Archive of Our Own ^beta

Tsukishima.

What a weird feeling it was, reading that name on some doorbell panel in an apartment house he had never set foot into before. Usually, reading that name meant home. Only this time, it didn’t.

Of course it didn’t. It wasn’t his home after all.

As it moved to slip down his shoulder, Kei gripped the strap of his sports bag and hoisted it back up. A young woman entered through the main door, shot him a look and likely considered asking if he needed help but ultimately thought better of it. Not that he needed any of her help. He already knew where to go. Uneasy, his eyes drifted back to the doorbell panel, searching for the familiar characters.

Second floor, to the left.

The woman’s reflection appeared in one of the large glass doors to his right. He caught a wary glance being directed his way as she hurried past and used her key to open the door leading to the elevator and staircases. As she pushed through the heavy door, her movement seemed to halt for a few seconds and Kei thought he had seen her peer at him across her shoulder. Or maybe that had just been his imagination. Later it dawned on him that she likely just wanted to make sure he hadn’t moved to follow her. Now, what exactly did that say about today’s society if a grown woman was cautious of a high school kid like him? Well, he supposed he did give off a strange vibe, standing here rooted to the spot, staring at the same doorbell plate for what must have been at least ten minutes straight now. But how could she have known. It wasn’t as if she had been watching him all this time, counting the seconds.

He felt the urge to turn around and check just how much of the entrance hall could be seen from across the street but resisted.

Now he felt silly.

Just ring the bell, get up there, hand him his stuff and leave.

He didn't even need to find excuses for not staying any longer. After all, it was already past eight and the last train home left in two hours. He also had homework to do and school tomorrow.

So yeah. Easy. No big deal.

He'll understand.

Kei let out an irritated sigh and checked the time. One and a half hour then. He clutched the shoulder strap tighter, rough fibres slightly cutting into his skin.

Really, it wasn't like these were his brother's only clothes. There really was no point in going all the way here to give them back to him when he could have just picked them up the next time he came over for a visit. But of course his mother had insisted that Kei dropped them off since he would be in Sendai for a practice match anyway. She had also packed home-made cookies and some of the marinated pork they had had for dinner yesterday. If he hadn’t protested and reminded her that he had to go to school and was going to play a volleyball match before he even had the chance to stop at his brother's place and could hardly take all of that with him, she would have packed half the household.

Like his brother couldn’t take care of himself.

She should have just gone herself if she worried that much.

But of course she didn’t plan to. Really. He had seen through her the moment she’d asked him to go.

“Since you're going to Sendai anyway, please do me a favour and drop that off at your brother’s place,” is what she had said.

That’s a good time to talk, is probably what she had thought.

Not that she understood any of it. Admittedly, he had never talked about it to her. Had Niichan? Well, it really didn't make any difference now.

Kei shifted his weight from one foot to the other and took a deep breath, swallowing thickly, then lifted his hand and hesitantly let his fingertips touch the bell plate.

He just needed to press down, do what he was sent here for and then go home.

God, now he was really acting like a little kid about to enter a haunted house by night. Even Yamaguchi would have thought he was a sorry sight. He wouldn’t dare tell him though.

Get a grip.

Nothing scary awaited him here. It was just his brother. It was just Niichan.

A part of him even wanted to see him and talk about trivia because that was really all they seemed to manage as they were now. But it was better than nothing. It was far better than not talking at all. Yeah, he really wanted to see him. He had thought about it all day. During class, on their trip to Sendai, the thought had even popped up in his head during the match. No matter how much he had tried to ignore it and convince himself that he didn’t want to go, the feeling of anticipation would always bubble up again from the pit of his stomach.

It still hurt though.

Yeah.

Seeing Niichan hurt.

Acting cold and indifferent, when he honestly just wanted them to go back to how they used to be, hurt. Fingers swept lightly over clear plastic, covering and uncovering the name underneath. He really needed to let go, to grow up and detach himself. He needed to stop depending on his brother and making him the centre of his world. Because it was better that way. Because lies wouldn’t hurt that much then. But most importantly, because his brother wouldn't need to be strong for his sake anymore then.

It was hard though.

At first Kei believed it would become easier with time, that he simply needed to keep his distance for a while and eventually would get used to this change. That, at some point, they would both be okay with it.

Sadly he soon realised that a hope like this was futile. He would never be okay with it. Not with Niichan smiling at him like that. That warm smile he always directed his way ever since Kei could remember. The one that made his heart clench and filled his insides with a warmth that threatened to overtake his entire being, rendering the rest of the world insignificant.

At times like these, he wanted nothing more than to forget about that day and all the painful memories that followed, pretend it never happened. Forget about his plan to keep Niichan at a distance and be nothing but a selfish little brother, demanding his undivided attention and love. For a short moment, the feelings of guilt and inadequacy seemed gone and all he wanted to do was run up to Niichan, throw his arms around him and never let go. He surely would have hugged him back just as fiercely. But Kei just couldn't. His limbs wouldn’t listen and his smile wouldn’t show.

In the end, he always found himself locked up in his room, headphones on, blocking everything out.

Pathetic.

Back at square one.

Facing Niichan afterwards was even harder because Kei could tell he had hurt him yet again. He truly never wanted to hurt Niichan. Yet he did it all the same.

Yes, at the beginning he had been angry at him. Of course he had been! Kei wanted to yell at him. Sometimes he'd mouth “Liar,” when Niichan couldn’t see. And one time he even wanted to say “I hate you,” but he knew that was a lie told to hurt and imagining telling it to Niichan made him feel sick and disgusted with himself. He had wanted to make up with Niichan that day, apologise for being such a stupid, ungrateful little brother.

The plan had died together with a hushed “Niichan” at his brother’s door the moment he had peered inside.

The room had been dark and his eyes had needed a moment to adjust but when they had he could see it was a mess. Posters had been torn off walls, magazines, books and clothes splattered everywhere. There had been many broken things too. One of them had been his brother, cowering on the floor in the midst of the darkness, sobbing. He had never seen Niichan cry before. And of course, after the initial shock had worn off, Kei had wanted to reach out and comfort him, but then realisation had hit him and he had finally understood. The cause of his brother’s suffering had been him. It had been him imposing his high expectations on Niichan. It had been him who was too naïve and blind, him who had let him down when he had needed him most.

Kei hadn’t slept that night.

The day Niichan had moved for college, Kei didn't leave his room to see him off, afraid that he’d start to cry. And crying wouldn’t have changed a thing.

It never did.

It would have only caused Niichan more pain.

Naturally their relationship got more distant over time, over years, because the more he avoided his brother, the more he shut him out, the higher the walls got and the less he knew how to tear them down again. That’s how pathetic he was. The rare times his brother came home to visit, they mostly only saw at dinner and even then Kei kept conversation to a minimum. Niichan always tried to cover up how much Kei’s coldness and distance affected him and pretended to be okay, happy, talking a lot about college and his life away from home. Yet Kei could still tell. He had learnt to see through the lies by now. Stupid little boy that he was.

When today's match was over, he had been the first to take his leave. Yamaguchi had given him a confused look but Kei just told him that he had some things to take care of. That they'd see each other tomorrow at school.

Later, he had found himself walking some stops instead of going by bus. He had never liked crowded places anyway. People would always stand too close and brush against him and the fact that there was no way to avoid that made him uncomfortable. Today, however, he had decided that the later he arrived at his brother’s place, the earlier he could leave again. Save himself and Niichan the awkwardness and pain.

They really were hopeless now, weren't they?

Kei took a deep breath. One, two – and forced his fingers down to ring the bell, a shrill sound echoing through the entrance hall.

Calm down, stupid.

His heart pounded against his chest and when sweat started to form at his palms, he wiped them down on his slacks. There was still no answer.

He rang the bell again.

Maybe Niichan wasn't home. He should have called or messaged him beforehand. Why didn’t he think of that? The feeling of disappointment started to crawl it's way up his insides and he quickly covered it with annoyance, then rang the bell again, longer this time. There was a crack and finally a rasped “Yeah?”

Kei let out a shaky breath he didn’t realise he had been holding in the first place and tried to sound as indifferent as he could manage.

“It’s me. Kei.”

Silence.

He really should have called first.

Seconds later, the door made a buzzing sound and he absentmindedly reached to push it open and enter, feeling strangely relieved. According to the doorbell panel his brother’s apartment was located on the second floor, so he chose the stairway. Kei nervously wiped his palms on his pants again. Calm down!

Unable to control the giddy feeling in his stomach, he started counting the stairs. When his feet touched number thirty-six, he turned to peek around the corner into a large hallway. One door was standing wide open and the light from inside illuminated parts of the otherwise dimly lit hallway. That’s Niichan’s apartment then. The blond head that suddenly appeared from the inside and turned to face him, confirmed his assumption. Niichan. His feet were heavy, as if he was wading through mud instead of walking along a hallway towards his brother's apartment.

Niichan looked pale.

“Kei.” He looked tired.

Wasn't he feeling well?

“What are you doing here?” He seemed surprised but forced a small smile while moving aside, making room for him to enter.

“You look horrible,” Kei declared flatly, trying to keep concern out of his voice as best as he could as he slipped off his sneakers. Did their mother know? Was that why she had sent him? Niichan closed the door and slowly went to pick up some dirty clothes from the floor in an attempt to make the room look more presentable. Not that it mattered.

“Yeah. Well, today is not the best day, I’m afraid. Why didn’t you call before dropping by?”

Kei really didn't know.

Maybe some part of him wanted to believe that he didn’t need to.

“We had a practice match and mom asked me to bring some of your clothes. You forgot to take them with you the last time.” Averting his eyes, Kei pulled the zipper of his sports bag open.

“Don't worry, I won’t be staying long.”

Because he needed to catch the train and do homework …

“I need to catch the next train.”

Kei swallowed thickly “I have lots of homework waiting at home so …” The last part was nothing more than a mutter now, spoken under his breath.

Pathetic.

Rummaging through his sports bag, his fingers finally caught hold of a plastic bag. Kei pulled it out and placed it on a small wooden dresser to his left, staring at the bundle for a while. Inside were once neatly folded t-shirts and one pair of pants, but he didn’t need to check to know that they were all crinkled now. When he turned to look at his brother again, he noticed Niichan’s eyes were glassy and distant, his lips pressed together tightly, forming a narrow line.

“She also packed these,” Kei balanced the box with cookies on top of the clothes and then presented another plastic box. “And some of her marinated pork. It's good.”

Thanks to the see-through box there was no need to open it to confirm what it was.

“She probably thinks you're surviving solely on ramen and pizza and wants you to have some real food for once,” he heard himself mumble and took a step forward, lifting the box to his brother’s face so he could see for himself.

“Oh god.”

Somehow, that didn't sound like anticipation.

Niichan grimaced and his face turned like five shades paler within a few seconds. The moment Kei understood the situation and quickly lowered the box to put it away, it was already too late and Niichan covered his mouth with both hands before storming off to what must have been the bathroom. He ripped the door open and rushed inside, pushing the toilet lid up with a loud clang. The sound of vomiting echoed through the small apartment seconds later.

The truth was, Kei had played through various scenarios of how this meeting would turn out. What he could say and what Niichan might answer. He even thought of where to put his hands to appear less nervous. But standing in the living room, holding onto the box with mom’s marinated pork while listening to his brother vomit into the toilet next door hadn’t been one of them. Definitely not.

He placed the box back inside his sports bag, put it down and slowly moved to check on his brother.

It was a miserable sight, really. Niichan’s shoulders were heaving violently, his entire body shaking. Do something. Kei’s legs refused to move though and his arms were just as useless, dangling at his side.

He remembered a time years ago, he must have been seven or eight years old. It had already been past midnight and he had woken feeling horrible and soon his stomach had started to constrict until he had thrown up in his room. Gladly, the sound had woken Niichan and when he had come checking on his little brother, had found a weeping mess covered in puke. He remembered his gentle hands, so much bigger than his own, and the worried look on Niichan’s sleepy face. The feeling of his strong arms holding him close as he had carried Kei to the bathroom. Niichan hadn’t hesitated one second, even though Kei had tried to protest weakly, not wanting to soil Niichan's clothes. He had put him down in front of the toilet and stayed with him, soothingly rubbing his back until the second wave had been over too. Back then, Kei had believed that this was the end. He'd surely die. There was just no way he could get back on his feet. But when he had looked at his brother’s face and saw him smile back at him saying “It’s alright, you’ll feel better soon. Believe me,” he knew he'd be okay. Niichan was there. And that had made everything better, really. He had even been allowed to sleep in his bed afterwards due to his own being a mess. He never told him how much that had meant to him back then.

It was strange seeing his brother as weak and vulnerable as that.

Even after that day.

Somehow he still expected him to be invincible. The thought made his heart ache.

Stupid boy.

Even after all these years, after knowing how this kind of thinking had made Niichan suffer, he still couldn’t stop himself.

Before he even realised, his knees hit the cold tiles next to his brother and Kei reached out to gently rub his back because really, what else was he supposed to do? It had helped him a lot back then so maybe he could do the same for his brother. Kei probably would have left the room if it were anyone else. He hated the stench and the noises, it made him feel sick too. However, this was Niichan. He just couldn't leave him alone like that.

Eventually his body relaxed and the vomiting came to an end, leaving silence more uncomfortable than the nauseating sounds moments before.

 

* * *

 

He didn't move.

Just stayed put, resting his head on the toilet seat because it was cool and his face was hot and he felt dizzy and absolutely wasted and he really didn't have the strength to even lift his arm and flush the toilet. Kei must have noticed because he suddenly reached out to flush it for him. Or maybe he was just bothered by the stench. Yeah. The stench.

The sound of running water rang through the tiny room and Akiteru was surprised to find that his little brother wasn’t seated next to him anymore. When did he even get up? A few seconds later, the water was turned off and Kei crouched down next to him again, staring at his face.

This was the worst.

His brother shouldn't have to sit here and smell the stench of his vomit. He shouldn't have to see his big brother like that.

Another disappointment.

When Kei touched the cool damp towel to his face, he couldn't help but let a groan escape his mouth. Savouring the caress, his eyes drifted close on their own accord and Akiteru tried to focus on anything but the taste in his mouth.

God, he felt like a mess.

He had already thrown up four times since lunch and each time had made him feel worse. As a matter of fact, that was probably the reason why his stomach hurt so much and why he felt so alarmingly weak.

It had been hard enough keeping himself on his feet when Kei had showed up at his door. Stupid him had tried to look nonchalant in order to hide how awful he had been feeling and had decided the best way to achieve that would be to run around the room picking up dirty clothes. He realised how truly stupid that idea had been once his head had started spinning like one of these blinking amusement park attractions and his skin had started tingling all over. To make things worse, the temperature of his face had changed between hot and cold and back to hot within seconds, at least that's what it had felt like.

That’s when he had known he would likely have to throw up again.

The only question had been, how long could he keep it in? Admittedly, he had hoped that as long as he kept his lips tightly pressed together, he could manage to hold it in until Kei was out the door again.

Didn’t his little brother mention he had to catch the next train home?

Then Kei had wiggled the damned pork in front of his face and all he could look at was that fucking meat moving inside that container, small parts of it sticking to the side of the box. The familiar taste of gastric acid had started to burn in his throat then, climbing upwards rapidly.

One of the latest issues of Body and Mind had featured an article about the training of shaolin monks. The author had claimed that even the youngest possessed such an amount of control over their own body that they likely could keep from throwing up by pure willpower. Obviously, Akiteru wasn’t fit to be a shaolin monk. Not in the slightest. Because for him there had been no way to control the sudden retching and before he knew what was happening he'd already pressed his hands to his mouth to keep from vomiting at his brother’s feet.

Because that really would have been the worst.

It was only by sheer luck that he had managed to get to the toilet in time. It didn’t work out like that the first two times. And wouldn’t that have been a sweet sight for Kei to remember? His big brother puking all over his living room and in the process soiling himself AND parts of his furniture.

Yeah, good thing he reached the bathroom in time.

He forced his eyes open, blinking a few times to clear his vision, confirming that, yes, he had indeed managed to look like a joke in front of Kei again. That sorry look on his brother’s face had still been fresh in his memories, he really didn’t need to see it directed at him yet again.

What a sorry excuse of a big brother he was.

Kei continued to wipe his face with the towel, brushing away strands of hair sticking to his forehead.

Akiteru really wanted to cry, add insult to injury so to speak. As if Kei hadn’t already been disappointed enough in him. No, he just had to go and make it worse. God, and here he had thought they were finally starting to move towards each other. His vision started to blur again. All he wanted to do was close his eyes and sleep and never wake up again.

However, this was the first time for Kei to visit him, so maybe he should at least make an effort and try and talk to him. He absolutely needed to tell him how sorry he was for all of this. Not that an apology would erase this new memory from Kei's mind. Because it definately wouldn't. He still wanted to. But he just couldn't keep his eyes open any longer now. And God, he was sure the moment he opened his mouth he'd throw up again and he really wanted to avoid that no matter what. To his annoyance, the bitter taste in his mouth wasn't helping at all. He needed to brush his teeth.

Akiteru absentmindedly noted that the towel was gone when hands were suddenly shoved under his arms to drag him up. The walls started bending and moving on their own and Akiteru almost expected to come crashing down to the floor any second now but Kei’s arm snaked itself around his waist to support his weight while slowly leading him to his bedroom.

God, when did his little baby brother grow so tall? Five years sure were a long time at that age. One day you’re taking your little brother on a piggyback ride and the next he’s already some centimeters taller than you, acting all grown up.

He really should have been there.

Maybe if he hadn’t decided to move for college, if he had stayed at home instead, Kei would have learned to smile at him again. Maybe time together instead of apart would have healed their relationship.

Regrettably, Akiteru had been too weak and too much of a coward to find out.

He had taken the easy way out and left, so he supposed it was only fair that he took responsibility for his actions. For all of them. He really didn’t blame Kei for being disappointed in his big brother. After all, Akiteru had been disappointed in himself the most.

The urge to hug his little brother, to ruffle his hair and kiss his cheek was more prominent now that he was so close. It hurt to know that the actions probably wouldn’t be welcome anymore, would likely never be welcome again.

However, no matter how much he understood his brother’s behaviour towards him, it still hurt. He could cope with it today though, accept it. Akiteru was older now, more mature. Sadly, things had been different back then. He had been different. At that time he just couldn’t take it.

Feeling like a complete failure had already been painful enough. But he had been used to that. After all, he had had three years getting used to it. Waking up one morning, looking into the mirror and realizing that this person looking back at you wasn’t who you thought it was had been new but he surely could have managed that too after some time.

But nothing could have prepared him for a time when his beloved little brother wouldn’t smile at him anymore, wouldn’t even talk to him, would instead avoid him and lock himself up in his room. Seeing the hurt in Kei’s eyes, the disappointment, that’s what had pained him the most. Dark thoughts had clouded his mind constantly then, moving on had seemed impossible. If someone had given him the chance to turn back time he would have gladly taken it without a second thought, even if that had meant losing some of the happiest memories too. But a person like that didn't exist. The damage had been done and it had been entirely his fault.

He remembered how the lies had started.

Akiteru had genuinely believed that he only had to tell them a few times so his little brother wouldn't be sad and worried, that he would be playing in matches for real again soon. That the little well-intentioned lies would merge with the truth sooner rather than later and not matter anymore in a few months' time. He couldn't pinpoint the exact moment when he had crossed the line and telling the truth hadn't been an option anymore.

He had wanted to.

He really had wanted to.

So many times.

He remembered all the times he had entered through the main door with the resolve to finally tell Kei the truth. Yet when his baby brother had looked at him with huge eyes, filled with love and admiration, asking how the match went and if he did a lot of spikes again, he just couldn't. How was he supposed to explain the weeks, the months, the years of lying?

Wouldn't he be even more disappointed now?

Wouldn't he be sad?

Wouldn't he hate his pathetic lying brother now?

Akiteru never had the guts to find out.

It had been the last match of his high school days. Everything would have been over. Just this one match, one more lie and he would have been free. He wouldn't have to lie to Kei ever again.

But back then things had never turned out the way he had wanted them too.

Kei had found out then. His stupid little ... lovely brother had wanted to support him during his last match, just to realise what his big brother had really been all these years.

A liar.

A pathetic liar who hadn't deserved any of his love and admiration.

Akiteru had wanted to explain himself, but really, what would that have changed? Kei had stopped talking to him then, avoided him. He had stopped smiling too.

And it had dawned on him that he had lost the trust and love of the only person that had ever mattered. That's when Akiteru had felt truly lost, truly alone.

That’s when he had snapped.

It was all a blur. He barely remembered ripping all the stupid posters off his walls, scraping his knuckles on the rough surface, trashing books and cds, trashing everything. Destroying reminders of a better time and a time filled with lies and failure. That still hadn’t been enough though. The feeling had still been there and no matter what he did or how much he cried, it just wouldn’t go away. He had wanted to break the glass of his windows, he couldn’t say why but he had wanted to. There had been this unbearable feeling of anxiety, some kind of pressure from deep within, choking him slowly. He would have done anything for it to stop, especially the tingling. Yeah, that one had been the worst. The feeling of something crawling up right beneath his skin, up his arms and down his back. That’s when he had understood why some people cut their flesh. Of course he hadn’t done that. But he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t wanted to.

Not that it mattered today. He was fine now.

Well, apart from the vomiting that was.

The moment he laid down, his stomach twisted again. Groaning, Akiteru tried curling up on his side, sending silent prayers to various gods, all of them begging to please not let him throw up again.

Kei tugged at his shirt and jeans to get them off, cursing under his breath because Akiteru didn't make it any easier for him, although he tried. His clothes probably smelled as badly as him. He had likely stained them too.

Great.

Akiteru heard himself murmur things like "... you don't need to do this," and "I'll be fine, really.” One was supposed to be a "... you should go home.” He didn't know what it actually sounded like to Kei's ears though.

The sudden cool air on his skin caused him to shiver, goose bumps spreading across his arms. He wanted to complain but a blanket was already tugged around his body then, warming him. The taste in his mouth was killing him and he tried asking “Could you get me the mouthwash?” However, he might have only managed a muffled “mouthwash,” he really wasn't sure. It didn't matter anyway because Kei left and when he returned, a bottle was shoved to his lips. He opened his mouth to let the blue liquid flow inside and erase the bitter taste of gastric acid. Some of it ran down his cheek and dropped on his blanket, leaving blue stains to wash out in the morning.

He wondered what time it was.

A hand lifted his head and led it to the edge of the bed where a bucket was already waiting for him to spit the mouthwash into. He suddenly remembered that his little brother had mentioned a practice match today and he wanted to ask him how it went and if they had won but his voice failed him and moments after his head touched the pillow again, darkness took over.

 

* * *

 

Even breathing indicated that his brother was already fast asleep. Kei really needed to calm down. He needed to leave the room and get some distance, some room to think and calm his nerves.

He decided to leave the bucket next to Niichan’s bed. Just in case.

His hands were still shaking slightly and he felt restless. He wanted to touch Niichan. Lie down beside him and hold his hand like he had sometimes done when he had been little. Back when things were still okay between them. He wanted to run his hand over Niichan's head and tell him “It's alright. I'm here. I'll take care of you this time.” He clenched his fist instead.

He really needed to calm down.

Breathing heavily, Kei hurried out of the bedroom, leaving the door slightly ajar.

Just in case.

When he called their mother to tell her that Niichan was sick and that he would be staying over for the night because … because he'd probably not make it in time to catch the last train, he’d expected her to be angry. Tomorrow was Friday after all and he needed to go to school.

She wasn’t though.

He still heard himself say "I can go to school from here. I'll just leave a bit earlier. It's no big deal." He did have his school uniform with him and as for the books he didn't pack ... he could just ask Yamaguchi to share with him. He surely wouldn't mind. He ended the call a few moments later, promising to call his mother first thing in the morning and tucked the cell phone back into his jacket.

Lifting his head, he finally took the time to look around. This was his brother’s home now. Somehow, Kei had always wondered what it looked like but thought asking that question was silly. No description would have been detailed enough to satisfy his curiosity anyway, so he had never asked. The furniture and the layout were one thing, feel and smell another. It smelled nice. Definitely not like the house he called home but still nice. Different. Yet when he closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, it just smelled like Niichan.

The apartment wasn’t too big but compared to their house, had larger windows to let daylight in. Sadly the sun was already set now so the only source of light was artificial - street lamps, lit windows and cars passing by. Besides the bedroom there was only the slightly larger living room with adjacent kitchen. Kei thought about watching TV but decided against it because the sound would surely disturb Niichan's sleep. So he opted for putting his headphones on and reading that new book he had bought yesterday. He fished it out of his bag and sat down on the couch. His hands were still shaking slightly.

Calm down already.

He flipped the book open and began reading the prelude. As he was about to turn the page, Kei realised that he had no recollection of what it was he had just read. So he started reading it again. The letters turned into one blurry mess after the third time so he put the book down with a sigh. Kei scanned his surroundings. Where did Niichan store his books anyway? He wondered what kind of books he liked to read these days. What kind of music did he listen to? Was it a lot different from what Kei liked? Would he enjoy the playlist on his iPod? Would he know the songs? Kei pressed a button, skipping to the next song.

Stupid things to ponder about.

A wall with framed photographs drew his attention then and he approached it, curious of what his brother deemed important enough to display like that. Strangers stared back at him, laughing in his face. Niichan was there too, laughing with them. They must have been Niichan's friends or people he knew pretty well. One of the photographs was of his volleyball team, another one could have been from college or work. Kei didn't remember ever seeing any of their faces before. But then again, Niichan hadn’t really brought a lot of friends home and Kei supposed, that even if he had seen them in the past, he wouldn’t remember. Not that it was of any importance who they were.

He hated every single one of them anyway.

His eyes skimmed over the pictures before stopping at one photograph to the far left. It was older than the rest of them and looking at it turned out to be a lot more painful. Dad had taken it with automatic release during one of their holidays years ago. His parents were both smiling at the camera. They were all smiling. Niichan was holding Kei in his arms, pressing their faces together, grinning, while Kei made two victory signs, grinning just as broadly as Niichan.

The pain and sadness spread through his body like poison, rushing through his veins, threatening to kill him slowly but surely. He had to avert his eyes then, it just hurt too much.

Maybe he should just try and get some sleep. It was nearly 10pm and he was tired from school and today's training. Moreover, he will have to leave at least half an hour earlier than usual in order to be on time and not miss the train for school.

Yeah, sleep would be a good idea.

He entered the bathroom and washed his face before reaching to grab his toothbrush and realising that there only was one. And it wasn’t his. Of course it wasn’t. After all, he didn't bring one.

Well, he'd have to go without brushing his teeth then. Kei made a face. Tomorrow would be a pure pleasure to be around him for sure.

He thought of wearing his sports shirt for sleep but it was smelly and he wasn't sure if he could fall asleep like that so he searched for some kind of alternative. His eyes locked onto the plastic bag he had brought with him.

The one with Niichan's clothes.

He picked one shirt and quickly changed into it. Too big. Well, not that he expected anything else.

Taking a last look at his surroundings, he turned off the light and slowly felt his way towards the couch. Kei flopped himself down and unfolded a fleece blanket, covering himself with it. Unfortunately, it didn’t take him long to realise that the couch wasn't as comfortable as it had initially seemed. The leather suddenly feeling less soft and too cold against his bare skin, producing strange noises whenever he moved. Kei spent a long time tossing and turning, trying to find some sleep but eventually gave up and found himself wide awake, staring at the ceiling. A shiver went through his body, the fleece too thin to keep him warm for long. How was he supposed to find sleep here?

A faint groan sounded from the bedroom, drawing his attention to the half-opened door and what was behind it.

Was Niichan awake? Did he have to throw up again?

Would he need his help?

When a second groan reached his ears, Kei got up and tiptoed over to check on his brother, fleece tugged tightly around his shoulders as he entered the bedroom, slowly approaching the bed. Apparently, he was still asleep. Though compared to some hours ago, he looked a lot better. When lips moved to mouth unintelligible words, Kei wondered if Niichan had always talked in his sleep. Knitted eye brows and a slightly uneasy expression, however, suggested that he was likely just having a nightmare of sorts so Kei tried to calm him down by touching his head. Warily at first but when his brother didn't wake up, he got a lot bolder and started stroking his head lightly. Niichan's hair felt much softer than his own. Had that always been like this? Kei couldn't remember. He ran his fingers through the soft strands and gently kneaded his scalp.

"Kei," Niichan murmured his name and Kei couldn’t help but feel his heart make a short leap. The nightmare seemed to have passed easily, judging from how his brother had calmed down, his face relaxing. Kei should leave now. Return to the cold couch and let his brother rest.

Except he didn't want to. It was stupid, really.

But he wanted to stay here with Niichan. Kei suddenly felt small again, transferred back in time. He could almost hear his mother calling from the kitchen, telling him to let his brother rest and come eat. Now you’re really losing it.

Back then, he had often stood in front of his brother’s bed like that, staring at him, complaining that he shouldn’t be sleeping when he had promised to practice receives with him. But Niichan wouldn’t get up. He would just stay put, already half asleep, too exhausted from training to spend time with him. Sometimes he would mumble an apology. However, Kei had always been too stubborn to leave. After all, he had waited the entire day to have Niichan for himself, he had looked forward to it, had been all excited, so no, he wouldn’t just leave now. Kei would always climb into Niichan’s bed then, curl up next to him and announce that if Niichan didn’t get up, he’d just have to stay here with him.

To tell the truth, he had never minded much. Of course he preferred his brother awake, smiling at him, talking to him, but once in a while dozing off surrounded by Niichan’s warmth and scent felt nice too. And sometimes, if he had been able to stay awake long enough, he would hear Niichan mumble his name paired with a whispered “love you, little one” before he had pulled him close.

Yeah. That had always felt a thousand times better than practicing receives.

Kei wondered if it would still feel the same, if he would still feel the same, safe and loved. He wondered if the past five years had been enough to kill old habits or if Niichan would still pull him close, subconsciously, and tell him that he loved his little brother.

He hated himself for how much he wanted him to.

The more he thought about it, the more inviting and comfortable the bed looked and the less he felt like resisting the urge to just climb in and fall asleep. The bed was large enough to fit both of them and Kei guessed that as long as he didn't wake up his brother it should be alright. He’d finally be able to sleep and he could just leave before Niichan woke. He wouldn’t have to explain a thing. Niichan wouldn't even know.

Right?

Chewing on his bottom lip for a while, pondering about what to do, he finally settled down next to his brother, carefully, to keep the mattress from moving too much. The bed was much more comfortable than the couch had been, he decided. The warmth radiating from Niichan's body felt nice too.

Yeah. Being here with him still felt nice.

He watched Niichan's face and found features he remembered all too well and some that hadn't been there years ago. Stop being like that, he told himself. Kei removed his glasses and put them on the floor next to the bed, then covered himself with the fleece blanket he had brought from the couch. It was better than nothing, even though he already felt the cold creeping up on him.

He turned to face his brother again, his vision slightly blurry now. Normally it didn’t matter; he didn’t need to see clearly when he was supposed to sleep anyway. But right now, he hated nothing more than not seeing Niichan's face clearly.

Scooting a bit closer, Kei laid his head right next to his brother’s, feeling warm breath on his face.

Much better.

He imagined that face lighting up with a smile and realised that he wanted that more than anything now. Unnoticed, Kei's breathing began to harmonise with his brother’s, and only a short time later, they were inhaling and exhaling simultaneously. That calmed him. It was nice. He hadn't felt this fuzzy in years.

Kei allowed his eyes to drift shut for a short while, reveling in that peaceful moment, before forcing them open once again. This time though, two bright brown orbs stared back at him, just a few inches away from his own. A breath caught in his throat while another ghosted over his face, tickling his nose and Kei wanted to run. Jump off the bed and run as far as he possibly could. Parts of him already did judging from his rapid heartbeat. However, his body refused to listen. Again.

As expected, Niichan didn't pull him close, didn't say a word. He just laid there, watching him intently before Kei couldn't take it anymore and averted his eyes, embarrassed. Disappointed. Had he really thought Niichan would still act the same after all those years in which Kei had been nothing but cold and indifferent? God he felt stupid.

It hurt.

It shouldn't, yet it did.

Now Kei wondered if he should apologise or feel bad for intruding his brother's personal space like that. How was he supposed to explain himself?

At least he wasn't touching his hair anymore. That would have been even more awkward, right? Caressing his head as if the past five years hadn’t happened at all. As if they were nothing but some painful nightmare and he had just woken up to find he'd worried over nothing.

He should move. Put some distance between their faces.

No.

Move out of the bed already and return to the couch.

I don't want to.

God, he felt like a bad little kid who had just been caught doing something he wasn't allowed to do and was now waiting to be scolded.

He flinched a bit when Niichan moved, unsure of what to expect, strangely afraid that he'd push him away. But the only thing unexpected now was the sensation of feeling his brother's warm hand on his cheek. His eyes darted back to Niichan's and for some reason keeping a steady breath seemed impossible now. Maybe it was just the ventilation in the small room because Niichan seemed to have as much of a problem breathing as Kei had. His brother still looked tired and weak. However, his eyes were kind and a small smile formed at the corners of his mouth. The hand on his face was burning as it started to caress his skin and Niichan's lips moved to form words but it took Kei a moment before they actually sank in.

"I really miss my little brother,” Niichan's lips started quivering. “I miss you so bad."

Niichan wasn’t supposed to say things like this, making his eyes burn and his heart clench. They weren't supposed to mean so much, to make him happy and sad like that. To make him want to curl up and bawl like a little kid. But Kei would definitely not start crying now. He was grown up, really, he didn't do that anymore.

"Do you have any idea how much I love you, little one?"

He wasn't crying at all. Niichan was. He knew because his voice was shaking and when his brother brought their faces closer, Kei felt tears dropping onto his skin. He knew because when Niichan pressed his face against Kei's and kissed his forehead and cheek, it was all wet. And maybe Kei was crying after all and that was why Niichan kept telling him in whispers "Please don't cry," and wiped the tears with his thumb.

He really was sure now that the sobbing was his own, so he buried his face in the crook of Niichan's neck, hiding from his brother's eyes, mouthing "I'm sorry” and “I love you" against his brother's skin over and over again. But his voice just wouldn't work so he clutched him as tightly as he could manage and hoped Niichan would understand. He needed him to understand.

 

* * *

 

When he had woken looking at his little brother's face just a few inches away from his own, relaxed with his eyes closed and calm, even breathing, he had thought that he might still been dreaming. That the frightening nightmare he had had before, had merged into a more pleasant and peaceful scenery. That the body next to him had been nothing more than a creation of his brain composed by memories.

In the past, he had often woken to find his little brother curled up next to him, sometimes a small hand holding onto his. But that time had been lost now. The little boy was grown, taller than him even and well, didn't really sleep next to him anymore let alone hold his hand.

Then Kei’s eyes had opened slowly, widening with shock and Akiteru had known for sure that this had been nothing but harsh reality. Any second now, Kei would get up and leave. They would never talk about it and Akiteru would never ask why his little brother had been lying next to him in the middle of the night to begin with. He had really wanted to know though. The question had burned on his tongue and he had imagined burying his fingers in blond strands, touching their foreheads together and just asking this stupid thing, prepared for any answer he might get. He had wanted to demand it.

He had prepared himself to grab Kei’s wrist to keep him from running, to pull him back and demand to get an answer when he had realised that so far his little brother had made no attempts to get up.

Akiteru couldn’t quite tell why but when he had looked into Kei’s eyes, silently asking that one question over and over again, he thought he had seen hope and expectation in them. Clear, caramel eyes flickering with these emotions, as if waiting for him to do something, before clouding with disappointment. Kei had averted his eyes then, long fingers fumbling with the fleece, stubbornly staying put, a small pout on his lips. Akiteru had almost forgotten Kei was fifteen then, he had looked so much younger like that. So much more like the cute little brother whose face he had sometimes woken to after a hard and frustrating training. The one whose smile had always given him the strength to get up again, to try even harder the next time.

The little brother who had meant more to him than anything else in this world.

Akiteru really couldn’t help it then.

The moment he had touched Kei’s cheek to tell him what he had wanted to say for years, huge eyes had stared back and suddenly all of his emotions, the pain and the sadness, the hope and the love had been reflected back at him. Even the tears.

"It's okay," he heard himself whisper into soft blond hair, voice shaking. Because it was really more than okay. His little brother's face pressed into the crook of his neck, feeling his mouth move against his skin yet no words reached his ears. And that was okay too. He didn't need Kei to say anything. He was happy enough to be able to hold him again. To have Kei cling to him again instead of slamming doors in his face, knowing that he still loved him.

The worst was that no matter how close he held Kei, it just didn't seem to be close enough. He needed them to be closer. He never wanted to let him go. In that moment, nothing really mattered - not work, not volleyball, none of his insecurities or doubts, not the world outside. All that mattered was holding his little baby brother close, kissing his face and head and wiping away his tears. The longer they stayed like this, the more desperate he got. As if Kei would make up his mind, get up and leave any second. As if he'd walk out that door and shut him out again, pretending none of this ever happened.

As if this was some kind of feverish dream, some kind of sick prank someone had played on him.

So he held his little brother closer, afraid to let go.

Still not close enough.

A shiver ran through Kei's body and when Akiteru let his hand run over his arm to soothe him, his fingers touched cold skin covered in goose bumps. So he tugged the thin fleece away and lifted his own blanket, offering more warmth, more closeness. He wasn’t sure if the gesture would be welcome and when Kei didn’t move, doubt and fear started gnawing at him. But then a cold arm brushed along his skin and hands began clutching at his bare back, followed by the rest of his brother’s body slightly pressing against him. He protectively wrapped the blanket around Kei, hugging him tighter, warming him and keeping him safe.

Still not close enough.

Kei seemed to feel the same because he was pushing against him, hugging him more fiercely than before now and then started entangling their legs, skin burning against skin, and even that wasn't close enough.

The last time Akiteru had seen his brother act this needy and desperate to touch and hold him was when the little one had to leave for summer camp with his class back in elementary school.

He had told him "Three weeks are nothing, you'll see! There’ll be so many fun things for you to do, you won't even miss your big brother! And before you know it, you'll be in the bus on your way back home!" But Kei had still refused to let go. To tell the truth, he hadn't wanted to let his little brother go either. But he was the older one, he needed to be strong for his brother's sake. He needed to show him that everything was fine even if it was just a mere act.

Three weeks. It had seemed like an eternity back then. Five years felt even worse.

So when Kei nuzzled his chin with his nose and kept murmuring "Niichan" whenever Akiteru planted a kiss on his forehead, he really couldn't help but cry even harder, holding his little brother even tighter.

 

* * *

 

It was there again. The realisation of how much Kei had hurt his brother. How much Niichan might have needed him back then. How much he actually suffered.

He clutched Niichan tighter, trying to hide his tears, trying not to make him worry. His brother had always been there for him. No matter the situation, no matter time or cause, he always put Kei first. But that one time Niichan needed him to be there, he had slammed the door in his face. He had left him alone. He should have been there for Niichan. He should have been the strong one for once. He should have told him what he had really felt all those years.

He should have said "It doesn't matter to me, you will always be my hero" or "Don't give up, I believe in you."

He should have said “I love you.”

But he had said nothing like that. He wondered if it was of any importance should he say it today. He truly has been a stupid kid. A stupid pathetic little kid who didn't deserve Niichan's love. Yet he wanted it all the same.

No matter what Kei did, Niichan continued to smile at him. He never got angry. He never hated his stupid little brother. He never blamed him.

"Thank you for loving me," is what he wanted to say. "I really love you too,” “Forgive me,” but he still hadn't found his voice. To his annoyance, whimpering and sobbing were the only sounds his mouth was currently able to produce and his inability to keep them in check just frustrated him even more.

Teeth dug into his lips to keep them from quivering, fiercely gnawing on the soft flesh until a metallic taste invaded his mouth. His chest felt heavy and the more he tried to concentrate on stabilising his breathing, the more frantic it got.

It was unbearable.

The wooden bed frame creaked as he shifted and tried to move his body closer, shivering whenever skin slid along skin. A strong calloused hand went from rubbing his arm to pushing against his back, keeping his body close, it’s warmth burning away the fabric wherever it touched. He tried to ignore the sounds escaping his mouth then, tried not to care how desperate he sounded. Kei just wanted his brother closer, needed to be held and hold him in return as he should have long ago. So when his whining caused Niichan to tighten his grip even more, to slide his legs up and draw him closer while whispering “I love you,” and "It's ok," against his temple repeatedly, he couldn’t help whining against his jaw again, on purpose this time.

For the first time in years, Kei felt connected again. Truly connected, like he belonged here and nowhere else. It felt like coming home. He never wanted to leave again. Surrounded by darkness, they must have given a strange sight. Two brothers desperately clutching at each other, moving against each other in an attempt to get closer, sometimes mumbling each other’s names as tears slowly dried on their cheeks just to make room for new ones.

 

* * *

 

Strong hands kept clutching at his back, long fingers digging into skin.

He remembered how tiny Kei's hands had looked holding onto his years ago. How the little fingers would grasp his longer ones to get his attention and how they would touch his face whenever he lifted Kei up. They definitely weren't tiny anymore nor cute. They might be even longer than his now for all he knew. That really made him want to put their hands together and compare them. He wanted to feel palm against palm, entwine their fingers and see if Kei's would still act the same despite their change in size. If they would curl around his and hold on tight.

Sadly this had to wait until later because right now Kei refused to let go of his back, desperately clinging to him and Akiteru didn’t have the heart to tell his little brother that he was actually heavy and that his movements turned the simple act of breathing into a real challenge. Long limbs were everywhere, sharp bones painfully pressing into his abdomen before jerkily smashing against his hip bone causing him to wince.

He understood.

He really did because he felt the same.

Five years of coldness and distance sure had made both of them desperate. He got that Kei wanted to make up for it but it was also obvious that he didn’t know how and that was absolutely fine. Today wasn’t the end of the world, they had all the time they needed.

Akiteru had tried telling him, whispering “It’s ok,” and “I love you,” while holding him close, doing his best to calm Kei down. The whining didn’t stop though, the needy sounds making his heart ache and he almost gave into desperation himself.

Almost.

Kei’s head crashed into his jaw then, pain shooting through his body, forcefully pulling him back into reality. Akiteru cupped his little brother’s face with one hand and brought their foreheads together, forcing air into his lungs with quick deep breaths, trying to ignore his aching jaw. Trembling fingers ran through short blond hair, gently rubbing the skin underneath while his thumb still busied itself with wiping away tears.

“It’s okay,” he heard himself say softly, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Warm puffs of breath kept touching his face and he nudged Kei’s head lovingly with his own earning himself a pleased grunt. Eager to return the endearment, his little brother rubbed their noses together like he had sometimes done when he was a kid after Akiteru had explained to him what an Eskimo kiss was and why it was so different from other kisses that people had decided to give it it’s own name. He had thought he’d never feel that again. Yet here he was, his little brother, 15 years old and almost 190 centimeters, giving him an Eskimo kiss. That actually made him chuckle, causing a stern look being directed his way. If he had known that he could wipe that look off his little brother’s face by simply rubbing their noses together in return, he would have done that a lot earlier.

Akiteru wondered if he was still the only one to see this side of Kei. If he was still that special or if others had taken that away from him as well. He hated the thought. It scared him because it made room for other emotions he’d rather ignore.

Like jealousy.

This was his. His alone.

Yeah.

Now it was him who needed to calm down.

 

* * *

 

More.

He could feel Niichan tightening his grip on his head, could feel his brother's hand shaking, his breath ghosting over his face.

"Niichan."

Even though it had only been a mere whisper, his voice rang through the darkness and it frightened him because he had never heard himself sound that incredibly desperate before. No matter how much he tried to make his voice sound normal, collected and calm, it only ended up more needy. As was the hand which had found it’s way to clutch at Niichan’s shoulder, keeping him close.

He heard the voice again when Niichan kissed his nose and cheek, his eyelids and forehead. He wanted to kiss Niichan too. Not just the Eskimo thing, rubbing noses together. Because while it had made Niichan chuckle and return the gesture, it was a childish thing to do. And he wasn’t a child anymore.

He also wasn’t an Eskimo.

Still, he wanted to show him how much he cared too. So Kei lifted his head to do just that but found it impossible when Niichan kept kissing his face left and right, never really staying still. He just couldn’t reach without knocking their skulls together painfully and his head still hurt from when he had smashed it into Niichan’s jaw minutes ago.

Anywhere was fine, really. Any place. Cheek, nose, forehead, chin, neck, any place he was able to reach ... he grabbed Niichan's head to keep him from moving the other direction again, then tilted his own up just a tiny bit until they were nose to nose – any place was fine – and kissed his lips.

They were soft and warm and they didn’t press back.

When he leaned back a bit, his brother’s breath was hot on his lips and when he looked into his eyes, Kei wondered if he had just crossed a line. It was just a short peck on the lips but still, that was something he shouldn't have done, right? After all he wasn’t 8 anymore. Out of all the places he could have picked, he kissed that one. Anything else would have been fine. Yet that was the spot he had wanted to kiss the most – wanted to kiss again. Because it was the best way to say "I love you." Because it had never been a problem years ago. Most of the emotions running through his chest right now were familiar. Some were new though and even while he had never felt them bubble up inside him before, he knew they had no place between two brothers and he shouldn’t be feeling them.

Not with Niichan.

However, Kei had always been a strange one, hadn’t he? What other people thought of him had never been important. Niichan was the only one who had mattered. Kei wanted to apologise, afraid of what Niichan might think of him now. That he would be disgusted and push him away because he wasn't a little kid anymore and he realised too late that this little detail somehow eliminated every ounce of innocence the gesture might have carried. But Niichan just smiled that gentle smile at him. The one that told him he was the most precious thing in this world. And it was now that he wondered how the hell he had survived without seeing it every day for the past five years. He heard his brother say "Thank you for staying," before he gently kissed his lips in return.

Strange how Kei couldn’t even remember the last time he let himself smile at anyone. He mostly never felt like it. Yamaguchi smiled plenty for them both. The kid would smile at the tiniest bits of kindness, it really didn't take much. Kei never told him but he actually liked that about him. It just wasn't something he could do. It never had been. Not even when he had been little. People had often called him a very serious child. He should smile more, they said. He should laugh and act his age.

He hated being told what to do and how to behave.

Why should he smile when he didn't feel like it? What did strangers care about his smile anyway?

He was who he was. If they didn't like that they could just fuck off for all he cared. He didn’t need them in his life. And he definitely wouldn't smile at them now.

But Niichan had always been the exception. He still was. The brother who encouraged him, picked him up when he felt like there was no way he could get back on his feet, the one who loved him for who he was despite his flaws, the brother who had suffered so much because he only ever wanted to see him happy.

He deserved to be smiled at by Kei more than anyone in this world. So he did. And he decided that as long as Niichan beamed back at him like that, they were anything but hopeless.