Chapter Text
Group: Decathlon Dicks
09/28/2016 - 8:23 AM
Cindy: Fuck.
Abraham: What is it now, Cindy? (I'm sighing, btw.)
Cindy: It's about Peter.
Abraham: It's always about Peter. You specifically made this chat with the intent to gossip about him. Gods, I should really take Seymour's advice and block your number.
Cindy: Seymour's a coward. Tell him I said it just like that. Anyways, I believe I've finally gathered enough liable evidence to prove that Peter Parker is, in fact, Spider-Man.
Abraham: Okay.
Abraham: What?
Betty: At first I wasn't going to answer, because a) we're in homeroom, and b) this chat, while at times entertaining, isn't exactly the most lucrative thing on the planet, but that said; are you alright, Cindy?
Flash: Yeah, are you? You don't really think Penis Parker is Spider-Man, do you? Like, get out of here.
Cindy: Flash? Is that you? Who the hell added you to this chat?
Sally: I can explain.
Cindy: Goddamnit, Sally. Whatever. You're lucky I'm in a good mood, Flash, because otherwise, I'd have already blacklisted your ass.
Flash: Like you have on Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, and Instagram? Looks like you don't have as much power over me as you think you do :)
Cindy: I'm removing you from this group.
Flash: Not if I remove you first!
Cindy: Try me. Bitch.
Betty: Focus, children. Now what's this about Peter?
Cindy: Alright, so I know this might sound crazy, but it's really not that far-fetched. You know how Peter just disappears for no good reason? And how he's always making up some bad excuse to make sense of those disappearances? And how he's always coming into school late, usually sporting some black eye or bruise covered up with really bad makeup? And, guys - the Stark internship. Look me in the eye and tell me that's not sus.
Cindy: Guys?
Cindy: Guys?
Cindy: I know you're ignoring me. It won't work. I will literally annoy you into submission if you don't answer me within the next five seconds.
Cindy: Okay, seriously. You've got five seconds to answer, or I promise you won't sleep for the next ten days. I'll make sure of it.
Betty: Cindy... Have you been in your father's wine cabinet again? I hope not, because I thought we'd both grown past that incident. Am I going to have to be disappointed in you?
Abraham: I would appreciate if you got off your moral high horse. And she hasn't been drinking. I can assure you that this is normal Cindy behavior.
Sally: Yeah... I want to respect your outlook, Cindy, but that's a little bit of a reach.
Flash: I'll say. Please. Parker's the last person on Earth to be Spider-Man. He's timid, nerdy, and has absolutely no game. I'd believe Seymour was Spider-Man before I ever believed Peter was.
Flash: FYI, I wouldn't. Seymour's a wuss.
Cindy: God, you're such an ass. But you guys really don't see it!? Explain the bruises, then!"
Betty: Let's be logical here. You mentioned the Stark internship. He must encounter all types of new technology daily, and a good chunk of it is probably still in development. Prototypes. Accidents are bound to occur. That said, Peter's got two left feet. I once witnessed him stab himself in the eye with a fork during lunch. Honestly, all options considered, the likeliest one is that he's a prostitute.
Abraham: I was thinking the same thing. It's very normal for them to suffer at the hands of their pimps. Do you think his aunt's noticed anything strange about his behavior?
Flash: Doubt it. But if she's anything like Parker, then definitely not.
Sally: Dear, God.
Cindy: Now wait a goddamn minute. Six months ago, I had an entire portfolio of evidence supporting the notion that Peter was a sex worker, and not one of you thought that was plausible then.
Abraham: Of course we didn't. Not when it was coming from you as our first source. But now that we've all had time to think about it, it makes quite a lot of sense.
Betty: Thank you, Abraham. I couldn't have explained it better myself.
Abraham: I'm sure. We've been considering asking Ned about it, just to see if he knows. If any of this is true, action should be taken. We must also inform his aunt.
Flash: Well, how do you know she isn't turning him out herself? You know, I hear female pimps are on the rise.
Cindy: I'm gonna beat your ass, Flash. I swear. Okay, but, you guys can't be serious. So when I say Peter's a prostitute, he's not, but when I say he's Spider-Man, he's a prostitute?
Abraham: Well, yes.
Flash: Bet.
Betty: Be realistic, Cindy.
Cindy: Realistic? Am I the only one who remembers when aliens came flying out of the sky through an intergalactic wormhole? You guys remember Loki, right? Ultron???
Flash: Uh, duh. And who doesn't remember Loki? The guy was only the sexiest thing on this side of the galaxy.
Betty: Hold on. Let's pause for a second. I'm confused. Did you just refer to Loki as "sexy"? As in the same god that tried to take over the planet four years ago? Thor's brother? That Loki?
Flash: Yeah. And?
Betty: Just checking. Houston, we have a problem. And it's not the fact that he thinks there's a remote chance that Asgard is in the Milky Way.
Abraham: You know what, I was going to ask what white nonsense this was, but then I remembered that Flash isn't white. He's just Flash. I'm not sure that's a good thing.
Cindy: Oh, hell. You're not serious, are you? You're attracted to a mass murderer? What the fuck, Flash? What. The. Fuck. He killed hundreds upon hundreds of people. Have you lost your mind? I mean, shit, you never had one to begin with, but do you have, like, even a cell left?
Flash: Hey! I'll have you know that there are a lot of people out there who think that Loki is pretty horrible but also pretty hot. And have you listened to his old recordings? The guy made some valid points. Our leaders do suck, and that's on that.
Cindy: Do you even fucking hear yourself right now?
Flash: It's not like I'm condoning his actions. You know there are whole online communities dedicated to defending him. I'm just stating that I think he's attractive. No need to get so pressed. What are you? Homophobic?
Cindy: I'm literally bi, dipshit. And there are online communities dedicated to defending the behavior of a murderer? Jesus Fucking Christ, what timeline—
Abraham: It's true, unfortunately. You don't know how many Tumblr blogs I've had to block because of it. This is the real world.
Flash: There are worse things in the world.
Cindy: Worse things in the—HE BLEW UP MY AUNT'S APARTMENT BUILDING! PEOPLE DIED.
Flash: But your aunt didn't die now, did she?
Cindy: I'm gonna reach through this phone and choke you. Then I'm gonna remove your organs, boil them, and feed them to my cat. Afterward, I'm gonna burn your corpse and put the ashes outside of your parents' doorstep.
Sally: I think I'm gonna throw up.
Betty: I believe it would be best to return to the original topic, though I'd like to assume that most people don't make a hobby out of defending killers. At least not openly.
Abraham: You're forgetting something vital: Flash isn't most people.
Flash: Hey! I take offense to that.
Cindy: As you should, you fucking twat.
Betty: Cindy.
Cindy: Alright, alright. But I am so going to kick his ass after this.
Betty: That's fair.
Cindy: Now where was I before someone, who shall remain unnamed, expressed an interest in fucking a murderer? Right. So, Peter. Peter stood Liz up the same night her father got arrested. And who caught him? Spider-Man, that's who. That doesn't sound the least bit suspicious to any of you?
Flash: I just figured he chickened out or something. Come on, it's Parker.
Betty: Well, I simply assumed he couldn't handle the implications of dating a strong Black woman.
Abraham: Oh my God.
Sally: Don't mind Betty. She's still hasn't gotten over Liz leaving, which is understandable since it's only been two days, and now she's directing all her bitterness toward Peter. Not to his face, but definitely to his back. But about this Spider-Man thing... I don't mean to come off a certain way when I say this, but I think you might be a little in over your head, Cindy.
Cindy: What
Cindy: the
Cindy: hell?
Cindy: You guys are all idiots.
Cindy: Monday. He came to school. Limping. After he noticed I noticed he was limping, the limp disappeared. But if you looked close enough at his expression throughout the day, it was easy to tell that each step was causing him excruciating pain. That's hella suspicious.
Abraham: In addition to being hella creepy?
Betty: Interesting thesis, but I'm pretty sure that pained expression was a manifestation of his guilt over abandoning Liz at Ho mecoming. I'd be suffering too if I missed the one opportunity to prove myself reliable to my crush only to royally screw up and leave said crush in the dust.
Flash: Damn, you're bitter.
Cindy: I can't believe you guys. You really don't see all the signs? They're clearer than the windshields on my dad's car, and those are so clear you can't even tell they're there.
Flash: Hate to break it to you, toots, but you're actually delusional. There. I said it. Nobody else had the balls to say it, so I did. Face it. Parker's not Spider-Man. Get over it.
Cindy: Excuse me?
Flash: I said Parker's not Spider-Man. Get over it.
Cindy: 5 minutes, Thompson. You've got five minutes to pack up your things and exit this building. Or else I will murder you myself and relish in the stench of your ailing corpse.
Abraham: Okay! I don't think that will be necessary. Flash, while awful, is right to an extent. You can't keep projecting. The likelihood of Peter being Spider-Man is almost zero to none. I understand that you're passionate about chasing this angle, but it might be time to move on. In fact, now would be a good time to move on. Right now, actually.
Cindy: Right now? Why?
Abraham: Because Mr. Dell just woke up. I swear he's looking straight at us.
Abraham: Update: he's looking at a spot on the wall. Still, it might be time to end this discussion. We don't want to risk detention.
Betty: Abraham is right. Some of us have perfect records to maintain.
Flash: Please. I already had seven detentions just this week. You guys are worrying about nothing. You'll be fine.
Abraham: Fine like your money, I presume. Well, I'm out. I'll catch up with you later, Cindy.
Betty: Me too.
Flash: Whatever.
Sally: It was nice talking to the four of you. Even if all of you are terrifying. See you after class.
Cindy: Wait! I haven't even covered the scope of my findings. I didn't mention PE., which, a year ago, Peter was complete ass at, but now he's crunching faster than a bat out of hell. Once, I accidentally walked in on him, and I saw abs. A rock-solid six-pack, in fact! What fifteen-year-old boy has abs? Not one that you know!
Cindy: Guys?
Cindy: Hello?
Cindy: I swear on God, you guys better not be ignoring me.
Cindy: If Michelle were here, she'd listen to me. Unlike the rest of you, she's very suspicious.
Cindy: Damn you, Michelle. Would it kill you to reply to my messages every once in a while?
Cindy: Guys...Are you really gone?
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Cindy: Idiots.