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Dean had once read that there was only so much a human mind could take, that sure there were differences, some people were harder cored than others but in the end everyone had their limits. Living their lives as they had, Dean was sure that many other people would have long since cracked, cracked beyond repair.
He had pushed through, together with Sam he had always pushed on, no matter what had happened, no matter whom they had lost among the way they had always found a reason to keep on going forward. Even when they had lost each other. There had always been something.
Dean had believed in many things over the years that had given him the strength to just find some way to move on and not get buried alive by the mess stacking up inside of him. Almost all of those points to center on he had lost over the years. Heaven, Angels, God. His Dad. His Mum. Bobby. Lisa and Ben. So many times he had recentered himself, found another corner of himself that hadn't yet been entirely tainted black and too damaged.
Until now.
Until God himself had taken from Dean what had been the core of his very being, the core of everything he had built himself up in the last decade and more.
Team Free Will.
Named so long ago, named in rebellion against Heaven itself.
Named in rebellion against Michael and his blind faith in destiny.
Named that because Dean had always been the greatest in pissing people and creatures off.
Ten years later he learned that none of it had maybe ever been real.
Just a character in a story, just a puppet on strings for a God who was bored more times than he spent truly caring for humanity. For so long Dean had felt sorry for the guy, sons like Lucifer, Michael and Raphael, everyone would have ended up making a disappearance act there, but he had thought that Chuck at least loved humanity. Instead he found out that they were all just toys, just ant farms for Chuck to play with until he got bored and wanted to start over.
Just like he had now, because Dean hadn't been able to bring his story to the end by sacrificing Jack to the greater good. There had not been kindness left in Chuck as he had killed Jack, and Dean had felt something big inside of him die right alongside with the kid.
Two weeks he had managed to ignore the gaping wound inside of himself as they battled their way back to the bunker. Two weeks he had managed to stick his head up and fight in a team that no longer had a name.
How could there be Team Free Will when they had never ever truly had it?
It had crashed over him last night then in the bunker as he had wandered along the corridors in his insomnia, Cas and Sam both long gone to bed. He had walked past the room with the destroyed Malak box, none of them had found the energy yet to clean up. He had stopped and then turned around to step into it, thinking about the things that Michael had said in his deep contempt for his father.
To think now that Michael had been right.
Both of them even.
The psychopath whom Dean had said yes to, and the annoying prick whom he hadn't said yes to. Both of them had been so right and it fucking hurt to think about. Everything they had ever done had been for nothing, everyone they had ever lost had sacrificed themselves or died for nothing.
Every victory, small or big, undone.
Just like that.
Their lives' purpose, just eradicated with the snap of a finger. Their legacy, their... everything, the very essence of who they were. It had all been for nothing.
And that had been Dean's breaking point.
--
"I'm too old to start again."
It had slipped out.
Like hiccups.
Totally on accident and without him being able to do anything against it.
After a night of endless crying and drowning in just bottomless exhaustion that went far beyond just being physical, Dean had somehow managed to drag himself out of his room and join his brother and best friend in the library where they were shuffling cases. Hunters were expected to turn up soon, there was work to do and they knew best what to expect now.
Because they had been there before.
"What?" Sam wanted to know as he set down the newspaper prints that hinted towards Bloody Mary, Cas looked over from where he was looking at least three cases involving ghouls that acted in a pattern that Dean was painfully familiar with – especially one of them that looked like a clear repeat of how they had once found out about Adam. "You're too old to start what again?"
"This," Dean croaked out, all that crying and biting back sobs to not wake anyone up had made a number on his voice, "all of this. I can't do this anymore."
"Dean..."
"I can't do this all over again, Sam." Dean insisted because there was something ugly crawling around his head since last night and he felt laid bare for all to see. Judging by the shock growing in his brother's eyes, he was seeing it, too. Cas calmly set his research down, dark circles were under his eyes, despite retiring for bed every night since they had returned to the bunker Cas hadn't slept a single hour since Jack had died, even with depleted grace levels.
Dean was so worried about all of them.
"I can't gank all of these monsters again, not all over again. Not when every single step on that path means I will have to remember everyone we ever lost. Tell me that you look at those ghoul traces and don't think of Adam. Tell you look at those hellhound sightings and don't think of Eileen and Ellen and Jo." He tugged his shaking hands away from the table top but Sam followed the movement, brows furrowed. Dean looked away from him and caught Cas' eyes instead. "And we don't even know just how many locks Chuck threw away. What if it's not just the little ones? What if he opened Purgatory as well? What if he opened the Cage? Guys, I can't do this anymore."
"Dean, if the Cage was opened we would have known by now." Cas tried to find some comfort for him but Dean shook his head.
"You don't know that. We don't know anything anymore. He undid everything we ever did, every salt and burn, every monster killed, what would stop him from bringing back the real bad ones, too? I don't..." He couldn't finish, last night he had broken out in cold sweats just thinking about Michael, about Yellow Eyes. About Alistair. And now even the thought of talking about it made his heart go crazy, his pulse skyrocketed and Cas was standing up just as Dean closed his eyes against the pain shooting up his chest.
A hand got set upon his shoulder and Cas definitely meant well but it only made Dean think even more of Hell.
"I can't do this again. I can't rebell again against everything they throw at us. I don't have the strength left to not say yes to Michael, or go with Alistair again." He got it all out in a rush when it overwhelmed him, he needed it to get out even though every cell of his very being was screaming against it. "I can't fight this again." And then Sam was there crouching down at his side, a hand reaching out to squeeze his knew and ground him back down. "I can't go back there but I don't have the strength to say no."
"Hey," Sam interrupted him when Dean was just bubbling on, "you're not alone. You don't have to face any of that alone if it comes down to it. Let me carry that burden. You still believe in us, don't you?" Dean looked up, looked into the haunted but also still determined eyes of his little brother and nodded, them, this family they had, it was the last thing Dean was still able to cling to. "Alright, so let us be strong for you again. We can do this, Dean, we just need to go one step at a time. We have allies now that we didn't have back then. We are not facing this alone."
"God left us, Sammy. He left this whole world."
"But we're still here. And I'm in no mood to let him win. As long as this world has us, it's not going down. And as long as we are here, we will keep each other standing."
Dean looked at his brother's eyes, glanced over to see Cas' careful little smile, and maybe with their help he would find one last spark again, too.
He couldn't let the monsters win.
He was a hunter.
He was a Winchester.