Chapter Text
There are some parts about The Gay Experience, you reflect, that though new feel really fucking tired already. Realistically, Grindr has only been a thing for, what, definitely no more than 10 years, and it hasn’t been popular that whole time, so this can’t constitute a tradition. And yet …
Terezi taps at your phone again, giggling. Which could be a sign that the guy she just favourited on your behalf is horrific, in one of any number of ways that you’ve come to expect from your ill-advised Grindr account. It’s very fucking unlikely that she’s laughing out of delight in having found your soulmate.
You’re not the romantic you were in high school. Well, you are, but that’s not getting you anywhere. So whatever, you have an account and you use it almost like it’s another mobile game, one that features a lot of unsolicited pictures of cocks and that made you feel obliged to spend an hour in front of the mirror trying to push yourself into one of the many gay pigeonholes of body description because heaven forbid they just look at your fucking pictures. (You never decided. You left your Grindr “tribe” unselected and have an irrational rage towards anyone who has it figured out.)
Sometimes you get a good texting session going with someone. Even rarer you meet up with one. For all that it is supposed to make it easier to make a connection, you’ve had sex with the same number of dudes from Grindr as you have from the library. That’s much more of an inditement on the app than it is a recommendation for the library as a source of hook-ups.
Terezi lets loose an absolute cackle and turns your own screen towards you so you can see what she’s showing you. The bio is almost incomprehensible, except for the race-fetishist stuff.
‘Yeah, that’s pretty fucking standard,’ you say, exiting his profile before she can do anything. ‘I have no idea why that’s the first impression every fifth assnugget wants to make, but I guess they must run into the other idiots on here and get encouraged.’
‘This guy has a dog!’ she says, already moving on. ‘You should date him so you can meet his dog.’
‘Ah, and the reason you’re with Serket comes out,’ you say dryly.
She pinches your nose as punishment and you squawk in protest. She’s not fucking gentle. You self-consciously tap on the favourite icon for the dog owner, taking the phone from her hand so you can drive for a bit. Not for the dog! He’s just kind of cute, that’s all. (Okay, so it’s a fucking husky. You’d fuck a guy to get to pat a dog that fluffy, or at least this guy, anyway.)
‘Wait …’ you say, looking at one of the profiles that has just appeared amongst the grid of pictures. You know this guy. ‘Holy shit, is that—’
‘Dave Strider?’ Terezi exclaims.
You tap to bring his profile full screen and try and hold the phone closer to read his bio, but Terezi’s crowding you and you have to share the screen. He hasn’t used his full name, but you’d recognise him anywhere.
‘Oh my God,’ Terezi says, almost hushed. ‘It is him.’
‘What the actual fuck! He used to bully me in high school for being gay! Are you fucking—’
Terezi grabs your phone from you, needing it closer to make up for her appalling vision despite her fancy glasses, and her thumb slips over the screen. The tiny fire icon at the top of his bio fills in.
You both freeze. That’s not a favourite, not like pressing a button so you can come back to his profile later and stare at it while you consider messaging him. That’s a tap. He’s going to get a notification. You’re a fucking lurker, you don’t tap people, you tentatively message polite men back if you’re feeling brave and otherwise stare at pictures of guys you’re never going to date.
‘No no no,’ you whisper.
You’re just going to have to throw your phone in the garbage disposal. It’s not like you enjoy having a device that enforces social availability at literally all times and besides, you have a landline for unknown reasons, and maybe you don’t even want to talk to anyone else for the rest of your miserable life, which is only going to be until the end of this next thought anyway, because clearly you’re about to strangle both yourself and Terezi with your large intestines.
A little orange notification tells you that Dave hasn’t just seen your tap, he’s taken it upon himself to message you. Before you can warn Terezi that there’s an 85% chance she’s about to see a dick, she taps on that as well, clearly having not learned her lesson about touching your phone at all.
D: you know the thing about taps is that theyre just fuckin generic
D: and usually i wouldnt respond because imo its the equivalent of a tiny kitten paw patting at the cuff of my jeans without any followup or
D: wait no thats adorable and super appealing
D: something just as timid but that i wouldnt respond to
D: except youre pretty cute and youre not an asshole in your bio so like
D: ill be the bigger man and start a fucking conversation seeing as this train is like three whole minutes late anyway and if i have to be left alone with my thoughts for any period of time i will do the most impressive forward dive with 2 1/2 somersaults and a twist in pike position off of this handle i’m perched on
Oh God. You snatch your phone back so that you can reply.
CG: YOU DON’T FUCKING RECOGNISE ME, DO YOU?
D: holy shit did a celebrity tap me?
D: hahahha that sounds hilarious
D: but are you famous for real
D: you have to answer its like if you ask a cop if theyre a cop but even more absolutely a real law and totally not made up
CG: SHOVED DEAD MICE DOWN ANYONE’S PANTS RECENTLY, YOU VILE UNDULATING SHITHEAD?
D: cant say i have
D: is that
D: hold up one sec
You put down your phone and bury your face in your hands. You can’t believe you messaged him back. You can’t believe you didn’t just take advantage of him not knowing you. You have the worst fucking temper and it never comes out when it might be useful, like when you were actually being bullied by this fuckstain, but now that he’s just a cute guy messaging you on an app you’re too nervous to use, sure, now you can yell at him.
‘Don’t be a weenie, Karkat,’ Terezi says, nudging you. ‘It’s not the end of the world. You embarrass yourself all the time and you haven’t died yet.’
‘You don’t get to reassure me,’ you snap. ‘You are at the top of my shitlist, and considering this entire situation is competing for that position, that’s impressive. Gold medal for Terezi, I hate you more than I hate what is happening right now and more than I hate myself.’
Terezi rolls her eyes and shoves you, standing up and making her way to the fridge as if she’s snacky now that she’s ruined your life. You wonder if it’s worth the effort of having a tantrum now or if you should save it for when Dave replies, presumably with something so cutting and hilarious that you piss your pants and your entire school is transported into your apartment to point and laugh at your misery.
Your phone makes a noise to inform you that your death is indeed imminent, or rather that you have a new message, because it doesn’t realise what a portent of doom that is. You unlock it reluctantly.
D: karkat i am so fucking sorry i put mice down your pants
D: also that i pantsed you that one time in gym
D: also for that rap i did for the talent show omg that was not cool
D: also for making your locker waterproof and then filling it with toilet water so all your stuff got wrecked and you got dunked with toilet water when you unlocked it
CG: I THINK I GET THE PICTURE.
D: holy shit i was so mean to you?
D: like thats just what i can think of off the top of my head and i keep thinking of more
D: like that time i drew dicks all over your car
D: or when i trapped you in the chemistry classroom when all the teachers had gone home holy shit how did you even get out?
D: oh god karkat do you remember when i just straight up poured chilli on your head at lunch completely unprompted?
D: i was a fucking psycho!
CG: WEREN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE CATCHING A TRAIN?
D: yeah i missed that ill get the next one
D: oh fuck i was the worst
D: karkat man i am so so sorry
D: and im sorry i didnt recognise you like that is just insulting right
D: in my defense
D: you know
CG: I KNOW??
CG: OH, I’M SORRY, AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE INNER WORKINGS OF THE BRAIN THAT ALSO CAME UP WITH “HEY, WOULDN’T IT BE FUNNY IF EVERYONE PRETENDED KARKAT IS INVISIBLE FOR A WHOLE FUCKING WEEK?”
CG: YOU CONVINCED MRS SNYDER TO MARK ME AS ABSENT!
D: well yeah because she couldnt see shit to begin with
D: like in retrospect she was a pretty good teacher but why the fuck would a legally blind person teach at a high school thats just begging for trouble
D: half the class just put their backpacks on chairs and then fucked off for like half an hour do you remember that?
CG: YES, EXCEPT I NEVER *DID*, BECAUSE I VALUED MY FUCKING EDUCATION AND I HAD PERFECT ATTENDENCE UNTIL YOU CONVINCED HER I WASN’T THERE.
D: haha yeah that was a dick move
D: sorry
CG: SO WHAT DO I KNOW?
D: what
CG: YOU SAID “in my defense you know” AND THEN NEVER FINISHED YOUR THOUGHT.
D: oh just you know
CG: NO???
D: well you dont exactly look the same
CG: NO SHIT?? IT’S BEEN A FUCKING DECADE? I STILL FUCKING RECOGNISED YOU!
D: no okay but when we were at school you were
D: look dont be offended
CG: THAT’S SUCH A GOOD STARTER. OBVIOUSLY NOW I AM NOT ALLOWED TO TAKE OFFENSE.
D: exactly
CG: NO YOU FUCKWIT I TAKE OFFENSE DOUBLY AS MUCH!
D: i didnt even say anything yet
CG: DO YOU HAVE TO?? AFTER “DON’T BE OFFENDED”???
CG: HEY DAVE, DON’T BE OFFENDED, BUT YOU’RE SUCH A REPELLANT HUMAN BEING THAT I JUST RECEIVED A CALL FROM NASA WANTING TO STUDY HOW THE FUCK I MANAGED TO STAY TALKING TO YOU FOR SO LONG.
CG: I TOLD THEM I HAD NO IDEA, CLEARLY I HATE MYSELF MORE THAN ANY HUMAN HAS EVER HATED HIMSELF IN THE HISTORY OF THE PLANET, OR I WOULDN’T PUT UP WITH IT!
CG: THEY SAID THAT THEY’RE GOING TO GIVE ME A PRIZE, BECAUSE I’VE BEATEN THE WORLD RECORD FOR TOLERATING YOU.
CG: CONGRATULATIONS TO ME! THE CROWD GOES WILD AND THEN STARTS FORNICATING MADLY OUT OF SHEER APPRECIATION FOR MY ACHIEVEMENT.
D: wow
You’re actually breathing a bit heavily. You put your phone down and join Terezi in the kitchen.
‘How’s it going?’ she asks.
You dip your fingers under the tap as you fill a glass with water and flick them in her direction. She’s entirely unphased.
‘I’m bored now,’ she says. ‘Want to come with me to bother Vriska at work?’
‘I understand that it’s hilarious that she has to be polite to us when she’s at work, but it’s not as funny as you think it is.’
‘But Karkat, the uniform!’
‘Again, comedy gold the first time we went and ate there. It’s starting to just be “eating at a diner” now. Like, we could at least go some place that has actually decent food.’
She scowls at you while you drink your water. Your heart is beating fast and heavy in your chest and your palms are all hot against the glass. You’re nervous to see if Dave has responded. It doesn’t matter if he’s responded.
‘Well I’m not going to stay here,’ Terezi says. ‘High school is done and I’m not interested in hearing about whatever completely mundane nightmares you give yourself by dwelling on this all day.’
‘He literally shoved me in a locker once!’
‘You got into the locker willingly, Karkat, I was there. He said you couldn’t do it, and you got into the locker to prove him wrong.’
‘He still locked me in!’
But she’s clearly not interested in your drama. You have the tendency to blow the wrong things out of proportion for Terezi. When you’re going on a tirade about the injustice that is almost nowhere serving vegan friendly meals despite not being a vegan yourself, she’s generally amused. When the two of you are competing to insult Sollux the worst, she’s right there with you. But when you get like this, with all that intensity directed at yourself … you get why she isn’t interested. But you can’t shut off the part of you that’s self-involved well past the “funny” level.
‘I want lunch anyway,’ Terezi says. ‘Are you coming or not?’
You make an effort to not seem all sorry for yourself as you turn her down. She still hugs you before she leaves and you guess that you’ll try not to imagine her hating you for the rest of the day. You’ve got more important things to think about.
Your phone sits innocently on the couch where you left it. Too innocently.
D: i really forgot you did that
D: like i was just having a good old reminisce in this rocking chair while i chewed on tobacco about the good ol days where i was a real dick of a child and you took the brunt of that
D: but it wasnt all mousey pants time was it
D: you took a lot of it with impressive resignation and scowling
D: like you definitely heard that bit at the antibullying assembly where they said if you ignore it maybe theyll lose interest
D: holy shit i was a bully
D: fuck i mean i didnt even have a square face and dental problems the cartoons misled me on the fundamental ways to identify a bully
D: turns out the key identifying feature is “were they bullying someone”
D: okay anyway that awful realisation aside
D: sometimes you just let me have it and it was so impressive every time
D: i loved it when you did that fuck thats messed up
D: and that one time where you came up to me and i hadnt even done anything yet or not that day anyway and you just gave me this full blown lecture
D: didnt let me get a word in and my words sneak past the hardiest of verbal walls
D: all about how yes you were gay but it didnt make you less of a person and what did it matter anyway because it wasnt like you were getting up to an abundance of homosexual activities because it turns out that being the punching bag of a bored shitprince isnt exactly what most dudes want out of a boyfriend should they be in the market for one
D: and like i knew you were because
D: okay no i didnt but everyone thought you were because you acted like how we thought gay people acted like you were in drama club and you had legitimate feelings about english assignments and you couldnt throw a basketball to save your life
D: and i cant even say it wasnt about you being gay but i really didnt think it was at the time
D: i was just fascinated by you and by the fact that you owned what was in my mind something i would have been keeping hidden if i was able to acknowledge it at all
D: like if i was gay in high school
D: which yes i will acknowledge the ridiculous of phrasing this like a hypothetical but at the time i thought it was a hypothetical
D: im not exactly 100% on the gay team here i still like girls and i did then so i had some plausible deniability
D: but i knew that if i was gay in high school i would not be acting even slightly in a way that would have given me away
D: not a single thing about me would have said gay except for maybe kissing boys or whatever
D: at which i would be the best
D: i assumed that in this hypothetical universe where i was gay that i would also turn the entire student body gay too
D: id have the hottest bf in the school
D: oh wait thatd be me
D: OH SNAP
D: um
D: i guess even now i struggle with like falling into what i see as stereotypes
D: like even caring too much about stuff
D: i could be on a date with a girl and think she looks beautiful and some stupid voice in the back of my head is like
D: wow you think a girl is beautiful thats PRETTY GAY BRO
D: anyway my deep seated emotional issues aside
D: whats up with you dude
D: this app is so fucked up why would there not be a way to delete messages youve sent
D: karkat ill pay you a million bucks not to read that
D: karkat
D: wait are you seriously not reading that
D: or this
D: dude i bared my soul you better fucking read it at least
You stare at your screen with your mouth hanging open in an absolutely uncontrollable expression of surprise. He might have forgotten about your tirades but you had also forgotten about his uncontested ability to continue to talk forever if not stopped. You hadn’t realised that also translated to text.
CG: I STEPPED AWAY FOR FIVE MINUTES.
D: oh hey dude
D: wassup
CG: WOW.
CG: WAS I SUPPOSED TO NOT BE OFFENDED BECAUSE YOU ACCURATELY DIAGNOSED ME WITH GAY IN HIGH SCHOOL?
D: no shit i totally got sidetracked there
D: i meant you were
D: look you were a tubby little kid with acne and no volume control
CG: THANK YOU??
D: yeah i didnt preface it with no offense for shits and giggles
CG: AND?
D: and you clearly grew up hot so
D: im not to blame for not connecting the you of high school who wore t shirts to swim days with the fucking model on my screen right now
He’s trying to flatter you. He wants you to forgive him, so he’s trying to flatter you. Except he’s shit at it, because first he took the time to remind you of your many flaws first.
Fuck it, you have to look at what pictures you put on your profile to assess whether he’s being a dick or not.
They’re good pictures of you, obviously, you wouldn’t put shit pictures up on a dating app, but they’re still just you. You can admit very quietly that you got lucky with a couple, but … Yeah, look, honestly it’s a huge upgrade from high school. You’d probably like yourself a lot more if you were able to let go of all your issues from back then.
D: sorry i made it weird
D: like weirder than it already was
D: and i made you talk to me for so long while basically unloading all my shit on you
D: would have been decent of me maybe to hear your thoughts on all that rather than what i just did?
D: fuck
D: can i just buy you a beer or something
D: i cant fuck that up
D: ill even just paypal you like $20 or something so you can just go and buy a sixpack and you dont have to interact with me further
CG: WERE YOU GOING SOMEWHERE?
D: what
CG: ON THE TRAIN, LIKE YOU’RE CLEARLY NEARBY RIGHT NOW, THAT’S HOW THIS STARTED.
D: oh just heading home
D: rose lives near here
D: like its a pain that i missed my train but another will happen literally any minute and its only a couple of stops
CG: THERE’S A BAR RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO MY APARTMENT.
CG: THE GEORGE?
D: yeah super close to the station
D: nice location dude
D: fuck i feel old
D: literally just complimented you on your real estate choice
CG: SHUT UP AND BUY ME LUNCH.
D: yeah
D: yeah ok i can do that