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July , 29.
I have two things on my mind: sailing and Moomintroll.
Sailing, because we went out to the sea yesterday. Only Little My came with Moomintroll and I, she was the one who found the shipwreck, while I was looking for shells with Moomin. There was a huge hole in the boat's side, and we were able to climb into it. Everything smelled of seaweed.
I almost fell, because of the slippery floor, which was covered with soaked moss. I was lucky enough not to trip, because Moomin caught me.
Anyways, as I said. The other thing I'm thinking about is Moomintroll. He's lying next to me, scribbling something in his notebook, but I can't figure out what exactly. He draws a lot lately. His notebook is small and its blue cover has a drawing of camellias. I can see that it's stuffed with tiny sticky notes, they're sticking out from the side. I thought I'd ask him about them, but I changed my mind.
It's been raining for a week now. It's not the best feeling, staying inside all day. Moomintroll told me I used to sleep in a tent, and I wonder what I did when it rained for this long.
Well, no reason to let bad weather sadden me. As Moominmama said,
"It's the middle of summer,
and you're a newcomer. So
don't forget about the rainshowers
and after them, all the flowers!"
Moomin shifted in the bed, stopping my train of thought.
"Hey," he said, while he sat up, sweeping the little white hairs off his bedsheet. His winter coat is still not quite gone yet. It doesn't bother him, or at least he said so, but he still seems frustrated by all the hair he's leaving behind. "Do you wanna do something, we used to do?"
"Of course," I nodded. He stood up, and walked to the tall wardrobe standing in the corner of his room. "What did you have in mind?" I asked, while he disappeared into his closet.
"Oh, nothing special," he said. "I just thought, y'know, we could do something." I heard something drop on the floor, which was followed by a small "oof", but I said nothing.
I noticed Moomintroll has quite a photo collection on his bedside table, all of them nicely framed. A picture of Moomintroll and his parents, from back when he was a baby. I didn't know Moomins are so small when they are kids, but oh well. (He really did look like a tiny peanut.)
Next to that picture, was one of himself, standing with his hands on his hips in front of a window. He looked rather silly, if you ask me, I liked the earlier picture a bit more.
The third one wasn't standing on his bedside table, rather it was set on a chest of drawers. I had to squint a bit to have a better look at it, my vision hasn't been the best ever since I've gotten this nasty scar on my head. The picture frame was made of basswood, and was nicely carved with little flowers as pattern. The photo was of something green and white… Is that Moomintroll and…?
I heard the wardrobe's door creak. "Aha, finally found it!" Moomintroll called out. I flinched, quickly averting my gaze from the picture. Must have been imagining things, why would Moomin… I mean it's… I can't write it down, it all still hasn't formed into words that I can understand.
Moomintroll didn't seem to notice my surprise, he still had a proud grin on his face, while he walked up to me, holding a gramophone over his head. I was confused. What are we going to do with that ? Moomin told me I used to make music, so based on that idea, I asked "Are we perhaps making music?"
Moomintroll chuckled, setting the gramophone down on the drawer. He put the picture down on the nightstand, and I might have stared at it a little. I think he noticed, but didn't ask. "We're not making music, actually. But you almost guessed it right."
I wanted to ask him; what he was talking about, but before I could, he took a disc out of the drawer, and put it on the gramophone. He struggled a bit with fitting it perfectly, and the music started playing scratched. He smacked the player's side, sticking his tongue out. I noticed he does that often, when he concentrates. I mean, not that he smacks gramophones, he just sticks his tongue out.
Once the tune was clear, Moomintroll looked pleased with himself, and turned to me, with his paw held out. He was looking at me with one of his eyebrows raised, a small smile on his face. A bit unsure, he asked, "May I have a dance?"
His voice cracked a little, but I paid it no mind, because of the burning I felt on my face. I realized my blushings were never caused by my reappearing fevers.
Regardless, I put my paw into his. It was soft and even though he has claws, it never felt uncomfortable to hold hands or intertwine fingers (we've done this more often than I realized). "I didn't know we used to dance." I said, meaning it as a question as well.
"Well it's about time you remember it." Moomin answered, pulling me up and holding onto my side with his other paw. I couldn't keep eye contact, but it didn't seem like Moomintroll could either. The music was soft, without any singing, and we stayed like this, without saying a word, for what felt like hours.
The tune felt familiar, yet so new. As if someone put an instrument into my hands, I could play it on it, as if even though I didn't see the sheet music, I could feel this feeling in my head and legs. It was like my fingers were ready to hold down the right guitar chords.
I tried focusing more on the music, but I've just locked eyes with Moomintroll and the weird feeling was replaced by another weird feeling. The feeling of… us being so close, Moomintroll holding onto my side and shoulder and me holding onto his.
I looked away right when he did. I'd rather look at that boring painting of a tulip, hanging on the wall, for hours than right into Moomin's eyes. I saw he peaked back at me, but I just kept staring at the wall, feeling very stupid.
I often wonder, what were we like, before all this, before I forgot. We were best friends, I know that much. But, do friends blush when they lock eyes? Do "best buds" (as Sniff says) dance around in their room to slow music? Do best friends take each others' hands, and don't let go of it for the whole afternoon? Or even just a few seconds that make your face feel like it's been sitting in a frying pan for hours.
Of course, that's just how best friends are. Best friends do slow dance with each other.
The song's instrumental part felt painfully long, Moomintroll and I were just kinda stepping around. I didn't really know if I should speak up or not, but I decided that even small talk is better than this nerve wrecking silence.
"I don't even really know how to dance," I said, looking straight into Moomintroll's eyes this time.
"That won't be a problem," he answered, smiling.
"How so?" I asked, ignoring the fact that I stepped on his foot again.
"You don't need to worry," He leaned in closer to me, now almost whispering. "I'll just lead you."
Moomintroll gripped my hand a bit stronger and grabbed onto my side with the other.
"Look, it's simple," he said. "You just step one left, two right," while he instructed, he stuck his tongue out, as he does .
"Then we step to the left again, now two times," I stepped on his foot again, he paid it no mind. "We spin,” Our tails swished by each other, he didn’t look into my eyes, but I did, into his.
“So, you’ll lead me?” I asked, chuckling, while we started to spin around. The song was picking up and I was trying to dance in rhythm with Moomin.
“Yes, I will.”
The singing started, but I didn’t pay attention to the words, I rather tried to not crush Moomintroll’s feet completely, yet I stepped on them again and again.
“Sorry-!” I said quickly. This was so silly.
Moomintroll laughed out louder than I expected, raising his snout and almost smacking my face. He looked back down at me, smiled from eye to eye, and without saying anything he hugged me close.
His arms were wrapped around me, and I held into his back, gripping his long winter coat.
“Oh, you didn’t change a thing.” he said, so quietly, that I’m not sure if I just imagined it or not.
“Hey, you know what?” He added, now a bit louder, but still directly into my ear. “Step on my feet, I can carry you through the steps.” I raised my eyebrow, but nodded after a second nevertheless.
I stood on his feet, I could feel his fur through my socks.
“Is this okay?” He asked.
I told him yes.
The music went on and we stayed like this until its end. I had to hug Moomin, if I wanted to stay standing, and he hugged me closer, burying his face into my neck, but still being careful with the cut on my head.
I tried not thinking about it all, the cut screaming out on the side of my head, my tangled up memories, the familiarity of hugging Moomin so close. But why shouldn’t I?
We decided we won’t care that I don’t remember anything, any of us . And yet we do things we used to do, set up our tent, go for night walks and slow dance in his room.
I want to ask all the questions that still fill me up, after 3 months of staying here, in their guest room, with that old creaky wardrobe. I want to ask him about us .
I noticed myself whispering the words of the song, but I didn’t care. I closed my eyes and let myself slip into Moomintroll’s embrace.
"Hey friend, it's been a while
Oh, I missed you so, so much,
But now that I could see your smile,
and felt your fingers on my face, oh
how I missed your touch!
We're slow dancing, just silence around
Oh, how I missed you so, so much.
Let's sneak out to my campground!
Run outside, our fingers intertwined,
hands tightly clutched.
And I leave, every year and yet
Oh, you wait for me, for so long,
You’re so alone then, just like me.
I sometimes feel like I can’t ever be free
of this weight, of my need to leave,
but I know you’ll be forever waiting for me.
I’m standing under your window now,
Oh, how I missed you so, so much,
Good morning, good night we say,
never letting that silent “Love you”
slip away."
The next thing I noticed was that the song was over, yet we were still holding onto each other for dear life. I thought of letting Moomintroll go, but… no, not yet.
For the first time in awhile, the silence didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable. Rather comforting if I do say so myself (but it could have been because of his soft paws stroking my back).
I buried my face deep into his neck, "Thank you for the dance, Moomee."
That's a weird nickname to accidentally slip out of your mouth, but that hasn't been the weirdest thing that's happened to me today, has it?
I felt Moomin flinch a little between my arms, before he looked at me again, ending our hug.
"Huh, well, it's really nothing," he said, quickly cutting off the end of the sentence. He looked at the gramophone and raised our hands up to his chest, still holding onto mine.
"It was your idea first, Snuf."
Moomin has called me Snuf, many times before, I never really gave it much thought. I'm only now realizing what it truly means.