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The constant beeping of the machines in the room were both a comfort and also what haunted Natsu’s dreams, whenever he did manage to get any sleep. Rogue was down getting coffee and Sting had gotten called into work, promising to come back with take-out from Natsu’s favourite Thai place when he returned. His two best friends had been a blessing this past week and hadn’t let Natsu alone to truly fall apart.
Natsu was sipping his third shitty coffee of the day and looking down at the text from his boyfriend’s parents saying that Mika and Silver were just leaving their house to make the half hour drive to the hospital and promised to bring Natsu a better cup of coffee from Starbucks. Natsu sent a one handed text back, giving his thanks before he tucked his phone back into his pocket and returned his hand to Gray’s.
Six days ago Natsu had been sitting at home, enjoying his day off when he happily answered a call from his long term boyfriend of four years. Natsu and Gray’s relationship had started quite abruptly all those years ago, Gray breaking off a relationship with his long term girlfriend only to turn up at Natsu’s door a few weeks later to ask him out. Gray and Natsu hadn’t even been that great of friends beforehand, choosing the word rival or tolerated acquaintance for each other instead. But Natsu had harboured quite the crush on Gray for a lot of years and the latter turning up on his doorstep, confidently and with a bouquet of fire lilies, sealed the deal and the rest was history.
But it hadn’t been Gray on the other end of the phone call, instead it being a police officer using Gray’s emergency contact to tell Natsu that there had in fact been an accident.
Gray had lost control of his car after hydroplaning and crashed into a light post. Thankfully, no one else had gotten hurt but Gray was still in the ICU and had yet to wake up from the incident.
Gray had bruises all over his pale face, three broken ribs, two broken thumbs, a fractured wrist and several bruises riddling his entire body. The swelling on his face had gone down thankfully and Natsu softly brushed Gray’s black, shaggy hair off of his face. Natsu still flinched at how banged up Gray looked and sighed before lowering his head onto the bed.
“Why did I wait, Gray? I thought we had so much time, and now it feels like we don’t have any time at all. Please wake up, Snowflake, I don’t know if I can do this without you. You’re the one with tubes down into your lungs but I feel like I can’t breathe. Come back to me, Snowflake,” Natsu started quietly sobbing into the sheets and squeezed Gray’s hand a little bit tighter.
Xx
Natsu stayed vigil at Gray’s bedside, using up all his sick days and vacation days since he refused to leave the hospital during visiting hours.
On day ten, Natsu was dozing off in the chair next to Gray’s bedside and startled when he heard a rumbling from beside him.
“Na--Natsu?” Gray’s voice was hoarse from his throat being swollen and dry, but the sight of Gray’s eyes caused Natsu to instantly start crying in relief.
“I’m here, Snowflake. I’m not going anywhere,” Natsu stood up and went to sit on Gray’s bed, grabbing his hand with one while he pressed the nurse’s button with the other.
Of course this was the exact moment that Sting and Rogue were downstairs getting lunch and the roads had been too bad for Silver and Mika to make the drive today.
But Gray’s eyes weren’t just confused and surprised, Gray’s expression held something that startled Natsu; contempt.
“Get away from me, damn pyro!” Gray’s voice was ragged but still managed to convey his anger.
Natsu flinched at this, not having heard that particular insult since their college days before they hooked up. Natsu had admittedly yet accidentally set Gray’s apartment on fire in college when he was drunk one night, and Gray had never let it go until they decidedly stopped being rivals.
“What’s going on? Gray, you’re awake!” Sting followed the nurse into the room.
The first nurse called out to another to go get the doctor. Sting and Rogue, who had been behind his boyfriend, congregated next to Natsu who was still too speechless to explain what was happening to the others.
“Rogue, why would you leave me alone with this idiot?” Gray’s harsh words, although very coherent for someone who had been in a coma, startled everyone.
“Because he’s your boyfriend?” Rogue answered softly with his eyebrows raised in concern.
Gray scoffed at this and Natsu’s heart continued to plummet into his stomach.
When the doctor finally came into the room, she asked for Natsu and the others to leave since Gray was becoming increasingly worked up and that wasn’t good for his condition. Natsu still hadn’t said anything as Sting fretted over him and Rogue stood a short distance away with a concerned, appraising look.
Natsu pulled out his phone instead, clicking on Mika’s number to tell her that Gray was awake. But when Mika asked for the third time what Natsu was saying since his tears were turning into sobs whenever he spoke, Rogue stepped forward and gently took the phone to explain what was going on.
Mika and Silver were at the hospital forty-five minutes later with their other son, Lyon, in tow. The doctor still didn’t let Natsu into the room despite Silver arguing the point, but once the three of them met with Gray, Lyon was the one who came out and apologised.
Natsu always liked Lyon, despite that he wasn’t the easiest guy to get along with, but then again neither was Gray.
Lyon’s head was bowed awkwardly and Natsu knew it was more bad news.
“The doctor says he’s lost most of his memories from the last four years. He still thinks you guys don’t get along and he’s refusing to see you. The doctor-- she said there’s no way of knowing if Gray will get his memories back-- but that he will probably calm down after he comes to terms with his accident,” Lyon rolled his eyes slightly, both men knowing how stubborn Gray could be. “And…” Lyon swallowed and Natsu tensed as his fingernails bit into his palms. “He’s asking for Juvia.”
Juvia was Gray’s ex from right before Gray asked Natsu out. Natsu’s heart sank and tears returned to his eyes. Gray hadn’t talked to Juvia since the two of them broke up and Natsu couldn’t help but feel his relationship was being threatened and only deteriorating while he waited in this damn hospital.
Sting was sitting a few seats over, giving the two of them some space while Lyon gave his update. When Lyon got a text from his mother, he hugged Natsu a little awkwardly before heading back to Gray’s room.
Sting rose his eyebrows in a question which exhausted all of Natsu’s remaining energy.
“Just take me home,” Natsu sighed and let Sting take his hand and lead him out to the car.
Xx
Natsu continued getting updates from Lyon, Mika and Silver, but Gray refused to want to talk to him. Even when he was discharged from the hospital and went to stay with his parents, Lyon was honest and said that Gray was spending a lot of time with Juvia.
Natsu went back to work since he was now paying for everything on his own, including his shared apartment with Gray. He was still waiting for the insurance money for the car, but he would need Gray to take his calls to be able to sort that out together.
He couldn’t help feeling so helpless that he was losing the man he loved so desperately, but he relinquished his grasp on his disappearing relationship to the fact that Gray was alive. For so many days Natsu had waited so helplessly by Gray’s bedside, waiting to be handed Gray’s fate. And even though his heart hurt, he could breathe again knowing Gray was healthy and alive.
But Rogue and especially Sting were not taking things in so much stride. They still came around most nights to check on Natsu and fill him in on Gray’s progress since Gray had let them into his life again.
During high school and college, the four of them had been tied together by their separate friendships. Rogue and Gray had been best friends while Natsu and Sting always did everything together. It was Sting and Rogue’s own relationship that brought the other two unwilling parties together by default. They also had several other mutual friends, so for many years Gray and Nasu just tolerated the other’s presence as inevitable.
xx
Sting waited an entire month, watching his best friend hurt before he finally went against his own boyfriend’s insistence and had a conversation with Gray.
Gray met Sting at the coffee shop they had been coming to since high school.
Gray ordered the same thing he always did, a medium coffee with one milk, while Sting opted for a hot chocolate with a mint shot and extra whipped cream. Gray turned his lip at so much sugar and Sting wished Natsu was here who would probably have seconded his order. Once both of them were seated into a booth, Sting got right to his point.
“Gray, Natsu is giving you a lot of space and losing a lot to make sure you’re happy. You two were together for four years and he’s watching that slip away through his fingers. I know it’s difficult to rationalise all of this, but try and remember that you losing your memories isn’t just confusing and frustrating for you,” Sting watched as his words caused Gray to put his head into his hands and sighed deeply.
“It’s just... all I can remember is how much we didn’t get along. We were always fighting and bickering and getting on each other’s nerves. We were more rivals than friends and I can’t fathom how I would have ever fallen in love with him. I mean, one of the last things I remember is picking out Juvia’s ring. Why would I do that and break up with her less than a month later?” Gray’s frustration grew and Sting tried to compose his own since he was rather obvious in his own opinions of siding with Natsu over anyone else.
The newest development in Gray’s life had been what prompted this meeting. Gray, as per Lyon, had remembered buying an engagement and stashing it at his parents’ place. And when he found the ring he had given it to Juvia, saying he had bought it for her almost five years ago. Rogue had had to calm Sting down before they even went to Natsu so to be able to support him properly. It had been horrible telling Natsu, watching their best friend fall apart at the seams.
“Well, you never told anyone why you decided to break things off with Juvia to ask out Natsu. Not as far as I know anyways. I just- Gray you loved him, like truly loved him. And Natsu, he’s crazy about you. So don’t push him out, not entirely anyways. You did find a way to get along and love each other, so remember that when you talk to him. He’s not your enemy and he’s hurting,” Sting’s voice was softer and sincere.
Gray felt rippling guilt and suffocating confusion. Natsu was the one who lit his apartment on fire during college because he was drunk and turned on the burner. Natsu was the one who pulled pranks on him all throughout high school and was relentless in his teasing that annoyed the hell out of Gray. They had only ever tolerated each other since they had a lot of mutual friends like Lucy, Sting and Rogue. It was also even more difficult when Sting and Rogue started dating for Natsu and Gray to avoid each other, when Sting and Natsu were best friends and Rogue and Gray as counterparts.
But Gray couldn’t get over the nagging in the back of his mind, so that was why the next day he had asked Rogue for Natsu’s address with profuse embarrassment. But Rogue hadn’t asked any questions and provided it easily.
Gray now stood at Natsu’s apartment, stuck on the thought that apparently his own name was also on this lease but he couldn’t remember the layout of it. He didn’t know how many rooms it had or what colour the couch was. It was a place he had apparently shared most of his memories with Natsu as his lover but it was a blurry mess in his mind.
Gray finally worked up the nerve to knock and heard a pair of clumsy feet approach noisily to the door. But Natsu must have looked through the peephole since it went quiet for a moment too long before the door slowly opened.
“Hey, Sn-- Gray,” Natsu stumbled over his words before mustering a weak smile.
Gray ran his hand nervously through the back of his hair. He had prepared a whole speech in his head when he couldn’t sleep last night but his mind was currently and frustratingly blank.
The only thing he could remember was Sting’s stern words which had ultimately prompted this visit.
“Can-- can I come in?” Gray stuttered, feeling nervous in front of Natsu for the first time in his life, that he could remember at least.
Natsu nodded and stood aside to let Gray in. The front entry led into an open concept apartment with the living room, dining room and kitchen right in front of him. The entire space was painted a soft blue colour and Gray quite liked it, so he assumed he and Natsu both must have picked it out. The couch and love seat were dark brown leather centred around a glass coffee table and a mid sized flat screen on the mantle.
The kitchen had dark cupboards that complimented the couch and all black appliances. Tucked off to the side was a glass dining table that would comfortably seat four people. It was simple and relaxing, somewhere Gray could definitely see himself living. Gray hadn’t thought about what he would do if he lived alone and picked out all the furniture, but seeing this he thought to himself that it would definitely resemble something like it.
“So, what did you want to talk about?” Natsu asked in a carefully neutral tone.
In the month since Gray had been discharged from the hospital, he hadn’t actually come over to his apartment yet. Juvia had scarily had enough clothes that fit Gray and Gray was too overwhelmed to think about possessions he had no recollection of owning.
“I-- er-- I was told that I’m being an ass. And as much as I remember us disliking each other, I can’t deny our relationship just because I don’t remember it,” Gray kept the frustration from his voice but he still pressed his fingernails into his palms in agitation.
Natsu nodded and backed up until he was leaning on the back-end of the couch. Gray stood there awkwardly, feeling his frustration push against the anger in his mind that was always there, reminding him that he had lost so much of his life to the accident.
“How did we even fall in love with each other?” Gray asked exasperatedly, his questions abruptly flooding over his mental dam.
Natsu’s eyes widened and he folded his arms over his chest, looking like he was unconsciously protecting his heart from Gray’s animosity.
“Well, I loved you for a long time but never said anything because to me it was obvious you didn’t feel the same way. Even when I heard you broke up with Juvia, I didn’t change our relationship. You just showed up out of the blue, with a bouquet of flowers of all things and said you had never been so sure about anything in your entire life,” Gray’s mouth gaped at this and Natsu knew it sounded absurd, but he had been there and remembered it vividly. “Yea, I know it sounds surprising, but I liked you too much to say no. And well, it worked really well too.”
Natsu’s fond smile was mixed with the obvious pain he felt at losing such a relationship.
Gray’s expression was a mix of turmoil, disbelief and a few other things that Natsu didn’t look too far in to. He knew if he stared long enough at Gray he would figure it out and he was sure he didn’t even want to know.
But Gray changed tracks again and blurted out another question.
“What did we fight about then?” Gray asked exasperatedly.
Natsu ran his hands over his arms and sighed before answering.
“I don’t know, stuff like who’s turn it is to make dinner or take out the trash. What we should watch on Netflix…” Natsu moved to run his fingers through his hair and Gray thought to himself that those weren’t nearly as troublesome as the fights he could remember with Juvia.
Despite both him and Juvia being annoyed with Gray’s memory, their relationship felt the same as he remembered. Juvia constantly going after his affections and fighting back just as fiercely. Their relationship was passionate and fierce and full of energy, but also a little exhausting at times. Gray couldn’t picture a relationship where the biggest disturbance was food, and Gray figured Natsu always had an answer since he couldn’t remember a time where his teenaged rival wasn’t eating or wanting to eat.
Gray took too long to say anything and was surprised when Natsu began speaking instead.
“Listen, I don’t know why Juvia took you back after all this time, but if she’s what’s making you comfortable right now, then I’ll let you go,” Natsu choked out the last words even though he was really trying to stay composed. “I can’t imagine how scary it is, not remembering such a long time. But if I’m not what’s going to make you comfortable or who you need right now, I can’t be selfish and fight against that.”
Gray didn’t know this version of Natsu. He was used to the immature, annoying boy he’d known through mutual friends. He had never understood what Sting saw in him for the two of them to be so close. But this Natsu was raw and honest and genuine. He was selflessly putting Gray’s needs before his own and Gray felt pathetic that he didn’t know what to do.
“I just-- I feel so confused. I feel like being here is cheating on Juvia, but it must feel like I’m cheating on you. I was so sure I must have gone crazy to be with you, but now I don’t know anymore.”
Natsu didn’t say anything right away and instead moved his hand out and took Gray’s. It was an instant feeling of relief, something he hadn’t been expecting. Gray wasn’t a big person on physical affection so Juvia’s tendency to latch onto him all the time left him feeling drained, especially when he felt so raw and exposed after waking up five years into the future. But Natsu’s hand grounded him in a way he couldn’t understand. And Gray was pretty sure that Natsu was doing it unconsciously, like it was an instinctual reaction to touch Gray when he was overwhelmed.
Gray would have expected himself to retract his hand instantly, but he found himself holding his breath, hoping Natsu would continue to remain ignorant so he could feel this way a little longer.
“I just-- this isn’t easy. We had plans, a future together. But life isn’t always that simple and I know that. The only thing that I really do want to know, if you can remember, is why you still had that ring. I knew you were pretty serious with Juvia right up until you broke up and asked me out,” Natsu blushed deeply at this. “I’m pretty sure I was the reason you called it off. But you never told me you bought a ring and I can’t believe you still had it hidden away at your parent’s place all this time.”
Gray frowned and gripped his hair in his fingers as he brought his head down into his chest. He hated how these types of questions made his brain turn into a hazy void, feeling loud but never giving him anything concrete.
When he looked up, Natsu’s expression was one of obvious hurt. Why would Gray break up with Juvia in the first place if he was planning on proposing. And why hadn’t he ever told anyone his epiphany moment for asking out Natsu, including Natsu himself. Why had Juvia taken him back after all these years and why did it sound like Gray had been keeping secrets in his relationship with Natsu.
Gray immediately felt an overwhelming sense of self-loathing and thought maybe it would be best to leave and go curl up somewhere.
“Do you want to see your room?” Natsu asked and Gray looked up at him in shock.
It was like Natsu could read him, like he knew exactly what he was feeling and wanted to pull him back. But then he thought that Natsu probably did know.
Gray shook his head, thinking that seeing the more intimate parts of his life with Natsu would tip him over the edge. Instead he asked a stupid question, but one that still interested him.
“Is my favourite movie still The Conjuring?” Gray blurted, remembering what Natsu said about the two of them fighting about movies.
Natsu smiled at this. “Yea, but you liked The Nun better, which is the newest installment to that series.”
Gray nodded, excited at the prospect of getting to be surprised by his apparent favourite movie all over again.
“Di--did you maybe want to watch it? Together I mean…” Gray thought he sounded stupid, and knew Natsu was hurting in such complex ways Gray couldn’t comprehend.
He should just go back and watch the movie before Juvia got home, because she was more of a romantic comedy type of person and those movies made Gray uncomfortable.
“I’ll make us some popcorn,” Natsu’s reply was accompanied with his easy smile and Gray was thrown off again by how Natsu remained so composed.
Five minutes later, Gray was sitting on one side of the couch in the darkened living room since Natsu had drawn the curtains for a nighttime effect. Natsu sat down beside him, working the remote with the popcorn bowl sitting strategically between them. But once the movie started Natsu grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch and lifted the bowl into his lap. There was still a gap between them but not as distinct.
“At least I’ve heard this one enough times while I’ve been making dinner not to jump,” Natsu exclaimed but still brought his knees to his chest and reworked the popcorn bowl so he was semi-hiding behind it.
Gray couldn’t help but laugh and enjoy the effort Natsu was making for him. For someone who Gray would have always described as fearless, if not annoying, he was surprised how much Natsu apparently couldn’t stomach horror films.
But once the opening credits appeared Gray turned his attention to the screen and grabbed for some popcorn from Natsu.
“Oh gods, I forgot about this part!” Natsu cried out, burying his head when the characters were in a cemetery.
Gray turned his attention, despite wanting to watch the suspense and watched Natsu instead from the corner of his eye.
“Are you gonna be alright?” Gray asked mockingly and Natsu shoved his shoulder playfully, like it was something he did all the time.
Gray liked this type of effortless teasing but Natsu’s face fell and he moved away from Gray and back behind the now empty popcorn bowl.
“Come on, you look ridiculous like that,” Gray motioned for Natsu to sit closer and Gray slowly but purposefully moved his hand to rest of Natsu’s knee.
The two men sat there, only a couple centimetres apart, with Gray’s hand on Natsu like a kind of olive branch.
It was obvious to Gray that Natsu was more relaxed than he had seen him since before the five year gap. Despite the fear Natsu was obviously enduring from the movie, his shoulders were softened and his eyes weren’t wrinkled with stress.
By the time the movie was nearly over, the sun behind the curtains had softened and Natsu instinctively got up to start making dinner, quoting he was not suffering through watching the ending again.
Gray laughed but couldn’t tear his eyes from such an ending that told him this was definitely his new favourite movie. When the credits rolled, he turned his gaze towards the kitchen to see Natsu had made pasta and was getting the last preparations ready. Gray hesitantly stood up, shutting off the television to go sit across from Natsu at the glass dining room table once Natsu had served the two dishes. There was warm garlic bread between them and Gray only felt a little hesitant before he took his first bite.
The two men fell into a comfortable meal, laughing at stories Gray felt he was hearing for the first time even though he was the subject of most of them. But unlike most others who tried to hide their annoyance when Gray didn’t know something, Natsu seemingly enjoyed retelling some truly hilarious and embarrassing stories without any expectation that Gray would know what he was talking about.
“Wait, so I’m not allowed to go back to DisneyLand?” Gray felt his cheeks redden as he ate his last bite of pasta.
Natsu was laughing incessantly.
“That’s what you get for stripping at a children’s theme park!” Natsu replied.
Gray couldn’t help but join into the laughter, being able to laugh at his own expense, especially when he didn’t have any recollection of the humiliation.
Gray helped carry over the dishes once Natsu was also finished and put everything into the dishwasher before he realised what he had just done. He looked up at Natsu who was now quietly watching him with a warm smile. Gray had known where the soap was and where everything went without asking for help. Gray felt shudders down his spine at the feeling of familiarity he hadn’t been able to obtain since the accident. Neither of them said anything and were promptly interrupted when Gray felt a vibrating in his pocket and pulled out his phone to see that Juvia had called him three times and left five texts, all in the last twenty minutes.
Gray waited until he bid Natsu an awkward goodbye without touching until he called Juvia back and asked her to pick him up at the coffee shop. He walked the five minute distance and felt increasingly guilty that it suddenly felt he was having two different relationships.
It only got worse when Gray started spending most days with Natsu, meeting him when he was done work or going over to their apartment on his days off. He figured Juvia must have suspected something, but surprisingly she never mentioned it. What bothered Gray the most though was Juvia’s ring. The more he got to know Natsu, the more he could admittedly see why he fell in love with him. So why had he bought Juvia an engagement ring, that being one of his last memories aside from the small ones that kept coming back to him in bits and pieces. It was little things, like remembering where Natsu worked or what brand of laundry soap they always bought. It had also been Natsu’s idea to bring Gray grocery shopping and allowing him to pick out the food he felt they always bought. Natsu had told him how great he had done, but there was still a box of Raisin Bran that remained unopened in Natsu’s pantry.
XX
One day several weeks after he and Natsu had started hanging out, he called up Rogue for a favour. Rogue easily agreed and picked him up twenty minutes to bring Gray to the jewellery store where he said he would have most likely bought Juvia’s engagement ring.
xx
“Natsu, I lost him,” Rogue sighed over the phone but was never one to sugarcoat troubling news.
“What do you mean you lost him, you just drove him downtown, right?” Natsu already sounded anxious and Rogue hated how irresponsible he felt.
He hadn’t questioned Gray’s motives for wanting to go to the jewelry store, Gray had asked to do a lot of things over the past month that might prompt some memories. But ten minutes ago Rogue had watched his best friend storm out of the store without even looking in his direction. Gray’s phone was off and Rogue had lost his trail through town.
After Rogue hung up, Natsu sighed and found Juvia’s number before clicking on it. He waited until she picked up on the last ring.
“Natsu, this isn’t a good time,” she sounded annoyed and Natsu wanted to shout at her audacity that she had been the one to steal Gray from him, so she had no right thinking Natsu was the problem in this equation.
But Gray was presumably having an emotional breakdown somewhere and Natsu wanted all the help he could get.
“It’s Gray, he was out with Rogue and ran away. Rogue doesn’t know where he went and said he looked really upset,” Natsu relayed the message.
Juvia gasped and suddenly dropped her affronted tone.
“Please let me know if you see him. Just-- I need to know he’s safe,” Natsu pleaded and was surprised when Juvia assented before hanging up.
Natsu drove around and tried thinking back to all the places they used to hang out in college. But most of those places were the mall or the skate park, which would have too many people for Gray to be around. Natsu needed to find someplace desolate and there were very few of those in such a small town with a larger population.
Natsu drove to the only place he could think of and sighed at just how high we was going to have to climb.
The water tower was obviously banned to the public, but they had broken in hundreds of times, climbing up a strategic tree and then jumping to the ladder that was about ten feet off the ground.
Natsu stopped several times to close his eyes and stave off the increasing nausea he felt. Natsu hated heights, something that Sting constantly poked fun at him for whenever they used to come out here as teenagers.
“I can’t believe you made me come all the way up here,” Natsu scolded once he was close to the top and could see a pair of legs wearing black jeans hanging over the edge.
He knew it was Gray and couldn’t help his slight frustration from his pertinent fear and the fact that he had been so worried trying to find Gray.
“You didn’t have to come here at all,” Gray quipped back and Gray sounded more like he had when they attended college together, like when Gray had woken up and not known Natsu as his lover but as his bitter rival.
“Of course I did Snowflake, you ran away from Rogue and I was worried about you,” Natsu softened his voice and watched Gray’s shoulders flinch.
Such a reaction pulled at Natsu’s chest, that words that used to comfort Gray now made him recoil back from him. But Gray uncharacteristically erupted into a surge of anger a moment later and locked eyes with Natsu who sat himself down beside Gray but pressed his back against the metal behind him and crossed his legs, making himself as far away from the edge as possible.
“How can you worry about me? How can you care about someone as horrible as me? We were together for four years and I wake up only to go and propose to my ex-girlfriend,” Gray sobbed out the last few words and Natsu was shocked.
Out of the two of them, Natsu was the emotional one. Gray was much more reserved with his feelings and Natsu had only seen him cry a few times over the last four years. But this was such a raw outburst of emotions and Natsu couldn’t help the tears that filmed his eyes.
“Gray, it has been difficult, but I can’t expect so much from you for my own selfish desires. I love you, and if this version of our lives doesn’t include us falling in love, then I will learn to accept that,” Natsu’s voice was also cracking but he was genuine in his response.
Gray was wracked over with grief and Natsu finally shimmied over and enveloped Gray into a tentative embrace although Natsu remained behind him so to still be close to the back of the tower’s walkway.
“The ring wasn’t for Juvia,” Gray choked out and Natsu stilled with his arms over Gray.
He couldn’t find his voice to ask his question for Gray to clarify but he didn’t need to.
“All I remembered was that I had a ring and when I found it at my parents' place, I was relieved that one of my memories was real. But I couldn’t remember our relationship since I didn’t remember breaking up with Juvia. But the memories were still fuzzy… and I was wrong,” Gray’s words turned again into uncontrollable sobs and Natsu was more confused than ever.
“Gray, if you want to marry Juvia, I won’t stand in your way,” Natsu cried softly and buried his face into Gray’s shoulder.
It was a few minutes later when Gray finally pulled back and spoke again.
“I asked Rogue to bring me back to the jewellery store today where I bought the ring to try and remember. The clerk surprisingly recognised me but told me the ring wasn’t for my longtime girlfriend. The clerk remembered me because she thought I was so romantic, I bought the ring for the man I was going to ask to go out with me. Apparently I was so sure he was the one, I told the lady that this was the man I wanted to marry, but he didn’t even know it yet. I wanted to start the relationship knowing we were going to get married.”
Natsu exhaled loudly since he had been holding his breath through Gray’s entire explanation.
“You bought it… for me? Right before you asked me out, you bought a ring?” Natsu’s voice was thick and he could no longer make any sense of the situation.
Gray bowed his head into his knees but his sobs had since subsided.
“I am just so awful. I was so adamant that I couldn’t love you, but hanging out with you over the past month, I can see it. I was such an ass and went back to Juvia despite what everyone said to me. I gave her your ring and now what am I supposed to do? I’ve ended up hurting you both and don’t deserve anyone’s patience or forgiveness. I’m the asshole here and I just-- I can’t-- I’m sorry,” Gray whispered with a voice that was full of self loathing.
Natsu realised that Gray hadn’t necessarily run away because he was upset or overwhelmed, he had run away because he didn’t think he deserved anyone’s love.
“Snowflake, you are allowed to be selfish right now,” Natsu started but Gray buried his head further in his hands, shaking his head. “I’m serious! Gray, you were in a terrible accident. They told me you might never wake up and all I did was wish for you to come back. And if the price of you waking up was you losing so much of your memory, then I only want what will make you happy. Knowing you are alive is enough, and if you being with someone else is what you need, then I’ll step aside. Knowing you are in the world was my only wish, so I am happy. I am so relieved that you are still here Snowflake, nothing else matters.”
Gray had started crying again and Natsu sighed as Gray buried his head into Natsu’s chest, Gray having moved in closer during Natsu’s speech.
“I must have been so confident when I decided I wanted to be with you, and over this past month… I can believe it now. When I woke up I was so horrible to you but you’ve been so patient with me. I can see it now, but I don’t deserve you,” Gray’s words sent painful stabs through Natsu’s heart.
This was the man he had loved without abandon for four years. They did everything together and Natsu had decided along the way that Gray was the only man worth loving. When the world flipped that upside down, Natsu felt like he couldn’t cope, but the man he loved was still alive, so that was enough. He would love him until the end of time, if only from a distance. But it seemed, somehow, way too high up in the air, that the world was pulling them together again. It was like Gray and Natsu were magnetised, always attracted to each other and brought together through proximity and force.
xx
“Come on, I’ll drive you to your parent’s place,” Natsu offered as both men gracelessly climbed back over the fence and started walking towards Natsu’s car.
Gray didn’t reply until they were both inside the car.
“Would it be ok if we went to your-- our-- apartment?” Gray sounded so uncertain but Natsu blushed.
“Of course,” Natsu replied and stared at Gray from the corner of his eye before he started the car and proceeded to drive home.
It took less than ten minutes before he was pulling into their complex and parking the car. Gray stared up where he now knew the apartment was and looked nervous, but Natsu took Gray’s distraction to send a quick text to Juvia that Gray was safe. He would have called her, not that he wanted to, but it was a necessary courtesy. He didn’t think however that Gray would handle it very well, hearing Natsu talk to Juvia when Gray felt so much self-loathing over his three-way relationship.
“Come on Snowflake, you need to sleep,” Natsu lead Gray through the door and walked slowly with his arm over his shoulder with his other hand leading Gray’s arm towards the bedroom. “I’ll take the couch.”
Natsu could feel the exhaustion in Gray’s arms and body. He finally sat Gray down and gently took off his shirt and pants so he would be more comfortable. It wasn’t sensual, but caring, Natsu knowing Gray liked sleeping in his boxers to avoid overheating.
But after Natsu tucked Gray in and went to stand to walk back out to the living room, Gray gripped onto his arms and tugged him down. Natsu fell forward and quickly oriented himself so his knees didn’t crush into Gray’s curled up body. Gray pulled Natsu until he was sitting with Gray in his arms and Gray sat back into his chest. It felt so natural and Natsu couldn’t help but forget the past month for only a couple moments. Without thinking too much about anything, both men let the comfort of the other guide them quickly to sleep.
xx
Natsu knew he had overslept when he felt the sunlight on his closed eyelids. Gray had passed out quickly last night and Natsu still felt Gray in his arms. He wanted to savour this moment, not knowing how Gray would react to waking up beside his ex-lover.
“Morning, Sunshine,” Natsu stilled at hearing such a painfully familiar term of endearment.
While Natsu knew he had slipped up quite a few times over the last month calling Gray Snowflake, he hadn’t heard Gray say this name since before the accident.
Natsu opened his eyes and ignored the brightness of the sun to see that Gray’s eyes were still closed and it seemed that he might have said it without knowing if Natsu was even awake yet.
“Gray?” Natsu whispered and Gray’s eyes fluttered open in a sleepy haze.
Gray slowly got up and the uneasy expression Natsu was so used to seeing now returned to Gray’s face.
“It felt so-- so normal waking up here,” Gray replied and Natsu couldn’t help but kiss the blush that was creeping onto his cheeks.
Gray turned even more red and returned to laying over Natsu’s chest. Both of them knew today would bring back all of the anxiety and confusion from yesterday but both stayed lying in each other’s arms for a little longer.
Gray was the first one to break away and Natsu looked over to the bedside table to see that it was almost noon.
“Natsu, I-- I have to make things right,” Gray looked less pained but the guilt was still evident on his face. “I have to go talk things out with Juvia and own up to everything, it’s the least I can do. I’m not going to come back until things are resolved.”
Natsu’s chest pinched but he nodded in understanding. Gray surprised him though after he quickly got dressed and leaned over to kiss Natsu on the forehead. Gray lingered and Natsu stifled his low sigh of relief towards feeling Gray’s intimacy.
But then Gray quickly grabbed his coat and exited the bedroom. Natsu held his breath until he heard the front door close, then he exhaled loudly and fell back onto the pillow. He rolled over and brought Gray’s to his face, savouring the wintry smell he had left behind. Natsu didn’t know what Gray had really meant and felt scared all over again that he might lose Gray for good this time.
XX
“It’s been nine days,” Natsu sighed over his coffee.
Sting couldn’t quite hide his grimace, watching Natsu add yet another sugar cube into it, but Rogue kept a straight face.
“He tells me he’s fine whenever I check-in,” Rogue reassured him but Natsu sighed again.
“Is that all he says? That’s he’s just fine,” Natsu asked and Rogue sighed back, pulling out his phone and showing Natsu the limited back-and-forth he’d had with Gray this week.
Rogue would text Gray every other day asking him how he was and without fail Gray would reply with ‘thanks, I’m fine.”
Natsu shook his head and Sting audibly scowled as all three of them worried about their absent friend. They had all known Gray for years and none of them had a positive guess for why Gray was being so reclusive.
Natsu’s pocket started to vibrate and he sighed, thinking it was work trying to get him to come in again. But Natsu froze when the caller ID said Snowflake instead. Sting leaned over and gasped, wholly believing in the standard that if you put something into the universe, the universe will answer.
“Gray?” Natsu asked carefully, purposefully calling him by his name.
“Hey, erm-- you’re not home then I take it?” Gray sounded nervous.
“No, I’m downtown with Sting and Rogue, what’s up. Are you alright?” Natsu pulled his keys from his pocket and played with them nervously, hoping that Gray would want to meet up somewhere.
“I-- I’m at home actually. And I never got my key back-- and well, I don’t remember where the spare key is. I was hoping maybe you could meet me here, it’s starting to snow and I have my stuff outside the apartment,” Gray sounded positively anxious, like he was unsure how Natsu would react.
Natsu paused, piecing Gray’s fragmented sentences in his head until he realised what might actually be happening.
“Wait, are you outside the apartment right now? Our apartment? With all your things?”
This time Gray went quiet until he coughed and replied with a hushed yes.
Natsu pulled out his wallet and put a twenty on the table even though his coffee had been under five dollars. Sting and Rogue had heard enough not to stall Natsu with pressing questions, knowing that they would be filled in later. It only took Natsu three minutes before he pulled into his parking spot and looked up to see Gray standing by the ledge overlooking the parking lot with a backpack and a small suitcase beside him. Gray was never one for many possessions and the fact that he had this much stuff at Juvia’s, Natsu found surprising.
He took the stairs two at a time up to the second landing, feeling Gray’s gaze on him the entire way up.
“Hey, Snowflake,” Natsu greeted and couldn’t help his soft smile.
Gray looked as nervous as ever and swept his left hand over the back of his head.
“I should have called, or asked, or-- maybe I should have gone to my parents' place first,” Gray stuttered but Natsu filled the space between them because he didn’t like the words Gray was saying.
“This is your home, Snowflake. This is the only place you should be,” Natsu whispered before stealing a kiss.
This one felt the most like their normal kisses, Natsu meeting Gray’s need with his own brand of excitement. No kiss ever felt the same, although they did have an air of familiarity that felt like home.
When the two men finally pulled back Natsu lifted Gray’s suitcase and unlocked the door before setting it down at the front door to be moved later. After he shucked off his boots he beelined it for the coffee machine because this occasion called for coffee and he also wanted to make sure Gray warmed up from waiting in the snow.
Gray removed his combat boots and fall jacket much more slowly than Natsu had and sat down on the couch, choosing his usual spot and Natsu wondered if that was something Gray remembered or if it was instinctual. When Natsu joined him with two steaming cups, Gray’s coffee already with one milk and Natsu’s filled with sugar and creamer, Natsu took the seat beside Gray and waited for him to explain.
Gray took the coffee graciously and blew on it before taking a sip. It was several minutes of silence before Gray finally turned to look at Natsu.
“I broke up with Juvia, and it was pretty terrible. But I stayed around and she got to say a lot of what she had wanted to tell me the first time. I was pretty selfish back then and I really hurt her, but we worked through it to a place where we both respect the other. I’m glad I did it this way, I didn’t think I could be with either of you if I wasn’t completely honest. And despite still not having a lot of my memories, I want to take responsibility for my actions,” Gray sounded far less anxious than the night on the water tower or the morning after.
Natsu was relieved to see Gray looking more like himself like he had before the accident.
“And I don’t have most of my memories, so I still don’t remember our time together. I want so much to remember, but spending time with you this past month and being in this apartment with you, I feel like maybe I’m falling in love with you again. I sound so fucking sentimental, but loving you is so easy and I don’t want to screw this up more than I already have. So, I got you something. I picked it up this morning,” Gray reached into the backpack he had brought to the living room and pulled out a small, black, velvet box.
Natsu gasped and Gray blushed.
“It seems that over four years ago I hadn’t ever been as sure of anything as asking you out. And after all the trust I must have shattered, I want to re-enter this relationship with all my cards on the table. The truth is that I might not ever remember our time together, and as much as I want them back, I want to make new memories with you. I am such an idiot for putting you through so much, but if you’ll accept this, I want you to know that my intention is to someday marry you,” Gray was bright red and Natsu knew that Gray wouldn’t do anything else romantic for at least a couple months after this to decompress his introversion.
Natsu couldn’t help the tears in his eyes and pulled the box lightly from Gray’s hands to see the rose-gold band with a set ruby and diamond into it. It was a beautiful ring in Natsu’s eyes and he was speechless for one of the only times in his life. Natsu carefully took it out of the box and placed it on his own finger, watching as Gray’s shoulders relaxed but that his eyes widened in surprise.
“I have something for you as well,” Natsu declared before he quickly got up and padded into the bedroom.
He returned with a matching black box and Gray immediately locked his gaze onto it until Natsu sat down again.
“I bought this about two months before the accident and I was so stupid to have waited so long to give it to you. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you and there’s no good reason I put that off. Waiting for the perfect moment just wasted so much precious time that we did have. I want to be with you, Gray. Even if you don’t remember our life together. We’ll make new firsts and when-- if you remember us, then you’ll just have two firsts in your memories,” Natsu laughed at this and Gray smiled such a winning smile that Natsu had to swallow and start again. “This time I get to go in knowing what you like for the first time we have sex.”
Natsu winked and Gray blushed but now both men were wearing engagement rings. Gray looked down at the silver band with an embedded sapphire and diamond; it seemed both Gray and Natsu still had complimentary tastes.
Natsu leaned over and pulled Gray into a kiss that started off soft and intimate. Gray let out a soft moan that opened his mouth up just enough for Natsu to press his tongue inside. Gray moved even closer into the kiss and tightened his arms around Natsu’s back to press more into him. Natsu smiled and couldn’t stop smiling which caused him to start lightly chuckling into Gray’s lips.
The raven-haired man pulled back with one eyebrow raised and Natsu continued to laugh until Gray caught on and smiled.
“So, how’s our first make-out going?” Natsu asked and Gray rolled his eyes.
“Need more data,” Gray muttered before filling the distance once again.
Natsu knew this was going to be difficult, but he couldn’t quite care in that moment, now being Gray’s fiancee. He loved his man too much and Gray discovered all over again just how much he loved Natsu back.