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You don’t deserve love.
You don’t deserve anything.
You
Are
Going
To
Die
A
L
O
N
E
That is your destiny.
It’s too bright. That’s one of the first things that Catra notices as she sits on the floor, back pressed hard against a rock that’s almost crumbling around her. It’s too bright, and yet the shadows in the room are creeping up her arms and over her skin. It’s too warm, too hot, and yet there’s a distinct coldness inside of her, mixed in with every shuddering breath that she takes. It’s too light too dark too hot too cold too good too bad too much, and she closes her eyes to escape from it all.
You really are obsessed.
Aren’t you?
Kitten.
She had trusted them.
She had trusted them.
She had fucking trusted them.
There was maybe just a little love set into that trust too, and Catra winces as a feeling of anger rises in her throat, a scream tearing itself from her mouth before it twists and turns into a sob, racking through her body as her eyes start to water. Tears slip down her face, leaving the taste of salt on her tongue, and they fall to the ground with a soft noise that she can barely hear.
She’s been through this before.
Alone.
Crying.
Abandoned.
All of her love lost and destroyed and shattered before her eyes.
Adora.
The name races through her mind, and Catra grips her head at the memories that come along with it. Clasped hands, soft touches, plaited hair, hidden laughter, a future that was so sure. A world that was so sure and clear and perfect and gone.
A love that was so sure
so clear
so perfect
so gone, just like everything else.
Just like everyone else.
They didn’t b e l i e v e in you.
Didn’t t r u s t you.
Didn’t n e e d you.
L
E
F
T
Y
O
U
Everyone always leaves.
Everyone always comes. Loves. Cares. Holds Catra so tight, tells her things that keep her happy, keep her safe, keep her naive. And she’s happy: or, almost happy. Enough to believe that it’ll last, that it’ll work, that she’ll finally win.
And then.
And then.
And then it leaves.
It leaves and it leaves and it leaves so unapologetically, letting her shatter and break and fall to pieces with no one by her side to pick them up, with no one to take her shaking hands and pull her away when she’s so close to ending it all, with no one to lace their hands in her hair and cup her cheeks and brush away her tears and tell her it’s okay.
You will be okay, Catra.
It will get better.
Y o u w i l l b e o k a y.
“You promise?” The words fall from her mouth before she can stop them. She doesn’t know why she said it, really; it’s not like there’s anyone else there. She’s alone, save for Hordak unconscious under more rubble than she cares to look at. But it feels important to say. A distant memory, of herself shrouded in a blanket that itched at her skin, of Adora kneeling in front of her with caring eyes, of a glitching simulation and red and blue lights and Adora’s hand sitting softly in hers, holding onto her in a way that made it seem like she’d never let go.
She can still feel it.
The softness, the warmth, the love that Adora’s touch had given to her.
The feeling of being loved.
She misses it.
The feeling of almost, almost, almost being enough.
She’s never enough.
Never smart enough.
Never strong enough.
Never good enough.
She’s never fucking enough.
She wants to be enough.
And she thought that she was, this time. She thought she’d found someone. She thought she’d won.
She was so close to being happy.
So close to having a future.
She was so close to Double Trouble, close enough to see the light in their eyes, hear their whispers as they spoke, feel their hands trace her cheek and neck and pull her closer and closer until they were finally together, pressed up against each other in the dark.
It had been a secret, for a while.
She hadn’t minded.
It had been fun, kissing in secret, touching skin in the dark, letting herself fall deeper and deeper and feel, wholly and truly and in a way that she hadn’t felt for so long. Letting herself be happy in a way that she had needed to desperately.
It was a mistake, she supposes.
She can see that now.
Maybe she’s better off alone.
There’s a small part of her that’s telling her that she’s not. That she can come back from this. That she deserves love, she deserves so much love, and that one day she’ll finally find it.
She wants to believe that.
She thinks that she needs to believe that.
But it’s so difficult, so hard to feel like this can ever get better, so hard to feel like she’ll ever be happy again.
Her eyes squeeze closed even tighter, each breath that she takes shaking her body and sending jolts of pain through her, shocks of agony that flare up and then dull down into an overwhelming ache.
It’s like every part of her is screaming with pain.
Heat is burning at her skin, tears are stinging her eyes, and the loneliness inside of her is leaving her as nothing more than a broken empty void.
But did you ever stop to think?
Maybe they’re not the problem?
She doesn’t want to admit it.
She really doesn’t want to admit it.
But she supposes that Double Trouble was right, in a way.
Maybe everything really is her fault.
Maybe she deserved everything that she got.
Maybe she really is broken.
Maybe.
She doesn’t deserve to be better.
It’s you.
You drive them away, wildcat.
And the unspoken words in between.
All of your pain is your fault.
All of this is your fault, Catra.
So how are you going to fix it?
She winces as there’s a flash of bright light somewhere in front of her, and she blinks her eyes open to see a mess of pink hair and a flurry of sparkles that she couldn’t mistake if she tried.
She doesn’t say anything.
There’s nothing to say.
All that leaves her mouth is a soft noise of discomfort as her hand slides out from under her and she slips to the side a little, regaining her balance almost immediately with a sceptre now pointed in her face.
She breathes out, choked and painful, and averts her eyes as Glimmer stares down at her with a rage that she can’t be bothered to match.
It’s quiet.
Catra waits.
She knows this is the end.
And strangely, she doesn’t care.
Her eyes flutter closed again, and her ears twitch as Hordak shifts and Glimmer speaks from somewhere above her, voice laced with amusement.
“Guess you wanted my attention all for yourself. Your troops are gone. You’re all alone. You’ve lost.”
Everything is g o n e .
You are a l o n e .
You’ve l o s t , Catra.
In some weird way, it doesn’t bother her. It hurts, it’s making her mind fall to pieces with every new thought, but it’s nothing new. She’s used to the pain.
She just wants it to be over.
“What are you waiting for? Do it.”
The world is spinning, her eyes are shut, her hands are gripping her legs so tightly that she’s almost tearing through her clothes and she just wants it to be fucking over.
Somehow, she’s glad she’s alone.
She doesn’t want anyone else to see her like this.
But she can make an allowance for Glimmer. Glimmer is okay. She’s beginning to realise that; they aren’t so different after all.
“Looks like we’re both alone, sparkles.”
It’s quiet again, soft and almost peaceful.
Until.
Glimmer is screaming.
Glimmer is screaming, and Catra scrambles backwards as Glimmer’s skin lights up with intricate patterns that weave their way up her arms, spreading over her neck and face within seconds, and a rainbow bursts out from her, licking at her skin like flames.
She’s on her knees, eyes staring into Catra’s pleadingly, and she speaks.
Words that Catra’s heard before.
“Adora was right.”
Adora was right.
She’s sick of hearing it.
“Light Hope used me! She activated the Heart!”
She doesn’t understand. Glimmer is winning, she’s winning, she’s getting e v e r y t h i n g that Catra has ever wanted. So why doesn’t it feel right?
“So? I thought you wanted to win. Use your weapon.”
“I can’t! It would destroy
e
v
e
r
y
t
i
n
g
!
I have to try and stop it.”
And Glimmer breaks into a run, stumbling and tripping and holding herself so tightly that Catra thinks she might break.
Follow her.
A small voice in the back of Catra’s head.
You need to watch what she does.
Follow her.
So she does.
There’s just something. Something she needs to see, needs to know, needs to feel, something that she needs to watch Glimmer do. She doesn’t know what it is, or how she knows to follow her, but every inch of her body is screaming at her to not let Glimmer out of her sight, so Catra runs and grips onto her cape and follows her out of the room, holding onto her for support.
It gives her a strange sense of stability.
(Who would’ve ever thought that Glimmer could make her feel safe?)
Suddenly they’re stopped, Glimmer wrenching herself out of Catra’s grasp, rushing forward with another scream of pain.
And now Catra knows what she needed to see.
Glimmer, crying.
Glimmer, on her hands and knees, firing everything that she’s got at the black garnet.
Glimmer, who has ruined everything.
Glimmer, trying to be better.
Trying to make things right.
Trying
to
be
better.
Adora’s voice echoes in her mind, soft words of reassurance and love and a desperate want to help, Catra, please let me help you, before the voice turns into her own, words that Catra finally tells herself.
You d̶o̶n̶’t̶ deserve love.
You d̶o̶n̶’t̶ deserve a̶n̶y̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶ everything.
You
Are
Going
To
Live
A
N
D
B
E
L
O
V
E
D
This is your destiny.
You will be better.
(You promise?
I promise.)