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Don’t you call him baby. Don’t you call him what you used to call me.
He couldn’t avoid him. It was practically impossible, Buck had found, to co-ordinate his life in such a way that he’d never have to set eyes on that fucking guy. He was safe at home, of course, and at work- most of the time- but he seemed to turn up everywhere else; at Bobby and Athena’s house, at every stupid event the firehouse held, even in public while he was just trying to do his goddamn grocery shopping.
“Buck!” came a cheer from behind him. It was Christopher- and hearing that voice should make him happy. It always used to. That kid could have put a smile on his face while the rest of the world was burning down, but not any more; and it wasn’t even his fault. He turned around to greet him, kneeling down and putting on a smile for show while the dread tugged at his stomach.
“Hey buddy, how’s it going?” he asked, pointedly not looking at the adults pushing the shopping cart behind him. He’d missed Christopher deeply. Even before he and Eddie were together, he’d loved that kid a lot. At the time he would have said it was like having a little brother, but if he was truthful- he was always more of a son to Buck.
“I’m getting Cheez-Its!” Christopher told Buck proudly, swaying a little as he smiled.
“A little treat for the little man,” chuckled the voice he was hoping not to hear. His face fell in an instant, a tinge of regret stinging Buck as he realised that Christopher had to have seen that. He stood back up to full height, and looked the man in the eyes.
“Marco,” Buck said, a distinct lack of warmth in his voice. He didn’t have the energy to pretend he was anything more than irritated to see him. He knew he should be over it by now, that how he was right now was an overreaction, and pretty rude. But he couldn’t help it.
He and Eddie had been happy. He practically lived at the Diaz’s house, only ever returning to his own apartment when he got bored of the clothes he’d been keeping there, or to get important documents. For months, they were a family- he, Eddie, and Christopher. He'd thought everything was going so well, but the next thing Buck knew, Eddie had asked him to leave- he took back his key and gave Buck his belongings in a bag.
It wasn't either of their faults, Eddie had told him. Particularly not Buck's. He reasoned that he cared so deeply for Buck, needed him around for the sake of his own happiness, and that it just couldn't work because of their job. Eddie wasn't sure he could go into burning buildings every day worrying about the safety not only of the people he needed to save, but Buck as well.
He was a distraction.
Ever since then, things had just kept crumbling. He stopped seeing Christopher; it was just too painful. He spoke to Eddie only as much as was necessary for them to do their job, and tried not to bring too much of their home life into work- which only served to stick the knife in further. The 118 were his family, and to have to pretend that everything was completely fine in front of them was excruciating.
It only got worse when Marco arrived. Up until that point, Buck had subconsciously tried to convince himself that none of it was real . He and Eddie hadn’t really split up, and everything would go back to normal in due course. He’d never expected Eddie to find somebody else. Not so soon.
It was Hen who told him, in the end. Eddie had told the others at dinner, while Buck was off pretending he had better things to do than eat at the same table as his ex. She’d invited him to a restaurant after work, paid for his meal, and broke the news as gently as she could.
He cried anyway.
All of that came flooding back whenever he so much as looked at Marco. He had his hand resting on Christopher’s shoulder, in a move that made rage and jealousy bubble in his gut. He had no right to take his place. This stranger didn’t deserve Buck’s family. Even if it had been half a year since he was able to call them that.
“Everything good, Buck?” Marco asked, concern clear on his face. Buck didn’t want it.
“No, not really. But it’s not like you care much, right?” Buck retorted. He’d spent too long being polite, he was finally starting to break.
Eddie was shuffling on the spot beside Marco, clearly very uncomfortable. Marco shook his head, muttered something about childishness under his breath, and pushed the cart along, Christopher and Eddie following behind him.
Christopher turned back to wave at Buck. The smile he gave in return hurt.
Buck tried to go back to his usual routine of avoiding Eddie as much as possible. He’d never been particularly good at it, though, and he always ended up running into him one way or another. He was moving around the things in his locker, and had been for the last five minutes. There was no real purpose to it- they were having a slow day, and Buck was getting very bored. There were only so many times he could clean the wheel trims or make hot chocolate.
Eddie walked in as his third attempt at stacking his belongings as high as he could failed, the door slam shaking the lockers enough to cause everything to fall.
“I see you’re still acting like a child,” he remarked, nodding towards the locker. Buck hated that he was echoing Marco’s words.
“I’m just bored,” Buck muttered, not wanting to engage. If he started talking honestly, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to stop.
“And were you bored the other day? Or are you just rude to people’s significant others for kicks? Should I warn Athena?” Eddie wanted a fight, Buck could tell. The chill between them had only been heightening, and he supposed Eddie was sick of it by now.
“No need, it’s only yours who gets that special treatment,” Buck finally bit back.
“And why is that?”
“Do I even have to explain?” Buck asked, slamming his locker to emphasise his point. He cringed a little when he heard the stuff inside fall- he was in for a shitty time the next time he opened that door. “It hurts to see you with him, Eddie! And Christopher! I miss both of you and- and every time I see his smug fuckin’ face when he’s with the two of you I just want to punch him. All I can ever think about is the two of you, having everything we had, you calling him all of the things you used to call me, you with him in our bed. I can’t stand the sight of that bastard, Eddie-”
“Don’t talk about him like that.” The words stung. Eddie’s tone was all too familiar- it was one he used to use when he was protecting Buck.
“And why not?” Buck asked, walking towards Eddie in what he hoped came off as an intimidating manner.
“Because I love him!” Eddie sputtered, which only served to twist the knife even more-
“ You loved me once!” Buck yelled, unable to hold back any longer. Tears were falling from his eyes now, his vision blurring as he tried to wipe them away. “You loved me once.”
Eddie sat down on the bench, hands clasped in front of him as he looked down to the floor. There was silence for a good few minutes, Buck not knowing what to do other than just stand there, staring at Eddie and hoping for some sort of a reply; even if it came in the form of being slammed up against the wall and having the shit beaten out of him. He’d take any shred of attention.
After what felt like years, Eddie mumbled something.
“ Oh! He speaks!” Buck yelled again, not even having heard what Eddie said, but being pissed at how long it had taken him regardless.
“I said,” Eddie repeated, his voice still a low mumble, “I never stopped.”
“You- what?” Buck didn’t understand- why would Eddie say he still loved him when he’d moved on so easily?
“It’s true,” he sighed. “When we broke up I… I was lost in my own head for a while. My abuela and my tias were so eager to find me someone new that I ended up agreeing to go on a date just to shut them up. And then Marco was… nice. He was kind, and sweet, and patient with Christopher-”
“Well that’s just great, I’m so happy for you-”
“Let me finish. He’s nice , but it’s just not the same. There’s no spark , no excitement . I was risking my life with you nearly every day, then coming home and showing you just how much I loved you and how happy I was that we were both alive, and it was exhilarating. With Marco there’s… nothing. I like him. He makes me happy, but it’s nothing to what we had. I thought that being with you was bad for the job, that I’d get too distracted by trying to keep you safe- but that’s going to be the case whether we’re together or not. I never stopped worrying about you, even though I ended things. And I miss the excitement that used to come alongside that worry. I miss you.” Buck had no idea what to say. As far as he’d known, Eddie and Marco were more than happy together. This was the first he’d ever heard of Eddie not being content. “I was so bored with him, Buck- I just stayed because it felt like it was what everyone else thought I should do. What was expected of me.”
“Then why don’t you just- wait- was? ” Buck asked, head tilting to the side in uncertainty.
“I broke it off yesterday,” Eddie admitted, finally looking up from the floor and into Buck’s eyes. “For you. If you want me again, that is.”
“I- yeah,” Buck replied, near-breathless at what was happening. This was not at all how he’d expected this confrontation to go. He watched as Eddie stood up, walking closer to Buck than he had for the past six months. “I’ve missed you so much, you asshole.”
“I know, and I’m sorry. This whole thing has been such a goddamn mess, and it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have called it off. I regret it so much.”
“I think I can forgive you,” Buck laughed, a smile tugging at his lips as he felt those familiar butterflies settle back into the pit of his stomach. They froze as Buck realised something, “just one thing though; if you broke up with him yesterday, why did you just say that you love him?”
Eddie smiled. “I wanted to see how you’d react. And I was right, it made you even more jealous.” Buck should have slapped that smug smile off his face, but he couldn’t bring himself to be mad at Eddie right now.
The bell rang through the firehouse at that moment, both Eddie and Buck’s faces scrunching up in annoyance at the sudden interruption.
“Come home with me after work tonight,” Eddie rushed, knowing he only had seconds before they absolutely had to get moving, “I’ll make you dinner, and we can talk all of this over. Deal?”
“Deal,” Buck agreed, and the two grinned as they ran out to join the others.
If Buck knew anything as he clambered into the firetruck a few moments later, it was that this time, it would be better. They would be better. They’d talk everything out that night, work out all of the stuff that plagued them last time. They weren’t alone in this; they needed to face everything together, so that neither of them ever struggled silently. It wasn’t going to be perfect; it couldn’t ever be. But it would never be so bad again.