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"Hey, Ford?"
"Yes, Stan?"
"You forgive me... right?"
Stan waited with baited breath, his heart thudding deep within his chest as if the answer would put a stop to it without a seconds notice. His brother's nose had been deep within his book, it was almost a surprise that he had even heard him. But at his second, hesitant question, he saw his brother's shoulders seize up, his eyes widening as if it was taking longer than usual for him to process the question.
The book fell slowly to his desk, Stan's eyes following it until he winced as it hit the wood with a dull thud.
He wasn't sure if the swaying, sinking feeling that was whirling through his stomach was from a sudden bout of sea sickness or a twisted nervous nausea as Ford stared at him, lost and concerned.
"...What's brought this on, Stan?"
"Uhh- I mean- that is-" Stan coughed, turning his gaze away from Ford's worried one. "We just haven't really spoken about it, since- you know."
Oddly, Stan wasn't quite sure he even knew what he meant by that. Since Ford had come back through the portal? Since everything that had happened afterwards? Since- since, well, any when, he guessed.
Some things they just didn't talk about.
And maybe they really should.
At least to stop his insides from chewing themselves to pieces every night when he lay awake.
Ford continued to watch him, wary and thoughtful before a smile spread across his face. He stood up, clasping Stan's shoulder until Stan finally looked him in the eye once more. "Of course. You got me back, didn't you? I wouldn't have asked you to come sailing with me if I hadn't already forgiven you."
"Oh. Oh, right."
Ford's smile turned sadder, understanding etched into his expression. "It's still nice to hear sometimes, isn't it?"
Stan's smile turned sheepish. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess it is."
Ford nodded, tightening his grip before pulling him into a tight hug that Stan reciprocated quickly and with ease, his eyes shutting tightly to stop any tears from leaking out.
"I forgive you."
~~~
I forgive you.
The words were more of a whisper of a memory, or perhaps a wish, than reality.
Stan frowned, his eyes opening slowly. He could still feel the warmth of the hug around his shoulders but it was fading fast. What wasn't fading however was the darkness. He blinked, sitting up straight- when had he sat down? But to no avail, the darkness still pervaded. He scrubbed at his eyes, blinking over and over.
"Ford?"
Silence.
He swallowed, turning his head this way and that, his eyes slowly adjusting. There was something... off about the room, something not quite right...
It hit him that it wasn't shifting at all, wasn't moving quite like a boat should.
"F-Ford?"
His heart jack-hammered in his throat, the room becoming clearer as he grabbed at the glasses on his bedside cabinet. The sudden clarity made his heart fall through his chest, cracking when it hit the floorboards with a deafening thud.
He recognised this room, but it wasn't a room he'd ever expected to be in again. Not since- Not after-
"No. No, this isn't- Come on, don't do this to me."
He pulled himself out of bed, almost falling flat on his face as his feet caught in the blankets. But he didn't care, couldn't care, not when it felt like his world had been torn asunder all over again.
This couldn't be real. It had to be a nightmare, there was no way he was back here.
He shivered as he walked, his feet picking up speed quickly as he slammed through his door and up the hallway, hand flicking on the light subconsciously as he went. The warmth of the hug had all but dissipated now, though he clung to its memory in the hopes of bringing it back to reality. his mind looped around and around, words spinning out of control. Ford- home- safe- brother- forgiven- Ford- a mixture of broken mantras that all ultimately meant one and the same at his very core.
It wasn't until he was halfway through the dimly lit corridor that he realised his thoughts at some point had started to spew from his mouth, plastering his words to the walls in a panicked babble of fear.
"Oh god, please don't let me be alone, please don't let me be-"
He skidded to a halt outside a familiar room, pushing open the door without hesitation.
Ford could yell at him later for waking him if he really wanted, but for right now- right now, all that mattered was that he was there, groggy and confused, he could even punch him if need be and he wouldn't even care-
The door opened with what felt like a cloud of dust, the echoing thud against the wall casting off more in it's wake. It billowed out, cold and clinging to his skin, making him cough as he pushed his head in.
The light from the hallway danced across the empty walls, the still made bed, and pulled curtains. It was all just the way he had left it, untouched, hoping that he would get him back before there was time for the bed to seem disused.
There was no one there though, no grumbling scientist, no concerned brother- no one.
Just the quiet, creaking house and his own panting, painful breaths.
"No. No, no, no-"
His feet were moving before he was fully aware of it, clambering, lumbering movements down the stairs two at a time, stumbling more than once but nothing stopped his forward momentum for more than a few seconds. He carried on regardless, ready to wake the whole house up if it meant somebody would appear, somebody would tell him that everything was OK and the world hadn't flipped upside down while he slept.
It can't have.
It mustn't have.
He couldn't bear to live through it all, not again.
Not when he'd been so sure he'd gotten him back.
Not when they had made amends and gone on the adventure they'd always promised they would.
It wasn't fair. Life couldn't be that unfair to him.
The ice cold stone steps brought him back from his spinning thoughts, his breakneck speed broken only by the prospect of an untimely demise down the flight of unyielding steps. He still took them fast, but carefully, hand sliding down the wall to keep him from falling as he traversed the small staircase that seemed to stretch every time he blinked.
The view at the bottom was everything he wished it wasn't.
His legs crumpled from under him.
There was the portal, it's gaping maw open wide and somehow staring at him judgmentally all at once.
You did this. You did this-
"No- I fixed you. I got him back."
And yet the portal said otherwise, still broken, still unlit, it's twisted, shards of metal not even close to being reconstructed to how it should be.
And yet he was sure he'd seen it complete, sure he'd twisted wires and hoisted panels into place. Sure he'd watched himself do everything he needed to do, inputted codes that he had no recollection of researching and yet still knew off by heart.
And if none of that was real, then did that mean-
Stan pushed himself up, gritted teeth and clenched fists pushing him on as he made his way back to another hidden room. It had taken him weeks to truly explore Ford's house, but his journal had helped. There were pages missing, but that didn't mean that most of the instructions weren't easy enough to follow, it had just been finding all the ingredients, all the materials that Ford supposedly had just lying around that had been the tricky part.
At least until he had found Ford's meditation area.
All he could do now was hope.
~~~
"Hey, hey, you alright there, kid?"
Stan breathed a sigh of relief, spinning round to the bright flickering yellow that was materialising between him and the now greyed out portal. "Bill." In the gloom of the mindscape, his fears began to fizzle, embarrassment licking at his heels as the impassive creature stared back at him, concern emanating but not quite reaching him. "I- that is- sorry, this is stupid."
"Hey, I'm right here, okay?"
Stan winced. Was it that obvious? Was he that easy to see through?
He hadn't even said that he'd been panicking about being alone and this thing knew about it.
Then again, that's what you got for tangling with a- well, whatever he was.
"Yeah. You're here. Sorry, just thought for a bit that I'd- dreamt everything up and- well, you know me." Stan's grin grew crooked, self-deprecating. "Not exactly gonna get Ford back on my own, am I?"
Bill drifted closer, eye wide and shocked. "Well, it's not like I could get him back on my own either. We need one another." Bill's eye crinkled, his strange makeshift smile obvious even without a mouth. Stan felt the need to shiver but refrained, not wanting to offend. "And I told you- I want him back as much as you do. I'll be right here, with you until we get him back- you do believe me, right?"
"Yes!" The word came out in a hurry, fear mingling once more that this creature that knew how the portal worked would up and leave him if he wasn't careful. Trust him? Maybe not. But it was his only ticket to Ford. "Of course, I do. Wouldn't be talking to you if I thought you were just a figment."
Bill laughed. "You're not smart enough to dream me up, kid."
That... smarted. But really, Stan didn't feel he had a leg to stand on arguing with that. "I reckon you wouldn't just be a yellow triangle either if I had."
Bill laughed harder, no offense taken at his words. "Well, if you can't sleep, how about you tackle some more of the heavy lifting for me?"
"Sounds like a plan. Who needs sleep anyway?" Stan stretched, settling himself back down over his body as Bill nodded in approval.
"Don't worry, kid, we'll get him back and the two of you will be sailing off together in no time."
Stan jolted out of his meditation, exhaustion plucking at his body but now filled with enough determination to ignore it. He pulled himself up, getting himself ready for the task at hand, his talk with Bill calming down his fears and keeping him in check.
There was a small fizzle of confusion though, a niggling strange doubt that sent a shiver down his spine though he couldn't quite put his finger on why.
He just didn't ever remember telling the creature about their dreams of sailing.