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Sehun used to dream of marrying when he was a kid. Marrying was something so big to him that even though he was just a kid, he often dreamt of it, telling those dreams to his mama with a warm smile on his lips. He used to believe in love, too. Love was the most important and biggest thing in the entire world. He'd thought no one would live without love. Loving something or someone was needed. And whenever he witnessed his parents looking at each other with love in their eyes, he had always wished he would find the love that their parents have, or had back in the days. Because Little Sehun didn't really know anything about what was going to happen in time. Nor did he know about all the secrets that his parents kept from him. Yeah, he'd believed in love till the day their parents decided to divorce. What a stupid kid he was, thinking that love would never end. He had always thought that this love between his parents would never end. But apparently, this love between his parents actually never existed and his father was cheating on his mother secretly for nearly three years. And Sehun was seven years old that time. Seven fucking years old. He didn't realize what his father did was wrong until he turned eleven and then, he finally came to the conclusion that there was no love. There was no trust. There was no need for a relationship when even the unproblematic ones eventually ended up going their separate ways.
He'd hated that thing called love . He'd hated seeing couple all being lovey dovey. He'd hated being in a relationship, so he always ignored everyone who showed a little affection towards him and made sure not to hook up twice with the people he sticked around. He, indeed, hated hooking up though, those were just for the fun and he realized later he didn't like that kind of things anymore. He didn't want to lead anyone, nor did he want to break their heart. He didn’t want to make the terrible mistake his dad did.
Sehun had once promised himself that he would never fall in love with someone and kept his promise thoroughly until he attended to college life. Well, unfortunately, neither people nor his beloved mother actually never warned him about the cutest thing called Byun Baekhyun. He'd kept his promise until he met Byun Baekhyun. After that enchanted moment, his already-fucked-up-life turned tragically upside down because of one particular guy. He began to reconsider what was love one day without even realizing. Unconsciously. Reconsider what was love to him. The meaning behind it. It hold too much weight.
However, Byun Baekhyun was cute —the cutest boy he'd ever met indeed, and Sehun still thinks he is the cutest thing in the world. Sehun's first impression was literally how cute Byun Baekhyun was. (He heatedly babbled about it for two weeks to his best friend and thought of it, too, most of the nights when it was too hard to sleep.) In addition to Baekhyun's cuteness, he was devastatingly handsome, and (much to Sehun's surprise) beautiful at the same time, charming, stunning, warm-hearted, friendly and funny. Whenever Sehun saw him, he was always smiling, making silly jokes. It was impossible not to laugh like a little kid when you were around him. He would always make sure everyone was happy. If one of his friends was feeling down, he'd talk with them about what was bothering them. Providing solutions to their problem. Therefore, he was loved by everyone. Because there was so many things to love about him.
So, it was really really easy to be friends with him. It was easy to like him. He was such a likeable person that it was impossible not to like him. And it was so easy to chat with him. He would talk and talk for hours without getting bored, and without making you get bored, continually find a new topic. It was easy for Sehun to let him into his life. Moreover, it had never been easy to fall in love with someone for Sehun, yet he fell— he fell hard. Like, really hard. Falling in love with Byun Baekhyun was incredibly easy that Sehun couldn't even remember when did this happen. All he knew was one morning he woke up and realized he was fucking in love with Byun Baekhyun. The Byun Baekhyun who was loved by all, who was always able to make Sehun smile bigger , who was flirting with everyone he knew just because he could. Sehun thought, knew , he had no chance with him. And he definitely didn't make a plan to fall in love with him or someone else but unfortunately, you did not know when love would come and greet you.
After four months of falling head over heels with him, Sehun had thought giving up and moving on over and over again. He had a feeling that love would not be good for him. However, when one warm spring night, him and Baekhyun were hanging out in Sehun's dorm room, watching some boring sci-fiction movie, Baekhyun leaned in, so slowly. After a bit, Sehun felt a soft pair of lips on his, kissing him gently. Baekhyun's lips felt nice, nothing had felt like this before. Sure, he had kissed and did all the other things every teenager did in his life but no one's kiss had felt that good in that moment. Byun Baekhyun was an exception. Byun Baekhyun has been always an exception and Sehun knew it from the very start. Sehun, for the first time in his whole life, wanted to do those coupley things that he'd hated some time ago with Baekhyun. He wanted to make him feel good and special. He wanted to cuddle up every chance they got. He wanted to kiss his small nose, pink lips, beautiful moles, mochi cheeks. He wanted to pepper his face with kisses every day. He wanted to stay with him, forever. So yeah, Byun Baekhyun surely was and is an exception. Because he was Sehun's first love, he was Sehun's only love to be honest. Byun Baekhyun was his one and only, though he never got a chance to know this. And perhaps he still doesn't know this little secret of Sehun's. If perchance he had known this, he would have stayed.
But he chose to go . Baekhyun chose to go after two and a half fucking years of dating because he couldn't stand him and his childish behaviours anymore. He couldn't bear to stay. He couldn't stand his stupid jealousy. He had every right to go. Sehun never blamed him for his decision.
He, in fact, blamed himself for everything.
He didn't have any right to meddle in his life. Who did he think he was, not letting him hang out with his friends as if he had a right to limit his freedom. Even his parents did never say a word about his decisions whereas Sehun refused to let him hang out with his friends like he was Baekhyun's something. He would never become a something in Baekhyun's life. He was nothing.
He felt nothing when Baekhyun snapped at him that day.
"You can be my boyfriend, hell, you can even be the love of my life but that doesn't mean you have rights to limit my freedom." he had said, brows frowned. He always hated being limited. They were fighting, shouting at each other. They'd been arguing over the last weeks but never like this. This fight was the biggest, heated. Sehun got jealous a lot from the start till that day because of him but this time he felt like he was going to explode. He actually did know why he was acting like that yet he tried, he tried his best to trust someone wholly . Yeah, it was so easy to fall in love with him but it wasn't easy to just trust him wholly. Part of him was always suspecting, even when there was no need to doubt Baekhyun since he made sure he said 'I love you' several times. Still, that was Oh Sehun. Oh Sehun who knew barely anything about love yet tried to love someone. Oh Sehun who didn't believe in love just because his parents' love life was bullshit. Oh Sehun who always doubted everything and failed to trust someone else. Oh Sehun who will never find the happiness due to his stupidity.
Oh Sehun who ruins everything.
"Then, go."
It was the last and worst thing Sehun had ever said to his lover when he opened his fucking mouth. He didn't want to say that, ever. He had wished he could take what he said back. But those words easily slipped out of his mouth, voice firm, not shaky. He said that without taking a breath. He said that without thinking. Without even blinking.
He still can't forget the look on Baekhyun's face. Disappointment was clear on his beautiful face. Hurt. Sadness. All bad emotions were there, all bad emotions which Sehun didn't ever want to see. He had caused this mess.
"You know what?" Baekhyun had said after four minutes of silence, voice shaking unlike Sehun's. Sehun couldn't look into his watery eyes. "I don't think I can do this anymore. I'm so tired, Sehun, I'm so fucking tired of our fights over stupid things. I'm so tired of your trust issues. You don't even trust your boyfriend and I still don't know how to fix this because you never let me in. I know your father cheated on your mother and I'm pretty sure your mother didn't deserve this kind of shit but you should accept the fact that not everyone is like your father, Sehun. I tried to change your perspective multiple times but you don't want to be changed. Then, maybe we should break up so you can find the right person to rely on. It seems that I'm not the right person since you have no zero faith in me. Trust someone else whom you believe that would never cheat on you. And don't you ever forget, I would never cheat on you. I hope you'll find happiness someday. Goodbye."
And, he's gone like that. The hardest part was watching his lover walk away. Ever since he left, Sehun's life has been worse. Surely, he doesn't find happiness, nor the right person when most of his friends are in a beautiful relationships and start thinking about marrying. Six months ago, his childhood friend got married and Sehun had to attend the wedding on his own. He's been single for four years. Well, yeah, he's been single since Baekhyun broke up with him. He's gave up on love, again. What a loser he is. While most of his friends make plans for their weddings, he makes plans for what kind of present he should buy for Vivi's upcoming birthday. He adopted Vivi after breaking up with Baekhyun because he doesn't want to admit but he couldn't stand sleeping alone. If he hadn't been such a prideful person, he would have gone to Baekhyun's door after the second night. He would have told him that how much he loved and cherished him, that he would do anything to make him get back to him. But he's gone. He's gone and Sehun deserved it.
Still he thinks about what the other said during that heated fight. His words were harsh, made him vulnerable. But Sehun's words were silly, offensive too. They were reckless, careless, young and wild. Didn't want to just stop and think about the consequences of their behaviors or words. They were living the moment. Now, Sehun is 26 years old, soon he'll be turn 27. Single, father of a lovely dog, can't living his life that he always dreamed of due to his tiring job. He thinks of his every action before making them real, doesn't want to make the same mistake again. Doesn't want to make the same mistake as he did when he was with Baekhyun.
Everyone thinks Sehun perfectly got over Baekhyun and moved on while he secretly stalks his social media accounts most lonely nights. Meanwhile, Baekhyun's life has been better since he broke up with him. He has a job he always dreamed of, living his life freely , hanging out with his new and old friends. He even dated someone —he hears that from Chanyeol and is not sure if they are still together because he can't find the courage to ask questions related to Baekhyun. Chanyeol would spontaneously give him news about Baekhyun when they're chatting and Sehun would act as if he doesn't care although listens to him very well.
Just like this time.
"Apparently, Baekhyun and his boyfriend broke up one year ago and I just learned this two hours ago Sehun. Can you believe, I invited his non-boyfriend to my wedding and asked how things were going! I'm such a horrible friend, I don't even know whether my friend is single or not, oh god." says Chanyeol, rolling his eyes dramatically. Sehun stops what he's doing for a second and tries to embrace the new information, then continues to help him after a while. "Uh, is he... is he coming tonight? I didn't know about this." And that was true, Sehun didn't know about this until Chanyeol started babbling due to his nervousness.
When he hears Sehun, he shoots him an apologetic look. "I'm sorry I couldn't find the time to tell you, I was so busy with that wedding thing. Is that okay if he—" Sehun breaks in and assures him while shrugging his shoulders as if he doesn't care at all. "That's okay with me, don't worry."
But Chanyeol doesn't seem to be persuaded, looking at him with those uncertain eyes as though the moment Sehun sees Baekhyun, he would immediately start a new fight. Because, of course, everyone thinks Sehun is still mad at him when all Sehun think is how stupid he was to let someone like Baekhyun go. He blames himself, not him. The person who has to be angry should be Baekhyun. Not Sehun.
"I swear to god if you two ruin our wedding, I'll kill you both." Chanyeol threatens, voice and eyes as cold as ice, still unsure of the idea them being together in the same room for hours. He clearly remembers the day the two broke up, Baekhyun's face was very red and Chanyeol wasn't able to stop Sehun from punching walls for nearly two hours. They avoided each other in the following days, even broke the contact of their mutual friends not to bump into each other. They have never said a word to each other since then. This is why Chanyeol scares, you should give him all rights, and today is his wedding day! The biggest day of his life.
"Stop talking nonsense, Yeol. We were young back then. Now we're old enough not to fight." Sehun reassures and hopes with his heart that Baekhyun would think like this too. He doesn't know what to do if Baekhyun starts screaming or cursing at him the moment he sees him after four years. He probably would feel bad, really bad. He doesn't think he can look into his eyes if he reminds him of that shitty day. Or worse, what if he tells him those same things? No, no, Baekhyun would never do that to him. Sehun is so sure of this even if he hasn't talked with him for four years.
"Fine, we'll see tonight. Just please don't open old wounds and maybe you could try to be friends again. I'm not sure of the last one but you two have changed, there's has to be so many things to talk." he winks at Sehun, going back to the grooms' room to control if Jongin has a problem. There's still two hours left for the wedding to start. The grooms' best friends should be start appearing in a hour, though. Sehun came very early since he is both of the grooms' best friend and one of their groomsman. Sehun has been friends with them since forever, been always beside them whenever they need him. The two met through his birthday party. There wouldn't be 'them' if Sehun hadn't been born. So yeah, they should be thankful for Sehun's existence.
"I can't wait to eat that giant wedding cake." Junmyeon says as he re-enters the room, fixing his necktie. He doesn't look any different from the days Sehun's seen, in one of his black and super clean suits. Hair jellied, made meticulously. He looks very handsome as always. And hungry. "Tell me the truth hyung, you came here for the wedding cake only." Sehun giggles, he knows very well that Junmyeon never manages to stop himself feeling hungry. Just like Baekhyun. Baekhyun would always feel hungry even if he eats the whole world. God. Why does he always relate every damn thing to Baekhyun and why does every damn thing Baekhyun did rush into his mind? He fucking hates this. It's been four years but he still thinks about his ex constantly like a loser. He is a loser, though. He'll never get over Baekhyun for sure.
He really doesn't know what to do or how to react when he sees Baekhyun in real life for the first time since their break up.
"Maybe I came for the wedding cake only. What about it?" he says in a sarcastic voice and tries to muss up Sehun's hair but Sehun catches him before he does. He wouldn't let Junmyeon muss up his hair, no, he greatly worked hard on his hair. He literally stood in front of his mirror for two hours to make his hair perfect shape. So nobody can ruin his hair. At least, not until Baekhyun sees him. Afterwards, anyone can do whatever they want.
"Anyways, Chanyeol just went to Jongin and I'm pretty sure he's stressing him out with his big mouth. So you should better keep him away from Jongin." Sehun points at the grooms' room with a heavy sigh, Chanyeol whining about the possibilities of the things might go wrong during the wedding. What if he falls in front of everyone's eyes or what if he forgets his speech even though he's repeated it for the nth time...
"Okaaay, you go with Jongdae and meet the guests, help them to find their seat. I'll keep Chanyeol busy." Junmyeon replies before disappearing, leaving Sehun alone. Sehun decides to obey his words and goes to Jongdae, greeting him. They begin standing at the entrance door along with Chanyeol and Jongin's sisters.
Just like he expected, the grooms' friends and colleagues start appearing later on. Jongdae and Sehun take them to their table, chatted a little bit. Everyone tells of how excited they are and they cannot wait to see the grooms. Sehun feels the same, he cannot wait to see his friends walking down the aisle, smiling at each other and probably crying ugly while they're saying their vows. Chanyeol would certainly burst out crying when Jongin appears at the head of the aisle.
"Oh, fuck. Byun Baekhyun is coming towards us. Just please don't try to punch him on his face 'cause he looks daamn handsome."
Sehun almost forgets the little problem he'll eventually face until Jongdae reminds him with his loud voice, poking at him violently. Jongdae looks very terrified as if he'll be the one who's gonna greeting his ex-boyfriend. His ex whom he haven't contacted in years. Sehun freezes in his place, realizes the situation, and he can't find the strength to turn his head and look at him. He doesn't look at Baekhyun. Not even giving him a slight glance.
But he hears his soft voice clearly, happily greeting Chanyeol and Jongin's sisters. Sehun couldn't find the strength to look at him till it was Baekhyun's turn to greet him and Jongdae. When he finally —after four bitterly years—looks at Baekhyun, he gasps. Gasps for breath. Because Jongdae was right, he was fucking right and Baekhyun looks daamn handsome. He looks gorgeous. Shining. The memories of their past pours into his mind, abruptly, like a lightning flash.
He's once acknowledged Baekhyun was beautiful and will be always stay beautiful as he is. Now he looks at him fully, from his top to bottom, observing his twinkled eyes, his glowing cheeks and stunning smile which can make Sehun drop to his knees at any time. He does know he's right when he accepted the fact that Baekhyun would never get ugly years ago.
Baekhyun's still so breathtakingly and devastatingly beautiful. He has light brown hair now, cheeks got a little chubbier since he last saw him but he's still in a perfect form. He fucking glows, especially when he flashes him a smile— fuck, what? Did he really smile at Sehun or was it just a dream?
"Hey, Sehun." Fuck. He's really smiling at him, the warmest smile Sehun has ever received. He's looking into Sehun's eyes directly. Without a frown, without a sadness. Without a disappointment. But in a friendly way. Amicably. Sincerely and truly. He's not avoiding Sehun's eyes as he did four years ago. He is the one talking with Sehun.
And that was the first thing he said to Sehun after four years. Hey, Sehun.
"It's nice to see you again." He adds when he realized Sehun wasn't going to say something. Sehun looks astonished to see him even though he knows Baekhyun's coming tonight too. Meanwhile, Baekhyun trying not to show how his hands are trembling from seeing the presence of Sehun. He feels like nothing has changed nor happened between them. As though they are still the Baekhyun and Sehun who love teasing one another or their friends. It is an awkward moment because neither of them know what to do.
"H-Hey..." Sehun clears his throat and shoots him a bright smile. The brightest smile. "You look nice." He looks fucking pretty, not just a simple 'nice'. And what was he thinking when he opened his big mouth and said what came to his mind?
Baekhyun chuckles with a sweet blush on his cheeks. "You too. Thanks for the compliment, Sehunnie." After that he just reaches out and pulls him into a tight hug. Although he hugged the others besides him, Sehun feels joyful when he wraps his hands around him after years of yearning for his hug. He's missed this hug, this feeling. He's really missed that feeling of Baekhyun's warm body against his chest, just feeling him between his arms. They say old habits die hard and Sehun has never agreed with something in his entire life.
He literally said 'Sehunnie', then he hugged. That was enough. For now, at least.
"I can't believe what I just saw." Jongdae comments when they break the hug with a shy smile on their lips. He's looking at them in disbelief, still concerned about them standing so close to each other in case they start a fight. He already looks ready to break up the potential fight.
"Shut up, Dae." Baekhyun murmurs before Jongdae can say something else. "Which one of you will lead me to my seat?" asks afterwards, voice flirty.
"I can." Sehun immediately takes a step towards him and declares loudly, leaving Jongdae shocked. "Come with me." he leads Baekhyun to inside, entering the wedding room together. He knows where Baekhyun's table is, he'll be together with Kyungsoo, Minseok and Yixing. Also, Baekhyun will be sitting two tables away from Sehun. They will be so close to each other. Sehun will be able to see him easily. The closest they will be since their break up.
"Thank you." Baekhyun says kindly once Sehun shows his seat, voice polite and soft. Looking into his eyes gratefully as he settles down on his seat. Sehun just smiles at him, feeling his heart getting warm just from a simple thank you. That familiar feeling every time he sees or thinks of Baekhyun.
"You're welcome." He was about to reluctantly going back to Jongdae when he heard Baekhyun calling out his name. He stops his movements and holds his breath as he turns his head back to him. Baekhyun looks as if he wants to say something but he's not sure either. Sehun has known this look. He'll tell him what he wants to say eventually, so he waits for him. And just like he thought, Baekhyun spills what he has got on his mind after a minute.
"Can we— Can we talk a little bit after the wedding?" He asks, he requests. Sehun had a small hard time believing what he just heard. He had never imagined nor he thought Baekhyun would say this in their first encounter. They haven't talked in years. Not even said hi to each other, nor made an eye contact. Sehun had glanced at him secretly, though. But never directly. Always subtle.
So he nods in no time, excitement clear on his face. "Sure, I'll be waiting for you." With that, he finally makes his leave. Leaving a blissed Baekhyun behind him but of course he doesn't know that. He couldn't look back. Because if he did, he would be running towards him right away.
However, he can wait until the end of the wedding. He should wait. Yeah, he hopes that he can manage to do it without a misfortune.
❀❀❀
The wedding went nice, beautiful and without any fuss. Chanyeol burst out crying when he saw Jongin walking down the the aisle as everyone expected and couldn't stop his tears until Jongin soothed him, stroking his cheeks. Sehun took the video of Chanyeol crying ugly, took every second of it with an evil smirk on his lips, he will definitely show that video to everyone he knows. Though he nearly cried during the moment them saying their vows, he managed to hold his tears. Watching them felt like watching your own child got married to his biggest love. He was incredibly happy for them. He wished them the best. The bestest. And when he unintentionally looked at the direction of Baekhyun's presence, he wished himself the best too.
After everyone collected themselves and ate a whole slice of that yummy wedding cake, the real party started. The party was wild, everyone blew off some steam and stress. Sehun drank a whole bottle of soju since he had a high tolerance, danced wildly with Jongdae, Minseok and Yixing. Baekhyun joined them at one point and their old gang shot them worried looks, trying to detract from each other in case of a fight but didn't succeed in that plan. In addition to their plan, they kept annoyingly and constantly checking up on them to see if they were doing okay.
And they were okay, surprisingly. At least they didn't start a fight or make a mess except dancing drunkenly together. Baekhyun clinging onto Sehun while Sehun trying to make him drink a glass of soju, flashing shy smiles at each other. They looked like they were in their college years. Except they were not dating this time.
"You guys don't have a problem with each other now, am I right?" Kyungsoo had asked when he caught Sehun alone, pouring himself a glass of soju. Sehun remembers himself nodding, smiling widely. "We're adults now, don't worry about us."
And he remembers Minseok asking worriedly Baekhyun if he was okay with that so close to Sehun. He saw Baekhyun nodding his head, telling him what Sehun had said to Kyungsoo —and all the other people had asked the same question through the night.
Towards the ending of Chanyeol and Jongin's wedding, Sehun finally started to feel tipsy and realized his eyes wandering around to find Byun Baekhyun. Well, he found him eventually. He found him looking right at him. With his flushed cheeks. With so much confidence.
He then said with his eyes that 'we should talk outside' and gestured Sehun to follow him. Sehun follows him after he gathers himself and prepares himself for everything. Prepare for everything he's about to hear from Baekhyun's pretty voice. He doesn't really know what he's going to hear but he hopes it's not those things that would break his heart into pieces. The night went well, so what Baekhyun's going to say should not be that bad, right?
"Missed you," is the first thing that comes out of Baekhyun's mouth when they sit on a bank near the wedding place. Sehun doesn't breathe for a minute and feels his eyes widen but his expression softens quickly, he then puts a small smile on his lips. "I've missed you, too." he admits. The truth is Sehun has always missed Baekhyun. Always. He never stopped missing him.
"How have you been?" Baekhyun asks kindly as he's staring at Sehun's face, watching him carefully like he doesn't want to forget every little detail of his face. Or he just wants to make sure nothing has changed since he last saw him. He's still just as handsome as he was four years ago. Flawless. But more manly now.
Sehun shrugs before he starts to speak. "I don't know... Good, maybe? But not too good. Not too bad, either." He doesn't know what to say at this point. He doesn't think, either. "All I've done is miss you." He admits without thinking. He doesn't want to hide his fucking secrets from Baekhyun anymore. He doesn't want to hide what he feels from Baekhyun anymore. Sehun has had enough. He wants nothing but be honest. He should've been honest in the first place, not running away like a coward.
He won't running away like a coward this time.
"Sehun.." Baekhyun whispers, eyes soften. "I'm sorry. I actually came here to apologize... I was stupid back then. I shouldn't have said those stupid things, I actually didn't mean to say but anger took control over my body and in the end, we broke apart. I'm sorry for everything I said that day. I regretted for leaving you behind like that. You— Fuck, we didn't deserve this. I just want us to be good friends again."
Sehun doesn't know when he stopped breathing during Baekhyun's intimate apology, but he continues breathing after he finished his talk. He's not sure if he hears him right, though, because his mind feels so dizzy. Seems like the bottle of soju he drank starts to show its effect right now. What a wrong time for the alcohol to start to act. This is literally not a right time for his mind to fuck things up.
"It's... It's okay, Baek. You're not the only one who should apologize, though. I'm sorry for everything to be honest. I-I had never wanted us to break apart. I loved you. Really. I swear to god I really loved you so much." He stops, hesitates for a moment. He's not sure if he should say this, but fuck it, he maybe won't have a chance to say this in the future. And he doesn't want to regret again. "I've always loved you." So he tells him. Tells him wholeheartedly. Genuinely.
Baekhyun doesn't say anything for a while. He just stares into Sehun's probably watery eyes. Sehun can't say what Baekhyun thinks or feels right now. It's okay if he doesn't say the same thing, though. Sehun doesn't care about that. Sehun didn't say that just because he wanted to hear the same thing in return. He just wanted to confess. He needed it.
"And likely, I'll always lo—" Baekhyun interrupts him by wrapping his hands around him and pulls him in a hug. "You're drunk. Let's take you home, Sehun. We'll talk again when you're sober."
Sehun attempts to object but Baekhyun shuts him before he says anything else. "Shh, we're good. I'll take you home." Sehun doesn't remember anything after that. Baekhyun must have carried him to his car and helped him sit on the passenger seat. He virtually remembers Baekhyun asking his address and himself mumbling meaningless things yet he's sure that he didn't give his address. He instead demands Baekhyun to take him home. His home. He doesn't want to leave his side. Not right now, not again. He doesn't need that.
"You're still stubborn as hell." Baekhyun chuckles.
Afterwards, Sehun allows himself to drift off to sleep with a smile. Knowing that Baekhyun won't leave him, at least for now. Knowing Baekhyun driving to his own house. Knowing Baekhyun is still here right beside him.
When he reluctantly opens his eyes after probably an hour, he sees Baekhyun's trying to carry him to his house with his hands holding his body tightly and carefully. He knows he's heavy and Baekhyun's trying his best but sweating slightly, so he begins walking on his own with Baekhyun's help. They take the elevator, Baekhyun's hands never leaving his waist until they enter safely into his apartment. Baekhyun then takes Sehun to his bedroom without complaining for still helping him walk on his own, setting him down on his bed gently and afterwards, he makes sure he's all right by studying Sehun's breathing. He seems to be okay. So he lets him rest peacefully.
"Don't go," Sehun murmurs later as he notices Baekhyun begins walking around his room. Once he hears Sehun talking in a low voice, Baekhyun immediately turns his head towards him and explains with a smile. Even though his room is dark, Sehun is able to see his bright smile. "I'm just changing my clothes, silly. I'm not going anywhere."
He watches silently Baekhyun undressing himself and barely see any part of his naked body in the dark room, just waiting for him to change into his comfy pajamas.
"Let's sleep together. I can't sleep alone." Sehun eventually breaks the heavy silence. And frankly, Sehun is telling the truth. He really cannot sleep alone. He needs Baekhyun's warm body next to him so that he can sleep in peace.
"I don't know if we—" Sehun cuts him off, whining loudly. "Pleaseeee. We'll just sleep. I promise."
Baekhyun sighs before holding out his clean and comfy clothes to Sehun, he curls up in his bed when Sehun takes the clothes from his hand, mouthing a little thank you. Sehun undresses himself quickly with Baekhyun's help again and only puts Baekhyun's t-shirt on, making Baekhyun groan in annoyance. "You really haven't changed, right? You're still sleeping with a t-shirt only."
Sehun scoffs. "I'm still sleeping naked, though. I just didn't want to make you feel hot, you should thank me." Baekhyun laughs loudly at his statement. "Is that so? You will be the one who's gonna feel hot when I hug you in my sleep, Oh Sehun."
"I feel hot even when I look at you, so you don't have to do anything about that." He truthfully says, grinning widely. He still loves teasing the other. God, there's just so much things about him that he loves. And that he'll always love.
Now they're on their sides facing each other, there's not so much space between them, between their faces. Sehun can easily feel Baekhyun's warm breath against his face, his warm breath feels like a wind on a hot summer night, kissing his face. He realizes five minutes after looking at Baekhyun that watching him is so mesmerizing as his hazy eyes wandering over Baekhyun's sleepy face over and over again. Watching Baekhyun has been always mesmerizing. He didn't have an idea how much he missed this, watching him, up till now. He's fucking missed watching him when they were in bed. He's missed watching him sleep. But right now, Baekhyun is, too , looking right at him. His hands tucked under his chin, breathing heavily. He looks goddamn dreamy, Sehun thinks, he should tell how beautiful he is some time.
"You know, I lied when I said that you looked nice." Sehun starts talking in a low voice. Baekhyun lifts a brow at his statement. "You didn't just look nice. You look pretty, you should know this."
"Oh my god, Sehun, stop!" Baekhyun burst out laughing while he shakes his head in disbelief. "Stop it and sleep, oh god."
"What? Can't I say the truth?" Sehun continues teasing him, enjoying Baekhyun's reactions. "You look pretty and I still want nothing but to kiss you."
With that, Baekhyun's smile disappears from his beautiful face. "Sehun... You know we can't. We can't do this right now. Not when you're drunk, not until we completely make up our minds or not until I make sure we're ready for this again. I have to make sure you're ready to trust me."
"I'm not drunk." Sehun grunts.
"You proposed me in the car."
"Perhaps I'm drunk but it doesn't change the fact that I still wanna kiss you and marry you." He scoots closer to him in the bed, Baekhyun doesn't move from where he's laying. He only stares at him, smiling faintly. "We should sleep or you'll be the death of me." Then he turns around, his back facing Sehun but of course, Sehun doesn't let him run away like that. He wraps his hands around Baekhyun's waist gently, pulling him closer. Baekhyun doesn't protest. He lets Sehun spoon him, feeling warm. His hug feels so fucking familiar.
It's that familiar warm. That familiar feeling.
"Good night," Sehun murmurs as he buries his head in Baekhyun's neck. He would kiss him there but he decides to not push his limits any further. "'Night, Sehunnie." Love you left unsaid. Left unforgotten. But it will be said, Sehun thinks, stroking Baekhyun's belly softly.
"It's always been you." He whispers in Baekhyun's ear before he closes his eyes. He doesn't know if Baekhyun hears it or he's awake. It doesn't matter actually, he feels like telling. "I've always loved you. Only you."
His mother had told him one time that he should keep the person who makes him think they're the best thing that's ever happened to him in his life. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me , she'd added to the end of her sentence, squeezing his face softly. So, he won't let Baekhyun — his 'best thing that's ever happened to him'— go one more time and will hold on to his mother's precious advice.
And if Sehun had resisted the urge to sleep just a little bit, he would've felt Baekhyun interlocking their fingers. He would've known Baekhyun heard him and thought the same, too.
❀❀❀
It's been so, so long since Sehun woke up to Baekhyun's peaceful face. It's really been so long since Sehun woke up next to him. At first, he thought he was in a dream. The most beautiful dream 'cause Baekhyun looks heavenly beautiful when he's asleep, mouth slightly parted and snoring softly just like a puppy. Yet the sounds he makes are soothing, making Sehun feel relaxed and cozy. It feels like going back to the old times. He especially missed this most, waking up next to the love of his life sleeping cutely.
So he gratefully enjoys watching his ex boyfriend sleep peacefully right next to him, listening to his tiny puppy whinings. After a couple of minutes Sehun couldn't resist the urge to touch him, feel him and he just reaches out, carefully. Then he begins to trace Baekhyun's face with his fingertips softly for fear of waking him up. His skin feels so so soft under his light touches that Sehun wants to scream how good it feels. He could feel his warmth radiating off of him. It feels really good to feel him again. Sehun still has a hard time believing all of these.
As he strokes Baekhyun's face lightly, careful not to wake him up, his fingertips brush off his parted lips undeliberately. He suddenly wonders what would like to kiss those lips again, after four hellish years? What would like to feel those soft lips against his? Sehun only wonders, he desperately wonders and he wouldn't do something about that because he remembers vividly Baekhyun declining his offer, telling him that they can't do it right now, that he has to wait until tomorrow morning. There's still so much to talk.
He still has to prove him that he trusts. And, Sehun does trust Baekhyun. Wholly. With his every cell in his body. He could swear on his life. He just need to show his feelings to Baekhyun once he wakes up. That's it.
And well, he could watch him sleep all day but Baekhyun starts waking up, stretching slightly and yawns. He's greeted by a smiling Sehun when he finally manages to open his puffy eyes. "Oh," Baekhyun seems like he's shocked for a minute, then a small smile slightly appears on his lips as he probably remembers everything. "Good morning. Did you sleep well last night?"
"Well, you kicked my butt twice and I had to hold you by your waist to stop but then you started to rut—" Baekhyun cuts him off, cheeks flushed and eyes crescented as he smiles embarrassedly. "Do I reminder you that you suddenly started to kiss my neck in the dead of the night? No, then shut your mouth up or—"
"Or what? Would you shut me up by kissing? Oh, I'd really love that." Sehun says in a teasing way, grins at him cheekily as Baekhyun's eyes widen, looking at him in disbelief. Sehun hasn't changed one little bit since then. He's still the shameless boy Baekhyun met and knew. He still flirts with him awfully, teases him, tries seducing him. Okay, maybe he's not deliberately seducing him but it's just one look from Sehun and boom! Baekhyun would feel giddy like a horny teenager boy.
"I'd shut you up by punching your mouth, idiot."
"Ooh, now I get it. You wanna punch my mouth so that you can soothe me afterwards with your magical lips, right? Baek, no need for such things, you can kiss me any time. You don't even need to ask."
Baekhyun groans and puts his hands on his face to hide his flushed cheeks from Sehun, rolling around in the bed. "Sehun, fuck , you really need to shut up before I kick you out of my bed."
Sehun can't help laughing and reaching out to ruffle his hair up, gaining a whine from Baekhyun in return. Although Baekhyun tries so hard to maintain a serious face, he ends up laughing with Sehun in the end, gladly letting him mess his hair up 'cause he fucking missed Sehun playing with his hair. Sehun enjoys running his fingers through Baekhyun's fluffy bed hair, it makes his heart do weird things, and he does know what his heart is trying to say but Sehun shuts it down. For now. Because there's no need for his heart or mind to remind him of his undying love for Baekhyun. He knows. He's always known. And if Baekhyun looks at him, he could know that too.
"Let's get you something to eat."
Although he doesn't want to pull away from Sehun, he does get up and try to calm his heart 'cause it beats too loudly. He knows fully his body, his heart and even his mind missed him so much that they don't want to waste a bit time without seeing him. Without feeling his warmth. He hasn't realized how much he loved Sehun until now. How much all of him missed Sehun that they react to his every little movement or touch. He hasn't realized until now, that even after four years of not seeing each other, every part of him still reacts so strongly to him. And yeah, he, indeed, admits he's yearned for him most of the time they were apart. 'Cause nobody has touched him like the way Sehun touched him. Nobody has held him the way Sehun did. Nobody's kiss has ever felt as good as his. Yet, he tried to forget about him because he thought Sehun would find someone better than him. Because he thought Sehun didn't love him anymore.
But he now finds out that Sehun does love him. Sehun hasn't stopped loving. He himself admitted that last night. Even though he confessed when he was little more than tipsy, Baekhyun has believed him. All that remains now that he needs to know they can start a relationship again. He needs to know if they can make it again. But without repeating the same mistake they made four years ago.
"Before we go to the kitchen let me ask you a quick question. Would you still kiss me even if I have a bad morning breath?"
Baekhyun rolls his eyes at Sehun's silly question and realizes by the serious look on his face, he's not even trying to be funny or tease him, he's really serious about that. God, he should know the obvious answer.
"Ew, you're gross." Baekhyun makes a wry face. "I'd definitely kiss you anyway." He doesn't wait for Sehun's reaction and runs directly to the kitchen. Losing another chance to kiss Baekhyun, Sehun grunts in defeat, rolling around the bed for a while while thinking how good it would feel to kiss him after years. He understands, though. He truly understands why Baekhyun still pulls himself back whenever he senses their moment becoming too intimate. Perhaps he's afraid. He's afraid of making those silly mistakes they did four years ago. He needs some time to get used to Sehun coming into his life again and telling him that he hasn't stopped loving him. It might felt too much to take immediately. Sehun will make sure showing Baekhyun that he cares and understands. And, he will try to give Baekhyun all space he needs. He's not the same Sehun anymore. He's not the same Sehun who is afraid of trusting someone. Especially not the one he loves most.
Thus, he stays in bed until he gets bored and smells pancakes. Pancakes are one of the things Baekhyun is really good at making. He knows very well that Sehun's in love with sweet things, especially his pancakes. At least, Sehun thinks, he still remembers what Sehun loves. It makes him feel special somehow. Baekhyun cares about him even after your years. Sehun doesn't know how fast he gets up from Baekhyun's comfy bed and finds Baekhyun in his kitchen with an apron around his waist. Seeing Baekhyun in his kitchen making pancakes for Sehun makes him feel like they're a married couple for a second. God knows how much Sehun wished it would be real. He quietly starts to watch Baekhyun going back and forth in the kitchen while humming a song softly. He was so focused on his work that he doesn't realize Sehun standing at the door until Sehun begins to talk.
"It smells like heaven." Sehun finally quits watching and enters the kitchen with a soft expression on his face, shooting Baekhyun a smile once their eyes meet. Baekhyun gives him the warmest smile he's ever seen in return, a blush spreads across his cheeks. "They'll be ready in a few minutes. You can start eating if you're too hungry, I don't mind."
"No, it's fine. I can wait." Sehun shrugs as he settles down in a chair. Baekhyun makes a noise of understanding and returns his work. Sehun continues watching him with a satisfied smile despite feeling a little bit anxious. He knows they will start talking one way or another.
So he decides to initiate their upcoming talking.
"I was scared." Sehun admits, voice loud and steady. Baekhyun turns his head to look at him in confusion, trying to understand the situation as Sehun suddenly starts to talk without looking into his eyes. He looks very nervous when he continues to speak. "I was scared to love you."
Baekhyun immediately understands what Sehun is trying to say, what he wants to trying to tell. He doesn't say anything as Sehun finally finds the courage to look into his warm eyes.
"I was so scared to love someone back then, you know. I always avoided love. Always pulled myself back. Tried to stay away from love 'cause I was so fucking afraid to experience the things that happened between my parents. Whenever I thought about love, the images of my mother explaining what cause them to divorce would come to my mind and it would make me just stop and step back. The thing called love was scaring the shit out of me. How silly it was, wasn't it? But then I met you." A wide smile appears on Sehun's face. He just wants to reach out and hug the smaller one. "It was so easy to fall in love with you that I couldn't believe when this happened. As if God put you in my life to make fun of me, to make me realize how stupid I was. Too stupid to stay away from love, or loving someone, while loving you has never felt as good as something else in my entire life. Even though I was too deep in love, I was still scared to love and trust you completely. Something would always prevent me from trusting you utterly. Then we started to fight a lot because of my inherent distrust. After every fight night I couldn't help remembering the memories of my parents fighting, shouting at each other and that horrible similarity sickened me, Baek. I knew you would eventually give up and leave me some day. I knew it from the start. And believe me, I've never blamed you for leaving. You had every right to go. I'm aware that things had went very wrong in the past yet I still want to try again. I'm not the same Sehun anymore as you can see. I believe in us this time. I believe in us that we can work things out again when we're together. But I'll understand if you don't think the same thing. I'll respect your decision."
Baekhyun has been silent since Sehun started to pour his heart out. He didn't think Sehun would be the first one to start their talking. So he was astonishted by Sehun's sincere words throughout his talk. He knew Sehun had experienced awful things when he was just a kid and it of course affected him and his life badly. But its effects went too far away now, he is ready to trust Baekhyun with all of his heart. And this time, they won't repeat the past.
Baekhyun breathes heavily, doesn't know how to begin talking like Sehun did, it's harder than he thought. Putting your thoughts into words is really harder than he thought. He wants to say 'yes'. Yes, I agree with you, we can work things out again because I do believe in us this time too. There is nothing we can't do when we're together, having each other.
"I know, Sehun." He starts talking yet there's nothing in his mind as he opens his mouth to continue. "I know... But we need to take it slow this time. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes we made in the first place. We'll take it slow, okay?"
Sehun nods his head frantically, eyes watery and a sweet smile spreads across his face. He didn't say no, nor did he reject. He gave them a chance. One more chance. After all things that they'd faced and years of not seeing each other, they finally made it. Sehun finally told him the things that has been eating him up. He's proud of himself. He's proud of himself because he not only got the courage to tell those things but got Baekhyun back.
"Okay, okay. We'll take it slow. But... Can I kiss you at least? I mean, I do think I deserve an innocent kiss."
Baekhyun makes a face and shakes his head in disbelief. "No, Sehun, we'll take it very very slow. Really slow." The disappointment is clear on Sehun's face. He looks like a lost puppy, doesn't know what to do. Baekhyun has to bite his lips not to show his amusement. He clearly enjoys as he watches Sehun nod his head and turn his back to him. He can't help wrapping his hands around Sehun's waist and hugging him from behind, not letting Sehun move at all.
"I'm just kidding. Of course you can kiss me. I've waited years for this, silly." He plants a kiss on his broad shoulder following it with a bite. Sehun makes a happy sound, resembling a low moan. "You like teasing me, huh?" Sehun turns to face Baekhyun and lets him put his hands on his waist again. "You won't like it when I start to tease for real."
He leans in slowly and Baekhyun automatically closes his eyes as he waits for Sehun to kiss him. But Sehun presses a soft kiss on his cheeks instead of kissing him on the lips. Baekhyun's eyes shoot open, brows furrowed. "Hey! If you do—" Sehun shuts him up by finally pressing his lips on Baekhyun's before he starts squealing.
Baekhyun quickly melts into the kiss, holding onto Sehun like his life depends on it. The kiss is slow at first. Both of them just want to enjoy every bit of it. They taste each other as if it is their first kiss. Sehun can't believe how much he missed those small lips against his. He even missed the softness of his lips. Baekhyun moans lowly into the kiss when Sehun picks him up by the hips and sits him on the counter, settling himself between Baekhyun's legs. They were too busy making out that Baekhyun forgot making pancakes and immediately pushed Sehun when he smelled something burned. "Shit, shit, shit!"
"I'm sorry...." Sehun murmurs apologetically but there's a little smirk on his lips as he watches Baekhyun throwing burnt pancakes into the trash bin. He knows he caused all of this mess for making out with him while leaving pancakes on the pan. Still, Baekhyun looks at him with so love in his eyes as if he didn't cause a mess in his kitchen at all. "It's okay." He shakes his head, then he pulls Sehun down by the neck gently, kissing him full on the lips.
"I love you," Baekhyun admits. He knows it's too early to say this but he can't wait to kiss him and say those three words after every kiss. Deep down he knows, it actually isn’t that early to say those words aloud when he has never stopped loving Sehun, either.
"I don't think that counts as taking very slow but I'll accept it anyways." Sehun says jokingly, reminding him of his own words just to tease him. He gains a punch on his shoulder in return for teasing Baekhyun like that. "You know I love you, right?" Sehun adds and leans in to kiss the mole above his lip, then his cheek mole. Baekhyun hums, enjoying the kisses he receives. He's touched that Sehun still appreciates his moles, giving each of them lovely kisses that makes Baekhyun giggle. Back then, Sehun would make sure he kissed all of his moles when they were making out as he’d wanted to show Baekhyun how beautiful he is , with those adorable moles on his skin.
"Thank you, I love you."
Sehun kisses and kisses and kisses him until Baekhyun's a mess of giggles and someone they don't even know how the hell managed to enter the house without making a sound yells at them out of nowhere. "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?" Kim Minseok looks so shocked when he eyes them suspiciously, clearly saw what was going on and what would have happened if he hadn't interrupted them. Their lips all swollen and hairs a mess. Even if Minseok didn't witness their heated making out session, a glance at their face would tell him what they were doing. He still can't believe what he just witnessed with his pure eyes.
"We're... making out?" Baekhyun mumbles, telling the truth as it is. Sehun confirms him by nodding his head, he has his arm slung around Baekhyun's body in a protective way but he's just showing Minseok that they got back together. "And I was thinking of talking about Sehun because you might need someone to listen to your fucking whining about how much you miss him. I think you guys already solved the problem without my help, so please excuse me. Just keep on making out." A smirk spreads across his face before disappearing from their sight just as silently as he was entering the house. Minseok is still weird, Sehun thinks as he strokes Baekhyun's hand. "He’ll definitely give me a call when his brain absorbs this new information, he's kind of in a shock right now."
"Yeah, I see. Imagine the others' reactions when Minseok tells them." They laugh together at the image of their friends learning the news. Jongdae would be the first one to congratulate them and then he'd tell how they suffered four fucking years and how stupid they were back then but he's glad they finally made it. Baekhyun could hear his whining already now.
"I'm happy," He says after leaning against Sehun's broad shoulders. "God, I'm really happy right now. I don't want it to ever end." His face aches from smiling too much but it's the sweetest ache he's ever had. He is willing to take that ache forever if Sehun is the one who makes it.
"We'll never end." Sehun convinces him. He's so sure of himself this time. They would never end even if they want it. Fate will always make their paths crossed one way or another. But Sehun won't let him go nevertheless. He'll hold him so tightly. "We'll never end." Baekhyun repeats, holding him tightly in response to his hug.
So tightly that nothing can ever snatch them away from each other.