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Steve barely has time to wake up after surgery before Natasha comes bursting into his room in the med wing. Nat is one of those people that looks calmer the more upset she is, because she always puts great effort into hiding her true emotions.
To anyone else she would look unbothered by what just happened, but Steve can see the wild look in her eyes and the way her hands twitch at her sides. He supposes getting shot multiple times while trying to break through someone’s seventy years of brainwashing can seem idiotic to someone who doesn’t know the whole story.
That day on the bridge when they first saw the winter soldier he’d been in shock after seeing who was behind the mask. Sam and Nat had just assumed it was because his friend was supposed to be dead, and it was shocking to see him alive. That was true, but Bucky had been so much more than a friend, he was everything to Steve.
He never found the right time to tell them the truth, or perhaps he was just scared. He knew they would be accepted now, but a couple years ago he was living in the 40’s, having no choice but to hide.
“I’m fine, thanks for asking.” He tries to joke to lift the mood, but it’s not working. He’s doped up on all kinds of medications they gave him before they removed the bullets. Luckily, the bullet that hit his back went right through him, exiting through his stomach with minimal damage.
He wonders if Bucky did that on purpose, he’s a trained assassin, he knows where to aim if you want to hurt someone without killing them just as well as he knows how to take someone out. His head hurts too much to think about that right now, but he can’t stop it.
“Why would you do that Steve?” Nat says in a sharp voice, looking at him like he’s a little kid who just did exactly what she told him not to do. Steve just looks at her, his brain is a bit preoccupied with thinking about the fact that Bucky is out there somewhere, hurt, scared and alone, so coming up with something to say isn’t working.
“Why-” She stops and runs a hand through her hair before she continues, “How could you do that to us? To me?” Her anger is replaced with fear as she looks at him with shiny eyes.
“You could’ve died Steve.” This time she’s looking at him with confusion, she doesn’t understand, even after everything he’s done for Bucky, she still doesn’t get it.
Steve looks down at his hands in his lap. He has no idea what to say or how to make her understand. He knew that Bucky wouldn’t kill him, he could see that Bucky’s anger was masking fear, fear because he was staring to remember. Steve can only imagine what it feels like to break out of the brainwashing only to see yourself hurting someone you love.
“Nat, you have no idea how much he means to me. I will never give up on trying to bring him back.” It’s not enough, he just can’t find the words he needs to explain. How can he ever put into words what Bucky means to him? How can he ever explain what he would do to make sure Bucky is okay?
Steve would die right now if it meant Bucky would live a happy life away from Hydra. He would happily take as many bullets from the Winter Soldier as he needed to break out Bucky.
“There’s something you’re no telling me Steve. Please help me understand why you would risk everything for a guy you knew seventy years ago.” She looks desperate, pleading, she needs to understand. Steve reaches under his pillow, pulling out something he hopes can explain to her what he can’t put into words.
He gestures for her to come closer from where she has been standing halfway between the door and his bed. He picks up one of the two items in his other hand and reaches out to give it to her. She sits down on the chair at the side of his bed and lets him put the item in her hand. His heart is hammering in his chest, he’s finally able to tell her who Bucky is to him. It’s exciting and terrifying all at once.
She looks confused at first, it’s just a compass. It’s small and round, old; from before the war. Steve gives her a small nod and she opens it. There is a photo on the inside of the lid, of a young man. He is smiling, something she’s never seen the Winter Soldier do. The man in the photo looks kind and gentle, happy. She looks questioningly at him for a moment before her attention returns to the photo.
“Steve, is this-?” She trails off, now she seems like the one who doesn’t know what to say. He takes a moment to figure out what to say next. This is the first time he can tell anyone; he wants to make sure he gives her the right impression of their relationship. He finally settles for saying the first thing that came to his mind when she asked.
“Bucky,” He pours all his emotions into his words. “That’s my Bucky.” He opens his hand to show her the other item. She looks at him, unsure, and he nods. When she picks up the dog tags to give them a closer look, she sees that it’s not Steve’s name on them. James B Barnes, 32557038.
There is something else hanging on the chain, and as she strokes her finger over the silver ring, he can see that she’s realizing what he’s trying to say. Her eyes fall back on Steve’s hand and her suspicions are confirmed when she sees that he is wearing a silver ring identical to the one in her hand. She gives him a knowing look and puts the chain and compass back in Steve’s hand. He opens his mouth to start to explain but she holds up a finger to stop him.
“You don’t have to tell me.” She says in a soft voice, her eyes are warm and there’s a small smile on her lips.
“You’re the first person I’ve told. We never told anyone about us.” Finally telling someone feels better than he could’ve imagined, but it also makes the situation hurt more. It’s as if it didn’t feel real when he was the only one who knew and now that the information is out there, he is forced to face the pain.
He can’t stop thinking about what Bucky is going through alone somewhere. He knows Hydra collapsed but that doesn’t stop his fear of someone from Hydra finding him and taking control of him again.
“Did you want to?” She asks. Steve chuckles even though no part of this situation is funny. She has no idea how much they wanted to, how often they had to stay silent when all they wanted to do was to scream to the world that they loved each other.
“Of course, but we couldn’t.”
“I know.” They sit in silence for a while, Natasha looking deep in thought before she suddenly stands up. “I’ll help you find him.” She looks determined as ever and somehow Steve just knows, they will find his soulmate.