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“Sweetie, get your shoes on, let’s go!” Liz yelled musically over to Agnes as she finished up packing her daughter’s lunch.
The little girl quickly put her toys away and went to find her shoes. When she returned a few minutes later, Liz couldn’t help but smile at how cute her daughter looked. She stood completely bundled up in a purple coat that drowned her, improperly buttoned. A fluffy white beanie covered her head and nearly went over her eyes. And her face donned a bright, excited smile.
Liz bent down and started fixing her daughter’s coat. She looked at her bright eyes and thought back to her own mother. The way Katarina fought tooth and nail to keep her safe. Or so she says.
Liz swallowed thickly at her mother’s sentiment. She still didn’t know how to feel about her. Everything Katarina had done to get closer to her screamed at her to tell Reddington and the Task Force. But the promise of the truth blocked out all the noise.
Conflict still brewed in her head. She knew the same lips that spoke that promise held back a venomous bite, but she was tired of being lied to. Tired of other people knowing better than her, and tired of being kept in the dark.
Looking back at Agnes, Liz sighed. The little girl still held her hand, engrossed in a doll she was holding. She just wanted a normal life for her. In all the chaos, it felt like Agnes was her only light in the dark. Everything she did was for her daughter. But it never felt like it was enough. There were always too many shadows waiting in the dark.
Suddenly, she was brought back from her trance when a loud knocking erupted from her door.
Upon answering, Liz was surprised to be greeted by Ressler wearing casual clothes. He had a grin on his face that seemed almost apologetic.
“Ressler? What are you doing here?” Liz felt Agnes grip her hand and hide behind her.
“I, uh…didn’t know how you’d feel about it so I wanted you to hear it from me.” He explained, rubbing the back of his neck. “Rather than a phone call.”
“Hear what?”
“Cooper still wants a protective detail for you and Agnes. He still hasn’t found replacements for the last two agents, so until he does, I’ll be keeping an eye on you two.” Ressler explained stoically. “I’ll be staying in the apartment that woman was staying in; Maddie Tolliver. I just…didn’t want you to be caught off guard.”
Liz looked at his face with surprise. He held an expression that seemed like he was expecting her to be upset or dismissive, but all she could feel was appreciation. She wouldn’t put it past him to volunteer to watch over her. And it was endearing that he felt it necessary to let her know.
With a smile, Liz bent down towards her daughter. “Agnes, this our new neighbor. Uncle Donnie. He’s actually known you since you were a baby. Say, hi!”
Ressler knelt down on one knee in front of her and held out his hand with a grin. “Hey, sweetheart. It’s been a while.” Hesitantly, Agnes shook his hand. She jumped back a bit when Ressler let out a groan, jokingly pulling it back and shaking it as if it hurt. “Wow, you’re strong!”
Agnes burst into a fit of giggles. And Liz couldn’t help but stand back and smile at the exchange.
Ressler leaned in towards Agnes with narrowed eyes and a low voice. “I got a super secret mission for you. Think you can handle it?”
The little girl nodded excitedly. Ressler then reached into his coat and pulled out a stuffed puppy. “I need someone big and strong to take care of this little guy.”
Agnes gasped with glee as he eyes widened. “A puppy!” She reached her little hands out towards the doll, but Ressler pulled back.
“Whoa, careful! Those things are dangerous!” He chuckled. “Promise you’ll take care of him?”
“I promise!” She said delightedly as Ressler handed her the stuffed animal.
“What do we say?” Liz asked instructively.
“Thank you, Uncle Donnie!” She said, running up to Ressler and wrapping her arms around him.
“You’re welcome, sweetie.”
As he stood, Liz gave him a bright smile. “I feel safer already. Any chance you wanna come with us? We’re headed over to the park.”
Ressler looked surprised by the invitation and seemed conflicted, shifting his eyes between Liz and her daughter. “I, uh…wouldn’t want to interrupt your mother-daughter time.”
“Oh, come on, we’d love if you came. Besides, you can’t really be our protective detail if you’re here, right?” She said with a sly grin.
“Please, Uncle Donnie?” Agnes asked, looking up at him with familiar mooneyes and clutching her new toy to her chest.
“I can’t really say no to that, can I?” He chuckled.
The air was crisp when they walked out of the apartment building. Liz breathed in the brisk, morning smell, intoxicated by the fall weather and sighed with a rare calmness. Agnes was out of school for the holidays, and thankfully, Reddington decided to give them a break from cases. She was grateful that he wanted to give her more time to spend with her daughter.
Liz then realized that she had been walking behind the other two, though it seemed they had failed to notice. Agnes was talking animatedly, swinging her stuffed puppy in one hand and holding Ressler’s hand in the other, while Ressler seemed completely engrossed in what she was saying.
Liz was bewildered by how her daughter had taken to him. She was usually shy and apprehensive when meeting new people, but with Ressler, she seemed to be herself. Laughing and smiling as Ressler bent down to talk to her.
Her partner surprised her as well, talking to her daughter in a way she wasn’t used to. Sure, they had worked with kids before, but it was usually to calm them down and keep them from getting scared. With Agnes, he was playful and energetic. He was intent on forming a bond with her, trying to make her happy. And Liz couldn’t help but think about Tom.
She tried not to think about it often, but Agnes was growing up without a proper father figure. She didn’t have someone she could run to with a tight hug when she got scared. Someone to teach her about all the things Liz couldn’t. Someone to spoil her when her mother said, ‘no.’ It was one of the many things she wished she could change for her daughter.
“Mommy, come on!” Agnes called.
The sound of her daughter’s voice pulled her from her trance and she looked up to see that they had already walked to the park. Agnes had her arm stretched out towards her while her hand was holding Ressler’s. Liz smiled as she walked up to them and held her daughter’s hand.
“Everything okay?” Ressler asked quietly with a concerned look.
“Great.” She said with a smile.
Though he seemed unconvinced, he didn’t say anything more.
They then followed Agnes as she pulled them to a picnic table and sat down. She pulled out a coloring book from her small backpack before positioning her new puppy to watch.
“You hungry?” Liz asked.
Agnes shook her head and flipped through the pages of the coloring book. As she pulled out some crayons, Ressler excused himself to buy some hot chocolate for them. When he was out of earshot, Liz turned to her daughter.
“So what do you think of Uncle Donnie?”
Agnes smiled. “I like him. He’s nice and funny.”
“I like him too.”
Eventually, it got a little too windy for Liz’s liking and they decided to take Agnes back home, much to Agnes’ disappointment, which she showed by pouting the whole way home.
When they got back to the apartment, Liz realized that she had forgotten to pick up her mail.
“Hey, do you mind keeping an eye on her? I’m just gonna grab the mail.” She asked Ressler.
“Of course.” He nodded and Liz left the room.
She walked briskly down the stairs towards the mailboxes. Looking through her mail, she found an envelope sent by Aram, festively decorated and containing what felt like a greeting card. She looked over it appreciatively and had just closed her mailbox when the doorman, Matt, called over to her.
“Hey, Liz. This came for you.” He said, pulling out a medium-sized box from behind the desk and placing it on the counter.
“Thanks, Matt.” She said with a smile.
She lifted up the box and headed upstairs, noticing the fancy, calligraphic scrawl on the lid that said, ‘Merry Christmas’.
When she made it to her floor, all of the Christmas tidings in her head disappeared when she heard her daughter scream. She quickly dropped the box and rushed into the apartment.
Expecting a threat, she was completely floored by the sight that greeted her.
Agnes was running towards a small fort made out of pillows and a throw blanket in the living room. Giggling uncontrollably, she buried herself in her fort as Liz heard an exaggerated growl.
Liz felt her jaw drop when she saw Ressler ambling into the living room, his coat pulled up over his head as he waved the sleeves around.
“Where’s Agnes?” He growled, imitating a monster. He then looked over to Liz and dropped the coat along with the voice. “Oh. Hey.”
“How did you manage to build a fort in the two minutes I was gone?” She asked, unable to hide her smile.
“Well, your daughter’s kind of bossy…I wonder where she gets that from.” He said with a sly grin.
Liz rolled her eyes and laughed as she went back outside to retrieve the things she had dropped. When she returned, Ressler was picking up the pillows and putting them back in place.
“Any chance I can get you to stay for lunch?” Liz asked, putting the box on the counter.
“I’d love—”
“Aahhhhh!!!” Agnes yelled as she ran out from behind the couch and leapt onto Ressler’s back. “I got the monster!!”
Ressler seamlessly fell back into his role, letting out an exaggerated death cry as he laid down on the floor and closed his eyes. “Noooo!”
Agnes was a symphony of laughs and giggles, triumphantly climbing over the beast she has just vanquished and calling out to her mother. “Mommy, look! I beat the monster!”
Liz gasped happily at her daughter. “My little girl killed the big, gross, smelly monster?”
“Yeah!” Agnes said excitedly.
“The monster showered this morning.” Ressler said in his monster voice, while his eyes remained closed.
Liz laughed and pulled her daughter off of her partner. “Okay, sweetie, go wash your hands and we can eat some lunch.”
As Agnes ran off into the bathroom, Liz looked back down at Ressler, who was still on the floor, eyes bright with a smile on his face.
“So?” Liz asked. “Lunch?”
He got up with a grunt and picked his coat up off the floor. “I’d love to…but I’ve got some work to do. Couple of reports to go through and some vetting Cooper wants my help with.” He said, glancing at his watch.
Liz sighed and nodded. “Alright, But come back for dinner, okay? I can’t have you alone, working your butt off during the holidays. Especially when you’re just across the hall.”
“Wait!” Agnes yelled as she ran back towards them and wrapped her arms around Ressler’s legs. “You’re coming back, right Uncle Donnie?”
He turned to Liz, and she eyed him expectantly.
“I’ll be back later tonight, okay?” He told Agnes, running his hand through her hair.
Agnes reluctantly let go of him and he was allowed to walk towards the door.
“Ressler.” Liz said, with a serious look in her eyes. “Thank you for this morning.”
Ressler gave her one of his signature grins and walked out of the apartment.
True to his word, Ressler returned later that evening, dressed in his usual work attire. Liz had made a pasta dish that was surprisingly palatable, given her track record with cooking.
“I told you, I’ve been getting better.” Liz said smugly. “Last thing I wanna do is stuff her full of TV dinners and junk food.”
“I might have to start walking to work if you keep cooking like this.” Ressler said, wiping sauce off the corner of his mouth and getting up to help clear the table.
“Agnes, honey, go brush your teeth and get ready for bed.”
“Okay.” The little girl said, leaving the table. “Uncle Donnie, can you read me a story?”
Ressler glanced at Liz, looking for an answer. Though, it almost seemed to her that he was also asking for permission.
“Okay, but just one.” Liz said sternly. She then spoke softly to Ressler. “Go ahead, I’ll finish cleaning up. Don’t let her force you into reading more than one.”
“Yes ma’am.”
It took Liz longer than she thought to clean up after dinner, but when she walked into Agnes’ room, she figured the time she spent was well worth it.
Ressler was asleep on the bed, his arm bent around her daughter as she slept soundly on his chest, cuddled up against his warm solid body and clutching her new stuffed puppy.
Liz thought her heart was going to beat out of her chest at the sight of it. Ressler was fulfilling a role in Agnes’ life, one that she thought was never going to be filled. And he did so with little effort and without much urging. She had hardly ever seen Ressler as father material, but now that she thought about it, it made sense.
He was trustworthy. Protective and strong. She knew he would go through hell for the people he cared about. And he already had for her. And she didn’t doubt that he would do it all again if he had to.
Liz sighed and clenched jaw. Though he would undoubtedly take up the role and do a wonderful job, he didn’t deserve to be in her life. Having to look over his shoulder just for being associated with her.
Resigning herself to a night of sipping wine on the couch alone, Liz gently pulled the book out of Ressler’s hand and set it on the nightstand. She gave his shoulder a soft shake and a squeeze.
“Ress, wake up.” She whispered.
His eyes blinked open, then widened as he realized where he was. Gently, he extracted himself from the little girl, tucking her in and laying a soft kiss on her forehead as she thankfully remained asleep.
Liz felt like an idiot, almost shedding a tear at the sight of Ressler being so paternal. He was opening up her mind for a lot of thoughts that she hadn’t had time to think about lately. Though they weren’t unwelcome.
“Sorry.” He whispered as he followed her out of the room. “I must’ve dozed off.”
Liz smiled at him as she led him to the living room. “Don’t apologize. I’m…not sure she really remembers much of Tom, so…it’s nice to see her with someone. Giving her some of what she missed. She needs it.”
Ressler looked at her intently, then pulled her into a warm embrace. “I’m sure she remembers him, Liz. I wouldn’t dream of replacing Tom.”
She pressed herself into his comforting form. Would it really be so bad?
When they pulled away, Liz still held onto his sleeve. As if she was scared that he would slip away and disappear…just like Tom. It was a dangerous thought for her. Looking at her partner in a way that was more than professional. As a father to her child.
She shook off the invasive idea and flashed him a warm smile as she let go. But what he said as he left her apartment made her throat clench and nails dig into the palm of her hand.
He searched her eyes with a serious look and gave her that half-grin she loves. “Don’t worry, Liz. I’ll always be there for her…and you.”
Her bed felt colder than usual that night. Having been in his arms several times, Liz found herself wondering how much comfort they would bring in bed. She realized that he was one of the few people who could understand everything she’d gone through and help her through so much more.
Liz scoffed and shook her head. All it took for her to see it was a day with her daughter. He was definitely welcome; Agnes needs a father figure in her life. One that didn’t come from a family as screwed up as hers. And one that surely wouldn’t bring harmful secrets into their home. Yet all he did was protect her from them.
No.
It wasn’t fair to him. For her to think about him that way. He deserved so much more. Way more than what she could give.
Finally, she gave up her thoughts and draped a pillow over her head. She let herself fall into a restless sleep as she suddenly felt the cold weight of loneliness wrap itself around her.
As Liz had hoped, or perhaps feared, Ressler came back and spent more time with her and Agnes throughout the coming days. And each time he left, it became more painful for Liz than the last. Seeing how much of an effect he had on Agnes, she was brimming with joy, but at the same time, she was filled with disappointment. That all-too-familiar feeling of reality was always gnawing at her, reminding her that it wouldn’t last.
He had quickly bonded with Agnes, playing with her and getting to know her as her time off from school went on. Later in the week, he’d helped them put decorations up and put up the Christmas tree for them. Seeing him lift her on his shoulders to place the star at the top sent her into yet another pit of tempting, yet unwelcome thoughts. She grit her teeth through it all and focused on the festivities.
Christmas came quickly. Liz was surprised when a knock on the door prefaced not Ressler, but Reddington and Dembe. With a giant box in his hands, and an apologetic look from his bodyguard, Reddington greeted her with a “Merry Christmas! Where’s Agnes?”
She couldn’t help but fall into the holiday spirit when he spoiled people he cared about. Liz invited Aram, Cooper, and Park into her apartment, claiming that Reddington wanted everyone together, though she certainly wasn’t opposed to the idea.
They had dinner that Reddington claimed was birthed from the finest culinary wombs in the world and only hoped that his hands would be worthy of delivering such delicacies. Liz could only share a sickened look with Ressler at the metaphor. But of course, it was as delicious as he had described.
After dinner, they all exchanged presents and watched Agnes light up at all the new toys she had gotten for Christmas.
On one particular night, Agnes had tired herself out early when the three of them had spent the day out in the cold building snowmen and playing in the snow. Liz wasn’t strong enough to hold her tongue that night and invited Ressler to stay for a bit, offering to share the vintage bottles of wine that Reddington had left in the box he had given her.
The night blended into a blur of meaningful looks and warm laughs. She could make out the ever-present feeling of his arm draped over the back of the couch. The intoxicating aroma of his cologne floating in the shrinking space between them. He said something that made him laugh, and the rumbling sound of it had her draining the last of her wine, placing the glass on the coffee table, and moving her leg to straddle over his lap. She grabbed his glass and set it on the end table, leaning in to finally see if his lips felt like she’d been imagining.
She could taste the wine as he fell into the kiss, soft and tingly on his lips and sweet at the tip of his tongue. She pulled away, giving him a chance to breathe in the tantalizing scent of her perfume, but gave him no further respite as she planted kisses down his jaw and right up against his neck. Her hands ran through his hair, fingers nearly shaking as the soft locks glided between her fingers and held taut when she grasped them tightly. Liz reveled in the thrum that echoed against his throat, as a groan made its way deliciously into her ears. She could feel the day-old stubble tickling her cheeks as she dragged her trembling hands down his strong, solid chest and made her way to the cold buckle of his belt, her hips moving the entire time.
Then the warm strength of his arms tightened around her, pulling her off to the side so that she landed with her back against the seat of the couch and his weight settled lightly, yet firmly against her. She took a deep breath as she opened her eyes to take in the captivating sight, and was greeted by nothing but the ceiling of her bedroom, sunlight planted firmly against the white paint. She sat up, feeling her heartbeat banging against her bones, and looked over onto the other side of the bed.
The sheets were cold and clean on the bed, unruffled and bending only at her winded form. With a big sigh, she ran her hand through her hair and got out of bed. She padded over to the bathroom, stripping down before stepping into the cold, relentless spray of the untempered water.
When Liz heard the familiar knock on the door and Agnes’ excited yell, she was almost dreading having to open the door. But she powered through and let him in, greeting him with a smile as he returned it and offered her a fresh cup of coffee and a bag of muffins, much to Agnes’ delight. Being used to the exchange between the two, Liz happily went back into the kitchen as Agnes ran into his arms and was lifted up into a hug.
“Go eat your muffin, I need to talk to your mom, okay?” He said to Agnes.
Liz heard his footsteps as he walked into the kitchen, taking a seat at the counter.
“So what’s the news?” She asked nonchalantly, though still refusing to meet his eyes.
Ressler cleared his throat, though his voice dropped in volume. “Cooper’s found some replacements for your protective detail.”
Liz stopped in her tracks and finally turned to look at him. “Oh..”
“I’m meeting them in a bit. See what they know; how they are.”
Liz sat down beside him, her eyes watching her thumbs play with the sleeve on the coffee cup. “I can’t say I’m not disappointed. We’re gonna miss having you so close.”
Ressler chuckled. “You haven’t seen the last of me yet, Keen. I’ll still drop by. Look in on you and Agnes.”
Liz smiled. “Well, I appreciate it. Really.” She said, searching his eyes. “You’ve been really good with her. It’s just what she’s been missing.”
He looked back at her, not missing the solemn look in her eyes. “She’s a great kid, Liz. You’ve done an amazing job considering the circumstances. And besides…she's been a lot of fun.”
Liz couldn’t help but laugh. “And here I thought you didn’t know the meaning of the word.”
“Well, after these past two weeks, I’d say I’m pretty familiar with it.” He said with a grin.
“Uncle Donnie, look!” Agnes said, running into the kitchen. “I drawed you something!”
Ressler gasped with wide eyes. “You did?! Wow!”
“It’s you, and me, and mommy!” She said, holding up a small piece of paper.
Ressler accepted the picture and showed it to Liz. “Wow! I think you’ve got an artist in your hands here, Liz.”
Liz looked at the stick figures drawn in crayon. A small figure with short, brown waves on its head stood between two taller ones with a smile on her face, holding their hands. The word, ‘Me’ floated above the smallest figure and the word ‘Momy’ described the figure on the left, which had a similar smile and brown waves on the head. The one on the right was labeled, ‘Uncle Dony,’ and had a big smile and scribbles of yellow on the head. Liz could feel herself tearing up.
“This is awesome, sweetheart!” Ressler said, bending down and giving her a hug. “So…you excited for school?”
“No!” Agnes laughed.
“You’re not?!” Ressler asked astoundedly. “Why not?”
Liz furtively wiped the tears spilling over her eyes. She looked at the picture and smiled, thinking about how far they had gotten. From the bossy government robot she once knew to the kind, warm man talking to her daughter excitedly about his apparent love of homework and vegetables. Liz knew she had so much more to go through, but she also knew that he would be there by her side every step of the way.
“Hey, do you think…I could keep this?” Ressler asked her tentatively as he pointed to the picture.
She saw Agnes running out of the kitchen to play with her toys.
Liz smiled. “Of course.”
She watched as Ressler took the drawing into his hands and looked over it appreciatively. His lips cresting up into a longing grin. She studied him as he stared at her daughter’s gift. And decided then and there that whether she believed she deserved him in her life or not, she knew he was stubborn enough to stay.
Taking a deep breath, Liz walked up to him and spoke in a serious tone.
“We need to talk. It’s about my mother.”