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"I still can’t believe you’ve never done this before, Angel.”
“Really Crowley, exactly when would I have had an opportunity to do something like this? And with whom?”
“I don’t know! Y’like humans well enough. Figured you’d have been tempted by one or two in six thousand years.”
“Tempted by a human? Oof, do you think so little of me? Why the very idea of it-“
“You’re tempted by everything else, don’t see why this would be any different.”
“That’s rude.”
“Uh, Demon.”
“Retired demon, my dear. And it’s still no excuse.”
“Yeah yeah yeah, all right, I’m ever so sorry for slighting your angelic honor and besmirching your reputation.”
“Don’t apologize if you aren’t going to mean it, Crowley. If you used your head for more than ‘sowing seeds of discord’ you’d realize being tempted by a human is far too messy. Imagine the paperwork if I got caught fraternizing with humans in such a scandalous manner.”
“Aaaguh there you go with that word again. Way to ruin the mood, Aziraphale. Fraternize. Hate how you say it, I really do.”
“You’re not still angry about that are you? I did apologize. Leave it to you to hold a grudge for one hundred and fifty years, you dramatic thing.”
“Drop in the bucket those years, just like yesterday for me.”
“Crowley, as much as I enjoy a good debate I can’t help but feel like I could be doing something more productive right now. You know, I recently found a terribly rare copy of- “
“Yes, fine. We’ll ‘get a wiggle on’ as you’re so fond of saying. Now pay attention ‘cause I need to show you how it works.”
“Isn’t that quite over the top, dear? I think I can muddle through.”
“NO, Angel. Absolutely not! Can’t just ‘muddle through’ something so delicate. One wrong move and wham! you've thrown your back out or start bleeding or-“
“You know those things don’t affect us, Crowley.”
“Never know, Angel. You. Just. Never. Know.”
“There’s no need to be so ominous.”
“Big ominous fan, me.”
“Right. “
“Right. Let’s get on with it. Give me your hand, I’ll show you what to do with the balls. Roll them around a bit, don’t be shy – can even use both hands if you like. Good, that’s very good, Angel. Now give it a nice, firm squeeze. Feel it tightening up?”
“Yes, but-“
“No buts, Angel.“
“But you’re doing this on purpose! Miracling away pain when it’s an accident is one thing but knowing I’m going to cause you harm is quite another!”
“Bah, harm schmarm. A little pain is fun.”
“Oh dear, do wipe that wicked look off your face. Even if it won’t hurt you, what if I want to do this with someone else? I don’t want to hurt them on purpose either.”
“And just who, pray tell, are you going to be doing it with?? Other angels?”
“Good Lord, no.”
“You can’t mean – other demons?”
“Heavens no, Crowley! I meant humans.”
“Were y’not just thirty seconds ago moanin’ about paperwork and fraternizing?”
“Yes, but that was before retirement. I can fraternize all I want now.”
“Oh, right, yes of course. You’ll just, what, go up to a couple random humans and proposition them, will you? ‘Excuse me miss, would you like to play with me?’”
“It seems to happen that way in those films you like watching. Rather spontaneously too – sometimes without consent even, though I suppose it is implied since everyone seems so enthusiastic...”
“I can tell you right now, Angel, it never ever happens like that with strangers.”
“But the films -“
“Stop saying “films” like it’s a dirty word, Aziraphale. Call them what they are!”
“Porn-os?”
Crowley made a noise that sounded much like a wounded goose and sputtered, “Rom-coms! They’re romantic comedies and you know I only watch them for the angst! Never even make it to the happy endings!” His tirade would have continued on for much longer had he not spotted the sly smile on his angel’s face.
“I take back what I said at the Ritz – you're not just a ‘a bit of a bastard’.”
“Is it because I’m a complete bastard?”
“Take the fun out of everything, you do. Can’t even insult you properly.”
*Thwack*
Crowley really wished he hadn’t shown Aziraphale how to make an icy snowball. “Gaaack, what was that for?”
“You’re supposed to show me all the fuss behind snowball fights, and moving at a rather slow pace, might I add. Thought I’d just get the ball rolling.” Aziraphale hummed in amusement at his own terrible joke.
A little too carelessly, Crowley replied, “Oh, all of a sudden I’m not ‘going too fast’ for you?”
Aziraphale’s smugness faded, turned wistful. He reached out to brush snow from Crowley jacket where the snowball had connected with his chest. “I guess apologies only go so far, don’t they my love?”
“I’m...I didn’t mean – look Angel, I’m sorry. I take it back.”
Instead of responding, Aziraphale leaned forward until his forehead was resting on the demon’s shoulder, hiding his face. Crowley draped his arms loosely over Aziraphale’s shoulders and tilted his head so his lips brushed against the angel’s ear, whispering, “I love you.”
The first time he said it had been an accident. They’d been drunkenly arguing about something or other, leading Crowley to begin a sentence with “If I didn’t love you, I’d...” Aziraphale had turned pink and soft and they’d spent the rest of the night cuddling on the bookshop sofa like a couple of saps.
Saying it after that had been difficult. It wasn’t because of his demonic nature; he just didn’t feel like three words were enough to express how much he loves one prissy, stubborn, adorably dickish angel.
Crowley said the words anyway, at least until he could find better ones.
Aziraphale muttered something unintelligible, his face still hidden against Crowley. That wouldn’t do at all.
“Hey Angel? I know a new idiom I could teach you, yeah?” He was rewarded with a small nod.
Pressing a light kiss to Aziraphale’s temple, Crowley leaned in close once again and purred in his most seductive tone, “Payback’s a bitch.”
Then he miracled a load of fresh snow and ice down the back of his angel’s shirt and trousers.