Work Text:
Ever since I could remember, I had seen the world as nothing but black and white. "Saeran, do you like the ice cream?"
"Mmhmm!"
My brother always told me I was a pure white, bright like the biggest star in the sky; innocent and special. We would look upon the sun together and smile, hoping for a future that would shine just as brilliantly.
"Saeyoung, why do you look like that?"
"Like what?"
"Why are you staring at your book so sadly? Do you not like computers? Is it too hard?"
I learned that Saeyoung thought of himself as the colour black and when he left me behind it only cemented that fact in my mind. I am the light, I'm right and he's wrong, I'll prove it to him!
I tried to put everything into those two categories. What was wrong and what was right, what felt like a muddled mix I would just throw away. It was too confusing, too much for me to understand.
"Ray, you are my most precious believer." That was right, I'm the light. "You must learn to embrace your inner darkness." So then, am I neither? I'm not dark like him, but I'm not bright either. What am I?
The world became a mix of hopeless grays, depressing colourless hues. Morals I didn't align with, ideals that weren't my own. Am I the dark one? I must be, because I could only see the world as black and white. What did Saeyoung ever mean?
---
'click, click,' this game Saeyoung got me is kind of boring. 'tap, tap, ' Saeran's eyes scanned the devices small screen with a frown, eyes lingering on a pixelated apple for far too long. 'snore, snore,' his emerald orbs drifted up from the console held firmly between his fingers. He gently placed it down on the coffee table before him. That snoring had not come from the system's speakers.
"Are you sleeping, idiot?" He grumbled, turning his head to look behind him and see the sleeping form of his brother splayed out across the cushions of the couch. He stared for a moment, soft white curls tickling his eyelashes.
"Hey Saeyoung, are you asleep?"
"Shh, Saeran, mom will hear you."
"I'm scared, can I sleep with you?"
"Always."
"I love you, Saeyoung…"
He blinked once, twice and then a third time. His breathing soft and relaxed as he watched his brother do the same. His twin's arm was draped over his eyes, obscuring them from his view while his glasses were left hanging at the collar of his shirt. Saeran went back to his game, mumbling something about a stupid brother.
"Saeyoung, I like touching your hair, it's so soft."
His brother smiled behind his glasses. "So is yours."
Saeran's hand moved to curl a strand around his finger. It's not anymore, it felt sort of course, was it ever? Or did Saeyoung lie, like he always did? He pulled a little at the strand, feeling the burn of the pressure against his scalp.
"I love you Saeran, I love you…"
He said those same words when he returned as well. Like the time they had spent apart had merely been a children's quarrel.
"I love you too…"
I love you, I love you, I love you...black and white, light and dark. What does it even mean anymore?
He crawled towards Saeyoung's prone form, just watching him for a moment. The way his lip twitches while he was dreaming, and the way his leg shifted just slightly to get into a more comfortable position. All things he remembered him doing when they were little kids.
His attention shifted towards Saeyoung's crimson locks, wondering if they were as soft as he remembered them being. His hand lifted from the poorly carpeted flooring, inching closer and closer to that familiar head of messy hair. His brother let out a huff of warm air and he paused. Feeling a little panicked, he wasn't a heavy sleeper after all.
The smaller twin waited, keeping a calm expression despite his inner turmoil until the coast seemed clear. Then he dove in the rest of the way, fingers tangling through those strands before patting and caressing. It was almost akin to the action one would do when petting a cat. Gentle, soothing, soft, curious, wondering.
It's the exact same...like it was back then.
Saeran felt a warmth leaking from his eyes involuntarily and dripping down the sides of his face. His memories bursting forth in unwelcome whirlwinds around his consciousness.
Why couldn't it have stayed that way? Why did you leave? Why did you leave me behind? Saeyoung, Saeyoung! Saeyoung!
He let out a startled gasp as he felt a hand clamp down around his wrist, wrinkling the fabric of his sweater. Saeyoung...was crying. "Saeran?" He ripped himself from the others grip, "don't go!" He didn't want to be here, he wanted to leave, he began to run.
If you don't understand something, then throw it away.
"Saeran! Please!"
"Shut up!" His hand gripped the doorknob to his bedroom, noting that his salvation was just beyond this door. His hand made quick work of turning the handle, pulling the wooden barrier away from the wall. 'Slam!' he jumped as a fist kept him from opening it, from retreating into his sanctuary and away from his brother. Away from that traitor.
"Please Saeran, please don't run away from me."
He didn't dare look at him, he didn't dare turn to his twin and see those stupid eyes staring at him in both hurt and...hopefulness. "What are you even saying?" He asked, feeling blind from the misery exiting through his tear ducts. "I don't know if you remember this, the one who ran away...the one who left me, it was you, wasn't it?" He said, making sure to emphasize his twin's faults.
"Saeran I -!"
"Even though you remember what you did to me, you still dare to say such a thing!" He began to struggle as he was turned to face his twin, but he couldn't see him through the clouded veil over his vision. The source of the unwelcome wetness coating his flushed cheeks.
"Saeran, listen to me."
"No! Let go of me!"
Black and white, light and dark. What did you mean by them?
"Saeran, I love you."
"I don't care!"
"Saeran, I love you."
"Shut up, you traitor!"
"..." Saeran let out all the air in his lungs as he was suddenly pulled against his brother's chest. He felt his body still, his twin's warmth blooming across his skin like flowers on a warm spring morning. He closed his eyes and became silent, was Saeyoung the light? He felt warm in his presence, like things could be seen so clearly now, where he'd been blind before. Those gray colorless blobs became rainbows all on their own, just by him being there. "Saeran.."
He sniffled, not saying another word but feeling and relishing in the other's presence all the same. Why did you have to leave Saeyoung? Why did you do this to me?
"I have always loved you."
That's a lie.
"Leaving was hard for me…"
Lies, lies!
"But I always thought of you. Everything I did, everything I still do, it's all for you…" he took in a breath. "Saeran, do you remember that talk about light and dark? How I said you were the white of the light and I'm the darkness of the objects?"
Were those the words he used? "What about it?" He'd always wondered, always thought, always assumed..
"Well, those two are completely different no matter how you put it, right? But they have something in common…"
"What?"
"I may be leaving out a lot of things, but I truly believe that you are white and I am black."
"I don't…" He was pushed back by his shoulders, back pressing against the door behind him. Their eyes meeting, mirrored faces painted in tears that cried for the past long lost to time.
"It's that, they both exist in all colors…"
Saeran's breath hitched while he waited for a further explanation.
"That's why, I am not just 'black', just like the objects around us, I am colorful. But without light, nothing can be seen," he paused for a moment, glancing to the side before looking back with a forced smile. "and likewise, if there's only light and nothing to be seen, then there's no meaning to it. So...that's why, from now on, let's stay together in this colorful world!"
Saeran stared at him, saying nothing for a long time. That's why? That was the reason? "You're a liar." I won't be hurt again .
"I'm not lying!" Was his brother's argument.
I won't let you do it anymore.
"After all…" Saeran started. "I'm nothing but a gray blob. I'm not the light, I'm not the dark. I am unrefined, clumsy, weak...and I always made you say things that made me feel better…"
"I promise we'll be together forever, Saeran.."
"I'm reading this so we can make money and get a better future…"
" We'll escape here someday."
"But none of that was true? Was it? You must've had a hard time being with me…"
"I've always loved you, Saeran."
"It was because I was a good for nothing brother, that you left, wasn't it?"
"I've always loved you, Saeran… "
"No, you're wrong…"
"It's because you hated me so much -"
"No! You're wrong!" Saeyoung yelled, cutting the younger Choi from his depressive tangent. "I have never once thought, I hated you. Your virtues, your flaws, I love them all…"
"You...I hate you!" What am I saying? "I hate you, I hate you, I really despise you!"
"Saeran…"
"Leave me alone already and don't concern yourself with me anymore!" I don't know what I should say anymore. I just said something terrible to him. "I hate you, I hate you so much!"
"That's alright…"
Saeran's breath hitched.
"I won't believe that, so you can say whatever you please." Saeyoung pulled his twin back into another hug, the world around them brimming once more with so many warm colors. A rainbow, the full spectrum was in his view again. "No matter how many times and how many years you say that, it won't matter, because…" was there really ever just black and white? "I also love that side of you…."
"I'll always love you Saeran…" the Saeyoung from his memories had told him.
"I love you, just the way you are."
And like that, in my brother's arms, despite the fact that I was blind from my tears, I could feel his warm and dazzling presence, freeing me from this gray coloured world.