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TJ’s milkshake was starting to taste pretty awful, but maybe it was just his mood that had been spoiled. Basketball practice had been canceled today, so he had invited Cyrus to go to The Spoon with him after school. TJ had been itching to spend time with the other boy, but now he wished he had just gone home and started his science homework.
TJ looked down to check his phone- ten minutes. For an entire ten minutes now Cyrus has been ranting. Usually, TJ loved to listen as Cyrus goes off on a tangent about who knows what, he always finds it adorable and is perfectly content to just rest his head on his fist and follow along.
Right now? TJ wishes he had the heart to interrupt the boy he was so smitten with and change the subject. But he didn’t, so for the last ten minutes Thelonious Jagger Kippen has been hopelessly listening as Cyrus staggered on about his crush- his crush who he refused to name. Despite this, TJ knew who he was talking about, or at least he was pretty sure he knew. Of course he did- Cyrus had never been exactly subtle with his too-long glances and fond smiles. Yes, TJ knew Cyrus was talking about Jonah Beck, but he’d never tell him that.
Jonah Beck. Don’t get him wrong, TJ liked Jonah, he was nothing but nice- Jonah wasn’t someone you could really hate. No, TJ liked Jonah, he just didn’t like the fact that Cyrus pined after him with tunnel-vision. Though, in Cyrus’ defense, TJ did the exact same thing with his relentless feelings towards the boy who was sitting in front of him right now eating baby taters while still talking at a speed of 40 miles per hour.
“-and it’s like, I’ve become really good friends with this person- like best friends, but I know that’s all we’re ever going to be,” Cyrus stops for a moment, probably his first pause within these ten minutes, causing TJ to raise his eyebrows is acknowledgment, “And I’m okay with that,” he stops again, this time to release a frustrated sigh, “I just don’t know how to move on.”
TJ could almost laugh at the irony.
It’s been almost a year since TJ first met Cyrus in seventh grade. It’s been almost a year that he’s been festering these feelings for him. And it’s been almost a year since TJ realized that it’s abundantly clear that Cyrus doesn’t return his feelings.
Because of Jonah Beck.
It has been awhile since TJ began to notice how Cyrus acted around Jonah. He was always smiles and was always devoted to putting a smile on Jonah’s face as well. No, TJ wasn’t completely sure he was right when it comes to Cyrus’s feeling for Jonah, but he’d bet his weekly wage at the gym that he was.
The same story has been told ever since Cyrus decided to open up to TJ about this crush of his. Cyrus will start by recounting the butterflies he had felt in his stomach that week, and then his ranting will shift to his unrequited feelings.
And every time, TJ wants to scream, “I’m right here! Give me a chance!” But he never does.
For one, he’s glad Cyrus is opening up to him. It makes a corner of his heart giddy that he and Cyrus have become close enough that they can talk about things like this, even despite the knowledge of how undeniably friendzoned this makes him. For another, TJ never wants to risk their friendship like that. It’s clear that Cyrus’ heart is currently in the unwanting hands of another- TJ dispelling his own feelings would surely end in nothing but fire.
“What about you Teej?” Cyrus’ questioning breaks TJ from his spiraling train of thought. “Are you crushing on anyone?”
“No,” he lies, but TJ knows his face is betraying him.
Cyrus’ face breaks out in a grin that looks a little to bright, but TJ is probably reading into things too much. “You are! You totally are!”
Not for the first time today, TJ is met with the overwhelming urge to burst out with,
“Yeah! You!”
But he doesn’t, he can’t,
he won’t
. At the end of the day, he knows this is as far as he’s going to get. He can toy with the idea of a relationship in his mind, heck he can tell himself that this right now is a date. But it never will be.
“C’mon Teej! You can tell me!”
No I can’t.
Debating his current options, TJ decides to avoid this conversation altogether. He doesn’t trust himself to not let everything blow up in his face. “Hey, I gotta get home, its kinda late,” TJ moves to stand up, missing how Cyrus’ face falls.
“TJ it’s not even four o’clock,” Cyrus stands up as well, following after TJ as he pushes past a waiter to get to the door.
“I just have stuff to do, see you later,” the blonde boy quickens his pace.
“Wha- TJ! Did I say something?” Cyrus switches to a jog, trying to get ahead, “If you don’t want to talk about your crush- I didn’t mean to push you,” Finally, he reaches TJ, bringing them both to a halt but standing in front of the other boy. “We don’t have to talk about that.”
TJ scoffs, “Except we kinda do, don’t we? For the past month that’s all you can seem to talk about,” Cyrus takes a step back, “Thanks for opening up to me- but newsflash! I don’t want to hear about your stupid crush on Jonah Beck!” TJ pushes past Cyrus to continue walking down the road, but it doesn’t take long for Cyrus to fall back in step beside him.
“Jonah? What makes you think I have a crush on Jonah?”
This makes TJ falter slightly, but doesn’t stop him completely. “Oh maybe the
everything
about how you look at him? Have you seen yourself?” TJ laughs but it lacks any humor- he wasn’t about to play this game.
Cyrus stops walking, “TJ I don’t like Jonah,” Cyrus states in a hard tone, this time it’s enough to make TJ halt his movements. There’s a pause, there’s no breeze in the air as silence fills the street. TJ swears the temperature dropped about ten degrees. Cyrus, standing a little behind TJ, is holding his breath- contemplating while his fingers anxiously tap against his leg. TJ, facing the street beyond, waits with a tired expression. Cyrus exhales, “I like you.”
Suddenly everything is moving too fast, but not at all at the same time. TJ feels the air leave his body.
I’m not playing this game. I’m not playing this game.
But then Cyrus is there, still standing a couple feet behind him, holding his breath once more, and he thinks- maybe this is real. Maybe his current lightheadedness isn’t a dream. Maybe right behind him Cyrus is going out of his mind as he waits for him to say something. Anything.
So TJ looks back.
“I like you TJ,” Cyrus repeats, meeting his friend’s gaze, “I really do and I’m sorry if that makes things awkward between us, but I can’t change how I feel,” and just like that, Cyrus’ dam breaks, “I’ve been wanting to tell you, but I’ve just been scared. This whole time at The Spoon? I’ve been talking about you. Not Jonah, not anyone else- but you. And... and I know nothing will come of this, heck I’ve been telling you that for a month, I can try to move on so we can just be friends but I’m still trying to figure out how to do that. If this is too weird for you, I get it. I know you’ll never feel the same-“
“I do.”
The silence returns again for a few seconds, TJ is looking at the ground now, not quite believing that those two words actually just slipped from his mouth.
“You- you what?” Meanwhile, Cyrus can’t be sure if what he just heard was real or his ear just playing a nasty trick on him.
With a surge of confidence that he didn’t think he had in him, TJ’s dam breaks as well, “I like you a lot Cyrus,” a dopey smile breaks out on his face as he looks down at the ground, that’s just what his feelings for the other boy do to him. “I really, really do.”
They both feel like they’re floating, and the silence falls over them one last time. This time though, it’s a warm silence. This time, they’re both looking at each other, letting out the breaths that they’ve been holding for who knows how long, and smiling.
As they float back down to Earth, TJ reaches out for Cyrus’ hand, tightly grasping it and feeling as though he’d be content to never let go. They start walking back down the street and together they head back to The Spoon. This time, TJ knows his milkshake will taste good.