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BAZ
“Baz…” His voice is barely there.
I don't want to listen to it. I don't want to hear him say it. Say that I am a fool. That he wouldn't ever feel like that for me. That everything, everything, that ever happened between us was nothing but a mistake. That he is sorry for hurting me, for breaking my heart to pieces, but he can't do anything about it.
I don't want to listen to him say it. I would rather if I say it all out loud myself. I would rather if I let him go, instead of him dumping me and feeling bad about it. I would rather if I tell him everything.
“No.” I finally whisper, trying to push down the lump in my throat. “Please don't. Please don't say that you- you think I- I know that you don't want me.”
He looks stricken, mouth opening in horror, blue eyes widening and then he is shaking his head, his curls bouncing wildly. I glance away from him.
“Baz! I- I don't- I just-”
“Simon. I- I know.” I interrupt him, still looking out at the sea. I can't bear to look at him. It hurts.
“I know that I did something. I know that I made some mistake at some point. I don't know what I did, I have no idea. I don't know why you pushed me away. I may be heartbroken, but I am not a fool. I can see that you don't want me.”
My voice is wavering and I can barely speak. Taking in a deep shuddering breath, I press my palms in my eyes as I struggle to hold back my tears that threaten to pour down.
“I can see that you don't want me.” I continue, each word choking me, piercing my heart like a glass shard. “I can see that you- you would like it if I leave you alone. I know that you want to break up with me. I know that you think us getting together was a mistake and you just made it because you've always been reckless. I know. And I will leave you, if that's what you want. If me not being a part of your life would make you happy, then I'd gladly do so, Simon. I'd leave you, if it makes you happy. But just- just tell me where I went wrong. Tell me what I did to make you push me away. Tell me what I did to make you hate me. Just tell me. I will leave then, I'd let you be happy.”
“No.” He breathes out and I finally turn to look at him and feel alarmed when I see that his eyes are swimming with unshed tears.
“It would never.” He mutters and then hesitantly lifts his hand, before carefully placing it over mine. I think of turning my palm and holding his hand but I stop. Physical contact with him is rare and I'm not going to ruin this chance, which might as well be the last.
“It would never make me happy if you leave Baz.” He says, swallowing, words thick with emotion. His Adam's apple is bobbing, shoulders rippling slightly, the whole show, the one I've watched a hundred times, the one I will continue to see as long as he allows me to.
Except, I can't focus on that. I can only focus on what he is saying.
“I- I don't want you to leave.” He whispers, squeezing my hand ever so slightly. “I don't hate you. I don't want to be without you. I would never be happy. I just-”
He hangs his head forward, tired, and looking out at the sea before turning his head to gaze at me.
“I just don't want you to be with me because you promised me or you feel sorry for me. I am not what I was. I am not a nuclear bomb now. I don't have unlimited potential. I am just- I am just a Normal. I-”
“Simon.” I hiss, interrupting him. How can he even think like that? Why does he think that I loved his power?
“No, Baz, let me speak.” He says, shaking his head, inhaling deeply.
“I- I'm a Normal. I don't fit in with you. I can't- I can't keep up with you. Look at me! I can't even take care of myself; you or Penny always have to use some spell on me. I can't do anything about myself. I'm a fuckup. And you...” His teary eyes soften, mouth curving into a sad smile. “You are so beautiful. You are so perfect. You don't deserve to be with a tosser like me. You deserve someone who is better than me. Someone who can keep up with you, who is-”
“Simon.” I say again, after listening to him in a stunned silence. “Simon. Can't you see? Can't you see that it's you I want? That it's you I fell in love with? I loved your power Simon, I did. But that came somewhere far, far below your goodness, your bravery, your unwavering loyalty, your hot headedness, your kind heartedness. It came far below your lovely bronze hair and your beautiful blue eyes and your moles and your freckles. Can't you see that I love every part of you? Can't you see that I don't care whether you have magic or not? Can't you see that I would-” I choke on a sob.
“Can't you see that I would never be happy without you?”
Simon is looking like he has been slapped.
“Baz...”
SIMON
Baz has rendered me speechless. I can't get anything out of my mouth.
I thought- I thought he only felt sorry for me, that he lugged me around because he had promised to love me. That I was the only one who was completely in love. That whatever emotion Baz had felt for me had dwindled and died away when he saw me for who I am: a complete fuck up.
But he says... He says he loves me. For who I am. That he wouldn't ever be happy without me and that he doesn't care whether I have magic or not.
It's so difficult to breathe now, it's like I can slowly see everything falling into place together. I can see why he had become so careful to touch me, I can see why he was always so hesitant around me. It's because he thought I didn't want him anymore.
I have never wanted anyone more than I have wanted Baz.
So many things are making sense. That night in the truck, he was so hesitant because he thought I would push him away again. In that field full of fireflies, he had kissed me and I had thought it didn't mean anything. When I had got shot, I had heard him crying over me, I had seen him in a murderous rage. And I still hadn't figured it out...
I can't believe it. I can't believe how unbelievably thick I am. I can't believe that I could never see how much Baz loves me.
Still... I am no longer the Simon who would recklessly grab what he wanted. I am no longer the Simon who had asked Baz to be his boyfriend after spending years as enemies, just because it felt wonderful.
I don't know why, I have just stopped myself from being too happy because a part of me insists that I don't deserve it. I have done too many wrongs. Starting with hurting Baz over and over again over the past few months.
I am going to fight it out with him. Because I can't let myself be. Because I am stupidly self destructive.
“Lamb. I thought- I thought you liked him.” I say lamely and half expect Baz to shout at me and finally lose his patience, but he only laughs humourlessly. It's more of a disbelieving snort. It's worse than him shouting.
“Lamb? Lamb? Simon, did you even hear what I said? Did you even listen to me? I have never loved anyone but you. I could never love anyone but you. Lamb? He's a vampire. He tried to get you killed! The only emotion I feel for him is intense hatred. And I feel- I feel so stupid for ever trusting him. For thinking that he actually wanted to help.”
He laughs again, bitterly, then sighs.
“I chose you, Simon. For better or for worse, I chose you. No matter what happens, no matter what choices I am faced with, my choice will always be you. I won't be able to- I won't be able to choose anyone else. You... you just took hold of my heart and you never let it go. Even if you leave me, no one would ever be able to claim it; it has always been yours. It would always be yours.”
I can't see the sea in front of me, my vision has been blurred with tears.
A part of me wants to fling my arms around him, pull him into me and then never move. Just be with him. I don't give a damn about anything or anyone else right now. But I don't do it, because I know he deserves something like an apology or I dunno... An explanation.
“Baz, I-” I turn towards him now, shifting awkwardly and then clumsily bringing up my palms to cup his face and his skin is cool to touch, despite the fact we are sitting out in the sun. His eyes widen at the contact and for a moment, I worry if I have crossed a line but then I remember that it's probably because I have deprived him of it for so long.
“I never. I just- I just thought you would be happier without me.” I mutter, feeling a tear trickle down my cheek. “I wanted you to be happy. I have- I don't care about anyone the way I care about you. I am sorry, I am so sorry for pushing you away. I am so sorry for thinking that it would do you good. I am sorry for hurting you-”
“No.” He interrupts me, shaking his head slightly and then leaning towards me to press our foreheads together. “No don't be. I should have noticed how you were feeling, I should have tried to see things the way you were seeing them, instead of making it about me.”
I remain quiet for a second.
“We are both such colossal fuck ups.” I say, laughing a little. “We have been hurting ourselves, thinking the other one hates them. We could have just- I don't know- just tried to sit down and unload it little by little.”
“Yeah.” He is smiling too. “We still have a lot to talk about, but this is a start.”
“This is a start.” I echo him.
We remain silent for a few seconds, staring into each other's eyes. His eyes, they are beautiful. I have never seen anything like his eyes, nothing so breathtakingly gorgeous. I can stare into his eyes for hours, and never tire.
I can stare at him for hours and maybe, it wouldn't hurt me so much now. Because he is mine. He would never not be mine.
“You know, that night in the truck.” I whisper, leaning closer and brushing our lips together. “I had thought of something...”
“Yeah?”
“Mhm. I thought of- I thought of opening up a vein. I wanted to tie our hearts together, chamber by chamber. I wanted nothing to seperate us. I wish there was a spell for that.”
“Oh, Simon...” Baz says, leaning closer and now we are almost kissing, but not quite. I think he is crying a little. I think I am crying a little too. “Simon that's- since when did you become so poetic?”
“I can bring Shakespeare to shame for you, darling.”
“Shut up.”
Then he kisses me and for the first time since that night in the truck, I allow myself to completely lose myself in him. I allow myself to think about only him, and him alone. I allow myself to revel in the joy I feel, without any undertones of pain this time.
“Baz!” someone shouts and I groan. Can't I even kiss him now that we have sorted out at least some of the shit?
I look up to see Penny running towards us. She’s out of breath. We both stand when we see the look on her face, utter terror and shock. Baz catches her by the shoulders.
“What? What is it?” He demands, sounding panicked too.
Her brown eyes are lit with horror. “Baz, there’s trouble at Watford. We have to go home—now!”
“What?” I shout, catching her too and she turns towards me, looking like she is going to be sick.
“Yes. We have to go. No time to lose. Come on, hurry up!”
“But what happened?”
“No time to lose, just- just come on!”
Then she is running away. I stare after her for a second before looking at Baz. He gives me a determined nod and then, hesitantly, extends his hand towards me.
I don't think twice before I interwine our fingers tightly, and then together, we take off after Penny.