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"Hey, Chuuya?"
There's a sleepy hum of questioning, Chuuya's lazy response to show he's listening, even though he doesn't say anything more than that. Dazai smiles, shifting his hand through Chuuya's hair, stroking along his cheek, appreciating his ability to let go and relax in front of Dazai like this.
"I think I've been in love with you for a long time."
That makes Chuuya's eyes flutter open; not in disbelief, per se, but definitely at least somewhat skeptical. "... What makes you say that?"
It's a fair question; it certainly isn't like Dazai often acted like he even liked Chuuya, let alone loved him. Dazai doesn't mind the healthy dose of questioning. "Well... You said it yourself, right? Back when we were fifteen. You were the first person who made me wonder what it was like to want to live, at the very least, even if I couldn't say I wanted to live at that point directly. You at least made me curious about that feeling."
"Sure, but that's just because I was new and interesting to you," Chuuya says, though he doesn't seem like he's dismissing Dazai's words completely even so. "I don't think I'd go as far as to call that love."
"Well, it was more than that. I'm certainly not trying to suggest my feelings were in any way healthy, by the way; I'm sure back then it would have been more of a demanding, possessive thing. That's why I wanted you to be my dog: so that I could keep you with me always and make you pay attention to me. And, of course, just so that I could have something over you, but I think all of that probably was just a twisted way of my feelings manifesting. It's not like I would have recognized why I wanted to keep you so close besides that you were interesting to me."
"'Were'?" Chuuya questions, teasing, making Dazai roll his eyes.
"Yes, you are still interesting to me, Chuuya."
"Good answer. Well... I mean, I guess it might have been, then. You were possessive as fuck, but that would kind of make sense, if you felt like you didn't want anyone taking me away from you."
Jealous of... nobody? Of Kouyou, for taking Chuuya in and getting to keep him close while she trained him? Of Mori, for assigning Chuuya away from Dazai? Just frustrated in general because he didn't get what he wanted?
"But... I guess I'm glad you didn't realize it sooner."
Dazai hums mildly in agreement. It probably would have been... Not great overall if he had. "... Thinking back on it, I can't say for sure how I would have reacted if I figured it out."
"Me neither. It probably would have gone one of two or three ways, though. Either you would have gotten even more possessive and demanding and wanted even more of my attention, or you would have suddenly cut me off completely, right? Or maybe you could have backed off with the possessive tendencies just a little but still stayed close, but then I probably would have noticed you were acting weird."
Dazai nods. "Mm, probably one of those first two. Even then, it probably would have come down to when I figured it out."
"Right, right. If it was right away, you probably would have just gotten more possessive, because you could still get away with acting like that, but if it was a bit later, you probably would have cut me off, I guess?"
"Probably," Dazai agrees. Still, he also leans forward to close the slight gap between them, kissing Chuuya sweetly on the lips. "I was still pretty slow to realize it though, huh?"
Chuuya snickers at that. "Well, maybe a little. But like I said, in this case, that was probably for the best."
"Sure, but I mean, I could have realized a bit sooner." Instead of only realizing after falling into bed with Chuuya... "Though, I guess you didn't know any earlier either, huh?"
"I don't know about that."
"Ehh~?! Chuuya knew he loved me before that?!"
"Well, I wouldn't say I definitely knew, but... Subconsciously, probably. I might have suspected it and just refused to acknowledge it."
Dazai understands why even without Chuuya saying so; if Dazai's feelings weren't the same, then there was pretty much no way it would end well... And besides that, there was no reason to believe Dazai felt the same, probably. They may have had a moment here or there that may have contributed to Chuuya's feelings - and Dazai's, too, now that he's aware of them - but more often than not, those were under stressful situations and could probably just be brushed off as such. It was just the situation forcing us together, nothing more. Something like that.
... Ah, really, how stupid, looking back.
Dazai does have to agree that it's probably better he didn't figure it out when he was in the mafia, though. No matter which reaction he would have gone with, it probably would have only ended in pain for both of them. At least now he's got his head on more or less straight. That doesn't mean things are perfect between them now, no, but it's much better, at least, than it most likely would have been.
Snuggling forward abruptly, Chuuya bristles as he has to cling to Dazai in return to avoid being shoved off the bed as Dazai nuzzles him obnoxiously. "Ahh, still! I'm sorry for making my Chuuya wait~! I'll do my best to make up for lost time, okay~?"
"You'd better," Chuuya grumbles, hugging Dazai in return now that they've settled and he feels less in danger of being shoved off the bed. Their bed. "... Is what I would say, but you took the step to propose first, so..."
"Well, I had to~ Chuuya knows I'm too afraid of commitment and didn't want to scare me away, right~? So if I didn't make the move, we'd still just be casual about it! Which was fine and all, but I like this better~"
"Yeah... I do too. Thanks for taking that step."
"Thanks for making me feel safe and loved enough to do it," Dazai counters, because there's no way he would have otherwise. Always wanting to run, even from Chuuya's affection... But Chuuya had been patient, hadn't pushed, had just let him do what he needed to do. It had probably been painful for him, having Dazai so skittish and constantly pulling away, but... Still he'd stayed. It means a lot to Dazai.
"Mm... Guess we both did good then, huh?" Chuuya says, smiling warmly even though his tone is playful. Dazai smiles in return and kisses him again, not bothering with words where actions will do.
To spend the rest of their lives together, however long that is... Dazai can't wait.
And for once, he hopes it's a long time indeed.