Chapter Text
It was odd that familiar things would always blend into the background, seamlessly integrating themselves into routines. So much so that it was hard to single out without prompting. Sometimes, however, the slightest thing would change. It would stick out like a sore thumb. It became impossible to ignore because it was just so natural to ask, “why is this different?” This familiar thing was no longer familiar, and no longer fit into the spot it had belonged to for such a long time. What was it? Why did it change? Where does it belong now? Most of the time, it wasn’t that it had changed. Rather, people were simply forced to examine it again after some time had passed. A lot of things would become unfamiliar with the unending flow of time, because people would change. It was almost like viewing it as an entirely different person to find that it had never been what the initial appraisal deemed it to be.
Sylvain realized that this line of thinking was getting far too convoluted. This was really just a long-winded way to try and justify the feelings that hit him after his major fuck up.
He had run into the entrance hall after being caught out in the storm at night. To his surprise, he saw a dark-haired girl with her back facing him at the other side of the room, wrapped up in a long towel that engulfed her small frame. He still couldn’t figure out what prompted him to call out before even seeing her face, but for some inexplicable reason, he was just captivated by the way the long, silky locks of hair cascaded down despite their run in with the rain. Hitting on someone before getting a full look at them never went well for him, but she was already heading out the doors. He quickened his pace and called out to her just before he caught up, too impatient to wait. He couldn’t even remember what he said exactly, but he knew his go to was to just call them cutie or babe or some other term of endearment, so he asked them to dinner along with it. Nothing prepared him for the next few seconds.
Felix whirled around. Sylvain just hadn’t recognized him because his uniform had been covered by the towel and he had his hair down to dry it.
The most shocking thing wasn’t his spotty vision after a rather painful headbutt. He absolutely deserved that. No, the shocking thing was that for a split second before Felix’s face warped to one of absolute rage, Sylvain caught a glimpse of an expression he had never seen before. There was a look of surprise, obviously, but the other emotion was one he couldn’t quite place his finger on. His breath hitched and he felt a blush creep up to his cheeks the moment it appeared. It absolutely could have just been because of the fear and embarrassment, but something from the depths of his mind told him it was something else entirely. Something familiar that he was now seeing differently. This was all but lost on him though; all he knew was that he desperately wanted to see it again.
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“Sylvain, can I speak with you for a moment?”
Ah, he was caught. Sylvain had skipped out on training once again to go out into town. Not with a girl this time, however. As crazy as it sounded, he just wasn’t interested lately. Casually raising his arms and resting his hands at the back of his head, he turned to greet Dimitri. “Well, hello to you too. What’s up?”
“Did you do something to anger Felix?”
Sylvain was a little startled by the sudden mention of Felix. He had a pretty good feeling that the jaded swordsman was avoiding him since the… incident, a week ago. This was new as well, and he’d be lying if he said it wasn’t bothering him. They’d bickered in the past, but they would be back by each other’s side in a matter of minutes. This change was a little daunting, but Sylvain tried his best to keep up his nonchalant tone. “Depends. Why?”
“He’s been… Really harsh lately.”
“Ha! That’s just how he is,” That much was true, but it absolutely checked out that Felix would be a little easier to aggravate after that. Guilt was beginning to rear its head as Sylvain shifted his weight nervously, but he covered it up with a crooked smile. It was his go-to move to avoid incriminating himself. “You of all people should know that.”
Dimitri didn’t buy it for a second; he looked at Sylvain sternly and the guilt tripled. “I’m aware that he’s not particularly fond of me anymore, but he’s been snapping more at the other students as well. He’s also been skipping quite a lot more classes lately. I was speaking with Ingrid about it and she was certain it was because of something you did.”
Sylvain rolled his eyes but knew that Ingrid had every reason to think that. “Fine. He’s pissed at me. But I swear to the Goddess that I have apologized about it. I’m sure this will blow over in a while, so don’t worry.” His voice trailed off at the end, and the reassurance seemed to be more for himself than anything.
Dimitri eyed Sylvain up and down warily but shot him a small smile back after a moment of consideration. “Well, I hope for your sake that you’re right.”
“You and me both.”
The rest of the day flew by before Sylvain even realized it. He had been wandering in a bit of a haze these last few days, unsure what to do without Felix around. It made him realize just how much he depended on him and how integral he was to his everyday routine. He tried to fill in the gaps with a couple of dates but gave up after he found that his thoughts would drift back to worrying about his snarky friend. It was a little troubling to say that he actually missed the constant bickering. It was even more troubling to say that he simply missed Felix.
Throughout the week, Sylvain only caught glimpses of Felix. It became pretty clear that he was actively trying to avoid Sylvain after a particular encounter; he walked into the dining hall and saw Felix come in from the other entrance, but when they made eye contact, Felix turned on his heel and marched straight back out. He had to admit, that one stung a little.
Sylvain felt like a lost puppy, desperately trying to spot the person he usually followed around, and this left him thinking about how the tables had turned in the last few years. When they were children, Felix was the one who followed Sylvain around. Felix was a bit of a crybaby back then, but he was just as easy to cheer up. His big, unsure eyes were always affixed on Sylvain, threatening to spill tears at the slightest provocation. It made him feel special to be relied on by this small, meek, adorable boy, and Sylvain became a little protective because of it, causing that dynamic to continue as they grew up. They were incredibly close; they even made a promise to each other meant to last for the rest of their lives. Although it was a little macabre for a vow that kids made, they’d promised that they would stick together until they died.
Sylvain didn’t know how he got to standing in front of Felix’s door in the middle of his contemplating, but he was there, fidgeting with his shirt collar nervously. Their rooms were pretty close to each other, so he just came to an abrupt stop while heading to his. He also didn’t know why he faltered when he went to knock on the door as he had done hundreds of times before. Well, that was a lie. He had a hunch; that image of Felix’s inscrutable expression was burned into his mind and, every damn time, it left him out of commission. His hesitance was stretching on to the point where it got ridiculous so, finally, after letting out a deep and shaky breath, he tentatively knocked on the door. There wasn’t a response, so he knocked again, growing increasingly worried because Felix always holed up in his room after supper. After a knocking for the third time, Sylvain exasperatedly tried the door handle and found it to be unlocked.
He carefully stepped into the room and spotted Felix sitting at his desk with a textbook. Those sharp, brown eyes darted up to meet Sylvain’s, but he didn’t bother turning his head. Within a second, his eyes flitted back, and he returned his attention to his book. Turning a page, he grunted, “what do you want?”
Sylvain felt so relieved to see Felix again that he nearly walked over and hugged him. That probably would’ve earned him a black eye, but at this point, he might say it would’ve been worth it. “Awh, Felix, you wound me. Can’t I just visit my dearest friend?” Sylvain chuckled a little at the snarky greeting, but he was still incredibly nervous, especially after that sudden and dangerous urge to hug the most abrasive person he’d ever known. After a while, he realized that Felix seemed to have no intention of replying; Sylvain sighed and he crossed the room to take a seat on the edge of the bed, settling in for what he assumed would be a very long wait. Something told him that Felix had to be the one to initiate if Sylvain wanted to have a conversation. Afterall, it seemed like he had known Sylvain was the one knocking on his door, and still chose not to open it.
So, he waited.
They sat together in silence with only the occasional sound of a page being turned to disrupt the peace, so Sylvain took this time to look around the nearly barren room, and he frowned a little at the sight. It seemed like Felix had gotten rid of most of his non-essential belongings. The other students liked to have a thing or two to make their dorms feel like home, but there was nothing like that in here. There was, however, a small pile of weapons at the corner of the room, gleaming from constant maintenance. He felt a slight tug in his chest as he stared at them, eyes running up and down the sharp steel. A quiet sadness washed over him as he realized that these things affirmed Felix’s change after… He’d known before this, of course, but it was like he was finally seeing it and being forced to accept that the meek, teary eyed boy he grew up with wasn’t with him anymore. He knew the reason for this change. Everyone did. But the reason was something they never spoke of. Or perhaps, it would be more accurate to say someone they never spoke of.
A long sigh dragged out of Felix as he leaned back in his chair, turning his head ever so slightly to peek over his shoulder. Sylvain was relieved to see those tired eyes affixed on him again. For a little while, Felix simply stared at him with a solemn gaze, so he tried to keep up his easy-going smile. As the time crawled on, a constricting feeling in his chest was slowly becoming unbearable, but Felix finally broke his silence. “Why did you come here?”
“To apologize again, I guess?” Sylvain chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck, suddenly not knowing where to put his hands. “Since it seemed like you’ve been avoiding me.”
There was no response and Sylvain felt small under Felix’s cold, hard stare. He’d usually joke around to lighten the mood, but the words just wouldn’t come out of his throat. Something about this screamed at him to be serious for once. He cleared his throat before continuing. “I’m really sorry, Felix. I really am. I didn’t mean to… uh…” The absurdity of what he did hit him again, and he had to stifle an incredulous laugh. He’d hit on Felix, of all people, because of his brashness and poor judgement. That simple, laughable mistake led to uncharted territories that he was desperately trying to weave through.
“I know you didn’t mean to,” Felix said with a scowl, finally turning in his chair to fully face Sylvain and causing a wayward heartbeat to startle him. “I’m angry because you-“
There was a beat of silence as Felix’s brows furrowed in confusion. Sylvain initially figured that he had just wounded Felix’s pride, but now it seemed like there was more to it. Hesitantly, Sylvain pressed on. “Because I…?”
“Why-“ then another pause. Felix looked so distressed. As Sylvain was nervously contemplating whether or not to console him, Felix groaned in frustration and ran a hand down his face, rubbing his eyes. His voice dropped to a whisper and Sylvain barely heard what he murmured; it seemed to be more to himself. “Why am I angry?”
Sylvain kept his mouth shut as Felix sighed for the umpteenth time. He felt so guilty that he was making his friend upset, and he knew this because Felix was right back to averting his gaze.
“Nevermind. Do whatever you want. I don’t care.” The dark-haired boy muttered before turning back to his book.
This wasn’t the greatest resolution, but at the very least, Felix wouldn’t be avoiding him anymore. Sylvain let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding and relaxed into his seat. Being ignored for that long wasn’t good for his heart. However, now that this was done with, he didn’t really know what to do next. He definitely didn’t want to leave right away because it was nice being in Felix’s company; they’d known each other their entire lives, so there were no tiring facades to keep up in this separate space of theirs. He knew his friend wouldn’t be all that excited about him staying, but Felix did say that he could do whatever he wanted. He wanted to stay.
Sylvain got up from the bed and began investigating the room; there had to be something in here other than swords. He poked around the shelves and only found a couple of textbooks that were collecting dust. Unsatisfied with the lack of interesting belongings, he hummed absentmindedly as he pulled open a drawer.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“How do you live like this?” Sylvain ignored Felix’s glare and frowned as he pulled out one of five white shirts given to them by the Officers Academy. Did he really not have anything other than these? They had to wear uniforms, sure, but students were free to wear whatever they wanted for trips into town and such. Suddenly, a horrifying thought occurred to him, causing his eyes to widen as they met Felix’s gaze. “Have you never left the monastery since we enrolled here?”
Felix snatched the shirt away from him with a scowl, folding it back up neatly to tuck it into the practically empty drawer. “Don’t be dense. I just don’t see the reason why I have to have a separate wardrobe to go into town.”
“C’mon, don’t be like that,” Sylvain lightly leaned up against Felix which earned another scowl, but he didn’t let up and instead slung an arm around his shoulders. Felix turned his face away when he did this, and Sylvain felt his heart sink a little. He was determined to see this through, however. Felix was so tense all the time; some time to enjoy himself would be good. Even now, as Sylvain was standing next to him, he felt Felix tense up. “I’ll take you down there personally. I know a couple of great places to eat at. Oh! There’s absolutely no way I’m letting you wear this shitty uniform,” Sylvain tugged the collar of Felix’s shirt to make his point, but felt him flinch. Surprised, he stopped his hand and tried to shake off a disappointing feeling. “Knowing the sad state of your closet, you’ll have to borrow some of my clothes.”
Still refusing to turn his head, Felix muttered, “are you still fucking around about this? I told you that I don’t care about what happened so quit trying to make up for it. Just being hit on was more than enough.”
A chuckle escaped Sylvain and he patted Felix’s shoulder with his other hand. Before he could help it, he lightly placed a finger under Felix’s chin, lifting his head slightly as he leaned in to coo in a teasing voice, “more than enough? What, did it work or something?”
The reaction that comment pulled out of Felix felt like a punch to the gut. Sure, he was actually punched in the gut, but he got a much clearer view of Felix’s face when he turned to confront Sylvain. Nose to nose, he saw that fascinating and confusing expression again. Felix’s brown eyes were widened, mouth slightly parted, and a blush was painted across his face from the tips of his ears. Sylvain didn’t know how, but as he thought about how captivating it was to look at, he forgot how to breath. Through this, he finally had a hint as to what that expression could mean.
Felix was flustered.
Immediately after that realization, Sylvain was doubled over and letting out a grunt of pain. Yeah, he had that coming. As his mind ran through all the possible reasons why Felix was becoming flustered, there was this wall that refused to let him acknowledge it any further. He had an inkling that he knew the answer, but he wasn’t quite ready to see it. Now, Felix wasn’t one to pull punches, but Sylvain was used to that. After the momentary pause to recover from being punched, he let out an airy laugh to get rid of some of the tension that had filled the room. Meanwhile, he saw Felix pinch the bridge of his nose and huff, discreetly trying to cover up his flushed face. It was no use though; the view was practically embedded in Sylvain’s mind already. He cleared his throat and said in a joking tone, “I wont lie; that wasn’t the worst rejection I’ve had.”
“Oh, I’m certain it wasn’t,” Felix muttered with a gruff tone as he sat back down at his desk. “Seriously, stop messing around.”
Sylvain bit back another teasing remark. As much as he would have loved to continue pulling those reactions out from him, that was probably more than Felix could handle for today. Standing next to him at the desk and gently placing his hand on Felix’s shoulder, Sylvain felt a stupid grin appear on his face when he didn’t protest. Felix peered up at him warily through his lashes, not bothering to tilt his head up the whole way. This time, Sylvain was the one to look away, not wanting Felix to see the dumb expression he knew he was making. “I wasn’t kidding about going into town though, Felix. I think you deserve to take a break.”
“Last time you told me to come along, you just wanted to pick up girls on the way. Your fucking selling point was that you would find a girl for me.”
Ah. Of course. Sylvain couldn’t even remember it, but it definitely sounded like something he would do. He scrunched up his face at the thought of trying to find a girl for Felix. Was that even possible? Who could ever put up with the constant insults and squabbles other than Sylvain? Suddenly, his mind was reeling; that last thought was really strange and confusing. Despite how distressed he was, it did remind him that he hadn’t really been going out lately. Maybe he learned his lesson after… Well, last week.
“I swear to the Goddess that I will be entirely focused on you having the time of your life.”
Felix let out bark of laughter that caused the smile on Sylvain’s face to bloom into a full-blown grin. “Time of my life? A bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think? Besides, I highly doubt that you’d be able to keep your eyes off of girls while we’re down there.”
“Oh? Do you not believe me?” bending down slightly so that their eyes were leveled, Sylvain tilted his head slightly and smirked at him. “Is this a challenge? If so, you’re on, and I want you to prove to me that you’re capable of doing literally anything other than sword fighting.”
After a while of mulling it over, Felix looked back at him intently with a slight gleam of competitiveness in his eyes. “What’s in it for me?” Of course. He should’ve known that Felix Hugo Fraldarius couldn’t back down from a challenge.
“Is my company not enough?” Sylvain pouted a little and Felix rolled his eyes. “Fine. I won’t ever force you to go into town with me ever again.”
“Alright, I can accept those terms.”
“Ah, wait a second. What’s in it for me?”
Mockingly, Felix uttered back, “is my company not enough?” earning a hearty laugh from Sylvain. Though his company would be enough, Sylvain wasn’t about to admit that out loud. Quite some time passed as Felix tried to come up with something plausible. During this, Sylvain noticed that Felix was humming slightly while thinking, which he always found to be somewhat endearing. Felix had no idea he did this. There were no plans to let him know, however; he would undoubtedly stop if it was brought to attention.
“You know what? I’ve got an idea,” Sylvain broke the silence and nudged for Felix’s attention. “Just give me something at the end of the day if you lose. There’s a lot of nice shops down there.”
Felix’s brows furrowed as if to say, “really? That’s it?” but he nodded. It was a little embarrassing, but Sylvain was ecstatic; it had been quite a while since they’d done something like this together. They could go tomorrow since it was the weekend, so it would be happening a lot sooner than he thought. Felix agreed to stop by Sylvain’s room to borrow some clothes in the morning, but this was difficult to plan because someone was infuriatingly stubborn. Then, once in town, they would wander around and figure it out as they went. Sylvain wasn’t going to tell Felix this, but he had a bit of a route planned out already. They’d known each other for their entire lives, so he knew his friend’s interests like the back of his hand. This was something he was pretty proud of; he always tried his best to show people a good time. Planning these things out, even if it was just a vague outline, was the natural thing to do to ensure that the other person enjoyed the date.
…date?
Did Sylvain just let himself think of this as a date?
It was like he was suddenly thrown into a fire. He felt his face burn up, and this incredible warmth spread throughout his chest, his heart beating at such a fast pace that he didn’t know if it was actually beating. Forget whatever reaction Felix had; what the hell was happening to him? He’d never had a response like this when he planned out actual dates with girls. Sure, every once in a while he would genuinely be interested in a girl and have that little fluttery feeling in his stomach, but this? This was so much more intense. If he wasn’t holding onto Felix’s shoulder, he would’ve crumpled to the ground from feeling these suppressed emotions all at once. How long? How long had he been like this? Ignoring it?
This was a crisis. Sylvain was having a crisis. And he finally knew why.
He was absolutely enamoured.
With Felix.