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He would always be a shadow.
His Grandmaster had chastised him for not mastering a specific cryomancy skill that his older brother had known for years, even before Kuai Liang was his age.
“Bi-Han is a model student! You should be more like him if you want to be any good.”
Kuai Liang was very angry about the comment, but he kept it hidden. He would only be in more trouble if he showed his emotions, especially anger, to his Grandmaster. He remained stoic, apologized for his actions, and retreated to his chambers upon his Grandmaster’s orders, to stay until he “figured it out”.
Once there, he ripped off every piece of his armor and tossed it to the side in rage. His pieces did not break—he was more careful than that—but they bounced off the floor with loud sounds. Once it was all off, he sat on his mat and crossed his legs, closing his eyes as he attempted to calm himself of his anger through meditation.
But he could not.
He sat until the sun went down, until a lantern was the only thing keeping the room from being dark, and then Bi-Han entered the chambers, sweating from training and carrying two bowls from dinner. Kuai Liang opened his eyes and looked at him briefly and turned back to the wall, his eyes remaining open. “Bi-Han.”
“Kuai Liang.” Bi-Han sat across from his brother on his own mat and passed a bowl towards his brother. “The Grandmaster wanted me to bring your food.”
Kuai Liang took it, eyeing the vegetable soup with a frown. He put the bowl on the floor next to his mat as Bi-Han began to sip on his. “Not hungry,” he said.
Bi-Han looked over at him with furrowed brows, but he did not question him. The brothers sat in silence as the older ate, and Kuai Liang continued to sit and meditate, but his anger remained. If anything, it was stronger.
“Grandmaster told me about your training today.”
Kuai Liang’s eyes shot open. Bi-Han’s bowl was empty, and he had his full attention on his younger brother. Kuai Liang looked down at the floor, avoiding eye contact. “He did?”
Bi-Han rose from his mat and walked across the room. He settled down next to his brother and looked towards him. “He said you appeared upset. Is that why you have been meditating? To control your anger?”
Kuai Liang nodded without a word, continuing to look at the floor, and Bi-Han sighed. “He wants the best of you, you know that?”
Kuai Liang scowled at the floor. “It does not feel like it at times.”
“Kuai Liang, you know he cares.”
“He cares about you and your skills. That is all.” He drew his knees to his chest and rested his chin on them. “He does not care for me.”
Bi-Han put a hand on his back. “Grandmaster was not specific. Tell me what happened today.”
Kuai Liang sighed and finally looked up at his brother. “We have been training to make ice weapons lately. You did it long ago.”
Bi-Han smiled faintly. “It is difficult. How did that go?”
“Poorly.” Kuai Liang frowned and turned back to the floor. “I made a sword, but it shattered the moment I swung it to spar. Everyone else had made a very strong ice weapon, and Grandmaster was very displeased with me.” He closed his eyes with a deep sigh. “He said that you had mastered it when you were my age. I should know how to do it by now. I should…”
He stopped, and his body went stiff. He felt tears forming behind his eyelids, and panic flooded him. He despised crying in front of his older brother more than anything in the world. Bi-Han never cried. Kuai Liang should not cry either.
“Continue, brother.”
Kuai Liang kept his eyes closed. “...I should be more like you if I want to be any good.”
He turned his whole face away then. He could feel his eyes release some tears. He didn’t want his brother to see. “I will never be as good as you, Bi-Han. I am your shadow, always behind, always beneath you. I am too weak, too emotional, too unskilled to even compare.”
Bi-Han’s hand on his back moved in small circles across his skin. Kuai Liang did not stop. “You will always be better than me. Nothing I do will ever be enough. I am unworthy to be Lin Kuei. I shame them. I shame you .”
He felt himself jump as a sob escaped, and he cursed at himself. “You do not want me as a brother.”
It was then that Bi-Han got up from the mat and moved to Kuai Liang’s front. He planted two hands on his shoulders and shook him gently, and Kuai Liang looked him in the eye. “I am sorry,” Kuai Liang said. He gasped for air as he cried harder. “I am sorry.”
Bi-Han pulled his brother towards him in an embrace. He planted a hand on the top of his head, running his fingers through his hair. “Never say that, brother,” he said softly. “Never, ever say that. It is untrue.”
Kuai Liang struggled against his hold for a brief moment, but he gave up. He collapsed into sobs in his brother’s shoulder, muttering apology after apology to him. Bi-Han did not speak, but he continued to mess with his hair and hold him tightly. Kuai Liang felt comforted, but he was also very embarrassed.
He should have been stronger.
After a while, Bi-Han pushed Kuai Liang off of his chest and held him at arm's length by his shoulders. “Why would you ever believe those things, brother?” he asked.
Kuai Liang sniffled and wiped his face free of tears. “I always mess up… I-I can never do the things that you can do as quick as you. Grandmaster favors you and does not see me as a good warrior.” He turned his face away from Bi-Han, more tears falling from his eyes. “I worry I will never be what you are. What if… What if I cannot honor the Lin Kuei as you have?”
“Kuai Liang…” Bi-Han put a hand on his brother’s chin and turned his face towards him. “None of that is true. Not a single bit of it.” He wiped the tears off of his face with a gentle smile. “You are still very young. You are the youngest person learning about ice weapons right now. Grandmaster is pushing you because he sees that potential in you, just like he did me.”
He lowered his hand from his brother’s chin. “I was even younger than you when I first learned. Grandmaster strongly believed I could handle it. I could not.” Bi-Han sighed. “I was your age when I finally got it down. That is why he has started you now. He thinks you can handle it.”
Kuai Liang’s eyes widened. “He does?”
“Told me himself. He sees great things in you, even if his words do not reflect that.” Bi-Han smiled at him. “And I do too. I know you have lots of potential.” His smile faded, and his expression turned serious. “I do not want you to say that you are too weak or emotional or unskilled to be a good warrior. You are very strong, very, very skilled. Watching you spar brings me great pride. You win just about every time, despite being very young. You impress me every day.”
He squeezed his shoulder. “And being emotional… it is not always a bad thing. Yes, you are more emotional than anyone here. But that means you also have a bigger heart than anyone here.” He poked Kuai Liang’s chest. “You are loyal. You care so deeply about everyone here and about your training. That makes you a better warrior. You have an advantage no one else has.”
Bi-Han sighed. “You are very worthy of being Lin Kuei. You do not shame anyone… myself included.” He leaned down so he was eye-level with Kuai Liang. “You are the best brother I could ever ask for. I grow more and more proud of you every day. I love you so much. You know that?”
Kuai Liang nodded, his eyes welling, and Bi-Han chuckled at him. “You should. You are everything to me. I do not want you to feel less of yourself. You will get to be at my level one day. Maybe even better.”
Kuai Liang wiped his eyes and nodded again. “I dream of it.”
Bi-Han grinned. “Good.” He picked up his bowl and passed it to him. “Eat your dinner. I will help you with ice weaponry when you are done, if you wish.”
Kuai Liang took the bowl with a surprised expression. “You mean it?”
Bi-Han settled next to his brother and nodded, ruffling his hair. “Of course. You have to impress the Grandmaster.”
Kuai Liang sipped on his soup, his mood improved, feeling loved.