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Well Duck it!

Summary:

There was a squeak. Clark realized it came from him. From his inability to comprehend what these people, these allies/partners/trusted circle of Batman’s were trying to explain to him. It was… it was absurd. So far fetched. Was he getting pranked? Because… because to put it into words. It was… It was-

“They turned Bruce into a duck?!”

Apparently not as difficult as he imagined.

 

Or: Bruce gets magically turned into a duck. And the events that follow. With a side of pre-superbat because I am trash.

Notes:

Blame the ManManBangBang discord. Especially Sai. This is their fault. Don't blame them for the subpar writing though. That's entirely my fault.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: What The Duck.

Chapter Text

“Don’t you think it’s gonna be suspicious Batman hasn’t made an appearance in over two months?”

 

A pause. 

 

“Of course I do but with B’s… current situation, you know there’s nothing we can do but fill in for him momentarily.”

 

Clark hadn’t meant to be eavesdropping. It was a rule he’d made for himself early on when he’d been in the beginnings of establishing the Superman name for himself to never abuse the powers his heritage gave him on his allies. Sometimes though, there were exceptions. Occasionally his very human allies would disappear without a word to the League for an unusually extended period of time. Clark would, in turn, unconsciously open up his hearing to trace for any signs of the said missing person even during the hours where he wasn’t Superman.

 

It was only natural that the first place he’d focus on would be Gotham.

 

That’s when he accidentally overheard the two (young?) men talking about Batman as if they knew him personally.

 

“Fill in for him momentarily” is what one of them said. Clark frowned, recalling that in the time Batman had disappeared, another costumed vigilante had been protecting Gotham in his stead. “Nightwing” he had learned was the name people were calling him. He would be more curious, perhaps would have taken his time to formally introduce himself to another hero but…

 

A slight feeling of dread settled low in his stomach when he thought about what “current situation” could render Bruce unable to inform anyone of his whereabouts for well over a month. To have someone else overlooking his city. He knew he shouldn’t ever underestimate Bruce, that the Batman had always given him reason to do the complete opposite.

 

But still, even if Alfred has told me constantly that everything is fine…  

 

Clark looked out his window towards the direction of Gotham for no more than a second before his decision was made.

 

In his haste to get to the lake house however, he had consciously muted his hearing again. 

 

“Pfft-! Current situation ?! Is that what we’re calling it?!”

 

Therefore one of the men’s hysterical laughter never reached Superman, nor did the other’s exasperated sigh.

 

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

 

It’s when Clark touches down at the entrance of the lake house that his nerves finally make an appearance. He’s not human, he doesn’t sweat like one nor has he ever experienced an increase in his blood pressure in response to stress (so long as he’s not near kryptonite of course, even though that’s something Clark actively tries not to ever think about) but perhaps it was due to the influence of his upbringing. He can’t count the number of times he’d been caught by his parents doing something he shouldn’t have as a cheeky teen (despite using his powers to try to get out of trouble, somehow they always knew) and gotten a tongue lashing from Ma or disappointed frown from Pa. It never once ceased to make something unpleasant flutter low in his stomach.

 

The same feeling was which was now causing Superman to-well not quite squirm uncomfortably on the front door of his friend’s (?) home. What if Bruce was perfectly fine and Clark was making a big deal out of nothing? No word to the League for two months didn’t necessarily mean he was in trouble, after all. The League had gotten so big, with so many members now actively protecting the world together, it was ok if Bruce had decided the other’s could handle epic level threats without needing his knowledge and expertise for a month or two right? Batman was entitled to a vacation every now and then.

 

Superman ran that thought through his head a hundred times in less than ten seconds before he gave a full body shudder. Yeah no… ‘Batman’ and ‘vacations’ should probably never ever be put into the same sentence again unless there were the words ‘does not take’ in between. Deciding he’d stalled long enough, Clark took a deep breath (out of habit more than anything else) and carefully rung the doorbell. 

 

Just because he’d flown here as Superman doesn’t mean he could be rude and just waltz right in demanding to know what happened to Batman. His Ma taught him better than that.

 

He didn’t have to wait long before a familiar face opened the door to greet him.

 

“Ah, Superman. We’d been expecting you.” Alfred nodded in his direction with a small smile.

 

Clark felt himself smile automatically in response.

 

“Hello Alfred I-wait you were?” Clark blinked. “Wait, ‘we’?” 

 

The Wayne butler merely continued to smile before stepping aside to let Clark in. Clark, for his part, didn’t see any reason not to take the invitation but when the doors closed behind him and the older gentleman started guiding him into the house he could have sworn there was something akin to amusement in Alfred’s eyes as he passed by.

 

He followed without a word.

 

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-


The walk to the Cave was silent but thankfully not awkward. It was practically a routine by now, with how many times the League members had crashed at the lake house pre and post missions. Nothing had changed about it either, Clark noted, during the time that they had lost contact with the Bat. Although Clark was seriously starting to doubt how worried he should have been (and still was to be honest) about a possible kidnapping or accident happening.

 

Alfred didn’t seem the least bit concerned, after all.

 

Try as he might, Clark couldn’t pick up any signs of distress that should have been accompanying someone who’s had the man they practically raised as a son missing for two months. The loyally devoted Wayne butler was perfectly collected and calm.

 

“So…” Clark had to fight back the urge to wince when his voice echoed in the dark cave just a tad louder than he’d intended.

 

Alfred stared back in question.

 

“About Bruce…” he had been a hair’s breadth away from saying ‘Batman’ out of habit. Usually when he was here in Bruce’s home wearing his Superman suit, it meant he was on a professional visit. But he had been deliberate this time. Had said Bruce’s name to incite any reaction from the man before him.

 

Alfred merely smiled with a nod.

 

“Of course. Your, no doubt, many questions concerning Master Bruce and his extended absence will be answered soon, Master Kent. Might I suggest having a snack in the meantime.”

 

And then he was gone, leaving Clark to flounder at being addressed by name. Two can play at that game huh? Alfred hadn’t even missed a beat.

 

With a sigh, Clark resolved himself to wait until the man returned. He hadn’t heard Bruce the whole time he’d been walking inside the lake house. Which meant he wasn’t here. Which meant Alfred would decide when (if?) Clark would be allowed to be privy to the knowledge. It was so strange though, the cave seemed like it had been in use recently, no dust on the keyboard of the large Computer Bruce was always typing away on for some reason or other (research, information gathering, hacking) and the low hum of the plentiful machinery doing their jobs throughout the whole area suggests Batman’s work had never taken a break despite the vigilante himself missing.

 

Clark’s mind went back to the two men he had overheard earlier. No doubt they were the ones occupying this cave in Bruce’s place. It must be them he was waiting for then? Perhaps-

 

A loud squawk and the flapping of what sounded like wings were all the warnings Clark got before something smacked him right in the face. On instinct, he reached out to whatever had attached itself to him, careful when his hands came into contact with what was undoubtedly soft plumage. His first thought was that perhaps a (albeit unusually large) pigeon had somehow made its way to the cave (Clark has learned to ignore the sounds the bats made in the far corner during his stays) but when he had a good enough grip on the (strangely) plump body, making sure not to hurt the creature despite its flailing, he pulled it away at arm’s length to get a better look.

 

It was a duck.

 

A large (for its kind anyway), grey headed, brown and cream bodied duck.

 

Clark blinked. The duck blinked back.

 

“Um… hey there, sorry for startling you.” And yes, Clark can guess what must have happened. Lost in his pondering over Gotham’s… temporary protectors, he had leaned against a nearby table-right where he must have almost unknowingly knocked over the poor bird that had been resting on top of it. Setting the duck back down to its original place, he gave an apologetic smile.

 

The duck stared for all of ten seconds before it narrowed its eyes at him in almost accusatory glare. And then it launched itself at him again, kicking off of the desk with its surprisingly powerful legs straight into the air and it quacked loudly once, flapping its wings frantically. Clark wasn’t expecting it, probably should have dodged it, but he remembered as a child he’d seen once how one of the more adventurous chickens had somehow found its way on top of the large chicken coop Clark had been in charge of and had jumped right off when the boy shouted in surprise at finding it misbehaving again. It had broken its neck after landing awkwardly, twitching pitifully on the ground. Clark hadn’t been able to stop crying for the rest of the day and wouldn’t leave his room for at least a week. Pa had never forced him to keep taking care of the chickens after that.

 

So Clark caught it, with just a bit of a panicked shout (he had never really forgiven himself for scaring Polly), carefully wrapping his arm around the bird so he could gently hold the wings down (the way he used to for the chickens), fear of it smacking his face again would cause the poor flustered thing to accidentally break any bones against his kryptonian body. He couldn’t blame it, of course-to the duck, Clark was probably an intruder it needed to fend off to protect its nest.

 

“Hey buddy, it’s alright. I swear I’m not here to mess up your home. I just-” Clark paused, his goal for coming here in the first place finally catching up to him again. He smiled, a small sad little smile, hoping his voice would portray to the duck that he wasn’t going to be aggressive.

 

“I’m just here to find out where… a good friend is.”

 

The duck had calmed down the moment Clark started talking, blinking up at him from its place against his chest, breast feathers brushing against the crest of the House of El. Just like that, it didn’t move for a few seconds, staring from its perch and Clark was tempted to start petting its back, he couldn’t help it-the feathers just felt so soft in his hands. It reminded him of the chickens back at the farm. Then the duck reached its head up to bite at his nose. It didn’t hurt of course, Clark was more startled than anything (and perhaps a bit offended) but he made sure to keep his grip secure.

 

“Well that wasn’t very nice.”

 

“Nah, that’s just his way of saying ‘Hello, I accept you.’”

 

Clark didn’t jump. But his eyes did widen just a fraction at the new voice. It wasn’t loud per say but it echoed around the cave, as if coming through the walls themselves. Female, light pitched, pleasant and casual. Clark isn’t sure if he should be looking in any one direction to seem polite to this new disembodied presence. Or perhaps it was an AI and could project an image Clark would be able to talk to?

 

“Are you sure? It-I mean he-” thank you disembodied voice for answering that particular question at the back of his mind, “-attacked me not one minute ago, granted that’s not his fault I accidentally almost knocked him over.”

 

A feminine laugh echoed back at him. 

 

“I’m sure the others would have paid to see that.”

 

Others? Other robots? Other AIs?

 

“I’m human by the way, just have my voice set up through the speakers to make things easier for everyone.”

 

Well then.

 

“Look at that, he likes you already. What’d I say?”

 

The duck had indeed settled in even further against Clark’s chest, seemingly unbothered by the conversation taking place to close its eyes and presumably go back to the nap that Clark had so rudely interrupted. He couldn’t help the slight twitch of his mouth.

 

“So anyway, what is Superman doing here in our humble little cave?”

 

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

 

“I see, so you came here because you were worried.”

 

Superman could only shrug in response, causing the duck in his arms to huff unhappily before going back to sleep. He glanced down, giving in to the urge to finally run his fingers gently along feathers in apology before setting his sight back at the computer, the equipment most likely how he was communicating with his new acquaintance.

 

“Can you let you me know where he is?”

 

There was a pause. A decision being deliberated. Clark waited patiently, hoping if the woman-Oracle she had said to call her-on the other line wouldn’t tell him where Bruce was (for he knew she was most definitely part of Bruce’s inner circle right alongside Alfred if she had free reign to the Cave systems like this, so she had to have been told the Bat’s whereabouts as well) she would at least let him know if he was safe.

 

“You know, you’re not what I expected. Like, at all.”

 

Clark blinked. Ok, not the answer to any of his questions but…

 

“And what did you expect?” there was no accusation in his tone, no anger or indignation. Just curiosity.

 

“Oh you know: pompous, full of yourself, definitely has a god-complex. The usual really. Considering you’re always on the news acting like a big shot… not that you’re not a big shot but…” 

 

A sigh.

 

“Never mind. Just thought with how detailed B’s plans were a few years back on how to take you down-ah you know what I’m just gonna shut up now.”

 

“No-no it’s-” Clark hesitated, the memory of his fight with Bruce was a sore spot for both of them on a usual day but… but Clark knows he can get over it. He’d already forgiven Bruce for his actions the moment he’d gained coherence and went off to save the world with a newly formed, not quite functional just yet team of superheroes (wouldn’t it be the pot calling the kettle black anyway? He’d done his own fair share of assuming). It would just take a while longer for him to stop flinching at the memory of his death from that battle.

 

“It’s okay, really. There were a lot of misunderstandings but the important part is that Batman and I are now part of a team that’s making a difference.” Hopefully anyway. With every new superhero that joins the League, there were that many more villains that came with the package. But Kal-El is nothing if not hopeful for a bright future.

 

There was another pause. This time much longer. Clark ignored the urge to stare at the computer, awaiting Oracle’s verdict. Whatever it might be. He chose instead to continue gently petting the animal resting in his arms, shifting the focus of his fingers depending on what sound he could elicit out of the duck. His lips twitched again when the duck unconsciously started a soft low purring just as his brushed over the spot where the blue-gray feathers of his neck met the brown of his back feathers. He didn’t even know birds could make a noise like that.

 

A delighted laughter broke his concentration and he looked up with surprise.

 

“God, alright already! You win! I am utterly defeated!”

 

...what?

 

“Jeez, no wonder Dick told me not to test you. He probably knew the outcome anyway. The ass.”

 

...excuse me?

 

“Sorry about that. Dick is usually right about these things but just had to know for sure myself how much of a boy scout you really are, you know?”

 

What. Who?

 

“‘Boy scout’”?

 

“Bruce’s words, not mine.”

 

Clark blinked. Opened his mouth. Blinked again.

 

“I… You were testing me to see if I was trustworthy to be told of Bruce’s location?”

 

There was a chuckle on the other side.

 

“You got it, big Blue. Sorry, like I said, I had to know for sure. Force of habit when you’ve got Gotham’s protectors to look after. I’m not even really supposed to be in the Bat Computer like this anyway, but don’t tell Bruce that okay?”

 

She wasn’t just talking about the two who are covering for Batman at this very moment.

 

Clark isn’t sure what to do with this information. Bruce has a whole system, a network of people outside of Alfred in on his secret as Gotham’s dark knight? Two highly trained individuals able to perform feats rivaling Batman’s every night for two whole months, had probably been trained by him (probably for far longer than anyone knows) and a genius hacker who was able to go through Bruce’s computer without triggering any alarms (also trained by him?). There were a lot of thoughts, a lot of questions he could have asked but he needs to focus on what is important at the moment. And that’s only one thing. Introduction to the Bat… allies (?) will have to wait.

 

“-don’t tell Bruce that okay?” is what she had said. Which meant she was willing to tell him where Bruce was.

 

“Speak of the devils. That’s them back from patrol, and not a second too late either.”

 

Clark is shocked to find that he had been so centered on his conversation, he hadn’t noticed two different heartbeats entering the lake house, heading their way. With not enough time for any preparation, Clark could only lift a single hand in a half hearted wave the moment they entered the cave.

 

“Uh, hi there.”

 

He pretended he couldn’t hear the muffled laughter emanating from the speakers.

 

“Holy crap, you’re really here!” It was the one wearing the dark bodysuit with the emblem of a blue bird engraved on his chest, similarly positioned to Superman’s own crest.

 

Clark blinked in surprise, not expecting the enthusiastic reply nor the offered hand he received upon his lame excuse of a greeting. He nevertheless shook hands with the, apparently, friendlier of the two. 

 

“Yes, you must be Nightwing? I’ve heard about you, you’re originally from Bludhaven aren’t you?”

 

Nightwing chuckled and shook his head.

 

“Actually I’m… well I was originally trained here in Gotham. Had to spread my wings after leaving the nest.”

 

Clark isn’t sure how to interpret Nightwing’s tone. The man obviously had a fondness for Gotham, otherwise he wouldn’t be here to protect her while Batman was unavailable. But at the same time, the man seem… not exactly pained to be here. Maybe, wistful? Clark decided not to pry.

 

The other one, dressed similarly to his partner in a black suit but donned a tan jacket, kept his arms folded along his chest, right over a red bat symbol. Clark doesn’t know what to make of the gun holsters on his waist. Nor the way he kept glancing between the duck still in Clark’s arms and his face. Clark automatically placed his other hand over on top the animal’s back protectively.

 

This seemed to amuse the man.

 

“Hey Oracle, you didn’t tell him a single thing huh?”

 

There was a moment of silence. And then a groan from Nightwing.

 

“Seriously, Oracle? You had all this time-you tested him didn’t you?”

 

“Well…”

 

“... Oracle.

 

“Hey, don’t take that tone with me! You know it was for everyone’s own good, no matter what B wrote in his files about the guy later on. And stop looking at him like that Red, he’s good, guaranteed.”

 

Wait what? Clark’s interest was definitely piqued. What could Bruce have possibly written about? Something positive, most likely from the way Oracle was describing. He wanted to ask. But, again, there was something much more important to be focusing on.

 

“Yeah sure, like that’s never changed before.” ‘Red’ snorted but didn’t make any more aggressive gestures.

 

“Anyway, now that everyone is here we can explain what happened.”

 

This was it. Clark felt both dread and excitement at finally being able to know. Two months. Two whole months of assurances from Alfred but without a single word from Bruce himself.

 

Nightwing cleared his throat, stepping up.

 

“Two months ago I got a call from B about needing my help on a mission. Can’t tell you what it is, top secret don’t ask, kay?” Nightwing sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck before continuing, “You can probably guess I was more than a little surprised. Batman admitting he needed help? And to me? After-well anyway I agreed and headed right on over. Can’t tell you what the mission was, but… I can tell you it involved magic. Like a whole ton of magic.”

 

Superman blinked. Magic…?

 

“Like Harry Potter?”

 

“Exactly like Harry Potter… well ok more like He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named more specifically, but you get the point.”

 

Clark winced. Yeah that sounded real bad.

 

“Yup, exactly my face when it happened.”

 

“Not mine, I couldn’t get up off the floor from laughing. I don’t think anything else in my current lifetime can top that.” ‘Red’ piped up, a wide grin on his face.

 

“Don’t remind me, I wasn’t sure whether to be scared for your sake or ours when you began to actually cry from laughing so hard.”

 

The shudder Nightwing had in response to Oracle’s words only backed up that claim.

 

Clark cleared his throat, hoping they would continue.

 

“Oh right! Sorry, anyway uh… turns out things were gonna go south pretty quick cause of a mess up in intel.”

 

“Whoa, wait you messed up the intel? This is the first I’m hearing of this!” ‘Red’ glanced over to the Oracle dubbed ‘Bat Computer’, eyebrow raised.

 

“Excuse you, I wasn’t the one who was gathering intel. I was busy at the time, B used one of his back up sources instead. The nerve of you, assuming I would ever!”

 

“My bad.” Red shrugged nonchalantly.

 

Clark bit his lip, praying to anything out there to give him strength. He really didn’t want to shout at them to hurry up with the story. He wanted to know what happened to Bruce. Why he wasn’t here to tell Clark himself. But these people are Bruce’s allies. His partners outside of the League and Clark had to respect that. He couldn’t be rude.

 

Nightwing caught his eyes, seeing the pleading in them he smiled apologetically.

 

“So uh, about B… well the good news is that we made it out alive!”

 

Clark waited.

 

“But uh… not before B got tagged. Thankfully it was from one of the lower apprentice magicians and I’m sure the guy’s spell is actually supposed to have done something else entirely… although my latin is pretty rough, I’m sure I heard ‘intestines’ in there somewhere…” Nightwing became thoughtful after this, a far away look on his face.

 

“Maybe he mispronounced ‘corkscrew’” Red was grinning again but Nightwing merely rolled his eyes in return.

 

Clark took one deep breath to calm himself. He was careful not to freeze the other occupants in the room when he exhaled. Even if he was very sorely tempted to.

 

“Guys, the main topic. Come on, Supes looks like he’s gonna break something. And honestly? I wouldn’t blame him.”

 

“Right, right! Sorry! So after B got hit by the spell, there was a lot of smoke and I ran back to… well honestly I didn’t know what the hell to expect. Magic is seriously something else, you never know what you’ll end up having to hack off at the end of the day. Uh,” Nightwing coughed, as if remembering something really disgusting, “Anyway when I got back to Batman’s location, he uh… he was… well…”

 

Nightwing glanced over to Superman. More specifically to his chest.

 

Clark narrowed his eyes in confusion, looking down at the peacefully sleeping duck nestled safely in his arms. Did the duck have something to do with Bruce’s disappearance? 

 

“What is it? Did the magic swap this guy with Batman?”

 

Nightwing coughed again, looking to the side.

 

“Not… exactly.”

 

Clark was… very confused.

 

“Then what happened? Was there no trace of him afterwards?” Superman was instantly seized with panic. What would he do if Batman was in the hands of the enemy right now? What if he had been for two whole months?! The man was resilient, he wouldn’t break even under torture, Clark knew this. But Bruce was only a man. And humans were both amazingly strong and so incredibly fragile at the same time.

 

“Uh…”

 

“Superman, you asked us where Bruce is and well… let’s just say, Bruce is definitely in this room with you guys right now.”

 

Clark blinked.

 

What?

 

But… Clark had been listening every single moment. He had not heard the sound of Bruce’s heartbeat once during his conversation with Oracle, Nightwing and Red. No one else was in the room with them. Clark glanced at the one sleeping on his chest and frowned again in confusion. Nightwing had said that Bruce hadn’t switched with the duck. But he had looked at the duck with clear intent during his recount of what had happened to Batman.

 

Almost as if the duck had a major part to play in all this. But what role would this duck have that coincides with Bruce’s disappearance if the enemy hadn’t-Wait a minute. Wait a goddamn minute.

 

Clark stared at the sleeping duck in his arms, eyes widening by the second. 

 

“Oracle.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You are absolutely, one hundred percent certain that Bruce Wayne is in this room with us right at this very moment?”

 

“Sure as can be. Oh I think he’s finally getting it.”

 

“...”

 

“Yup.” Nightwing winced in sympathy, “I made that face too.”

 

Clark opened his mouth. Closed it. Opened. Closed.

 

“No I think his face definitely trumped yours when you brought him back and Zatanna told us what happened to B.”

 

There was a squeak. Clark realized it came from him. From his inability to comprehend what these people, these allies/partners/trusted circle of Batman’s were trying to explain to him. It was… it was absurd. So far fetched. Was he getting pranked? Because… because to put it into words. It was… It was-

 

“They turned Bruce into a duck?!”

 

Apparently not as difficult as he imagined.

 

“Technically his breed is called the Saxony duck.”

 

A voice from the top of the stairs has everyone whipping their heads towards it. There stood a young man, donned in a red suit. Another one of Batman’s inner circles. But all Clark could do was turn his eyes back to the bird in his arms. To Bruce in his arms. And wow… that thought would have been hysterical if Clark could laugh at this moment.

 

What in the world?!

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-