Chapter Text
The streets of New Seattle are rank with the smell of opportunity. Searing asphalt, crowds of people, delectably dark cherry brick, and opportunity. As I wander through the crowds, it seems like the opposite of the life I used to lead in so many ways. Of course, that's because June decided to live downtown. If it were entirely up to me, I'd still be living in a tree. There was nothing wrong with my tree; it was a perfectly serviceable arrangement. There are no branches to hang the guilty from around here. A flagpole would do in a pinch, but the legal system here on Earth C doesn't really work that way. Instead of summary culling, instead there's a whole process where the accused gets a defense. A defense! On Alternia, even mentioning defense in a courtblock was offensive. A surefire way to be eaten by His Honorable Tyranny. I'll confess, though, the prospect is at least intriguing. It could make for so much more courtblock drama, after all.
Speaking of the court, that's where I'm supposed to be headed. At least they still treat the law with dignity here; I can smell the imposing edifice of the courthive from around the corner. Bright citrus white and sweet honey gold paint a picture in my mind of a building lovingly polished. Cut from marble, probably, or something like marble. There's a statue in front, with the bloody taste of copper. As far as I can smell, it's a woman of ambiguous species, holding up a balanced scale. Her eyes are covered permanently, and the inscription on the pedestal tells me who the blind woman is supposed to be. "JUSTICE." I can't say the likeness is very good, but I am blind, so they at least got that part right. Heh. Heh heh. I let out a healthy cackle as I walk past the statue into the courthive proper.
Past the doors is a wide open lobby, which is not at all where I need to be. I ask the human standing behind the desk where I go to get a license to practice law on this planet, and she just looks at me with an odd expression. I glare at her, my eyes glowing red behind my glasses, until she speaks up. Intimidating silence is half the job.
CLERK: Uh, ma'am? If you're trying to intimidate me, I'm actually over here. -.-
I turn to face her voice.
TEREZI: WH4T?
CLERK: My god, it really is you. You're Terezi Pyrope. O.o
TEREZI: Y3S?
CLERK: Well, you're kinda famous. For helping create the planet and all.
TEREZI: TH4T'S GR34T. SO WH3R3 DO 1 GO TO G3T 4 L3G4L L1C3NS3?
CLERK: Well, no offense, ma'am, but everyone will probably assume you already have one.
TEREZI: R34LLY >:P
TEREZI: 4ND 4R3 4SSUMPT1ONS 4DM1SS1BL3 H3R3 1N TH3 TH1RD C1RCU1T?
CLERK: No, ma'am. x.x
TEREZI: TH3N YOU'LL UND3RST4ND WHY 1'M 4PPLY1NG FOR 4 L1C3NS3
CLERK: We don't have any dedicated examiners today, but it's also a lighter caseload than usual this week. Maybe one of the judges would agree to administer your exam?
I stand still, glaring some more intimidating silence at the place I assume her to be. She turns and walks away, her footsteps echoing off the stone walls.
It's been a few minutes, and my facade reached its limit about two minutes in. Right now, I'm busying myself coming up with a percussion solo using the two halves of my cane and various objects around me. The desk, the wall, the floor, all of them have different textures and make different sounds. I'd sneak in here with the coolkid at some point when nobody was here, but justice never sleeps. The courts of the Third Circuit have at least an endoskeleton crew at all times. The world will have to survive without our incredible collaborative beats. I'm about to start singing, and Skaia knows nobody wants to hear that, but luckily I'm saved the trouble by the arrival of a limeblooded troll in a black robe. His sign is on a necklace; judicial robes are completely uniform and not to be altered.
JUDGE: Holy (shit).
TEREZI: L4NGU4G3, YOUR TYR- YOUR HONOR
JUDGE: You're (right). Uh, Ms. Pyrope, I'm (told) you're looking (to practice (law))?
TEREZI: >:]
JUDGE: Okay, uh, we can definitely do (that). Right this (way).
I'm led through a series of hallways into a larger office area. It smells like so much stale coffee. I can't tell how much of that is all the wood everywhere and how much is the actual stale coffee. It’s probably evenly matched. There’s not a judicial block in the galaxy without stale coffee; back on Alternia, shipments of coffee destined for the courthives were inspected for staleness to ensure it met the highest judicial standards. Here, it’s probably just been sitting out too long. The judge keeps looking back at me, like he’s afraid I’ll disappear. Or worse. When we finally get to an area with a large table, he sits down across from me and waits for me to find my seat.
JUDGE: Alright, Ms. Pyrope. I just, this is very (unorthodox). One of the creators, looking (to practice (law)) like this.
TEREZI: 1’M NOT QU1T3 SUR3 WH4T YOU 3XP3CT3D, JUDG3…
JUDGE: Ah. Uh, Maltyr. Ornbis Maltyr, ma’am.
TEREZI: 1’M NOT QU1T3 SUR3 WH4T YOU 3XP3CT3D, JUDG3 M4LTYR
TEREZI: FOR M3 TO JUST S1T 4ROUND 4LL D4Y?
TEREZI: 1’LL L3T YOU 1N ON 4 S3CR3T
TEREZI: 1 G3T BOR3D 34S1LY
TEREZI: 4ND P3OPL3 DON’T L1K3 M3 MUCH WH3N 1’M BOR3D
The judge shivers. Gog, is it that easy? Are they growing trolls with this little spine these days? No, that can’t be it.
ORNBIS: Well, ma’am, I’m (sure) you know (you have a (reputation)).
Ah. That explains it nicely. I should have figured; we’re all legends to them. So much larger than life. Maybe popping that bubble will help him.
TEREZI: HOW OLD 4R3 YOU, ORNB1S?
ORNBIS: Uh, (forty-one), Ms. Pyrope.
TEREZI: 41 SW33PS??
ORNBIS: Oh, my (apologies), ma’am. Uh, no, forty-one years. Something like twenty solar sweeps by Old Alternian standards.
TEREZI: YOU KNOW 1’M YOUNG3R TH4N YOU, R1GHT?
TEREZI: 1’M ONLY TW3LV3 SW33PS OLD
TEREZI: SUR3, 1 H3LP3D CR34T3 TH3 UN1V3RS3, BUT 1’M NOT 1MMORT4L OR 1NV1NC1BL3, 4ND 1’M SUR3 4S H3LL NOT H3R3 TO M3SS 4NYTH1NG UP FOR YOU
TEREZI: 1’M H3R3 FOR TH3 S4M3 TH1NG YOU 4R3, JUDG3
TEREZI: JUST1C3 >:]
The judge shakes his head softly, tapping the table with his fingertips. Being this afraid of me is not a good thing in a judge, so I deploy the last of my very small arsenal of deescalation strategies.
TEREZI: 4ND YOU DON’T H4V3 TO C4LL M3 MS. PYROP3
TEREZI: YOU C4N JUST C4LL M3 T3R3Z1
ORNBIS: Huh. Is that (so)?
TEREZI: 1T 1S
ORNBIS: Alright, Terezi. I’ll level with you. In order to join the provincial (bar), you’d have (to have a law (degree)) from an accredited law school. You’d also have (to take a stringent bar (exam)), undergo a background (check), and swear the (oath).
TEREZI: TH4T S33MS R34SON4BL3
ORNBIS: That’s not an (issue), for two reasons. First, you already have a (doctorate) from every single Troll Kingdom law school, and half the other ones too. Second, you’re already a (member) of the provincial bar. Of all the provincial bars, actually, and the federated ones.
TEREZI: 1 4M?
ORNBIS: You saw the (statue) of Justice outside, right?
TEREZI: NO >:P
TEREZI: 1 D1DN’T, H4H4
ORNBIS: Oh, uh, right. (Sorry) about that. I didn’t mean (to be (insensitive)).
TEREZI: 1T’S F1N3
TEREZI: 1 KNOW TH3 ST4TU3 YOU’R3 T4LK1NG 4BOUT
ORNBIS: It’s a rather controversial (statue), actually. I don’t know (how (much) you know about that.)
TEREZI: 1 D1DN’T
ORNBIS: Well, it caused a (bit) of an uproar when it was (installed). Typically, depictions of Justice look a lot (more) like…
He drums his fingers on the table for a moment longer.
ORNBIS: Well, like you. By tradition, you’re the first listed (member) of every bar association on the planet.
TEREZI: SO WHY 4M 1 S1TT1NG H3R3 W1TH YOU? >:/
ORNBIS: I’m (here) to talk (you) out of it, Terezi.
TEREZI: TO WH4T? >:[
ORNBIS: I want (to ask you not (to practice)). No lawyer on the planet is going to want (to face (you)). No judge is going to want (to go (against you)) on a ruling. I know (I sure don’t).
TEREZI: TH3N GROW 4 SP1N3 M4LTYR
ORNBIS: Excuse (me)?
TEREZI: S33, TH4T’S 4 GOOD ST3P
TEREZI: ST4ND UP TO M3
TEREZI: 1’M NOT P3RF3CT, JUDG3
TEREZI: NON3 OF US 4R3
TEREZI: 1F YOU DON’T TH1NK TH3R3 4R3 PL3NTY OF L4WY3RS OUT TH3R3 TH4T WOULD K1LL TO B34T M3 1N COURT, YOU’R3 WRONG
TEREZI: 4ND 1F YOU C4N’T UPHOLD TH3 L4W 1N TH3 F4C3 OF 4 BL1ND G1RL H4LF YOUR 4G3, TH3N YOU’R3 NOT MUCH OF 4 JUDG3
I get up and walk over to the coffeemaker across the room, pouring myself a cup as I leave.
TEREZI: S33 YOU 1N COURT >:|
As I’d suspected, the coffee is stale only by Earth standards. This would be a piss-poor excuse for proper judicial caffeination on Alternia. Still, caffeine is caffeine, and as I leave the courthive, the smell of the coffee helps keep the sudden influx of other smells from overloading me. That’s the first step down. I’m officially a lawyer. Not much of one without a suitable office, though. Every good lawyer needs a good office, and I won’t find that here for two reasons. First, the people in this part of town are well-off and mostly human. They’ve already got plenty of great lawyers. Second, I don’t want the flashy ostentation. If I get a floor in one of these hard, sharp towers, it’ll be all over the headlines. Look at the way they treat June. She’s a curiosity, a celebrity, but not someone they’d really listen to. Not when the excrement hits the air circulator. All of us are like that, except maybe two. Karkat and Jane. And while Jane is the single most influential person on the planet, Karkat doesn’t really do anything with the respect the troll population gives him. He’s probably too embarrassed by it, if he even knows he has it at all. I like the guy, but he’s not exactly Captain Observant.
I narrowly sidestep several pedestrians on my way down to the metro. If Karkat isn’t ready to be a leader again yet, that’s on him. In the meantime, I’ll do what I can to help. I’m looking for the Red line, but metro stations are loud and full of smells and sensations. And I’m definitely not licking the walls. I tap the shoulder of someone next to me, or at least I’m hoping it’s his shoulder.
STRANGER: ,hey, watch it,
TEREZI: TH4T’S NOT R34LLY SOM3TH1NG 1 C4N DO >:[
STRANGER: ,ah jeez, sorry, lady. didya need something, or,
TEREZI: Y3S! >:]
TEREZI: WH1CH W4Y TO TH3 R3D L1NE FOR OUTCROP??
STRANGER: ,about twenty feet to your right, down a set of stairs,
TEREZI: TH4NKS K1D >8]
STRANGER: ,kid,?
I laugh as I follow his directions and hop aboard the train.
Outcrop is New Seattle’s biggest troll neighborhood, and if I’m going to be fighting xenophobia, it’s as good a place to set up shop as any. There are some hushed whispers around me as I remain aboard this rattling, squeaking train stop after stop, but nobody moves to stand next to me. When the announcement calls “Outcrop 10th Street, doors on the right!” I move to the right and wait for the train to stop. The doors open and I feel the wind on my face, carrying something that isn’t – but approximates – the scent of home. The building materials are softer here, more organic. Sound doesn’t quite reverberate, losing its edges instead. As I run down the stairs to street level, everything opens up to me at once. I can smell the emissions from hoverbikes and scuttlebuggies, taste the ozone of electricity in the air crackling around the metro stop, and hear the sound of people shuffling around. This seems to be a little mini-downtown, a hub of sorts. There are neon signs buzzing with Alternian and English text, advertising everything from anime to various lusus foods. Nothing here is particularly interesting to me, though.
Off the hub there are several side streets, one of which is a building that catches my nose. The bottom floor is a disused office space, and above that is a hivestem, three or four different hives built on it. I reach for the buzzer marked “SUPER” and press it.
SUPER: what do you w∆nt!!!
TEREZI: 4R3 YOU TH3 OWN3R OF TH1S H1V3ST3M?
SUPER: ye∆h, wh∆t’s it to you?
TEREZI: 1’D B3 1NT3R3ST3D 1N L34S1NG TH3 OFF1C3 ON TH3 GROUND FLOOR
SUPER: for wh∆t?
TEREZI: 1’M 4 L3G1SL4C3R4TOR >8]
SUPER: kid, i don’t know wh∆t kind of shitty ∆nime you been w∆tchin&, but th∆t ∆in’t ∆ re∆l job.
TEREZI: NOT ON TH1S PL4N3T, NO
TEREZI: H3R3 1’M 4N 4TTORN3Y
SUPER: ∆wri&ht, hold yer hoofbe∆sts kid. i’ll be down in ∆ minute, &et ∆ look ∆t y∆.
The intercom cuts out with a harsh, staticky noise, and after a moment I hear grumbling and creaking as the erstwhile landlord walks down the stairs. He’s tall, with horns that arc up into a graceful curve behind his head and broad shoulders. He looks me over for a moment and sighs.
SUPER: nice costume, kid. &l∆sses ∆re ∆ little off thou&h.
TEREZI: COSTUM3?? >:/
SUPER: ye∆h, y∆ know, dressin& up like l∆dy justice. wh∆t, ∆re y∆ pr∆nkin& me or somethin&?
TEREZI: TH3S3 4R3 JUST MY CLOTH3S
TEREZI: YOU R34LLY DON’T H4V3 TO C4LL M3 TH4T
TEREZI: JUST MS. PYROP3 1S F1N3
TEREZI: OR 1F 1 N33D 4 C3R3MON14L T1TL3, L3G1SL4C3R4TOR
SUPER: you’re s∆yin& you’re re∆lly her?
TEREZI: 1F BY ‘H3R’ YOU M34N SOM3 H3RO OF L3G3ND YOU’R3 GO1NG TO B3 D1S4PPO1NT3D
TEREZI: BUT Y3S 1’M T3R3Z1 PYROP3
He sits down on the stoop, resting his forehead in his left hand.
SUPER: then where the fuck h∆ve you been?
TEREZI: TH4T’S TH3 D1S4PPO1NTM3NT 1 M3NT1ON3D
SUPER: ∆ll of the other cre∆tors c∆me b∆ck. not you. why now?
TEREZI: WH4T’S YOUR N4M3? >:/
SUPER: nouble borsky.
TEREZI: 1’M NOT 1NF4LL1BL3 MR BORSKY
TEREZI: 1’M NOT YOUR L4DY JUST1C3
TEREZI: BUT 1’D L1K3 TO B3…
TEREZI: 1 W4NT TO H3LP M4K3 TH1NGS R1GHT H3R3
TEREZI: 1’M NOT 4 GOD, JUST 4 L4WY3R 1N N33D OF 4N OFF1C3.
He fiddles with one of his horns for a second.
NOUBLE: five hundred ∆ month, due on the first. your ener&y & w∆ter ∆re included in th∆t.
Fumbling in his pockets, he digs out a keyring and hands me a key.
NOUBLE: don't trust the m∆ilm∆n
He turns with a shrug and trudges up the stairs.
I walk into my new office, closing the door behind me. Tapping around, I can tell it’s a fairly large space, bisected with a sturdy door. A front space for public affairs and a rear space for interrogations. Everything an aspiring legislacerator needs. Yes, this will do nicely. I’d get to lurking in the dark and waiting forebodingly for a case to cross my desk immediately, were it not for the lack of a desk and the fact that I have a date scheduled tonight. Either way, this is a good start. With a flourish, I close the door behind me and head back home.
June is waiting for me when I arrive, wearing something that smells absolutely ludicrous. I step up to her and give her dress a good sniff, but the color is changing as she moves. From blue through teal right on to bright red, then back again.
TEREZI: JUN3
TEREZI: WH4T 1S TH4T POS1T1V3LY D3L1C1OUS DR3SS YOU’R3 W34R1NG????
JUNE: hehe, i'm glad you like it.
JUNE: kanaya made it for me out of molted dragon scales.
She'd chosen this? It's possibly the most beautiful thing I've never seen. With a quick lick of her face, I attempt to confirm that this is in fact the same June Egbert I’d seen this morning. She certainly tastes the same, but with fashion choices that actually make sense, I can't really be sure someone else hasn’t possessed her.
TEREZI: WHY P1CK 4 DR4GON DR3SS? >:]
JUNE: so you'd be okay with me doing this.
Before I can react, her arm is around me and her soft human lips are on mine, and for a good moment, all I can smell and taste is Egbert. Not that I’m complaining. The nerd tastes divine. I press my body against hers, biting her lower lip gently - I’m not interested in getting her fragrant blood everywhere right now – until we’re interrupted by the loud trill of Vriska clearing her throat.
VRISKA: Not that I didn’t loooooooove the show, 8ut we’re a8out to 8e l8 to dinner. You two coming?
June’s ever so slightly out of it, so I answer for the both of us.
TEREZI: Y3S W3’R3 COM1NG
TEREZI: B3S1D3S SH3’S Z4PP1NG US TH3R3
TEREZI: W3 C4N’T 4CTU4LLY B3 L4T3
Vriska rolls her eight eyes and takes June’s hand in her own.
VRISKA: Right. Well, I for one think we should go anyway.
And with a zap! we're gone.
The dinner is exquisite, even with my nonstandard taste buds. June and Vriska keep bickering about the relative merits of Earth C's film industry, but from the subtle inflections in their voices it's easy to tell that there's no real argument at all. They’re such dorks. After a while, having clearly exhausted their repertoire of flirty argument for the night, they turn to me.
JUNE: so how’d it go?
JUNE: getting your legal license?
VRISKA: Are you an official Earth legislacer8or now????????
TEREZI: 4PP4R3NTLY 1 W4S 4LR34DY L1C3NS3D
TEREZI: 1’M TH3 GODD3SS OF JUST1C3 4FT3R 4LL >:/
VRISKA: You don’t sound very enthusiastic a8out that. Who doesn’t want to 8e a god? 8888)
VRISKA: It’s the 8ee’s knees!
JUNE: how are you learning all these old earth phrases?
JUNE: nobody’s said the bee’s knees in like this whole universe.
JUNE: until you.
VRISKA: I’ll never tell. :::;)
TEREZI: 1 D1D F1ND 4N OFF1C3 TO R3NT! >:]
TEREZI: 1T’S ON 12TH STR33T 1N OUTCROP
TEREZI: ON3 OF YOU SHOULD COM3 W1TH M3 4ND H3LP D3COR4T3
JUNE: in outcrop?
JUNE: isn’t that a bit of a sketchy neighborhood?
TEREZI: >:[
TEREZI: TH1NK 4BOUT WH4T YOU JUST S41D 3GB3RT
JUNE: what do you mean?
TEREZI: WHY 1S 1T SK3TCHY >:/
JUNE: well i heard there were a lot of crimes in that part of town!
TEREZI: 4ND WHO TOLD YOU TH4T
TEREZI: W4S 1T J4N3
JUNE: yeah, a while ba-
JUNE: oh. when she said sketchy, she meant there were trolls there.
TEREZI: 4NOTH3R 1MPOSS1BL3 C4S3 SOLV3D BY S3N1OR D3T3CT1V3 3GB3RT
JUNE: i'm sorry terezi
TEREZI: 1T’S…
TEREZI: 1T’S NOT OK4Y BUT 1 FORG1V3 YOU
TEREZI: JUST TRUST M3 N3XT T1M3
JUNE: yeah. i will.
JUNE: *cough* uh we got you a present?
JUNE: if you want to check it out?
Vriska laughs, pulling a box of some kind out of her sylladex and setting it in front of me.
VRISKA: Check it out, Redglare. Eg8ert and I had it made special for you.
I unwrap the box with my bare claws, feeling the heavy metal inside it. It’s a sign, written in Alternian, English, and both languages’ braille. I can smell the candy-red finish; like a solid metal raspberry. How long has it been since I used braille? Easily a heptad. Running my fingers across the text, I can feel the craftsmanship. It’s sturdy work. The sign reads, simply:
TEREZI PYROPE, ATTORNEY AT LAW
Giving it a lick just to be sure, I can taste another subtle pattern. My sign, in a professional shade of teal, down the background of the plaque. It’s possibly the best present I’ve ever received, though I’m willing to hear new evidence on the matter. A literal sign of my partners’ support. It’s going right outside my office in the morning. In the meantime, I think Egbert’s finally gotten back into my good graces. And it just wouldn’t do to waste any opportunity to catch that nerd off her guard.