Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

when he returns, he sees what he’s missed.

the sharpness, the solemn curve of nears face that makes lawliet's heart ache, because he knows that he didn’t get to near in time, and it was too late to help. where there was once warm, chubby cheeks and wide eyes that wandered around the room, and a mouth that never stopped asking questions, there is now silence. coldness. the absence of wonder, the loss of excitement. Nate river has been replaced by near, and lawliet knows he’s not coming back.

he has missed the subtle way mello thumbs over matts fingers while their hands intertwined under the table now, the maturity instilled in mello, the shy smile that matt sports. he watches the two study together, bouncing theories off each other. they are 18, barely even adults, yet lawliet has missed watching them grow up.

when L approaches near he sits next to him, picking a puzzle piece into the mess of jigsaw pieces surrounding near. Near looks up at him and nods hello, and lawliet bites his lip to hold down an apology he feels must come out. but the silence and the heaviness that sits in it is thick enough for near to understand the apologies and regrets that paint L’s face, and he smiles weakly, turning back to his puzzle, and lawliet gently places the piece back down onto the floor.

when lawliet talks to mello , mello is kind and mature, showing lawliet his theories and his ideas on the kira case, and the excitement still shines behind his eyes. but he does not yell, he speaks strongly. he does not laugh, he chuckles. he does not get angry, he gets amused.

the angry teen that lawliet use to watch scream and curse at his friends were gone. he was an adult now, he did not crunch cheap corner store chocolate bars, he sips coffee matt presses into his hands and gratefully smiles at him. when was sweet replaced by bitter?

Matt hugs lawliet, and lawliet wipes his eyes quickly before matt notices. the innocent boy who use to beg roger for gummy worms and a later bedtime now reeks of cigarette smoke and has dark circles underneath his goggled eyes. the twitching of his fingers suggests even darker questions lawliet refuses to ask, because god, if this boy was using, lawliet could never forgive himself. a gameboy in his pocket makes loud beeps and noises, but lawliet sees him turn it off once he takes out his books, studying had never come first to matt, at least not before video games.

the three successors. the golden boys. ranked by intelligence, wit, cunningness, they spent every second fighting to be the best, feeling worthless when perfection was not achieved. and now here his third successor sits with him, diligently studying, his personality carved down, his special skills forgotten about.

lawliet stood up, his chair scraping against the floor, and matt looked up. “where are you headed, L?” he asked, his voice rough and deep from what now could be years of nicotine abuse. his eyes shifted emptily around the room, and focused back on matt.

“I'm going to talk to aiber about putting mello on one of his cases.”

and with that, he coughed discreetly to cover up his voice breaking at the end of his sentence, and turned to the door.

—

in all fairness, aiber is usually very good working with others. Even beyond a case, he’s a kind and patient teacher and friend to his co-detectives/criminals.

mello is an exception.

the first case mello ever was invited on was on a smaller case, yet one big enough to catch L’s attention. at the time , mello was 13 and already showing signs of extreme intelligence, and after debating the idea for a few days lawliet relented to letting aiber take mello on it.

to be fair to mello, he didn’t kill anyone or make any incorrect assumptions- the case was solved in a matter of days, swiftly and with little to no incidents. he was smart, made lawliet proud to be the one mello was looking up to. these were the things aiber told lawliet.

what aiber did not tell lawliet, was that mello had the tendency to ask questions. and not just a few questions to clarify a topic, he rather talked as if he’d been locked away for 20 years isolated. Aiber invested in earplugs the majority of the case, after realizing mello usually answered the questions himself by yammering on, but it had slowed down the case exponentially, and pushed an annoyed aiber to his limits.

so when lawliet asked aiber how he felt taking another case with the now 18 year old, he winced as if in pain, but through gritted teeth responded with “definitely!”, and started searching where the closest store he could buy earplugs was. the way aiber looks at it, mello is a little blonde firecracker whos mouth doesn’t ever close. but lawliet loves him and protects him fiercely, and aiber will trust lawliet's judgement until the day he dies.

-

when lawliet enters mello and matt's room, he’s hit by the scent of cigarettes and a hint of weed, and he disapprovingly glares at mello, who’s lying upside down on his bed with his feet on the windowsill, typing on his laptop furiously.

“mello” he says blankly, and the blonde’s eyes darted up to meet his. he sits up and puts his laptop aside, and puts out the joint that was hanging out of the corner of his mouth. rock music blares out of one earbud that hangs out of his pocket, and he quickly pauses it.

“hello lawliet. I hear you’ve got a case for me”.

he nods, sitting down next to mello, wrinkling his nose. “when did you decide to start doing drugs, mello?” he asked, frowning at the now pink cheeked boy. he shrugged and mumbled something, fidgeting with his hands, and then cleared his throat. “the case?” he prompted Lawliet.

“its a sex trafficking circle in Taiwan. they’ve cleared hundreds of children out of small villages, and have an estimated 4 thousand children reported missing. aiber’s plan is intricate and involves a lot of dangerous situations, and a lot of talking. you’ll be fully in the field, and will be apart of a massive sting operation headed by Aiber with your help, and mine. I'm currently working on a case in japan, but will be able to commute there and back throughout my investigation. I was also”- he pauses, trying to read mello’s face. three years ago he’s be shaking with joy, pestering lawliet with questions every time he stopped to breath.

but mello looks slightly curious, politely listening to everything lawliet says. it’s so mature, and unlike him.

“-was also thinking about bringing matt onto this case. He’s good with hacking, he’s good with technology. that will be a large portion of this case, so aiber requested i put matt on it.”

mello looks down with a shy smile.
“it would be nice to work together with him. Matt is very good with tech.”

“agreed. aiber will email you shortly with details and plane tickets. until then i suggest you two pack and figure out amongst yourself how to break to near that i have no cases for him”. lawliet smiles widely, and mello grins.

“he won't like that.”

“well, I give him a case every time I come. it’s unfair to not give you two a chance.”

L pats mello’s shoulder, stands up, and walks to the door, but right before he leaves mello stammers out

“also , uh.. me and uh me and matt are.. we’re .. well we’re uh-“

“involved?” lawliet says , sarcastic undertones seeping through his voice. mello blushes a brilliant red, and nods furiously.

“do you approve?”

there it is. there's the little part of mello that is still the 13 year old boy, screaming at near for getting a better result than him, the boy who whined every time someone else was chosen. the reliance on lawliet's opinion still is there.

“i do. roger, watari and i always knew. its why roger so kindly and subtly put the sex ed pamphlets in your room last year’’.

and with that, lawliet leaves the room chuckling, as mello yells back “ROGER?” incredulously.

-

every step that lawliet takes, the floorboards sigh and creak underneath him. by now many of the children recognize his hunched over figure, and many excitedly whisper as he passes, too nervous to approach him. he gives them a gentle smile, but continues up to roger’s office.

he feels somber. the memories of coming home to mello and matt tugging on his shirt, near curled up in his arms fast asleep as they went for a walk into town, the memories of walking down this hallway himself when he was 6.

for a second, he lets himself reminisce on the day he met a scrawny little boy with messy black hair, and the weirdest name ever. Back to the times when him and a boy named beyond birthday once shared these halls.

--

“stop that right this instant!”

as lawliet curiously looked around the corner, his eyes widen at the wild eyed new student, being chastised by a tired roger. He was holding the disheveled child by his wrist, nearly hanging him off the ground, and he squirms, making whiny noises. He looks like a street urchin, and there's something about the dark look in his eyes that intrigues lawliet.

“Why did you kick adam?’’ roger asks, his expression weary. The boy tugs his arm out of rogers grip,wincing furiously at him. When he speaks, he sounds petulant, his voice as cold as the snow that's piling up outside the windows.

‘’Because he was annoying me.”

Adam, in his high pitched voice, squeaks out “i was just STANDING there!”’ from behind rogers legs, and the boy smirks at him.

“So?’’

“Beyond, this is unacceptable”. Roger sighs, and gestures for adam to leave. He scurries off, leaving the hallway quiet, as roger and beyond stare at each other. Roger is kind but firm as he reprimands beyond, but beyond just looks bored. When roger asks him if he’ll do it again, he says he won’t in the most monotone voice, and even young lawliet knows that its bullshit.

Roger leaves him, and beyond sits on the windowsill, staring out into the snowy yard, and lawliet decides to take some tentative steps towards him. Beyonds head snaps in his direction, and for a second lawliet is filled with fear. The kid looks like he could kill at any second. But instead, he smiles devilishly, and says,

“You should learn to spy better.”

-

Chapter Text

“So lawliet. How have you been?’’

Roger has a kind expression, giving lawliet a gentle touch on the hand, as he curls into his usual fetal sitting position, his arms pulled tightly around his legs. This was something he had stopped doing with age, however around roger and watari, he allowed himself to be calm, comfortable. The two were like his parents growing up,and L let himself be open emotionally with them. Of course, roger and watari were not the only ones he trusted completely, but he didn’t want to think about Rue right now. It hurt his soul far more than he wanted it too. It stirred up emotions that he hadn’t felt in years.

“Do you trust aiber with them?”

He deflects rogers question with a question, his spindly fingers tapping an irregular beat on his knee. Roger adjusts his glasses, and sighs heavily.

“I trust aiber. However, he asked me for some help. He asked me to ask you about something. He said if he asked you, you’d say no”.

“Well what is it?” lawliet's eyebrows furrowed.

“He asked about beyond.”

For a second, he doesn’t speak. He just continues tapping his leg, staring hard down at his hand.Then he clears his throat, and his unsettlingly wide eyes meet rogers, an unreadable expression on his face. “What does he want to know about beyond?’’ he says finally, standing up to pace slowly around the room, his fingers trailing along the length of the window sill. Roger swallows, knowing what will happen next.

“They need his help on this case. They were wondering where he's being kept right now.”

Lawliet stops. His hands are poised, mid drag. His body is frozen in place by rogers words.he opens his mouth to speak, pauses, and closes it. He cannot move, breath. He can only process aibers request. Finally, he speaks, his voice low and unfamiliar.

‘I suppose there's no good reason for me to refuse.”

Roger nods slowly, hesitant. Nobody really knew exactly what happened between B and lawliet, although there were bits and pieces that helped piece the story together, at least partially. All roger knew now however, was that aiber was making a grave mistake, as was lawliet. Letting beyond out, to communicate with mello and matt, was an unfavourable situation.

“I guess I'll go get Watari. It’s a long plane ride for all of us to take.” Lawliet's voice is now darker, a bit throatier than usual. He starts towards the door, but roger calls out to him, stopping him in his tracks.

“You know, L , talking to Watari or I isn’t a sign of weakness.”

He stops, facing away from roger. He swallows hard, and replies, “My life is for me and me only- letting anyone in would be an ultimate failure on my part. I serve one purpose. My demise will not be the result of letting human emotions get the better of me.”

And with that, he leaves the room.

“Watari.”

As the older english scientist sips his tea, he hears lawliet's voice from his doorway, quieter than a whisper, and looks up at the pale boy leaning against his door frame. “Yes, lawliet?’’. His voice has a certain kindness in it, a gentle tone he takes with L only. As Lawliet's only confidant for so many years, he knows how to handle his occasional emotional bursts. He asks, but does not pry. He lets lawliet open up to him on his own terms. Lawliet is not a cold human, and frequently feels deeply for the victims of his cases, yet that's one fact he will bury with his hard facts and truths. He feels deeply, yet does not let it override his logic, and sometimes does the opposite. There is love, and fear, and pain somewhere in a tiny box in his mind where he has condemned it to, banished to a corner where it is coldly imprisoned by his need for control.

“They want me to get beyond for them.”

His voice breaks a little at the end, but he clears his throat and sniffs roughly, sitting down in front of Watari. He stares at the forest out of the large window to his left, focusing hard on the slowly swaying trees. Watari leans back silently, nodding slowly.

“I cannot afford to let my box open up again. I cannot afford to lose control when ultimately, the control was so loosely gripped to begin with. And in front of Mello and Matt, and that idiot Aiber-” he stops for a second, letting out a huff of anger, “-I just can’t.”

Watari nods again, and gives lawliet a moment to continue, but his lips are white and tightly sealed as he bites down hard on his bottom lip, as if he is forbidding himself to speak anymore.. His left hand spasms, and he grabs it with his right hand so hard red nail marks appear when he lets go.

“Do you worry about your emotions taking the betterment of your judgement, or do you fear that Rue will attempt something that will result badly? Mello and matt know nothing of your past. And Aiber, he only saw unexplainable seconds of intimacy he was not suppose to. You threatened him with death for weeks afterwards.Are you really worried about them or yourself?”

Lawliet changes his gaze from the trees to stare hard and Watari’s eyes. His usually emotionless eyes are startlingly wide, and watari is slightly alarmed before lawliet says,

“do you think that I'm a bad person Quillish?”

Lawliet hardly ever uses Watari’s first name. In fact, the last time he can remember him saying is was as a child when he first entered the orphanage. Watari composes himself for a second before responding with, “why do you think that?”.

“You are the only person in the world who sees me as who I am. You are the only person I have confided in, and that has resulted in me showing an unsavoury side of myself on multiple occasions. Do the emotions I feel make me a bad person? Morally, am i good or bad? I feel as if my ethics are corrupt sometimes. “

“Lawliet, you are still a child.”

His voice is strong, and he pauses to put his cup of tea down.

“Emotionally, you were never taught how to cope. For some part, that was on us, and i have regretted this every day. We did not raise you to be human, we raised you to be brilliant. But raising you this way has resulted in you not being able to properly process and understand your complex emotions, and you do not think now that you are normal for feeling human.”

“Lawliet, you are not a bad person for loving Rue.”

When he hears this, he screws his eyes shut and opens them repetitively, gripping his knees hard and then letting go, as if his whole body as been stung. He holds himself for a second, and then sighs, letting go.

“But Rue is not human. He is not a good person, Rue is emotionless. He did not ask for me once after i imprisoned him-”

“Is that what you think? Or is that how you paint him? Is Rue actually a bad person, or have you painted him as one to fit your picture, so you could bury him deeper in your mind?”

Lawliet does not meet his eyes, and they sit in the heavy silence for a minute. When Lawliet finally does respond, his voice is low and rough, loaded with suppressed emotion.

“He cried the entire ride there. When i shackled him, he screamed so deeply in still feels like he’s choking me with his sobs. I do not do the surveillance of him anymore because if I do, he asks for me, he begs for me to talk to him, he apologizes, and he has for two years. He is more human then i will ever be, and I am worried I will show myself once again to him.”

Lawliet has never told watari about the day he put Rue away.

“Beyond and you had a connection that went deeper than love-hate. I don’t know what extend the relationship went to and i do not know the details, nor do you have to tell me. But you cannot say that “beyond is pure evil” or “beyond is good.” there are so many sides of humans that you need to consider. “

The two sit quietly.

“Thank you Watari. “ he stands up, his chair scraping. “Please book four tickets for us tonight.”

Watari nods, a hint of a smile gracing his lips, which lawliet returns. He then turns, and slouches out of the room slowly.

--

“nervous?”

as the plans hits a small patch of turbulence and shakes the trays in front of them, Aiber turns to the unresponsive lawliet. two isles over, matt is fast asleep on mello’s shoulder, and mello is engaged in his book. Aiber tries again.

“you know, if you need to talk about him-“

“Aiber, please focus on the case instead of making me question why you aren't imprisoned yet.”

Lawliet's harshly monotone response shuts down Aiber’s offering of advice and he nods slowly, turning back to face the seat in front of him.

“alright then.”

over the loudspeaker, a voice crackles to life.

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.Flight 3878 from London, England to Vladivostok, Russia, is now 15 minutes to arrival. At this time we’d like you to please fasten your seatbelts,-“

as the two buckle up, lawliet leans over to Aiber, uttering one last threat.

“And if you try anything in front of the kids, I'll make sure you get the death sentence.”

and with that, lawliet finishes fastening his seatbelt, and stares out the window at the snowy abyss surrounding them.