Work Text:
I tried calling out your name
It feels like my voice could reach you
It feels like my heart could reach you
Please open this closed door
Come back to me
It starts after he comes back from the army. Well, that’s probably not true, but it’s only after that it seems that his feelings become somewhat intentional, or that he becomes more aware of them. It’s good to have a concrete starting point, something he can look back at and improve from. If you find solid ground you can always go up from there. He has always been like this, he likes it like this, doesn’t do good with ambiguities that just cause him unnecessary stress. It would be a lie, he thinks, to say that there had been something there from the moment they have met, they have lived together comfortably for years, to say the least, but perhaps it had merely been that he wasn’t even aware that he was allowed to think that way, let alone dare to see any of his teammates like that. And even if that wasn’t the case and it just hit him one day, he has been told he can be quite dense, there is no point in dwelling there.
Not when he knows he can’t shake this feeling off.
He is ashamed to admit, he did try pretty hard.
*
Hyung stops eating.
He thinks he starts noticing it before most of them.
Still pretends not to notice his manager's silent begging before the performance starts, silently checking the microphone again and again, so much so that one of the tech guys silently hands him a new one during the first solo break because his battery light is on.
*
Yesung Hyung keeps bothering him.
Well, not Yesung hyung or something that he does, but his mere presence becomes something he cannot help but take notice of. He starts poking and prodding, like a preschooler pulling on the pigtails of his crush or pushing them down the swings on the playground. There is a sick kind of joy in it, love just blooms and overpours when hyung starts cursing, hi eyebrows crossed, face pinched tight.
He keeps going, telling him he is old now and will get wrinkles is he keeps making faces like that.
Things fly in the air.
Teukie Hyung pulls him aside and says “Hyukjae-yah, I know you are not like that but its starting to look antagonistic on camera so please stop.”
*
They dunk Donghae into the ice-cold water because of course, they do. They are crazy and a bit manic and always out of control and well, they need the ratings never mind that its freezing cold outside.
Yesung hyungs laughs echo throughout the studio, loud enough to reach to the heavens. But he is the first one to reach out for Donghae, towels already at hand, warm, steady worried.
Donghae, the affectionate fool, laughs and laughs.
Eunhyuk watches and ponders.
Somehow finds himself thinking that it wouldn’t have been the worst if he had taken the punishment in Donghae’s stead if it meant having Yesung hyungs warm arms around him like this.
*
If the owl PD has a fucked up sense of humor, they don’t see it on a daily basis. And honestly, it’s a great idea for an idol group to shoot We Live Together, considering most live in dorms together already anyway and haven’t spent years creating defense mechanisms that would allow them to avoid room partners they didn’t want even if they were choosing them by playing games or just throwing room numbers in the air.
The hyungs are silently avoiding each other, and the rest are silently avoiding them after the initial chaos of the decision to bunk them together.
Over the years there have been a couple of times they have witnessed them sharing a room, none Hyukjae can remember, had particularly positive outcomes.
They are too old to be locked in the same room together, know each other too well for proximity to change anything. Or so they claim as they keep each other arms apart, avoiding physical contact like the other carries a deadly virus unless its during the concerts.
Having subteams have made it easier for Hyukjae, not that he has problems with bunking with anyone in particular, though you don’t need Heechul hyung or Kyuhyun playing a game at 4 am when you are supposed to be up in two hours and Ryeowook can be particularly picky. But for years, unless they had rooms of their own, which is the case for concerts most of the time because even if their popularity is dwindleing they still have a status to keep, he has shared rooms with Donghae.
Donghae is safe and familiar.
Comfortable.
Grinning across the room in quiet acceptance because he is doing this with Shindong hyung who will make him feel comfortable and make it funny at the same time.
Lucky bastard.
*
Heechul hyung looks at him straight in the eye after a couple shots and tells to fucking stop if he doesn’t fucking mean it.
That’s the problem though, what does he want it to mean, really?
*
It happens so slow that sometimes he wonders if it’s happening at all. What he is sure of is that by the time the teasing becomes intentional – not quite as long after he would like to admit- he is far too gone.
He has never been too cautious when it came to the matters of heart, so more than anything it is the newfound fear that scares him. Whose heart he is scared of breaking, he is not quite sure.
*
Black Suit is right up his alley, to be honest. He was a bit worried, like anyone he thinks, with two of their main vocals gone but Donghae has stepped up beautifully, he feels like a proud father. And Yesung hyung, he is just mesmerizing.
He makes fun of the tone of his voice but,
just mesmerizing.
*
He would like to say that the army has changed many things in his life, as it does for all men. And to some extent he supposes, that is true, but the fact of the matter is, more than anything, it has made him realize how settled his life really is.
It’s funny because from what he had heard before, he pretty much expected the sudden realization and the panic attack associated with facing hundreds of guys 10 years younger than them, already living more stable lives that they can hope to have in the foreseeable future if everything works out well for them. For an idol, the army is quite the place to come to terms with the fact that you are not married or with children, nor likely to be in the normal timeline for people around you. It also makes you realize how fleeting your popularity is, how little time you have left to shine on stage when people who are younger and more talented than you keep trying to push you over it.
For him, it is pretty much the other way around.
With realization comes peace and contentment.
He realizes that all along he had been where he had wanted to be, with people he loved and were loved by.
Super Junior had been always where he had exactly belonged.
*
“Hyung please eat something!”
“They fight like this whenever they meet” quips Heechul hyung, the members of Momoland giggle.
But they are right, Yesung’s lips really do look ashen.
And that’s the only reason why he can keep looking at them without feeling guilty.
*
Donghae starts staring a lot.
So it becomes quite hard for him to act like he isn’t aware of his feelings. They have spent years together, closer than most siblings and even some couples probably, of course, he is aware. Donghae may not be very bright but he has always had a wisdom about him when it came to the matters of the heart. Honestly, at this point probably Changmin even knows.
Late at night after the cameras stop rolling, with only the stray mosquito they couldn’t manage to catch as their background noise, Donghae comes and lays down next to him, the ends of his hair still wet and tingly against the bare skin of Hyukjae’s arm.
It’s warm and humid.
He is so tired that he feels nauseated.
“You can write about it,” Donghae ponders. The diary he is given is open on the nightstand, now it has become a mission to lay down his innermost feelings.
For ratings.
“Or you can write a song?”
“Hmm..”
But these people, he knows he can trust.
He shuffles down so he can put his head on Donghae’s shoulder, an arm automatically comes around his torso, strong and secure like an octopus.
*
He decides to stand out. Be brave. It comes and goes occasionally, he has come to accept it with open arms at one point, embrace the courage when it came and be grateful to let it go when it wants to leave. The way he carries himself changes accordingly but you adapt to it, that’s life. It is better to live this way than to wither under the weight of other people's expectations or even worse, your own.
In the hair shop Jongwoon hyung raises his eyebrows in silent protest when he sees the neon green radioactive goo in noonas bowl, his eyes resolved fixed on whatever he is reading on the screen of his iPhone, but he remains silent otherwise. He thinks there is a silent understanding in his eyes, perhaps if he looks deep enough he will see the silent questions and a million expectations but they are careful not to make any eye contact as Donghae barges in with purple eyebrows.
So what if he is feeling this way? They have known each other for so long. He doesn’t think that at this point there can be any more surprises that will hinder his emotions or cause a change of heart. If his heart has made this final leap... if he has fallen for someone he has cherished for so long it must be a final decision.
But what if hyung doesn’t feel the same?
No... what if it doesn’t last? What if they are not allowed to? He has seen it fall apart, Hangeng leaving the country to never come back again, Zhoumi, Sungmin hyung chose the wrong way and lost his career for it. It’s hard, though he feels bitter that they didn’t come first, how can he blame him for falling in love? They are old enough to take responsibility of their own actions. But can he give up his hyung for hyungs sake? How would that even work out?
Like it is better to be like Heechul hyung and Jungsoo hyung who go through all the girls around them just to spin right back into each other's arms? Their denial and pain ocean wide?
It’s funny after all the backing from Donghae and the drinking sessions in which Heechul hyung filled him up with alcohol until his secrets started spilling over, it is actually Yesung who makes the first move. Daring to name something that has existed between them for years now.
“Jongjin says that Rome is really romantic in the fall.”
That word really should have no reason to freak him out like this. He wants to say something, and really he should be jumping with joy at the suggestion, jumping at him but the timing, people are waiting, fans are waiting, they are in the middle of a comeback.
This shouldn’t be rushed.
What if he got the wrong impression?
What if?
What if?
The moment passes him by, he is dragged to the stage, the stylist forcefully tugging a bracelet up his wrist as they go.
*
Donghae and Heechul hyung offer identical looks of disappointment after, how the word reached Heechul so fast he doesn’t know but if it’s possible, his gaze is even more piercing through the ultra hd screen of the phone.
Jungsoo hyung hugs him, the trophy still at hand, and tells him to be strong.
*
Busan is cold and bright and brilliant.
He is weary, bone-tired and feels so very young and energetic as the crowd sings along, thousands he was so sure that had forgotten them but who welcome him, welcome them, back with open arms.
Their songs soar, pierce through the sky.
It really feels like a miracle.
After, sitting in a half street half-covered bar he looks at the faces of his members. The maknaes who are trying to outdrink each other in the corner. Siwon who is busy on the phone but also smiling and nodding along to something Jungsoo hyung seems to be telling him. Shindong hyung lining up shots, secretly pouring more soju to Kyuhyun’s beer to make Ryeowook giggle like crazy.
Donghae sits between them, head upon the table, sleeping like a baby almost right after the second cheers.
And Yesung hyung.
Cheeks warm and pink with the cold and the alcohol and the adrenalin of singing in front of tens of thousands.
They have, in their hands, all that they have dreamed of.
His lips are pinker than his cheeks.
Why can’t they have it all?
Jungsoo hyung catches his eye and nods slowly, understanding, encouraging. Telling, asking, no almost begging him to reach out and grab that eternal moment of happiness.
The barbeque in the middle of the table is still on, pleasantly warm.
His belly is full, the smell of meat is still in the air.
Ryeowook is laughing in the background, so very bright and full of joy as Kyuhyun stumbles over his words, protesting.
He turns back to Yesung hyung, whose eyes shine like diamonds, who has had a full meal for once, some sauce still on the corner of his very pink month.
He is exactly where he wants to be, doing what he wanted to do all along.
Except this one thing.
He takes a deep breath, and it’s the soju and the beer he knows but a small, lazy smile spreads across his face. If there is a small indication of alarm in hyungs eyes, he is too far gone to notice, he has already closed his own.
They are ok.
They are safe.
No matter what happens, he won’t regret this.
Not caring about crushing Donghae under his weight, he comes in closer.
He tastes like all Hyukjae has dreamed of and more.
*
Perhaps somethings are not to be rushed in.
Yesung hyung doesn’t come down for breakfast.
He lets Ryeowook and Donghae feed him as he tries so very hard smile at them, tries not to show the disappointment swallowing him.
Neither buys it he thinks.
But neither comment on it either.
*
He is restless.
Or perhaps fidgety is another word for it. Running on raki and RedBull and sheer force of will to make his sister smile. A little manic too if he is being honest with himself. His feet don’t quite touch the floor and he can’t gulp down anything he drinks properly but the weather is great, the view is great and the holiday is just. so. Great.
So he texts Donghae.
Did you talk with Jongjin?
Seriously they suck at choosing the right places to holiday.
This is why you should research in advance.
Everyone knows it’s the rain season.
It was even on the news.
You know Venice.
Not Rome.
But it’s close enough.
I bet hyung will get sick again and ruin the Bangkok concert.
Do you think he is taking care of himself?
I’m asking for the team you know.
And Teukie hyung.
I cannot deal with Teukie hyung if anyone else gets sick.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knows its before sunrise back at home. But Donghae, sweet, considerate fool answers anyway.
Call him.
... nope.
I know Jongjin is sending you photos.
-Hyukjae, call him.
They have not talked about it, not since they came back from Busan, finished their schedules and went to their well-deserved breaks. It was his family who wanted to come here but it feels wrong somehow, not to be in Rome just mere hours away. It feels like a childish revenge.
And really that’s all he has been doing, acting childish. Childishly bothering the man he is freaking in love with, childishly waiting and playing and backing away, childishly getting drunk and kissing him as if he is still messing with him, as if its all some sort of a sick joke.
Teuk hyung was right, he is being antagonistic.
He doesn’t write all of these down, but D onghae is his best friend, he probably knew it all even before Hyukjae realized just how immature he was being. His phone lights up again.
Please, Donghae’s message reads.
Get it together is silent, but Hyukjae is adult enough to admit his mistakes.
*
His sister looks at him for a long while, silent and angry. Then the anger slips away as silently as it came.
Family and friends.
They are surrounded by those who will support them unconditionally, regardless of the external outcomes of their decisions.
Jongjin sends a question mark, the nervous sound of the Katalk message echoing in the otherwise silent hotel room.
He sends Jongjin an affirmative and books the first flight he finds out of there.
*
He doesn’t really know how he gets to the hotel from the airport or meets with Jongjin in the hallway. Jongjin looks at him and laughs and laughs as he gives him the keycard, informing him that his big brother had been asleep when he left the room ten minutes ago.
There is a make him happy or I’ll kill you speech that he misses, too focused on his heart beating in his ears.
He is sure he will hear a dozen more in the upcoming days, surely it doesn’t hurt to miss one.
Everyone seems so sure that they can be happy if only they let themselves be. Hyukjae isn’t one to care too much about what other people think, but he wants to believe that they are right at this.
He hugs Jongjin who pushes him away in search of breakfast and goes down the corridor to meet his fate.
He knows he loves Yesung.
He knows he is loved by him.
The rest will follow too.
*
During the last bow of Day 1 of Bangkok SS8, he takes Yesung hyung’s hand in his, fingers interlocking. Sweaty, disgusting and surely covered with glitter and whatnot. Under the gaze of thousands who don’t know about their little secret and under the gaze of their members from whom they could never hide anything, Yesung hyung smiles warm, goofy, full of love. He grips his hand tighter, Hyukjae knows they will never ever let this go.