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Song Lan is panicking and he is panicking hard.
The heart that usually no longer beats in his chest goes into overdrive, slamming painfully against his ribs. The breath he usually no longer needs gets stuck in his throat, threatening to choke him. His hands shake and his vision blurs around the edges.
Xiao Xingchen’s soul is gone.
Xiao Xingchen is gone.
Song Lan curls himself together, but it only makes the breathing problem worse, and his panicked mind doesn’t understand that he does not have to breathe, that it’s all just one big trick his body is playing on him, and yet, it still feels like dying.
If Xiao Xingchen really is gone, then maybe that’s not so bad.
But it’s that thought that jolts him out of the panic attack, because the pouch is still there.
The pouch is still there, so that means Xue Yang can’t have stolen Xiao Xingchen like he tries to do every life.
The pouch is still there, so that means either Xiao Xingchen gave up and his soul finally dissolved, or, and Song Lan barely even dares to hope it, he finally healed enough to enter the reincarnation cycle.
The problem with either of those options is that Song Lan can’t find out. If Xiao Xingchen got reincarnated then it will take time for him to grow up, time for him to remember his life and maybe even come find Song Lan, if he’s willing to do so.
Until then, Song Lan is forced to wander the earth alone.
If Xiao Xingchen’s soul dissolved, there is no way for him to ever find out, not for certain.
Song Lan clenches his jaw and focuses on something more practical, something that gives him the option of doing something.
He’ll go find Xue Yang, just to make sure that he really has nothing to do with this. He’ll go find Lan Jingyi, to ask if he found anything strange, and to ask him to keep an eye out for Xiao Xingchen.
It’s something to do, something to keep himself occupied with, and Song Lan feels a little bit better.
He still puts the pouch back around his neck, even though it’s empty and just another reminder that he really, truly lost Xiao Xingchen now, and then he starts walking.
Lan Jingyi said that they hadn’t found Xue Yang yet, so it will probably be easier finding Lan Jingyi again.
It’s been a day but he can’t have gotten far.
Song Lan immediately makes his way out of the forest. He knows he doesn’t look well, never cared too much for his appearances beyond staying warm, content to avoid every and all human interaction, but now he’s painfully aware of how he looks.
He’ll stick out like a sore thumb, and the black markings on his neck will be the least of his problems.
Still, he goes on, because he needs something to do.
Waiting for Xiao Xingchen’s soul to heal has been his whole purpose in life and the absence of it leaves him reeling.
Song Lan reaches the edge of the wood sooner than he thought he would, and from then on he’s just going blind.
He’s aware that technology is a thing now, that it’s evolving faster than some people can keep track of it, and while Lan Jingyi has tried to keep him informed, showed him different kinds of phones over the years, Song Lan is still hopelessly overwhelmed.
The noise alone would cause him a headache, if he could still feel something like that.
Song Lan wanders the streets, at a total loss as to how he will even find Lan Jingyi, when suddenly someone approaches him.
“You’re the wandering cultivator,” the girl says and then she bows to him. “Lan Jingyi always tells us to keep an eye out for you,” she explains at his questioning gaze and then hands him pen and paper.
‘How can I find him?’, he writes down, rather rudely he knows, but he’s on a mission.
“I can call him for you,” the girl gives back and holds up something Song Lan suspects is supposed to be a phone.
He nods at her, and she immediately dials a number as she slightly turns away from Song Lan.
Song Lan takes a few steps back, giving her the privacy she clearly wants but it takes less of a minute for her to turn back to him.
“He’s still in the city, he’ll meet you here in ten minutes. I’m sorry, but I have to go, my classes start soon and I can’t be late. Just wait here and Lan Jingyi will find you,” she tells him and bows to him again.
Song Lan quickly scribbles a ‘Thank you’ down and then she’s already gone.
He’s pretty sure it doesn’t take Lan Jingyi ten minutes to find him and when he does, Song Lan raises one eyebrow at him.
Lan Jingyi only shrugs.
“Whenever I find you, I ask some people who have been reincarnated as well to keep an eye out for you. The world changes so quickly and it would be hard for you to find your way around. I just want to help.”
Song Lan nods at that, hopes his gratitude for everything Lan Jingyi has done for him over the years gets through and then he starts to write again.
‘Xingchen’s soul is gone, I don’t know if it’s reincarnated or dissolved.’ He looks down at the characters, and wonders how an innocent statement like this can cause him so much pain.
Lan Jingyi gets excited when he sees it.
“He reincarnated,” he says with a confidence Song Lan hasn’t felt since he died, but Lan Jingyi seems pretty sure.
‘What did you say to him?’ Song Lan asks and Lan Jingyi levels him with a look.
“I told him that you were giving up, that you were wasting away carrying his soul and hoping for him to come back. That I wasn’t sure how much longer you can do this without doing something very drastic. I asked him to come back for you.”
Song Lan would have paled if he still could do that, because that is exactly what he never wanted to tell Xiao Xingchen.
Carrying his soul has never been a burden to Song Lan, and he never wanted Xiao Xingchen to come back because he fears Song Lan can’t take it anymore. He wanted Xiao Xingchen to want to come back to life, for himself, and because he thinks he can take it again, and never like this.
Some of his anger must show on his face, because Lan Jingyi takes a step back.
“I just wanted him to come back, same as you,” he defends himself but Song Lan shakes his head.
It’s not the same at all.
“You will see, he reincarnated, and he will find you,” Lan Jingyi says with a conviction Song Lan hasn’t felt since his very first life.
Still, it’s the only thing he can hope now as well.
So Song Lan nods, accepting what Lan Jingyi tells him, but privately he makes a vow.
If he can’t find Xiao Xingchen again in five life-times, then there is no reason left for him to go on like this.
Five life-times. He hopes it will be enough.
~*~*~
Song Lan is in a supermarket for his weekly grocery shopping, when he suddenly feels eyes on his back.
Xue Yang hasn’t approached him in two life-times now, and Song Lan isn’t sure if it is because he knows he no longer has Xiao Xingchen’s soul or if the fact that Song Lan practically lives with other people from the past keeps him away.
Either way, Song Lan is just happy he didn’t have to lay eyes on Xue Yang again in so many years already.
Lan Jingyi took Song Lan with him that fateful day Xiao Xingchen’s soul vanished, told him that he would have a higher chance of finding Xiao Xingchen outside of the woods, and Song Lan has spent Lan Jingyi’s remaining life trying to adapt to modern life.
It wasn’t easy.
Now, he thinks he got the hang of it, and it’s a lot more enjoyable than being alone in the woods, not to mention that it has done wonders for his mental state, but the countdown is still ticking down in Song Lan’s head.
Three more lives. So far, there has been no sign of Xiao Xingchen and Lan Jingyi has everyone looking.
He’s a goddamn romantic, that one, Song Lan thinks almost fondly, as he pays for his groceries and leaves the store.
He can still feel the eyes on his back, is sure that he’s being followed home, but he can’t spot Xue Yang anywhere.
It’s only when Song Lan unlocks his door, that the figure finally comes out of hiding.
“Zichen,” Xiao Xingchen says and Song Lan’s knees buckle.
He has forgotten how his name sounds from those lips, and he doesn’t dare to turn around, too afraid that he finally snapped and it’s all just his imagination.
But then gentle hands touch his elbow and turn him around and it’s him.
It’s Xiao Xingchen.
He looks young, barely older than seventeen, if Song Lan had to guess, but he’s as beautiful as ever. He looks the same, his same soft, beautiful, gentle Xiao Xingchen, and Song Lan is relieved to see that Xiao Xingchen has his eyes back, that he can see, and he’s completely floored by the look in them.
Song Lan lets out something that could be called a sob and then Xiao Xingchen’s hand is on his face, gently pulling him closer.
“Zichen, I’m sorry I made you wait,” Xiao Xingchen whispers, his lips brushing against Song Lan’s and then he leans in, purposefully pressing their lips together.
“But I found you now,” he mumbles when they part and Song Lan knows, if he still could, he would be crying.
Xiao Xingchen came back for him.