Chapter Text
Someday, girl, I don't know when
We're gonna get to that place
That we really wanna go and we'll walk in the sun
But til then, tramps like us
Baby, we were born to run.
"Born to Run" - Bruce Springsteen
Eddie was always a runner, but his mom never let him. He was too 'fragile', too 'delicate', but he did anyway without her knowing. He loved running. Loved the feeling of going fast and the freedom of it all. Loved the burn in his legs and knowing he was still able to breathe, a reminder of another way he wasn't as delicate as his mother led him to believe. Running was what he did. Running to wherever his mother was not. It shouldn't have surprised him that when Richie asked him to run away, he said yes.
Richie asked one night as they lay in Eddie’s bed, limbs tangled together, Eddie’s fingers running through Richie’s curls and Richie’s hands playing at the hem of Eddie’s shirt. Richie wasn’t supposed to be there, although even before that day he never was, but that day was different. That day, Richie had decided he was tired and done, and came out to his parents. They had reacted worse than expected. They expressed every bit of distaste they had for it, begging him to consider that maybe it’s just a phase he’ll grow out of, that he just hasn’t found the right girl yet, that maybe he’s even doing this for attention. But no. Richie got mad and like he always did when he got mad, he got loud and lost every filter he had. He said no, it’s not a phase and he’s in love and there’s nothing they could do to stop him from being in love. They asked who, and he told them. And then his mom called Sonia because “she had the right to know” and that was the end of it. Eddie was forbidden from seeing Richie and leaving the house except for school. Life as they knew it was over.
So, Richie came over as soon as his parents had gone to sleep, sneaking out his window and in through Eddie’s like they had already been doing for the past few years.
Laying together, they didn’t say anything for quite some time. Eddie almost jumped when Richie started talking.
“We should just leave,” Richie said. “Get the fuck out of here as soon as we can.”
Eddie pondered that. Leaving. It was something he thought of every day of his life. Leaving Derry. Leaving his mom. Finding something better. With Richie.
“Okay,” is all Eddie said.
“I mean it,” Richie said. “After graduation, I’m getting the fuck out.”
“I mean it, too,” Eddie said. “I’ll go with you.”
Richie froze, no doubt considering the implications of running away with his boyfriend at the age of 18. Eddie moved a hand to Richie’s cheek, rubbing his thumb over it. Richie closed his eyes.
“You can’t promise me things,” Richie said slowly, “that you won’t do, Eds. I don’t think I can take that right now.”
“I promise you I will,” Eddie said. “I can’t stay here anymore.” His voice cracked. “I can’t stay with her anymore.”
Richie closed the distance between them and kissed Eddie softly. He couldn’t believe what he was promising. Running away. Running away with Richie to God knows where and he felt so good about it. There was nothing on Earth he wouldn’t do for Richie, but he also knew this wasn’t for Richie, it was for him.
Richie pulled away. “Where we going, Eds?”
“Can’t put that on me,” Eddie said. “You’re the one who wanted to run away.”
Richie smiled. “C’mon, dude,” he said. “I came up with the idea, you need to do the details.”
“How the hell–”
“California,” Richie said quickly. “I want to go to California.”
“How are we getting there,” Eddie said, smiling at Richie’s sudden excitement. “Your shitty truck?”
“Noted,” Richie said. A pause. “How about New York?”
“New York sounds…” Eddie trailed off. Like a dream. Like a world away and everything they ever wanted. There would be people there like them. People running away and looking for something they couldn’t put a name on. People looking for new place and a fresh start and a chance to be their true selves without anyone telling them they couldn’t be. But New York was big. Sure, there were people there chasing their dreams, but there were also countless people ready to tear them down. Not to mention it was expensive as all hell. But it wasn’t Derry. “Terrifying.”
“We got each other,” Richie said nonchalantly. “Right?”
Eddie nodded, suddenly unsure of what he was agreeing to. He had to think. Running away was the first thing. That was something he always dreamed of, leaving Derry and his mother and being free from all that shit somewhere else. He imagined it would happen in a way that felt less heartbreaking. He would go to college or get a job, not simply abandon everything he ever knew.
The next part of it was Richie. Running away was something he thought about but running away with Richie never seemed to cross his mind. There was an unspoken thing about it. Something that they both seemed to understand without having to talk about it. Commitment. Running away together meant they were committing to each other. They had been dating for years, but this was different. They wouldn’t have their houses to return to, or their separate lives to live. They would be each other’s lives from that point forward.
The last part of it was New York. New York City was the big, scary city that was filled with dirt and disease and existed only in Eddie’s mind as a scare tactic his mother used against him. He vaguely recalled his 16 th birthday when his mother wanted to take him on a weekend trip, and he wanted to go to New York City and she gave a resounding no. There was no fighting and no questioning. New York was dirty and filled with disease. AIDS . There was no way they would ever go there. So, Eddie settled on a historic trip to Boston, and even though his mother thought that was no good either, it was nowhere near as bad as New York. New York was a distant place that was nothing more than a dream to Eddie.
“After graduation,” Richie said pulling Eddie back to the present. “The day after. That way we’ll have our diplomas and it will give a night to say goodbye.”
Eddie nodded again. Richie must have noticed the panic in his eyes because he pulled Eddie into his chest, holding him tight.
“We’ll be fine,” Richie said, although he sounded like he was assuring himself more than Eddie. “We’ll be okay.”
They didn’t tell anyone. They didn’t want anything to get their way of running. They didn’t want anything to ruining the freedom they felt once the initial panic resided. They didn’t want Bill’s constant questions or Stan’s lectures about planning for their future. They didn’t want Ben’s sympathetic stares or Mike’s encouraging words. And they sure as hell didn’t want Bev trying to tag along like they knew she would. This was theirs.
Although it was hard sometimes. They had gotten better than they used to be at keeping secrets, but it would still be another couple months before they would head out. They planned to tell them the night before, all of them drunk and unable to fight back or convince them to stay. And they managed to wait, even with the whispering their friends often did when they began to suspect something was going on.
They became reclusive, and secretive even over things that didn’t have any consequences. Eddie assumed it was because he was preparing for life without them, or maybe a natural reaction to keeping a secret this big from the only people who actually gave a shit about him. He began to hate himself for it, having panic attacks nearly every night, away from Richie who he wasn’t even trying to hide from. He became exhausted.
One quiet lunch, sometime in April, brought Eddie out of himself when, during a brief musing, Ben wondered where they all would be this time next year.
“It seems weird,” Ben said, “that soon we won’t have this.” Ben had gotten accepted into Stanford with a full ride, and Bev planned on moving out there with him. She wasn’t going to school and she didn’t have a plan, but it was exciting, she said, a new beginning.
“Don’t say that,” Stan said, who got into Cornell. “I don’t like thinking about leaving you guys.”
“We can still write,” Bill said, who, along with Mike, did not have much of a plan and had decided on taking a few classes at the local community college for a little while.
“And call every day,” Bev said.
“At least we have this summer,” Mike said.
Eddie felt gross, like he had been rolling around in the dirt and now no amount of showers would get him clean. They didn’t deserve the lies they were being fed, of potentially staying in Derry or maybe he would leave but who knows. He could feel Richie’s eyes on him as he slipped an arm around Eddie’s lower back.
“We’re leaving, me and Eddie,” Richie started, “right after graduation. For New York.”
Richie had let the secret go. He was the one who thought it would be better to be left without being said. And he was the one to tell everyone else. Eddie felt a pang of relief.
“Right after?” Stan asked.
“Not right after,” Richie said. “The next day, but yeah.”
“What are you doing in New York?” Ben said. “Do you have jobs?”
“Nope,” Richie said. “Gonna wing it.”
“Apartment?” Stan said. “Anything planned or any way to know what you’re doing?”
“Not a clue, baby,” Richie said without a care.
“Sounds romantic,” Bev said holding her face up with a hand. “Running away with the love of your life.”
“You would know,” Richie teased. “‘Oh, California this, and California that!’ You’re going to fucking Stanford, not L.A. you weirdo.”
Bev threw her crumpled napkin at Richie from across the table. “Shut the fuck up, Trashmouth.”
And things were fine for a little while. Stan was very obviously stressed about what they would do when they got there, but he kept his pressing to a minimum when he discovered how much it agitated Richie. And Bev wouldn’t shut up about how happy she was for the two of them to find a future with each other, no matter how much Richie tried to claim that she was doing the same exact thing.
Things collapsed the night of graduation, diplomas gotten and hats thrown, the losers sat in the makeshift lounge in the barn at Mike’s that they made out of old furniture piled in the back room. Mike’s grandpa let them use with the circumstances being that was where they drank or got high or whatever weird shit the kids were doing. That way he could keep an eye on them and they wouldn’t get into trouble. He knew what teenagers were like and didn’t need that on his head.
Richie and Bev disappeared outside to smoke, and Eddie was pleasantly drunk, tuning in and out of conversations. A chill ran through him and he hated Richie for taking his flannel back from Eddie who had stolen it. Finder’s keepers, Eddie had said, and Richie only laughed and said, you took it off my body, punctuated with a resounding fuck you. Eddie had a right mind to make Richie keep that promise later.
“Is that right, Eddie?” Bill said, bringing Eddie back to the conversation and away from thoughts of his boyfriend.
“Hm?” Eddie said, revealing his distraction.
“New York’s the most expensive place to live,” Stan said. “Even outside the city, apartments aren’t cheap.”
“I don’t…” Eddie tried to say. “I don’t know.”
Stan pressed his lips together, no doubt trying not to say anything, so Bill said it for him. “We’re w-w-worried about you guys.”
“It feels kind of stupid to run off to New York without a plan,” Mike said.
“Maybe,” Eddie said, sobering up. “I thought you guys we’re fine with it.”
“We were,” Stan said. “Mostly.”
“You guys were so happy,” Mike said. “We thought it was just a dream or something.”
“You’re p-p-packed,” Bill said, “leaving t-t-t-tomorrow.” He must have been worried. His stutter always got worse when he was nervous.
“We want to make sure you’re okay when you get there,” Stan said.
“We – we have money saved,” Eddie said hearing his voice crack. “We’ll – we will be fine…right?” He reached around himself to try and pull the missing flannel tight around him. He had grown so used to wearing Richie’s shirts that it felt wrong to not have one on to make him feel safe. He pulled his knees up to his chest and held them tight, begging this night to end, begging for sobriety, begging for the tears behind his eyes and the sobs in his chest to go away.
He should be happy, excited, that tomorrow night, once Derry had gone to sleep, he and Richie would be leaving. They would leave and never come back and it would be good. It was supposed to be good. So, why did Eddie feel like shit? Why did he feel like he was the worst person in the world? His friends knew he wasn’t leaving them, they would keep in contact, so what was it? His mom? He hated her and wanted to believe that would make it easier to leave. But there was another part of him, the part of himself he didn’t dare think about, that wanted to stay with her and keep being her perfect little boy. It was easy to say he hated her, but it was so hard to admit that some part of him still loved her.
He didn’t know if he could go through with it. He couldn’t. He started crying, ignoring the panic in his friends’ eyes when they realized they had pushed too far. Eddie realized he hadn’t cried in front of anyone besides Richie in years. He had gotten so good at faking it, at protecting his feelings, only for it to shatter his last night in Derry.
There was a warmth surrounding him and he realized that Richie had come back and put his flannel over Eddie like a blanket. He climbed over the back of the couch, settling in behind Eddie and wrapping him in his arms, pulling Eddie’s back to his chest.
“It’s alright, baby,” Richie said. “I’m here.”
“We can’t go to New York,” Eddie said. “We can’t”
Richie looked up and around at his friends, looking for some answer as to what launched Eddie into an anxiety-fueled mess.
“We were only asking questions,” Ben offered.
“We’re worried about you guys,” Stan said.
Richie nodded. And Eddie started to calm down now that Richie was here with him. Part of him hated that he relied on Richie like that, but another part felt good that he had someone to rely on. He decided he’d figure that out later, when he wasn’t so worried about New York.
In the end, they decided that it was only anxiety, a fear that something would happen and they wouldn’t be safe or as ready to face the world as they believed they were. But it would be fine. They had each other, and their friends were ready to help them if need be. Eddie pushed down what he was thinking about and agreed with all of that, knowing his problems were too big to deal with right now and they would be completely gone tomorrow night once he left. He hoped.
The two of them decided, too, to call it a night, and said their goodbyes with a few more tears shed. Ben and Bev promised to stop by on their way out to California in the fall, but that wouldn’t be for a few months, and who knew when the others would get a chance to visit, or even the other way around. It would be hard, but Eddie knew he could get through it.
“Sometimes I feel like it’s my fault,” Richie said pressed next to Bev as they sat outside the barn. Richie had already powered through two cigarettes while Bev was only halfway through her first. He decided not to think about it.
“It’s not,” Bev said. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you.”
“If I hadn’t told my parents–”
“You thought they’d react better,” Bev said. “It’s not your fault your parents suck.”
Richie thought on that. Part of the reason he started smoking with Bev was because she always made him feel sane. She validated his feelings but also metaphorically smacked him when he started throwing pity parties. She kept him in line.
“Look, Rich,” Bev said. “You can keep sitting here feeling sorry for yourself, or you can be Eddie’s rock and go live a fucking good life in New York.”
“You make it sound so easy,” Richie muttered.
“It’s not,” Bev said. “But I think you have to pretend like it is until it actually is easy.”
Richie didn’t want to. He didn’t want to pretend to do anything, and he wanted to just go to New York with Eddie and get the fuck out of Derry and never think about it again. It wouldn’t be easy, and he didn’t think it ever would be. He didn’t want to be Eddie’s rock. He wanted everything to be fine and Eddie’s anxiety not to exist and…and… If he was Eddie’s rock, then who was going to be his?
He turned his head away from Bev, tears welling, wanting to hide from everything. She took his hand.
“Just because Eddie’s mom is worse than my parents,” Richie started, “doesn’t mean mine don’t fucking suck. They think I’m going to get over it and don’t believe I’m in love with Eddie.” Bev squeezed Richie’s hand. “They keep pretending like they didn’t completely ruin mine and Eddie’s lives.”
“Richie…”
“I can’t fucking wait to get out of here,” Richie said turning back to Bev. “Then it’s just me and Eddie against the world.” He said the last part almost wistfully, like he didn’t fully believe it. But he wanted to. He wanted to believe it was as simple as once he left Derry, things would start being better. But that was a dream. New York was only one step in the road to being better. Maybe Bev was right, he’d have to pretend things were easy until they were.
“Let’s go back in,” Bev said standing, keeping hold of Richie’s hand. “Everyone’s probably wondering if we died out here.”
Bev led Richie back into the barn, where Eddie was panicking, and no one could figure out what to do, so Richie did what he always did, and wrapped Eddie up in his arms, and took him home where they could be away from everything.
Richie was defeated, by the time he and Eddie got to his house. It was his fault. Eddie was in the worst state he had been in since who the hell knows and it was all his fault. If he had only managed to keep his big mouth shut, not decided to spill his deepest secret, then maybe Eddie’s mom wouldn’t have found out. Maybe Eddie would be more ready and able to make a big move with Richie. Maybe if they didn’t have to sneak out in the middle of the night, and maybe if they could tell their parents where they were going. Maybe if he was more philosophical and knew what to say. He really wished he knew what to say.
In Richie’s bed, Eddie, who usually preferred being the big spoon, was tucked into Richie’s arms, not speaking. Richie tried to think. How could he make this better?
“How are you feeling?” Richie asked.
“Don’t know,” Eddie said. “Better, I guess, now that I’m not drunk anymore.”
“Will you still run away with me?”
“Did you think I wouldn’t?”
Richie responded by pushing his face into the back of Eddie’s neck and squeezing him tighter.
“You trying to kill me, Rich?” Eddie said, slightly strained.
“You wish,” Richie said and promptly licking the back of Eddie’s neck.
Eddie jumped. “That’s fucking gross,” Eddie said turning to face Richie. He was smiling. “Fuck you.”
Richie raised an eyebrow. “Promise?”
“Shut up.”
“Make me.”
And Eddie did, leaning forward and kissing Richie, moving his hands up to run his fingers through Richie’s hair, Richie moving his hands down to Eddie’s waist to pull him close. Closer and closer. Richie kept pulling until Eddie took the hint and pushed Richie down and climbed on top of him, not once breaking apart.
Eddie kissed deeper, sliding his tongue into Richie’s mouth and grinded his hips against Richie’s. Richie let out a moan that was a little too loud.
Eddie pulled back. “Not so loud. Your parents will hear.”
“Let them,” Richie said slipping his hand up Eddie’s shirt.
Eddie thought for a second. “Let’s wait.”
“Not fair, Eds,” Richie pouted.
“It’ll be better when we’re gone.” Eddie leaned down and kissed Richie softly. “When we’re free of this fucking place.”
Richie looked at Eddie with every bit of fondness he could muster, which was a lot. “Whatever you say, baby.”
The next night, after everyone else had gone to bed, Richie pulled up to Eddie’s house, lights on his truck turned off. Before he could even put it in park, Eddie was coming out of the front door, suitcase in hand. He threw it in the back and hopped in the passenger seat.
“You going my way, baby?” Richie joked.
“Anywhere you’re heading, stud,” Eddie said grinning.
And they drove off. They both left notes for their parents, just enough for each to know they were okay, but to also say they wouldn’t be coming back.
Richie’s read: I’m sorry but I have to go. It’s not a phase and I won’t grow out of it. I love Eddie and I’m going to be with him forever, not here. I still love you, but don’t try to find me. Richie .
Eddie’s read: Don’t look for me. I’m running and you can’t stop me.