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Chapter Text

"You're drinking like you've got a race to win"

Andrew did nothing but glare in response. Why did he insist on bringing Neil along again? Maybe Andrew was really that self destructive. Bringing Neil here, dressing him up, and keeping him close by all night.

It was constant temptation in his face. Neil looked good in his outfit tonight. Too good. Such a nice change from his usual ratty attire. But this was dangerous. On nights like tonight when Andrew was sober from his usual meds but mixing cracker dust and alcohol.

Andrew would never let himself lose control. But it would be all too easy tonight.

"Seriously isn't Kevin going to be upset if you drink them all?"

Would this boy ever shut up? Andrew was being petty by not answering, but it was another way of controlling himself. He wanted so badly to just ask Neil to the backroom with him.

Except Neil was clueless. He still hadn't caught on to Andrew's interest in him. Or maybe he had and this was his way of rejecting Andrew. No, that doesn't seem right either. He never noticed anyone's interest in him since he "doesn't swing".

Andrew had a hard time understanding it all when Neil would do things that others would do to show their interest. He sought out Andrew to talk. He respected Andrew's boundaries. He had even tried to protect Andrew. Neil Josten paid attention to him. It was messing with his head. It made him want to hope, but Andrew refused. If Neil ever did decide to swing, would he even be interested in someone like Andrew?

He finished the last drink on the tray and got up to make his way to the bar. He felt Neil following him. No escaping him apparently.

They made their way to the bar and Andrew managed to catch Roland's attention. He slid their tray back onto the bar and exchanged greetings with Roland before he began replacing the drinks. Someone pushed into Neil, which pushed Neil in to him.

Instead of feeling panicked, his skin burned with Neil's touch. It filled Andrew with even more want. Bringing Neil here was a mistake. He should've left him back at the dorm. Or back in Arizona and convinced Kevin to sign literally anyone else. Preferably someone who didn't spit approximately 30 lies out an hour. Preferable someone who didn't look like Neil and someone who didn't pay attention to Andrew.

Neil slowly moved out of Andrew's space and was apologizing. Andrew again just cut him a glare, which meant stop already. He didn't mind Neil's touch. Andrew knew that already but again this was another example of Neil trying to respect Andrew. Neil was always very careful in respecting Andrew's boundaries. It was another thing Andrew hated about him.

Couldn't he just mess up so Andrew could be done thinking about him?

Roland was finishing up with the tray and leaned over the bar to say, "I'm on break in 15"

Andrew knew what that meant by now. An offer to meet in the backroom like always.

Before he could answer, Neil leaned in "Cool. We're sitting over there." He tried to point towards the direction of their table. Clearly missing what Roland was saying to Andrew.

Roland cut him a questioning look and Andrew just nodded once. He wasn't about to explain to Neil why Roland had really mentioned his break time. He slid their tray back to Andrew, "I added a few extra on there. I'm trying out some new mixes so those are on the house."

"Thanks Roland" was all Andrew said before turning away from the bar. He would need the drinks to get through this night. He must already be feeling it to say thank you to someone.

"So you'll talk to him but not me?"

More ignoring. Andrew was afraid what would slip out if he began talking to Neil right now. He still could feel his skin burning from where Neil had touched him. Shit, maybe he had drank too much already.

He watched Neil pick up a drink and look at it curiously. Neil began to take small sips of it.

"You're drinking tonight?" Fuck. Andrew had not meant to say anythng. He cursed himself for giving Neil an opening.

"Only so you have one less drink tonight. I don't want you to die of alcohol poisoning."

"How generous"

"Seriously, I've never seen you drink like this before. Where's all of the liquor going to go?"

"Are you trying to be as annoying as Kevin?"

"I could never."

Andrew only rolled his eyes. He definitely prefered Kevin's company right now. Kevin for once was drinking, texting Thea, and off with Nicky tonight. Neil seemed like he would do anything to annoy Andrew.

At least he could escape to Roland soon.

"You know I don't think I've ever seen you drunk before. Maybe you should. I want to see you lose control."

"You're an idiot."

Andrew wasn't sure if he meant Neil or himself. No one wanted Andrew to lose control. They already thought he had none.

"It would make things more interesting if you lost control."

"Don't ask for something if you don't know what you'd be getting." An uncontrolled Andrew would almost certainly involve Andrew getting closer to Neil and maybe even kissing him. Neil probably wouldn't like that very much.

"I trust you though." He is so stupid. How can he say things like that? Does he not remember the first time Andrew brought him to Eden's?

"Why?"

"I thought you had my back. We have a deal, remember?"

Neil trusted Andrew to keep their promise. He could see the promise for all it was worth unlike Aaron.

"Yes." Andrew needed to get away from Neil and clear his head. All of this was becoming too much for Andrew. It would be easier if Neil just stopped. Just stopped talking, stopped paying attention, stopped doing all the right things. And of course, the one boy Andrew really wants, doesn't swing. So instead he forces himself to want nothing. Nothing would be better than this.

Finally, Andrew's phone buzzed in his pocket. Roland was about to go on break then. He took a final glance at Neil and went off to meet Roland and just commanded Neil not to follow him and to watch Kevin.

He made his way through the crowd making sure Neil wouldn't be able to follow him this time. But of course he wasn't because Andrew had asked him not to. He felt an ache at leaving Neill behind. He easily could've taken him to the back room instead. Showed him what it meant to lose control. But that was dangerous. It would make Andrew feel a little too much like them.

He got to the back room and Roland was already there waiting.

"How were the rest of those drinks?"

"Don't talk"

"How's this different than any other night?"

"If you talk I can't pretend you're someone else"

Yes, someone else with blue eyes and auburn hair. Roland knew of Andrew's infatuation with Neil. He picked up on it only the second time after bringing Neil back. He knew Roland didn't care. They were just here to hook up.

Andrew closed his eyes and mentally replaced Roland's face with Neil's.

Chapter Text

Tonight had been too much already. Andrew felt like he should have been away from the others for hours but in reality it had only been 45 minutes.

He had gone to meet up with Roland, but if Andrew was being honest with himself, he was beginning to think he should put a stop to this. It felt too wrong to him to be with Roland when he so badly wanted Neil.

Of course Roland knew and didn't care. They were just fuck buddies for a reason.

It was nice to relieve some of his tension, but still. Picturing Neil instead of Roland felt wrong. He wanted to stop thinking of something that would never happen. Until Andrew could make that stop, he wanted to stop it all.

Maybe they could just avoid Columbia for a while. Take all of the temptation away.

Why did he have to want the one boy who didn't want anyone?

He was so stupid. It was like he was attracted to self-destructive behavior. Hadn't Bee mentioned that at one point? Oh if only she could see Andrew now.

Everything was spinning as Andrew dug through his pockets for his phone. He went outside for a quick smoke break but really just needed to leave. Finally, his fingers found the comfortable weight of his phone.

He flipped it open confused to find a team picture for the background. Maybe he was drunker and more sentimental than he thought?

He flipped to the messages and grew even more confused after noticing there was a message from Matt Boyd. Weird. Boyd should be the last person contacting Andrew.

“Okay if you say so”

This just seemed like a reply. Andrew clearly must’ve sent something but couldn’t remember. Too much alcohol tonight. Never again he promised himself.

He went to see what he drunk texted Matt. Hoping he didn’t send anything about his stupid interest in Neil.

“Yeah I’ll be fine. Andrew’s got my back we will be safe.”

Wait what?

Andrew slowly pieced it together as he realized the mix up. He cursed Nicky for getting him and Neil identical jackets. He already made them get matching phones.

He felt like he invaded Neil’s personal space with that. And really knowing Neil thought he was safe with Andrew? That was too much. No one thought he was safe. Idiot.

The temptation to skim through Neil’s phone was there. Just to see if he’d been interested in anyone else. But Andrew refused. He knew he’d regret that more than his hangover. Neil would never forgive him if he went through his things again either.

He knew Josten wouldn’t have noticed the phone switch so there was no point in texting himself. He started to make his way back inside.

He got back to the table only to find Neil looked pissed while sitting and talking to Kevin. The pair only really disagreed when it was exy related. They both idolized the sport but their different opinions lead to nasty arguments. Andrew hated it. How could someone care for something so stupid?

“We’re leaving. Kevin go find Aaron and Nicky.”

Kevin actually looked shocked to be the one sent away. He glanced at the drink tray which was empty by now and got up without another word for once.

Andrew ripped off his coat and pushed it into Neil’s hands. “Took yours by mistake. Switch with me”

Andrew looked but heard Neil say something about how it would’ve taken him a week to notice.

“Here”

Andrew simply held out his hand, unwilling to look at Neil. Even accidental, he still felt some guilt over looking at his message. He couldn’t stand knowing Neil thought he was safe. How did he deserve Neil’s trust after that first visit to Eden’s?

He hated him. He wanted to call Neil an idiot, but it felt too much like a lie at the moment. All he could think of was how clever Neil was. How interesting. How resourceful. How tough. He was too much.

He was everything Andrew couldn’t allow himself to want.

Neil feeling safe was Andrew made him feel too much. Too much hope. Too much warmth. Too much want. Just too much.

They went to leave Eden’s with Andrew slowly walking behind the group. He was content to keep to himself the rest of the night. He needed space to calm down.

Of course right as he decided that, Neil dropped back. Andrew felt Neil looking at him as they walked. Whatever he saw must’ve kept Neil quiet for once.

The silence between them only comforted Andrew as they made it to the car.

Chapter Text

Andrew’s idea to stop seeing Roland while he was crushing on Neil was failing. As soon as they made it to Eden’s Andrew decided he could just get his feelings out this way. No thinking of Neil. Just him and Roland. He wouldn't let there be room for thoughts of anyone else.

Andrew signaled to Roland to text him when they got their drinks. He waited and waited for the text to come. Neil commented about how he looked antsy. Funny, Andrew never looked like anything. At least not to anyone else.

He needed someone to take his mind off of Neil. The blue but sometimes brown eyes followed him everywhere. It was maddening. Andrew told himself time and time again it did not mean Neil was interested.

“Are you waiting for someone?”

Andrew ignored Neil’s question until he followed up with “really who are you looking for?”

How did he know? Why could Neil so easily see through to Andrew when no one else ever could?

“I’m not “ it wasn’t exactly a lie. Andrew wasn’t looking for anyone. Just waiting for a text too.

“You keep glancing at your phone and I’ve never seen you so restless.”

“My meds definitely make me more restless than this.”

“It’s different this time.”

Andrew finally got the text from Roland and slipped away from Neil without another word. He and Kevin were in the middle of a debate about scheduling some scrimmages for next summer with the Trojans. Boring.

He made it to the back closet when they started going at it. Hard and fast was the rule for the two of them. Roland's breaks were only so long and Andrew couldn’t leave the others without a babysitter forever.

Close to finishing Andrew gasped out “Neil”.

He surprised himself with that. Andrew had less self control than he thought.

Roland heard and thankfully misinterpreted, “you want me to kneel?”

Roland was aware of Andrew’s infatuation but somehow hadn’t realized his slip up. “No, no, never mind I gotta get back to the others.”

“Ohhhh still thinking about your boy then?”

“He’s not.”

“You want him to be though”

“Roland you know I don’t want anything”

He just shrugged. Andrew left him there and made his way back to the group.

Neil was still sitting there with Kevin. Instead now they were going on about who to recruit for next year. Classic. Nothing interesting. A whole half an hour had gone by and they were still talking about exy.

Why did he like Neil again?

Neil glanced at Andrew and paused. He continued his conversation until Kevin got up for more drinks. Neil motioned for Andrew to lean in. So quietly Neil said, “you missed a button”

He just smirked after. Andrew knew Neil had figured out at least one of his secrets.

Probably wouldn’t even take him long to figure out who Andrew had gone away with. He knew he and Renee had already talked about Andrew’s sexuality.

Except Neil was too dense to realize it was meant to help reveal his feelings to Neil. He was really going to have to spell it out for him if he ever wanted it to happen.

But no. He wouldn’t ever say anything. He was self destructive not stupid. Neil didn’t swing and that was final. He’d seen Neil reject cheerleads and other PSU students before.

Neil definitely wouldn’t want to deal with Andrew’s baggage either. Who would?

Neil was such a flight wrist still too. Andrew kept telling himself not to bother.

Neil kept frowning at him the rest of the night. Not exactly disappointed but like something didn’t quite add up.

“Stop stating”

“I’m not”

Andrew rolled his eyes at another blatant Neil Josten lie. Every time he looked up from his drink Neil was watching him.

They didn’t talk much the rest of the night but Andrew couldn’t help but think back to when he gave Neil the key to his house. He’d given Andrew a similar look then. Like he was figuring Andrew out. Which maybe he was. So far Neil knew him better than most if not everyone.

He knew Neil understood what it meant when Andrew gave him that key. That one object seemed to ground him. He had stopped being a rabbit for the most part. Andrew knew when he was worried or trying to cut off feelings of disappointment because Neil would trace the key often or clutch it in his hand.

It was another reason Andrew wanted him. Someone who understood what a home and family meant. Not in the traditional sense, but what you build for yourself. He desperately wanted Neil to stay and giving him that key made him seem to do just that. He promised Neil protection. Two things he wouldn’t have if he ran and two things Neil wanted the most.

If Neil asked, Andrew might even try at exy. Just to give him something else he wants. Maybe he wouldn’t run then.

Maybe Andrew could keep him around.

Chapter Text

“So how’s Roland”

Andrew was not expecting that from Neil. Maybe he figured out two of Andrews secrets which was okay as long as he didn’t figure out the third.

Andrew planned to take that to the grave. Or as soon as he found someone new interesting. Whichever would come first.

In all honesty, Andrew didn’t know how to answer. If it was innocent, he didn’t want to confirm anything.

“Go ask him yourself.”

“I think he likes you better than me”

So Neil had figured it out. He was too clever sometimes. Always seeing through to Andrew.

"You're not half as clever as you think you are." A weak comeback, but Andrew didn't want to talk about Roland to Neil.

"Hard to be half of 0"

"Don't you have someone else to bother?"

"I'm more interested in what you have to say."

"If you want detail, go ask Nicky what he and Erik like to do"

Why did he even care? Andrew wished he would just go away. Every time he thought he was done thinking about Neil he popped right back up as an annoying reminder. It was everything he wanted but couldn't have.

"No thanks. But really, no one else pieced it together?"

"No and it's going to stay that way."

"Not like you have to tell me to lie about something." Of course, Neil was as fleunt in lying as he was German.

It was another thing that infuriated Andrew. Andrew always told the truth and meant what he said. It hurt more when people said things and hadn't followed through.

He never wanted to trust Neil. He knew once he discovered another lie of his it would hurt. He didn't want to listen to Neil saying he was staying or safe with Andrew. How could he know he meant it? He wanted Neil to mean it.

Andrew demanded Neil come with him to get a refill on their tray and they made their way to the bar. Neil made a path in front of Andrew which was nice. He always found the gaps and made their path easy.

Roland saw them coming and started making his way towards them. They didn't have to wait long until he made it.

"Hey guys what can I get you?"

"The usual."

"I assumed. Wow I can't wait for my break in half an hour."

Andrew nodded realizing what he was carefully saying. Neil realized what was happening and Andrew watched his face go blank.

Andrew made a note to tell Roland Neil figured it out. It would be easier setting up their meetings now at least. No one else bothered him so much. Kevin wouldn't ask why he slipped away, Nicky was gone dancing all the time, and Aaron wouldn't care.

"Neil are you drinking tonight?"

"Just soda."

"I made up a new mix you might like. Want to try it? On the house of course."

"Just the soda is fine." Andrew wasn't surprised Neil wasn't drinking but he was surprised by how controlled Neil was keeping his expression.

"I put it on there anyways. One of you can try it and give me some honest feedback."

"I said I wasn't interested."

Neil turned and began to walk away from them after that. Andrew would've thought Neil was being a little dramatic, but there was something off about the whole thing. He also didn't plan on asking about it. He wasn't sure what he would trade for the reasoning behind this interaction.

"What's with him tonight?"

Andrew just shrugged. Neil does have asshole tendencies but usually only come out when provoked.

"See you in a bit?"

"Yeah. Text me"

Andrew made his way back to the table with Kevin and Neil sitting there. This time surprisingly not going on about exy. They weren’t even talking at all. Kevin was looking into his drink pensively while Neil glared at his.

Neil was always on edge at Eden’s but today was the most pissed of Neil has been since realizing Andrew tampered with his drink on the first visit.

Whatever it wasn’t Andrews problem. He just wanted for Roland’s text to come. It wasn’t much longer before his phone buzzed in his pocket.

He made a movement to get up and was distracted by some German words. It took Andrew a second to realize Neil had asked if he was going off to find the bartender.

Andrew only looked at him in response before going to the backroom.

He and Roland hooked up quickly in the backroom. It was enjoyable, but Andrew felt distracted the whole time thinking about Neil being unusually quiet tonight. And how weird it was he was randomly pissed off.

He promised himself he would stop but Neil was addictive.

He went back out and just had a feeling something would be off. He couldn't figure out why but he just instinctually knew he needed to find everyone. He eventually pushed through the crowd and made his way to the table.

It took longer than normal to find their table. There was some guy Andrew didn't recognize. Kevin was also absent. He had taken over Andrew's scene and was talking to Neil. No, talking wasn't the right word.

Neil looked totally pissed.

Andrew got closer and he heard Neil telling the guy to leave him alone. Without knowing the situation, Andrew guessed this guy was hitting on Neil and wouldn't stop.

Not that Andrew tolerated a lot, but definitely not this.

He stalked up to the guy and told him, "I think he told you to leave him alone."

The guy only laughed in response. In all fairness, the guy would've towered over Andrew, but Andrew could take him. "Oh and you are?"

"He's with me and I don't like to share what's mine."

The guy paused and looked for Neil to confirm. "This is your boyfriend?"

Andrew hoped Neil would lie just this once. Let the guy make the mistake of thinking that and maybe this wouldn't have to go on any longer.

"Yes, he's my boyfriend."

Andrew couldn't keep his heart from spiking even with the lie. The guy hadn't responded yet. He glanced back and forth between the two of them. "This guy? Really?'

"Like you have room to question my choices. Andrew understands me and listens when I say no. You can't even follow basic instruction. Now leave us alone."

Neil always the asshole. The guy seemed to finally feel the rejection and got out of the chair and moved away without a backwards glance.

It didn't take long for Neil to direct his attention to Andrew, "what was all that about?"

"I did promise having your back."

"I didn't know that extended to annoying people at bars."

"Now you do."

Neil gave Andrew a weird look before quietly saying thanks.

Andrew couldn't help but feel pleased at Neil turning down that guy. Even more so he was willing to agree that he was Andrew's boyfriend. It was stupid but still. The sight of Neil and that guy first gave Andrew such jealous, but maybe, there was one positive thing about the fact that Neil didn't swing.

Maybe Andrew wouldn't ever get to be with him, but at least Neil wouldn't leave for someone else.

Chapter Text

Andrew refused to let himself go off and see Roland this time. After the previous night at Eden’s he realized the others did in fact need a babysitter. Andrew could only think of all of the ways that guy could’ve hurt Neil.

Sure he had backed off once Andrew got there, but what if he was still off with Roland? Andrew knew the cruel and terrible things men could do to others.

Besides Neil was a magnet for trouble and Andrew had made a deal. He promised himself he’d skip this weekend’s trip to the back room.

They put found a table and Andrew quickly made his way to the bar. He was hoping to catch Roland and tell him not to be expecting him later, but of course, Neil had followed him.

Roland saw them coming and made his way over. He started in their usual drink order and leaned over the counter to say “I don’t have a break for another hour.”

“Not tonight” Roland took Andrew’s answer without asking why. He also didn’t argue. He simply took Andrew’s yes or no. One of the only reasons the deal was still ongoing between them.

Andrew didn’t miss the surprise on Neil’s face before it transformed back into his mask.

Roland asked Neil if he was drinking tonight and with a glance at Andrew he said “yes”

At least tonight wouldn’t be boring. It was a small sign of Neil’s trust. Andrew didn’t think they’d see Neil drunk but it would be more than his usual soda or water.

They began making their way back to the table and Andrew was careful not to spill a drop. If Neil was drinking, he wanted to save every drop.

They made their way back and Neil was the first to grab a drink for the change.

"Neil is drinking with us?! Cool" Nicky was already too excited about this. He wasn't worried about Neil giving into Nicky's peer pressure though. He would push Neil but Neil had no problem saying no to Nicky.

Aaron looked on in apathy as usual as he began chugging. Kevin picked up his shots and the night began like any other. Neil wasn't drinking as fast as the others. He was in fact still sipping on his first drink while the others were already on their third plus some cracker dust.

The others made their way to the dance floor but Neil was stuck in his chair. He slowly moved over to face Andrew and leaned in. He switched to German before asking, "why aren't you going with Roland tonight?"

Andrew could only counter with "why are you drinking tonight?"

"You said you had my back. You'll stop me from doing anything stupid and you're not sneaking off later."

Was Neil trying to show his trust in Andrew? He was so stupid.

"None of you can avoid any trouble. At least if I'm here I can do something about it."

"We managed to make it this far without you always watching over us."

"Barely."

"That's true for maybe Kevin."

At the vague sound of his name Kevin glanced over at them. He looked confused for a second before returning to looking at his phone and drinking. No way he could've heard his name clearly over the noise.

"He's not the one I had to rescue last week."

"Rescue? I was handling it."

"Liar. He only got the hint after I showed up."

"Whatever you say, boyfriend."

Andrew's heart clenched but he knew Neil was just joking.

Andrew didn't feel like responding yet. Neil seemed to get that he wasn't getting a response so he leaned away and finished his drink.

_______________

They were back at the house finally. Neil had drunk way more than he thought and Andrew guided him to his room. He was willing to give up his bed to Neil tonight. He could watch over him in case he got sick.

He thought back to Neil's careless laughing at Nicky's jokes. He had even left to dance briefly. He was alive and carefree. Acting under the full impression that Andrew had his back.

The idea of Neil's trust made Andrew feel warm. Neil, the rabbit, staying and trusting Andrew.

He couldn't erase the idea of Neil's smile. Of him laughing and teasing Andrew all night. Andrew couldn't take his eyes off of Neil.

The funny thing was, Andrew thought he saw Neil watching him too. Every time he laughed Andrew couldn't not notice him glancing in Andrew's direction.

Any animosity Neil had last week was gone. Maybe he was having an off night at the time.

Tonight had been so different. Neil demonstrated time and time again why he was a pipe dream. Why he was everything Andrew wanted and couldn't have.

He thought of Neil roasting Kevin earlier. Of his asshole comments to Aaron. How fierce he was defending his friends. How he could read anyone and figure them out. Andrew had only wanted to solve Neil, but it turned out Neil was much better at figuring him out.

He made up an air mattress on his floor while Neil slept quietly in his bed. He didn't trust Nicky not to make Neil uncomfortable like that first night. Aaron would never do anything for Neil. Kevin had already claimed the couch. Andrew just wanted to rationalize his decision.

There was a book sitting on top of Neil's bag. Andrew recognized it as a book he had been carrying around for weeks. Andrew guessed it was for class because he had never seen Neil with a book otherwise.

He looked at the cover and flipped it open. He started to read. The book was about two roommates at a boarding school during WWII. One was athletic and popular while the other was stand offish and smart. They were best friends. The one was jealous of the other and dragged his friend to a downfall.

Neil had highlighted something by a particular passage that read, "There was no harm in taking aim, even if the target was a dream."

Andrew instantly grew annoyed. How was there no harm in a dream? In the attempt to achieve his dream?

Andrew had tried before. He had tried fulfilling a dream of a home with a mother and father and look how that turned out. That had hurt him more than anything else.

He tried again with his twin. And now they were estranged.

How could he try again? How could he try for Neil? That letdown would be too much for Andrew. Dreams had only caused disappointment and pain for Andrew. He had promised himself. No more of it.

The dream was the only thing really worth having, but Andrew wasn't sure how he would recover from losing Neil.

Andrew couldn't help thinking Neil highlighted that with exy, beating Riko, or staying alive in mind. Andrew could only think of the statement as ironic. How chasing a dream could only lead to harm.

Andrew read more of the book and enjoyed reading Neil's side comments. Some were thoughtful but most were sarcastic. No matter what, he kept circling back to thinking about that one highlighted quote.

He couldn't help but think of Neil looking at him. Of Neil seeking him out. Of his concern. Andrew wanted to hope it would work out and that for once, he could have what he wanted.

His mind was at war with himself all night - would he let himself want Neil or not? Would he take aim in another dream?

Chapter Text

Andrew was dreading having to go to Nicky's parents house in two days. He was so stupid to promise Neil he would go. That he would agree if Neil went or some other ridiculous terms and conditions.

Nicky's parents were some of the last people in the world he wanted to see. He would rather sit watching Katelyn and Aaron pine over each other than sit through a dinner with Luther.

A misunderstanding. Maybe Andrew could call it a misunderstanding if he accidentally stabbed Luther when he would ask for something to be passed to him. Maybe he would realize how wrong he'd been.

Andrew never trusted anyone to begin with. Not after all he had been through, but the times he tried made it worse. Those ruined him. He tried telling Luther. He tried making sure Cass wouldn't foster anymore kids.

Higgins once again had brought Andrew to reality. To remind him the cruelty of the world was able to persist too easily.

Just thinking about the visit made him nauseous. Which was why Andrew was chain smoking outside of Eden's. He needed the cigarettes to calm him back down. The smoke was grounding and relaxing.

He honestly didn't care if Neil thought he was off with Roland. He just needed to clear his head. He knew Neil wasn't drinking again after last week and he would have to trust Neil to use his cell phone if something happened in the 15 minutes Andrew had given himself.

He was halfway through his pack before finally feeling himself calm down. He was glad Neil wasn't here to waste anymore of his cigarettes. Although Andrew was beginning to think Neil's blue eyes might be just as effective as the smoke.

He felt himself growing steadier in Neil's presence. He was able to manage himself on the medication and actually clear his mind. He finally had something interesting enough to focus on.

It was so dangerous. To place this much in a man who could evaporate at any moment. Andrew was sometimes convinced Neil was a ghost. When it was just the two of them he was so surreal, Andrew was convinced he could have dreamed Neil up.

He was too perfect. Too interesting. Too pretty.

It was going to be a disaster. Andrew secretly wondered what he would have to bargain Neil with to get him to stay another year. Andrew had his back this year, but would Neil want to renew their deal?

The number of things Andrew would let Neil take in exchange to stay was almost limitless. He was too dangerous. Andrew knew this would most likely end in his own destruction, but he wanted it anyways.

He could see Neil's staying as beneficial for everyone around him and told himself it was for that too. He wasn't even sure if Neil wanted to stay for anything besides exy.

He cared way too much about it, but Andrew slowly saw the change in Neil. How he was taking interest in other things. How he was beginning to care about his teammates past their abilities on the court. He was developing new interests. He wanted to talk to Andrew about non-exy things.

He was becoming more real in some ways. He was becoming less of a rabbit and slowly learning to stand his ground.

It was another quality that made him more unreal to Andrew however.

He finally felt okay and wandered back inside.

He found the table quickly and sat down.

"Where did you go? I thought you'd at least return with drinks?" Kevin only had a one track mind sometimes. Exy was on it usually, but clearly it was alcohol's turn now.

"You have legs Kevin" He looked surprised by this. Andrew almost never made Kevin go to the bar by himself as part of Andrew's protection, but he wasn't having it today. They weren't far from the bar and Andrew knew most of the people working tonight. He'd be fine.

"Kevin how does the role reversal feel?" Neil always found it so amusing when others would try to tell Kevin what to do.

He just gave Neil a dirty look and headed for the bar. Just Andrew and Neil now.

"Did Roland start smoking or something?"

"No"

"You smell an awful lot like cigarettes for just returning from the back room."

"That's because I wasn't coming from there."

"But you and Roland?"

"Why so curious Neil? Problem?"

"None at all. Just curious why you abandoned me to another riveting conversation with Kevin about new drills to try."

"Don't act like that wasn't the best part of your night so far."

"No, the best part was watching you make Kevin get his own drinks for once."

Andrew felt too satisfied by this answer. Why did Neil want to know about Roland anyways? Was he always this nosey with everyone?

Andrew didn't respond and played with the empty glasses left on the table. Neil continued to press "seriously did you guys just smoke the whole time?"

Andrew knew he wouldn't be letting it go anytime soon. "I smoked outside." He wanted to make it obvious for Neil who probably hadn't paid attention to the face that Roland had never even gone on break.

Neil's expression made it clear to Andrew everything was clicking into place. A tension in Neil seemed to ease out of him after that.

Interesting. Andrew didn't want to read into it, but maybe Neil had a reason for wanting to know.

"And you didn't invite me? Smoking is our thing."

"We don't have a thing and what you do is hardly smoking." Neil had recently been stealing Andrew's cigarettes. He seemed more relaxed by the smell too but Andrew didn't get it. He once said it reminded him of his mother, but Andrew didn't think she could've been anything special.

Still our thing? Did he even realize what he was saying? It just made Andrew want. He hated admitting he didn't mind Neil's company.

"You know it would've been better than sitting here."

"What would Kevin say if he heard that?"

"Oh fuck Kevin. He needs to find something else to talk about."

"Do you even know the hypocrisy of that statement?"

Andrew was daring him. He wanted Neil to show again how interesting he could be.

"If I can go the rest of the night without talking about exy, will you practice with me for one hour this week?"

Andrew couldn't say no to that. Kevin would also be pissed which was an added bonus.

"Deal"

Andrew gladly let Neil talk his ear off the rest of the night commenting on their friends, his classes, the different drinks he sampled last week, his current read, and places he wanted to travel to. Everything he said seemed performed somehow as if Neil had practiced this small talk to blend in. Andrew was still captivated by Neil's thoughts but especially when he began talking about his current read for class.

Andrew had almost forgotten about the book he read. The one from Neil's bag and it all came back to him now. The irony was not lost on Andrew that Neil was the one explaining that idea to Andrew. About how it was okay to want.

He added very little to the conversation the rest of the night but laughed as Neil roasted each of their teammates. He was more than willing to share all of this with Andrew for the equal trade. It was a nice break from their truths game.

He debated allowing himself to do this more often. But he was self-destructive not stupid. This likely meant nothing to Neil and it would just crush Andrew in the end. Just as he told Neil he needed a new addiction, Andrew thought the same of himself.

After he got through that dinner with Luther and Maria, he would focus on finding a new pipe dream. One less likely to destroy Andrew.

Chapter Text

They hadn't been to Eden's in weeks.

Everything that had gone wrong did go wrong. Drake had found Andrew and Andrew didn't want to think back to how that went. He was thankful to be off his meds finally.

While he was recovering from that, Neil was off being a martyr. For him. It made Andrew so angry to think about. How could he be so stupid? No one should do something like that for Andrew.

Neil now knew all of Andrew's dirty past. He knew what had been taken from Andrew and he still wanted to protect him.

How funny. The rabbit putting himself in harm for Andrew. Of all people. The guy who was supposed to have his back.

Andrew hated Drake even more now that he gave Riko the perfect opening to get to Neil. He had let Neil down. Neil did go willingly, but only for a stupid reason that was all Andrew's fault. He hated Neil for caring and for wanting to do what he could for Andrew.

He didn't want Neil to think he needed protection. Andrew had powered through it all like he always did. It hurt more knowing Neil put himself in danger for him and that it was all worthless.

That Neil now walked around with a 4 on his face with his blue eyes out for anyone to see. His features were distracting before but now they were captivating. Riko was doing his job too well of drawing attention to Neil.

Andrew knew with certainty that he would not be going to the backroom tonight. He had realized over their hiatus from Eden's that it felt wrong to Andrew to go be with Roland. He knew Neil didn't return his feelings, but he still felt wrong. Roland didn't care and knew what Andrew thought, but to Andrew, it was still wrong.

How could he leave Neil along again when the last time he had Neil went right to Riko? For someone so determined to survive, his survival instincts were clearly lacking.

Neil was still recovering from his time at Edgar Allen anyways. Andrew needed to be there to stop any trouble. He would not even tolerate Aaron pissing Neil off tonight.

Everything about being off his meds was putting Andrew on edge.

He did let Neil wander up to the bar on his own, which turned out to be a huge mistake.

Although Roland knew how Andrew felt, he clearly hadn't realized nothing was ever going to happen with Neil.

He hadn't thought anything of it when Neil sat down and frowned at Andrew. Like he was trying to solve something.

Which is what made Andrew get caught off guard when Neil asked, "Why does Roland think you're tying me down?"

Andrew instantly hesitated with the glass halfway to his mouth. If he drank it now, Andrew had a feeling it would come back up quickly. He needed a way out of this. There was no way he was revealing his feelings to Neil after all this time. He studied Neil though with his hands down, clenched to the edge of his seat between his knees. He was definitely curious and not letting this go. He had not looked away from Andrew once since he returned, as if seeing him in a new way.

Andrew placed the glass back on the table. What was he supposed to say? Because I made Roland do it and he knows I have a thing for you? No no no. He tapped the rim to a beat trying to think. He was distracted by what might happen if he told the truth.

Vague he would go with vague. "Presumably he thinks you're as bad at following directions as he is" and just to clarify a little, "Roland knows I don't like being touched."

"That doesn't answer my question." Oh yes it did Neil. That was all Andrew was willing to give him right now.

"It is the answer. Rephrase the question if you don't like it." Andrew cursed his drunk mouth. He shouldn't have invited Neil to keep pushing.

"I want to play another round. What's outside coach's pay grade?" Easily avoidable. He thought back to the conversation. Wymack had picked up on them a while ago. Or at least when Andrew returned. He was too perceptive.

Andrew shifted to face him prepared to give another evasive answer. The questions were no longer bothering him. "When coach signed us, he promised to stay out of our personal problems. He said the board paid him to be our coach, nothing more and nothing less."

Andrew could tell Neil wasn't any happer with the answer. Andrew was tempted to finally clue Neil in but only if properly prompted. "I didn't think I was a personal problem. You hate me, remember?"

Andrew wondered if Neil's persistence meant he wanted to know. Maybe for a similar reason.

"Every inch of you." Andrew watched the confusion take over Neil before "that doesn't mean I wouldn't blow you" slipped out. Andrew watched as everything finally made sense to Neil.

"You like me" was all Neil had managed to say in return. As if he needed more clarification.

"I hate you." Andrew had to correct him. Andrew watched as Neil made sense of this. He was probably thinking of when Andrew had given himself away through his touch and their conversations. By asking him to stay.

It was quiet before Neil said, "you never said anything."

Ha, Andrew thought this was hilarious. "Why should I have? Nothing will come of it."

It was what Andrew had been promising himself at least. Telling himself that to avoid any hurt or rejection.

"Nothing" was all Neil echoed in response.

"I am self-destructive not stupid, I know better." He wanted to signal that this conversation as over. He was done speaking of this. Neil hadn't rejected him but he hadn't said he wanted Andrew either. He hadn't expected much else.

Neil whispered an "okay" and continued to sit and stare at Andrew. He finally downed his shot and picked up his cigarette pack. He played with the package and avoided looking at Neil.

Neil told him it was Andrew's turn to which he only responded "I do not have to take it now."

Andrew disappeared into the crowd after that. He was exhausted and pissed at himself. How could he let his feelings for Neil come out like that? He had vowed to never say anything.

It was stupid and useless, but Andrew hoped Neil would think about it. Think and see something in Andrew that made him want to stay. Something that made Neil want him.

Andrew would give him space to figure it out, but he let himself hope for now. After all, Neil had gone to Edgar Allen to protect Andrew. He had come looking for Andrew after noticing his absence. He noticed Andrew like no one else ever had. He was seen and understood. Just maybe, Neil would feel something even close to the same.

Chapter Text

It had only been a few weeks, but he and Neil started having a thing. Since Andrew's announcement in Eden's a few weeks ago, their relationship had changed.

Neil apparently did swing. For Andrew only. Which he was totally fine with.

Except they were still keeping it a secret from their teammates. Instead, he traded Roland for Neil in the back room and things couldn't get better. They were having a great time. Neil followed all of Andrew's instructions perfectly, and they had trust. This was something Andrew hadn't built with anyone in a long time and maybe ever.

He couldn't believe Neil had agreed to this still. To the kisses and everything else that came afterwards.

Andrew only hoped that he would stay. He knew the year was coming to an end in a few months and dreaded the thought that Neil would run on him.

It wouldn't be different than anyone or anything else in his life if he did leave. It was a ridiculous notion to believe he would stay. There was nothing Andrew could offer him. So they couldn't have a thing. Andrew told Neil that as a reminder to himself.

You cannot build a life with a rabbit. Andrew trusted Neil but he was so scared. He finally had something good. Good things never lasted for someone like Andrew. He knew Neil had similar experiences, which was one of the reasons Andrew liked him.

It had been Neil's idea to sneak away from the group. They both left at separate times and would return staggered. Even though Kevin would be the only one who noticed. Kevin should've noticed something was up by now.

Andrew thought to their night practices as he and Neil had made it a habit to sneak off to the roof afterwards. Kevin never asked why Andrew hadn't returned to the room at the same time but maybe he didn't care or already knew.

"Andrew, yes or no?" Andrew missed Neil had been trying to talk to him. They had been making out in the back room for a while but Andrew got lost in his thoughts when Neil started to kiss his neck.

"Yes" He wasn't sure what he agreed to, but he knew Neil wouldn't cross any lines.

He watched as Neil slowly reached for his hand. He laced their fingers together and then lifted Andrew's hand to his mouth. He ghosted a kiss across Andrew's knuckles which were bruised from his latest session with Renee.

He felt a spark jolt through him when Neil's lips touched him. He reached out and tugged on Neil's collar. He wanted to taste Neil and just bring him closer. Andrew was acutely aware that Neil's hands hadn't moved. One was still entwined in his hand and the other was buried in his pocked.

He was too perfect. It wouldn't last was what Andrew had tried to tell himself. He was glad he could immerse himself in Neil until he left though. He would lose himself in the junkie.

Neil didn't know of Andrew's feelings, but Andrew was beginning to suspect Neil was developing some. He had made a few comments relating to Roland and the back room that made Andrew think back on Neil's behavior. Maybe he had been jealous after he realized the extent of his relationship with Roland. He might have, but maybe he didn't realize what it was.

Andrew didn't want to hope for two miracles. He was content for now to just be in this weird friends with benefits phase. It would never be that simple between them, but Andrew would take what he could get.

It had all been amazing and Andrew was so glad he had been stupid enough to say he would blow Neil. Nicky would die if he had heard that's how they finally got together. Nicky would die if he realized Andrew was gay at all.

Neil was kissing Andrew's neck and just touching the right spot pulled Andrew from his thoughts. His sole attention returned to the softness of Neil's lips touching this sensitive area on Andrew. It would kill Andrew if he stopped. He just wanted more and more. Neil was the one person Andrew might be able to over come his boundaries with. He weaved his hands through Neil's hair and pulled him even closer. They were entirely pressed together now. Andrew felt his skin heating with all of the contact. Instead of feeling disgusted, Andrew only wanted more.

The moment was broken when Neil's phone vibrated in his pocket. Neil backed off and a look of panic overcame his face. He had long gotten over any unease with using his phone, so Andrew wanted to know what that was about.

Neil quickly pulled out his phone and flipped it closed again. He wasn't relying to the message so it either wasn't important or wasn't Dan or Matt checking in on him. Everything Neil did was interesting including this. It wasn't unusual for him to not respond to messages, but the unease Neil seemed to have now was.

Andrew thought back to the last few weeks and remembered this look coming across Neil's face yet again while looking at his phone. There wasn't a good explanation, but Andrew didn't want to spend anymore time thinking about it when he still had Neil in the back room.

Neil offered no explanation for the texts and Andrew wasn't about to ask. Andrew watched Neil's expression relax when instead Andrew asked, "yes or no?"

Chapter Text

Baltimore had come and gone. Somehow, Andrew had been lucky enough that Neil was still here. As they approached Eden's Andrew recalled being curious about Neil's text messages. He wishes he would have asked back when he first noticed. Neil likely would have lied, but maybe Andrew could have figured it out and protected him. He wished he could've spared Neil that pain and also the panic he himself felt.

If Baltimore was good for one thing, it was making him realize how important Neil actually was to him. The words, "thank you, you were amazing" would haunt Andrew constantly. He felt so much for Neil, he didn't mind outing himself to the team. Who cared that they knew about him and Neil?

Honestly, he only benefitted from them all knowing. They walked in towards Eden's and Andrew was able to tug Neil closer to him and rest his hand on Neil's back as they walked through the busy club. He no longer had to hide his emotions or desire to touch Neil.

He and Neil got the entire team drinks. Roland only gave Andrew a knowing look when he saw his hand on Neil's back. He was even bold enough to say, "I guess my slip up worked out in the end, huh?"

Andrew rolled his eyes in response but couldn't even pretend to be annoyed. He didn't want to stop himself from feeling content. Even if a part of him screamed this would end. Andrew just couldn't see how. No one else was after Neil and there were no secrets between them.

The team worked their way through the drinks. Since Baltimore, the team had bonded like never before. He and Aaron were even on their way to working things out because of Neil. Of course Neil would meddle enough. Of course he would be clever enough to find a way to unite everyone. Andrew hadn't felt such peace in years. Maybe ever.

Andrew allowed himself to hope for the first time that things would be okay.

All of the sudden he felt a tug on his sleeve. Andrew turned and saw Neil leaning towards him, "hey you okay?"

Andrew was pulled from his thoughts as he watched the different club lights flicker over Neil's face. "Yes or no?"

With a smile, Neil told him yes. Andrew pulled Neil even closer for a brief kiss. He didn't care if their teammates saw. He was just content for once. Neil was his. They were safe. Andrew was forever thankful they'd been able to move past that first night at Eden's to this moment now with all of their friends surrounding them.