Work Text:
Computers are a novelty item these days so obviously she has one. As for the internet, though… Allison knew about the internet; they all learned about wide area networking and packet switching and ARPANET and the internet protocol suite, and were made to read boring textbooks and write machine code for hours and hours with equally boring tutors. Allison spent most of the time wondering what the point was.
However, one day she looks at the computer someone thoughtfully installed in the corner of her nice big apartment and is just… curious. Also… She’s bored. Not like she has anything else going on at the moment. Maybe she’ll take a look at the WWW. See if she can find anything about herself on there.
She finds the point on a plain text message board while she’s clicking through links that the search string “Allison Hargreeves” returns.
SCHMOOPEY569: Hey does n e one else remember those umbrella academy kids?
DREAMSTAR: y y
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: ASL?
DREAMSTAR: that was back like 15 yrs ago
DREAMSTAR: fuk
SCHMOOPEY569: HOLY SHIT thanks for making me feel old
TIM: did anyone read the book that vanya hargreeves wrote?
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: THAT SHIT WOZ SAD
TIM: interesting though.
COLOSSUSRULES99: Was that an autobiography or fictional? I can’t remembered
TIM: auto for sure.
SCHMOOPEY569: I didnt finish it but it was pretty messed up if I remember right
DREAMSTAR: my fam wuld kick my ass for writing that mich sheet about them lol
That’s all she needs to read before she’s bookmarked the page.
Allison spends the next hour reading about people who still think about them, want to talk about them and this, she thinks, is the point of the internet. This is great.
TIM: alright since we’re all talking about it anyway I started a sub-forum for umbrella academy chat.
TIM: keep this place clear for other stuff. Link up the top.
SCHMOOPEY569: sweet nice 1 tim
COLOSSUSRULES99: thanks tim im there
HERALDINGTHENEDTIMES: TA TIMTAM
UMBRELAFAAAAAN: omg this is so cooooool hi!!!!!!
DREAMSTAR: hahaha got another 1 already
Allison debates making a handle. She doesn’t, but she does change her bookmark for the sub-forum. Threads like “Hi!” and “CONSPIRACY THEORIES” start to pop up. A thread starts asking what they’re all doing now. The guesses are entertaining.
DREAMSTAR: We all know about Allison being in movies but wat if thats a front and she works for the CIA
TIM: TIM moved this thread to “CONSPIRACY THEORIES”
DREAMSTAR: fair
SCHMOOPEY569: mayb they all work for the CIA????
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: HA HA MAYB
TIM: it’s not infeasible. They would have had to have some involvement with law enforcement back when they did the regular crime fighting stuff as kids.
COLOSSUSRULES99: Spaceboy and NASA u think?
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: I heard Klaus is a model like does catwalk stuff for gucci and prada
TIM: what’s your source?
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: TRL
TIM: oh, mtv, okay. Not sure how credible.
COLOSSUSRULES99: I thought klaus was the one who joined the cirque du soliel
DREAMSTAR: I thought he was doing low key acting shit with allison
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: “ACTING” LIKE THEY NOT CIA ?????
SCHMOOPEY569: am I the only 1 who is getting slightly more obsessed with these guys again. Finished vanya h’s book btw
TIM: nope, and ‘grats.
Over the next few days it becomes her favorite place to read about other people talking about her… them, fine, them. It’s much better than the magazines that are still focused on Patrick and Claire being “fine” without her. It’s much better than the removed reviews of her movies. It’s more personal. These people have no intentions other than to be fans. Allison never really got to see real people be fans like this. It’s great.
She kind of wants to come clean and post something but at the same time she wants to keep sitting back and watching it happen.
Allison tries to find out what her siblings are up to via search engine. She doesn’t get very far before she’s back at the message board. There are a few new threads already. One is titled, “Fanficccccc?”
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: k guys I did a thing ok I mean
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: me and some friends did this for star trek and it was really fun
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: you get an idea or prompt and you write and here’s an example
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: ok tim so here’s the sequel you wanted plus a conspiracy theory lol don’t judge me
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: “I can’t believe it’s been fifteen years” said Allison eating her steak. “I know” said Diego. “It’s beautiful up here, you made a great choice.” They were sitting at the top of the Eiffel Tower eating their anniversary dinner. It was the evening and it was beautiful. “I really love you” said Allison. “I know” said Diego. They clinked glasses. “Do you think the rest of the world remembers who I am anymore” said Diego a bit sadly. “I don’t know” said Allison. “You’re in movies. You’re a beautiful famous actress” said Diego. “You can’t help that the CIA needs you undercover” Allison reminded him. “I know” Diego said. “You are the best husband I could ever want” said Allison. “Thank you” said Diego. “It’s a shame that we have to be together in secret but your work is important babe. I have a cover family to keep you safe” said Allison. “I know” said Diego. “Plus you can help me with my next role, which is an undercover CIA agent” said Allison. They kissed.
TIM: oh wow.
TIM: we’re doing this.
TIM: I was thinking more like
TIM: Okay saddle up.
TIM: My name is Vanya Hargreeves and this is the second part of my story. After my first book landed my brothers and sister were both sad and furious. They wouldn’t speak to me. Then our Father, Reginald Hargreeves died suddenly. At the funeral we saw each other again and realized that we missed each other. And then A Really Bad Thing came along and we all banded together to fight it. When we won we realized that we were the Umbrella Academy again only this time it wasn’t shit.
TIM: okay so perhaps more fleshed out but i’m not a writer that’s why I wanted somebody else to do it.
SCHMOOPEY569: tim thats lush I wish thats wat really happened
SCHMOOPEY569: real ligfe sux
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: YES get creative with it tim
COLOSSUSRULES99: i’m really sorry but siblings don’t need to be marrying each other but
COLOSSUSRULES99: also here’s a link to 5638 words in the form of a short play about an U A photoshoot… with vampires
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: OOOOO M G THIS RULES
After a minute of pretending at consideration, Allison sets up five email accounts, jots down the passwords. She writes a letter to each sibling, c/o the academy, containing a username and password and a note about finding something fun. She can’t help it. This must be shared.
She emails the URL out to them all separately, with separate messages.
To: SpaceBoy
Hey. It’s been a while since we saved the world, huh. I thought we could email each other. Remember NSFNET and that week we spent in Michigan on a field trip with Dad, looking at all the network stuff at the NOC? Remember me pretending to be interested? I know you were interested, you big nerd. Did you ever think that would all lead to this? Just regular people on the WWW? Don’t judge me too hard when you follow the URL, it made me laugh and not feel so bad about Dad and Vanya and everything else. Sorry for not calling more. I hope you’re still enjoying being back where there’s gravity.
To: GrumpyGoth
Hey. Don’t hate me but I couldn’t not send everybody this URL. I bet you got mad about Vanya’s book, so I’m warning you that if you don’t find it funny just leave it and take it out on me, not her. She’s been through a lot. I know that you are secretly a softie and don’t want her to be sad and god knows we could all do with a laugh. So check it out.
To: WearingItBetter
Hey. I won’t ask about sobriety. Hope you’re taking care of yourself. If you’re around a computer I think this would make you laugh. Love you.
To: InstituteOfFive
Hey. I like to think I’m pretty funny. I know that the future was a freaking apocalypse and that sucks, but you made the future a thing that’s going to happen now and I think that this is it. Here’s a URL to something you might just roll your eyes at – content aside, normal people, Five! Normal people just logging on to the WWW from their houses. You probably know way more about it than me and you know I always found that stuff boring, not like you and the other nerds. You know who I mean. I miss you. Keep in touch. Even if it’s just to call me a hypocrite.
To: LittlestSister
Hey. I’ll tell you what it is so you know before you click. It’s a bulletin board with some people who are fans of the umbrella academy from back in the day, and they reminisce and make up conspiracy theories and write hilarious made up stories about what we’re all doing. I hope that it makes you smile, not sad or anything, and I’m so sorry I haven’t been in touch. I’m just learning to live on my own and needed some space after everything. I hope you’re okay. Love you sis.
Luther calls two days after she mails it all.
“Hey,” she says. “How are you?”
“I’m good,” says Luther. “You know, Pogo’s lab had an outside line connected. It’s still got an active ISP.”
“Oh, goody,” Allison says, gleeful. “You got my mail.”
“I got your e-mail,” he says. “You didn’t hate those field trips that much. You were just as interested as Five and me.”
Allison snorts. “Remember Dad’s rants about IBM when we were… I don’t know, even as young as eight?”
“Oh about MCI and uh, Advanced Network and Services or something? Yeah, I remember.”
“Have you got a look at his books now he’s dead?” Shit. Luther kind of liked him, she remembers too late. She’s gotten used to thinking of Dad as a complete asshole.
“You mean his accounts? You think he was in with IBM,” Luther says, and it’s not a question, in a tone that means….
“You have,” Allison breathes. “You’ve gone through his financials.”
“Of course I have,” he tells her, and she can almost hear him looking down at his feet. “I can’t be the only one who remembers how much he hated Richard Stallman-”
“MIT was on his shitlist, oh my God remember when you found that invitation-”
“Don’t remind me Allison oh my God, he was so invested in IBM and you know how stubborn he was?”
“I don’t like to remember.”
“Me either.”
They both stop talking rather abruptly at that, and she wonders where to take the conversation to get it back to fun, entertaining stuff.
“Uh so. How have you been?” She tries, and he tells her about his life at the academy which she actually kind of has an inkling isn’t actually that healthy but he’s been through a lot, just like Vanya, just like God knows any of them, so she doesn’t tell him to immediately pack his bags and leave.
That would have been selfish.
Vanya is the first person to email her back.
From: LittlestSister
Hi Allison! It’s good to hear from you. I have another email but I like this one. Thank you for sending me the link to that board. I wasted a whole afternoon reading about conspiracy theories on why Luther was on the moon and have just discovered the fanfiction section. Very very entertained. If you’re in town any time, my apartment is still small but has a computer and I have prosecco.
That’s more friendly and positive than Vanya has ever sounded in person that she can remember. Allison needs to stop hiding in her nice big apartment that she has given absolutely none of her siblings the address for and socialize with her sister.
Vanya and Allison meet up, look at the umbrella academy board together whilst drinking prosecco and almost die laughing about it.
“I am so in love with the idea that people think we could have these exciting lives,” Allison chortles.
“I mean, you are a movie star,” Vanya manages. “I just teach violin.”
“Imagine me making out with Diego,” Allison laughs, breathless. They might have had a bottle and a half of prosecco between them at this point.
“Imagine us all working for the CIA,” Vanya chokes.
“Imagine Diego operating a gun that shoots – shoots knives,” Allison wails.
“Imagine Klaus and, oh my God, wait, no don’t, I can’t,” Vanya says, laughing far too hard. “Imagine if we were all clones of Five and we just went around being all Five at shit. The world would end. Is it too soon to say that, oh my god.”
“Oh my God I love you off of those stupid pills,” Allison says, wiping her eyes. “I mean,” she looks at her sister quickly to gauge her reaction to that slip of the tongue, but it’s true and Vanya doesn’t look any less entertained.
“Yeah?” Vanya says. “It’s like. It’s like moving to America. It’s like living in color. Imagine all the fun we could have been having.” Abruptly she starts giggling again, but it’s got a hysterical edge. Allison feels something not good start to happen in her chest, exacerbated by the drink. “Imagine that we could have actually gotten along sooner and made fun of our brothers together and-” she breaks off, she’s laughing too hard, there are tears starting.
Automatically - “I’m so sorry Vanya,” Allison says, and she’s crying now as well, probably because she’s drunk. “I’m so sorry. Let’s make up for it. Let me make up for it.”
“I wanna kill Dad again myself,” Vanya howls, hands coming up to her face. “How could he, how could he-”
Oh Jesus God never say that in front of anybody else, Allison doesn’t say. “It’s okay,” Allison does say, feeling absurdly protective all of a sudden and moving in, collecting her up in her arms like she would her child; Vanya isn’t much bigger now that she’s here. “It’s okay, we have each other now.”
“I’m never going to be you,” Vanya cries bizarrely off topic into her shoulder, and Allison feels confused and high on bubbles but also thoroughly dismayed.
“Nobody needs you to be,” she says, “just be you, Vanya, you’re perfect the way you are, you’re perfect.”
They sit until they’re both sniffling. Vanya pulls back and wipes her eyes. Allison feels… for fucks sakes. Drunk.
“Oh my God,” Vanya says. “I love this. I’m such a mess. I invite you over and we do something fun and I just cry.” She hiccups.
“Hey,” Allison pulls her up, gestures to her own face, feigning affront. “My mascara’s running too.” Vanya’s lips quirk, thank God.
“You’ve got your own problems, I know, that was an asshole thing of me to say,” Vanya tells her, sincerely, which Allison again doesn’t follow.
“No it wasn’t,” Allison says, anyway, because it seems like a reasonable response. “I love you.”
“I love you too,” Vanya says, and it’s the best thing to hear. Allison’s heart feels better. They’re here. They’ve got this. They’re… fuck it. They’re so drunk.
“Did you see the one where Luther is in the mob and Klaus is his right hand tough guy?” Vanya says, then, perking up abruptly.
“What,” Allison swings her gaze back to the screen. “No, oh my God, show that to me,” and they go back to reading things out loud to each other and rather shortly seem to accidentally ‘fall asleep’ on Vanya’s couch. Allison is an adult, she can do what she likes.
The absolutely minuscule hangover is confusing until around ten thirty, when it makes itself known to have been secretly gearing up into a monster.
Thirty year old body – not so hot after random mid-week drinking sessions. Good to know.
“It’s really cool that you’re hanging out,” Luther says to her on the phone, that weekend. “It must be nice having. Uh. Girl time.”
Girl time, Allison mouths, to her empty hallway, and then says, “yeah it’s great. You should call her, go to her place.”
“She might not want me there. I might see if she wants to come here.”
“Look uh.” How to put this, Allison thinks hard. “Maybe you should check out her apartment, see how you like the building. It might, I don’t know, give you ideas.” To move out. Of the academy. Because you should definitely be thinking about that, please, Luther, I’ve now come firmly to the conclusion that that house is not good for you… She doesn’t say.
“About what?” He replies, not getting the hint then.
“It doesn’t matter. How’s Five?” Too big of a subject. Allison changes it.
“Oh. I don’t know. He’s out a lot.”
“What do you get up to, all by yourself?” She says, realizes a second late that it’s come out like a tease.
“Uh.” He can catch some subtleties then. “Oh. I read the weirdest thing this morning.”
From: Spaceboy
I’m rediscovering all the neat things about the Linux kernel. Looking on the internet it seems like most of it has already been rediscovered to death by the computer science majors out there. I missed out on a lot of technology news when I was on the moon. I also missed out on reading what people thought about Vanya’s book. Dad might have told me not to bother with it. I might regret that a little bit. So thanks for sending me this, it’s a piece of entertainment on the lighter side of the other stuff. This URL will take you to the most confusing thing I have ever read. I’m including Dad’s early tactical briefings.
The URL in the email is for a new section of the forum called LUTHERXDIEGO.
She reads a short story about Luther and Diego being the undiscovered queers of the academy, which, Allison has so much to say about that that she can’t even start, but better still they do it whilst maintaining their status as mermen One and Two at Reginald Hargreeves Underwater Academy for Ocean Protection. Her fictional mer-self is in fictional Underwater Hollywood in one of the spin-offs (it blows her mind. People literally writing fanfiction of fanfiction, in here). The quality of the writing is so high that it’s practically professional. Allison suspects DREAMSTAR might have another day job.
She reads around little bit more, and then comes across probably the most entertaining thing since the imaginary universe where her and Diego were married and he was somehow organised enough to work undercover for the CIA (which, honestly, she’s more likely to be married to him. And he’s her brother).
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: “I missed you a lot and it was really lonely on the moon” said Luther. “I wish I had been able to go with you” said Diego. “Do you remember when we used to fight when we were younger” said Luther. “Yes because Dad made us” said Diego. “No I meant with each other” said Luther. “It sucked” said Diego. “We should try again” said Luther. “Only because you’re so hot” said Diego. “You think I’m hot?” said Luther. “I have pictures of your arms” said Diego. “Wow” said Luther.
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: would anybody even want to read this but they were both my teen crushes and I saw a pic of spaceboy as a young adult and his arms and holeeeeesmokes
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: and in vanya’s book they are together a lot
TIM: the way they are described in the book makes me wonder a little I must confess
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: I THINK ITS HOTTTTTTTTTT
DREAMSTAR: wow is porn about to start
COLOSSUSRULES99: GUYS I AM DRAWING A LINE HERE THEY ARE BROTHERS
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: ADOPTED
SHMOOPEY569: I do not know hwo I feel about this
COLOSSUSRULES99: I HAVE AN ADOPTED SISTER AND NO NO NOOOOOOO HARD NO
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: IS SHE HOTTTTTTTTT
COLOSSUSRULES99: get the fuck out rn
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: so you would wanna read it?
DIEGOHARGREEVES: Hi. This is Diego Hargreeves. I have a comment. No.
Allison straight up almost falls off her chair.
It’s just a handle but… he would. He so, so, so would oh God she has a feeling.
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: HAHA YEH RITE NOT FALLNIG 4 THAT
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: CHANGE UR UNAME NOT COOL
COLOSSUSRULES99: ha ha ha ha. Imagine diego hargreeves reading this. Between CIA jobs.
TIM: you really latched on to that theory, huh.
COLOSSUSRULES99: it makes SENSE tho is what i’m saying
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: “Luther we can’t be together” said Diego. “Is it because of work” said Luther. “Yes” said Diego. “Quit your job” said Luther. “I can’t the world needs me” said Diego. “But I need you” said Luther needily. “Show me your arms” said Diego. Luther took off his shirt. “You are so sexy” said Diego. “No you are the hottest one of us all” said Luther. “Wanna bang” said Diego sexily. “Yes yes yes yes” said Luther.
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: hehe
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: FAP FAP
COLOSSUSRULES99: u guys are unbelievable
DIEGOHARGREEVES: 100% this comment. I can’t believe I’m reading this. It’s a nightmare.
TIM: We’ll assume you mean content wise and aren’t being unkind.
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: aw tim
TIM: my board my rules. ‘be nice’. they’re pinned for a reason.
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: AW TIM
Allison stalks him around the board as he starts commenting on things. DIEGOHARGREEVES gets trolled, like, a lot. But then again, he says stuff like,
DIEGOHARGREEVES: Raw eggs is a healthy breakfast choice
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: IF U WANNA B ARNIE IN 1970
DIEGOHARGREEVES: That makes no sense
and
DIEGOHARGREEVES: why don’t you just go to the gym?
SHMOOPEY569: my dog died im upset y do I want to work out
and, in a move that absolutely confirms to Allison who’s behind the keyboard here,
DIEGOHARGREEVES: knife
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: pirate
TIM: booty
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: BUTT
DREAMSTAR: fag
TIM: first warning
DREAMSTAR: me!??! wat for?!
TIM: homophobic language
DREAMSTAR: where!?!???????
TIM: “fag”
DREAMSTAR: im from fuking brighton m8. fags in my mouth all day nuffink homophobic language about that
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: fags… in ur mouth all day
DREAMSTAR: where else u put them
TIM: cultural misunderstanding. Carry on. Next time say cigarette.
DREAMSTAR: bellend
TIM: dick
DREAMSTAR: head
DIEGOHARGREEVES: shot
DREAMSTAR: always w the violence never w the porn. Well ;);)
DREAMSTAR: ur word association so telling my guy
Allison misses him, she thinks. He was pretty cold last time they spoke, but then again he’s always been a bit like that. The forum is reminding her that she finds his grumpiness kind of funny.
When they were eleven, him and Luther somehow figured out how to make the house phone ring from the computer in Pogo’s lab. They thought it was absolutely hilarious and effectively prank called the house a dozen times before they were found out, Allison thinks she remembers. The lab got locked down after that and her brothers effectively stopped speaking.
Maybe he used to laugh a little bit more before they had to grow up.
Then again, maybe they all did.
MMKAY87: holy shit is that the actual Diego Hargreeves?
DIEGOHARGREEVES: Yes.
COLOSSUSRULES99: nah. They pretend they r tho. We let them keep the name
DREAMSTAR: they’re pretty funny so its worth it
COLOSSUSRULES99: the description fo wat happened to ben was weird can n e 1 explain 2 me wat actually happened
TIM: I thought it was vague for a reason. it seemed like a sore subject.
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: REWATCHED INTERVIEWS OF 0.01 AND 0.02
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: NEW THEORY
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: THEY IN HAWAII
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: THEY LOVE EACH OTHER
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: THEY SO INTENSE
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: LUTHER AND DIEGO DISCUSS
Allison finally convinces him to meet her. It’s at a bar, but whatever.
“Hey bro,” she says, feeling strangely like she knows him a little better having seen the way he types words out. On the internet. To people who write porn about him.
“Hey sis,” he says. “How’s it going?”
“Good,” she says. “Oh, my God,” she can’t hold it in, actually, she had planned to be cool but she can’t. “Okay can we please just talk about the elephant in the room?”
“I knew this was what you wanted to talk about,” Diego huffs, throws a melodramatic arm across his face and flops backwards in the chair.
“No, don’t even Diego, I’ve seen you on the board, you love it.”
“I do not love it!” He protests, while Allison grins like a madwoman.
“You do. You love being grumpy with all those people online. Plus. You know. It’s kind of cool,” she shrugs. “Like a fan club just for us.”
“You love it,” her brother accuses. “Listen to yourself.”
“I mean, yeah,” Allison says, because she kind of does, she doesn’t care. “I mean it’s creepy sometimes, and the ‘screw, marry, kill’ stuff is a bit weird, especially if they know we could be reading it...”
“Urgh,” Diego groans. “I can’t believe that.”
“I made a handle for Luther.”
“What is it?”
“He wanted to get in on your arguments.”
“He did not.”
“He did too. I think he’s preparing an essay on exactly why the two of you don’t live in Hawaii in secret romantic exile. That conspiracy theory just… grew legs, he spent a whole day reading those posts.”
Diego cracks a little bit at that. Literally. He makes a huffing sound then smacks a hand across his mouth, like it’d kill him to laugh.
Allison gives him a sideways look.
He does it again, and his shoulders start to shake violently.
“Oh my God,” he says, and yeah, he’s actually laughing, like, cracking up, and Allison might be in shock because she hasn’t seen him do that in years and years and… since he was a kid. “Out of all of us. You and Luther were in the book, Allison, Vanya wrote about it and people still go after the idea that me and him...” he can’t finish, he’s laughing too much. “Me,” he cackles, “and – Luther – who would – ahahahaha.”
Allison just takes in the sight, wishes she was recording it for posterity. And to show Luther later. And… shit. Can you post videos to those message boards? That… the thought gets shelved for later, but it’s an appealing one.
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: idk who I think is hotter now i’m all grown up and not supposed to be doing this. There are not a lot of pics of them as adults.
HERADINGTHEENDTIMES: DIEGO IS THE HOTTEST
MMKAY87: diego teen magazine yeah it was 13 years ago don’t care
MMKAY87: that face
MMKAY87: those hands
K-HOLE: may I interrupt
K-HOLE: diego is kind of a dork peeples
K-HOLE: almost can’t believe I spent my daily computer hour reading this what what what
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: hey welcome to the board haven’t seen you aronud before
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: who is your fave then
TIM: where did you get dork from? Just interested.
A short while later, in “Fanficccccc?”
K-HOLE: I have a new fanfiction for your fine selveges
K-HOLE: poor dear klaus was in rehab, yet again, because his siblings hated him. all he wanted was for his allegedly loving delinquent brother diego to hop on in and break him out, heroically, using his vigilante skill and flair. when his apparently giving a shit brother failed to turn up at all, even for visiting hours or family therapy or anything whatsoever poor klaus realised that diego was completely full of shit and didn’t give a crap at all and just wanted klaus all locked up and feeling like poo forever because diego thought he was annoying just like everybody else. what a shithead! thought klaus. diego sucks!
K-HOLE: mwah.
TIM: interesting perspective.
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: when was klaus in rehab
COLOSSUSRULES99: diego a delinquent vigilante thats intriguing
DIEGOHARGREEVES: Can I continue your trash.
DIEGOHARGREEVES: Klaus was in rehab because Klaus saw ghosts and it stressed him out and instead of dealing with it he decided to get high because it made the ghosts go away. Klaus needed to get clean and learn some new ways to deal with ghosts. Also Klaus could do loads of stuff with ghosts when he wasn’t high and that might include making them fuck off but Klaus didn’t know because he wouldn’t stop putting nasty shit in his body. Klaus liked to think nobody listened to him when he said stuff because then he could be a martyr and put more nasty shit in his body and be all angry and justified. When he dies Klaus is going to realize that that was stupid.
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: … like that was really creative but wtf
TIM: Klaus had a bit of a drug and alcohol problem in the book but I don’t remember anything about rehab. Might skim read it again to check.
Allison sits and thinks about the exchange for a long time. Well, ten minutes. Who the fuck else would know about that. Allison isn’t sure.
Also, Klaus is in rehab again. Okay.
To: WearingItBetter; GrumpyGoth
Hey. Enjoying writing fanfiction about yourselves? I’m actually impressed with the quality of your work. Kudos, boys, kudos.
She doesn’t notice him on the board again until another post in “Fanficccccc?” nearly a week later.
K-HOLE: diego thought that klaus was the hottest. he thought about klaus being the hottest all day. klaus thought about klaus being the most beautiful wonderful mostest hottest of all of his miserable siblings. but diego also did not want to have sex with him! it was awful. klaus brought it up with his therapist. klaus’ therapist decided it sounded like poor klaus had been molested. klaus let the silly therapist think about that. diego was also listening to klaus’ therapist think about that because he had dragged his dusty nutsack to klaus’ family therapy. what a champ. paul, if you’re reading this – bet ya are, superfan: I am not even slightly sorry. maybe get your prescription pad out in time next week.
TIM: you are really going for the rehab angle.
COLOSSUSRULES99: that would b realy sad if it was true
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: I am really digging the klaus x diego thing guys
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: “You’re the hottest” said Diego. “Am I hotter than Luther?” Klaus asked. They were getting dressed ready to go to work together. “I think you might be” said Diego. “It’s a shame I have to cover it all up with a disguise” said Klaus. He was going undercover with Diego and they were both blonde for it. “You still look sexy blonde” said Diego. “Thanks babe” said Klaus. “Do I still look sexy blonde” Diego asked nervously. Klaus pretended to think about it. “i don’t know, maybe take your shirt off and i’ll decide” said Klaus. “Why do you always make us late” said Diego, but he wasn’t really cross.
DIEGOHARGREEVES: The only thing I can be bothered to address about this is that Klaus making me take my shirt off makes me late. In. No. Universe.
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: I LOVE THAT YOU ARE STILL PRETENDING TO BE DIEGO HARGREEVES
Aw dammit. Allison misses her family. She spends way, way too long reading posts and looking for Diego and Klaus’ attempts at communication via fanfiction (she thinks… hopes… ?). She knows Vanya is reading it across town. She knows that Luther has eyes on them as well. It feels… she feels…
She feels connected to them, again, somehow. It’s different to being at the academy. It’s different to when Vanya didn’t, erm, blow up the moon. It’s different and it’s much better, because there’s space and they’re all being themselves and it’s like they can say what they really want to and… she’s a coward, she wouldn’t know what to say, she just stalks them around the board and thinks about Luther and Vanya, and Five wherever he is, whatever he’s doing. She loves them all.
Allison emails them all, separately, with the address to her apartment.
It feels a bit like progress.
Diego emails her back. She reads the sarcasm like he’s in the room.
From: GrumpyGoth
Wow we finally get to visit casa Allison. I’m honored. I’ll bring Klaus if that’s okay because he needs a babysitter. His words not mine. Next time you have to do family therapy with him, I have never seen him lie so much in the space of an hour. It was impressive and I never want to be in that situation ever again, and just thinking about that you definitely owe me so brace yourself while I think about what I want.
Diego comes to her apartment with Klaus.
His first demand is, “tell us how to find a place to live like this,” which makes her blink.
“Wow, all the manners,” Klaus says, rolling his eyes. Allison takes in the sight of him. He looks good, but to be honest he always has. There’s a little more weight on him than she remembers before she ran away and started avoiding everybody, and his hair is longer – and –
“Your hair is curly,” she interrupts her own thought process, getting up in his space to grab at it.
“Hey,” he complains, and she guiltily lets go. “You hate that, why would I not hate that.”
“I’m your sister,” she says. “Besides, I’ve never seen it this long.”
“Yeah, well,” he says, suddenly sounding cross. “Neither have I. Surprise. Curls.”
“It’s cute,” Diego says. “Allison didn’t have manners either. Stop making me sound like the grouch of the family.”
“I don’t know whether to cut it off,” Klaus says.
“Don’t,” Allison tells him at once. “Diego’s right. It’s cute.”
K-HOLE: pitch for a new thread: once upon a time there were two brothers who needed a place to stay and their sister was a rich and famous movie star. those brothers were the brothers hargreeves, known to each other as klaus and diego. their sister: the fabulous(ly wealthy!) allison, star of numerous blockbusters, light of our hearts, etc etc. like in the sitcoms the brothers descended upon the generosity and spare bedrooms of the wonderful allison, and they all lived together and had wild adventures – breakfast together on the couch! opening the door for the grocery man! never doing anything naughty like heroin! seriously, somebody whip some ideas up for how that would go. entertain me.
COLLOSSUSRULES99: FIRST!!!!! they lived together in seperate bedrooms like normal ppl. Every weekend klaus conjured up a dead movie star and they watched a movie that they were in together. Allison sometimes heard a rumor that somebody else fixed her hair, or stopped leaving their dirty dishes on the coffee table or whatever. Diego made sushi with his mad knife skills.
DREAMSTAR: id go fuking mad living w my family like that lol
DREAMSTAR: Klaus and Diego moved in to their sisters place like freeloaders. After the second time she found the toilet seat left up Allison regretted everything and kicked them back out. They went back to doing Friday Night Dinner like normal siblings and that was way better.
UMBRELLAFAAAAAN: Allison caught Diego and Klaus making out in her bedroom. “What are you doing” she said. “Sorry” said Diego. “We were thinking about you taking a shower” said Klaus. “It made us all horny” said Diego. “Do you want to join in” said Klaus and luckily the bed was big enough for three people and they had sex until it was time to order pizza. Allison put Diegos shirt on to answer the door. “Pizza delivery” said Luther, dressed as a pizza man. Allison grabbed him and they started kissing. “I can’t decide if I want to eat pizza or Luther” said Diego when he saw them.
Allison thinks it’s probably weird that her first instinct is to show this to Diego, and then thinks that they’re probably just a bunch of weirdos when, a few comments down, she reads
DIEGOHARGREEVES: No to pizza, no to Luther – although strong plot choice, very 80s porn
TIM: where’s Vanya in this scenario?
DIEGOHARGREEVES: Writing a sequel.
TIM: I wish
SCHMOOPEY569: I wish too
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: I WISH SO BAD
From: LittlestSister
Hey. Do you really have Klaus and Diego freeloading off you? That sounds like my idea of a nightmare personally but I think I’m too used to living alone. You have more bedrooms than I do! Hope everything’s okay.
To: LittlestSister
They dropped in a couple of weeks ago. Klaus needed a place to stay and Diego’s his sponsor and I owe him for taking on that mantle so said my door was open. You wouldn’t notice them to be honest, Diego goes out all night and sleeps half the day, I guess Klaus leaves half-finished crosswords everywhere but it’s not like I’m suddenly doing their laundry or having to cook for them. You should visit, come see the lack of chaos.
There are several new threads. “CIA conspiracy????”, which really should have been its own section long before now, “ALLISON X DIEGO” which… okay, cool, “LUTHER X DIEGO” and yes, okay, and then “KLAUS X DIEGO” and for God’s sakes, why is everybody having sex with Diego? Why does nobody on this board realize what a grump he is?
“Why do these people think that you are the one everybody would want to have sex with?” She asks him, out loud.
He belches loudly at her. “And that is what I think of what you just said,” he informs her, lounging back across her couch. Klaus wanders by and casually high fives him.
“I’m serious,” she complains. She clicks into the “ALLISON X DIEGO” thread and scans a story about them wandering along the beach, holding hands. She looks at her brother. She imagines wandering along anything with him holding hands. Immediately her imaginary Diego is jabbing her in the ribs.
“You’re disgusting,” she remembers to tell him, loftily, in the tones of one who would never burp to annoy their sibling.
“Say that to my face,” he singsongs, like he thinks he’s even slightly threatening, so Allison leaves the computer and lopes over to sit on him. After a brief scuffle she has him pinned.
“Dis-gus-ting,” she sounds out, right into his face. His eyes narrow. “You belch in my face and I will kick your ass,” she warns.
“Better get out of my face then,” he says, and then lets out another one.
“Oh my God, Diego,” she leans back and smacks him. He kicks out from under her and they fall onto the floor, smacking at each other childishly until Diego finds her ribs. “I’m not ticklish,” she squeals, “stop it I’m not ticklish,” to cover the sound of her being incredibly ticklish, and he starts laughing at her and she starts in on his ribs until she finds the spot, and that’s how Luther finds them a moment later, oh, right, Klaus was wandering by to get the door.
“Uh,” Luther says, peering down at them.
“Hi Luther,” Allison greets, out of breath.
“If this were a fanfiction you’d both have your tops off right now,” Klaus says regarding the situation seriously.
“Oh, Allison’s boobs,” Diego says, pulling a face.
“Allison’s boobs,” Luther repeats, in an entirely different tone.
“Yep. That was worth it,” Klaus says, winking at her while Allison contemplates how she feels about her three brothers suddenly thinking about her boobs.
Fanfiction has corrupted them.
“How was your journey?” She says, instead, looking at Luther upside down. He moves over to haul her up to her feet, offers a hand to Diego who ignores it and pats him on the shoulder once he’s struggled upright.
“Good,” Luther says. “Traffic was fine. Nice place.”
“Oh, you’ve never been here either?” Klaus says sounding surprised, and she wants to hit him. “Huh. Thought it was just the least favored bros being excluded from your batchelorette pad.”
“Want something to drink?” She speaks over him, loudly.
“What if I want something to drink?” Diego complains slyly. “Why don’t I get asked if I want something to drink?”
Allison kicks out at him. He dodges. She stalks into the kitchen ahead of Luther, expecting him to follow. Klaus and Diego smirk at her and stay behind.
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: I WROTE ONE
COLOSSUSRULES99: this should b good
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: Vanya Hargreeves woke up one day and thought, fuck it, so I don’t have powers that’s alright. I can still slay. Ordinary people have to put up with not having powers all the time. I don’t even want powers come to think of it. Powers seem like a waste of time.
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: I AM A DIEHARD FAN OK
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: Vanya Hargreeves slayed at life. She did mysterious CIA things in the day and then partied all night and had fun. She did not need any of the other adopted people from the Umbrella Academy to validate her existence.
WHITEVIOLINFAN: This is the most sense I’ve seen on this entire bulletin board. I still have several corrections.
WHITEVIOLINFAN: None of the Hargreeves work for the CIA. That shit died with Reginald, thank God; those people are disorganized. Vanya’s “all night” kind of nights involve playing concert halls – she is an absolutely beautiful violinist, by the way, should anybody wish to be a real fan of Vanya’s and support her art – followed by tea and a healthy night’s mind-your-own-business. Her siblings remain in touch with her; she is particularly close with her other sister which makes sense given their minority status in the family. Finally; do not assume Vanya Hargreeves to be anything Extra-Ordinary, her life has been complex and her true power veiled for most of it. She is more extraordinary than any of you can comprehend
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: U STAN HER LIKE ME
HERALDINGTHEENDTIMES: I READ LOVE
TIM: do you have a source?
COLOSSUSRULES99: fucking hell guys
SCHMOOPEY569: so im not the only one having emotions
WHITEVIOLINFAN: source; yes
TIM: going to share?
WHITEVIOLINFAN: no
TIM: okay everybody just had a DM from WHITEVIOLINFAN, can confirm the source appears legitimate. Also unsure as to whether I should move states.
WHITEVIOLINFAN: unnecessary, we have an understanding
“I’m emailing Five,” Diego tells Allison, reading over her shoulder. “That shit’s too cute for words.”
Damn.
Props to the internet.