for that, there’s something else I have to thank you for, too, isn’t there?”

“Huh?”

“It was because of you, right? That Kei started talking to me.” Akiteru’s grinning at him playfully, but it’s such a strange thing to say that Tadashi’s at a loss. “And that there’s fire in his eyes again. He’s still the same awful kid, but that was really sad, you know? Seeing him like that.”

“Yeah. But, uh, it’s not because of me that he did any of those things! I’m not really sure why you think that. At training camp, a lot of things happened, and I think it made Tsukki think about why he plays volleyball.”

Tadashi scratches the back of his neck. He doesn’t really like remembering it. Tsukishima was acting strange, and then Tadashi got carried away. He knows the short time they spent at training camp helped Tsukishima in a way Tadashi wasn’t able to help him in years, but it’s still embarrassing to look back on.

“But I, um… You’re right. I’m glad he figured it out.”

There’s a long pause, the smile on Akiteru’s face thinned just a little. There’s something strange in his eyes. “Tadashi, are you okay?”

He’s fine, Tadashi thinks. He’s not any different than usual. He wonders what Akiteru is picking up on. “Why?”

“No, I guess… It’s been a while, hasn’t it? You used to be so excited whenever I talked to you about Kei. It’s like you’re holding yourself back now. You don’t have to be embarrassed, you know? I think he’s just as cool as you do.”

There’s a lilt in Akiteru’s voice and a grin on his face, like he’s joking, but Tadashi can tell he’s concerned by the slight furrow in his eyebrow. To make him feel better, Tadashi forces a laugh, but it comes out too weak and sounds more like a sigh.

But Akiteru’s right. At volleyball club or school or even to Tsukishima’s mom, Tadashi doesn’t really have any problem telling everyone how cool Tsukishima is because it’s true.

But right now, alone in a room late at night with someone who’s known him since he was in elementary school, coming off a good thirty minutes spent with Tsukishima nuzzled against his shoulder and his hair, he’s tired and still a little flustered and it’s hard to feel free enough to talk unabashedly like that. Especially to Akiteru. He promised to take care of him.

Akiteru lets out a heavy breath, exaggerated just enough so Tadashi can tell he’s joking. “You two really are growing up, aren’t you? Faster than I can keep up with.” A moment passes, and then he leans forward in his chair, mischievous smile on his face. “Well, you don’t have to be modest. Kei’s the one who told me you yelled at him before he got his act together.”

That’s… Tsukishima told Tadashi the first time he spoke to Akiteru again and they’ve been spending time together, all three of them, when Akiteru visits, so it’s not news to Tadashi that they’re talking, but that they’re close enough for Tsukishima tell him that… Tadashi was hoping he wouldn’t tell anyone about that. Actually, Tadashi was hoping he forgot it happened.

“He did?”

“Yup. I asked him why he started talking to me again, when I stopped being scared he was gonna ice me out. He told me to thank you.” Akiteru’s still grinning. “You really do take care of that kid, don’t you?”

Ah… Tadashi feels his cheeks heat up. He didn’t really do that much during that training camp, just lost his temper at Tsukishima. There’s something kind of nice about knowing Tsukishima thinks about it like that, but it’s not right, also. The reason Tsukishima is happier now and has a brother again and is more motivated isn’t because of him. It’s because of Tsukishima.

Tadashi rubs his neck. He can’t bring himself to look at Akiteru right now, with all the thoughts swirling around his head.

“I’m not really why…” Tadashi trails off. Akiteru will probably just argue with him on that. “I do, um, do my best to take care of him, but he also does the same thing for me! There’s a lot of times…”

Tadashi thinks about all the times he felt like his heart stopped working, or it worked too hard, or he thought he couldn’t move anymore, and then Tsukishima reached out a hand and it’s like everything clicked back together again.

He can’t really tell Akiteru that, though. “Um, I… He’s done a lot. He’s a really good friend.”

“He’s a good friend, huh?” Akiteru asks, and there’s something strange in his eyes, bordering on wistful. “That’s funny. It’s like the two of you have changed a lot, but you also haven’t changed at all.”

There’s something bittersweet about the way Akiteru’s words make him feel. Tadashi doesn’t reply.

“Well!” Akiteru says after a long silence, clapping his hands together, and then he spins around his chair to start digging through a desk drawer. “Since you’re here, I want to show you something! I’ll probably tell Kei about it after I get my reply, but I know you’re good at keeping secrets, so!”

Akiteru rolls over to Tadashi and presses a small cube-shaped box into his hands. Tadashi feels his eyes widen. “This is…!” He pops the box open, and inside of it is a simple silver band, embedded with light blue gemstones. “You’re getting married?”

“Not so loud!” Akiteru says, but he’s laughing while he says it. “But not yet. I’m proposing! We got together a while ago. I mentioned it a few times, you remember?”

Tadashi scrunches his nose, and remembers what he’s talking about, a little vaguely. But Akiteru seemed happy bringing it up, Tadashi thinks. And he definitely seems happy now. “Oh, I do! I bet they’ll say yes,” he says.

“You do?” Akiteru pats Tadashi on the head and laughs. It still feels familiar, even though they can sit eye to eye now. “Well, I hope so.”

Tadashi doesn’t like Akiteru anymore, but he’s knows the kind of person that Akiteru is so well that he knows you’d have to be crazy to turn down from a proposal from him.

Akiteru sniffs and scratches his nose. “I really like that look on your face. This is why I told you first, you know? Anyway, what do you think about the ring?”

Tadashi squints at it, turning the box so the gemstones inside it can catch the light at different angles. It doesn’t sparkle so bright enough to blind, but it’s enough that the shine will catch your eye if you know to look for it. “It’s beautiful.”

“It’s sterling silver, but it’s still nice, right? I like the way it catches the light.”

“It is,” Tadashi says. He turns to look at Akiteru, and the playful smile is gone from his face, replaced with something soft on his lips and awe in his eyes. “I’m really happy for you.”

“I haven’t gotten an answer yet, you know? But I appreciate it, Tadashi.” A moment passes, and Akiteru sighs. “Well, I should let you get to bed. Thanks for talking to me. You’re a good kid.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Tadashi says, closing the box gently and handing it back to Akiteru.

“You say that too much.” Akiteru rolls back to his desk and gingerly places the ring box back where he found it. “Good night, Tadashi.”

“Good night.”

The darkness washes over Tadashi as soon as he steps out of the room, the atmosphere suddenly empty without Akiteru’s slanted grins. When Tadashi turns on the light in Tsukishima’s room to get his futon from the closet, he sees Tsukishima laying on his side on his bed and almost screams.

Ah. He must have gotten up. He probably knows he was talking to Akiteru. It’s fine if Tsukishima asks him what he was talking about with him, but Tadashi still hopes he doesn’t.

But Tsukishima really is pretty when he’s asleep. Tadashi’s always known he has long eyelashes, but there’s something about them right now that he can’t stop looking at. The pink in his lips.

Tadashi scrunches his eyes shut and shakes his head, and then turns the light off again, so he doesn’t accidentally wake Tsukishima up. He makes his way to the closet easily, pulls his futon off the top shelf, and sets it up by the light of the streetlight peeking through Tsukishima’s bedroom window.

That night, Tadashi falls asleep thinking about the box in Akiteru’s drawer, his best friend lying in the bed next to him, and love.

~ ☆

In the fall of his second year of high school, Tadashi watches his first love gets married.

Tadashi doesn’t get to meet the person he marries until the day of wedding, but it doesn’t really matter, who the other person is. Tadashi knows Akiteru’s a good judge of character, and from the way he looked that night he knew it was love. He knew it would make him happy.

Not that Akiteru needed Tadashi’s blessing, anyway. But it’s nice that he told him about it.

It’s the first wedding ceremony Tadashi’s ever seen, and he isn’t sure how he expected it to be. Maybe he thought it’d be stuffy, or too traditional, or too fancy for him, but when he watches it, something he doesn’t know the name swirls inside his chest.

Tadashi’s never been an overly romantic person, or maybe he wasn’t until he realized he’s in love with Tsukishima, but before he even realizes it, his cheeks are wet.

It’s because it’s so beautiful at first, Tadashi thinks. Because the way the two of them feel about each other is so strong that it’s taking up space in the room, that pure joy bleeding into everyone, and it’s enough to move Tadashi to tears.

And then it’s about something else. It’s about that strange mix of softness and awe in Akiteru’s face as he takes a sip of sake, how he can’t stop smiling even though he shouldn’t.

It’s so easy to imagine that exact expression on Tsukishima’s face, the softness and that small, powerful smile, and in a room full of love like the one they’re in now, Tadashi can’t hold it in, the feelings inside his chest that haven’t changed since the moment he found out about them.

How badly he wants Tsukishima to look at him like that.

For too long, the water flows freely from his face, but Tadashi works hard to keep his breathing even, and by the time the ceremony is over, his face is dry again, tears quietly wiped away while everyone was focused on Akiteru and his lover.

Akiteru comes up to meet them before he heads to the reception hall with his spouse, and it’s quick, because they’re still worried things might not be perfect and want to check everything’s in order. Akiteru hugs his mom, Tadashi, and Tsukishima in that order, and Tadashi gets to meet his partner.

Nice, Tadashi thinks. But from everything he’s been through, Tadashi knows just one conversation isn’t enough to really know a person.

Still, the interaction is enough to ground Tadashi. He got too emotional, before; he’s only lucky because a lot of people cry during weddings, and it’s a lot more noticeable that Tsukishima’s mother cried from the puffy red in her eyes. Akiteru made a joke about it before he left.

They mingle for about fifteen minutes before they make their way to the reception; the ceremony was small, and it’s mostly just Tadashi standing on the sidelines while Akiteru’s friends try to get Tsukishima to make small talk.

The drive to the reception hall is silent. Tsukishima’s mom is still too raw to make conversation with them, and Tadashi can’t really bring himself to say anything, either. It’s strange that Tsukishima doesn’t say anything at all, though. He wonders if he didn’t like Akiteru’s partner. He never brought the topic up, and he never seemed like he liked talking about the wedding, either.

Tadashi can talk to him about it at some point. Not now, at the wedding, but later. He guesses it must be strange to watch your older brother get married. Though, now that he doesn’t like Akiteru anymore, he kind of thinks as him as an older brother, too.

Eventually, they pull into the parking lot and start to shuffle out of the car, but before they can head into the reception hall, Tsukishima looks at his mom and says, “We’ll follow you. I have to talk to Yamaguchi alone.”

She cocks her head to the side, but Tadashi watches her look into Tsukishima’s eyes and it’s like they’re saying something Tadashi can’t really catch, for how long he’s known both of them. “They’re both still getting dressed, so you have time,” she says. “But don’t take too long, okay?”

“Mm,” Tsukishima says, closing his hand around Tadashi’s wrist, and his mother turns to enter the building.

“What are you talking about?” Tadashi finally says, but instead of answering, Tsukishima just pulls him along. “Where are you taking me?”

Tsukishima’s leading him somewhere behind the reception hall, confidently even though the walk there is strange and takes a while. He must have come here before, Tadashi thinks, to help set up. Tadashi’s not surprised, because even though he acts the way he does, Tsukishima’s still a nice person, but he kind of feels weird about not being invited. He offered to help, a couple of times, and every time, Akiteru said there was so much stuff to be done he’d probably take him up on that.

It’s nothing to worry about now, though. But it’s still strange.

Eventually, a fountain comes into view, and they’re in a small garden by the back entrance of the reception hall. It’s probably for photoshoots, but it’s already on the back end of sunset, and if Akiteru took pictures here, they’ve been done for a while.

Tsukishima takes him to a corner of the garden behind one of those tall shaped hedges and then lets go of his wrist.

“Wow, it’s really pretty here!” Tadashi says. “I’m glad you showed it to me. But, uh, you could have just brought me here later, you know? After the speeches.”

“Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima says, not acknowledging anything he said, and he moves to put a hand on his shoulder.

They’re standing right in front of each other, and this position is awkward and not one they’ve ever really been in before. Tadashi can’t make sense of Tsukishima’s expression, lit by the orange of the sun. “I guess it’s, uh… nice to see the sunset, though. Tsukki?”

“Yamaguchi, are you okay?” Tsukishima asks, and every word comes out like he’s choking on it. It’s not the kind of thing Tsukishima asks him usually – if he thinks he’s sad, he just does something he thinks will cheer him up – and Tadashi feels his stomach turn.

“Of course I am,” Tadashi says, flashing Tsukishima a wide grin, but he just sighs.

“I saw you crying.” Tsukishima’s voice is flat and he’s not looking at Tadashi, but the hand on he left on his shoulder tightens a little. “I know I’m not… good, at things like this. But it’s okay if you’re upset. I’ll stay with you, here. Until you feel okay again.”

The words are enough to pluck at something in Tadashi’s heart, and he almost breaks down. But instead, he says, “That’s… I, uh— I really appreciate it! But I’m not really… upset, you know? It was just a really beautiful ceremony, and I guess I—”

“You’re a bad liar. I’ve told you before,” Tsukishima says, exhaling again, but his eyes are too soft, for the things he’s saying. “It’s fine, Yamaguchi. Stop lying. If you need to cry, just do it. I’ll stay with you.”

I’ll stay with you. It’s everything, then, what Tsukishima is offering Tadashi (the exact kind of thing that he hates doing) and the softness of his voice and the pink in the sky that Tadashi knows will fade to black, and before he realizes it, there are tears flowing from his eyes again.

Tadashi’s vision goes blurry, and maybe it’s better, that it’s harder for him to see the person who’s comforting him who is the same reason that he’s crying, but then two skinny arms wrap around him and his face is buried into Tsukishima’s shirt and it’s warm, and it’s warm, and Tadashi wails.

The hug is awkward and weird but it’s Tsukishima and that single moment feels like having everything he’s ever wanted and losing it at the same time. Tsukishima tightens his arms around Tadashi, and he can’t stop thinking it. I’ll stay with you.

“You know, I…” Tsukishima starts to say, and his voice is strange, like he’s barely aware of the words coming out of his mouth. “I always thought I’d hate Akiteru, if he accepted your confession. But I think he’s stupid for rejecting you, too.”

For a moment, everything in Tadashi stops. The things he’s saying that he thinks will comfort Tadashi… Tsukishima’s never been good at comforting people with words, Tadashi never expected that from him, but the things he’s saying just don’t make sense, and then something inside Tadashi’s chest rises.

He stops burying his face into Tsukishima, and he’s confused, but Tadashi looks up at him and can’t stop thinking about his face. The expression on Akiteru’s face during the ceremony, and the one on Tsukishima’s face while he looks at him.

He wonders if he’s just never been able to recognize it until now.

“I haven’t liked Akiteru-kun since middle school.”

It takes a minute for it to sink in, and Tadashi can’t tear his eyes away from his face, the way his eyebrow furrows just slightly. “I don’t understand,” Tsukishima says. “If that’s true, why are you crying?”

“Tsukki,” Tadashi asks, “why was Akiteru-kun stupid for rejecting me?”

Tsukishima looks away from him then, and Tadashi swears he can see pink on his cheeks, even by the dim light of the setting sun.

Tadashi still remembers Akasaka. Beautiful, and nice, and brave. He remembers how vulnerable she’d let herself be, how strongly she’d declared her feelings for Tsukishima. The way she cried after he turned her down.

But Tadashi just watched his first love get married, felt the happiness flowing through the room, saw the look on his face, and his chest is soaring.

For the first time in years, he’s not afraid anymore.

“I’m in love with you, Tsukki. It took me— It took me a long time to realize it, and then a long time to say it, but I’m in love with you.”

“That doesn’t— it doesn’t make sense,” Tsukishima says. “I…”

Tsukishima is so pretty, by the light of the streetlamp. In the nice pressed dress shirt Tadashi soaked with his tears. He can’t stop thinking about it. “The way I feel about you, it’s— it’s different from the way I felt about Akiteru, when we were kids. About Yacchan, when I just met her. Did you know? It’s just always been so different, I—”

Tsukishima is looking at him, in a way Tadashi thinks he’s seen before.

“I didn’t even realize it was love. Because it was so much more.” Tadashi reaches up, to touch Tsukishima’s cheek like he’s always wanted to. “It’s just— I’ve always known, also. Firsthand. How much it hurts, to be someone that loves you, and is brave enough to tell you, and then gets rejected. But...”

Tsukishima’s face is warm, underneath Tadashi’s hand.

“I think it’s been years, already. That I’ve wanted to kiss you. So, Tsukki, can I—?”

Tsukishima moves his hands from Tadashi’s waist to his shoulders, and then threads them through his hair. His eyes are so wide. Tadashi can even see it through his glasses. “I’d be stupid to reject you,” Tsukishima says, and his voice is a little hoarse, but he leans down to press his mouth to Tadashi’s, and for second, everything disappears around them.

It’s clumsy, and neither of them really know how to kiss, but it’s everything, too, at the same time. Tadashi almost can’t believe it, that he’s known Tsukishima for such a long time, but he never knew that he could get so warm.

When they pull away, the air is around them is crackling with something Tadashi knows the name of. Like it was during the ceremony, but different and louder and bigger. Coming from Tadashi himself, instead of just being absorbed by it.

“You’d be stupid to reject me, huh?” Tadashi asks, staring up at Tsukishima, his arms still around his neck. “You’re so cool, Tsukki!”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima says, his face cherry red, and Tadashi pulls him down to kiss him again.

When Tsukishima decides to finally let him breathe and the world comes back together around them, Tadashi hears faint music coming from the reception hall and remembers they’re waiting for them. “We should go back in,” he says, even though he doesn’t really want to.

Tsukishima doesn’t look like he wants to, either, but he presses his lips to Tadashi’s hair and says, “You’re right,” and then takes his hand, for the first time.

It’s already been a long time since the sky turned dark, but as Tsukishima pulls him along, Tadashi can’t stop thinking about how strongly he feels it, between their interlocked fingers, in the air around them, in the comforting weight in his chest.

Sunrise.