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"You want to talk to me about your sex life?" Beau asked, staring at Fjord with a mix of confusion and slight disgust.
The two were sitting in the kitchen that afternoon after everyone else had dispersed to their own corners of the house. Fjord had needed to talk to someone since that morning, and Beau had seemed like the best option. He needed her blunt advice right now, and the only other person he could get it from was Caleb. They didn’t exactly have that kind of relationship.
"No!-I mean," Fjord placed his hand against his face and let out a sigh of defeat. "Did you have to say it like that?"
"How else was I supposed to say it? Vague hand gestures and stuttering like you." She leaned against the kitchen table and took a long sip of her tea. "So, how would you like to traumatize me with you and Cad's sex life?"
"I'm regretting coming to you." He replied as he practically slammed his head on the table.
"Well it's either me, or have a super awkward conversation with Jester. And you've been having a lot of those, so I think you're stuck with me. Spill. Make us both feel uncomfortable."
"Okay, well." He sat up and reset himself, trying to find the words, but Beau quickly stopped him.
"Wait. Some ground rules for this conversation." Fjord stared at her for a moment.
"...okay?"
"First, if I tell you it's getting to weird, this conversation is over. I can talk a lot about sex, but there's just some things I have limits on. Second, don't go into extreme specifics. Like positions or certain acts. Like at all. Weird kinky shit is what you read smut for. Third, if this is about your inability to get it up, walk out of the room and stare at a wall while you think why I would be able to help you with that."
"I promise that it is not about that."
"Good. Finally, if you tell me something that reveals that you hurt Caduceus in some way, I will end you." The look in her eyes was all he needed to know that she wasn't joking. "Alright. Out of the way. Talk."
"Well, um, Caduceus and I, we…" why was this so hard to say.
"Had s-e-x. What do those letters spell?"
"Oh my god. We had sex. Happy?"
"Very. Continue."
"Well, just. When we were - I wasn't...exactly…" He tried to find the words.
"All there? Did you start thinking about other things? Because that's normal. That happens sometimes. I was with this one woman a while back and she always took forever-"
"Enjoying it! I was gonna say enjoying it."
"Oh. Was it your first time with a guy? Cuz the first time isn’t always the best."
"No." The handful of times he had sex were basically him trying to figure out why sex wasn't that great. He'd had sex with men, women, in between and in the end he still didn't know what he wanted. Really not till Caduceus.
“I mean...has Cad ever…before.” She did some weird vague hand gestures that he could pretty much get what she was trying to ask.
He shook his head. “That’s not it.”
“Did you enjoy it when you were with Avantika?”
“No.” He didn’t have to think about it, didn’t really want to. It seemed like a good idea at the time. She was interested in him, and it was a possible way to get more information on Uk’otoa. He figured that it would be good, but all it did was leave him feeling dirty. He couldn’t wait to wash the feeling of her off of him.
"Did you want to have sex with her?"
"I don’t know.” Fjord pushed his hair back out of habit. “I mean...I wanted to, but not the way I think I was supposed to."
"Have you ever like wanted to have sex with any of the people you've done it with?"
"I...it's complicated."
"It's really not."
"I can tell when someone's attracted to me. I know that all the people I've slept with have wanted to sleep with me."
"But did you want to sleep with them?" He let out a long sigh.
"Everytime I have sex I expect it to be different. Like, this time it'll be good, it was just the other person. But every time, I’m reminded why I hate it. I always just end up cleaning myself for a lot longer than I normally do."
Beau stared at him for a moment, clearly waiting for more. He rested his head against his hand, avoiding her eyes as he spoke.
"I don't want to fuck this up. I...I love Cad. I don't want something as stupid as this to ruin what we have." He stared at Beau, but the expression on her face didn’t change. "There's something wrong with me, isn't there?"
"There's nothing wrong with you Fjord. Everyone's got some weird different messed up feelings on sex.”
“But other people like it.”
“Other people are also the worst.” He couldn’t help but roll his eyes at her. Beau never seemed to care what other people thought. “Look, whatever I say, you’re probably still going to have to talk to Cad about it. He’s your, whatever, and if this is something that is going to affect your relationship, you have to talk about it with him."
Fjord nodded. He didn't want to talk about it. It could ruin everything they have.
"Now, I'm going to tell you something that you probably needed during your teenage years, or earlier, or even just five minutes ago. Despite what everyone tells you, you don't have to like sex. You don't have to like it, you don't have to do it. There are people out there that don't." She stood up and clapped him on the shoulder. "Think about that, then talk to your boyfriend."
"Okay. Thanks Beau."
"It's nothing. This conversation could have been a lot more awkward."
-
Caduceus sat below the tree, trying to focus on his meditation but couldn’t focus on the Wildmother. He was focused on Fjord. Last night they’d become...physical. It was good. When they’d awoken that morning, everything seemed fine at first. Fjord had pushed himself into Caduceus’ embrace, let himself lay lazily in his arms. Waking up next to the man he loved. It was so peaceful, in a way that Caduceus had rarely felt before. But when he leaned over and kissed him, Fjord seemed to freeze. When they were at breakfast, he’d pulled his hand away when Caduceus had tried to grab it. Had backed away if he’d stood close by. Something had changed.
He didn’t know if he could figure this out on his own. Romantic relationships were not his strong suit, he was amazed that he’d been with Fjord so long given his inexperience. He probably needed to talk to someone more well versed.
“Are you okay, Caduceus?” Caduceus looked up into the tree to see Jester sitting on the lower branch and painting in her sketchbook. A small drop fell from her brush as she waited for his response.
"Jester, may I ask for your advice?" He asked her.
"Of course Caduceus." Jester looked over and gave him a smile.
"It's about Fjord."
"Oh.” Her smile faltered. “Are you sure I'm the right person…"
"I wouldn't accept anyone else. You probably know best about this current...predicament."
"Alright," she closed her sketchbook and put away her paints. She climbed down from the tree and sat next to him, giving her full attention. "What's going on?"
"Well, recently our relationship has taken another step. We...became more intimment."
"Oh!?" Her blank face became a wide smile as she raised her eyebrows several times. "How was it?"
"Good...I think."
"You think?"
"Well, Fjords been acting a bit different since we’ve been together."
"What do you mean?"
"He seems to be avoiding me. Or if we are close, he flinches when I touch him."
"You're normally pretty perceptive on these things."
"I know. But sex is an area I'm not very familiar with. Both in hypotheticals and experience."
"Wait a second. Was Fjord your first time?"
"...yes."
“Oh my god. That’s so special and sweet.”
“It is?”
“Of course. Your first time should always be with someone special.”
“Huh. I never really thought about that.”
“That’s okay. But I’m assuming you still have questions about Fjord.”
“Yes. Do you think I possibly did something wrong.”
“Oh you probably did, but I don’t think that’s it. Fjord’s always been weird with sex. You remember Avantica.”
“I remember.” Although he tried not to. Caduceus didn’t consider himself the jealous type, but thinking of that woman trying to manipulate Fjord made him angry. He never wanted anyone to use him like that again.
“Are you worried that he doesn’t want to have sex with you again?”
“No. Honestly, I don’t care about sex.”
Jester stared at him and tilted her head to the side. “What?”
“I’m okay with it, but I could go the rest of my life without it.”
“Then why’d you have sex with Fjord?”
“He wanted to have sex.”
“Uh, Caduceus. I love you, and I hope you know that you don’t have to have sex just because someone else wants to, and that I will throw Fjord through a wall if he’s pressuring you to do anything you don’t want to do.”
Caduceus let out a small chuckle at his strong friends overprotectiveness. “I assure you that he is not.” She stared at him for a moment, trying to figure out what he meant. This was clearly a new concept for her.
“Alright, I need you to explain things to me. If you’re you know okay with that. No pressure.”
“It’s fine.” He assured her. “Well, I guess the starting point would be that I don’t experience sexual attraction, I am only ever attracted to my partner romantically. But I do not hate sex or the idea of it. If I'm with someone who wants to have sex, I want to pleasure them, make them feel good."
"And if your with someone who doesn't want to have sex?"
"Then we don't have sex."
"Huh. Rest of your life, no sex."
"Yeah, pretty much."
"So essentially you get off, getting someone else off?"
"That's one way to put it. But I don't care if I do or don't."
"I feel like I've been educated on sex...and I thought I knew everything."
"I highly doubt that. No one knows everything."
"But I thought I knew everything about sex. This is a completely new thing, and now I'm questioning everything I ever knew."
"I don't think you need to question everything. Just certain things."
"I have to talk to my mom. Thank you for talking to me."
"Your welcome, Jester." He was pretty sure that he came to her for advice, but she was now clearly distracted by her previous ignorance. She skipped her way down the steps, leading him back to his own thoughts on his relationship.
Maybe she's right, and Fjord is just kind of weird about sex. It can be complicated for some people and simple for others. Perhaps his relationship is more complicated, not dissimilar to his own, but with an inclination to have it. Or he could just not like sex. And that was perfectly okay with him.
-
Fjord meditated in his room, trying to find the Wildmother. Normally he'd sit on the roof with Caduceus, but Caduceus had suggested that Fjord try on his own, to test his own faith. He should do this on the roof either way, since it was the most natural thing within miles, but he didn't think it was a good idea to be near Caduceus right now. Right now was just...not good for their relationship.
He couldn't find the Wildmother, and even if he was outside he didn't think he would find her. He was too focused on Caduceus, and the conversation he’d had with Beau. He'd have to talk to Caduceus about it, but he didn't even know if what Beau had said applied to him. Maybe he just needed to have it more than once with a person. Like, they don't know each other's rhythm. That's probably it...should give it another try ...yeah.
There was a knock at the door, and Fjord’s eyes flew open.
"Who is it?" He called.
"It's me, love."
Caduceus. Fjord took a deep breath, and stood up. He gave a quick stretch and walked towards the door. His hands started to feel sweaty.
It's just sex. It's just sex. It's just sex. It's just sex. It's just sex. It’s just sex.
He reached for the knob, and opened the door. Fjord sometimes got taken away just by looking at Caduceus. Especially early on, when they were still figuring things out, Fjord would get overwhelmed and would lose all thought with a glance. Cad wouldn’t even be doing anything special, he just had that ability over him.
He grabbed the front of Cad’s shit and pulled him into the room. kissed him, He quickly brought him down and pressed their lips together, opening his mouth to quickly deepen it. Fjord thought he could get lost in those lips, soft and warm against his own. Being so close he could smell the musky earth smell that stuck to Caduceus' skin. Caduceus had wrapped his arms around him in a tight embrace, pulling him closer. Fjord slowly removed himself from Caduceus' mouth and started to kiss at his neck.
"How was you day?" Caduceus asked, moving his hand to the back of Fjords neck, fingers slowly brushing against the edge of his hair.
Focus.
"Better now." Fjord pulled back to look into the firbolgs eyes. Those eyes that he could just swim in, his arms wrapped around him. He could spend all day just wrapped in his arms looking into his eyes. Lying there for hours. Just the two of them.
Focus. It's just sex.
"What were you doing?"
"Trying to meditate, but I couldn't focus. I was thinking too much."
"About what?"
"About you."
"Nothing else? Nothing is wrong?" Fjord couldn't help but smile at his concern, felt so much love flow through his chest. It almost made him stop thinking about the sweat and shaking of his hands.
"Nothing. Just focused on you." He then pulled Cad in for another kiss. His hand slipped down Cad's neck.
It's just sex. It's just sex. It's just sex. It's just sex. It's just sex.
He let his hands slip along the edge of the white shirt.
It's just sex. It's just sex. It's just sex. It's just sex.
He felt for the first button and popped it open.
It's just sex. It's just sex. It's just sex.
He slowly popped off each button opening the shirt entirely.
It's just sex. It's just sex.
He placed his hand against Caduceus' chest, and stroked his hand down.
It's just sex.
He reached the edge of Caduceus’ pants. Stopping for a second, he started to slip his-
Caduceus suddenly broke their kiss, grabbing Fjord’s wrist and pulling it away. Fjord stared up at him, not knowing what to do.
"Tell me what's wrong love." He gave Fjord the deepest stare he could.
"I-there's nothing wrong." Fjord insisted. He tugged against Caduceus' arm, who let him slip right out.
"Your hands are shaking." Fjord looked down at his hands. The were vibrating and he didn't know if he could stop them. He looked back at Caduceus as he placed his hand against his jaw, rubbing his thumb over his cheek. "Please tell me what's wrong. Whatever it is let me help."
Fjord didn't know what to say. He couldn't make himself speak, couldn't stop shaking, couldn't stop thinking of all the ways this conversation could go wrong. That he could lose everything that they worked to.
His skin started to feel like it was burning, his throat was closing up. It was tight and sore, and everything just bubbled over. The tears burst from his eyes as he started to cry. He vaguely felt Caduceus wrap his arms around him, pulling Fjord into his body, and resting his chin on the top of his head.
“Shh. It’s okay,” Caduceus rubbed small circles on Fjord’s back and gave him a lingering kiss on the top of his head. “I’ve got you.”
“Don’t leave me,” Fjord sobbed, burying his face further into Caduceus’ chest.
“I’m right here. I’m not leaving you.” Fjord let out all his tears as he clung to Caduceus’ shirt. His body shook with each breath he tried to get in. His throat was raw, his hands just trying to hold on and stop shaking.
“Now’s not a good time to talk,” Fjord pressed his ear against Caduceus’ chest, listening to the calming rumble in his chest. “We can talk in the morning.” He moved his hand to the side of Fjord’s face, and tilted his head so that their eyes would meet. Fjord resisted the urge to hide his face in Caduceus’ chest. He didn’t like seeming weak, but he had to let it happen. Wanted to let it happen. “Do you want me to stay tonight, or do you want me to go?”
Fjord couldn’t stand the thought of being alone right now. He just wanted to curl up against Caduceus, have his arms wrapped around him, like they were just a minute ago. When he regained some kind of composure he’d talk, but right now…
“Please stay.”
Caduceus nodded, as his hands slid down to Fjords. He took them in his own, and brought both to his lips, giving them a light kiss. He walked backwards, Fjord barely let Caduceus lead him. He barely thought about it, just following. Caduceus laid them both down on the bed, wrapping his arms around Fjord protectively.
“This is nice,” Fjord felt Caduces’ chest rumble as he spoke.
"Mmhmm." He felt completely protected and vulnerable all at the same time. The warm feeling of Caduceus pressed against his back, and the arms around him lulling him into a comfortable daze. “I like this. Thank you.”
“You don’t have to.” Caduceus gave a small kiss to the back of Fjord’s neck. “Are you ready to talk, or do you want to sleep?”
“Sleep. I’m exhausted for some reason.”
“Emotions will do that.” Caduceus lifted himself up a little and gave Fjord a kiss on the cheek. He settled back into his original spot, making himself comfortable. “Goodnight love.”
“Goodnight Cad.”