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"What did you do?" Sam asked.
Dean turned around, wondering how long Sam had been standing there, if he'd actually heard everything. "I didn't do anything."
"Bullshit," Sam said, crossing his arms and scowling at Dean. "We've already lost Mom and Jack. Now Ketch and... and Rowena. Wasn't that enough for you? Did you have to chase Cas away too?"
"Did you forget that Cas is the reason Mom is gone? Rowena too for that matter."
Sam shook his head sharply. "Rowena was planning to sacrifice herself from the start. She knew the crook wouldn't work. It's why she made me help her." He laughed, a bitter dark sound. "She called it prophecy." Sam paused and took a deep breath. "And Dean, you know mom loved Cas. She considered him a son."
Dean dropped his eyes, his jaw clenching. Intellectually he knew that, but that didn't make it any easier to look at him. All he saw when he looked at Cas was death and failure--his own as well as Cas'.
Sam sighed, stepping closer and stooping a bit to try and catch Dean's eye. "I know it's easier for you to just blame him than to deal with it. But Dean, Cas always forgives you, can't you do the same for him? Haven't we lost enough family? Or have you already forgotten what it was like to burn his body? You barely survived it."
Dean clenched his fist, feeling a phantom ache in his bones where he'd nearly broken his hand at the gas station after Cas' death. Losing Cas was unthinkable, but right now being with him was too.
When Dean didn't say anything Sam pulled out his phone and started typing. "Fine, be an asshole, but you don't speak for both of us. Cas needs to know he has a home here."
Dean watched Sam type for a moment, secretly relieved that he was reaching out to Cas. Dean hadn't really intended for Cas to leave, in fact he was kind of mad that he had. Even he realized how unfair that was, but everything was a mess right now. "I need a drink. I'm going out."
"Because that'll help," Sam muttered, his eyes still on the phone.
Dean ignored Sam and grabbed his jacket.
**
Dean stared at the bar. He'd driven three towns over to make sure he wasn't recognized, but he still hadn't made it out of the car.
You don't care. I'm dead to you.
Cas' words echoed in his head. They'd fought before, but it had never felt so final. Dean hit the wheel, his cold, contained rage finally spilling over.
I think it's time for me to move on.
Dean hit the wheel again and again until his hands throbbed. Cas always left, he always fucking left. Sure Dean was mad now, but Cas leaving wasn't going to fix anything. He just needed time, but Cas had to push it. He had to prod the way he always did and it wasn't Dean's fault that he didn't like the answers.
Well not this time. Cas didn't get to just leave this time. He didn't have wings anymore so he couldn't have gotten far.
My powers are failing and I tried to talk to you. Over and over and you just don't want to hear it.
For the first time Dean felt something other than the anger. Cas couldn't fly anymore. Sometimes he forgot what it was like before, when Cas could just pop in and out on a prayer. But that wasn't the only power he'd lost. He couldn't heal as well or resurrect. He wasn't as strong.
He wasn't able to do everything Dean asked of him anymore.
Dean had never been comfortable with Cas' powers. He hated the reminder that his best friend was an angel just like all of the dicks that had made his life miserable. Sure he'd been happy when Cas used his power to help them, but talking about it? That was different. That meant confronting how different they really were. And even worse, that meant acknowledging how much Cas had given up for him.
I'm hunted, I rebelled, and I did it, all of it, for you.
Dean had given up a lot for Cas too. He'd sacrificed for Cas. But sometimes, he forgot just how much Cas had risked for him at the beginning. Dean still didn't know how much of their lives were real, but he had a feeling that even Chuck couldn't have predicted Cas' actions. No one could have expected Cas. Dean certainly hadn't.
Mind made up, Dean pulled out his phone and opened the tracking app. He'd installed it on all of their phones after one too many emergencies where they'd gotten separated. Sam knew about it, but he doubted Cas did. He didn't feel guilty about it, though, considering how many times Cas had disappeared over the years.
The blinking blue dot that represented Cas was about an hour away at a cheap roadside motel. Maybe by the time he got there he'd know what to say.
**
"What--" Cas started to ask when he opened the door, but Dean didn't let him get the words out. He pushed his way inside, slamming the door behind him.
"You don't get to just leave," Dean yelled, no longer holding in his simmering anger. It had boiled over. "Not anymore."
"I don't see why you care."
"You don't see why I care?" Dean asked, invading Cas' space until he was backed against the wall. He stared directly into Cas' eyes, really looking at him for the first time since his mom died. "How many fucking times do I have to tell you, that you're family. Even when I'm pissed at you, that never changes."
"I thought I was dead to you." Cas scowled, his own calm finally shattering. Dean was strangely proud of that. If Cas was going to walk out of his life he sure as hell wasn't allowed to do it calmly. "You call me brother when it's convenient, but you don't treat me like Sam. You never have."
Cas wasn't wrong. Dean didn't treat him the way he treated Sam. His feelings for Cas weren't that straightforward, but he didn't have another word to describe how much Cas meant to him. Even when he hated Cas he couldn't live without him.
Cas pushed at Dean. "Just go."
"No." Dean all but growled the word. His eyes dropped to Cas' lips and for once he didn't stop to think, instead he acted on the desire he'd tried to repress for so long. He lunged forward, pressing their lips roughly together. He poured all of his anger and frustration and desperation into the kiss and Cas responded in kind, his arms wrapping around Dean and pulling him even closer.
Dean's heart was racing and a large part of him was freaking out. He was kissing Cas. Kissing his best friend, his brother--no that was wrong.
He pulled back, fighting every instinct that told him to run away and never look back. "Not brother." He shook his head, working through the confusion in his own mind. "I don't love you like a brother."
Love. Dean never used the word, had rarely even told Sam that he loved him, but it felt right. Cas was family, but he wasn't a brother. He was something else entirely and as uncomfortable as it was to talk about it, he knew that he had to or he would lose Cas forever.
Cas tilted his head, staring at Dean like he was trying to see inside him, trying to understand him. It reminded him of that night in Bobby's house not long after he'd first met Cas.
You don't think you deserve to be saved.
Dean still didn't think he deserved to be saved. No matter how much time passed, he'd never really understood why Cas stood by him and tried so damn hard to save him. But maybe it didn't matter.
He leaned forward and brushed his lips against Cas' one more time before crossing the room to sit on the edge of one of the sagging beds. The grief and anger that had been tormenting him were still there, but his fear of losing Cas had taken priority. "I'm still mad. At you, at Jack, at myself… hell, I'm even mad at mom right now. But I don't want you to leave. I've never wanted you to leave."
Cas sat down on the edge of the other bed, still studying Dean. "You sent me to hell without even a goodbye. There was every chance I would have gotten trapped there."
Dean shook his head. "We would have gotten you out. When have I ever abandoned you?"
Cas raised an eyebrow and Dean heard his own words echo between them.
Listen buddy. Um… you can't stay.
Dean dropped his eyes. "Forget I said that."
"What do you want from me, Dean?" Cas sounded tired. "Do you even know?"
"Not really," Dean admitted, going for bald-faced honesty. "I just know that I hate it when you leave. Look, I'm a mess. You know that better than anyone. So maybe it's selfish, but I'm asking you not to leave."
"When was the last time you slept?" Cas asked softly.
Dean frowned confused. "That's not--"
"Just lay down, Dean," Cas said. "Get some sleep and we can talk about it in the morning."
Dean shook his head, sure that if he gave in and let himself sleep he'd wake up to an empty room. Besides, the last thing he needed was the nightmares he knew were waiting for him.
Cas stood up and all but pushed Dean down onto the bed, pulling the covers up over him, boots and all. "You need to sleep."
"Will you watch over me?" Dean asked, his voice small. He'd chastised Cas for that in the past, uncomfortable with the intimacy, but that ship had sailed the moment he'd kissed Cas. It was time to stop being a coward and maybe Cas being here would help keep the nightmares at bay.
"Always," Cas murmured, sitting back down on the other bed, all of his focus on Dean.
Dean rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. Every time he closed his eyes he saw his mother. He'd been avoiding sleep for days, letting the latest apocalypse provide a distraction.
"You're sure she's in Heaven? And happy?"
"I saw her myself, Dean," Cas said, his voice so gentle. "She was with your father."
Dean swallowed hard, finally letting himself accept that. He was glad they'd found peace, but he couldn't help wondering if he ever would.
"Tell me about your power. What's happening?"
"Tomorrow, Dean."
Dean sat up and pulled off his boots before laying back down, this time on the far side of the bed. He patted the empty space beside him. "It'll be less creepy if you watch me from here."
Cas only hesitated a moment before laying down next to Dean. He was still wearing his coat and shoes, but Dean didn't care--that was just Cas. He reached out slowly, his hand hovering for a moment before resting on top of Cas'.
"Promise me we'll get through this."
"I can't keep being an afterthought," Cas said. "Belphagor was trying to sow discord, but he wasn't wrong. You've gone out of your way to keep me at a distance and I can't accept that any longer. I deserve better."
"You do." Dean rubbed tiredly at his eyes, with his free hand. Sam wasn't wrong. It was easier to blame Cas for things than take responsibility for his part. And the idea that everything was fated? That they had no control at all? That was the worst, so he'd lashed out at Cas. "Look I'm sorry that I didn't even listen to you today. I should have at least listened."
"If you think you can find it in yourself to trust me, then I'm willing to try again," Cas said. "I've always been willing to try if you are."
"I am," Dean said. "Just be patient. Trust is hard for me."
"I once sat and watched a mountain range form," Cas said. "I can be patient as long as I know I'm wanted."
Dean squeezed Cas' hand. "You're wanted. You are always wanted."