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“There’s something I’m still not understanding.”
Crowley gave a muffling questioning “mmf” sound as he kissed down Aziraphale’s chest.
“Why did you leave me a note?”
Crowley froze. “I – I didn’t leave you a note.”
Aziraphale picked up his head to look at the demon properly. “You did, though.”
“I left my plants a note.”
“Crowley – ”
“I did, I even addressed it and everything!”
“Stop it. Just stop.”
For the second time, Crowley was foisted up from his angel, which he did, begrudgingly, with a pout. “It’s nothing, Angel, really.” But he gave a snarl when Aziraphale, too, sat up. The look in Aziraphale’s eyes was definitely not allowing any escape on the subject. “Can’t I just … kiss it better?”
Aziraphale sighed and took Crowley’s hands. “I was very worried about you, my dear. I didn’t think… I didn’t know what happened, or how long you’d be gone.” Crowley winced. “I’m sorry, of course I’m glad you’re safe, but I need to talk about this. You disappeared after we… Well, after,” and the blush already told Crowley exactly what he needed to know was going through Aziraphale’s mind.
“I didn’t mean to, I was getting up to make you breakfast.”
Aziraphale smiled, “I would have liked that,” and he let out a wretched breath. “When we stopped Armageddon, since then, I’ve been… Well, I’ve been worried that we really are on our own and if I lost you… I don’t know what I’d do.”
Crowley groaned and took his hands back to run them through his hair. “It’s –”
“It’s not nothing,” Aziraphale said, exasperated. “If it were nothing, why leave a note in the first place?”
Crowley thought about all the ways he could spin this. About playing a hard-to-get game of the truth and feelings. There was a desperate part of him that wanted to do that. The demon part of me, he thought, darkly. He shook his head and tried to think of something to say that wouldn’t hurt Aziraphale. Anything. Literally, anything else, other than the truth which … he realized a little too immediately was the thing he had to say.
He took a breath, and then another, and then stopped moving. “I was scared.” He finally said.
“Of Gabriel? Did he hurt you?”
Crowley shook his head, a sad smile playing on his lips. “I was scared you’d – you’d leave.. You’d go back.” Crowley folded his arms in on himself, and watched as Aziraphale’s face went from confusion to tacit understanding. “You were always such a poster boy for Heaven.” The words kept coming now, unbidden, and he wished he could just shut up. “I don’t think you ever truly saw yourself, y’know, not when you were really banging that drum to heaven’s beat.” He sniffed. “You were always so loyal to the right path, but sometimes you wanted Heaven to be that right path. I watched, time and time again, as your own side disappointed you. But you still, no matter what, stayed with heaven for so long and, well and Gabriel said… Well, he made it sound like I was a…” Crowley stood up and started looking around. “It really doesn’t matter!”
Aziraphale let him, but watched him carefully. “It matters to me.” he said, quietly. “What did he say about you?”
Crowley found his jeans and shimmied into them with demonic skill. “That I was a distraction.” He found his shirt and pulled it on with a little too much force. “That, ya know, as soon as I was gone, you’d... You’d go back …” Tossing around some other books and things, he found his jacket, “Y’know, back to them. That I didn’t – that you didn’t care enough to stay here if I wasn’t around to – if we weren’t –”
“And you didn’t trust me to stay. So, you left a note.” Aziraphale closed his eyes as that especially nasty penny dropped. “Because, if I thought you were coming back, I wouldn’t leave and I’d deny them.”
Crowley had turned away from Aziraphale and was clutching his glasses so hard, he was amazed that they didn’t break. “You’ve – I had no reason to –”
“You have every reason!” Aziraphale was suddenly angry, punching the bed. Crowley turned around, startled. “I’m here, I’ve been here. Crowley, I’ve not gone anywhere – I’m not going anywhere!”
Crowley’s rage bubbled in his gut, and he wasn’t entirely sure why. “Yes, well, I know that now!” he spat.
“You’ve always known that!” Aziraphale stood, gracelessly, and came to stand in front of him. “How long have you known me?”
“Not longer than Gabriel!”
As soon as he said the words, Crowley knew he’d said the wrong thing. Aziraphale’s eyes were a light with fury. “How dare you!?” He said, but he cradled his stomach as if he’d been punched. “You think he knows me better than you?”
“Aziraphale –”
“How could anyone know me better than you!” Aziraphale backed up, until he was braced against the bed, but he didn’t sit, so much as sag to one side. “No one in all of creation knows me like you do, Crowley! You’ve got me, whether you like it or not. I’m all yours!”
“That isn’t why I –”
“Then why?” he said, but it was an accusation. It was like he knew it was coming. “Were you testing me, is that it?”
“No, but you have never understood that I –”
“You what?”
“I need you so much more than you need me!” he shouted. As soon as he said it, his hand clamped over his mouth.
Aziraphale looked in a bad way. “And what, exactly, do you think I’ve needed.”
“You always had so much more support, so I –”
“Support? You call that support?” Aziraphale was attempting to straighten up, his next words were to the ceiling. “Gabriel wouldn’t know how to support anyone if he was Mother Bloody Teresa! Or, who then, Michael? That cold celestial nobody? Sandalphon then, oh of course, so much tender love from that angel!” and it was a bad word when he said it. “You know, Mr. look-at-me-the-wrong-way-and-you-might-get-assaulted!” Aziraphale put his head in his hands. “You’re all I’ve had for so long, and now you’re all have left, you idiot!”
Crowley stood stock still during the whole tirade. Once the angel was done, they stayed in the quiet, only their panting breaths signs of life. He tried to be angry, but he couldn’t help it…
“Stop it, stop. I’m very cross with you, serpent.” He said, still red in the face.
“I’m sorry, I just –” Crowley was laughing so hard he was crying. “I was, I was an idiot. I’m sorry for all of it.”
“Damn right, you’re sorry,” Aziraphale sputtered. He finally did lean back, but his eyes were closed, and he still clutched his middle. Aziraphale chewed on his cheek. “Well, it’s all gone completely backwards,” he blurted out.
“Completely pear shaped!” Crowley crashed down at Aziraphale’s feet. “I really am, you know, sorry. I should have trusted you to make the right choice.”
“Really? With what proof? I never gave you any faith in me, did I?” Aziraphale snarked, but when he smiled, it wasn’t happy. He laughed, darkly. “I hadn’t realized how much I’ve closed you off, my dear. I’m sorry, too. I should never have given you cause to doubt. To think you can’t trust me.”
Crowley’s face broke into a smile, but he was also sobbing so hard he couldn’t speak. Aziraphale hushed him and gathered him up in his arms. They apologized and cried, kissing all the while.