Chapter Text
Blood. God, there was so much fucking blood. Eddie cried out as Richie ripped his jacket off, pressing it down on the wound hastily. Tears were pouring down his face and his body shook violently. They needed to get him out of there right fucking now. He was losing too much blood. He was going to die if they didn’t get him out of there.
“Richie,” A hand was placed on his shoulder and he jumped before turning, sighing in relief once he saw his face. It’s been an intense few days and he couldn’t stop thinking about everything that’s happened and getting absolutely terrified.
“Stan…” Richie murmured, turning around fully, looking at his best friend with tired eyes.
“When’s the last time you slept?” Stan frowned, looking at him with concern. Richie sighed, looking down. His eyelids felt so heavy, and his limbs felt so weak. He couldn’t even remember the last time he fell asleep. On purpose, anyway.
“I sleep,” Richie said defensively, his voice coming out strained.
“Yeah, no you don’t,” Stan sighed. “C’mon, I’ll drive you back to the Inn.” It wasn’t a question. Richie groaned as he was pulled through the hospital, watching each room pass by until they were outside in the parking lot.
“My car’s here,” Richie pointed out. Ben had dropped it off for him a day ago.
“Yeah, but I'm not letting your drive.” Once again, it wasn't a question. Richie found himself sitting in the passenger seat of Stan's car, staring out at the hospital in front of them. He chewed on his lips, tapping on the seat anxiously. He hasn’t left the building since he got there; he was still wearing the same blood-stained button-up he put on a few days ago.
“He's going to be okay,” Stan stared at him, the car not even started yet. Richie looked up at him, trying his best to nod. He didn’t say anything. He couldn’t say anything. He won’t let himself say anything bad nor good about the situation. Sure, the situation was fucking terrible, but saying something bad will just make everything worse. Oppositely, if he stayed too positive he would get his hopes up too much. He decided it was best to just say nothing.
“I know he’s going to be okay,” Stan said surely, now starting the engine. Richie stared helplessly at the other man before turning to look out the window. How the fuck could stan possibly know that? How was anyone supposed to know what was going to happen? The fucking doctors didn’t even know what was going to happen.
Eddie was going to fucking die for him. Eddie dying for him would be the worst possible thing to ever fucking happen, and yet Richie was sure that was going to happen.
“Richie,” Stan said sternly, momentarily pulling him away from his helpless panic. “We’re going to get him out of here.” Richie looked up at Stan’s stone-cold expression and nodded, wiping at his tears and standing up.
“He’s still breathing,” Beverly said, looking at Eddie lying on the floor. Richie tried turning towards her voice, but he couldn’t look away from the body that lay bleeding out on the floor. Stan had stabilized him the best he could, knowing exactly what to do to slow down the bleeding. Thank fucking God for Stanley Uris, Richie thought. Without him, Eddie would probably already be dead. Richie didn’t really want to think about that right now.
“Help me pick him up,” Ben said, crouching down and putting his arms under Eddie. Richie swallowed, watching helplessly. They all waited, watching Richie. When he didn’t move, Bill stepped forward and grabbed the other half of him, both of them lifting him up with ease.
“Richie, come on,” Mike murmured in a small, gentle voice. “He’s going to live.” Richie hated that. He hated having to be reassured that Eddie was going to live. This shouldn’t have happened. He should have just taken Eddie out of that godforsaken town when he had the fucking chance.
He followed the rest of them out of that stupid fucking lair, making their way back out to the Neibolt house. The clown was finally dead, but Richie felt nothing at that. He just wanted to get Eddie to safety as fast as possible.
“Should we call an ambulance?” Bev asked, pulling out her phone.
“There’s no time,” Stan said. “Everyone meet me at the hospital.” Ben and Bill nodded as Stan opened his car door, placing the body gently in the backseat. Eddie. Placing Eddie in the backseat. Richie stared at the scene in front of him, his stomach dropping.
“Richie,” Stan looked at him. “You’re riding with me.” Richie gave a silent thank you to him before rushing to the front seat, staring back at Eddie the whole time as Stan sped threw the town. It didn’t take that long. Derry was small, and Stan was going well over the speed limit. Once they got there, people were already rushing out to help them. Bev must've called the hospital when they left. When they started wheeling his body away, Stan grabbed his arm and pulled him back. Richie turned to him with anger but deflated when he saw his expression
“They’re going to take care of him but we can’t follow him in there,” Stan said. Richie nodded slowly and the two made it into the waiting room, waiting for everyone else to arrive. They had to sign a lot of papers and answered a lot of questions. The story they came up with ended up being that they were all drinking, and Eddie fell onto a jagged pipe. No one seemed to really believe them considering all six of them were pretty banged up as well, but no one really questioned it. When the doctors finally came out they said that Eddie was in a stable condition. He was in and out of consciousness due to extreme blood loss and a terrible infection. The infection really took his toll on Eddie’s body, though. The doctors tried treating it the best they could, but Richie knew that getting impaled like that then getting dragged through shit water was not good for anything.
When they go to the Inn, everyone but Mike and Bill, who were back at the hospital, sat around in the lobby area talking in hushed voices. Richie could barely make out his own name before everyone silenced.
“Richie!” Patty greeted, getting up from her spot next to Audra and coming over to him, wrapping her arms around him. Audra, from her spot, looked up and gave him a small nod and a smile. The two women had been extremely kind throughout the entire thing. When Patty arrived with Stan everyone was wary of telling her what was going on, but she didn’t press too much for more information. She simply came to support her husband, even staying at the Inn when they all went out to fight It. She was incredibly sweet and caring throughout everything that has happened. Audra came the following morning after Eddie was admitted into the hospital. She was a lot more straight to the point and forward, but Richie still found her sincere and comforting nonetheless.
“My love,” Richie grinned, kissing her cheek. “You waited for me.” Patty pulled away and laughed before turning and pressing a kiss to her husband’s lips. Richie smiled at her and Stan before turning to the others.
“You finally left the hospital,” Audra observed. Richie nodded, walking over to her.
“That I did, m’ lady,” He leaned down to kiss her cheek. Everyone was laughing good-naturedly, and Ben wrapped his arms around Bev jokingly. Richie didn’t quite understand that. He was too busy with Eddie the past few days that he hadn’t realized much of what was going on for the rest of the group, but he knew that those two were kind of inseperable right now.
“Worried I’m going to steal your girl too, haystack?” Richie teased, blowing a kiss to her. She laughed and mimicked catching it and holding it to her heart.
“You ever gonna get your own girl, Rich?” Ben teased. It was a simple joke, nothing meant to hurt him, but Richie felt his stomach twist. Here he was, forty years old and in the goddamn closet. It may have been a stupid thing to be worried about considering everything else, but Richie really wished he could just tell people he was fucking gay without all the inner turmoil.
“What’s the fun in that when I can steal all your guys’s,” Richie shot him a wink. Everyone was laughing again, and the sound was almost nice to hear except for the fact that he was sick of this entire into woman schtick.
“Richie if you don’t go clean yourself up I am going to give you a sponge bath,” Stan cleared his throat, staring at him with a challenging expression. Richie let out a small exhale, mouthing a thank you before turning and bounding up the stairs, getting as far away from the others as possible. Once again, he was grateful for his best friend. Because that’s what Stanley Uris was, his best friend. They could go through years of not remembering each other and go through hell together, and in the end he’s Richie’s best friend. Richie sighed once he got up to his door, staring at it.
“You can tell them,” He jumped at Stan’s voice for the second day before turning around and leaning on the door, running a hand through his grimy hair.
“Tell them what?” He laughed nervously, keeping his voice quite enough even though he knew no one could hear them from up there.
“Don’t deflect with me,” Stan deadpanned, crossing his arms and raising his eyebrows. He didn’t look mad or annoyed, though. He looked concerned and sympathetic. Everyone kept looking at him like that and he hated it, but Richie knew this was different entirely.
“I can’t even say it out loud to you ,” Richie stared at him. It was true, he hadn’t actually told Stan the full truth. He doesn’t even think he’s ever said the words “I’m gay” out loud before other than in jokes.
“You can,” Stan nodded, letting his arms fall to his sides. “I know you can.”
“You don’t,” Richie shook his head, his eyes stinging. He was not going to cry right now.
“I do,” Stan looked at him. “I know you.” It was true, Stan did know him. Richie didn’t have to say it outloud for Stan to understand him. He knew Richie was gay and in love Eddie without Richie ever having to say it himself. Hell, he probably knew before Richie knew.
“So you know I’m a pussy,” Richie laughed dryly.
“So I know you should be proud of who you are,” Stan looked at him. “I know that you were really brave when we were fighting It, and if you can face all that, then you can come out to your friends who love you.”
The ritual didn’t work and now him and Eddie had gotten split up from the rest of the group. Richie thought they were going to die together. That would be kind of beautiful and ironic and terrifying, to die with the man he first fell in love with. Maybe Pennywise was secretly a poet.
When the got to the doors, Richie’s stomach twisted. He was brought back to twenty-seven years ago when him and Bill had faced the same doors. He remembered suddenly what had happened, and felt sick before suggesting they go into the very scary door. Eddie, of course, was less than thrilled but he agreed with him.
When the door opened, Richie stared into it, looking at what was in front of him for a moment. Goddamnit, of course it was a fucking closet. Maybe Pennywise was a fucking poet. He stared out at the open closet, shaking slightly. Somehow the legs of Betty Ripson that followed were less scary than the insinuation of that closet.
“I’ll think about it, Stan,” Richie forced a smile. “Now, shoo, I have to clean myself up so I look half as decent as Ben, down there.” He winked before opening the room door, shutting it behind him. He sighed, pressing his back against the door and clicking the lock. He was not in the mood for another heart to heart. He moved away from the door, looking around the room. His stuff was all neatly in his bag, sitting on the edge of the bed. He knew that he absolutely did not leave it like that. Goddamnit, Stanley.
Richie picked out a pair of clean sweatpants, a pair of boxers, and a sweatshirt before walking into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door. He placed the clothes on the toilet seat before turning the water on. He listened to the water run, allowing himself to look in the mirror. Wow, he really looked like shit. His eyes were bloodshot with dark bags to much, and he was still very much covered in dirty sewer water and blood. He took his glasses off slowly, placing them on the side of the sink. He turned away from the mirror, pulling off his clothes and tossing them onto the floor before stepping into the shower.
He sighed at the feel of hot water on his skin, leaning back slightly. He shut his eyes, letting the water roll over him for a moment before he opened them again, picking up a mini bottle of shampoo that was placed in there. He squeezed some out onto his hand, rubbing it into his scalp vigorously. He watched as a red brown color swirled around at his feet before doing down the drain. He looked away from it, grabbing a cloth and the body wash. He scrubbed his body down, again watching the blood and grime wash off him. He clenched his fists slightly before aggressively scrubbing at his fingernails, getting every ounce of Eddie’s blood off of him.
He swallowed, shutting the water off and pulling back the curtain, wrapping the towel that was hanging behind the door around himself. He dried himself off enough before throwing it over the side of the bathtub, walking back over to the mirror. He shoved his glasses on his face, opening up the bag on the counter that held his toothbrush and other bathroom shit. He pulled out a razor and shaving cream. He might as fucking well.
“You clean up nicely, Richie,” Bill nodded towards him once he got back down to the lobby. All of them were sitting down there still as if waiting for him. God, they all were really great people. If only he could just tell them without freaking the fuck out.
“Thanks, Billiam,” Richie blew him a kiss. “I always knew you were secretly wanted to fuck me.” He blew him a kiss, causing an eye roll.
“Beep beep, Richie,” Bill said, smiling. Richie laughed and walked over to the group.
“Any word from the hospital?” He asked. It made him nervous knowing no one was at the hospital with Eddie. He really should go back.
“I called them, he’s sleeping,” Mike nodded.
“Are you okay, Rich?” Bev asked him, removing her head from Ben’s shoulder and giving him a look of concern.
“I’m fantastic, Miss Marsh,” He grabbed her hand and kissed it.
“See you’re still a womanizer,” Mike laughed, causing Richie to stiffen somewhat and Stan to snort. He really needed to say something. If he didn’t say anything he’d just be stuck playing a character who wasn’t him. He was sick of playing characters.
“Actually,” Richie cleared his throat, walking into the middle of the room, causing everyone to look at him. He made eye contact with Stan, who gave him a small smile and a nod. Richie took a deep breath. Fuck it, these people were family to him. Even Audra and Patty, two people he met only days ago, felt closer to him than anyone he’d ever worked with. “I need to get something off my chest.” Everyone was looking at him silently, waiting. He performed on stage for a living, and he’d never even felt a stage fright like this.
“Well,” He bounced on the heels of his feet, digging his nails into his palms. I know your secret, your dirty little secret. He swallowed thickly, shaking the memory out of his head. “Unfortunately for all of the women here, I don’t actually like any women at all, in fact…” He shut his eyes momentarily. Say it, he urged himself. You have to say it, for you. Be proud of who you are, remember? God, he felt like he was going to throw up for what seemed like the hundredth time that week.
“I’m gay,” He choked out, opening his eyes back up. “A flaming homo, if you will.” Everyone was staring at him with wide-eyes and open mouths, and for a moment Richie felt like running out of the room until they were all crowded around him. There were a lot of tears and “I'm proud of you”s, and it was honestly kind of overwhelming. He didn’t realize that he, himself, was crying.
“I knew you could do it,” Stan whispered in his ear. Richie almost cried like a baby. He only wished Eddie was here. Eddie… He shook his head. One emotional journey at a time, Tozier. Amongst the chaos, Richie hadn’t even realized that Mike had split off until he was back in the room with his phone at his hand, looking directly at Richie.
“It’s Eddie,” He said. Richie’s stomach dropped to his feet. “He’s asking to see you.” Richie breathed out in relief and he nodded.
“I’ll drive you,” Bev smiled at him. Richie nodded, walking with her out of the building.
“I’m proud of you,” She said again, pulling out a pack of cigarettes from her back pocket. “I’m serious, this has been a shitty week and it must’ve been really hard for you to admit that after everything that happened.” She put a cigarette to her lips, handing him one. He took it and she lit both of them.
“Yeah, thanks,” He nodded, putting the cigarette to his mouth and inhaling. He still could not believe he did that. He was still shaking slightly as he blew out the smoke, getting into the passenger seat of her car. She slid next to him, rolling the windows down and starting the car. “It… Pennywise, he kept taunting me about it.” He swallowed before taking another drag from the cigarette.
“I’m so sorry, Richie,” She started down the road, turning to him for a moment before looking back at the road. “I can’t imagine what that was like.”
“Surprisingly, this shitshow had a slightly weird outcome,” Richie sucked in then blew out. “Before this, I think I would have died without ever saying what I just said back there.” He sighed because it was true. Maybe it took being almost outed by a murderous clown spider demon and watching your childhood first love almost die to come to terms with yourself.
“Really fucked up silver lining?” She shrugged, puffing out smoke.
“Really fucked up silver lining,” Richie agreed, turning out towards the window and watching the buildings passed. His nerves got worse the closer they got and by the time they were in the hospital parking lot he was a wreck.
“I’m gonna wait out here for the others,” Bev said. He hadn’t realized the others were even all coming. “You gone in there.” He nodded slowly, not liking the fact that he was going alone, before turning and walking up to the hospital. He put the cigarette out, tossing it out before walking into the building.
“Richie Tozier,” A nurse greeted. Most of the nurses knew his name, he’d stayed here every night Eddie was admitted. “Here to see Eddie?” Of course I’m here to fucking see Eddie, he though. Who else would he fucking see? He nodded. She smiled and led him to his room. He already knew the way, of course, but having someone else with him was somewhat comforting.
“Richie’s here,” The nurse said to Eddie as she opened the door. “I’ll be back later to check on you.” Richie smiled to her as she left before walking into the room.
“Hey, Eds,” Richie smiled, walking over to the bed and sitting down. He’d been in the room on and off for days, but Eddie has never been fully awake. Usually he’s asleep or half way, but now he was sitting up and looking at Richie with a soft smile that made his heart melt. “Wanted to see me?”
“Yeah,” He nodded. “It was weird not having you here.” He could see that that wasn’t all he wanted to say, but Richie nodded and sat down on a chair next to the bed, the chair he spent the past few days.
“I was cleaning up for you, Spaghetti Man,” He smirked, leaning forward on his arms, placing his head on the side of the bed. Eddie chuckled, yawning.
“You look good,” He mumbled tiredly. Richie averted his eyes, coughing awkwardly and fixing his glasses. He needed to relax, he was acting as if he were thirteen fucking years old again.
“Your mom thought so, too,” Richie laughed. Eddie stared at him with intensity. Richie swallowed
“Richie,” Eddie said softly, blood gushing from the new gash in his side. Richie stared at the scene played out in front of him. Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. God fuck. Fuck. He reached out. He can’t be dead. There’s no way he’s dead. He’s Eddie Kaspbrak. His Eddie Spaghetti. His Eddie. His Eds. He can’t be dead.
They moved the body way, setting him down. Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. He didn’t know what anyone was saying. He didn’t even know what he was saying. All he knew was that he was ripping his jacket off, pressing it down against the wound, blood soaking through it at an alarming rate.
“Richie I have to tell you something…” Eddie mumbled. Richie stared at him. Oh god. God, no. God, fuck. Fuck. These could be Eddie’s last words. He may never speak again. Richie felt like he was going to throw up.
“I fucked your mom…” He giggled quietly until he was unconscious.
“I can't believe your last words were going to be a joke about my mom,” Richie shook his head, dread swarming his insides from just the thought of that time.
“Who says it was a fucking a joke?” Eddie cracked a weak smile. “It was a dying confession.”
“Shit, Eds,” Richie laughed. “If you keep it up you’re gonna have to take my place on my show.”
“Fuck off,” Eddie mumbled. “You don’t even write your own jokes.”
“Ouch,” Richie clutched at his chest. “Just hit me where it hurts like that.” Eddie lifted up his arm, flipping him the bird.
“All I’d have to do is make sex jokes a lot and I’d steal your branding in no time,” Eddie shook his head, smiling. “You know, even though you don’t write the material it has your core humor down: sex and women.” Richie swallowed, turning away. He had already said it to a room full of people. It should be easier with Eddie. He was Eddie, at one point in his life he could tell him anything. Well, not anything, but a lot.
“I’m honoured that you watch my show, Eds,” He shifted, sitting up. “But I think my humors changed since then.”
“Oh yeah?” Eddie raised his eyebrows. He looked so tired. Richie wondered if he should just leave and come back later, but he knew that would be the cowards choice. Bravery was so fucking hard.
“Yeah, I think I now prefer making jokes about having sex with men,” Richie said, tapping his fingers against the bottom of his chair.
“Sex… with men?” Eddie frowned. “What the fuck are you talking about?” Richie sighed.
“Well, Eddie Spaghetti,” Richie cracked a smile. “It turns out your mom’s really bad in bed because I ended up being a flaming homosexual.” God, that was fucking hard, but now it was out there in the open, hanging in the air.
“Holy shit,” Eddie looked at him. Richie prayed that was a good holy shit. “Richie.”
“Eddie,” He mimicked, looking away and not meeting his eyes.
“When did you know?” He asked. Richie looked back at him. Maybe it was the adrenaline of coming out to eight different people today, or maybe he decided to take this bravery thing way too far, but he answered.
“When I was thirteen,” He looked into his eyes now. Fuck killer clowns and death and being in the closet. “I had a crush on one of my best friends, he was a short mouthy little motherfucker who kicked me in the face when we shared a hammock once.” Eddie stared at him, eyes wide.
“I thought I was dead,” Eddie said, and, woah, mood killer.
“Wow, Eds,” Richie said sarcastically. “I had no idea.” Eddie groaned and hit him.
“Will you just shut the fuck up and let me speak,” He said in annoyance.
“Right,” Richie nodded. “Go ahead.”
“I almost died and I didn’t think about anyone but one person,” Eddie shifted. “Not my wife, not any of my friends,” He paused.
“I thought about you,” He said. “And I thought about how I loved you when we were kids and it terrified me and then I moved away and forgot about you but then I saw you again and everything seemed to rush back, and I thought about how you’d never know any of that and no one would ever know I was gay and I’d die with all of it.” Richie blinked. Holy shit. Holy shit, definitely in a good way.
“Move with me to California,” He blurted, his heart suddenly bursting with emotion. To hell with parting ways. Not after all of this.
“What the fuck?” Eddie stared at him.
“I’m serious,” He stood up, his adrenaline rushing. “Move to California with me. You almost died, hell, we both could of died. Do you really want to go back to the way things were after that? Or do you want to just say ‘fuck it, I almost died’?” Eddie hesitated before replying slowly.
“I have a… wife,” He almost seemed to flinch as he said the word. “And a job, and uh… a life.” Richie studied him. Something told him he didn’t really like any of the words he just said.
“I don’t know about the wife…” Richie said slowly. “Listen all I know is I can get you a job, I can help with divorce lawyers, fuck, I can help with all of it, but only if you wanna fuckin’ do it.” He probably looked insane, waving his arms around like a maniac. Hell, he felt like insane. Eddie stared at him with wide eyes before swallowing audibly.
“Fuck it,” He mumbled before raising his voice. “Fuck it, I hate my fucking life, Richie.” Richie’s heart was racing. He had no fucking idea what was happening, but he absolutely loved it.
“Okay,” Richie nodded. “Fuck yeah, okay, you’re going to move to California with me!”
“I’m gonna fucking move to California with you!” Eddie agreed, now looking as crazy as Richie felt. He was just about to rush up and do something crazier like kiss Eddie’s cheek when the door swung open, revealing the nurse from before.
“Eddie Kaspbrak?” She asked sweetly. They both turned to her.
“Yeah?” He asked.
“It’s your wife,” She smiled at him. “She’s here.” Neither Richie nor Eddie were smiling at that news.