Work Text:
Calum: Guys!!! I'm home!!!
Luke: Gee, I would've never guessed even though you texted us five minutes ago saying you were almost home.
Ashton: Awe, Lukey. Are you still mad about what happened earlier today?
Calum: Wot?!
Calum: What happened?!?!
Luke: The world plays cruel jokes on innocent people, you know that?
Ashton: Baby, based off of that blow job I received this morning, you are anything but innocent. *winking emoji*
Luke: Nobody asked you, Ashton.
Calum: Actually, I asked the both of you. And where's Michael?
Luke: Don't know, don't care.
Ashton: Luke got scolded at by a fire marshall, Cal. It was hilarious.
Luke: Dude!!!
Ashton: I'm sorry, baby. But he did ask.
Calum: Um, I also asked if you knew where Michael was.
Ashton: No. Now go look for him already.
Calum: I doubt he's gonna be in our house, Ash.
Luke: He's probably out getting arrested again.
Calum: That was three times, Lucas. You act like it happens often.
Ashton: If it's happened three times, it's probably considered often.
Calum: What?!
Luke: Thank you, Ashton.
Calum: Come on, he's not getting arrested.
Ashton: And how could you be so sure?"
Calum: He's trying to get in good with my mother so he could marry me in the future.
Luke: You two are finally starting to discuss marriage?!?!
Calum: We're young. This is an appropriate time.
Ashton: After over five years of actually dating.
Luke: And over a decade of friendship.
Michael: Ok, first of all, I'm not getting arrested. Second, Cal-culator!!! I missed you!!!
Calum: I missed you too, baby!!! Where are you?!?!
Michael: ... out...
Luke: Ooh, he ain't even being honest with you.
Michael: Shut up, Luke. I can't tell him what I'm doing.
Ashton: Keeping secrets, too? Tsk tsk.
Michael: Shut up, Ash. This has nothing to do with you!
Ashton: My boyfriend, my problem.
Luke: Yeah!
Luke: Hey!!!
Calum: Haha! He just called you a problem, Luke!
Luke: Oh, ok. Now I know.
Luke: Now I know.
Ashton: Awe, Lukey, you know I luff you!!!
Luke: Says the man who called me a problem!!!
Ashton: Awe, Lukey!!!
Luke: Don't you 'Lukey' me!!!
Ashton: To be fair, you nearly burned my kitchen down.
Michael: Doing what?!?!
Ashton: Making toast.
Luke: You aren't getting your daily cuddles, then. I'm going home!!!
Calum: Where your brothers could make fun of your penguin walk again?
Luke: Uh, excuse me?!?!
Michael: Come on. You remember that night a week, or so, ago when you came home from the cinema?
Calum: Who fucked you anyway?
Michael: Cal-cium... sweetie... do you not remember when I took Luke's phone that night after he fell asleep?
Calum: No, because you fucked me on his bedroom floor.
Luke: You took my phone?!?!
Michael: Well, Ashton asked him to a movie.
Calum: Um, I still don't- ohhhhh.
Michael: Uh-huh.
Luke: You took my phone!!!
Luke: And he was great.
Ashton: Um, I am great, Lucas.
Luke: Yeahyeahyeah world's greatest fuck. Can we get back to Michael's invasion of my privacy now?!?!
Calum: Haha no. And I'm pretty sure Michael is better.
Luke: No... no.... no..... no...... I can't believe you took my phone.
Ashton: No. I think I'm better.
Luke: I haven't even been fucked by Michael and I still know Ashton's better.
Michael: If you're implying that I should fuck you and Ashton should fuck Cal-ico, I'm not interested. No offense, but you're not my type.
Michael: Your selfies could use some work, Luke.
Luke: I wasn't implying that at all!!!
Luke: and Ashton adores my selfies!!!
Ashton: Yes, I do. And what is your type, anyway?
Michael: Nice bum, great legs, cute face, good hair...
Ashton: You just described Luke perfectly!
Calum: Is there something I should know about? I'm getting jealous here!
Luke: Ew.
Michael: You didn't even let me finish. Rude.
Michael: Anyway, nice bum, great legs, cute face, good hair, being Calum Hood, sense of humor, good cuddler, tattoos, being Calum Hood, strong legs, being Calum Hood, someone whose actually attracted to me, being Calum Hood, being Calum Hood, and being Calum Hood.
Calum: Awe! Baby I love you!
Michael: Love you too, Cal-amari!!!
Ashton: Did you just call him a squid?
Luke: Yes, he did.
Ashton: That should be offensive.
Calum: He means well, so I don't care.
Michael: Thanks for defending me and my nicknames, Cal-ender.
Luke: ... you should stop with the nicknames.
Michael: Nah, I'm good.
Calum: I happen to love my many nicknames. Even if they don't make any sense.
Ashton: Neither of us make any sense.
Luke: By that logic, Calum likes all of us. *excited emoji*
Calum: It's a good thing you're pretty...
Michael: But not as pretty as Calum.
Ashton: Are you calling my baby dumb?
Calum: Well I'm not calling him Albert Einstein.
Michael: I'd take that as a compliment. The guy's, like, old.
Luke: The guy's, like, DEAD.
Michael: ... really?
Ashton: Lord help us. I can't be with you people anymore. Except for you, Luke.
Luke: Ash. I'm supposed to be going home.
Calum: Why?
Luke: ... I don't remember.
Luke: I think it was something he said.
Luke: Oh well. Make room on your bed, Ashy.
Michael: Ew. It's only cute when Calum and I cuddle.
Calum: I can't cuddle you when you aren't here.
Michael: I'm almost there, chill your tits.
Calum: You know I get impatient, Michael.
Michael: Then I'll just have to spank the impatience right out of you.
Luke:
Ashton:
Calum:
Calum: Get over here right now.