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I don’t regret it. I don’t regret killing them and tricking Namatame into throwing more into the TV and I certainly don’t regret deceiving the brats into thinking I was just a harmless idiot. I don’t regret the pain I caused others, and I don’t regret my plan to destroy the world.
I only have a single regret—I regret that Nanako ever got involved.
I don’t like people—can’t remember the last time I felt anything other than disinterest or hatred towards another human being—but the Dojima family were different. Dojima-san took me under his wing, and for all the shouting and orders and dragging his drunken ass back to his house in the middle of the night, I found myself genuinely enjoying the time we spent together. Even now, he comes to visit me in prison, and I don’t dislike the conversations we share with a pane of glass between us.
But even more than Dojima-san, I care about Nanako-chan. I never had a little sister, but if I had, I wish she was like Nanako. Until I met the kid, I’d never felt… protective of another human being, but I was like that with Nanako. In fact, I still am, and I’d fucking murder anyone who hurt her.
So when she appeared on the Midnight Channel, I felt like I was about to fucking die. I couldn’t stop Namatame from kidnapping her without ruining my entire game (and the thought of the game ending and going back to life in the boonies was so fucking boring I’d have rather put a bullet through my skull), so I… I was a fucking pussy and let the game continue and—I let Namatame throw her into the TV.
I’m such an asshole. I already knew that—and I’m proud of it—but I actually felt guilt when Nanako ended up inside the TV world. Me, guilt? The concept was totally fucking foreign to me. Too young to get a Shadow and therefore a Persona, Nanako was vulnerable inside that death trap. Even after Narukami and the other brats saved her, she ended up in a fucking coma.
Because of me, Nanako-chan actually fucking died. By some fucking miracle that I suspect had something to do with that fucking bear, she was revived, but still—I killed her. And even when she survived, she was hospitalised for weeks and…
Because she’s so wonderful and fucking perfect, Nanako doesn’t hold a grudge. Even now, two years since I got her killed, she doesn’t hate me. Dojima-san passes on messages from her when he visits me, and she really seems to like me. She talks about how she enjoyed having me around and she thought I was funny and she liked how Dojima-san seemed happier with me around. I know she’s old enough to remember her ordeal, but she doesn’t ever bring it up. Is she just such a caring human being that she fucking forgave me for what I did to her?
I adore Nanako, but I’ll never understand her—I never understand humans full stop—especially her kind and forgiving nature.
As I sit alone in my cell, I realise something—perhaps the reason I hate Narukami so much is because he got what I wanted, a family with Dojima-san and Nanako-chan? He got to live with them and be loved by them and spend time being a family, and I never got that. That must be part of why I hate the fucking brat.
Because it’s true—as embarrassing as it is to admit, I, a murderer, wanted nothing more than to have a family. Perhaps, if I don’t get executed or stuck in prison for the rest of my life, I might be able to meet up with them when I get out. I want to be a family, to look after Nanako and be looked after by Dojima-san.
But I can’t have that. Because I’m a fucking idiot and now I’m alone in a cell and even though I wanted to end the world, I’m really fucking lonely.
Isn’t that just pathetic?