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It's the week before Christmas when Tony presents the idea.
Drunk off of two cranberry vodkas and a few too many piña coladas, Tony suggests that they all do a Secret Santa. It's good, innocent fun, he says. Nothing can go wrong, he says.
It all goes wrong.
~
December 19th. 10:27 am.
Natasha tiptoes in the hallway, heading towards the kitchen. Her socks barely make a sound as she moves towards her target. Slowly, she comes to a stop just around the corner, breaths near silent and laden with intensity.
Her target is (badly) singing "It Don't Mean a Thing" by Ella Fitzgerald and Duke Ellington. She notices how he sways along with the music, totally enraptured by the crackling, crooning sound of Fitzgerald's sonorous improv coming from the kitchen speakers. Must be a gramophone recording, then.
Natasha tiptoes back out of the kitchen, having gathered enough information to make a decision. Before she leaves the compound completely, she sneaks to her target's room to make sure he doesn't already have what she's looking for. Luckily, he doesn't. She smiles to herself. Easy peasy.
As it turns out, it is not easy peasy to find a genuine, antique, made in the 1920s gramophone in New York. All the one's she's run into are fakes, and she's becoming increasingly frustrated. Of course, Natasha is more than willing to travel the world for the gift, bit she'd really rather not to.
All of the local sellers claim to have real gramophones, but nothing fits the bill for what most likely was around during the time period.
But... there are antique gramophones that aren't for sale. Now, Natasha is not above stealing if it's for a friend. It's kind of thrilling, actually. So, Natasha does what she does best and goes undercover.
Once she's established her temporary identity, she heads to the National Jazz Museum. She walks in like she owns the place, and nobody passes her a second glance. Perfect.
Based off of her research, there should be a back room just behind the wall of saxes. Hidden in the back-left corner of the room should be a priceless gramophone. Once she gets it, she'll be able to discreetly cut a hole in the ceiling with her precise laser pen and escape through the roof. She'll place the ceiling piece, sticking it together with some of Tony's magical glue. (It's not actually magical glue, but Natasha doesn't really care to learn. It works, and she's satisfied with that.)
Her plan goes off without a hitch, and she's not even trailed by security guards.
Once back in the compound, Natasha stores the gramophone in her closet, underneath piles of clothes.
Later that evening, as the team is eating dinner together, there's a breaking news story. Apparently, a priceless gramophone has gone missing. Oops.
~
December 20th. 1:07 pm.
Bruce is doing yoga, having finished lunch not too long ago. He's in his downward dog pose when he ponders what gift he should get. Mentally, he profiles his person.
He's kind and funny, so a gag gift could work out. Then again, Bruce wants to do something more meaningful, so the gag gift is out of the picture. His person is also quite helpful. He loves volunteering his time and assisting others, but he seems to prioritize the mental health of other veterans before his own. Bruce can work with that. He finishes his yoga routine, takes a shower, and heads to the living room to gather more information about his recipient.
When he gets there, he sees his person making his favorite gumbo. While he doesn't look sad, he's not exactly happy, either. He seems to be lost in thought, most likely remembering a less than pleasant memory. But, one taste of his gumbo is enough to bring the familiar shine back in his eyes. Bruce smiles. He has an idea.
It is now five p.m. and Bruce is at the end of his rope. How is it possible that there is not one soul food cooking class in New York? (Well, that's not exactly true. There is one, but the receptionist was incredibly rude. There is no way Bruce is going to give her his business, ever.) After almost four hours of searching, Bruce almost wants to give up.
As he drives down the road back to the Tower, he sees it: a small Mom and Pop restaurant hosting a few cooking lessons soon. It seems promising; it's also a little pricey, but at this point Bruce is willing to spend any amount of money to get what he needs.
When he enters, he is immediately greeted by an old married couple. (Though, they're both women, so Bruce supposes he should call it a Mom and Mama shop. Semantics.) They tell him the story of their lives: how they met in the 1930s, before gay marriage was legalized. How they fought for rights, for their love, until they were finally allowed to be themselves without persecution. And, how they shared and passed on recipes withing the LGBT community. Each recipe has a story worth telling, they claim. They seem like the perfect couple for his recipient, so he buys five lessons.
Satisfied, Bruce heads back to the Tower. He makes himself a small dinner, has a cup of tea, and goes to sleep.
~
December 21st. 8:30 am.
If only Steve had as easy a day as Bruce. Alas, as Captain America, he was bound to get into unsavory situations.
As Steve drinks his post-workout chocolate protein smoothie, he feels two arms curl around him, one soft and warm, the other cold and metal. He hears the light thunk of a head being rested on his shoulder blade and feels the delicate kiss placed on his neck.
"Hey, Buck. Sleep good?" he asks.
"Slept fine," Bucky responds. "Why'd you wake up so early? You took all the heat with you, punk." Without even turning around, Steve can tell that Bucky is pouting.
"You'll be okay, ya big baby. Anyways, I'm goin' shopping today, for Secret Santa. Wanna come with?"
"Not really, no. Just wanna go back to bed with you." Bucky wordlessly pulls Steve back into their room. Steve lets him; it's not everyday that Bucky feels this touchy, so he savors every moment he can get.
A few hours later, the two head to the garage. "Where're we goin'?" Bucky asks.
"Egypt. We've got some shawarma to find." The two take one of Stark's many planes (it's not like he'll need them all) and set autopilot to Cairo.
In order to, quote, "find some shawarma," the two must first pass through customs ("You don't look like Steve Rogers," the official says while comparing his passport photo to him. "What do you mean, 'I don't look like Steve Rogers'? I am Steve Rogers!" Bucky has to physically restrain Steve from showing the guy a piece of his mind.), then fight bandits ("How the hell did we manage to find a fight out here in the fuckin' deserts of Egypt?" Bucky asks.), and finally, prove their worth to a bunch of old widows ("I'm sorry, but I don't know what you're saying?" Steve says. "Stupid children!" one responds, but neither of the stupid children understands her.).
Finally, after trials and tribulations, Steve has found what he was looking for: the recipe for the most authentic shawarma he could find. "Take that, Egypt!" Steve shouts. Bucky gives him a conciliatory pat on the back. The two head home.
~
December 22. 1:26 am.
It's getting increasingly closer to Christmas and Bucky is stressing out. He still doesn't have a gift for his gift recipient, and there are mere days until the exchange.
Unable to fall back asleep, Bucky gets up and walks around the Tower. He spots his target, sipping on what appears to be a cup of Jasmine tea. A memory comes to him, unbidden.
(Pain. There's so much pain and no one in this goddamned room will help him. He's going to die, but he's gonna take as many of these fuckers with him as he can.
Then, the next round of shocks start. He sees the man administering them without a care. He sits there, sipping his fancy imported teas as if he's not currently torturing an innocent man. The Asset Bucky's eyes narrow. When he's free from his programming, he will find and kill this bastard.)
Bucky knows what needs to be done. Four hours later, he's successfully killed a man and taken his tea collection. It warms Bucky's heart to see the world lose on more Hydra agent. By the time he makes it back to the Tower, it's only five thirty. He smiles, and heads back to bed. Hopefully Bruce doesn't mind drinking a dead man's tea. On second thought, maybe Bucky won't tell him how he got them.
(Bucky knows he needs help, that vengeance isn't the answer, blah blah. He'll wait until after Secret Santa to see a shrink.)
~
December 23. 8:34 am.
Considering the fact that she's an undercover spy, Sam's recipient doesn't really try to hide her interests that much. She likes fighting, so Sam thinks about gifts that may help her fight. She also has a strange fascination with real, antique goods. She's all about the real deal stuff, no fakes. Which is what makes finding her gift hard.
Sam already knows the specific knife he's looking for isn't for sale. He's seen his recipient shopping for it online, to no avail. Part of him isn't sure why she won't just steal it, but the other part realized that she only steals for her friends. It's touching, in a weird sort of way.
Sam thinks he knows where to find the knife, and he has a plan to get it.
With the (reluctant) help of one James Buchanan Barnes, Sam sneaks into Theodore Williams' house to steal a family heirloom. At first, Sam was hesitant (and rightly so!) about stealing a family heirloom. Bucky informed him that the guy works with Hydra, and now Sam doesn't feel bad at all. Sam walks through the house, searching for the weapon, as Bucky erases any signs that they'd broken into Williams' house. Finally, Sam finds the katana in the family treasury. The two head back to the Tower as quickly as possible, to avoid being seen by others.
Once in the Tower, Sam takes a huge breath in relief. He is never going to steal again.
~
December 24. 5:57 am.
When Tony pulled his recipient's name out of the hat, he smiled. Sure, he and his person used to fight all the time, but now they're friends. Kinda. Well, they're on amiable terms. Sometimes, the two will even team up to prank the other Avengers. Really, they're quite the unlikely duo.
So when Tony sees his name, he know exactly what to get: sex toys.
Of course, sex toys are not a traditional gift. Normally, one would want to give a heartfelt, loving present to their enemy-turned-friend. Actually, now that he thinks about it, their situation and dynamic is quite unique, so he figures that there is no standard gift to be given.
Besides, his person exudes so much gay top energy that he's sure the gift will be appreciated. So yes, Tony is going to by him a sex toy.
More specifically, the Aneros Helix Syn Trident prostate massager. Tony has spent way too many hours searching for the stupid thing, but he wanted to make sure it was high quality. He buys one for his recipient, and maybe he buys another for Pepper to use on him later, because he refuses to deny himself such a pleasure. Satisfied with his product, Tony orders the toys and shuts down his laptop.
~
Christmas Day. 5:00 pm.
After everyone has eaten a light dinner, it is time for the gift exchange. They sit in a circle and decide to go clockwise, starting with Steve.
"My Secret Santa recipient was Tony. I got him an authentic shawarma recipie from Cairo. I hope you enjoy it," Steve said with a sincere smile.
"He better fuckin' enjoy it, after those going through customs!" Bucky chimes in.
"And those bandits we fought," Steve thoughtfully adds.
"And those widows. What the hell were they even saying to us?" The rest of the group laughs at Steve and Bucky's antics. Tony sincerely thanks them, and they move on.
"Well, my recipient is Bruce! I got him.some foreign teas," Bucky said.
"Any story on how you got those, Barnes?" Natasha asked.
"Yep," Bucky proudly answered, "but Bruce doesn't need to know." Grateful (and slightly uneasy) Bruce thanks Bucky.
Next is Sam. "I got Natasha the katana she's been eyeing and I gotta say, I don't know how you can so easily steal things from other people."
"Hey," she indignantly squaks, "I only steal because I care about you guys." She graciously accepts Sam's gift. Then, it's her turn to present a gift.
"My chosen name was Steve. I know how much you love to sing and dance to all those old jazz tunes, so I may or may not have stolen a gramophone for you. Merry Christmas." Steve snorts, feeling oddly touched by the gesture.
Then, it's Bruce's turn. "Sam, I know how much you love to help other veterans, but I noticed that you don't always take the time to take care of yourself. I bought you a few cooking lessons at a small family restaurant, because you seem to like cooking. If you don't like it, I can—"
"Bruce," Sam interrupts, "it's perfect. Thank you." Sam gives Bruce a small, grateful smile.
Everyone has gotten a gift but Bucky. Everyone has given a gift except Tony. Oh dear God.
Tony doesn't even give a speech. He wordlessly hands Bucky a box wrapped in nondescript wrapping paper and chuckles. Eyes narrowing, Bucky slowly peels off the wrapping paper. He can't fully see the shape of the object inside the box, but it's a pretty weird one so far.
Bucky continues unwrapping until suddenly, he knows what it is. "You didn't."
"Oh, I did."
"He did what?" Sam asked. "What did he do?"
Bucky suddenly breaks out into a wide grin. "How did you know?"
Tony is... very confused. "Wait, you actually like it?"
"What is it?" Steve asks, curiosity getting the best of him. Bucky and Tony affix him with matching smirks, and Steve gets scared.
"It's a sex toy!" Bucky shamelessly exclaims, causing Steve to go as red as a tomato. He swears he doesn't know why he married this man.
The group has a good, long, laugh after that. Once everyone has settled down again, Tony says, "Let's do this again next year," to which everyone responds with some variation of no.
(Of course, they end up doing it next year. And the year after that. And after that. They just can't seem to break the tradition, and maybe that's a good thing.)