Chapter Text
Farmer Boldwood had always prided himself to be a man of great patience and humbleness. His actions were never irrational, his thoughts carefully calculated and his personal feelings were kept under a blanket of control. Things had changed though, since he had met Bathsheba Everdene.
He tried not to dwell on his own former standarts which he had carelessly thrown out of the window when he marched along the drive of her farm, her house getting smaller behind him. His whole body was shaking with a bone deep rage which was making his blood rush in his ears, causing him not to hear her voice as she called out to him.
“Mister Boldwood, wait!“
Bathsheba kept calling his name until she reached him and stood before him, out of breath from running. He stopped but refused to look at her. The young woman found her knees shaking in distress. The evening had been an absolute disaster! Boldwood had been a regular visitor at her farm these days, checking on her. Over the past few weeks of this new year they had grown closer, her feelings for him slowly morfing into something she had been afraid to speak until now. But today, her long lost husband Frank Troy had returned. He had reclaimed his chair in her house and tried to send Boldwood away. The gentleman had refused to do so, unless the lady of the house wanted him to and Frank had started insulting him in the most abominable fashion. Bathsheba had stood between them, powerless to do anything. Boldwood had taken the tirade with the bravery of a knight, his teeth gritted and his eyes burning as he bid them goodnight. Then he had left.
After Frank, ever so keen on keeping traditions had grapped a bottle of liquor and put his feet up on the table Bathsheba had decided to do something about it. She would not endure the same state of weakness in the eyes of men again. So, she had run after Boldwood, calling out to him to wait.
He did even though she could see the unbearable pain and anger in his eyes. When the man spoke, his voice was trembling.
“He's supposed to be dead. How dare he return now?“
She stepped closer to him, partly to make him look at her, partly because of the cold. The light of the lantern weakly illuminated his features, twisted in anger and dispair. A part of her wished to reach out and touch him but his pain was so intense she could feel its waves reach for her. It scared her and made her feel even more guilty.
“Oh, that frevelish devil! Destroyer of my hopes!“
“Mister Boldwood-“
He let out a dry laugh but it sounded as if he were wounded.
“It is what I deserve, is it not? I have been a fool for reaching out for something which was never mine to have!“
“William!“
Just as she said his name she reached for him, her hands finding the sharp edges of his face. It made him stop. Suddenly, the world had stilled. The wind was quiet, the trees were merely whispering. She pushed into him, their breaths mingling. Their kiss was soft and light. Bathsheba barely registered the sound of the lantern tumbling to the ground. Boldwood's arms encircled her body, drawing her closer to his warmth. She thought she might cry. His embrace made her feel safe as never before. He had said that he would be willing to protect her for the rest of her days, and even though Bathsheba thought of herself as far from a helpless woman she couldn't help but think it might be far from bad to at least consider his offer. As for Boldwood, he felt like he was in a dream, kissing her back as if she was all the air he would ever need to survive. It could not be real, surely he was dreaming. He held her tighter, not enough to hurt her of course, but in an attempt out of sheer desperation to convince himself that this moment was not simply a product of his imagination. When they seperated to draw breath, it was so dark they could barely see one another. Bathsheba blinked and spoke her truth into the darkness of the night.
“I love you“
She heard him gasp softly against her.
“And I'm sorry for not telling you this earlier but I couldn't. I wasn't ready. But I am now, I am. To be honest with you, when you stood before me, offering me your heart I was afraid. I was afraid that it would be a burden for me but I was wrong. It would be an honour for me to be loved so completely by someone so noble, so strong and so kind as you.“
He was quiet for a while and she felt her stomach twist in fear that she was too late. Perhaps he was done waiting for her and would finally move on. God knew, any other man would have by now, such as Gabriel Oak had. The breeze cut into her skin and as if he had sensed it, Boldwood reached up to cup her cheek with his warm hand, shielding her from the cold.
“Bathsheba, darling“ He murmured.
She covered his hand with hers, giving it a squeeze. She had to convince him how serious she was being. She had given him more than reason to doubt her in the past after all. She had caused him more pain than she could have ever imagined, too young and too foolish to understand the full impact for her doings. But she would use her remaining days to soothe and heal whatever wound she had inflicted upon him if he let her. His silence was dreadful for her but she knew she had no right to object. He was probably even more scared than she was at the moment.
“You...you must go back to your husband now.“ His voice was shaking but she was sure it was not because of the cold. She could feel tears welling up in her eyes at his words. He was sending her away because he was every bit of the gentleman she had met a few years ago. William Boldwood would not continue to pursue her when she was married to someone else. And it broke her heart. He slowly let go of her but she caught his hands again, trying to hold him back. She knew it was wrong to so but she couldn't help herself. She was torn between letting him go and finally setting his aching heart free and hold him to her to be the woman she should have been to him years ago, gentle and caring and loving.
Boldwood felt as though he was to stomp out the last flame of a fire keeping him warm during a stormy night in the open. She was not free, he had been a fool to give into that false hope caused by rumors that Troy had died. He did his best not to ponder on what kind of man this mad eout of him, what dark and evil spot of his soul had been leading him down this path but more so, he would do the right thing and let her go back to her very alive husband. And now she said she loved him. Now, that their feelings were meeting in the middle, life was tearing them apart again. He swallowed to keep himself from letting out a sob at the immense pain that ripped through his chest. He felt barely able to keep standing upright with her holding onto his hands as if to hold him back from leaving. His heart felt caught in an odd place between a comforting warmth and a pain so profound it would surely kill him within days. But he was a man of honour and pride. So, he pulled away for good, picked up the broken lantern to take it home and perhaps have it repaired or keep it broken forever in the cellar where no light would ever touch it again.
“I bid you goodnight, Mrs. Troy“.
With that, he turned and disappeared into the darkness, taking every step with more force than before to keep himself from turning and running back to her.