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"Just keep an eye on this door, Lance. We won't be able to see an attack coming from this direction. We can't let them get behind us." Shiro's voice echoed in my mind.
Another shiver dragged through my body. I'm honestly surprised there is energy to even move that much. It probably won't be long now. It doesn't hurt anymore, at least the physical stuff doesn't. I don't think the mental hurt will stop until I die, maybe not even then. If there is a Hell I deserve to go there and I will deserve to be tormented for the rest of eternity for my failure. No one in the history of ever has screwed up as badly as I just did, and it cost me everything.
I wonder if the guards even realize how badly they hurt me? Probably not, they keep going on about how fragile humans are. Well, it's for the best. I can't hold out forever and I don't want to give away anything about the Blade or the Rebels. It's best if the last Paladin of Voltron dies now, rather than later, after the druids have had a chance to strip everything out of my mind. I can feel them getting closer to breaking through. It's like having something scratch into your brain, not fast, but slowly inch by inch - cutting and burning. I can't hold out much longer. It's one of the reasons I kept provoking the guards. There is no hope of rescue. The only people who knew I was here are dead. I killed them all. I killed the last two Alteans. I killed my leader and friend. I killed my teammate and little sister. I killed my best friend and brother. I killed the man that I've secretly been in love with for more than a year.
I deserved the torture. They thought it would make me answer their questions, but why would I? Why would I deny that I deserved every shock, every slice, every whip, every broken bone? I didn't need to tell them anything to make it stop. I needed them to make my outside hurt as much as my inside. I needed them to punish me enough to make me feel like I'd made amends for what I did. There isn't enough hurt in this world to compare with the hole in my heart and nothing can ever erase the pain I've caused. Millions of lives will suffer under continued Galra rule, because I couldn't do one stupid little thing. One thing Lance - you had one job.
I want to be forgiven, but I can't be. I wish they could at least tell me I'm doing the right thing now. At least know that my final sacrifice in some way makes us even, but somehow as I lay here getting colder and colder I wonder, is this what they would want? Surely they'd understand that I am weak and that I can't hold out. I mean I already failed them. I can't risk failing the Rebels and the Blade. Right? I mean if I was Shiro, sure I could hold out for a year and then break free and rejoin the rebellion and fight until the Galra are gone, but then I think I've proven that I'm no Shiro.
I couldn't even kill that slave in the arena. They shot her anyway and then beat me unconscious. The next time was a beast with really long claws. I think they must have used magic to put my guts back in. I remember feeling them slide out and being so surprised that they just kept coming and coming…how do they all fit in there anyway? They didn't even try to put me in again after that. Just brought back to the cell, barely feed, taken out each day for questioning, and returned each night with a beating from the two I've been calling Dumb and Dumber. I don’t think they like that.
Something is making a lot of racket outside. I wonder if the guards got in trouble for killing me. I hope it's not a druid. They'll just try to heal me again so they can kill me when they want. These sounds remind me of that night weeks ago when it all ended.
I was supposed to watch the door. The plan was that Shiro would go in with Pidge. Hunk and Keith were guarding the front entrance, but there was a back door to the control room Pidge was accessing to get prisoner information downloaded. I just needed to watch the door. I was. I was watching, but then I heard someone crying. I turned to look and there was a girl there. She was just little. I don't know if she was a child or just a small alien, but she was crying. She was just standing at the corner, so I went over to her.
I left the door. I left my friends unprotected. I left for a poor doomed little alien girl with purple fuzzy ears and pink pigtails and the saddest eyes I have ever seen. I left my friends unguarded so that I could have a front row seat to her little body exploding from the bomb they had strapped to her chest. The blast slammed me back into the wall. Then there were more blasts, more explosions. The door I'd been standing guard by blew off its hinges and flames burst from inside. I crawled to the door. I had to try, but it was all black, burning, charred…gone. I tried to radio, but there was nothing but static. No one was there to answer my calls. I heard Allura and Coran then on the radio, trying to reach us, but their words turned to screams and soon they were gone too.
I left the door. I failed at my job. Now they are all dead and the lions and castle are likely in the hands of the Galra. The Rebels and the Blade won't stand a chance against Voltron. Someday the Galra will take Earth. I failed them all. I deserve this death.
"This way! The security on this cell is way tighter than the rest."
"Do you think it could be Dad?"
"I hope so."
I don't know why I'd hallucinate Pidge and Matt. Come on fate, really? If I'm going to hallucinate before I die, couldn't it be a shirtless Shiro or at least his voice, or you know if you can't give me fantasy at least comfort and throw me some sympathy, not just random conversation.
"Pidge, Matt, this way is clear. We have the other prisoners on the lions."
Now that's more like it. Shiro in full commander voice, saving the day again. I wish it was possible. I wish he wasn't dead and…it doesn’t matter, like my old swim coach used to say, wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up first. Wishing doesn't matter.
"Shiro, I can't get the lock, you'll have to cut it, but when you do we have to hurry. It will set off the alarms."
"Hunk, Keith, Allura, you hear that? Kolivan?"
"My team is already at the shuttles. We're ready to move."
"Good. Everyone else reports the same. Coran says the skies are still clear. Okay, stand back."
Huh, that was loud and now the alarms are blaring. Shit. I hope the druids didn't find me. I was kind of enjoying my last hallucination.
"Lance?!"
"It…it can't be…he…but…"
Well that's new, I've never heard Pidge speechless before. What a weird thing to imagine. Oh hey, now I can see them. This is getting better. I kind of hoped it wouldn't hurt at the end.
"Lance?!"
You already said that pretend Shiro. Is he crying? Wow, I do have a good imagination.
"Shiro, we need to get him out of here."
Oh hey Matt, you look older, my imagination is good. I think his hair got longer, looks good like that.
"Lance."
My eyes follow the fake Shiro's hand as he reaches out to me. I can't help but flinch when he actually touches me. Are hallucinations supposed to do that?
"I'm sorry." I manage to whisper. Even if it is just a hallucination I need to tell him. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry? What for?" The hallucination's hand feels so real on my cheek.
"I let you die. I failed. You all died because of me. Now I'm going to die too, but it's okay, I'm okay, just what I deserve." Talking is hard and I'm not sure he could hear that last part through me panting for breath. But then since he's a hallucination in my head, maybe he can hear my thoughts.
"I'm not dead Lance. None of us are dead. We're the ones that are sorry. We thought you died in the explosion. We couldn't find any trace of you and Pidge found your helmet. We thought…we thought you'd died. I…you were here and we…I wasn't even looking for you…we failed you. I failed you."
Now Shiro was pretty much sobbing, which is weird because I didn't think Shiro would be such an ugly crier. I always pictured him the silent tears streaming sort, not the snotty, choked sounding sob sort…that's more me.
"You're not dying."
Oh, yeah Pidge has the silent crying thing down. That makes sense. Maybe you only get one of each type of crying in dreams?
"Shiro? Do you want me to carry him?"
Matt really is gentle, I would think maybe these were ghosts if he wasn't here.
"No. No, I got him."
Ow. Okay, forget the end being pain free cause this quiznaking hurts. Now I'm moving, the lights are so bright out here. I push my face into Shiro's chest to shield my eyes. It works. How is this…is that his heartbeat? It's beating really fast. It's beating. His heart is beating. He's…alive? He's alive. They're alive? They're all alive! I can't stop the sobs from coming, welling up inside of me. I am just so happy that they are alive and at the same time completely freaked out because this is real and maybe I'm not going to die and I didn't destroy the universe…honestly I don't know what to feel and maybe that's another reason to cry. I can barely breathe from the pain and the crying and the moving and the feeling…
"Shhh…it's okay now. It's going to be okay. I got you. I got you, Lance. You're going to be okay."
"You're alive?"
Shiro laughed and cried at the same time, "Yeah, yeah I am."
"Then I'm not ready to die." I'm not. I'm not going to die.
"Good. That's good."
Nope now he's back to the ugly crying, huh? Is this a thing I just didn't know about him?
"Lance?!"
"Lance?"
Hunk and Keith are here.
"Lonce?"
And there's Allura. I heard Shiro contact Coran earlier, so everyone is alive. The team is alive.
I'm not sure what happened, cause I seemed to have lost track of time. Now I'm in the castle. Coran's mustache looks droopy, I wonder if he has been using his hair tonic. He's saying something to Shiro whose eyes are swollen and red.
"Lance?"
Oh when'd Shiro get so close.
"Lance, um, Coran says, well he says the pod, it might not…it might not be enough. You're hurt really bad and he's just, he's not sure it can fix you."
Oh, well that sucks.
"I think it will though. I know you and how stubborn you can be, and I need you to fight. Everyone wants to say something to you, before you go in, to encourage you, okay?"
I think I nodded, but all my brain keeps supplying is that they are saying goodbye. Maybe that's a bad thought, but just a few hours ago they were dead and didn't get to say goodbye, so this is better than that.
"Lonce, I just. You are a brave warrior. You are strong and so kind and full of such wonderful spirit. I order you to get better! Do you understand? I demand it!"
I give her a nod. I'd salute but I can't get my arm to move. Shiro seems to understand and helps me with it. It's sloppy, but she seems satisfied.
"My dear boy, I'd say that I'd never met anyone like you, but that would be a lie. Everyday you remind me so much of someone that it fills and tears my heart all at the same time. I never got to see my boy grow to your age, but I imagine he would be very much like you and having you here has been like having a part of him back. I need you to fight. Please, don't make me lose him again. Don't make me lose you too."
Coran grabs my hand and sniffles making his moustache move. I give him a smile and a nod.
"Lance, you got this. I know you are strong enough. I know you. I know what you are capable of and it's usually a lot more than any of us give you credit for. I'll see you when you get out."
Keith direct, blunt, and somehow really encouraging - that's my leader. I give him another salute with Shiro's help.
"Don't die, you ass."
It's would sound harsh if she wasn't doing that silent cry thing again. I reach out my hands and she gently wraps me into a hug. I didn't know she did gentle, I must look bad.
"Buddy, you get better. You hear me? I need you alive. We all need you alive and kicking. Red has been extra cranky. She burned Keith's boots one day."
Ow…okay laughing hurts, but feels good too. Hunk's hug is as all encompassing as ever.
"Lance, we need you. I need you."
Shiro and the ugly crying, it's like the faucet that won't turn off. I pat his hand. I wonder if he knows how I feel about him. Something must have translated in my expression though because his breath hitches as he meets my eyes. His eyes narrow and widen again dramatically and a little smile tugs at his mouth.
"I didn't."
Oh wait, did I say some of that out loud? He leans forward and I almost stop breathing, am I sure this is real? I could have hallucinated this all right? I'm still in the cell cause this isn't happening. His lips are so soft and warm and I want to want more, but I'm too tired and too hurt.
"That's just something to think about while you are in there. When you get out we are going to talk more."
Talk? Hell, I want more of that kiss! Guessing that was out loud because Shiro is blushing and there is laughter in the background. Shiro picks me up and leans me into the pod. As the icy grip pulls me unconscious I know, I know in my heart, that I'm not going to die today.