Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Bruce: Um, hello, my name is Bruce Wayne, I'm the owner of Wayne Enterprises and the head of this family.

~~~~~~~

Richard, Timothy, Damian, an unidentified young man and a blonde teenage girl are standing by the pool on the side across from Bruce, all in swimsuits and T-posing, while Bruce stares back at them with the eyes of a dying man and a mug of black coffee in hand.

~~~~~~~~

Barbara: My name is Barbara Gordon, and it's pretty obvious I'm not actually one of Bruce's kids. I joined the family as Dick's girlfriend, and even though we're not dating anymore, I stayed because they like me more than him anyway.

~~~~~~~~

"Suck my ass, Grayson," Barbara said calmly before somehow wheeling her chair backwards down one of the manor's flights of stairs. Throughout the whole ordeal, she didn't flinch. Not even once. Her burning glare directed at Richard remained unwavering.

~~~~~~~~

Richard: Hey there, I'm Dick Grayson! As you all know, I'm the oldest and the wittiest and the gossip in Gotham city is insidious-

~~~~~~~~~

Richard, along with the unidentified young man and blonde teenage girl dance what seems like a practiced choreography, each singing what also seem to be practiced lines. The stranger is wearing a red dress, Richard a blue one and the blonde a yellow one. One of the most prominent lyrics in the song seems to be "Work," sung repeatedly on multiple occasions.

~~~~~~~~~~

Cassandra: Cassandra Cain.

~~~~~~~~~~

An ice cream truck is in view and there's a crowd of children, but not in line for ice cream. They're watching something. In the middle of them all is Cassandra, breakdancing to the ice cream truck's jingle flawlessly. All of the children gaze at her in awe. Off-camera, her brothers can be heard cheering her on. The camera turns to Bruce, who is recording everything on his own phone and radiating pride.

~~~~~~~~~~

Stranger, Male: If any of us had done that, he would have disowned us. It's classic Bruce favoritism. I bet Goldie misses it now that it's all handed to Cass.

Interviewer: Who are you again?

Stranger, Male: The name's Jason. Podd.

Interviewer: That sounds an awful lot like Jason Todd, who we know for a fact is dead.

Jason: Hey, lady, I'm dead too!

Jason: On the inside.

~~~~~~~~~~

Off-camera, Damian and Timothy duet a scarily-accurate rendition of the famous badly-played flute version of "My Heart will Go On," while the camera shows newly-dubbed Jason staring out a window broodingly, wearing a black shirt that has the words "Daddy Issues" written in yellow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stranger, Female: I don't know why I'm unidentified?? I hang out with Tim all the time!

Interviewer: We're very sorry. Could you please introduce yourself either way?

Stranger, Female: So, hello viewers! My name is Stephanie Brown and I practically live in the manor because Tim and Cass are my best friends, but also because Bruce secretly loves me and wants to adopt me, no matter what he says to state otherwise!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Dad," Stephanie addresses Bruce, walking into the dining room.

"Don't call me that," Bruce responds, not looking up from his newspaper and taking a sip of his ever-present coffee mug.

"Daddy," Stephanie tries instead, only to hiss and run away immediately after, laughing hysterically, as Bruce sprays her with a water spray bottle labeled "Children, behave."

~~~~~~~~~~~

Tim: As you may all know, my name is Timothy Drake-

--------------

Jason: I bet Tim's going to be a smartass in his introduction.

--------------

Tim: -I'm currently the CEO of Wayne Enterprises, and future CEO of Drake Industries as well once I reach the age of twenty-one.

Interviewer: You seem to have a big life ahead of you!

Tim: ... Yes, you could say that...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The scene is a gala, more specifically one of Lex Luthor's. Timothy, who is holding what seems to be an alcoholic beverage and sporting a tired frown, is finally caught by one of the interviewers attending.

"What are you drinking there, teenage CEO?" The interviewer asks cheekily at one point, extending her microphone out to better hear Timothy's response.

"Dumb depressed bitch juice," Timothy replies with no hesitation, before gulping it all down in one swing, never breaking eye-contact with the camera while doing so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stranger, Female: I'm Harper Row!

Stranger, Male: And I'm Cullen Row!

Both, in unison: And you are watching Disney Channel!

-----------

Stephanie: Oh yeah, before this program recording thingie started, we dared Harper and Cullen- you'll meet them later- to do this thing. Haha, this Disney thing! It'll be hilarious. I hope from the bottom of my heart they do it.

~~~~~~~~~~

A compilation of Harper and Cullen Row imitating the famous "Team Rocket" pose unprovoked during random periods of the day is shown to the viewers. The complete Team Rocket motto is recited every single one of the clips, with Alfred the Cat, who was somehow trained by the two to meow at the right time, participating as Meowth.

~~~~~~~~~~

Duke: Um, yo, I'm Duke Thomas and this house is a fucking nightmare.

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Richard: Duke is pissed because he tried convincing us to leave him out of this but ultimately failed.

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Tim: I was the one who awakened the Viner in Duke, so I'm hoping he'll sneak a vine or two in his introduction for me, since it slipped my mind at the time.

~~~~~~~~~~~

A phone-recorded video is shown. The camera rustles a bit before revealing Duke Thomas, who winks at it before rushing over to a couch and grabbing a random book from the nearest table. He suddenly looks like he had been in that position for hours.

A young boy, Damian Wayne, walks into the room and suddenly a bucket of honey falls on him. There is a few seconds of demonic screeching before it pauses, Damian looking over at Duke threateningly.

"Isn't that Jason's bucket?" Duke raises an eyebrow, skimming the bucket briefly before looking back down at his book.

More demonic screeches are heard as Damian runs out of the room, shouting threats.

Duke smiles evilly at the camera and the video is cut.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Damian: I am Damian Wayne Al Ghul and I am Bruce Wayne's only blood son, and therefore, the one true heir.

Interviewer: But, isn't Tim currently the W.E. CEO?

Damian: Every teacher needs substitutes from time to time, fool.

~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel like your son could really benefit from our school, given his... discipline problems," a lady was telling Bruce, standing on his doorstep.

"Hn," Bruce grunted for her to continue. Normally he would politely decline, but that particular morning he couldn't drink his coffee in his favorite mug because one of Damian's critters had taken a dump in it. That alone marked the rest of Bruce's day.

Damian glared at him from where he had come to see who had arrived, but Bruce decided to ignore him this time.

"Right," the lady continues enthusiastically. "It's an all-boys school so they don't get distracted and fall under the bad influence of lusty girls-"

"I'm gay," Damian immediately interrupts her. Her mouth drops into a stunned gape.

"I- Beg your pardon?" She splutters.

Damian mantains his poker face and looks her in the eyes.

"Then beg."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Duke: The funniest part is that Damian later told me that he didn't actually know his sexuality. He just wanted to scare the lady away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alfred: I am Alfred Penyworth. I've been the Wayne Family butler for a long time now. I make sure the manor stays in one piece, which as you can see is not an easy task. As the only adult in that household, it is quite exhausting.

Interviewer: "Only adult"? What about Bruce, Mister Pennyworth?

Alfred: I don't believe I stuttered at all, Miss.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A compilation is showed to the viewers. It is seven minutes of Alfred raising a single eyebrow in displeasure. The caption reads "Behold, the Almighty Eyebrow!"

Even the most well-behaved of children feel a bit scolded when watching it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce: Um... so I'm supposed to make a... closing statement?

Interviewer: [Off-camera] [nod]

Bruce: Well, I just want to thank everyone for watching, and I hope my family's... frolicking is of entertainment to you all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jason: Wait.

Jason: He actually said "Frolicking?!"

Chapter Text

 The camera is shaking uncontrollably, and rapid footsteps are heard, revealing that the camera-man is running. When they finally stop and the lens focuses, it zooms in on the Wayne family shoving each other into a limo. Alfred is at the driver's seat, looking non-plussed. Bruce is next to him, on the passenger seat, fixing up his hair and trying to get Damian to calm down.

~~~~~~~~

Dick: Today we're doing some back-to-school shopping!

------

Jason: Only the brat, Duke, Steph and the Row siblings go to school, and yet somehow we all have to go shopping.

------

Barbara: I don't even live in the manor, but I came along. I feel like it will be interesting.

~~~~~~~~

"Little Row, hurry up so we can get this over with!" Jason screams out the car window.

Cullen finally stumbles into the car and everyone claps sarcastically. Without any more dwindling, Alfred drives away.

"We should play a game," Stephanie offers.

"Like what?" Duke leans forward, interested.

"How about I-spy? I'll start." She looks around briefly. "I spy with my little eye... something black!"

"Is it Bruce's shirt?" Tim asks immediately. Steph scowls at him.

~~~~~~

Tim: It was Bruce's shirt.

~~~~~~

"Tim, of course not! I'm not going to be that stupidly obvious!"

~~~~~~

Steph: ... Yeah, it was Brucie's shirt. I was trying to do some reverse psychology. Freaking Tim...

~~~~~~

The family arrives at the store. It's Wal-mart. The camera zooms in on the logo as the children all groan.

"Really, Bruce?" Tim asks his father. Bruce stares back sternly.

"It's the place where we suffer the least when you eventually break something."

~~~~~~~~

Tim: That.... was fair.

~~~~~~~

"We're splitting up into five pairs," Bruce announces. "Each will have a student and a non-student. I need the non-students to help the students get whatever they need. Alfred and I will meet you back here at the entrance in exactly two hours."

"I'm going with Cass!" Stephanie exclaims, grabbing the other girl's elbow and receiving a small smile in return.

"Duke, you're with me," Barbara commands before wheeling away, Duke following close behind her.

"Grayson-"

"Oh no, you little brat," Harper cuts Damian off, giving him a small playful slap on the back of his head. "Dick promised me he would show me Wal-Mart's secret passages next time we came. Your favoritism won't get in the way of that. Let's go, Grayson!"

Dick gives Damian an apologetic smile before running after Harper.

"Oh shit," Jason curses, realizing who was left. "I dib tiny Harper!"

He hoists Cullen over his shoulder despite the other's weak protests and sprints away. Hearing the ruckus, Tim finally looks up from his tablet, and is unable to hide the dread on his face when the reality of having to pair up with Damian dawns on him.

~~~~~~~

Tim: I was fine with partnering up with whoever was left because I had been sure Dick and the demon would partner up with each other! I'm going to kill Harper.

~~~~~~~

The camera does a slow one-over of Wal-Mart, before zooming in on the entrance, where Bruce and Alfred can be seen walking out together.

~~~~~~~

Bruce: I felt like Alfred and I have rarely had time lately to just talk and enjoy each other's company, so I decided to do it while the kids were distracted. We went to a nearby Cat Café. Alfred has taken a fondness for cats ever since Damian named his after him.

~~~~~~~~

"There was one around here. It was the first one I found," Dick says, arm up to his shoulder inside the milk fridge. "Are you sure you don't want to get your school supplies first?"

"It'd be kinda hard to carry them through the passages anyway," Harper points out. "And the real question is why were you hanging out inside a milk fridge long enough to find a whole passage?"

Dick shrugs. "I think Wally dared me to do it or something- Found it!"

Then, without a single other word, Dick climbs inside the fridge until he is no longer visible.

"What the fuck," Harper whispers.

~~~~~~~~~~

Dick: Wally didn't dare me. Bruce had grounded me so I had gone around recording myself doing the weirdest things out of spite.

~~~~~~~~~~

Steph twirls once again in front Cass, holding a summer dress in front of her body.

"I prefer more comfortable clothes, but we can buy two of these and match during the next Wayne outing!" She tells Cass, who smiles back and nods.

Suddenly, the two girls' heads snap to the same direction. The camera turns and zooms in, revealing a woman hiding behind a clothing rack and smiling at Steph and Cass. She doesn't seem to notice- or mind- that she was caught.

"Is she looking at us?" Steph whispers, crouching a bit in hopes to escape the woman's sight. Cass takes one last look before also crouching and nodding.

"I would ask her what she wants but I'm not up to social interaction right now. It's six in the morning and I didn't have time to drink my hot chocolate."

Cass perks up. "Marshmellows," she suggests, making Stephanie's expression brighten as well.

"Yes! Let's get of all kinds and then record Bruce's reaction. Hopefully the creepy lady leaves by then."

Still crouched, the two sneak away from the clothes area.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Duke: I got what I needed fairly quickly, since I'm not picky with my school materials. That left Babs and I pretty bored, though.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Try this one on," Barbara suggests, giving Duke another pair or glasses frames. He took them happily, putting them on.

"I kinda wish I needed glasses sometimes. They're pretty nice," he admits, looking in the mirror.

"Not when you're actually told you need them," Barbara reasons, trying on a pair herself. "You learn to love them later, though. Have you ever considered buying the fake ones?"

"Yeah, but then I feel weird, I don't know. It wasn't a thing we did at my old school."

Barbara hums in contemplation. Then, she wheels away from the Vision Center, letting Duke follow her.

"I know where they sell them. We can get some for the others too."

~~~~

"Drake, I would like to inform you that I don't need to do this shopping. I already had as soon as the previous school year ended, with Pennyworth," Damian's tone is haughty as usual, but his words don't have any malice in them, so Tim decides not to antagonize him.

"Alright. Is there anything else you want to do?"

"Not in this store."

"We can't leave," Tim points out. His face then suddenly breaks into a grin. "I have an idea, though. Let's go to the clothing section."

"Why?"

"Just trust me," Tim waves him off. "It's Robin tradition."

~~~~~~

Cullen: Jason was making finding my school materials a competition. I would have been happier about saying that except I got my butt kicked in it and I'm the student out of the two of us.

------

Jason: Why do I feel like someone indirectly called me old in their aside? Who was it, camera-man? Spill.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Your cart is empty," Jason cackles, dropping six binders in his own cart.

"I got an extra one just in case," he informs Cullen before rushing off again.

"It's not empty! I have the notebooks!" Cullen argues.

"Yeah, and I have everything else," Jason brags.

His smirk falls suddenly as something catches his eye.

Following his line of sight, Cullen sees it. There, on the top shelf was the bookbag the boy had mentioned he wanted. The two make eye-contact before rushing over to the shelf, Jason with an obvious advantage.

Cullen, deciding that that wasn't going to stop him, jumps on the other's back, catching him by surprise and throwing him off-balance. They both fall to the ground, wrestling over who gets the bookbag points.

"Um... sirs, you can't do that here," a timid employee tells them. He looks like he's about to have a mental breakdown, so after about two more seconds of wrestling, the two finally stand up.

"You look like you need to talk, pal," Jason pats the employee on the back. The guy looks like he could maybe be older than Tim, but is definitely younger than Jason.

"We're pretty much done with the list, so we can hear you out," he reassures the employee. Cullen mentally debates it for a while before nodding along.

The employee looks wary, but like he really needs to vent, so he lets Jason and Cullen help him sit down on one of the shelves to hear him out.

~~~~~~~~

Cullen: His name's Theo and Jason and I are invited to his next movie night with his friends.

~~~~~~~~~

"She doesn't stop staring at us," Stephanie complains directly to the camera, both her and Cass now in one of the school aisles. "What does she want?"

'Ask,' Cass signs. Stephanie shakes her head.

"What if it's a trap or something?" She argues. Cass gives her a doubtful look but shrugs.

"Hey, is that a giant sharpie?" Steph points. The camera turns and true enough, a huge sharpie is there, at the entrance of the aisle. Stephanie and Cass' eyes shine and they quickly hurry towards it.

"It's for testing!" Stephanie exclaims joyfully. She smiles at Cass evilly. Her smile is returned.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Steph: So, as a woman of culture, I showed The Bee Movie to Cass a few months ago. She hated it, and so do I, but we memorized the whole script anyway. It's actually helped her improve her writing a lot!

~~~~~~~~~~~

"I sense Steph creating chaos somewhere," Dick says ominously, the tunnel he's in giving his voice an echo. Harper shoots him a look.

"How does sensing that even feel?"

"Well, it's like a lot of dead memes suddenly attack my mind, like a slideshow, and the intro to Wreck-It-Ralph is playing in the background."

"Sounds freaky."

"It's terrifying," Dick nods.

"So, we have covered the milk fridge passage, the claw machine which I won't even question-"

"And the back garden passage," Dick nods once again.

"Is there any left?"

"One left," Dick grins. "My favorite."

~~~~~~~~~

Tim is cackling as Damian jumps out from inside the rack and scares yet another lady. Her screech makes the baby in the stroller she was pushing laugh, which thankfully makes her laugh too.

"How did this become a Robin tradition?" Damian asks Tim once their laughter has died down.

"Well, just like with many things, Dick started it. He told me that even though he liked shopping up to a certain extent, he still got pretty bored if it took too long, so he would pretend the clothing racks were a jungle or something, and he accidentally scared a lady who told him that had been the most interesting thing to happen to her all day. He decided to scare people on purpose after that."

"An unnoble action for a noble cause," Damian nods sacredly, and Tim has to resist the urge to tell him not to read so much into it.

"Hey, wanna try to trick the blood pressure machine at the pharmacy?" He asks instead, which earns him an earnest nod.

~~~~~~

Tim: I'll admit, pairing up with Damian was actually really fun.

~~~~~~

Meanwhile, Duke and Barbara have what seems to be a booth of fashion advice. There's a small line of people that are coming to ask for their opinions, and Barbara and Duke seem to be taking their jobs very seriously.

"I got the glasses, but which flower crown do you think suits her the best, Duke?" Barbara asks, scanning the blonde girl in front of her.

Duke gives her one look before turning back to the guy he had been helping.

"Baby blue."

"You heard the man! Go on, try them on," she tells the girl encouragingly. The girl smiles and runs to the mirror.

"It's a hard-knock life," Barbara says, her smile satisfied, contradicting her words.

"Amen," Duke nods.

~~~~~~~

Barbara: And that was after we organized the food shelves and superhero t-shirts. I just feel like it's nice to help the employees from time to time.

~~~~~~~

"Aoyama is still following us," Stephanie whispers, frustrated, peeking at their stalker from behind the book aisle. Cass quietly puts a few books in the cart before taking a look too.

"Aoyama?" She asks. Stephanie nods.

"Because she's a stalker... You'll understand in our next movie night."

"Ask," Cass says firmly. Steph gapes at her.

"I'm not doing that," she hisses. Cass glares back.

"I do it, then."

With that, she marches over to the lady.

"What?" Cass asks the woman, tilting her head.

"Do you want to try the newest food sample that's arrived? I heard your blonde friend say she was hungry and I thought she'd appreciate it!" The woman says cheerfully.

"What?!" Stephanie screams from behind the book aisle before running out too. "Why didn't you just come and say that, then?!"

"Because you were glaring at me," the apparent employee pouts.

~~~~~~~

Steph: I almost missed the chance of free food!!

~~~~~~~

Harper's on her third cup of coffee, and the cookies that came along with it are to die for.

Dick's latest passage had taken them to the employee lounge, were they're currently hanging out with two employees that were in their break. They all seem to be familiar enough with Dick to not be alarmed by his sudden appearance.

"Take that!" Harper cheers as her Daisy hits Dick's Yoshi with a green shell. The two employees had brought their 3DS and let Harper and Dick borrow them while they ate. Harper found bringing your 3DS to work a bit weird, but decided not to complain.

"Excuse me, to all of the attendants in this store," the PA says. It's Jason's voice.

~~~~~~~

Dick: And then I somehow knew I was screwed. Just, specifically me.

----

Jason: Dick is such a narcissist.

~~~~~~~

"I just want you to know that Richard John Grayson, eldest son of Bruce Wayne, sleeps in elephant boxers. Dumbo-themed," Jason says, before very loud laughter is heard.

"I'm going to kill him," Dick smiles threateningly, turning off the 3DS and putting it down on the table gently before sprinting out of the lounge. Harper is too busy laughing to follow him, but he knows she'll catch up eventually.

On his way, he finds Tim and Damian, who are looking awfully apprehensive.

"What did you do?" He asks, eyes narrowed.

"The pulse machine broke, but you don't need to know how," Tim answers, sharing look with Damian.

~~~~~~~~

Tim: I told Damian to make his heartbeat imperceptible, and the machine crashed...

~~~~~~~~

Dick sighs but nods. "Do you know where the control room is?"

"No, but we'll help you find it," Tim offers. Damian nods.

"I cannot wait to witness T- Podd's inevitable death."

"We heard Jason's gonna die," Steph runs towards them with Cass in tow. Steph carrying an unholy amount of chicken samples and Cass an unholy amount of marshmallow bags. "And we're here for it."

"No killing Jason," Barbara rolls in, with a bouquet of flowers. Duke is holding another one behind her. "I need him to discuss classical literature."

"Yeah right, you two trade Voltron fanfiction," Duke laughs.

"Guess Jason's not the only one dying," Barbara replies casually, inspecting her now red nails.

"Where did you guys get that?" Dick asks.

"We helped some people so they bought us flowers and painted our nails," Duke explains, showing his yellow nails.

"You all look like you're having a nice calm chat down there," Jason says over the PA again. "It'd be a shame if someone were to... ruin it."

~~~~~

"Loop the 2019 Dora trailer," Jason orders. Theo chuckles and shoots him a look but puts it on without complaint.

~~~~~

Jason: Did I fail to mention that my newest friend Theo is the store manager's favorite nephew? Amazing how far making a single friend can take you.

~~~~~

Bruce walks in and sees all of his children pretending to be writhing in pain on the floor, and hears Jason and Cullen's- also very exaggerated- laughs on the store's PA.

Sighing, he takes a deep breath and recalls all of his children's cute moments, to remind himself that this parenting thing is worth it no matter what.

His resolve strengthened, he levels the worst glare he can muster at his children, who immediately stand up straight.

"Go pay for your stuff and we're leaving," he orders, before walking away to find Jason and Cullen.

~~~~~~~

Dick: Sure, we had to pay for the pulse machine, the giant sharpie that was unusable after Cass and Steph raided it, and a few other things Cullen and Jason broke in their fight, but all in all I think it was a pretty successful trip, compared to others.

----

Stephanie: Okay, but just as we were walking out of the store I swear I heard the snap of a camera, right? But then when I look back it's just the samples lady smiling and waving at me. It was so weird.

----

Harper: Oh crap, I forgot to get my school supplies-

Chapter Text

Duke: People seriously still watch this?

Camera-woman: We're rolling.

Duke, turning to the camera: Thanks for tuning in to watch Keeping Up With The Waynes- for some reason. Today, we're going to be playing a game Dick insisted on: Quelf!

Duke: Just know that, if we die, I was the sanest Wayne to step foot in this mansion.

~~~

The camera shows Cass and Dick practically cuddling on the couch, because they deserve more sibling moments. Dick's arm is raised and both him and Cass are smiling into his phone, where a video call with Barbara, the Rows and Stephanie is taking place. The clip manages to pick up a snippet of their conversation before it ends.

“- And I already pre-ordered your favorite bouquets,” Babs is saying with a deadpan. “For each funeral.”

~~~

Dick: Due to the whole social distancing and what-not, Babs, Steph, and the Rows chose to sit this one out and plan out our funerals in the meantime.

Dick: I like to think of it as a show of love.
___

Jason: Dick’s just in denial because he knows Babs’ had his funeral planned ever since they broke up.

~~~

“Let us take a seat,” Dick says, looking at his siblings as if it was some kind of cult, before plopping down on the living room floor.

“There's a table right there,” Damian frowns, pointing at their coffee table, but the others already knew it was a useless battle and sat down.

“The table doesn't hold all the answers, Daminick," Dick replied ominously, not relenting his 'wise' expression despite Damian's incredulous stare.

With a huff and a few Arabic curses, Damian gave up and sat down on the all-knowing floor.

~~~

Damian: I have concluded that I shouldn't be bothered by my......... siblings' deteriorating sanities. At last, it will just bring my rightful heritage to my hands sooner than expected. [evil laugh]
___

Duke: Sometimes I’m geniunely worried for Damian.
___

Damian: Cassandra will inevitably receive a share, naturally, as much as I dislike it. I might take pity on Thomas. We will see.

~~~

“Before we begin,” Dick looks around the group of tired-looking kids, with the same dramatic expression as before. He, Cass and Duke are the only ones acting willing, while the remaining three brothers look murderous. Dick pointedly ignores the glares sent his way.

“Do you solemnly swear,” His eyes shift to each of them. “To obey the card?”

A chorus of half-hearted agreements and a stray “no” echo in the otherwise silent living room, but Dick takes it in stride.

“Alright, then pick a color-.”

“Red,” both Tim and Jason say immediately.

~~~

Jason: Hell no.
___

Camera-woman: Why are you two fighting over a color anyway? I don't remember any ties to it from neither of you before.

Tim:

Tim: I need it to match my sleep-deprived eyes.

Camera-woman:

Tim:

Camera-woman:

Tim: [Strikes fashion pose]

~~~

With a war cry, Jason lunges at Tim and somehow the brawl results in the camera falling to the floor. After a quick “Technical Difficulties" screen, the siblings are all shown again, sitting strangely calmly, no signs of the previous battle except for Tim's angry pout, Damian looking way more interested and Jason 'discreetly' wiping some blood off his nose. Dick would seem completely unbothered, if it weren't for his eye doing an almost imperceptible twitch before facing the camera.

“Everybody show your gamepiece colors!” He urges, lifting up his own blue piece. Cass proudly shows off her purple piece, followed by Damian and Tim reluctantly lifting their green and orange pieces, respectively, Duke twirling his yellow piece with a wink and Jason shoving his red piece at the camera smugly, smirk widening when Tim scoffs.

“Place your pieces at the start of the board and we'll roll the dice to decide the turn order!”

“We'll roll the dice to decide who rolls the dice?”

~~~

Dick: Ah, Jason. Where would we be without him?
___

Jason: First of all, I bet half the views are thanks to my amazing humor so fuck Dick.

~~~

They all roll the dice, multiple times due to ties-

~~~

Dick: Hey, that rhymes, doesn't it??

~~~

And finally the order of turns is established as Dick, Damian, Jason, Cass, Duke, and, finally, Timothy.

~~~

Tim: Coming in last once again.
___

Cass: Next episode: Therapy.
___

Tim: N o.

~~~

“This is actually perfect because now that I'm first I can give you a quick example on how the game works,” Dick comments.

“Joy,” Jason replies monotonely, spluttering once Dick throws a pillow at his face and lunging towards the elder boy.

[Please stand by while we resolve a technical issue]

~~~

Duke: They have to stop doing that.

~~~

After the image is back, Dick grabs the dice and shakes it throughly, before scoring a miserable 1.

This however, seems to liven up the other kids, who all seem to have a sudden urge of energy with the sole purpose of making fun of Dick.

~~~

Dick: Feels good to be loved.

Dick: Wonder if I'll ever get to experience that first-hand. [fake tear]

~~~

Grumbling, Dick grabs his piece and moves it forward one space, landing on a purple spot.

“See, since I landed on a purple spot, I have to pick a purple card,” he explains while doing so, swatting away Jason when the other tried to take a peek.

Dick gives the card a quick once-over, expression quickly falling before lighting up again. He confidently throws the card in the middle for the others to read.

“Sing a verse of a church hymn,” Tim reads out loud, eyes quickly falling to the second part of the card. “It says the first player and last players have to switch places-.”

“-Unless I'm the first player and complete the card,” Dick finishes hurriedly, not wanting to lose his insignificant advantage of one whole space.

~~~

Jason: [Snorts]


~~~

Standing up eagerly, Dick grabs two pencils lying around and tapes them together to look like a cross before taping his new creation on the chest of his own shirt. He places his hands together as if in prayer and closes his eyes.

“Amaaaziiiing Graaaaace,” he sings solemnly, ignoring the others' judging stares. “How sweet the souuund.”

“Spice it up,” Jason interrupts, and Dick rolls his eyes before adopting a different composure and clapping to the beat.

“That saved, a wretch, like meee,” the others erupt in a mock-cheer and clap along.

“I once, was lost; but now, I'm found!”

“How long is a verse?” Duke leans over and asks Cass in a whisper, but the girl shrugs.

“Was blind, but now, I seeEEEE,” Dick finishes, adding an unnecessary and ridiculous-soundimg high note at the end. The others wolf-whistle and throw him some Bounty paper towels.

~~~

Jason: They're symbolic. For flowers.
___

Tim: We were just too lazy to look for something more fitting.

~~~

“Damian, you're next!!”

“Ugh.”

The dice roll a four, and Damian's green piece seems to glide across the board haughtily, before landing on a yellow space.

He smirks upon reading the card.

“Grayson, these are overwhelmingly easy.”

“What? Lemme see,” Dick grabs the card, the other four leaning over to read it.

~~~

Jason: Fuck, that's not fair.
___

Duke: Not gonna lie, I was kinda hoping Damian would get something more embarrassing.
___

Tim: They say fortune favors the beautiful, and then there's Damian.
___

Damian: [sneezes]

~~~

Damian grabs his card back, reading it out loud as he performs a flawless split.

“If you can actually do the split,” he reads smugly, still in the position. “Double your next die roll.”

“We get it,” Jason rolls his eyes, snatching the die. “My turn.”

“Ooh, you landed next to Damian,” Duke comments as Jason brings his red piece next to Damian's and grabs the yellow card, eyebrows raising.

“What's it say?”

Jason looks up at them, then down at the card, before grabbing the sand timer from the game's box and handing them both to Tim.

“Set the timer and read it out loud,” he orders blankly before sprinting out of the room. Tim glances down at the card in confusion.

“Hand this card to an opponent,” he reads out loud, as instructed. “Tell them to set the timer and read this card aloud. Go hide. When the timer runs out, your opponents must find you. The first player that finds you may advance three spaces.”

As soon as he finishes reading, Tim glances at the timer, the others following suit, still processing the weird card.

“Dick, what does the winner of this board game get?” Tim asks, eyes not leaving the timer.

“Barbara's entire blackmail folder of Bruce,” Dick responds, looking at his piece that needs only three more spaces in order to catch up to Jason and Damian's pieces.

~~~

Tim: This is serious now.
___

Damian: I need that folder so I can delete it and defend my father's honor!
___

Duke: Look, I'm just saying.

Duke: Last time we did something like this, Damian refused to play so Barbara offered his blackmail folder as the reward, which I won.

Duke: And it gave me so much power.

Duke: I'm getting this folder.
___

Camera-woman: And why do you want it?

Cass: To laugh.

~~~

The players watch intently as the last grain of sand drops, and then they are flying out of the room like predators.

Chapter Text

Previously, on Keeping Up With The Waynes-

Jason: Nope, those things are way too long. We're not doing that. Given the fact that I'm funnier and worlds more handsome than some disembodied voice narrating over clips of our past mistakes, I'll be taking over the recap, 'kay?

Um. Okay?

Jason: Glad we're on the same page. Now, where to begin...?

Jason: So, ever since the pandemic that forced us all to adopt Tim's hermit lifestyle started, Dickhead started being more annoying than usual and kept insisting we played this board game named “Quelf" or something. Now, we were one-hundred percent planning to ignore him, as we always did, maybe hit him a little, slightly nudge him down the stairs-

Bruce, off-camera: Jason.

Jason: BUT since there was high demand for another episode and Bruce is as creative as a tired PE teacher, he said: [in a gremlin voice] “You're all playing Quelf.”

Bruce: I don't sound like that-

Jason: Fuck off, Fossil, this is my recap.

[The sound of footsteps is heard and Jason's glare follow the movement of what presumably is Bruce Wayne leaving the set off-camera.]

Jason: As I was saying, once Bruce oh-so-magnamiously decreed we would all play Dick's little game, it was set in stone. Which is where last episode starts, with us beginning to play the game. After some boring talking from Dick and the brat being a little shit, it was finally my turn, and my card required a sudden game of hide and seek, which is more interesting than what Dick and the Demon got, naturally.

Jason: Normally, we would play with about the same enthusiasm we employ on any of Dick's other ideas- which is none- but this time something was actually at stake:

Jason: The old man's blackmail.

Jason: And so, shit went down.

Damian, off-camera: I thought you said you'd keep it short, T- Podd.

Jason: [Scoff] Not everything can reflect your height, demon bitch.

[A blur suddenly leaps towards Jason with am animalistic cry and the footage is hurriedly cut.]

~~~

“Hello? Babs?”

“Duke? What's up?”

“Yeah, I heard you were planning funerals? I want sunflowers at mine.”

~~~

The players watch intently as the last grain of sand drops, and then they are flying out of the room like predators.

The cameras split up, each hurrying after a different member. The footage currently being shown follows Cass closely as the girl flies to the bedroom wing, slamming each door she passes open haphazardly. However, she never pauses to look inside any of them, instead seeming more sure about her intuition with every room she instantly disregards. The camera-man's terrified whimper can be heard off-screen.

The scene switches to Duke, who's looking in the library, and then Damian, searching in the garden, before settling on Dick, who wanders the house aimlessly before curiously entering the kitchen.

Dick blinks as Tim is revealed to be in the kitchen, blinking owlishly at the camera. The short boy is sitting on the countertop and munching on coffee beans as if they were gummies. He looks at Dick, then the camera, then down at his “snack" and then up at Dick again, looking like a deer-caught-in-headlights.

~~~

Tim: No comment.

~~~

“I thought you were looking for Jason,” Dick asks slowly, eyeing the bag in Tim's hands.

“I got distracted,” Tim replies with the same level of caution, hugging the bag closer to his chest.

They both stare at each other in awkward silence before Tim speaks up again:

“Hey, Dick?”

“Yeah?”

“Remember that thing I know about you?”

Dick scoffs. “You can't blackmail me, I don't have any shame.”

“No, Dick,” Tim insists, voice suddenly terrifyingly ominous and eyes looking like they have access to the third realm. “Think about it very carefully.”

Dick narrows his eyes skeptically before he seems to remember something, face paling tremendously.

“G-got it,” He smiles at Tim weakly, giving the other a shaky salute and stumbling out the way he came in. “I'll leave you to it, then!”

~~~

Dick: T is for Timmy is Terrifying.

~~~

“What?” Damian hisses at the camera. They're out in the garden, the boy digging through the bushes. His hair is covered in leaves and twigs, and he's obviously aware and embarrassed, but adamant to win. “Go away, I'm concentrating.”

The boy hisses again when the camera refuses to leave, but carries on with his business.

“Grayson told me once,” he starts absently, plunging his arms into yet another bush. “That once, when T- Podd. When Podd was recently acquainted to the family, Grayson convinced him the manor was haunted and Podd hid in one of these bushes for days. Later on they found him, comfortable in the bushes, with an impressive supply of food and other resources. I believe these bushes must hold enough sentimental value for him to hide in them.”

~~~

Tim: Bruh it's not that deep.

~~~

“And so, I will reign superior,” Damian concludes proudly, before a sudden rustling catches his attention. “I have you now, Imbecile.”

He basically dismantles the bushes and, behind all that shrubbery, is a single entity:

A badger.

Damian's face lights up, looking instantly smitten with the animal.

As if the animal wasn't hissing at him, Damian scoops it up and holds it close to his chest and, strangely, the badger calms down and looks almost content.

“I shall name you Hogwarts. Grayson, Drake, Thomas and T- Podd- will be very pleased with this decision,” Damian decrees, and then heads back towards the manor, his mission of finding Jason completely disregarded.

~~~

Tim: Spoiler alert: We had to release the animal sometime during the episode, since they're illegal [pointedly glares at someone behind the camera. A scoff is heard in return], but the badger still visits from time to time. Don't ask me how.

~~~

The scene shows Duke, who, after having searched every nook and cranny of the library, has taken to inspect every book, individually.

“According to Scooby Doo logic,” Duke starts explaining. “... and Barbie,” he adds as an after-thought. “If there's a big-ass house, it's old, and there's a library, then there's definitely a passageway somewhere.”

“You can't tell me Wayne Manor of all places doesn't have a passageway,” he continues. “The question is which book...”

He trails off as his eyes fall on a huge red book, and the camera zooms in on it. The spine reads “Passageways for Dummies" in golden letters. Duke shares an incredulous look with the camera before snorting and pulling on the book without hesitation. Surely enough, a staircase is opened right next to where he's standing.

Duke raises his eyebrows. “That's... convenient.”

The camera slowly nods in agreement.

~~~

Where R u, Dick texts Jason for the twentieth time, laying upside-down on the couch and munching on some coffee beans.

~~~

Dick: What? Tim got me curious, okay?

~~~

Piss off, Jason responds, unsurprisingly. Make an effort like everyone else.

no, Dick texts back, choosing to keep to himself the fact that he wasn't the only one not making an effort as Damian walked by, bottle feeding his newest critter. tell me.

Up your ass.

ew.

Yeah, I regret saying it now too.

screenshotted.

Oh, fuck off.

~~~

“Where the hell am I?” Duke whispers, having found the end of the passage, staring in horror at the people dressed as Christmas elves in the middle of Summer as they jump and dance along to overwhelmingly loud nightcore versions of Five Nights at Freddy's songs. In the middle of them is a boxing ring.

~~~

Duke: [Shudder] I don't want to talk about it.
___

Dick: Yeah, summer camps can get wild in Gotham.

~~~

Cass wanders peacefully through the manor's picture hallway, having long given up on her earlier rampage. Turns out Jason wasn't actually in any of the rooms. The man had clearly hidden well. She decided that if the others hadn't found him by then, she would stumble upon him eventually. In the meantime, she really wanted to see all of the pictures again. She liked the pictures. A new picture catches her attention- coincidentally, a picture of Jason. She giggles and makes her way over to it. You can tell it's recent, based on the incredibly high quality.

“Where is Jason?” She asks the picture comically.

The picture sneezes.

Cass punches it.

~~~

Jason: I can still feel it...

~~~

“Cass, what the fuck?!” Jason asks, holding his bloody nose. Cassandra hovers over him worriedly.

“Scared,” she tries justifying herself, grabbing a Bounty paper towel she conveniently stuffed in her jean pocket during Dick's rendition of Amazing Grace and putting it in Jason's nose, feeling guilty enough to take over the procedure.

“It's fine, I would have probably shot whoever was doing this if I was in your position.”

“I know,” Cass nods, tilting Jason's head back. “You hid smart. But are dumb.”

“Gee, thanks,” Jason rolls his eyes, finally feeling well enough to climb out from behind the wall. The action attracts Cassandra's attention. She glances at the hole Jason just climbed out of, then at Jason, then at the hole again.

“You made a hole... just to hide?” She asks, trying to look like she's not judging Jason. She's failing.

“Yes. Shut up.”

“Haven't said anything.”

“I can hear your judgement, Cassie.”

~~~

“Yeah, Dick? Hi.”

“Duke?? Is something wrong??”

“I need you to pick me up.”

~~~

The scene shows all of the six players back in the living room, around the Quelf board, each looking like they've been through a lot. Damian's arms are distinctly empty of the previous badger, and he's hissing at anyone who looks at him.

~~~

Tim: Yeah, Bruce had already ordered Damian to let the animal go by then.

Tim: I gotta say, though, I really appreciated its name. Kudos to Damian. I'll share some embarrassing stories of Dick and Jason with him as a reward.
___

Damian: Score.

~~~

Duke is muttering under his breath and Jason and Cassandra are shown actively avoiding eye-contact with each other. Dick and Tim are the only ones who seem completely unaffected by the little impromptu hide-and seek, although Dick did inch slightly away from Tim earlier.

“So Cass won this one?” Dick asks cheerily, pretending he didn't put Damian between himself and Tim strategically. “Where was he?”

Jason and Cassandra share a look.

“Rule number one of hide-and-seek, Dickie, don't reveal anyone's hiding spot ideas,” Jason finally answers, like the smartass he is. Dick rolls his eyes but motions at Cass to go ahead and move her piece three spaces forward, which she does with a proud beam.

“Rank call!” Dick calls out cheerfully.

“First!” Jason and Damian respond smugly.

“Second,” Cass beams, either not noticing or ignoring Dick cooing at the action.

“Third,” Dick inputs, sending the camera a peace sign.

“We haven't even had our turns,” Duke points out with a deadpan, Tim nodding along in agreement.

“Either way it's Cass' turn.”

The girl nods and picks up the die, scoring a four. She moves her piece until it's on a green space, and moves to grab the respective card, but Dick quickly stops her.

“That's a Quiz card,” Dick explains. “It means someone else grabs it for you and asks you the question on the card. If you get a wrong answer, then you pay the penalty.”

Halfway through his explanation, Damian grabs the card reading it carefully.

“What is the only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible?” He asks, and Cass deadpans.

“Not even I know that,” Tim frowns. “I bet Bruce does, though.”

“I know the answer,” Jason comments off-handedly, but doesn't elaborate.

“Fish...?”

“Wrong. Penalty is two spaces.”

“Cass, Jesus’ symbol is literally a fish.”

Cass shrugs, moving her piece back. “Not a reader.”

“You can regain one space forward if you answer this correctly: True or False? Some Lions can mate over 50 times a day.”

“True,” Cass replies immediately, with a smile, and doesn't look surprised when Damian nods.

“Wait but what was the answer to the Bible question?”

“Cats.”

“That's because cats are spawns of Satan.”

“Dick, you fucking idiot, Satan is in the Bible.”

~~~

Jason: I knew a few nuns growing up and they would have had a stroke.

~~~

“My turn!” Duke scores a four, landing in the same space as Jason and Damian, making both boys groan.

“What is it with the stupid fours?” Jason complains.

“Maybe it's a sign,” Dick comments sagely, immediately being pelted by a pillow in response. “Jason!”

Duke rolls his eyes and grabs a yellow card. He smiles at it.

“What's it say?” Jason asks, but instead of answering, Duke forms some weird binoculars with his hands and turns to Dick, to his right, who cackles at how ridiculous he looks.

“The beast is in my sight, and it poses no threat!” Duke exclaims in a horrible Australian accent, making Dick laugh harder and the others to chuckle along at the weirdness of it all.

“Kind of offended by the ‘not a threat part,’” Dick jokes, smiling. Duke shows them the card.

“This card is classified- Ohhhh,” Dick reads aloud. Duke points to the bottom half of the card, and they all lean forward to read it.

“Reveal this card when you discard it,” Dick keeps reading cheerily. “If the player to your right- hey, that's me!- laughed at you during your stunt, they must pay... the penalty.” He turns to glare at Duke.

“Evil courses through your veins,” he accuses dramatically. Duke returns the stare blankly.

“No, that's just the candy cane juice.”

“Huh?”

“Nevermind.”

~~~

Duke: [Shudders]

~~~

“Damnit,” Tim curses under his breath when he only rolls a one, moving his piece to the purple space begrudgingly and grabbing a card. He reads it with the same dead expression he uses for literally everything else. When he fails to elaborate, the others seemingly assume it's a classified card and don't bother asking.

And then Tim starts passionately playing The Star-Spangled Banner with his nose. Instinctively, Damian fishes out his phone and marks 911's speed-dial.

“No, wait,” Dick gently lowers his phone. “I think this was his card.”

“Ya think?”

“Yes, Jason.”

Damian hesitantly puts his phone down but keeps the call tab open just in case, as the rest watch in strange fascination when Tim somehow creates a mash-up of Careless Whisper and their National Anthem.

Somewhere along the line, Dick slowly raises his hand to his chest, and Cass and Duke copy him, just because they can. Damian finally exits the call app, just to switch it to the camera app and send the recording to the members who couldn't be present.

When Tim finally concludes his interesting rendition of the anthem, Dick and Jason stand up for an ovation, Dick wiping his signature fake tears. Tim bows, expression solemn, and then points at Dick, Cass and Duke prophetically.

“Y'all can move ahead one space, for respecting the Anthem,” he says, flicking the card towards them and accidentally poking Dick's eye with it.

“Shit, sorry,” he says quickly, but he's clearly smiling. Dick rolls his eyes, and another card mysteriously hits his other eye.

~~~

Duke: Tim's kinda scary sometimes, not gonna lie.

~~~

Jason: Is it just me, or is this episode getting really fucking long?

[Someone hands Jason a piece of paper.]

Jason: [eyebrows raised] Oh-

~~~

Dick: Sorry for this in advance, but...

Dick: Keep your eyes peeled for part three!

Dick: Eventually.

Chapter Text

Hello ^-^ I hope you've been well. Just in case anyone is still subscribed to this, I'm making a new fic about this! Same concept, different-ish format, same humor, if you want to check it out it's the next work in the series :) Bye byee