Work Text:
There would be no perfect journey anywhere
It’s more important to be happy
I’m fine as long as you’re fine
Forever me and you
The more they spend time together, the more he falls apart.
In the background Kyuhyun and Donghae are furiously arguing over some silly game, all exaggerated and high on happiness as Ryeowook and Heechul hyung silently egg them on. The sun is high in the sky, everyone dressed in piercing white. It’s been a while they spent so much time together.
Next to him, Jungsoo hyung lets a long breath out, eyes closed, head tilted towards the light like a sunflower, a soft well deserved smile spreading across his face as he listens to the increasingly loud voices of the younger ones. The lines of tension around his eyes relax away as well, faint specs of BB cream their only indicator for that moment alone. His hair is a deep blue, this comeback half the members seem to be going through various shades of it from Leeteuk hyung to Kyuhyunh to Siwon and somehow it feels like there was no blue left when it came to him and ash is what he is left with.
In front of them, Siwon and Hyukjae walk with fast steps, Siwon’s arm swung over Hyukjae’s shoulders, both fo them giggling over something Hyukjae is showing Siwon on his phone.
He bites his lip, sitting a bit closer, feet restless as Jungsoo hyung brings a hand up to his knee without opening his eyes, grip firm and soft at the same time and brings a head full of dark blue down to his shoulder. The world around them stills, Jungsoo hyung hums a soft tune. He adjusts his posture slightly, hoping if hyung comes close enough, perhaps some of the vibrant blue will stain.
*
It is at the Music Bank recording Yesung casually mentions, that Jongjin thinks Rome is very romantic under heavy November rains. Hyukjae doesn’t respond for a second, eyes slightly unfocused before offhandedly answering that he should definitely take his brother there.
They are on standby before he can answer.
Later, as the trophy is handed around his sweaty fingers touch ice cold ones and Hyukjae moves his hand away in a lighting flash, grin still on his face but something in his posture stilling.
Surely it is not because of Yesung.
(But what if it is?)
*
This deep gnawing sadness in him... it rarely goes away even with his members now. For years, he thought he would be ok as long as the background noise was there. As long as Heechul hyung yelled and Kangin cursed and Ryeowook and Sungmin kept singing lullabies in increasingly high notes. They were always there, Jungsoo hyungs hugs and the maknae line who lived next door almost half their lives with their constant nagging. Ryeowook always barged in bringing food and Kyu with the alcohol ever since they made him drink that shot of soju when he came of age. There is silence most days now, all so very busy with schedules he can’t even contemplate doing.
He is a singer, that’s all he has wished to be for so long and became. The things his members do to allow him the opportunity to sing... it makes him sick to his stomach that he is never content, that he always wants more without giving none of himself.
Donghae and Hyukjae do their best to bother him whenever they are in the same country... which is not always because they are always promoting somewhere, and if they are back in the country Yesung is sent away somewhere, their promotions he knows are designed for optimum profit and not to keep them countries apart but it stings, like a paper cut it stings each time they go on stage without him.
He refuses to be jealous of what they share, not when he has had the maknaes to support him for so long... but not since they went to the army, not since he had to deal with all of it on his own. And really he was fine for such a long time, doing everything, giving his all and even enduring the never-ending taunts by Hyukjae.
And perhaps it lasts until Ryeowook comes back with a bright smile on his fresh face or even until Kyuhyun comes in the recording booth and hugs him tight. He is not resilliant like Ryeowook or as gifted as Kyuhyun and its not true they say but its such an awful feeling that he can’t get rid of it no matter how many stages he stands on with or without his members.
Singing is always what he had wanted to do but he is never enough.
He feels so alone.
He thought that there must be something more to it, surely, the constant bothering and imitation that never stopped, but he must have been wrong because it never went beyond that. And Hyukjae was always much more closer to Donghae anyway, they spent soo much time together just the two of them.
He doesn’t even know when he started paying attention to Hyukjae, when calling his members started to become exclusively dialing his number in the middle of the night. And he always answered too, replied in that horrible, monstrous Yesung voice but he listened.
Yesung hadn’t even known what he needed to talk about so much.
But for a long time, it didn’t go beyond that. Not really. During Super TV he kept bothering Yesung and then went to snuggle against Donghae during the breaks, heads smashed together as they used precious little time to prepare for comebacks and concerts so that when the shooting was over they could go home and sleep.
At night Hyukjae answered the phone, let Yesung talk as he wanted while he ate, both absently following a football game on TV, the sound turned off.
Hyukjae kept imitating him.
Irritating him.
(Not really, he kind of likes it.)
*
After Hyukjae decides that it's his duty to bother him, whenever Yesung goes to the shop to get his hair done, he follows him around like a chick. Hyung, I need a haircut, hyung lets get a hydrating mask my hair is so dry, hyung should I dye my hair lime green? And of course each time, hyung must buy me food... no, not the cheap street food, hyung take me to an expensive restaurant, I know hyung must know so many of them.
And of course, they must always order two or more meals because he can never decide what to eat and must taste them all. It must have been Leeteuk’s idea or maybe even Heechul hyung’s to set Hyukjae on him, Hyukjae who is always so willing to take care of anyone and everyone if he sees something amiss. Hyukjae who is so easily swayed by little acts of kindness, though Kyuhyun is much more closer unless he has a schedule abroad. He has so many of them these days, is that why?
He thinks Hyukjae even likes it sometimes, going all around Seoul with him restaurant hunting because if he is going broke trying to feed Hyukjae he might as well get to see some cool places. There is this goofy smile on his face sometimes when Yesung drags him to some cafe or the other to try new beans and perhaps they will grab some cake too and he will not feel awful for eating it because Hyukjae was sharing it with him, that stupid warm smile on his face all evening long. Tired to the bone from dancing so hard for some recording or other but content.
Yesung can’t help but to watch and smile along.
At night, the one sided phone conversations continue.
*
(Heechul hyung says, take him out for some drinks.)
*
One evening he goes to watch Hyukjae fly.
Jungjin holds him tight as he spends the night crying unable to stop, unable to sleep, drowning in emotions he dares to investigate enough to name.
(He doesn’t.)
*
Knowing Brothers is tolerable this time... his members are not ones to make the same mistakes twice. Though they nag at him and make fun of him Heechul and Leeteuk are always there to defend their younger members and it takes Ryeowook one careful look of their surroundings before he goes to an attack mode immediately.
It reminds him of old times, back when Ryeowook bit hard and if there was any lash, Yongwoon bit back harder. But their maknae has changed a lot since his army days. Not to get him wrong, Ryeowook always fought his battles ferociously, but there is a confidence about him he can’t help but envy now.
Kyuhyun is high on his victory on Masked Singer, he is humble but happiness splashes over all around him and when Ryeowook is asked about it during recording, he has to close his eyes and swallow back bile, praying to the heavens they don’t ask him next.
Later, he falls asleep next to Ryeowook in the car.
It’s Hyukjae who shushes Kyuhyun and makes them turn off the radio.
*
The maknaes are back, fiercer and stronger than ever. Heechul hyung is absent but supporting them all the more because of guilt, and for the very same reason, Jungsoo hyung is acting more maternal than a tigress just given birth. For all intents and purposes, he should feel calmer. Safer.
(The turbalent waves in him won’t stop.)
*
He offers Mirror for the Hidden Stage poll, so sure that it won’t get chosen.
This time, he imitates Hyukjae.
He laughs and laughs, then sings his heart out, unrecognized emotions begging release.
After the recording is over, they go back to the company giggling all the way as Donghee slowly narrates the whole song over and over again.
(What to do, indeed.)
*
He gets the flu halfway through the promotions. Wookie and Kyu are as supportive as always, perhaps even too eager to cover for him... no. Why does he have to taint their pure intentions like this? Why is he so easily swayed?
Spotlight is cruel, fickle and easy. It goes to whoever pays the most attention. There are those like Heechul Hyung and Siwon, it seeks them like a desperate, wanton lover even if they dont try.
It is cruel of him, he has spent years watching Heechul hyung struggle, scream his throat hoarse, bleed and sweat so hard he looked half a ghost at the end of the day. He remembers him crying in agony whenever he was forced onto a plane during their tour in Latin America, clutching Yesun’s shirt, his breast long stickly wet from tears, snot and drool, whimpering.
Still he looked more beautiful than anyone on that plane.
Shined brighter not inspite of but even more with the sweat and tears.
But there are also those who claw their arms out for some attention from this cruel mistess, Jungsoo hyung has been fighting a constant battle of survival for years on end and what can he say but that he never had it in him to even try hard enough?
He just wanted to sing.
He is content with just singing.
(But that’s a lie.)
*
They spent the night in Busan drinking.
Donghae sandwiched between them, long asleep, somehow lips find eachother.
Cruel.
(Hyukjae doesn’t answer his phone after.)
*
Hyukjae says he is going to Athens because a Europe trip is long due. The words are too bitter in his mouth to point out that he has already asked, no he must have more pride than that.
They have known eachother for nearly twenty years.
At this point, this is plain stupidity.
Which is nothing new for him.
(The dissapointment is very new though and hardly bearable.)
*
He books the tickets to Rome anyway.
Because he has worked hard enough, got to hold a trophy in his hands once again, he deserved it.
(Even if he didn’t, he should take Jongjin.)
*
He doesn’t sleep on the plane but tells Jongjin that he does.
*
Rome is ... gloomy.
Like the cloud in Pink Panther, his sadness follows him. They walk and walk and walk until Jongjin starts crying saying that he can’t feel his legs, until the blisters on his feet bloom with sharp pain and blood flows.
He takes a deep breath under the rain.
Lets it go.
(That’s a lie too... not that he will ever tell.)
*
On the third day, as he returns from the bathroom in a little bistro somewhere way too beautfiul for him to belong in, forcing the bile back down with sheer force of will and a willful smile on his face that he refuses to let go of even if it costs him his life, he catches Jongjin on the phone, furiously whispering.
He sits back down, legs protesting, the smell of chese and cream nausiating now.
His hands start fiddling with the wine glass.
Bitter.
“Who are you talking to?” he whispers.
His brother is too busy to answer him, but the conversation is obviously about him so it must obviously be one of his members who are never close enough but never far away to keep their noses out of his business either.
“Oh? Oh... what? Don’t worry hyung, I will make sure he eats.”
“Donghae?”
Jongjin nods, pulling the phone closer as Yesung reachs for it to say hi and hurriedly says his goodbyes citing international rates. There is a redness to his cheeks that would be worrying to Yesung if he hadn’t made his brother walk hours on end under heavy rain, as it is he feels too guilty to dig in further and ask why his team is making his brother spy on him.
He starts talking about the street they should visit after dinner to take some nightlife photos and Jongjin lays his head down on the table, defeated, sofly cursing at someone who Yesung can’t quite name.
*
There is a knock on the door in the morning.
He wakes up grumbly, all limbs aching without abandon when he realizes that Jongjin will not move his ass to open it.
In fact, Jongjin is not even in the room.
Feet drag on the floor, his collar bone is naked and cold under the old sweater he threw on before he went to bed last night more than half drunk.
He opens the door while yawning, ready to curse Jongjin for forgetting his keycard as soon as he can close his mouth.
On the other side of the door, looking wide awake, Hyukjae offers a hesitant smile.
There would be no perfect journey anywhere
It’s more important to be together
I’m fine as long as you’re fine
(As long as yeah)
Forever me and you
Somebody new, somebody new