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“You thought he was going to eat your soul if you disobeyed.” It took a while for Flavian to put it all together. Not because he was stupid, far from it, but nothing made sense until that one tiny missing fact about where Mordecai had come from. Then suddenly everything did.
“No.” Mordecai was looking pale still. Once the excitement and the relief wore off no amount of hot sweet tea was going to stop him from feeling as though he’d been run over by a dragon. To be a villain and a hero in that short space of time was too much for anyone. He’d retreated to a corner with Proudfoot who, while intelligent, probably didn’t have much understanding or interest in his backstory.
Flavian had followed though. Probably not just because of the kitten, although they were taking turns at holding her. If nothing else, it provided something to do with the hands other than watching them shake.
“Then what?” Later, Mordecai suspected, there was going to be a sterner and more uncomfortable version of this interview with Gabriel. Being a hero didn’t get you out of everything scot-free, not when you had done so much wrong. Flavian though, Flavian asked without accusation, his eyes on the kitten rather than challenging Mordecai to defend himself. Flavian asked as though he truly wanted to know.
Mordecai shrugged, and it was an echo of that tight unhappy shrug he’d practiced so much in Series Eleven. Flavian raised his head to glance at him for a moment and, without a word, passed him Proudfoot. Mordecai busied himself stroking her for a moment or two before he could find the voice to answer.
“Thought they would keep me,” he admitted roughly. “No point being a guinea pig if you can’t perform in your experiments correctly. Might as well be pulled home.” He shuddered, and the kitten gave a small protesting mew until he started petting her again.
The hand on his back was unexpected and he nearly flinched. When he looked up Flavian was looking at him hesitantly, with an expression he couldn’t quite read. Instinct made him want to read pity but.. No, that wasn’t quite right.
“You went anyway,” Flavian said quietly.
Another shrug. “Well, I’d got the kid into this mess, so..” he pointed out. On one level he wanted to grab at that, roll in it, accept it eagerly -- yes, he went anyway, yes, he was brave, yes, you can all forgive me now and please never look at me again the way you did in that interview room because I don’t think I could stand it any longer. But it felt unearned, where the condemnation hadn’t been. “Besides, they’d have yanked me back anyway, soon enough.”
“Did Christopher know?” Flavian kept his tone low, not wanting to draw attention to the conversation.
“As much about Eleven as I could fit into an hour-long tutorial,” Mordecai said tiredly. “I warned him as much as I could but--”
“No.” Flavian shook his head, and this time he did wait until Mordecai looked up and met his eyes. Flushed and tousled still, he held Mordecai’s gaze with the earnest expression Mordecai had done his utmost to forget. “Did Christopher know you didn’t think you would be coming back?”
Mordecai swallowed. He was already doing his level best to wipe out the memory of that terrible certainty that once he stepped foot on Eleven they would hold him there forever. Later he would try harder with the help of some strong alcohol. “No. Well, it wasn’t as though any of you would have missed me much at that point.”
The kitten gave the tiniest baby-meow as though sensing his mood, and batted lightly at his hand. Knowing Asheth Temple-Cats, it was likely it understood every word and was most possibly reading his mind as well. Mordecai petted it anyway. The way life went something was always going to try to manipulate you and a baby was more harmless than most.
“I would have missed you,” Flavian said so quietly that Mordecai might have imagined it. He glanced up to check -- but there was Flavian’s hand, still steady on his back, and maybe he looked even more pink and flushed than a moment ago but it was hard to tell.
Mordecai cleared his throat, feeling his own cheeks heat, and looked back at the kitten. “It wasn’t as though you’d seen me for a while,” he said awkwardly. “Other than the cricket. Besides--” He waved a hand trying to encompass a whole list of unforgivable crimes; mermaids murdered, risks taken, lies told.
“Mordecai,” Flavian said more clearly; firm this time so that Mordecai couldn’t just brush it off as wishful thinking. “I would have missed you. Even if you had done--” he replicated Mordecai’s hand motion “--all of that.” He thought about it and added, “I.. I might not have forgiven you if there hadn’t been a reason, but I would still have missed you. Do you understand?”
He thought he did, but the day had been too full of rollercoaster rides to take anything for granted. “Maybe you shouldn’t,” he said, still uncomfortable with what felt like redemption unearned. “Forgive me, that is. I’m not sure-- I mean, you don’t know everything--” Though they had to have come damn close after that amount of questioning.
He’d forgotten, or tried to, how steady Flavian was. How matter-of-fact, how calm, how ordinary when living in a castle which was decidedly less so. Mordecai lived his life reacting; leaping because he was scared, or ordered to, or protecting someone. Flavian had always seemed as still and steady as a rock by comparison.
He had missed that rock.
“That might not be a decision you get to make,” Flavian pointed out, and even if he’d tried to talk him out of that Mordecai felt the ache in his chest ease. He leaned back against Flavian’s hand, suddenly a little more confident that it was not about to be snatched away.
Proudfoot climbed up under his chin, tiny claws snagging on his shirt, and purred noisily.
“You don’t leave again,” Flavian added, and despite the firmness in his voice there was anxiety there. “Not to London, or another Series, or--”
“No-ew,” echoed the kitten. It sounded like a command -- scratch that, it probably was a command - and Mordecai laughed shakily.
“No leaving,” he promised. “Or at least no leaving where I don’t come back.” He had his soul now. There was no question that someone could drag him away against his will -- and he was suddenly, for the first time, certain that if they did Flavian would be finding ways to follow him to drag him back.
Flavian and a small kitten with a very loud meow. And between them, Mordecai could be confident that he might never be allowed to get lost again.