Work Text:
"Do I make you happy?"
The question comes out of nowhere; Chuuya's first instinct is to snap back that of course not, Dazai's the biggest pain in the ass known to mankind, he's annoying and obnoxious and whiny and generally a brat who demands attention at the most inconvenient of times, and usually he wouldn't hesitate, but... Something about the way Dazai asked is different. More... Serious, Chuuya supposes.
It's... strange, to say the least.
He goes to tilt his head down to try and look Dazai in the face, laying down curled up in bed as they are, but Dazai tucks himself further against Chuuya's chest in return, face hiding in his neck. Ah... So it really is a more serious question, then.
Is he having a bad day...?
Chuuya starts rubbing one hand up and down Dazai's back gently. It's weird to praise him so blatantly, but if Dazai's in a bad mental place, Chuuya will at least treat it seriously. "... Wouldn't let you stick around so much if you didn't. I love you, of course you make me happy."
"I've also put you through so much bad stuff, though..."
"Well, yeah." Chuuya's not going to try to deny that. That would just be blatant lying. "And sometimes I still wanna wring your goddamn neck, but that's less frequent nowadays. You're doing a lot better than you were, before, in pretty much every way that matters. I know you're trying. And while you can't make me forget all the shit you put me through, what's done is done, and you're really doing your best nowadays to communicate better and everything... I appreciate the fact that you've grown a lot already, and you're continuing to do so."
"... Ah." Dazai says, simply enough, but Chuuya's pretty sure he can hear the beginning of strain behind it. Dazai's probably trying not to get choked up. "... Thank you."
Chuuya snuggles him a bit harder. "Hey, I wouldn't praise you if you didn't deserve it, and you know it." Pressing a kiss to the top of Dazai's head, he nuzzles in gently, letting them lapse into silence for a while before he eventually asks, "Where'd that come from, anyway?"
"... I underestimated you a bit, I think," Dazai says, which... Isn't really an explanation at all, but Chuuya can tell he's working on it, so he doesn't rush him. "I'm... I still feel, sometimes, like I don't deserve this - this happiness, you - and I'm... Scared it'll all be taken away from me, because anything worth wanting is usually lost to me the moment I want it, so I keep thinking I'm just being stupid and greedy and that you deserve better..."
'Deserve better', huh? That's pretty objective in the first place, Chuuya thinks. He's still a mafioso. Still an Executive, at that. He kills people frequently, and without hesitation. He loves the thrill of a fight. There's a literal god of destruction shackled up in his body and he can't even blame his viciousness on it.
Most people wouldn't think he deserves to do more than rot in a hole in the ground.
"... Well, I think you're biased."
Dazai huffs gently, but seems to follow Chuuya's thoughts well enough, because he says, "Still, of the two of us, there are plenty of ways I'm worse, and for you in particular."
Chuuya hums noncommittally to that, neither agreeing nor disagreeing, because sure, there are ways Dazai's worse than him, especially for him, but the same is true in reverse, too. "... Even if I did deserve better, I want you. You wouldn't be here if I didn't. Doesn't that count for something?"
Dazai clutches tighter to him. "Of course it does, I wasn't..."
Chuuya immediately snuggles him tighter to soothe him again. "Shh, sorry, that was mean. I didn't mean to make it sound like I think you're doing this on purpose, or like it's something you can control or whatever."
Dazai shakes his head softly. "No, I know, you'd never do something like that, it's okay, I didn't take it that way. But, that's... Well, it helps, but it wasn't where I was going with this."
"Oh, sorry. Go ahead, then."
"I just... I'm nervous, I guess. And I think you picked up on that more than I thought you would. I thought you'd just snap at me that I'm annoying and all that, and I was going to make a joke about it, and ask you something playfully, but..."
Chuuya snickers. "Ah, I see. Well, what did you want to ask?"
"... I don't think I can do it now."
That sounds... suspicious. Chuuya's brows furrow. Something Dazai's too nervous to ask? Something he was going to play off and ask playfully? Which makes it sound like it was something he figured Chuuya might object to, so Dazai wanted to make it sound light enough that if Chuuya said no, he could just play it off... Does he have some fucked up kink or something he wants to try? But they've already done all sorts of fucked up things to one another, and Dazai's pretty shameless about asking, as he is with most things, so...
Then it hits him.
But... No, that can't be right, can it? No way in hell. Dazai's not...
"... Start it over."
Dazai huffs again, and squirms a bit more, probably aware that Chuuya's trying to figure it out. "... Can't."
"You can. Please?"
"... Ah, Chuuya's mean, saying 'please' when he knows I can't resist it." But this is... Good, maybe. It seems to be getting Dazai back to a more normal mood, so maybe...
"So you will, then? For me?"
"Ugh, Chuuya's twisting my arm... Fine." He still sounds nervous, through, even with the more playful words. They're quiet for a few minutes, which really does make Chuuya feel all the more confused, because it can't really be what he's thinking, right? Right?! "... Do I make you happy?"
"You annoy me all the time," Chuuya says, playing along dutifully now, even though he doesn't mean it.
... Well, kind of.
"... How much do you think I owe you, for all the annoying you I've done over the years?"
Ah. There's no way he isn't going there, is there...? Now Chuuya's nervous; what if he's just misreading it? "... More than you could ever pay me back." Of course, he doesn't really feel that way - genuinely, even with all the bad Dazai's put him through, they've already had so much to counter it, and Dazai is growing, and expressing himself more, and reaching out more, and everything, and Chuuya's honestly so proud of him.
It's quiet again for a little while; Chuuya wonders if he got it wrong after all, said the wrong thing, hurt Dazai sincerely... But, eventually, quiet and anxious, Dazai asks, "Not even if I spent every day of the rest of my life trying?"
Chuuya rolls them over abruptly; Dazai gives a startled "uwah!" which is actually pretty hilarious to hear, but Chuuya's too busy focusing on the expression on Dazai's face, his flushed cheeks and that hesitant look, the way he glances away— he really is proposing, holy shit—
"Yes— I mean, no, not—"
Dazai blinks, looking back up to Chuuya, then... Laughs, and Chuuya huffs a bit but knows it's a good sign. "Eh? Not even then?"
"You really are insufferable sometimes! That would be enough, but... You're offering?"
Dazai seems more relaxed now that Chuuya's said yes before Dazai could even properly get the words out. "I wondered... If maybe Chuuya didn't want to, because he never asked me, but... I figured that it might be because you know how bad I am at commitment, and the idea of the future, so... But, then I also wasn't sure if you actually would want to, or if it was just wishful thinking..."
Chuuya interrupts that depressing spiral with a firm, heady kiss on the lips, Dazai clinging to him desperately all over again, but for a much better reason this time. When it breaks, Chuuya grins. "Give me the rest of the days of your life, Dazai Osamu."
Dazai smiles back, bashful and happy, "Ah... Of course I will, Nakahara Chuuya~"
It may not be conventional, but that's not really a word that applies to them most of the time anyway. Even if they still have a lot of things to work out, even if it can't be legally recognized... Chuuya's at least looking forward to looking forward together.