Work Text:
“No. No. Nope - wait, wait... and nope for that one too.”
“You know sweet thing, it usually works better if you pick a station and stick with it stead of changing it every five seconds.”
“I like how you make that sound both like flirting and a complaint. Very impressive. Most people just yell at me instead, but you complain in style - and - could it be - no. Disappointment thy name is Tony.”
“What I’m getting from this is that you don’t like Christmas songs then.”
“Please it’s December, who can stand them by now? They put out the decorations in August and they start the music as soon as Halloween is over practically. It’s gotten to the point where I hate Christmas out of self defense. Not that it was my favorite before, but the industry has definitely made it worse.”
“There are two reactions to this and no in between - yours and Stevie’s, who would start putting up the decorations in September if I would let him. Believe me, my tolerance to the season is another form of self defense.”
“Oh Lovelace, that’s horrible. Also - Stevie?”
“He’s the one who stuck me with Bucky at age four. Little punk couldn’t have gone for a different version of James - oh no, he had to go for my middle name. It’s gotten to the point where no one even remembers anything else. Guess I should be grateful he didn’t use my last name. I’d hate to be stuck with Barney for the rest of my life.”
“Ah the mysterious origins of Bucky is revealed. Not going to lie, I was curious. And for the record Jamie isn’t much better than James or Jim or any other variation. It’s sad, my platypus is much too pretty to be a Jim .”
“I am both worried and intrigued now. Dare I ask what else you saddled this poor person with?”
“I take offense to that statement. Platypus is a fabulous nickname. It says that you are cute, unique and cool all at once. What other name is going to do all that? Certainly not Bucky or Stevie. Have some pride in your nicknames... What ?”
“Nothing darlin, just never heard someone make such a... passionate argument for nicknames. Or platypi for that matter.”
“There are so many things wrong with that I don’t even know where to begin. First of all it’s platypodes, not platypi. Don’t use bad Latin when arguing with me, it’s not cute. Second of all nicknames are extremely important. They say a lot about the nicknamie and the nicknamer. It can shape an entire person’s life! Poor nicknaming should be illegal and stop laughing at me asshole.”
“Sorry sweet thing, you’re too cute like this. How am I supposed to resist?”
“Don’t think you can flirt your way out of trouble.”
“Never.”
“Or that I will let this go.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it.”
“Bucky is uninspired and tragic. Some leeway may be given if this Stevie gave it to you when you were four, but that does not erase the sin entirely. Although you mentioned Barney and while I am tempted to ask - curiosity has always been my downfall - you’re right. Barney is worse. Who wants to be known for a purple, singing dinosaur for the rest of their life?”
“My full name is James Buchanan Barnes. Not much you can do with that.”
“Watch me.”
“I’d be afraid to stop you at this point honestly.”
“That’s right, fear my power. Muahaha.”
“Trembling in my boots right now darlin.”
“Why do I feel I’m not being taken seriously here? Underappreciated is what I am. Tragic, completely tragic I tell you.”
“Absolutely sweetheart.”
“There you go again. Between you and this music I am this close to getting out of the car and walking to the closest hotel.”
“And risk freezing that magnificent ass off of yours? Better not risk it.”
“I’ll become the next David then. Watch me .”
“While I agree that your ass should be immortalized, I think I have a cord in my bag to connect your phone to. Looks like this car has a jack for it. If you can reach it check the left side pocket, I should have packed it before I left.”
“My hero. Again. I will reach anything at this point to stop this torture. What kind of music do you like? I’m not going to get any kind of connection with this storm going, but I have plenty of songs already downloaded. Please tell me it isn’t country. I can’t stand country, nor do I have that taverstry on my phone.”
“Not country, no. You’re safe there.”
“You know that should sound reassuring, but somehow it isn’t. Tell me why do I suddenly have a sinking feeling about what you do like?”
“Because for someone so short you have a lot of big opinions?”
“ Excuse you I am not short . For one thing the correct term is fun size. For another, just because everyone is suddenly giants does not mean I’m short. I’m average height thank you very much. It’s the rest of you that has been drinking the water or something. Isn’t there a theory about steroids in the water? Or was that something else? Also what all the hell do you have in here? Boy scout much?”
“Ex military actually, it tends to stick with you. And menace is the correct term - you are a menace wrapped up in a seemingly innocent and attractive package. I like pop okay.”
“That’s it, stop the car, I am walking from here.”
“Well if you’re that determined doll just hop out. Don’t even need to slow down at this point. With this traffic you probably can make it to the hotel before I do.”
“Oh I see how it is. You’ve grown tired of me already have you. I knew it would happen, but I didn’t think it would be that fast. Think this is a new record for me actually.”
“Ah sweet thing, don’t be like that. If you leave I’ll never get a new nickname and be stuck with Bucky for the rest of my life.”
“You do make a compelling argument, but I’m still not sure if I can. I have to defend real music’s honor you know. Bubblegum pop is barely a step above country in the grand scheme of things.”
“Okay then darlin why don’t you tell me what ‘real music’ is then.”
“There you go again with your threatening flirts. I really do love how you do that buttercup, it really is impressive. Real music is the classics of course - Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, AC/DC, Queen, Grateful Dead, Foreigner, bands like that.”
“...right...”
“You don’t like any of those bands do you?”
“I’ll listen to some Journey and Bon Jovi if that makes you feel any better.”
“Let me guess - Don’t Stop Believin and Livin On a Prayer.”
“How’d you ever guess?”
“They don’t call me a genius for nothing after all.”
“Brains and beauty. Didn’t I get lucky picking you up.”
“You interrupted me in the middle of a panic attack in the middle of the airport lobby to ask me if I wanted some chocolate. Not that I’m complaining mind you, I love chocolate, but I’m pretty sure that doesn’t cover anyone’s definition of ‘lucky’ or ‘pick up’.”
“Beauty in the eye of the beholder sweetheart.”
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure you mean honey bunches.”
“Beauty, brains and issues. You really do have it all don’t you? I got real lucky picking you up - Oh don’t be like that, it’s the holidays. Everyone goes crazy around the holidays. Pretty sure it’s another effect of the industry you were complaining bout earlier. I have no regrets helping you out.”
“Way to lay it on heavy. If I didn’t know you were from Brooklyn before, cupcake, I sure know now. You’re sweet too, but I’m a Hot Mess all the time, not just the holidays. Good to know I’m not completely helpless looking though.”
“Have you looked in the mirror lately?”
“Normally? Sure I know I look good, I look fantastic in fact. That doesn’t change that I was freaking out at the time. I’ve seen what I look like then too. About the only redeeming feature I have then is my ass, as you have already pointed out. And checked out too, don’t think I didn’t notice that either.”
“It’s just so pretty I couldn’t help myself.”
“Damn right it is. If I were a celebrity it would be featured in the top five for sure. People everywhere would gaze at it and know instead of just everyone I work with. Which sounds great in theory, but is probably exhausting in real life.”
“Like how many people check out David’s bits every day?”
“That’s it, it’s official, I’m keeping you. You can come home with me and save me from the terrible, terrible disaster this Christmas is sure to be.”
“I think my family might object to that. If you recognize the accent you have to be from the area though right?”
“Manhattan born and raised, although once I finished my degree I left to work on the West Coast. I only come back when I have to - so when the emotional blackmail gets to be too much. Mothers play dirty that way.”
“Sounds complicated.”
“You have no idea. Frankly I’m sure you don’t want to know either. It’s all needlessly dramatic and heartbreaking and right out of one of those horrid reality shows. What about you?”
“Every year me ‘n Stevie’s family get together to celebrate. We’ve lived next to each other since we can remember practically, and we lived in each other’s pockets as kids. It just became natural to combine everything - especially since Stevie’s Ma worked as a nurse and didn’t always have the holidays off. Someone needed to keep the little punk company to make sure he didn’t get into trouble or get himself killed.”
“I’m sensing a story here.”
“You’re sensing an entire lifetime of me dragging his skinny, scrappy ass away from fights he could never win. Before he hit his growth spurt he was like one of those yappy little terriers, always barking at people and thinking he could win when he really, really couldn’t. Punk had a laundry list of things wrong with him too. He grew outta them, but not the fighting. We joined the army together. Someone had to make sure he didn’t do nothing stupid.”
“But he did?”
“He did. Afore we were both discharged it was a wonder either of us survived. But ‘nough bout that. What do you do for the holiday then if not come back here?”
“Between Mama Rhodes and Edie I never spend a holiday alone. I’ve been adopted by both of them and I’m not all that sure how. Especially Edie. Lovelace knows I love her, but I’m still trying to figure that one out.”
“With the fluffy hair and those doe eyes, it’s not a real mystery darlin.”
“My, you are sweet aren’t you? It’s still weird though. They’re Jewish, and while I have nothing against that, I’m not. Plus I still don’t know if Erik likes me or if he invites me because Edie insists. He’s like a shark.”
“He has bad eyesight and mistakes everyone around him for prey? He’s actually sweet, but everyone thinks he’s a vicious killer instead?”
“Thinks - ha! I don’t think there’s much mistake about it - for either of those. His boyfriend is the only person he likes for sure, although I’m sixty seven percent sure he likes me too and it’s not just for Edie’s benefit that I’m invited. Man is an amazing engineer. It’s like he can control metal with some of the things he can do. We like to compare notes, even if we don’t usually work on the same projects.”
“So what you’re telling me is that you’re a shark whisperer.”
“Oh Lovelace I love you.”
“Always good to be appreciated. So you’re an engineer then?”
“Guess that answers if you read the rags or not. Yup.”
“...why would you be in the rags if you’re not famous?”
“Because of who my platypus is. They love to make us out to be this scandalous love affair, it’s hilarious. Especially when they take the sugar daddy angle because there’s only a four year difference between us. I have all the articles saved to laugh at when I need cheered up.”
“That does not surprise me at all somehow. Do I get the name of this platypus or is it a secret?”
“If it was supposed to be, then I’d be in trouble. It’s just Rhodey, it’s not a big deal. We met at MIT, became friends and I went to work for him right away. He guaranteed me a place since he already knew what I could do.”
“That still doesn’t tell me who exactly you’re talking bout.”
“Rhodey? James Rhodes? Rhodes Labs International? Pretty sure you’d have to live under a rock not to know who I’m talking about.”
“Rhodes Labs International? Damn sweetheart, you have even more brains than I thought. Wait, Rhodes is your platypus? You mean you... oh god... damn I’m never going be... be able to keep a straight face around him again.”
“You know Rhodey? How? We are going to have words if he never introduced me to a... hmmm... hot chocolate like you. No, that sounds dumb even to me. Don’t worry buttercup I’m still thinking.”
“Oh good, I was worried. And I wouldn’t call it know exactly. I work in security now and we’ve had a few jobs with RLI. I was introduced, but that’s it. Sam is the one who knows him the best, with the whole partnership with the Air Force and all that.”
“Don’t worry pumpkin, I won’t let you down. Sam? What’s his last name? Sounds vaguely familiar.”
“Sam Wilson. Do you have to stick with food nicknames? Going to get hungry if you keep that up.”
“Hmmm, Sam Wilson, Sam Wilson, I’ll get back to you on that one. Sounds kind of familiar. But good point. I do have some blueberries on me though if you want some. ”
“...how?”
“My secrets are my own. Want some?”
“ Yes .”
“I approval of your enthusiasm. Blueberries are the superior fruit after all.”
“Plums are better.”
“Are you trying to make me get out of this car? You’re killing me here Buckaroo. Buckaroo? Yeah, no, too close to Bucky still.”
“What’s wrong with plums?”
“Nothing in particular, but they aren’t blueberries are they?”
“Strong opinions on fruit too. Okay then.”
“At least I won’t fight you to the death about candy corn.”
“...are there people who will ?”
“Sadly? Yes, I’ve met a few of them. You have to be careful when talking to them. They’re as vicious as anything.”
“Learn something new everyday. Does this mean you aren’t going to share though? That’s the one thing I don’t have in my bag. No snacks on airplanes.”
“I had noticed that yes. Honestly I’d be a little worried about everything you packed in here for a fifty pound limit if I wasn’t so impressed. Or both. I am both worried and impressive of your skills. Here, hold out your hand. I shouldn’t share with you after your blasphemy, but I suppose I can be generous this once.”
“Truly your kindness knows no bounds darlin.”
“I am a kind soul like that. Now I am going to put on some real music for the sake of your soul.”
“My soul?”
“Music is essential for a healthy lifestyle. It feeds the spirit. It brightens the world. It speaks of hope and comfort to all who need it. Music is life .”
“I’m not even going to try to argue with that one.”
“As well you shouldn’t. It will only lead to a poor and messy defeat.”
“So much attitude in such a small package. Is it a height thing? Stevie was the same way. Little idiot would defend anything to the death if he believed in it. Bout landed him in the hospital a couple a times. As stubborn as a donkey and as much sense as one. This is catchy what is it?”
“People Are Strange by the Doors. I thought it was fitting. And again with the height thing. What did I tell you about that?”
“Oh believe me sweet thing, there are plenty a things bout you to keep me entertained.”
“That’s right snowflake, talk dirty to me.”
“Snowflake?”
“Cause your my special snowflake.”
“You do realize that there is an opposite definition for that right?”
“Wha- oh right. Well that one is definitely out then. Alas the English language you have failed me yet again. Why must you - wait - Toucan Sam! I thought his name sounded familiar. So that means that your Stevie is - oh god. You know, suddenly things make a lot more sense.”
“Toucan Sam? That’s your nickname for him? Really?”
“Yes? Why do you sound so gleeful about that?”
“I am never going to let him live that down. Ever .”
“Ah, that’s why.”
“That is pure gold, thank you so very much.”
“I should probably feel sorry about that, but I don’t. Also I would like clarification on how Rogers, Captain Beefcake himself, used to be the equivalent of a yappy terrier. For science.”
“For science hmm? Well in that case a really good growth spurt in high school. Went from ninety pounds wet to the ass you apparently know today. Yes it looks like steroids were involved, no they were not.”
“Good growth spurt? I think you mean miracle growth spurt. And I don’t know him that well. I was tagging along with Rhodey when he was meeting with Toucan and Beefcakes just happened to be there too.”
“Small world out there.”
“And getting smaller. Oh damn, you mind if I take this?”
“Go right ahead darlin, not like we have anything else better to do.”
“Thanks. Hi Mama... Yes, I’m alright. Nice and safe on the ground with all of my limbs attached... No the storm delayed my flight... Yeah I’m on the way to a hotel now. I might end up being late unless the weather clears up... I’m not sure... No, that’s not... No... No... Mama, I... Yes, yes you are exactly right. I conjured up this storm so that I didn’t have to spend Christmas with you after all. How did you ever figure it out?... If I was then I would have spent it over at Rhodey’s or Erik’s without boarding a plane at all.... You know I’ve been over to Erik’s before... Yes, I was invited, of course I celebrated -... No that’s Hanukkah not Passover... Yes there is a difference. It’s- ... Mama, please ... I can’t control the weather anymore than you can... And how is that different from any other time?... I do try, he’s the one with the problem with me... He’s always ... I don’t care if he’s the king of the universe himself, I don’t... No... No ... Please Mama I am trying the best I can... Yes I- ... No, can you just... I do love you, it’s just... No I’m not... That doesn’t mean I have to put up with it anymore. There’s a reason I moved across country and you know it... How is this going to be different from any other year?... No... No , I- ... No, listen Mama I need to go. I don’t want my phone to die on me. I’ll call you when I get to the hotel... No... Yes... Yes ... Yes I love you too. Bye. Sorry about that.”
“It’s fine. Sounds rough though.”
“You have no idea. And once again, you don’t want to either. It’s a bad soap opera or something honestly.”
“Okay, but I’ll listen if you want sweet thing. Can’t imagine not wanting to hear anything you tell me.”
“I do love how you do that buttercup. Really makes a guy feel special.”
“You know it darlin.”
“You mind if I put the music back on?”
“Go right ahead. Wouldn’t want to put my soul at risk after all.”
“That would be a tragedy gorgeous.”
“Right, well I know you said you don’t want to talk bout it and that’s fine. But if you decide to bow out you are welcome at my place.”
“Well aren’t you sweet.”
“Frankly I just want to see Stevie’s face when you go around calling him Beefcake.”
“And I’m the menace. Right.”
“No idea what you’re talking bout... What song is this?”
“Life in the Fast Lane by the Eagles.”
“Anyone ever tell you that you have a real good sense of humour?”
“No.”
“Good.”
“Rude. That is so rude, I cannot believe it. Never have I been so insulted in all of my life. Never I tell you.”
“Somehow I doubt that.”
“It is. I knew things were going too well to last. All the good ones are always assholes in the end.”
“Aren’t they supposed to be gay instead?”
“That’s hardly a problem now is it? And don’t you smirk at me. Don’t think for a second that your good looks will get you out of this one. Being drop dead gorgeous is not a get out of jail free card.”
“Drop dead gorgeous hmm?”
“Don’t let it go to your head. I’m not the only attractive one around here. Stop smirking. No, stop it. Stop you look ridiculous, how is that supposed to be sexy at all?”
“Pour some sugar on me baby.”
“That’s the only part of that song you know isn’t it?”
“Pretty much yeah. Got you to laugh though so it’s a win in my books.”
“Ridiculous.”
“For you darlin? Always.”
“Oh dear I’ve fallen in with a devilish rogue. Whatever shall I do?”
“I have a few ideas if you’re taking suggestions.”
“Yeah I’m definitely keeping you around. No take backs now, you’re stuck with me.”
“What a dying shame that. Guess I’ll just have to suffer along with you then. How tragic.”
“Flattery won’t get you anywhere this time.”
“Well darlin how can I make it up to you?”
“How about an embarrassing Beefcake story?”
“Yeah, I can’t wait to use that on him. Hmm, which one to choose? There’s just so many good ones. Want to hear about how the punk got rescued by a kitten stead of the other way around?”
“ Yes please .”
“The amount of glee that contained should be disturbing, but it somehow ends up being cute. Okay well I said that Stevie used to be ninety pounds wet? Imagine that as a tiny, mouthy and fearless seven year old. He had been walking home from school one day when he heard some noise coming from an alley. Naturally Stevie had to go look - turns out some older brats were picking on a litter of kittens. Even more naturally Stevie had to step in. Five to one and he marched right in, fists raised. They took one look at him and bout laughed themselves silly. He didn’t take that too well, never did. Didn’t take long for him to start swinging. It was going as well as you’d think, but then, and this is the way Stevie tells it, a roar filled the alley. Not a meow, not a yowl or a snarl - a roar. Them boys took off running like bats outta hell, fast as they could. Turns out one of the kittens had one damn of a meow. Next thing I know he shows up with them, when he wasn’t allowed around me cause I was sick that day. Black eye, split lip, covered in dirt and bruises and grinning like a loon with an arm full of kittens. Little punk was too proud of himself for sense. Course he couldn’t keep em since he was allergic, but he tried. Was none too happy when he had to give Simba up.”
“I approve of this kitten.”
“Remind you of yourself Bambi?”
“I really do hate you. Cute nicknames aren’t going to change that.”
“Then why are you hiding that beautiful smile of yours?”
“No idea what you are talking about.”
“Course not. How bout you? Any good stories to tell?”
“Want to hear about the time me and Rhodey pranked the entire engineering building?”
“Do you really have to ask?”
“Right. Well it was finals week and we were pretty much done with life at that point. So we were strung out on caffeine, exhausted and more than a little loopy when we decided that it would be hilarious to stick all of the desks to the ceiling. How you may ask? With some very strong magnets from the science building. That night we snuck in, went through each classroom and I inserted the magnets in the ceiling while Rhodey lifted the desks up. And before you make another height joke I was only fifteen at the time - I could get up into the ceiling fine. Took all night, but it was so worth it.”
“You... you... oh god sweet thing. Did anyone ever find out?”
“Nope. Never. The cameras didn’t show anything that night. Strange isn’t it?”
“You’re amazing sweetheart. Also fifteen?”
“I skipped a couple of years in school.”
“Genius is right.”
“Of course it is, I said it. Damn I hate traffic. The hotel better not be filled when we get there.”
“If they end up being short on rooms we can always make like a couple of characters and share a room.”
“Why not go full out then and share a bed too?”
“Is that an offer?”
“Is that a yes?”
“I don’t know, could be dangerous with the way those bambi eyes are looking at me. Is my virtue going to be safe?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Oh good. We can watch a movie on my laptop and pretend we’re in a romcom then.”
“What movie?”
“The best Christmas movie of course - Die Hard.”
“I knew there was a reason I loved you sugar plum. Yes! That is it. You are sugar plum, it’s festive and it even includes your terrible, terrible blasphemy. What do you think?”
“Still food, but it works for me.”
“I still have it, go me.”
“As long as it keeps you smiling like that sweetheart. Bright enough to melt all this snow outside. Now turn up that music. Maybe if you spread the soul around a little bit then it will get people moving faster.”
“Led Zeppelin it is then.”
.
.
.
[An Epilogue of Sorts]
“Bucky your phone is ringing, it’s... Bambi? Just who is Bambi? Should I know this person? Is there something you want to tell me Buck? Something we should know?”
“Shut up Beefcake and give me the phone.”
“Beefcake - what - Buck? Hey get back here - what do you mean -”
“Hey there sweet thing, how’s it going?”
“As well as expected. You?”
“I just called Stevie Beefcake and then closed the door in his face. It was as wonderful as I imagined. Thank you so much sugar.”
“Always glad to be of service. Tell me is that offer to join you still open?”
“Sure is. Why? Everything okay.”
“Great. I’m on my way now. Text me the address will you?”
“Sure thing darlin. I’ll be waiting.”
“See you soon sugar plum.”
“You too Bambi.”