Chapter Text
“I mean, I’m comfortable with it about myself.” Fenneko’s fingers clicked across her keyboard, typing out her thoughts in English. “I can say it and not feel guilty about it. I’m a lesbian. I like women. I’m not denying that. But I just don’t know what to do with it now.”
Fenneko slumped back in her chair and waited for her American friend to reply. She liked having online friends like this to talk to. Especially about topics like this. This friend specifically, KittenSmitten, or Sarah, lived thousands of miles away. Talking with her wouldn’t have any effect on her local life.
That came in handy when it came to topics like this. As independent as Fenneko liked to come off as, she would probably have exploded from the inner conflict and denial without someone to talk about her sexuality to. But she couldn’t talk about it with anyone in real life. Not that she thought Retsuko or Haida would hate or out her for it. But she didn’t want that knowledge affecting the her offline life.
“Well now, obviously, you find a girlfriend,” Sarah slyly replied back through the messaging client, also in English. Another upside that came with having a friend like Sarah was that Fenneko actually had a use to practice and use English more often. And Sarah would get the same opportunity for Japanese.
“That’s easier said than done,” Fenneko rolled her eyes. “I’m not in some homosexual paradise like New York. I can’t just walk down the street and find a girls only bar to go and date girls at.”
“Alright, point taken. I get it, everywhere’s more conservative over there. But if you seriously want someone, then you need to find someone somehow. You do want to find someone, right?”
“Yes, yes I do.” Fenneko replied. “But I’m not even sure where to start. I can’t go asking around. Ask the wrong person, and next thing I know I’m fired from my job the next day. It’s a delicate balance.”
“Hmm well it’s definitely possible. I have another Japanese friend who managed to find herself a girlfriend. Let me ask her how they met.”
Fenneko sighed as Sarah shifted her attention over to another person. Did she really want a girlfriend this bad? She never really saw the point in finding a love, especially in today’s economy. But she thought similar things about friendship during highschool. Then her life got ten times better for her when she met Retsuko and Haida. She hated to admit it, but she had that longing for interaction with others.
“Alright, I’m back,” Fenneko was snapped out of her inner thoughts by the ping of a new message at her computer. “So turns out, she met her girlfriend through a dating app called Sakura Garden.”
“Sakura Garden?” Fenneko blinked and thought about that name. “You don’t normally grow trees in a garden.”
“Apparently it was developed by an American who just thought the name sounded cool. It’s a dating app with complete and total anonymity.”
“Anonymity in a dating app? That kind of defeats the purpose if you ask me.”
“Well it apparently picked up huge traction in Japan with men loving men and woman loving woman for that reason though. This way you can throw yourself out there without actually throwing yourself out there, if you catch my drift.”
“So I don’t get seen by anyone nosy who just so happens to be browsing that app?” A couple of names at the office immediately came to Fenneko’s mind.
“Exactly. I don’t think you really have anything to lose by trying it.”
“My dignity, I could stand to lose that. If I use this app then I’m admitting that I’m not able to go out and find a girlfriend on my own. I’m saying I need the help of someone else to do it and submit to societal norms.”
“Ok, one, you’re a woman looking for another woman. I think that’s about as anti society as you can get when it comes to dating. Secondly, you’re stalling.”
“Alright, alright,” Fenneko sighed and tapped her fingers on her desk. “I’ll download the app and give it a try. Will that make you happy?”
“I think it’s more about making you happy~ ;P”
“Yeah yeah, leave it to the American to get into foreign business and think they know what’s best.” Fenneko was more amused at her own comebacks than annoyed at her friend’s persistence at this point.
“Well I gotta log off and get ready for work.”
“Alright. Thanks for everything. Have a good day.”
“Oyasuminasai!”
Fenneko grinned at Sarah’s final reply as she logged off of the chat. That was the one downside to having American friends online: both of them couldn’t talk to each other more than a few hours a day unless they adopted some really bad sleeping habits.
Now all that was left was the app. She had downloaded it on her phone while the two of them were still chatting. Presently, she was just staring at the icon. As much as she tried to play that she was against the idea, Fenneko did actually want to find someone she could at least have a romantic interest in. With a final sigh, she pressed her thumb to the app and watched it boot up.
Like Sarah said, this app seemed to favor the anonymity of its users. It didn’t ask for much information. Just a desired screen name, her own gender, what gender she was looking for, and confirmation that she was over eighteen. Other than that, there wasn’t much to the “profile” that the app made for her. She didn’t even choose an icon, it was chosen for her. A random flower it seemed. She got a rose.
There seemed to be two major functions to the app. The main one was the chat roulette function where you would anonymously be connected with random users on the app to talk with. And if you liked them, you could ask for their profile and then message them directly. Simple enough.
Finally Fenneko tapped chat and let the magic begin.
She found that what she expected come to like. The first people she connected with all either immediately asked to see her tits or did so after the first few messages. Some even going as far as to post phone numbers or other accounts for her to send the pictures to. Fenneko honestly wasn’t phased by this, typical online chat stuff.
There were a few legitimate people on the app who actually seemed like women looking for women. Unfortunately, after a bit of chatting with them, they all weren’t right for her. Some were just too eager to meet irl, which she wasn’t ready to do yet. Others seemed to have a personality that she just didn’t want to be around. Getting frustrated, Fenneko decided to go into one last chat before turning in for the night.
You: Hey
You: Sorry ahead of time if I’m irritable
You: I’m just about to give up
Her: That bad a time, huh?
You: That easy to tell, is it? Yeah, I haven’t been having the best time here.
Her: Let me guess, nothing but catfish and pervs?
You: And a couple of just incompatibilities too
You: But yeah, mostly fakes only wanting some free pornography from me
You: Same for you?
Her: Yeah, that’s just kind of how it is on here, unfortunately
Her: Just have to wade through the dicks to get to someone good
Her: Best option there is though
You: Well you don’t seem like a catfish thankfully
Her: Oh? How can you tell?
You: Well it’s been more than five messages and you haven’t asked to see my tits yet
Her: My record is seven
You: Eight, but no competition
Her: Well let’s talk about each other here, instead of just our bad experiences
This was more than Fenneko expected to get from this app. Not only did she get an actual person, as far as she could tell, but this one seemed at least somewhat likable. If anything, she’d have something occupy her for the rest of the night at the very least.
You: Alright sounds good.
You: You wanna start, or should I?
Her: Well why don’t I ask the ice breaker? I’m usually the one that does.
You: Ah, so you’re a more proactive girl.
Her: Well aren’t you perceptive ;)
Her: Ok, let’s go for an obvious one
Her: Have you ever had a girlfriend before?
You: None. I don’t know where to start looking
You: I mean, obviously aside from here
Her: So you’re hoping to find someone?
You: Isn’t that why everyone’s here?
Her: I don’t know. Do you think that‘s why most of the people you met earlier were on here?
You: Point taken
You: Yeah, I’m on this sight in a desperate hope to look for someone
Her: Well so far you don’t seem like a creep, so I’m sure you won’t be that desperate.
Fenneko’s hands stayed on her keyboard at that line. She wouldn’t be desperate. Was she being flirted with?
You: Well right now I’d just like to talk with someone without feeling like I’m being looked at for something. Does that make sense?
Her wording there had been intentionally deliberate. “Looked at for something” not only implied sex, but also implied being looked at as girlfriend material. It was almost a test of sorts, seeing whether or not the other person could pick up on her double meaning there.
Her: I get it. Well I’ll do my best not to seem like I’m just trying to get your number.
You: Hard to get a number when you don’t even know my name.
Her: Oh, so you want to be on a first name basis now? :P
You: No, not really. Right now after the last few creeps I’d prefer not to say.
Her: Yeah, this place is good for that. That’s honestly why I like this app. I don’t have to hide how I really am.
You: Are you trying to warn me about something here?
Her: Nope, just saying in my experience, this app can be great for talking about someone without worrying about what they think of you.
That bit made Fenneko’s mind race. There was too much to process in those last few lines. What signal was this girl trying to send to her? Did that last line imply that she didn’t like her self image, or was it simply a way to get her to trust her by opening up her ‘vulnerabilities?’ The fact she couldn’t get the answer was enough to make her press on.
You: Well a lot of people tend to think of me as odd, so I guess this is a good place for me.
Her: So far you seem pretty normal to me, unless now you are trying to warn me here!
You: I don’t think I need to warn you about anything. You already know why I’m here.
Her: To get laid, right?
You: I thought you said you weren’t one of the creeps?
Her: Sorry, bad joke. :P
Her: But yeah, I totally know where you’re here
Her: The fact that you’re still talking to me must mean you’re considering me potential girlfriend material, right?
You: Well I certainly haven’t ruled you out yet
Her: I’m glad you haven’t. You seem fun!
Fenneko had to stop for another second. She felt, genuinely relieved that this stranger had said this. She didn’t know much about her, but at this point she didn’t want her to leave. Fenneko couldn’t get a read on her. She was usually good at that, especially online. That is what kept her wanting more from her.
You: You’re certainly not too bad yourself
You: Ok, my turn to ask something
You: How do you feel about your life right now?
Her: Huh
Her: Never been asked that before
Her: Let me think for a second
Her: Ok, well, obviously there’s more I want
Her: I think there’s always more that someone could want
Her: But with what I have, I’m relatively satisfied
Her: I only work my job because I have to, but I don’t absolutely hate it
Her: I’m good at what I do. I even do some things at the office that I don’t need to but help
Her: I always want more free time, but I make the most of what I have
Her: Though, I wouldn’t mind someone right now to share it with
You: You seem to have a relatively realistic, yet positive outlook on life
You: I respect that
Her: Are you not the same?
You: I’m realistic, but I think I’m more pessimistic than you
Her: Aww I wouldn’t say that
Her: After all, you’re right here aren’t you? That means you’ve got to have some hope for things
Her: How’s your life in general?
You: Without giving too much away, similar to yours I guess
You: I have a job that I’m not too fond of
You: But to make it more bearable, I have two really close friends there
Her: Do they know?
You: Know what?
Her: About why you’re here of course!
That made Fenneko sigh and slouch in her chair. She wasn’t someone to outwardly have regrets, but that was her biggest one. She had told absolutely no one she knew in real life that she was homosexual. Not even Retsuko and Haida. She was afraid, afraid of what they would think if she told them. She couldn’t bring herself to be realistic about it at all.
You: No. I don’t really want anyone I know personally knowing
Her: Do you think they’ll hate you if you tell them?
You: Honestly, no. I’m actually sure they wouldn’t think too much differently of me
You: But there’s that small what if that’s always there
You: That what if keeps me from even trying
You: Pretty pathetic, right?
Her: Not really
Her: Give yourself more credit, because I know you’re braver than you think
Her: The fact that you're here in the first place shows that
You: Thanks
If there was something that Fenneko was extremely thankful for, it was the fact that you could hide your emotions in your internet speech. Otherwise this other woman would have heard the stagger in her voice and seen the blush on her face.
Fenneko wasn’t used to this kind of positivity about this. When she first started discovering the way she felt about woman, Fenneko felt ashamed. The world she grew up in taught her that it was just something for freaks and perverts. She didn’t want to even talk about it because she felt like it was so wrong.
Sure, Sarah was the one that helped her come to terms with it, but it was different with her. Sarah had made it clear that she was straight, but still accepting of Fenneko. Plus she was from a socially liberal country, in an especially liberal part of that country no less. But this woman was clearly Japanese. She was from the same place that made her closed down so long about her sexuality, but was accepting and encouraging of her.
What was this feeling? It felt so warm. Her heart was going faster than normal. Should she call the doctor? Was something wrong with her? No. This was...love.
“Calm down, Fenneko,” She said out loud to herself. “This is just infatuation. You’ve just met her. Talk with her some more before you make judgement calls like that.”
You: You know, it’s really nice to hear people say things like that
Her: I understand, I really do
Her: I just want to help people like us be happy
Her: We all live in a world run by old, regressive, idiots who don’t understand anything
There was something about that line that stuck in Fenneko’s mind. That was the understanding of their society that she had. But, either nobody else had it, or they just wouldn’t say it. Not only did this woman have those understandings, but she was open about saying them. Fenneko felt her heart grow faster.
You: Yeah, I feel that
You: You’re a great person for that
You: So um, I’m new here. What now?
Her: Now, we share accounts if you wanna talk to me again
You: I would like that
The next message that popped up was a request. It read She wants to know your Flower, followed by an accept or decline link. She hit accept, and then suddenly the names changed. Fenneko’s was now Rose146, and hers was now Azealia637.
Azalea: Well I have to turn in for the night, I have work in the morning.
Rose: Me too, actually.
Rose: I’ll message you when I get a chance.
Azalea: I’ll be looking forward to it!
Rose: And hey
Rose: I’m glad I met you tonight
Azalea: Me too!
A message saying that Azalea logged off for the night appeared. Fenneko just sat there, looking at the empty screen. She found herself wishing that it wasn't empty, that she wasn’t the only one in this chat room. This was a strange feeling for her. She had never had a crush before. Sighing, she closed the app and went to take a shower for work tomorrow.
~~~
“You seem awfully happy today, Fenneko,” Haida commented as he carried a stack of papers past Fenneko’s desk the next day at the office. “What, did someone that you hate just post that they were in the hospital?”
“Yes, but that has nothing to do with my mood,” Fenneko dryly replied as she copied numbers into her word processor.
“I’m going to agree with Haida here,” Retsuko said lowly enough as to not attract the attention of a certain boss who had it out for her. “You’ve seemed more upbeat than usual ever since we got to the locker room.”
“Well I’m glad to know that a more positive appearance from me is cause for concern from my friends,” Fenneko’s eyes were locked on her screen the whole time, adding to the stoicness of her voice.
“I just wanted to know if there was something special going on or anything,” Haida rolled his eyes and walked away with a half smile on his face.
“But seriously Fenneko,” Retsuko decided to follow up. “Did something happen? You normally only seem this happy when something bad happens to someone you don’t like.”
“Yeah, I guess you could say something happened,” Fenneko finally broke connection from her screen to look at Retsuko. "But don't worry, nobody's suffering, if that's what you're wondering."
Retsuko would have pressed on if she didn't hear a snort from across the room. Fear took hold inside her and she instantly turned her attention back to her computer. Later, she would scream about this in the bathroom.
Fenneko worked constantly until break. She didn't want to admit it, but she knew she was in a good mood today. She especially didn't want to tell anyone why. On break, she was finally able to message Azalea.
Rose: Hey, on break
Azalea: Oh hey! Me too!
Rose: What a lucky turn of events
Rose: Seems my day won't suck after all
Azalea: Hold that thought for a second. I need to go get something
Rose: No problem
Just then, Fenneko noticed Tsunoda walking across the room. She groaned internally. Tsunoda was such a fake kiss ass. She did everything for attention. She was so shallow it made Fenneko sick.
So naturally Fenneko watched her the whole time. She had gotten up from her seat to go to Anai. She gave him a couple yen and he gave her a bento. She fluttered her eyelashes, which had no effect on Anai but infuriated Fenneko, before sitting back down and typing on her phone.
A second later, Azalea messaged.
Azalea: Ok back
Fenneko was about to message, but her fingers paused as something clicked in her head. "Wait…"