Chapter Text
Zim winced, resisting the urge to make a face as he stared at his skoolmates.
Something was very, very wrong.
Almost all the little fleshy worm children had become very... touchy, for lack of a better word. And it was DISGUSTING. Especially, in the eyes of an elite Irken invader. Irken's naturally kept distance from one another, save for The Tallest. It made sense, after all most Irkens either worked or invaded planets to expand the empire's reign. There was no need for any affection, they had risen above such simple means!
These human beasts, however, obviously had not, and engaged in their affectations for the invader to bare witness.
It was revolting, almost revolting enough to make his squiddly-spooch burst in disgust.
In class, Zim had to cover his mouth with a gloved hand in order to keep from gagging as students passed the infamous "love-letters" to one another. The sight was so horrendous that it almost kept Zim from making fun of Dib's grotesquely huge head! ...Almost.
During lunch, however, it was worse. The fleshy larvae were all sitting with those they shared their affections, and doing horrible, twisted things, all in public! Things like, hugging, and laughing together, and Tallest forbid, cuddling! Zim could almost feel his skin become greener with nausea. The invader had already had to suffer through "lunchtime" already, but now he had to do so with the humans' ridiculous pack behavior on full display.
From the other side of the cafeteria, Zim could spot Dib watching him curiously, possibly trying to read his mind with whatever new device he ordered from his "Paranormal Monthly" magazine. Dib, unlike the other humans, sat only with his sister. It irked Zim to admit it, but at least the Dib-human had enough class and taste to not succumb to the affectatious whims of their fellow skoolmates.
Out of the corner of Zim's eye, Keef, somehow still alive and lacking any robotic eye-implants, waved to the irken. Zim reluctantly turned his head. Keef pointedly turned his head, almost pointing out the other pairs of human's at various tables before turning back to Zim and patting the spot next to him. Zim shuddered and sunk in his seat.
Zim sped out of the cafeteria as soon as the bell rung, desperate for some fresh air and space away from the touchy-feely earth monkeys. This day, it would seem "recess" was a blessing, as though it was a gift from The Tallest themselves. Zim barely had any time to recuperate from the torture he had just been through before he realized how completely wrong he was. Which was a complete surprise, because when was the Almighty Zim ever wrong?
Zim had been through many battles in his career as an invader, one doesn't get to head Operation Impending Doom 1 by doing NOTHING, after all, but this... This was the true horror of war and invasion.
Almost all of the human smell-things had paired off into groups of two, now away from the supervision of the skool's teachbeasts. Zim had to hold himself back from retching, not able to look away as they held hands, or hugged, or- OH DEAR IRK WHAT WE'RE THEY DOING?!
One pair of the disgusting pig babies were trying to eat the other! Their faces were smashed together, almost as though they were fighting for dominance in a horrid game of "who gets to eat who".
Zim let out a scream, stumbling back and falling to the pavement. What was WRONG with humans?! Only the most savage and beastly races that invaders had encountered over the years had stooped to cannibalism.
One of the blonde female smellies looked down at him and sneered. "Jim, what are you doing?"
"I AM ZIM!" He yelled at up her.
The girl-thing, Jessica, he recalled, crossed her arms. "Yeah, whatever. Why were you lieing on the ground and screaming?"
Zim sat up, wide eyes looking around the blacktop, noticing the attention his outburst had gotten from his skoolmates. His eyes flashed with anger for only a second as he spotted Dib a few feet away, a smug smile on his gross stinkface.
Zim shot to his feet. "It was a scream of, uh, joy! Yes, joy. Joy at how well my fellow skoolmates' cannibalistic ritual was going! Yes."
Jessica stared at him. "You mean kissing?"
"Yes. That."
The skoolhumans remained quiet for a moment, staring at Zim as they took in his answer. The irken gulped, fighting the urge to take out his self-destruct button. The group of humans all quickly shrugged off his answers and returned to whatever they were doing. Zim let out a sigh of relief.
"Cannibalistic ritual, Zim?" Dib appeared at the irken's side, causing the alien to jump in surprise. "I know it's hard to imagine, but human's are actually much more civil than your species."
"Silence, Dib-FILTH!" Zim yelled. "In spite of your large head, your tiny mind cannot even begin to imagine how superior the irken race is to you! And it has no need for cannibalistic rituals or... kissing..."
"My head's not big!" Dib argued.
Zim let out a loud laugh, and Dib curled his hands into fists and glared at invader.
"Well, if you're so superior, Zim, how come you don't even know what kissing is? You've been on earth long enough to at least have an idea! But you thought Rob and Sara were eating each other!"
Zim growled. "I don't have time for this Dib-Waste! I have plans to make!"
"Not on my watch you aren't!"
Zim paused, contemplating what the human had just said. He then promptly kicked him in the stomach. Zim laughed as he walked away, leaving Dib to writhe in pain on the pavement.
---
Zim stood in his lab, out of disguise and staring up at his computer with narrowed eyes.
"Computer, what is this... "Kissing"?"
"...Dude, you don't know what kissing is?"
"SILENCE!" Zim raged at the machine. "...Now tell me what kissing means!"
"...Which one?"
"What?"
"I mean, you told me to be silent, then told me to tell you what kissing is." The computer explained. "Which one do you want me to do?"
Zim let out a growl of frustration before sighing into his gloved hands. "Just. Tell me what kissing is."
"Kissing is when humans touch each other lips together, usually as a sign of love."
Zim hummed and rubbed his chin. "As a sign of love?"
The irken quickly got an idea and snapped at the machine. "Computer, what causes love in humans?"
"Humans fall in love when the pituitary gland in their brain releases oxytocin, often called "The Love Hormone" and dopamine, causing humans to experience positive emotions and increased adrenaline."
Zim smiled devilishly. "Computer, list off the side effects of falling in love."
"Euphoria, sleeplessness, trembling, increased adrenaline, weak knees, sweaty palms, flushed cheeks, feeling sick, putting the object of your affections on a pedestal, dilated pupils..."
The computer continued listing off side effects, but Zim stopped listening, that was all he needed to hear. The invader chuckled and turned back to his lab equipment.
"Increased energy, higher tolerance for pain- hey!" The computer called after his master. "I wasn't finished!"
"Yes, yes," The irken waved off his computer as he began to gather supplies. "Just make sure Gir stays out of here."
This was going to be a long night.
---
Zim could not commend himself enough for his bravery in the face of the wormbabies and their revolting affection. The invader had to once again go through a day of the horror known as human "romance". When he finally conquered this dirt rock, he'd better get some sort of commendation from his Tallest... AND a larger part in Operation Impending Doom 3.
Luckily though, it was finally lunchtime, and Zim could spring his ingenious plan into action.
The invader made sure Dib got into the line of skoolstinkies waiting to receive the earthanoid WASTE they called "lunch", before joining the line himself. As he grabbed his tray, an arm quickly pulled out a thermos from his PAK and placed it onto Zim's tray. The human known as Mary gazed up in horror and awe at where the PAK's arm had been, some drool seeping out of her mouth.
"Uh, that's normal." Zim said, smiling a little too wide.
The Mary-beast blinked, then nodded and walked away with her lunch. Zim quickly grabbed whatever food was available and placed it on his tray before marching towards his destination.
Zim approached his target from behind, hoping to get the element of surprise. As he closed in on his nemesis, his soles quickened before finally breaking into a sprint. The irken braced himself and rammed shoulder first into the Dib Human, knocking the stinkbeast to the grimy floor.
All eyes in the cafeteria quickly trained on Dib as he lay groaning on the cafeteria tiles. And then the room erupted with laughter.
Zim grinned in triumph. The irken quickly took hold of the thermos, discarding the tray and letting it drop to the floor as he unscrewed the top and positioned it over Dib's carton of milk.
The Dib-sister paused her game, taking a moment to flick her eyes up at Zim, then to the thermos. Zim put a finger to his maw, asking her for silence. The Dib-sister quickly turned back to her game.
Zim's smile grew wider and with that, he poured his concoction into Dib's drink before racing through the cafeteria and getting lost amongst the crowd of skoolhumans.
After the initial shock and embarrassment of the fall and the laughter of his skoolmates died out, Dib picked himself up off the ground and returned to his seat.
"Ugh, can you believe that, Gaz?" Dib mused to his sister. "The nerve of that lizard!"
Gaz growled in irritation in response.
"I mean, seriously! He's already trying to take over our planet, he doesn't have to make me a laughing stock while he's at it."
"Yeah," Gaz replied. "You already do that enough on your own."
Dib frowned, then turned back to his lunch. The human sighed, then picked up his carton of milk and quickly downed it.
---
Dib cracked his knuckles. It was a Friday night, which means he could stay up and watch Zim through the secret cameras he had set up in the aliens base for as long as he wanted! Adrenaline pumped through his veins as he rushed ahead of his sister to get home first. As soon as he burst through the door, he ran to the stairs and flew to his room. Dib dove onto his bed and opened his laptop.
The feed to his cameras quickly loaded, revealing Zim's living room. The room seemed only to house Zim's android, but not the alien himself.
Dib watched the robot as it watched whatever was on the television screen, waiting for the invader to get home... But he never appeared. Feeling anxious, Dib switched to his other cameras, with no Zim in sight anywhere.
Dib bit his lip, his stomach feeling though it was tied up in knots. His eyes scanned the screen for any zim-like movement as he rapidly flashed between the cameras.
Finally, the door to the base opened in walked in his green-skinned enemy. Dib let a sigh of relief... Before pausing to wonder why he was so relieved.
Dib's eyes returned to the screen, and settled back in as he watched Zim take off his disguise and turned to speak to his robot.
Dib sunk deeper into his bed, and sighed... Contently? Dib quickly shot up and shook his head. Why did he feel so... Calm? Usually watching Zim made him so strung out and paranoid that he could barely be able to sleep, but now, he actually felt... somewhat relaxed. Was he really THAT tired? Dib quickly rubbed the tiredness from his eyes with a hand then returned his gaze to his laptop's screen, and tried to ignore the weird feelings slowly creeping it's way into his chest.
This was going to be a long night.
---
Dib trudged slowly as he entered his classroom. He had barely gotten any sleep all weekend, and for once, it wasn't because of him watching Zim every single minute. In fact, he had actually quit doing just that halfway through! He couldn't bare the odd feelings in his stomach and chest. Zim must have messed with his camera's channel and put in subliminal messages to mess with Dib's head! So, instead, Dib paced around his house, ranting to himself about what Zim was PROBABLY doing. And now all the human had to show for it were a pair of bagged eyes and the inability to keep awake for an extended period of time.
Dib involuntarily seized up when he felt someone poke at his shoulder. He slowly turned his head only to greeted by-
His eyes widened, his stomach flipped, his knees went all weak, and worst of all, his face flushed. Zim...
The irken grinned, a hint of something devious behind it as he held out his gloved hand. "Hello, Dib."
"I-I, I, I," Dib stammered, his hand reaching out to take Zim's hand in his, before quickly retracting it. "H- hi... you alien freak."
Zim's face fell into a frown and his gaze lingered on the human before he turned and marched to his desk. Dib quickly made his way to his own, sinking into his seat and holding his head in his hands, trying to calm his breathing. What on Earth just happened?
Zim glared down at his desk. Why wasn't the Dib-beast falling into a puddle of love and writhing around in it while begging to be his lovepig?! It had been two days! What had gone wrong?! Zim growled and dug his claws into his desk. He didn't want all of his work to be for naught!
The irken kept his eyes on Dib throughout the day, feeling pleased whenever Dib would look over and catch his gaze before
whipping his head back to his desk. The Dib seemed to be showing some symptoms of love, but what was diluting it? Was he just naturally immune?
At lunch, Zim decided to sit with his mortal enemy. Hopefully this plan would provoke some romantic reaction from the putrid pigboy.
The invader quickly slid onto the seat in front of the Dib-worm and his scary sister. Zim grinned mischeviously when Dib jumped in his seat
Dib seemed to lose his breath, before he glared at the bug alien. "Wh- what are you doing here, Zim?!"
"Oh, c'mon now, Dib-FOOL, can't a normal human sit down with his friend?"
Dib blinked, his eyebrows raising for a moment and a pink tint appearing on his cheeks before his glared returned. "We are NOT friends, Zim! And we will never be friends, you monster!"
"Say that while you can, Dib!"
"What do you mean by-" Dib paused, something seeming to click inside his mind.
Dib quickly dove over the table, his hands curling around Zim's uniform and bringing them face-to-face. For some reason, Dib's blush came back in full force and his stomach began to flip and swirl.
"What did you do to me, Zim?!"
"I have no idea what you're talking about!" Zim rasped as he struggled in the human's grip.
"Don't play dumb, Zim," Dib shook Zim and wrenched him closer. "You did something to my body! Again! Now tell me what you did so I can fix it!"
"You're crazy."
Dib lifted a fist in the air, ready to deliver a punch to Zim, but faltered when the irken flinched. Everything in his body felt weak and woozy, and he let Zim fall to the table. Zim couldn't help but smile to himself at his enemy's weakness.
Dib quickly stood and rushed out of the cafeteria. Zim pushed himself up and onto the table with a low chuckle. That chuckle soon turned into a loud, maniacal laugh that filled the entire cafeteria room.
When he was finished, wiping a tear from one of his eyes, he noticed that all heads on the room were turned towards him. The alien let out a cough, then ducked his head down and took a seat at the table.
---
"Now, what appears to be the problem, dear?" The school nurse asked.
"You have to help me!" Dib begged. "Zim did something to me, he's done something... WEIRD to my body!"
"...Zim?"
"The alien!"
"..."
Dib sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "The green kid with the skin disease."
"Oh! The healthy boy with the plentiful organs? What did he do to you, dear?"
"Well, I don't know what he did exactly, but whenever I see him, my stomach feels strange and so does my chest, and my face gets all hot! He's done something to me and I might need surgery to get whatever he did out!"
The nurse backed up. "Oh my... This IS serious!"
"Finally! Someone who believes me."
The nurse quickly walked over to her phone and pressed a few buttons. "Hello? Mr. Superintendent Man from Superintendent Land? What is the protocol on the homosexuals, again?
Dib's mouth fell open and blanked. He then shook his head and frowned deeply, hopping off the chair and storming out of the office.
---
"Computer! What is the meaning of this?!" Zim shouted up at the machine.
"Um... What do you mean, like, specifically?" The machine droaned.
"The Dib Human! He's not in love with me yet! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!"
"Wait... Did you actually expect it to happen overnight?"
"...Yes."
"Wow."
"Computer, your master asked you a question."
The computer sighed. "Humans don't just fall in love immediately, it's gradual."
"What?!" Zim yelled. "Can't we make it go faster?"
"I mean, maybe, but it probably wouldn't turn out good. Unless you don't mind having another Keef-human on your hands."
Zim froze. "NO. No... If I must wait, then that is the burden that this invader must face."
---
Dib groaned in frustration, hanging his head in his hands. He was waiting by the class room door to confront Zim. Whatever that freak had done to him was ruining him! He couldn't think of anything but Zim, which in itself wasn't unusual, but this time it was... Different. Whenever he thought about the alien menace, a warmth bloomed in his chest, his hands became clammy, and he became antsy. Instead of actively seeking Zim out, it was as though he couldn't escape him.
As soon as he saw Zim's black boot step it's way into the room, Dib pushed him up against the wall.
"Tell me, Zim! Tell me now!" The human demanded. "What did you do to me?!"
"I told you, Dib-worm, I have no idea what you're talking about!"
"Dib! Stop trying to strangle Zim this instant." Ms. Bitters called. "I heard about your homosexual feelings for him, and you're not allowed to deal with them through murder."
Dib stumbled back in shock. "What? No! That's not true!"
"Ms. Bitters?" The Letter M raised his hand. "What's a homosexual?"
"A homosexual is a boy who has feelings for other boys," The ghastly teacher answered, turning her head towards Dib. "Probably because of absentee parents."
"Hey!" Dib yelled.
"You do have absentee parents though, Dib!" Melvin chimed in.
"We're all aware of that, Melvin, you would have known that if you had listened." Ms. Bitters snarled. "And you'd better learn to, unless you want your ears forcibly ripped from your skull.
"Ms. Bitters, is being a homosexual contagious?" Sara asked.
"There hasn't been enough research into the subject, so as far as we know Dib could be contaminating all of you as we speak."
Dib's hands curled into fists. "This is ridiculous! If you guys would just listen to me-
"Shut up, Dib!" Carl interrupted. "You're crazy AND a homosexual!"
Snickers sounded throughout the classroom. Dib let out a growl and pushed Zim away before rushing out of the classroom.
Zim smiled at the door as he chuckled. All according to plan...
"Zim, stop your evil chuckling at once and head to the nurse. You need to be decontaminated."
Zim's head drooped and his lips pulled into a frown, and reluctantly began his march out of the room.
Ms. Bitters turned back to her class. "... You know, back in my day, we would take the homosexual boys out into the forest and beat them with tree branches to punish them... Were not allowed to do that anymore, though... Shame."
---
Dib stared up at his living room ceiling, trying to focus on the gross stains left behind from the time he raised the dead. He involuntarily shuddered at the memory... So many zombies.
However, his mind quickly returned to his previous focus: Zim. And the worst part is he felt HAPPY whenever he thought about the alien. Dib felt relaxed and content thinking about the tyrant that was bent on taking over his planet. He regarded the bug monster FONDLY, words like "cute" flooding into his head when he thought about Zim's large bug-like eyes or antennae or his high-pitched voice. His heart would be faster and his cheeks would flush and butterflies would flutter around his stomach.
It was torture.
Gaz walked by, taking a second away from her game to squint down at her brother.
"Were you not at school today?" She asked. "I couldn't help but notice you not bothering me at lunch."
"Gaz, I haven't been to school in three days."
"Oh." Gaz shrugged, then turned back to her game.
Dib suddenly shot to his feet. "I haven't been to schhol because everyone thinks I like guys, Gaz!"
The girl paused. "...What?"
"Everyone thinks I like guys and have feelings for Zim!"
"So?"
"What do you mean "so?"" Dib gaped.
"Everyone already thinks your crazy, but you don't think that's true. So what's the problem with them thinking you like guys?"
"Because I don't! Or, I think I don't. I like girls!" Dib replied. "But I..."
"...You...?"
"I might, um, actually, uh..."
Gaz remained silent before turning to her brother, her eyes widening. "Are you joking?"
"I don't know! I keep having all these WEIRD feelings whenever I think about Zim! It's driving me crazy."
"Are you kidding me?"
"No, I wish I WAS! I think Zim did something to make me like guys with his weird alien technology."
"Or maybe you just like both?"
Dib blinked. "...You can do that?"
Gas sighed into her free hand. "You know what? I'm not dealing with this."
"Gaz, wait! You have to help me! I can't face him like this when I might actually like him."
"...Then don't."
"But, I have to! I'm the only one who can save Earth!"
"...Then do it."
"It's not that simple!"
Gaz took one last look at her brother before shaking her head, returning to her video game, and walking away.
"Gaz!"
"Hello, Dib." A voice rasped from behind.
Dib jumped and whirled around to face the intruder. "Zim!"
"Yes, it is I!" The invader announced. "It's nice that you are aware of who your superior is."
"How did you get in here?!"
"Oh, your scary sister let me in here a few minutes ago.
"What?!"
"And I heard everything."
"WHAT?!"
"There's no need to shout, Dib-worm," Zim's tone became much gentler. "And you have no reason to fret, as I have something to confess."
Dib raised his eyebrows.
"I feel the exact same way," Zim said. "I want to be your disgusting lovebeast, too."
With the way his face heated up, Dib wanted to sink into the earth purely from embarrassment.
"Zim, that is- I, uh, I don't- you-" Dib's words caught in his throat when Zim reached over to grasp his hand. "D-don't you think this will affect our rivalry?
Zim chuckled. "Oh, I can assure you, it will not."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course!" Zim lied. "The Almighty Zim would never lie about such a sensitive and disgustingly intimate subject as... love."
Dib bit his lip, eyes darting to the side as he searched his mind for a decision.
"So what do you say?" Zim asked, leaning forward.
Dib tried his best to force down the involuntary smile making it's way into his face. Total euphoria was flooding through his system and his knees were going weak in spite of the adrenaline flooding through his veins.
"Um, I mean, I, uh..." The human stammered. "...Yes."
Zim bit back a harsh laugh. Finally! All according to plan...
"I'm glad we're in agreement, Dib-pig!" Zim replied. "Now, I shall return to my base and-"
"Oh... Really?"
"Uh, yeah." The irken paused, quirking his head slightly. "Why?"
"Well, now that we're... Together," Dib couldn't help but smile. "I was thinking we could go on a date!"
"Oh..." Zim fought back a frown. "Of course! What idea did you have for this earthanoid date-thingy?"
"We can binge-watch every episode of Mysterious Mysteries together!"
It took everything within the invader's power to not run out of the Membrane's household that very moment.
---
Zim cracked his back as he entered his base. Sitting in the same spot on a couch while heavily aware of an earth-smelly holding your hand and watching some stupid human television show was torture on the body. Or, at least it was for Zim.
Gir's robotic head whipped over to his master, and he quickly hopped down from the couch and ran over to the irken.
"HI!" The robot greeted.
"Please, Gir, I've had a long day," Zim attempted to wave the robot off.
"AWW, CAUSE YOU WAS WITH BIGHEAD?" Gir squealed. "BIGHEAD AND MY MASTER SITTIN' IN A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"
"There will be nothing of the sort!" Zim said harshly. "And if there IS, it will only be a product of Dib's gross love-induced imagination."
Gir let out a high-pitched giggle before darting away from Zim, rushing into the kitchen and leaping down the open toilet, leading to the lab. Zim rolled his eyes, but quickly marched to follow him.
Down in the lab, Gir was rolling around on a heap of scrap metal and making inane noises. Zim strolled passed him, taking his place in front of one of his lab's many computers.
"The Love serum was a complete success! The Dib Human is now completely under my control." He mused to himself. "And if I can gain his affections, then that means I can do the same with every other human on this FILTHY planet!"
Gir paused his rolling about to look up at his master. "WHATCHU GONNA DO?"
"I'm going to-"
"WHATCHU GONNA DO!?"
Zim paused. "...I'm going to-"
"WHATCHU GONNA DO?!?!?!"
Zim glared deeply at the robot. Gir was blissfully unaware of the irken's anger, and began rolling around in the scrap heap once more.
Zim sighed, rubbing his temples. "I'm going to concoct more of the love serum I used on Dib, leak it into the human's water supply, and then take control of Earth when all of the humans are far too infatuated with me to stop me! All without the threat of Dib trying to thwart my plans."
Little did Zim know, Dib had gone to his room after the irken had left and opened his laptop, planning to spend the rest of the night watching his new boyfriend.
The cameras booted up and Dib flicked from channel to channel, finally landing on the one in Zim's lab.
Audio poured out through the laptop's speakers. "Now, it's time to set my plan into action! The Earth will be mine just yet!"
Dib let out a contented with as he stared fondly at the alien on screen.